Tuesday, June 30, 2015

The Water Fetch

Handsome Peasant Boy Ludley was the peasant boy for Lady Dumsmere Smottle.

"Fetch me water from the well!" said Lady Dumsmere.
"Yes madam." said Boy Ludley.

By the way, Boy Ludley was like 17, which looked more like 25. He was pretty studly and handsome. Lady Dumsmere was woman sized and woman aged.

"Boy Ludley, do not fetch the water from the Chudworth well. Fetch it from the Kensington well." said Lady Dumsmere.
"Yes madam." said Boy Ludley.
But "Fuck." he thought afterwards.

The Chudworth well was so much closer and easier to fetch water from than the Kensington well. What a royal pain in the ass this would be. Could she really tell the difference between water quality? Or was she just fucking with him and making him do these inconvenient tasks? She always did shit like this. Boy Ludley was really growing to hate Lady Dumsmere. There was also a hint of sexual tension with them.

Boy Ludley went on his journey to fetch water from the Kensington well. It was also the hottest day of the year. "What a bitch." he thought to himself. He fantasized about spitting in the water. He didn't do it. He should have though.

He returned the water to Lady Dumsmere. She sniffed it, took a sip, said "Mehh it's not as good today as usual," and poured it in the urine pit. Boy Ludley was pissed, but he kept his rage to himself.

Later that evening he was hanging out with his friends Grisby and Jankles. They were hammering flint rocks, and drinking beer. Boy Ludley told a tale that he had spat in Lady Dumsmere's water, even though it wasn't true. He just wanted to feel as though he'd took his misfortunes in his own hands, and perhaps saying that he'd done what he'd wished he'd done would give him the same sense of satisfaction as having done it. Grisby and Jankles were casually impressed.

The next afternoon Boy Ludley was summoned to the executioner to be beheaded because some fucking bitch talked. Boy Ludley was pissed. His last thought was that he should have spat in that bitch's water for real. But then his almost last thought was gonna be that he guessed it was all the same if she thought he spat in it anyway. Same effect happened. But he didn't fully get that thought through his brain before the axe came down and took his head off. The end.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Fart Stoop Head

Fart Stoop Head sat in his afartment dumping up a storm. He was a nerd with glasses. He liked all his books. They were piled high. Sometimes he'd forget how to read.

"Damnit!!!!" he'd yell.
"Who me?!" said his neighbor Rabbi Puke Horowitz, through the wall.
"No!!" said Fart Stoop Head.
"Oh okay!" yelled the Rabbi.
"Fuck shit krap goddamnit. Now I have to learn how to read again."

So then Fart would crank open his book of ABCs and learn all the ABCs and words like cat and tree. Then he'd eventually learn how to read real well again. Then he'd read the book he'd initially intended to read.

"Aw fuck, this book is bad, all that for this?!!" he'd yell.
"You yelling at me?" the Rabbi next door would yell again.
"No, goddamnit!" Fart would yell.

Fart would also get mail addressed to Dr. Fart Stoophead. But he wasn't a doctor because he was a credit shy of getting his PhD. And the mail mistake would be a painful reminder of his failure that he put so highly on a pedestal, even though it was an irrelevant failure. So he'd call the mail office.

"Hey stop sending me stuff that says doctor!" said Fart. Then the auto-mated system of the mail office would say "Take it up with the people who sent you the mail. We're just the messenger, don't shoot us!"

Fart would also get phone calls "Hello is this Fart Stoop Head!?" "Stop calling here! Damn telemarketers!" he'd yell.

Then one day his other neighbor knocked on his door. It was Rita, she was an elephant. "Can I borrow some honey? I have strained my vocal cords." said Rita. Fart was nice about it. "Sure come on in." Rita entered and destroyed the whole front of the door and the living room. Fart thought she was pretty. They sat and had a nice chat about wood used for making guitars, even though Rita had a strained voice. Then Rita excused herself to the bathroom and Fart Stoop Head called the police to deliver flowers, which is a public service they provide for all citizens in addition to law enforcement.

The flowers arrived by the time Rita got out of the bathroom and Rita thought they were very pretty.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Cocaine Calvin Snorts

There was a real shithead party on the Glossycrud Block. Everyone with shiny clothes and gelly hair was there.

Hugo, Ted, Charlotte, and Cocaine Calvin sucked up a line of cocaine real hard. Cocaine Calvin sucked up the cocaine harder than anyone.

