Sunday, May 31, 2015

Dogman

"Hi I'm Dogman. I'm like a dog but also a man, hehe." said Dogman.
"That's neat do you want to go grab something to eat?" said Jerry.
"Sure first let me shake out my body." said Dogman.

Dogman lifted his fists to his sides and rattled his body, making his doggie hair shake. All the dust he had accumulated fluttered off of him. Some cruddy dust too.

"Oh no, Dogman, not on the rug!" said Jerry.
"Oops, sorry. Let's go get that food." said Dogman.
"Okay I'm putting on my coat now." said Jerry.

Dogman pulled a toy out of his pocket and handed it to Jerry.

"Here." said Dogman.
"Oh thank you." said Jerry.

Jerry looked at the toy and then handed it back to Dogman. Dogman handed it back to Jerry.

"Here." said Dogman again, and he stared at Jerry. Jerry wasn't sure what to do. He handed it back to Dogman. Dogman handed Jerry the toy again. "Thanks," he said, and tossed the toy on the couch. "Cmon, let's go." Jerry continued.

Dogman walked over to the couch and picked up the toy and handed it to Jerry.

"Here." said Dogman.
"We have to go." said Jerry.

Jerry and Dogman went to the diner and ordered food.

"Hey I'd like a tuna melt with fries." said Jerry.
"Hi I'm Dogman, I'd like a bowl of wet dog food sandwich please." said Dogman.
"Hey are you a service Dogman?" asked the waitress.
"I'm a man as well as a dog so I don't have to be." said Dogman.

Then Dogwoman walked in and Dogman got up and started trying to smell and have sex with her.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

The Troubled Drifter

Jasper the Troubled Drifter drifted into Lonny the Fortune Teller's fortune telling abode.

"I don't know where I'm going, I need guidance." said Jasper.
"Okay sit down, let me feel your energy." said Lonny.
"Okay I'm sitting."
"You hold a dark secret."
"It's true." said Jasper.
"It burns within you."
"I've been running so long."
"It keeps chasing you though."
"I confess. I pee fire."
"I knew it."
"I roam from town to town doing it."
"You're a threat."
"May I use your restroom?" said Jasper.
"No this is my family business." said Lonny.
"I give up on life then." said Jasper.

Then Jasper went outside and wet his pants and caught on fire and died.

"Oh no!" shouted Lonny.
 The wily kids from the block ran up too.

"We gotta bury him he's cursed!" said Lonny to the kids.
"We knew he was cursed we saw him wondering around and we read ghoul comic books!" said the kids.

They buried him in the ground but it's a cursed ground because it was a former rodent cemetery that was a former Voodoo museum that once burned down. And so Jasper came back to life after being in the ground because of the double curse.

"Now he's evil!" said the kids.
"Stop him!" said the cops.
"You're the cops!" said Lonny and kids.

The cops shot him. But the bullets didn't work on him because he's dead.
"He has to get shot with a copper bullet!" said Lonny.

But they didn't have a copper bullet only a silver one. So they fired.
"Bang!" said the silver bullet gun.

But then Wolf-Woman showed up and silver bullets kill her, but she was nice and they didn't want to kill her.

"Oh no!" said they.

They buried her in the cursed ground and the Wolf-Woman came back, because she was cursed too, because that's why she was a Wolf-Woman. She seemed nice still. Then Jasper tried to pee but he was charred so hard only black dust came out. And that wasn't really that big of a deal, so he got a job sweeping after the dust that kept falling off himself at the local liquor store, and he was able to stop drifting. Everyone was pretty okay with the outcome of everything.

The Confusion Experiment

"Hey I don't know nothing!"
"I don't know nothing either!"
"Hey me neither!"
"Does anyone know anything?"
"I don't know!"
"I don't know either!!!!"
"Surely someone here should know!"
"Who is in charge?"
"How many people are talking?" said one guy.
"I don't know."
"I'm scared!"
"Okay well that's something at least."
"Now we're getting somewhere."
"I still don't know."
"I think I'm scared too now that I think about it."
"I'm whatever you guys are."
"Well if you are scared then I'll be scared too cuz I don't wanna be alone in my feelings."
"I still don't know."
"I'm scared!"
"Someone turn on the lights!"

The lights turned on and Boris was standing there.

"Hello. You've all had experiments done on you and you're all scared and none of you know anything. That was the basis of the experiment." said Boris.

Boris grimaced.

"I'm scared of this guy."
"I'm not scared, I just don't know."
"This room is white."
"I'm whatever you think I should be."
"Are we getting paid for this experiment?"

Dr. Baldasore stepped into the white room.

"You may release them into the world again." said Dr. Baldasore.
"Yes Doctor." said Boris.

Then Chuck Lightspeed burst into the room.

"You give these nimrods back their memories and confidence. I won't allow you to do experiments on people like this and release them into the world!" said Chuck Lightspeed.
"Who is this guy?"
"I don't know."
"I'm scared."

Then Boris zapped Chuck Lightspeed in the head and mixed him in with the group who didn't know and was scared.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Truck Talk

"Hey I drive a big truck!" said Bub.
"My truck is smaller!" said Harvey.
"Hehe I'm cool cuz mine's bigger." said Bub.
"I don't mind my size of truck." said Harvey.
"I love my big truck." said Bub.

Sandy and Nancy walked up.

"I like a cozy little truck." said Sandy.
"I like a big truck because it's neat when a guy has a big truck." said Nancy.

Bub liked Sandy and Harvey liked Nancy though.
"Even though I got a smaller truck, maybe you'd like me." said Harvey to Nancy.

Bub had his eye on Sandy.
"Come check out my big big truck it takes up the whole road." said Bub to Sandy.
"But it just doesn't seem that cozy." said Sandy to Bub, while she was eyeing Harvey who was eyeing Nancy.
"I could put some pillows in it!" said Bub.
"Hmmm still would be a big truck though." said Sandy.

By this point Bub was really falling for Sandy.

"Well, uh, well what, uh, what if my truck was smaller!?" said Bub.
"I might like to ride in it." said Sandy.

Meanwhile over by Harvey and Nancy, Harvey was telling Nancy about how it he liked this weird food called "sushi". He completely changed the subject from trucks to food.

"It sounds weird. This stuff, sushi." said Nancy.
"That's what I thought, but then I liked it!" said Harvey.
"Hmm."
"Maybe you should come with me to eat the sushi stuff, you'll like it or it will at least taste weird and that can be kind of fun!" said Harvey.
"Okay I will." said Nancy.

Harvey took Nancy to sushi.

Bub just kept talking about trucks and he didn't change the subject.
"Sorry I just like a cozier truck." said Sandy.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Party with a Sombrero

Hank drank at the festive bar with his friend Fred. Hank was wearing a sombrero.

"Yo yo yo yo want to try on my sombrero?" said Hank.
"Yes!" said Fred.

Fred had a small head. Fred tried on the sombrero.

"It's too big!" said Fred.
"Aw too bad!" said Hank.

They were both drinking a lot of alcohol. Then Judith walked up. She had a big head.

"Hey Judith want to try on my sombrero?" said Hank.
"It's too big for me." said Fred.
"I want to try it on!" said Judith.

Judith tried it on and it was too big for her too.

"Hey this is crazy. This sombrero is too big for you and it's too big for you too! Even though you both--" Hank was gonna say they have different sized heads, but then he suddenly became nervous that he was going to offend both of them for commenting on their physical appearances. He made a quick save. "--like sombreros?" said Hank. Phew that was close.

"I do like sombreros!" said Fred.
"I like them too!" said Judith.
"You know what I just learned?" said Hank.
"What?" they said.
"Sombreros are big!" said Hank.
"Yeah you're right! Hehe." they said.

Then they went back to drinking. Judith did a handstand and almost hit her head because it was heavy. Fred popped his head through the narrow bars of a gate. Hank tried for years to figure out how he could apply that lesson that sombreros were big to other parts of his life and he never figured it out.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The Yum Fun Cafeteria

The Yum Fun Cafeteria food joint with trays and old people was having an all you can eat day!

Blargo was taking advantage. He went too far.

Blargo was about to blow. His mouth was full of mashed potatoes and his stomach was full of apple sauce. Like a lot of apple sauce. And his pants were too tight, the button threads were being tugged by his waist expanding.

"Oh god oh god oh god help me." said Blargo.

Then came Sipher. He had a needle.

"I'm here to save you!" said Sipher.
"No don't do it!" said Blargo.
"It's the only way!" said Sipher.
"It'll hurt!"
"But you're gonna blow!"
"No!"
"I'm gonna do it anyway!" said Sipher

Then he lifted the needle to the sky. The light from the moon glistened off the needle. It was nighttime. He pulled his arm back far and windmilled it down into the side of Blargo's gut.

"Oooh!" said Blargo.
"Eeeeee!" said the crowd of people watching. The crowd of people watching continued to eat their red flavored Jello though.

Then a tiny peep whistled out of Blargo's hole. Like a balloon letting out air. Or a tea kettle steaming.
"I feel much better I'll be honest." said Blargo.

Then he ate some more brisket.
"I like how juicy it is." said Blargo.
"If you dribbled juice out your hole, poke a new one." said Sipher.
"Okay I trust you, thanks." said Blargo.


Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Dangerous Imposer

Bittle Jim was scrawny and he had a big fat fat wife named Frankensteina. They were the perfect match. She liked to sit on him and he liked to wrap his arms around Frankensteina's fat fat body to try to get around the whole thing. He could never do it.

"Nice try." said Frankensteina.

Bittle Jim would get caught in her when he hugged too hard. One day Sneaky Grag showed up, he had dirty teeth.

"I'm on the run cuz I wronged a guy." said Sneaky Grag.
"You can't hide with us you creep." said Frankensteina.
"I gotsa too, nothin' you can do about it." said Sneaky Grag.

He was bad.

One night, that night actually, Franksteina and Bittle Jim were in bed. She was sitting on him, and they were talking about how they were worried about how Sneaky Grag was bad to have around the house.

"He seems like trouble." said Bittle Jim.
"I like things that taste salty and sweet, and he smells sour and bitter!" said Frankensteina.

They walked in the room where he was watching their tv and picking at his genitals in his underwear and eating their cracker snacks.

"I love this show, it's about Cops and Lawyers!" said Sneaky Grag.
"Sneaky Grag you gotta go." said Frankensteina.
"You're not making it safe here. We know you done trouble." said Bittle Jim.
"No I won't go and I'll kill you if you try to make me." said Sneaky Grag.

Frankensteina and Bittle Jim were scared now. They hatched a plan to kill Sneaky Grag first.

Then they killed him. They did it by hitting him on the head with a frying pan and turning on the oven and letting him breathe in fumes and then they punched him when the fumes cleared out and they also poured boiling water on his face and stood on him and Frankensteina sneezed on him, she was getting over the flu, and they burnt his hand in a toaster oven and they put rat poison in his butt and it got absorbed into his body through his rectum.

"He's dead." said Bittle Jim.

Then there was a knock at the door. It was Helmet Sadson.
"I'm looking for Sneaky Grag. He did me wrong and killed my family and my only mission is to kill him."
"He's dead." said Frankensteina.
"Damn. Now what do I do?"
"Want to see proof?" said Frankensteina.
"Oh. Yes good idea." said Helmet Sadson.

Helmet went and looked at Sneaky Grag.
"If only I'd been the one to kill him."

Then Sneaky Grag woke up from the dead and scared em, because he wasn't dead yet. Helmet Sadson killed Grag real quick. Then he felt good about his life and Frankensteina and Bittle Jim invited him to hang out with them because he seemed nice.

Monday, May 25, 2015

The Inheritance

Randolph, Frosticia, Shepard and Devinicus were the children of Andopoli Marcona, the plum juice magnate, who was on his deathbed. His children anxiously awaited his death as they all expected a healthy inheritance.

Andopoli lay in his bed and prepared for his final breath. It was on it's way. Just before his passed he spoke: "Daffodil Petal!" then he threw his final toss.

"Daffodil Petal?" said Randolph.
"What's that mean?" said Frosticia.
"Did he say petal or pedal?" said Shepard.
"When do we hear the will?" said Devinicus.

The next week the estate attorney Hobson Schmutzberg assembled the bereaved.
"It's nice to see you all, I'm sorry it's under such circumstances." said Hobson Schmutzberg.
"Yes yes... grumble grumble... money... read..." said the children.

Hobson got to reading.
"Bla bla bla... my dear family... bla bla bla... Always happy... my late wife Karen... bla bla bla..."

The grown children listened intently waiting for the sums of money they would reap.
"Bla bla bla... And my fortune, all my money... every penny of it... will go to my dear secret lover John Fernandez."

The children were outraged.
"Well call me if you need anything." said Hobson Schmutzberg.

They children fought and screamed and cried. They wanted that money. Devinicus hatched a plan and the other children followed suit. They were buddy up with John Fernandez and do everything for him to ensure they would get their inheritance when he departed.

"I not your daddy lover, just so you know. But he do give me the money." said John Fernandez.
"Yes of course. We don't judge, we think you're great."
"I like his plum juice and I using the money because I collect chairs. I gonna buy a new chair now." said John.
"Great!" said the children angrily through a false smile.

Then years went by and they served John's every need and John took ill and died.

"Hey Kids, good to see you again! Sorry under sad circumstances." said Hobson Schmutzberg.
"The will!" said the kids.
"Of course... bla bla bla... loved my chairs... they go to... bla bla bla... chairs are so great. I love to sit in them.. bla bla bla... and my fortune... it goes to my secert private lover Harry Poodleterrier."
"What!?!" said the kids.
"Always a pleasure to see you." said Schmutzberg.

Then the kids saddled up to Harry Poodleterrier to get in on that inheritance.
"Hi I like to sneeze and wipe myself with money!" said Harry.

Then the grown kids all died before they could find out if Harry would leave them anything.
"What was my life?!" said Randolph, before he went.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Two Johns on a Wild Night

John #1 walked down the street with John #2.

"Hey Handsome, feelin' like some fun?" said Betty the Bitch.
"Yeah I'd like to have some fun too." said Lucy the Ho.

Then Big Shiny Pimp Ralph walked up.

"Fellas, fellas, you lookin' for some fun? My bitches and hoes give the most fun in town, you'll be hollerin' from having such a good time." said Big Shiny Pimp Ralph. Then he explained what they do.

"This bitch here," said Ralph, pointing to Betty, "will pinch your arm for 40 bux, poke your tummy for 50, and this ho here will do the same," Ralph continued, pointing to Lucy, "but also she'll also run her fingers through your hair for 60, and pat you on the bottom for 65... the finest bitches money can buy."

John #1 and John #2 stood there for a moment, checking out the ladies.

"Hmm..." said John #1.
"I don't know." said John #2
"Money talks, fellas. You wanna go home together or having had a wild ride?" said Ralph the Shiny Pimp.

John #1 signaled for Ralph to come close so he could whisper a question.
"Say pal, you think one of your bitches might be willing to... scratch under my chin with her index finger?" whispered John #1.
"Daaamn you into some freaky shit. Lemme find out." said Ralph. Then he went and consulted with the hoes.
"You got yourself a deal for 60." said Ralph.
"Okay I'm in." said John #1.
"Uh, I guess I'll take a fingers through hair." said John #2.
"You boys have yourself a good time. Pay the girls, not me." said Big Shiny Pimp Ralph.