"Aw man of course we should have guessed Cocaine Calvin was gonna suck up the cocaine hard before we could get some of it." said Hugo.
"I wanted some of the cocaine too, Cocaine Calvin!" said Charlotte.
"I needed it!" said Hugo.
"I didn't want it that bad. I mostly just need friends." mumbled Ted.

Meanwhile Cocaine Calvin was sucking the cocaine through his nose into his head.
"One sec then it'll be your turn, lemme just get one little suck into my face." said Cocaine Calvin.

Then he took the biggest hardest cocaine nose suck you ever did hear about in your whole coke-snorting life. He sucked so hard that the cocaine shot through his nasal passage like a bullet, penetrating his eye balls and the gray matter in his brain and shattering through his skull and ripping through his thinning hair and cracking into the ceiling fan and piercing through the ceiling and shredding through the insulation in the attic and chopping through the wood boards in the roof and unshingling the shingles on top of the house and soaring through the sky and absorbing all the moisture and barely missing an airbus transporting people.

"Oh gosh." said the passengers, feeling a bit of a rattle.
"Sorry about that misters and misses, we're experiencing a bit of cocaine turbulence." said the pilot.
"How did you know it was cocaine turbulence?" said the co-pilot.
"I'm an old pro." said the pilot.
"Wow!" said the co-pilot.
"But looks like we're gonna have a storm now." said the pilot.

Cuz the cocaine shot into the clouds and the atmosphere and spinned em around a bunch and it rained and took evaporated water away from important water reserves.

Back down at the party the gang hung out.

"I feel awesome." said Cocaine Calvin. Then he died. Then Charlotte did some and she felt real hot and the dudes wanted to do it with her.
"Oh no it's raining!" said other people at the party.

Don't do drugs.

The Wacky Hair Covet

Wacky Hair Frank had rainbow streaks in his hair.

"Hey I like your hair!" said Tuna Face.
"Thanky to little ol' you!" said Wacky Hair Frank.
"Hey can I copy your hair?" said Tuna Face.
"No it's my personal identity!" said Wacky Hair Frank.
"Oh. I'm sorry I mentioned it."

Then Tuna Face started to walk away with his head down. Wacky Hair Frank felt bad.

"Hey wait!" said Wacky Hair Frank. Tuna Face stopped.
"You know what? I was wrong. People can do whatever they want, and that includes you copying my hair."
"I don't want to copy your dumb ol' hair I can get my own identity." said Tuna Face.
"Whoa you go cranky fast." said Wacky Hair Frank. Then Wacky Hair Frank turned and started to walk away.

Then Tuna Face realized he had been rude.
"Hey wait!" said Tuna Face. Then Wacky Hair Frank stopped.
"I was wrong to be so sensitive." said Tuna Face.

Then The Rainbow Hair Club walked out of the ballroom they were standing in front of. They were marching to their theme song.

Tuna Face and Wacky Hair Frank stood there and watched them march away. They were stunned because they didn't know The Rainbow Hair Club existed. They both thought Wacky Hair Frank was super original. But then they realized The Rainbow Hair Club, which was founded 53 years ago, had been on top of the rainbow hair look for a long time.

"Hey I guess I owe you an apology for being so protective of my image, then being so sensitive." said Wacky Hair Frank.
"I owe you an apology for wanting to copy, then being so sensitive about not be able to find my place in the world and taking it out on you almost not accepting me." said Tuna Face.

Then they hugged as friends.

Then The Rainbow Hair Club grew to being a dangerous cult that sacrificed expensive meals and blackmailed politicians, so they were kind of not too bad, except for the food wasting part.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Grandpa Parties and More

Grandpa was wise, but he was also a party animal. He liked to dance too.

"Whoa doesn't anyone think Grandpa should cool it and calm it and not be so out there and partying?" said Cesar.
"I hear you just fine, and I love to party, pass the beers and snacks!" said Grandpa.

Cesar was embarrassed because he thought Grandpa wouldn't hear. But Grandpa was older and wiser and had more experience over Cesar so Grandpa knew when people were talking about him.

"I like Grandpa I wanna be just like him." said Jean. But Jean had frizzy hair and silly glasses frames, so no one really listened to her.
"Aw shut up, Jean, I'm trying to think." said Greg.
"Greg is so mean." said Hannah.
"I agree." said Ted, who just liked Hannah and was nervous around her so said he agreed with everything she said.
"Grow a pair." said Chet, Ted's homeboy, to Ted.

Ted was always wimping out about stuff and Chet was telling him to be a bigger bro about it and less of a wimp. Chet had rage issues and punched a wall once, it did more damage to his hand than the wall. He had to take anger management classes because otherwise bad stuff would happen.

"You need a system in place to keep you from making erratic choices that could hurt you." said Bossum, the anger management coordinator, who spoke in a gentle voice..

Bossum went home and cooked some pearl barley. It boiled hard and heavy and loosened that barley up. Good for the colon. When the water was boiling Bossum reached for the pot and the hot boiling water bubbled out of the lid of the pot and burned Bossum, the calm anger management coordinator.

"Aw fuck that hurts!" said Bossum.

Then Bossum relaxed and didn't stress too much about the stuff because he had a decent system in place. But he did certainly lose his cool a little for a second with the sudden burn. Bossum's neighbor Ruthie-Roo saw Bossum jump and scream through her kitchen window. Ruthie-Roo knew that Bossum's "keep calm" guru business was horseshit, she just hadn't had much of a way to prove it.

Ruthie-Roo was also the grand-daughter of Grandpa, the party guy, who liked to dance.

Small world.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

The Old Backpack

Tracy the Walk Arounder had a backpack full of stuff like snacks like oat bars, and tupperware with macaroni, and a pad of paper to draw very detailed pictures of turtles, which she liked to do, and the pencils to draw them with. But she kept her money in her pocket. The backpack was also nice.

Tracy walked up a hill for fun. It was a big tall hill though. It was made of mush. A great earthy mush. It smelled fresh. There was a guy on it camping, he had an Irish accent. That made the hill seem even more fresh.

"It's ah noice dai, asun't it?" said the Irish guy.
"Yah!" said Tracy.

Tracy kept walking and got tired of carrying her backpack and all the crap in it. She didn't really need it. She also was slugging it along the streets and just wherever she walked. She put it down and left it. Tracy kept walking. She didn't have the backpack anymore. It was a nice backpack. In fact she liked it. But it was a pain to carry. She didn't wanna carry it. So she got rid of it. She didn't really need the stuff in it.

"I can get another backpack at some point." she thought.
"I can also get more crap to put in it at some point." she thought next.
"It sure is nice walking around with my arms swinging." she thought after that.
"I guess I kind of miss the backpack." she then thought.

Then she walked more. She found a basket made of twine. She liked it. She picked it up. She carried it on her back. It was nice looking to her. She wouldn't have been able to carry it on her back if she'd had that backpack. The twine basket wasn't much though. It was really only good for decoration. Maybe someone got rid of it and left it where she found it because it wasn't good for much else besides looking nice. You couldn't really hold stuff in it very well. Maybe someone would find Tracy's old backpack and think the same thing about it and leave it.

Tracy thought about whether she preferred someone to pick up her old backpack and be a good home for it, or if she'd rather they leave it alone and no one use it, because it was her favorite backpack.

Then Tracy thought "Why's that backpack so sentimental? It's just a backpack, who cares?" Then she thought about how she was probably thinking about the backpack a lot because she didn't know what else to think about so she was just sorting everything out in her head.

Then she started thinking all these things in the funny Irish accent that that one guy from before had. "Whoy's thurt backpark so santimant'l!?" She made herself laugh.

She had lots of time to think about stuff while she walked. Then she got rid of the nice twine basket.

Foopy the Dumbling Gozo

Foopy the Dumbling Gozo was smupping over in the crabhouse. Gobbler asked Foopy to sweep up the juckles.

"Aw darn, shoot! I'm not good at sweeping up the juckles, but I'll do it for you Gobbler!" said Foopy.
"If you didn't do it then it would just do itself. And no one does a worser job at it than it doing itself." said Gobbler.
"You have a ploint!" said Foopy.

Foopy got his bloom sweeper out of his big big pocket.

"I don't think I'm going to do a gribby job at this. I think I'm going to do a smummy job. Oh gubs, am I nervous!" said Foopy.

Then Foopy filled his plocket with thickel so he could slurp it all over the floor with his bloom sweeper. But the problem was the thickel started get sucked up by the gusters rather than sucking up the gusters.

"Thickel is supposed to absorb gusters! What's going on here?" said Foopy.
Then a crab walked up.

"Hey this is my house!" said the crab.
"I'm supposed to sweep up the juckles here, but the gusters are sucking up my thickel!"
"Oh. Well I can't help you. I'm just a crab I'm not arposed to sweep up juckles or gusters. I should leave you alone." said the crab.
"No no wait I'm lonely!"