The Johns went and had a wild time. On the way home John #1 talked about what a stud he felt like.

"Man oh man, was that a great evening." said John #1
"I don't know. I guess I feel kind of gross about myself." said John #2.
"What? You gotta loosen up bud. You should have let her give your tummy a little poke."
"Actually she did poke me in the tummy, she threw it in there no charge, I guess to loosen me up."
"Oh maaan, that means she liked you bro!" said John #1.

John #2 went home and took a long shower to try to clean the filthy feelings off.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Laser Losers

Barry Vision shot lasers out his fingers and had red eyes and silver teeth. He was pretty cool and tough. His voice also reverberated when he spoke.

"I know I'm cool, but I'll be honest I think I'm the underdog." Barry said to his friend Blaze Sharp. Blaze had silver hair black eyes, she was also pretty cool looking.

"Barry you just have to continue to believe in yourself." said Blaze.

Then Lance Grazer came in. Lance Grazer was Barry Visions's rival. Lance was able to shoot lasers out of his shoulders and elbows. He wore thick hard boots and walked in stilted clomps

"That Lance thinks he's so great. Why does he get everything? Doesn't he know that I'm the underdog?" said Barry Vision.

Lance was quiet and kept to himself. He was eating a hot dog. He pulled a bottle of mustard out of his cargo pocket and put it on the hot dog. He didn't look up from the hot dog. He just kept eating it. It was like he was in his own world. Or maybe he was just shy.

"Look at him there, thinkin' he's so great." said Barry Vision.

Another thing about Lance Grazer was that he didn't actually have it that easy. He shot lasers out of his shoulders which is not as convenient as shooting them from your fingers, like Barry Vision. The sides of Lance's scalp were badly burned from lasers hitting the corners of his head. He couldn't grow hair in certain spots any more so he had kind of an accidental burn victim mohawk. It made him look intimidating and tough. But that he was bashful and shy and kept to himself was another way of interpreting it. He also actually wore thick hard boots because his elbow lasers had burns his feet badly and he need to protect them.

One day all the people were stuck in the vault and needed help. They radioed for laser folks to help. Barry Vision got the call at the same time Lance Grazer did. Lance got to the scene quicker than Barry and got to work lasering the vault open to save the people. Lance put himself in push-ups position and let the lasers shot from his shoulders. It was stressful. he wore a welding helmet to protect his head. The lasers coming from his elbows lasered the ceiling. Luckily there was no second floor.

Then Barry showed up and started lasering with his fingers to help. He had more control because he could stand there. They got the vault open together.

"You guys are lucky!" said Barry.
"Wow you saved us." said the vault victims.
"Well I'm just an underdog trying to help!" said Barry.
Lance Grazer didn't say anything.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Terrio the Issue Conscious Dude

Shannon, Dugan, and Terrio the Issue Conscious Dude sat in a coffee shop together. Terrio was really sucking down the coffee and holding in his jitters.

"Well we had better go." said Shannon.
"Yeah." said Dugan.
"We've gotta pick up Mackenzie from school." said Shannon.
"She's got a little ballet recital tonight, and the Mayor is supposed to be there." Dugan, smiling.

Terrio had too much coffee and he really went off.

"Let me just say somethin' about these bureaucratic mothersuckers in office who think they can walk all over us like a bunch of slumlords man I'm going to war bastards cuz I'm a warrior and I'm takin' on these pig-eyed reptiles watchin' over society who think they can just starve us all suckin' on Mother Nature's teet, drowning themselves in our natural resources and the full grown babies whinin' about who's the most marginalized group, lemme tell ya that teet is getting mighty chaffed, better see a doctor about it, better see a witch doctor, Western medicine ain't gonna cure ya, baby. I'll tell ya whose the most marginalized group--PEOPLE! You know what I'm talkin' about? Because we got a serious economic growth problem in this country and everyone's askin' for a handout but no one wants to put in the work to hand out the handouts because the government's pumpin' asbestos in my lungs but we're too busy cryin' about the no smoking section, you hear?!?"

Then Terrio had to take a breath because he hadn't done that for a minute. Dugan and Shannon cleared their throat.
"Hey Terrio, take it easy." said Dugan.
"Oh sorry... too much coffee, heheh." said Terrio, playing it off.
"Do you think it's from an ethical bean?" asked Shannon.

Terrio's face went red. He didn't know. Then he was embarrassed and started running away and ran into the park in the pond and jumped in and swam to the middle where there was the most scum and mud and he felt like he belonged there.

"My life has no meaning! I don't know what to do with myself. I'm wasting my time and I waste everyone's time and I'm a waste. I failed. I'm a failure and I solve nothing!" he cried to himself.

Then a duck swam by.

"Quack." said the duck.
"Oh, heh, sorry duck. Too much coffee." said Terrio.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

The Creampuff Chase

Fabioso got a creampuff. It was one of the best creampuffs. He got it because the creampuff puffer loved Fabioso.

"Oh Fabioso you can do no wrong, you get the creampuff!"
"Mmm yum." said Fabioso, as he took a bite of the creampuff. Then he dropped the creampuff.
"Oopsy." said Fabioso.
"That's okay, Fabioso, you can have lots more creampuffs."

Then Malmo showed up.

"Hey I'm trying to get a creampuff." said Malmo.
"Oh Malmo you are so great. I will give you a creampuff. But first I need you to run up the hill and park a bicycle and then also dig a hole for me and bury this ankle bracelet." said the puffer.
"What? Why must I do that for a creampuff?" said Malmo.
"Oh it's just how it works. Everyone does that for a creampuff." said the puffer.

Malmo looked at Fabioso scarfing down creampuffs. Fabioso was completely unself-aware and making glup glup noises.

"Did he have to do that?" said Malmo, pointing to Fabioso.
"Of course he did." said the puffer.
"Ob gourse why did!" said Fabioso, with a mouthful of creampuff.

Though Malmo was skeptical of whether Fabioso did. But he came there for the creampuff so he did what he was told to get the creampuff. He went up the hill and did all that shit. Then he came back. And asked for creampuffs.

"Oh I also need you to juggle an onion and stand on one foot and be me to a person but apologize and convince them you didn't mean it." said the puffer.
"What?! Why?"
"Them's how the creampuffin' system works!" said the puffer.
"So true." said Fabioso who was getting so fat from all the creampuffs he was eating.
"Look I've always wanted to give you a creampuff, can't you appreciate that I'm trying to help you get a creampuff?" said the puffer.
"Creampuff life is the good life." said Fabioso.

Malmo went and did that shit too. He felt like a worse person because of the being mean thing. He questioned whether he even liked creampuffs.

"Hey gimme a creampuff now." said Malmo
"I only have this stale one left." said the puffer.
"You son of a bitch." said Malmo.
"But more good ones are being puffed soon!" said the puffer.
"Oh yeah?" said Malmo.
"Yeah! In order to get them all you have to do go to your shoe store and sell them toe nail clippers and call a dance instructor from the yellow pages and go wait in line at the dmv and taste a magic marker and stare at the sun for 30 minutes. Seems easy enough, right?" said the puffer.
"Mmm good creampuff, I'm on creampuff cloud nine." said Fabioso.
"Eh... I don't think I want creampuff anymore." said Malmo.

And he went and got a cannoli.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

The Yearning Hi

Bambo was only supposed to say hi to Poggy. Poggy was in the same room as Bambo. But Mucker was in the other room.