But the crab scabbered off.

Then Foopy stepped in the plocket and it clanked on the zambingle, which kumbled down the yesso jamblers, which landed on Foopy's bald head and spappered into his guggles.

"Ooh that tuckles!" said Foopy kind of grinning. Then Foopy looked at the mess that had been created.
"Oh no. I did this." said Foopy.
"Maybe we should go back to doing it ourself!" said the juckles. Then the juckles kiggled everywhere.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Bile Mouth

Bile Mouth was looking for a sweetie.

"Hey can I have a kiss?" he said.
"No." said Jessica.
"Hey can I have a kiss?" he said again.
"No." said Sally.
"Hey can I have a kiss?" he said to another.
"No." said Babs.
"Hey kiss me, babe." he said trying a new approach.
"No way!" said Gertrude.
"Hey wanna plant an ol' smooch on this guy here?" he said pointing to himself.
"Ew." said Fran.
"Hey how bout you pucker up and--" 

Then Talia interrupted Bile Mouth before he could finish what he was saying.

"Listen Bile Mouth. Your mouth is full of acidic harsh and smelly bile. I don't think many people are going to want to kiss you while you have all that bile in your mouth. You better try to rinse it out." said Talia.

Then Milk Mouth walked into the place and said "Holla."

"Oh gosh. Holla? She is so annoying." said Vanessa.
"Oy vay why would she say that?" said Rachel.
"I think she's gross look at all the milk coming out of her mouth." said Ninette. 

The ladies didn't like Milk Mouth.
"Yall's jealous." said Milk Mouth.
"Hey Bile Mouth, go talk to Milk Mouth." said Talia.

Before Bile Mouth could go talk to Milk Mouth, Milk Mouth was right in Bile Mouth's face.
"What what what! Raise a roof we gonna kiss or what?!" said Milk Mouth.
"Milk's a base, bile's an acid. Let's do it!" said Bile Mouth.

Then they kissed and neutralized each other.
"Ew." said Talia, "But good for you." 

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

The Candy Wanter

Gurk wanted a candy.
"Gimme the good candy please." said Gurk.
"No can't have candy." said Mutt.
"I want it." said Gurk.
"Too bad." said Mutt.
"Damnit!" said Gurk.
"Yep." said Mutt real smug.
"Grrrrr." said Gurk.
"Better just go away." said Mutt.

Then Old Man showed up.
"I got candy for you." said Old Man.
"Huh?!" said Gurk.
"What didn't you hear me? I'm supposed to be the one who can't hear that well cuz I'm old." said Old Man.
"No I heard you, I just couldn't believe it!" said Gurk.
"Don't give him candy!" said Mutt.
"I'll do what I damn well please I'm 74 years old." said Old Man.
"Damnit!" said Mutt.
"So you want the candy?" said Old Man.
"Do I ever." said Gurk.
"Okay here comes the candy." said Old Man reaching in his candy satchel.
"Damnit." said Mutt. Mutt didn't want Gurk to have candy.
"Yesss." said Gurk with anticipation.

Then Old Man pulled out a handful of candy and it was Old Man candy.
"Here!" said Old Man, holding stuff like peppermints, hard candy and salt water taffy.
"Uhhhh..." said Gurk.
"It's all yours." said Old Man.
"Ha ha ha!!" said Mutt.
"Thank you." said Gurk, politely but insincerely.
"You wanted it now you got it!" said Mutt.
"Shut up." said Gurk.

Then Gurk ate it and got sick, but not because hated the bad Old Man candy, but because he had a sensitivity to candy that Mutt was trying to keep Gurk conscious of because Mutt cared a lot about Gurk but Gurk didn't care about himself. See? You didn't know the whole story and now that you do it has a different meaning, doesn't it? The End.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Pudrey's Transformation

Pudrey was a lady with a cat like face. She went to Dr. Greeeeez, the plastic surgeon and said "Hey can you make me have more of a bird like face?" Dr. Greeeeez looked at her and acted like a real expert medical professional with his body language and then said "Hmm... hmm... yes, yes. I think we can fix that."

So then Dr. Greeeeez made her take risky sleeping drugs and put a bunch of marker marks and cuts and knifes into her face and moved some stuff around and took some stuff off and added a thing on and said "There! Done. Now wake up."

Pudrey woke up and Dr. Greeeeez was like "Oh wait we have to put bandages all over you and give you put pills and things to keep the swelling down."
"Oh good I don't need that swelling. I just want to get to looking like a bird. I know I'll be happy." said Pudrey.
"I agree." said Dr. Greeeeez.

Then Pudrey went home and watched a bunch of television shows about murder for weeks until her face stopped swelling and her cuts healed. Then they did. Then she looked like a bird.

"Now we're talkin! Or should I say now we're squawkin'!" said Pudrey to her face as she looked at it in the mirror.

Then Pudrey went walking around and displaying her birdface. She was real cocky about it for a second. People didn't have the reaction she was hoping for.

"Hey you look ugly!" said a meanie real loud.
"Ew, look at that lady." whispered a person to another person, about Pudrey.
"Um we have some specials today. I think you'd really enjoy the bag of seeds." said a waiter who was making a joke to her.

Pudrey didn't like it. She went back to Dr. Greeeeez and said "Hey this stinks I'm mad can you fix it? Make it look like a turtle face or something." Dr. Greeeeez looked her up and down and said "Yeah... hmm... we can do that." He really seemed like a medical expert.

But then she was still ugly and weird looking after that process. Then she went to another doctor, because maybe it was all Dr. Greeeeez's fault. She went to Dr. Quec and asked if he could make her look like a really pretty woman. "Yeah... hmmm.. yeah... we can fix that and that, yeah." said Dr. Quec. So she went through that whole process and then walked down the street and people were like "Hey she looks weird look at her!"

Then she ran out of money.

The Dignified Muckhead

Muckhead was eating a barrel of chicken in the chicken barrel eating contest. His reward was an extra jar of mayonnaise. Obviously that mayonnaise jar would be pretty nice to have. What a fine prize! What a thing to enjoy! Wow a nice big extra jar of genuine mayo'd out mayonnaise. Muckhead had mayonnaise, but this was extra mayonnaise. Hard to look away from. Hard to resist. Hard to refuse. Hard not to get a little giddy about. So many uses for it. Such a fine reserve of such a fine product. A true motivator for any common man.

Bloag was a fellow Muckhead knew. Bloag was eating that chicken in the chicken barrel eating contest too. Muckhead had a hard time even feeling competitive about the chicken barrel eating contest because he lovd the chicken barrel eating so much to begin with.

"Go on eat that goddamn chicken barrel chicken fellas! Don't you want that big jug of extra MAYONNAISE!!?" said the ringleaders of the chicken barrel eating contest.

Smickle-dickle walked up to Muckhead and Bloag and ignored Muckhead and looked right at Bloag and said "Bloag! You should just stop eating that chicken barrel, and walk up to that jar of extra mayonnaise and pick up and grab it and go have your way with that extra mayonnaise however you see fit. Because baby I think you should have it!"
"Heh, thanks Smickle-dickle. I do think I should get it. It'd be nice to have all that extra mayonnaise." said Bloag. Then he turned back to gobbling.

Muckhead did want the mayonnaise too. "It would be nice." he thought. But he was enjoying that chicken barrel. Bloag also liked Muckhead. Bloag didn't want to offend Muckhead. Bloag took a pause from mercilessly gobbling down some chicken barrel. He turned to Muckhead.

"Oh...uh.. hey Muckhead... Were you hoping to get that extra mayonnaise?" Muckhead stopped. He got nervous. He felt on the spot. He couldn't look Bloag in the eyes. "Um, uh. Well, um... I like the chicken from the barrel. I mean I'm not one to... if you were super into... er... I don't know."

Muckhead didn't want to talk about it with Bloag. He felt icky about it. For some reason Muckhead felt it was undignified to compete. Maybe Muckhead felt the mayonnaise ought to just be given to him. To bend over backwards or face the confrontation of discussing his desire for it would be petty. It would be phony. It would be phlegmy. Bloag really was after that extra mayonnaise. Like a mayonnaise viking. Bloag turned on the super speed and gobbled down the chicken barrel and guess what? He was rewarded with an extra jar of mayonnaise. He left a literal victor. The winner.

"The extra jar of mayonnaise goes to... Bloag, obviously!!" rang in Muckhead's ears.

And Muckhead himself? Well he went home to a pile of plain sandwiches, a clean spatula, and a dry toilet seat that would have loved an extra jar of oversized mayonnaise. It was a sad and lonely sight.