"Hmm I know that Mucker is in the other room. Maybe I'll go say hi to Mucker... but hmm but what if I shouldn't..." said Bambo to himself. To himself, ya see? Poggy couldn't hear.

Bambo did not know if Poggy would be mad if Bambo went and said hi to Mucker. But what if Poggy got mad? That would be a real risk to take.

"Hi I'm Mucker and I'm in this room here!" said Mucker from the other room.
"Damn damn damn damn. Sounds like it would be so easy to go in there and say hi to Mucker." said Bambo again to himself so Poggy could not hear.

Bambo thought more. Maybe he could try saying hi to Poggy. Maybe that would be an okay thing to do.

"Hi Poggy." said Bambo.
"Hm?" said Poggy.
"Hi." said Bambo.
"We said hi hours ago, why would you say hi now?" said Poggy.
"Um." said Bambo.

Then Ugbert walked by the door where Bambo and Poggy were. He popped his head in the room.
"Hi!" said Ugbert.
"Hi!" said Bambo. Bambo was relieved he got to say hi to someone.

Poggy didn't say any hi or anything.

"Hi!" said Ugbert again. Then he kept walking in the hallway.
"I am looking for more people to say hi to!" Ugbert shouted.
"Hi I'm Mucker and I'm in this room and wanting to say hi too!" shouted Mucker.

Then Ugbert went into the room with Mucker and said hi a bunch. Bambo shifted in his seat, wishing he could join in with their hi saying. He turned to Poggy again.

"Hi." he said.
"Huh?" said Poggy.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Scrazzo the Monster

James was scared to go to bed because of Scrazzo the scary monster who wasn't actually that scary but people still thought he was scary.

"Oh no, not bed time again. Every time it's bed time I'm terrified... because of Scrazzo." said James.
"Hey it's me Scrazzo."
"Ahh... Mom!!" screamed James.

James ran out of the room and ran into his mom's room. But he wasn't a kid. He was a forty year old man and his mom was living with him because he took care of her. So when he ran in her room it wasn't the same as when he ran in her room as a ten year old.

"Mom I'm scared!"
"I'm old." said Mom.
"Sigh..." said Scrazzo, because he wasn't very threatening.

Scrazzo knocked on Mom's room door.

"Eh hem... hey listen it's me Scrazzo the monster. Listen I'm not actually that scary."
"Oh god you're scary so scary help me!" said James.
"No listen I'm not scary." said Scrazzo.
"But your voice sounds monstery." said James.
"Someone feed me." said Mom.
"My voice just sounds like this." said Scrazzo in his scratchy monster grumble.
"Oh okay. Well wanna come in here and hang out?" said James.
"I do. I'm bored." said Scrazzo.

Then The Monster Boppers burst through the door.

"Freeze!" said the Monster Boppers!
"Aghhh!" said Scrazzo.

Then they tried zapping at Scrazzo with their Neurton Zappers. Luckily they missed.
"Hey Monster Boppers! Scrazzo is my friend. I'm not scared of him."
"Oh cool phew sorry bout trying to zap him." said the Monster Boppers.

Then they all made friends and talked about shopping for shoes.

Monday, May 18, 2015

The Flats

Gadoodle was driving and got himself a flat tire.
"Oh great! Of course this happens to me! I got a flat tire! Why Lord? Of all the people you gotta pick on, you pick me??" said Gadoodle.

He sat there, huffed and puffed, then he remembered he had his bike in his van.
"Ooh nevermind Lord I got my bike!" he said.

Then he pulled out his bike and started riding.
"Ahh I love this breeze in my face, great choice to ride this bike." he said.

As he rode up the road he approached a little mini-music festival that sounded groovy.
"Like these tunes." he said to himself.

Then his rode over a tack and his bike tire ran out of air.
"Oh geez louise! A flat bike tire? Thanks a lot Lord!" said Gadoodle. He was being sarcastic. He much rather would have not had a flat bike tire.

"Now what?" he said to himself and the world around him. Then he heard more of those tunes jammin' out.
"These are pretty good tunes though." he said.
"You know what, Lord? I think I'm in just the right place. I dig these tunes." he said again.

He approached the music fest and found a groovin' tent where he could dance. This was lookin' and soundin' pretty good to Gadoodle. He found a floor full of cool hip folks groovin' away and cuttin' up the dance floor. He was enthused to join in.

"Yes, yes, yessing, this is a blessing!" he said.

Gadoodle set foot on the dance floor and started shakin' his body and wigglin' his feet. Something wasn't right. People were clearing out of the way. Gadoodle couldn't dance.

"Aww great! I got flat feet!" said Gadoodle. He felt embarrassed. No one else dancing seemed to mind though, they were too into groovin' to the music.
"I'm embarrassed, this stinks!" said Gadoodle.
"But wait a second... something good should be happening any second, right Lord? Right?" said Gadoodle.

Then his feet literally deflated.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

The Secret to Everything

"I just feel like he doesn't listen to anything I say anymore." Sandy said.
"That's not true I am a great listener. I feel like she's always interrupting me." said Jason, her husband
"If I do it's because you repeat yourself all the time and I've heard it already." said Sandy.
"I feel like we are just hitting a dead end." said Jason.

Jason and Sandy sat there quietly just soaking in the tension. The therapist spoke.

"It sounds like you guys just aren't on the same wavelength right now. That's what I'm hearing." said the therapist.
"I feel like we've tried everything." said Jason.
"Hmm. Have you seen Mad Max: Fury Road?" asked the therapist.
"No." said Sandy.
"Not yet. I heard it's good." said Jason.
"It's awesome." said the therapist, "go see it."

Gary had been experiencing some pains and inflammation in his joints, due to over-fatiguing himself, as well from a bit of rheumatism and arthritis. Dr. Pataki examined him thoroughly and thought it best to prescribe a combination of prednisone and methylprednisolone, to be taken only as directed and not to exceed the prescribed dosage. He also highly suggested Gary go immediately to a screening of Mad Max: Fury Road.
"You can even go see matinee, doesn't matter. Just go." said Dr. Pataki.

Christin was making a cake for Giovanni.
"I love a nice moist cake!" said Giovanni.
"I can't wait to bake this for you!" said Christin.

Christin used eggs, butter, flour, sugar, and also went to see Mad Mad: Fury Road and the cake turned out the be the best cake Giovanni had ever had.

"Wow this cake was so delicious, Christin. What was your secret ingredient?"
"I can't reveal."
"Please, you must!"
"Okay fine. It was Mad Mad: Fury Road."
"Gasp! I knew it! That was my favorite part!" said Giovanni.

Jason, Sandy, Gary, Christin, Giovanni, and these two warring countries that had a broken peace treaty for 30 years, all went to see Mad Max: Fury Road and thought it was really really awesome.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

The Heights

Bubby climbed up a ladder real high.

"Uh oh this is scary." he said.
"I'm scared of heights!" shouted his wife Dooby, from down on the ground.
"Me too!" shouted back Bubby.
"But you acted so confident before you went up it."
"I must confess I didn't know I was going to be scared."
"Well can you put that antenna satellite thing on the roof so we can watch the wrestling match already?" shouted Dooby.
"Ye-ye-yes." said Bubby, scared.

Then Bubby just stood there on the ladder. He stayed up there for about an hour trying to get over his fear of heights. They missed the wrestling match they were hoping to see. The sun went down. Finally Bubby took a deep breath and attached the antenna satellite dish. Dooby was bummed. She wanted to see the wrestling match.

They sat there on their recliner couch watching the television. Trying to find something as good as the wrestling match was going to be. They happened upon a staticky channel of something that definitely looked like people having sex. But the signal was scrambled. They didn't get that station.

Bubby started to get excited about the staticky boobs he might have seen. Dooby got excited too. They couldn't really make out what was going on behind that static, but they could only imagine. And man did it seem steamy.

"Sheesh. That's some hot sexy stuff on there." said Bubby.
"You said a mouth full." said Dooby.

They got so worked up they went to the bedroom and had scrambled signal looking intercourse themselves and conceived a child. The child was born and they named him Wubbles.

"You're just like your mom and dad, Wubbles." said Dooby and Bubby.

Then Wubbles grew up to be real tall. So tall that he was always scared because he was scared of heights just like his parents.

"Life is hard because I'm always scared." said Wubbles.
Then he was rejected from the basketball team.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Floppity Bruce, Man with Purpose

Floppity Bruce slapped his feet onto a premises. He moved with purpose and ease. A real relaxed fellow, that Floppity Bruce. He stepped into Gaston Buttrese's manor. Gaston didn't like that.

"Release the hounds!" Gaston ordered. The hounds were released.

"Hoh! Hoh! Hoh! Hoh!" said the hounds. But they were funny, goofy, doofy, cuddly hounds, and certainly no threat to happy-good-time Floppity Bruce. They just ran right up to him and jumped up and wanted to be petted.
"Well hey there little cuties!" said Floppity Bruce.
"Drats!" said Gaston.

Gaston devised his next plan.

"Release the bats!" said Gaston. The bats were released.
"Squeak, squeak, squeak, eek." said the bats.
"Ew bats." said Bruce, "them things is yuck!"

Then fortunately for Bruce, the bats just flew away, because it was too bright out and bats like dark. Poor timing on Gaston's end. Gaston pulled his next card.

"Release the hens!"
"Errrgh. Globble. Cluck. Cluck. Wooob...." said the hens.
The hens merely clucked and made henny noises. They were not much of a threat to anything.

"Hey I'm still havin' a good time." thought Floppity Bruce.
"I'm having a bad time." thought Gaston, as his stress became more aggravated.

Floppity Bruce neared closer to the front of the manor.

"Release... the crickets!" said Gaston.
"Oh no! Not crickets!" said Floppity Bruce.
"Yes!!" said Gaston.
"Just kiddin', heh. I love crickets, so peaceful." said Bruce.
"Damn!" said Gaston.

Bruce finally made his way to the door.
"Pizza!" said Bruce as he knocked.
Gaston opened the door.
"Huh?" he said.
"You order a pizza?" asked Floppity Bruce.
"Oh, I don't think so. Um, maybe my wife did." said Gaston, "Honey? Did we order a pizza?!"
"Yes I did, is it here? You can have some..." said Gaston's wife, Judy Buttrese.

Floppity Bruce's purpose was to deliver a pizza to Gaston's home. Gaston felt stupid but ate a slice of pizza and forgot that he felt stupid because the pizza distracted him.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

The Do-It-Up Date

Kip had a big date with Shayla so he made sure to put a bunch of rocks in his underwear. His underwear was really tight too. He took tiny little steps because some of the rocks had harsh edges. The rocks bulged out of his undies in all directions. He also wore tight pants to hold the underwear rocks in place.

"Ooh ooh. Ooh...ow" he said when he walked. The rocks rubbed together as he walked and made diapery crunch noises.

He called Shayla to check in..
"It's Shayla!" she said.
"Hey baby, I'm coming to pick ya up!"
"Okay, I'm almost ready!" said Shayla.

She had to finish drawing genitals on her forehead and cheekbones. She wanted to look nice for the date. Kip came to the door. Shayla answered.

"Hello." she said.
"Wow. You look stunning!" said Kip.
"Thank you."
"Are you wearing makeup? I can't tell." said Kip.
"I am." said Shayla.
"Well, you're a natural beauty regardless. You don't even need it."
"Oh well, I just wanted to give my face a little touch up." said Shayla.
"Cmon, I'm starved." said Kip.

Kip took Shayla to a fancy restaurant where they only served toilet paper.

"We will never serve used toilet paper. And that's a promise!" was posted on the door as they walked in.
"Geez, this place seems really nice." said Shayla.
"Only the best for my natural---ooh, ouch." said Kip.
"Are you okay?" said Shayla.
"Yeah. I'll be honest I'm not used to dressing up." said Kip, waddling into the restaurant.

They sat down and ordered. "Ooh ah ow." said Kip as he sat.

"I'll have the fried toilet paper." said Shayla.
"Certainly, and for the gentleman?" said the waiter.
"Could I have a plate full of toilet paper with mayonnaise?"

After the meal they exited the restaurant.
"Mmm I'm so full." said Shayla.
"Hey wanna go back to my place?" said Kip.
"Umm... sure." said Shayla.

They waddled to Kips, both nervous. They made it back. The chemistry between them was strong.
"I have a confession to make," said Kip, "I don't really walk as cool as you think. I put a bunch of rocks in my underwear."

Then he ripped open his pants and underwear and all the rocks scattered everywhere. He had a few pebbles stuck in his foreskin and on his butt cheeks.
"I hope you don't think I'm like some sort of a creep or something. You know for tricking you."
"No, no." said Shayla, "I have a confession to make too. I'm not as pretty as you think I am. Look."

Then she smeared the penis she had drawn on her face. It was caked on pretty heavy.
"I think you're as beautiful as ever." he said.
"I think you're a really nice guy." she said.

Then they made love on a big pile of garbage in the spacious bathroom by the kitty litter and laundry machine.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

The Big Firing

Big Boss Jerry walked into the office one morning and announced
"Brace yourself people. For today someone will be fired. It's the way it's got to be. Stay tuned. As you were."

Then he walked into his office and paced. He left everyone very uncomfortable.

"Oh gosh I'm scared to get fired." said John.
"I don't want it to be me." said Cynthia.
"I am afraid of losing my job. What about my home life?" said Khomela.

An hour went by and Big Boss Jerry popped his head back in.
"I'm back. In another hour or so... someone is going to get fired!"

People had started to cool down a little but this ignited their anxiety once again.

"Oh no, I need this job." said Burt.
"Well I'm gonna work extra hard so it won't be me." said Dana.
"I don't give a shit about this job, personally, but I'm scared for all you, my friends." said Mark.

Another couple of hours went by. Big Boss Jerry popped his head back again.

"Oooh I can feel the firing simmering in my bones... who will it be??!" said Big Boss Jerry. Then he disappeared again.
"Suspense is killing me." said Spencer.
"I've gotta pee, I hope I don't miss the firing and I hope it's not me." said Detroit Tommy.
"I think it's gonna be Jeff who gets fired." said Hannah.
"Hey asshole I think it's gonna be you!" said Jeff.

Jeff and Hannah then almost came to blows. But Yori broke it up.
"Guys, guys! Let's not lose our heads over this!" said Yori.

Then Big Boss Jerry walked back in.
"Alright, shitshoppers. It's showtime!" said Big Boss Jerry.

You could cut the tension like butter. Even the walls were sweating with anxiety. Everyone awaited the big reveal. Then room hung on the edges of their seats as Big Boss Jerry opened his mouth and slowly spoke.

"The person..."
"...Yes?" mumbled Fran.
"Who will be fired..."
"Uh-huh..." grunted Carol.
"Is..."
"Oh I'm scared." muttered Chet.
"...Me?" said Big Boss Jerry.

The room let out a collective gasp.
"Gasp!" they said.
This was a twist no one expected. It was silent and steamy, but the air was finally free.

Big Boss Jerry was more surprised than anyone. He cleared his throat.
"Well I guess I'll pack up my things..."
Then security walked up to escort him out.
"Oh. Well I guess my things will be mailed to me then. Good day everyone."