Muckhead thought about it. Did Muckhead maintain his dignity? Should he have aggressively fought for the jar of mayonnaise. Did Muckhead stop a bridge from burning? Would Bloag really have minded if Muckhead walked away with the extra mayonnaise? Did Muckhead really need that extra mayonnaise? He actually had his own mayonnaise. He did get to eat lots of chicken from the barrel, which he enjoyed. His fill! He was loaded with chicken barrel chicken, that's for sure. He also even still had his personal, private original jar of initial mayonnaise... It was a nice jar. It was something, right? He had a lot. He didn't do too bad ...But he didn't feel special. Which is what that extra jar of mayonnaise was going to make him feel.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Tongue Trouble

Jimmy Dimmy was hungry and he talked too much then he ate his tongue and he was full, because he was skinny and didn't need to eat a big meal, his tongue was enough of a meal. Then his tongue started flapping it's mouth in his belly and then his belly digested the whole sucker up so it couldn't talk no more.

"Mmmph mmoh mmph mphhmphhmphh!" said his tongue in his belly before it got digested. Then it got totally digested.
"Aw too bad." thought Jimmy Dimmy, "I can't talk no more."
"Oh well guess I don't get to talk mo more." thought Jimmy again.
"It was a good tender meal at least." thought Jimmy some more.

Then one day he was walking down the street without talking, because he couldn't talk, and he was just thinking a bunch.

"Lemonade is a nice thing to drink, it's sweet and tart and refreshing. Man I wish I could drink some lemonade." he thought to himself.

Jerry Knowitall walked by.

"Hey Jerry, know where I can find the best lemonade?" asked Jimmy Dimmy.
"Yeah, go to Denny's Lemonade Hut, it's got the best." said Jerry Knowitall.
"Thanks!" said Jimmy Dimmy and he kept walking down the street. But then he stopped.
"What the shit!?" he said.

Then Jimmy Dimmy ran inside the hot dog joint he was passing by and went into the bathroom to look in the mirror and open his mouth and look at it. His tongue had grown back!

"Oh wow oh brother oh shit oh shamrock!" said Jimmy Dimmy.
"I didn't know it could grow back!" said Jimmy Dimmy again.

But it did. Tongues grow back sometimes. But this new tongue was evil and caused Jimmy to say bad things sometimes. Like "You're stupid!" and "Nice tits!"

Thursday, June 18, 2015

The Dumb Stink Place Suckhouse

Granker was a stinky guy and he smelled funny and everyone was like oh no what a stink Granker has!

"Hey I don't stink so bad!" said Granker. "I think I smell good!" said Granker.
"Hey I'm Donald good smell." said Donald Good Smell.
"You think you smell so great?  You don't!" said Granker.
"I do!"
"No no, I'm an expert on smells."
"Well you can go to hell."
"You wanna fight? I got big muscles."
"Uh oh this is getting out of hand."

Then Petunia the sweetie showed up to make everything sweet.

"Hey I'm Petunia the Sweetie and everyone knows me to be nice."
"I'm Grumpy Grouger." said Grumpy.
"Uh oh he's Grumpy he's gonna get us with his Grumpness."
"Hey I'm mean." said Grumpy.
"I like nice." said Petunia.
"I'm mean." said Grumpy.

Then Grumpy and Petunia got in a fight and Grumpy killed Petunia. And Petunia started to rot and stink a lot. Then Granker came up and was like "Hey Petunia we stink a lot, just like each other. Don't we have so much in common? Like stinking?" said Granker.

Then Petunia grew years older and got sad and old.

"I miss the good times we had together." said Granker. But Petunia was actually dead the whole time.
"Years have gone by and now I'm the stinky one. How funny how things changes with time." said Donald Good Smell, who was now Donald Stink Smell.
"I'm stinky." said Donald Stink Smell.

Then terrorists came and bombed the whole town they all lived in. And they died. The End.

The Flavor Fellow

Sugar Man was so sweet. He was made of sugar.

"Hey lady can I help you with your groceries?" said Sugar Man to the old lady.
"Aw you are so sweet, Sugar Man." said the old lady.
"You want to lick me too?" said Sugar Man.
"Yes I do." said the old lady.

Then the old lady licked him. He didn't actually expect her to. He was making a joke. She took it as a literal offer.

"Mmmm," said the old lady. "You're so sweet."
"Uh, thank you."

Then everyone wanted to lick Sugar Man.

"Hey lemme get a little lick!" said people.
"Ew people have got to stop licking me!" said Sugar Man.
"Even me?" said Salt Lady.
"Salt Lady?" said Sugar Man.