The Unsatisfying Italian Kitchen

The Italian kitchen was full of bitchin'. Everybody tossed a little spice and it wasn't always nice. People came there when they had an appetite for more than just a little bite. They foods were they only things to have a bite. Sometimes you might find a personality with a bit of a bite, am I right?

"I want some salad dressing, could I get it light?"
"Get outta here, unless you're lookin' for a fight!" said Lynn Guini.

The kitchen was unsatisfyin', if someone said it wasn't they'd be lyin'. That story's just a simple sample of the Italian kitchen, to set the stage with a little bit of sage.

One day, Tanya Lasagna made some pizza for Pete who couldn't eat.

"I can't eat!" said Pete.
"Aw why can't you eat?"
"Cuz your pizza got meat!"
"What about spaghetti?" said Tanya Lasagna.
"I want spaghetti." said Spaghetti Eddie.
"I can't eat meat!" said Pete.
"What about pizza?" said Tanya Lasagna.
"Does that pizza have meat?" said Pete.
"Well the pizza has meat, but I made it for you to eat."
"I repeat! I can't eat your pizza!" said Pete.
"I'll eat the pizza." said Spaghetti Eddie.
"But don't you want spaghetti?" said Pete.
"I do want spaghetti but you won't eat meat."
"What if the spaghetti has meat?" said Pete.

Tanya Lasagna talked to the pizza and the spaghetti.

"You have meat, pizza. But you, spaghetti, don't have any on ya!" said Tanya Lasagna.
"Thanks for trying to make peace." said Pete to Spaghetti Eddie.

And that settled it. Pete ate the spaghetti and Spaghetti Eddie ate the pizza with meat. And no one was really satisfied completely.

Tanya Lasagna sat down and ate some pork ramen followed by an apple fritter.

Monday, May 11, 2015

The Buttcrack Bunch

"Hi I'm a plumber!" said Buttcrack Joe.
"Hi I'm a garbage man!" said Buttcrack Eddie.
"Hi I'm a butcher!" said Buttcrack Frankie.
"Hi I'm a proctologist!" said Buttcrack Jerry.
"Hi I'm a hairstylist!" said Buttcrack Judy.

Then kids walked by.

"Hehe look at all those losers with their buttcracks hanging out." said the kids.
"Hey you kids show us respect!" said Buttcrack Joe.
"Yeah right, we won't show you respect haha!" said teenager kids.

Then teenage kids grew up to be Buttcrack Al and Buttcrack Tom.

"I never thought I'd be Buttcrack Tom."
"I never thought I'd be Buttcrack Al, I'll be honest."
"Hey by the way, it's really good to see you and catch up." said Buttcrack Tom.

Buttcrack Tom and Al hadn't seen each other since they were around teen age.

"I've got to be honest I felt sad when we lost touch after college." said Buttcrack Tom.
"I did too. I wrote you a letter and never heard back." said Buttcrack Al.
"I moved a lot around that time. I'm sorry if I didn't get it or didn't get a chance to respond to you." said Buttcrack Tom.
"I forgive you. It was a long time ago and maybe was out of your hands." said Al.
"It was definitely out of my buttcrack." said Tom.

A lot of life stuff had happened as they grew into buttcrack people. Then some teenage kids walked by.

"Haha look at the buttcrack losers!" said one of the kids.
"Hey one of those losers is my dad, don't say that!" said one of the other kids. It was Buttcrack Al's son.

"I'm proud of my son." said Buttcrack Al.
"Buttcrack Al, it seems like you learned from our mistakes and you've done well in life if you can raise such a fine young man as that. I'm still trying to learn from my mistakes as a youth." said Buttcrack Tom.
"There's always time, Buttcrack Tom." said Buttcrack Al.

Buttcrack Tom went back to school to study economic theory.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Bad Boy Doctors

Doug the Dentist was corrupt and he stole a bunch of diamonds from this old windbag lady who was dying and he schmoozed her and wooed her and made her think she had a sexy body toward the end of her life and he would be sneakin' diamonds out of her house all the time.

"You're gorgeous and rich and what a smile, I should know, I'm a trained dentist." said Dr. Doug.
"Oooh you are one firm and sensual young man who knows how to get my juices going." said the old windbag. She was wrong too. He was not sensual and he was 52 years old with a doughy gut.

He milked that old dying cow for years until she finally ate dust and left him some scratch in her will. But with her dead and her estate and belongings in question, the surviving family members got anxious.

"I can't wait to get those diamonds she always had so I can sell them." said the daughter.
"I want to sell some of them too." said the son.
"The will says a bit here goes to Doug the dentist, and some of this other stuff goes to the kids." said the lawyer.

The "other stuff" for the kids included, if they could track them down, the old windbag's diamonds. But Doug the Dentist had lifted them slowly from her possession for years.

"Hey we can't find the diamonds. Where are they?" said the kids.

Doug the Dentist was nervous so he started hiding them in patients teeth. The patients didn't know. But he didn't tell the patients. He was dumb. Some of the patients started to move away and some started to die too so he couldn't get a hold of them or get them back. He'd call the patients in for "free checkups" when he needed to get his diamonds back.

He started confiding in his close friend, the also corrupt Dr. Gheri Smutz, about the diamonds. Smutz was a real doctor so he was a little smarter. He was a urologist.

"I think I have an idea of where you can hide the diamonds." said Smutz.
"In your patients urethras?" said Dr. Doug.
"No, that's a terrible idea!"
"Oh." said Doug, embarrassed. He was intimidated by Gheri's success so he put him in a higher status position. "Well where?" he continued.
"I'll bury them... in my rectum." said Gheri.
"Okay." said Doug.

But Gheri was a sneaky urologist who was very greedy and he took all those diamonds and first put them in his rectum for fun, then he realized he should travel to Switzerland and put them in a Swiss deposit box. So he kept them in his rectum for the plain ride. Then he left them there.

No one really knew what to do with these diamonds. They were just diamonds. Gheri was rich anyway. He just wanted the diamonds because some people are bad guys and assholes. Gheri Smutz was also one of those doctors who rushed people when he had appointments with them.

"Mmmhmm... Mhmm... Mhm." he said loud and hard when his patients talked. What a piece of shit.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

The Johnsons' Church Day

Barf Johnson and his wife Piss Johnson, and their six beautiful kids, Shit, Puke, Skid, Jizz, Fuck and Snot Johnson all got up early for church.

They drove together as a family in the minivan.

"Are you kids going to pray real good?" said Barf Johnson, then he smiled to his pretty wife Piss, as they waited for the answer.
"I can't wait to say my happy prayers." said Little Shit.
"Aww isn't that sweet?" said Piss.
"What about the rest of you?" said Barf.
"I love church!" said Puke.
"Ya do?" said Barf.
"Just get me in that pew and watch me pray!" said Puke.
"We've raised a good boy." said Barf to Piss.
"Isn't anyone else excited about church?" asked Piss.
"Mom, Jizz has my toy and won't give it back to me!" said Skid.
"Jizz, is that true?" asked Barf.
"Skid keeps waving the toy in my face so I took it away and sat on it." said Jizz.
"Well give it back to Skid and Skid stop waving it in your sister Jizz's face. She's a girl and girls are very concerned about their faces, you hear me?" said Barf.
"Aw dad, why'd you say that? I'm so embarrassed now." said Jizz. Then she sat there with her arms crossed and pouted.

Barf was concerned. He leaned over to his wife Piss.
"Honey, what did I say wrong?" Barf asked.
"Oh don't worry, Jizz is just going through a phase. She's at that age, you know." said Piss.
"They grow up so fast." said Barf, smiling.

Suddenly Barf hit a pothole, it didn't cause any damage, but Fuck spilled his apple juice on his sister Snot.