Salt Lady was a lady made of salt. Sugar Man had the hots for her but could never seem to say the right thing around her. Because everyone was getting those licks in on Sugar Man, word had gotten around to Salt Lady that he was someone to see. She always had a mild interest in him. But not a spicy one.

"That's right it's me." said Salt Lady, "Think I could get a lick?"
"I hear we'd make a great mix." said Sugar Man
"Ehh, more of an acquired taste, I'd say." said Salt Lady.
"Ooh you're salty, lady." said Sugar Man.
"You better watch your mouth. It true though." said Salt Lady, with a wink.
"We have good chemistry." said Sugar Man
"Literally!" said Salt Lady.
"Hey babe are we gonna have kettle corn babies or what?" said Sugar Man.
"As long as I don't wind up your little flavor of the month!"
"Don't break my cubes, I won't crack your rocks, how's that sound?" said Sugar Man.
"I have a peppered past, but I'm not bitter!"

Then Salt Lady and Sugar Man went home and licked each other a bunch.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Bright Blackmail in Pamperina's Lair

"Brush my hair and make me look pretty." said Pamperina.
"No I'm sick of it." said Gulper.
"But you're my hair stylist." said Pamperina.
"I've had enough!" said Gulper.

Pamperina didn't know what to do. She was so used to being pampered. She wandered the streets panicked, unable to recover.

"Someone... someone make me look pretty!" she said, melting down.
"No one can make a crud pipe like you look pretty." said Scuzz the Street Trash.
"Aw no that's all I have ever wanted to be was pretty." said Pamperina.
"I think you're cruddy as can be." said Funky Rubbles.

Then a voice came into Pamperina's brain.

"Pamperina! This is Lightning Man. You are a grossie and the grossie part of you starts on the inside. Everything else is secondy grossinesss." said Lightning Man in Pamperina's brain.

Lightning Man had the power to pull human strings al the time, but he still managed to be cool to the kids. Some of them wore Lightning Man drawings on their t-shirts.

"I like to wrap my oiled body in saran wrap." said Lightning Man privately to himself. A few hours went by and Lightning Man danced around a bit.
"What?" said Pamperina.
"Huh?" said Lightning Man.
"I heard you say a thing about your body."
"Oh no I meant to say that to myself in my head, not to you!" said Lightning Man.
"You are kooky and that's bad to be kooky."
"Thank you, I didn't mean to send you that message beforehand."
"It's okay we are all human."
"Looks like no place to go but up!" said Lightning Man, as he felt pretty down. "But listen, my sister and me liked your hair."
"Now that I know your saran wrap secret you have to make me like pretty and stuff." said Pamperina.
"Okay fine I will."

Then Pamperina played tricks on Lightning Man an no one cared.
"Now you have to make me pretty. I know your secrets! Ha ha ha!" said Pamperina again.
"Oh this is a bum deal." said Lightning Man.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Eggbert's Embarrassment

Jumjum had big ears and she heard what everyone was saying. Eggbert was talking about Jumjum and Jumjum could hear Eggbert. Eggbert was saying stuff like "Jumjum sure has big ears, but don't tell her I said so." said Eggbert. But joke's on Eggbert because "I heard you say that Eggbert and now I think you're a jerk." said Jumjum. "Oh no this is the worst day I am embarrassed and feel bad." said Eggbert. "That's the way the cookie crumbles, Eggbert. You were trying to bond with others by insulting me, but guess what now you just look embarrassed." said Jumjum.

Embarrassment didn't feel good to Eggbert. "Oh no my cheeks are red, no one look at them and no one look in my eyes. It's embarrassing." said Eggbert.

Mumpus walked up and looked right in Eggbert's eyes. "Hey I can see into your soul." said Mumpus to Eggbert. Eggbert's embarrassed expression was a window to his true soul. "That's right. I'm looking right at it," continued Mumpus, "and I've got to say it's... it's... it's...." Mumpus was scared, "...it's... scary!!!"

Just then Eggbert's poorly contained evil soul leapt out of Eggbert's eyes and bit Mumpus's nose off. Mumpus squirted spurts of blood out of his nose. Mumpus screamed. "Aghhhhhhhhhh!!!!"

Eggbert's soul went back inside his body and retained itself in Eggbert's lifeforce. Eggbert's embarrassment opened the gates to the evil demon that came out when he was embarrassed. Eggbert felt strangely composed afterwards though. Perhaps unleashing this embarrassment demon was cathartic for Eggbert.

Meanwhile Mumpus ran around screaming, blood spritzing from his face. His butt was also sticking out and it made him look extra silly.