"Mom! Fuck spilt juice on meee!" said Snot.
"I knew we should have made you take a lid, Fuck." said Piss, in a motherly tone.
"I want mo' joose." said Fuck in a real cute voice, he had a childish speech impediment.
"Awww." said everyone in the car.

Then they went to church, had a great family Sunday, and had a lot of ham for lunch.

Friday, May 8, 2015

The Best Work Excuses

Horpadoo didn't want to do his paperwork.

"Aw shoot it's all this reading and typing and reading more and looking stuff up. Then making copies and sending it to spreadsheet corporate office so that I can make a new one! Shoot! I don't want to do it." said Horpadoo.
"Too bad you gotta, it's your job you duckface!" said Bosso the Doppo.
"Oh man, you're such a mean boss, Bosso." Horpadoo said to Bosso the Doppo. "Boy, what kind of cursed life is this, anyway?!" Horpadoo said to his Lord and personal savior in the sky.
"Get on it." said Bosso.

Horpadoo dragged his feet.
"Darn, if only I had some sort of loved one died or I got cancer!" said Horpadoo.

Then he got a great idea. He would tell Bosso the Doppo he was cancered and his loved one was dying. So he did that.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry." said Bosso the Doppo.
"Yeah, it's so hard, but anyway I'd love to keep talking about the cancer and dying loved one, but I have to do these spreadsheet copies for reading and type time." said Horpadoo.

Bosso the Doppo thought introspectively, then took a sigh to himself, looked at the ground, then looked up at Horpadoo.

"Hey Horpadoo?"
"Yeah, Bosso the Doppo, did you need something? I'm just in the middle of working hard on these work hard read sheet copies."
"Yeah. I do. I need you to go take a break and take care of yourself. I insist. You have important things." said Bosso.
"Oh shoot, but I want to do this hard work so bad."
"I know, but hay, since you got dying cancer stuff in your life. I'm gonna take the work instead."
"Aw man, ugh, dang, shoot, just ONE more thing this cancer stuff is screwing up in my life. Shoot, shoot, shoot!" said Horpadoo. Then he secretly grinned to himself.

Horpadoo was in the money. Off the hook. Feelin' great. He took some confident relieved big strides out toward the doorway until--

"Oh, Horpadoo?" said Bosso the Doppo.
"Yeah, Bosso?"
"Just a formality, you think you could just send me an authenticated government sealed copy of your doctor's cancer diagnosis and mother's proof of dying or whatever?" said Bosso the Doppo.

Horpadoo's face went red.
"Your face is red, Horpadoo."
"Uh yeah it's a symptom of loved one dying." said Horp.

But Horpadood was busted. Now he had to go to the doc to get tested for dying and stuff. He went and got his results back. The results were that he was dying of cancer and then he was like "Yessss no worksheets to do for real now!" Then he went back to Bosso the Doppo and showed him the formality cancer diagnosis.

"Yo Bosso the Doppo, check it out! I got cancer for real I'm dying, read 'em and weep!!!" he said slamming down the cancer diagnosis paper.

Horpadoo smiled and thought to himself, "Now I get to die and not do any of the stupid work I didn't wanna do--score!"
"What about your dying loved one?" said Bosso.

The jig was up.
"Ya got me." said Horpadoo.
"You're fired." said Bosso the Doppo.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Little Patty Was Too Big

Little Patty looked like a little bitty cookie. Little Patty was tired of hearing that those. It was an obvious thing to state. Little Patty wanted to go splish splash in the little bitty butty puddle. It was a tiny little puddle on the ground and Big Patty was like "No no no that puddle is going to get your clean sneakies all wet."

"Aw Big Patty takes away all the fun."
"Aw well Little Patty it can't all be fun."
"Big this puddle is gonna dry up and I won't have gotted to splish and splosh on it!"
"That's just part of the hard facts of life, huh, Little Patty?"
"Boo Hoo." said Little Patty.

Then they went on home and nibble on some corn. When they finished that, Big Patty went and punched on some putty. It got molded into a kooky shape. It looked like a big anteater.

"This is my masterwork." said Big Patty.
"Yeah, yeah it's great." said Little Patty, "Keep makin' it."

And Big Patty's ego got inflated by the encouragement so it created a distraction. Then Little Patty ran outside and found another puddle to splish splosh in. Little Patty started getting too excited and saw a light turn on in a building across the street and wondered if it was from the noise and excitement.

Then Little Patty snuck back inside, Big Patty was still at it with the putty pounding.

"Oh yes! I'm the best."
"That's right keep going." said Little Patty, tiptoe-sloshing.

Then Little Patty started to feel a cold coming on. Uh oh. Little Patty lay in bed breathing and the breathing felt so loud Little Patty felt frightened and wondered if someone else was in the room, but no, it was just Little Patty's breathing through clogged ears. On top of the cold Little Patty's sneakies were all wet and dirty. Little Patty was perplexed. Why that soil and discomfort?

Who can say whether Little Patty made the wrong choice. Little Patty went to town hall to make a speech the next day.

"Are sneakies not to be wettied and dirtied? Are noses not to be sniffled, while ears get clogged? What is this world?! Shall we not speak of it?" said Little Patty to the town hall gallery.
"You look a cookie, hehe." said Schmucko.
"Hehe, yeah a cookie!" said others.

It was a small town.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Curmudgeonnifer the Cranky

Curmudgeonnifer was a cranky lady that seemed to have a problem with everything.

"Hey Curmudgeonnifer, want to go eat a sandwich with me?" said Dan.
"Mehh bread slows me down." said Curmudgeonnifer.

Then she crossed her arms.

"Hey Curmudgeonnifer, want to watch this movie?" asked Fran.
"Mehh the runtime is too long." said Curmudgeonnifer.

Then she turned up her nose.

"Hey Curmudgeonnifer, it's supposed to be a real good movie." said Fran's friend Frank.
"Mehhh my bottom gets sore in the seats." said Curmudgeonnifer.
"Guess we'll have to go together." said Frank to Fran.

Curmudgeonnifer adjusted her position in the chair she was seated in.

"Hey Curmudgeonnifer, I in love with you will you marry me?" asked Ricardo.
"Mehh fine but my finger's too fat for a ring and I wanna stay seated for the ceremony."
"You has make me the happiest man in the world." said Ricardo.
"Mehh happiness don't last." said Curmudgeonnifer

Then she spit out a date pit in a jar full of date pits. She liked eating dates.

"Would you care to stand?" asked the clergy at her wedding.
"No I wouldn't." said Curmudgeonnifer.
"Very well, do we have the ring?" said the clergy.
"Clearly this guy didn't get the memo." said Curmudgeonnifer.

Curmudgeonnifer scratched her scalp and adjusted her hairpiece.

"Are you guys excited about your honeymoon?" asked Virginia
"Honeymoon, more like Vinegarmoon." said Curmudgeonnifer.
"Oh you're a gas!" said Virginia.
"You're a gas chamber," said Curmudgeonnifer, "excuse me."

Then Curmudgeonnifer went to get a second helping of the food. Her wedding dress was getting tight. It was uncomfortable so she went and changed into her bathrobe.

"Much better." she said. "Well, much is a stretch. But better."

Then Curmudgeonnifer and Ricardo cut the wedding cake and she lived crankily ever after. Ricardo spoke poor English for the rest of his life.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Duder's Whining Harmonica

Duder rambled down the freeway from truckstop to truckstop. He must've grazed every lot lizard from northeast to the southwest. And all along he honked his trusty, whiney harmonicai.

Ooh did he know how to make that little baby whine! He whined it like a bratty child. Them blues was alive and well in this country, with Duder at the harmonicai helm.

He was hungry from ham and eggs one mornin' and he hustled and bustled into a diner from some fast breakin'. Ain't had no money he did, but he whipped out that bratty little whiner and croaked a good wawa on it, got himself some unborns and some slab on the platter for the price of zero!

"Yep." he said to himself, "Alls I gotta do is get my little pocket baby here a cryin' and they just hand over baby's candy."

Duder walked into a juke joint and played some sad tunes. Duder walked over to the cigarette man stand and got him some smokies. Duder needed a ride and his his wawa child hitched it for him.

"People respect a man who can play a harmonicai." said the truck driver who picked him up.
"Much obliged." said Duder.
"Say, my radio is broke. Can you fill the silence?" said the driver.

Duder wawa'd all the way to the next station.

"Welp, lookin' like it's time to fill 'er up. Think you can chip in?" asked the driver. Duder pulled out his harmonicai again and whaled away.
"Aw hell. Forget it." said the driver.

The driver had planned to drop Duder off in Wichita and be on his way to Oklahoma City. Duder wawa'd his way all the way out of the way to Fayetteville! The driver was p.o.'d as a screamin' fire engine without a burnin' building. Duder pissed a lotta people off with his melodic tantrum throwin' manipulator stick.

One day Duder with found dead with his harmonica shoved down his throat.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

The President of the United Steaks

The President of the United Steaks of America went on to make his speech. He was all dolled up real nice for TV.

"Ladies and Gentleman, our steaks are tough and they could be more tender!" he said.

He was pretty passionate, then he had a nervous breakdown. The Secret Sauce Service rushed over to him. They had to call his mom. His mom showed up. She had a walker.

"What's wrong, Pres?" asked his mom.
"I don't like steaks, anymore." said The President of the United Steaks.
"Uh oh." she said.
"I resign. I'm actually a vegetarian." he said.

It was all on TV. The steak-eating public saw it all.
"Politicians are all liars!" said the public.

The President of the United Steaks quit and packed his his things from the Steakhouse. His family moved into a small apartment.

"Everything I do, I don't know why I do it. What's the point of it all anyway? No one ever paid attention when I tried to talk about the real steak issues. Then I lost interest. I don't know how you capture the imagination of the steak loving Americans." he told his wife Jeremy.
"Now honey, I have to go get brain surgery now so I can't be bothered with this stuff that is stressing you out." said Jeremy the wife.

Then Jeremy the wife went into surgery and lost all free thought. They botched the surgery. Oops.
"Oh now I'm alone with my horrible thoughts and feelings." said the President of the United Steaks.

He ran to the farms.
"Cows forgive me!" he screamed.

The cows stared.
"You can't stop what's comin', baby." said the cows.

"Dread! Nothingness! I made it to the top of the steak ladder and it didn't make me feel full so I had another steak and it still didn't make me feel full. Then I kept eating steaks and I didn't feel better. What is there now!?" said the former Pres.

He went home and his wife Jeremy sat in a wheelchair. He spoon shoveled spoonfuls of steak soup into her mouth and it dribbled out over her bib. Her left eyelid spasmed involuntarily. The former Pres ate a radish. It was Chripsmas Day. His son opened a present.

"Wow a box of dough, thanks Dad, I love you." said his son. And that was that.

The Pee Rug Experience

Hampton had to urinate real bad. He was a few feet away from the restroom and standing on Jeffy's rug. Hampton didn't want to stop eating his piece of cheese.

"Yom num, yom num, yom num." he said, chewing on his cheese.
"This sure is good." he continued through his smacking.

Hampton was enjoying his cheese so much he was certain a trip to the bathroom would disrupt his cheese eating pleasure experience. So he just let his pee guard down and relaxed it out right through his pants and onto Jeffy's rug. Sure the pee tinkled through his pants and soaked his sock, but the rug got the brunt of it, no big deal. And that cheese!

Well Hampton was having a great time. That is until Jeffy came in and sloshed on some of Hampton's pee.

"What in the world!?" said Jeffy.
"I... what?" said Hampton, still holding a cube of cheese.
"Is that--? You peed!" said Jeffy.

Hampton was so into his cheese and personal convenience that he hadn't really thought about anything else. It was a real weak moment for him.

"Oh, I... -er, uh..." said Hampton.
"This is all so gross! And I love this rug. And now I'm dealt this situation?! What have I done?"
"Um..." Hampton was embarrassed.

Hampton tried to think quick to justify the pee puddle situation. The truth usually sets one free so he queued up the truth in his brain: I was enjoying this piece of cheese so much that I peed everywhere instead of stopping to pee in the toilet. That one didn't seem so freeing. Hampton withheld that truth.

"I... I'm mentally ill." said Hampton.
"What?" said Jeffy, incredulously. As people don't have much patience for mentally ill people really.
"Yes. I've got a condition in my brain, so my body doesn't know when it is doing things like urinating sometimes! How embarrassing!!" said Hampton, playing up on the embarrassment as a ploy for sympathy.

Jeffy stood there and thought for a moment. "Ah... krap. Well, I didn't realize you had that pee body mental condition. And I can see you are embarrassed. Shoot. Don't worry about it. I understand these things happen." said Jeffy.
"Phew!" said Hampton, relieved Jeffy believed his brain condition story.
"Phew?" asked Jeffy, because it was clear that's how Hampton meant it.
"I mean, yeah. Like Phew, glad you don't hate me!." said Hampton.
"Oh yeah. No worries, man." said Jeffy.

Then Hampton left and tracked pee out of the house. He felt bad and was nice to everyone he saw for like five days straight, as a penance for his dishonesty, then he pushed the pee rug experience out of his brain and went back to being how he normally was.

Friday, May 1, 2015

The Bragger's Burden

Hank Mopperman was standing by the water fountain. 

"I'm thirsty." said Hank. 

Then Hank Mopperman took a breath, bent over and slurped some water out of the water fountain. Then a teenage jerk kid walked by and dropped an ice cream wrapper on the ground and kept walking with his other teenage jerk friend. They probably weren't that bad of jerks, just immature and too hormonal and empathetic to think to throw the wrapper in the garbage. So they littered and didn't think anything of it.

Hank looked at the ice cream wrapper laying on the ground, lightly rattling in the wind. He wasn't about to say anything to the teenage kids walking away. But he did think the piece of litter ought to go in the trash. 

"I guess that is garbage." he said to himself.

Hank bent over and picked up the ice cream wrapper. He looked around for a receptacle. Then he spotted one about fifty feet away. So he walked to it and placed the ice cream wrapper in the can.

"Hey!" shouted a voice from about one hundred feet away. It was Gloria.
"Who me?" shouted back Hank.
"Yes! said Gloria.

Then Gloria walked over to Hank.

"Hey!" She said again.
"Yes? Hi." said Hank.
"That was nice of you." said Gloria.
"What?" said Hank.
"I saw that whole thing happen. It was nice of you to throw that piece of trash in the trashcan." said Gloria.
"Oh... well it was no big deal." said Hank
"No, I think it was real nice and you should feel real good about yourself." said Gloria.
"Oh... well thank you." said Hank

Hank Mopperman went home and thought about that. He sat there. He wanted to tell someone about the thing that had happened to him that day. That a lady said a nice thing to him. He thought about calling his mom, Momma Mopperman, but it was late and he didn't want to wake her. He thought about calling his friend Benjamin from the book club. But Ben was more of a reader than a talker. Hank looked at his cat, Cocoa, but his cat had a real indifference about her. 

Hank wanted desperately to have someone to share the story of the lady who said the nice thing to him. He wasn't sure who to share the story with. Then he wondered if it had actually happened.