"You're a monster!" said Mumpus, while running around.
"Hmmph..." thought Eggbert.
"You should be ashamed of yourself!" screamed Mumpus.

Eggbert thought to himself. He looked down to the ground, as if he was ashamed. But then he quietly mumbled to himself, "I'm not."

"I heard that." said Jumjum.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Cranky Franky and Fresh Face Frankie

Fresh Face Frankie was eager to please. He got a job working for Cranky Franky.

"Can I get you a bib, Cranky Franky?" said Fresh Face Frankie.
"No get me a bathtub full of BBQ sauce. Now!" said Cranky Franky.

Fresh Face Frankie went to the popular BBQ spot Heave's BBQ Joint.
"Hi I work for Cranky Franky and he's requesting a lot of BBQ sauce." said Fresh Face Frankie.

Heave looked at Frankie and heaved.
"How much you need?" said Heave.
"A big big bucket's worth and 5 more buckets." said Fresh Face Frankie.

Heave tugged up a bunch of buckets and heaved into them. They were heavy.
"Thanks." said Frankie.

Frankie returned with the BBQ sauce.
"Great now bathe me in it." said Cranky Franky.

Fresh Face Frankie was a little anxious about doing this. He didn't want to, but he was so fresh faced.
"Remove me from my tutu." said Cranky Franky.
"You don't want to bathe in your tutu?" said Fresh Face Frankie.
"Not today. I want you to give me a good scrubbing."

Fresh Face Frankie scrubbed Cranky Franky's bumpy back in the BBQ tub with a BBQ loofa.
"Ooh more. You're not doing enough. I want more. More!" said Cranky Franky.

Fresh Face Frankie had about enough. He threw the loofa in the tub and stood.
"I think you've had enough. I don't like doing this and your needs are hard to meet and you're just too Cranky!" said Fresh Face Frankie, then he left.

Cranky Franky sat in this BBQ tub for a minute.
"Well I guess he's not so fresh faced no more." said Cranky Franky.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Li the Master

Li the Kung Fu Master was an untouchable force. He could float with the wind. He could balance on a feather. He could best a gaggle of men. He could bring his force through a structure. His physical concentration was unmatched.

"Please teach me, Li." said student. Li taught. Student learned. One day Li had to do his taxes.

"Oh fuck. This is hard." said Li.

Li called the IRS because he needed a transcript of the jobs he worked. Because Li was used to working multiple odd jobs and living check to check. He didn't really keep track of where he worked. So the checks came from many different places.

"I'm so frustrated." said Li, to the automated system. Then he hung up. "Fuck this." he said.

Then he went on about his business being a Kung Fu Master. For like a year. He never consulted an accountant. He just kept paying his rent. Notifications piled up that he needed to take care of stuff.

Then one day five guys from the IRS came to Li's door. He kicked one, swept one, punch another, flipped another and death stared another. Then he didn't have to pay taxes. He didn't have a ton of money anyway.

"Phew that was lucky of me." said Li.
"Oooh we are in such pain." said the IRS bad guys.
"Shut up or I'll do worse ha ha." said Li.
"Hey turns out you're mean." said the hurting IRS guys.
"The power I yield feels good." said Li.

Then the lights went out.
"Oh no, I forgot to pay the electric. It's so hard. I can't figure out how to take care of that!" said Li. Then his Kung Fu rivals showed up and fought him in the dark. Li beat them. He ran outside because they were after him, all of them. He hoped in his car, started it up and prepared to hit the road. His car wouldn't move. He looked at his tires. There was a boot on his car.

"Fuck. I got to take care of those tickets." said Li.

Then Li called his mom and asked what to do.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Pugger's Brooding Darkness

Pugger was soooo cool. He was the coolest. He was like Mr. Cool.

"Whoa Pugger I love you and everything about you. Your boots, your black jacket, your boney knuckles, your gruffy and soothing singing voice, and your head." said Pugger fanatic #1.
"Hey, hey, cool. Glad you dig the head." said Pugger.

Pugger had a cool head. He shaved it and it made him look extra tough. And cool. It complemented everything else that was cool about it. The shaved bald head tied it all together.

"Pugger I wanna jump ya, honey!" said Tanya the Vixen.
"I'll check my sched, babe." said Pugger as he walked past Tanya.

The early evening moonlight glistened off his bald shaved head and everyone shivered over how cool he looked. Maybe it was just his bone structure or cheeks. All the sudden, Pugger spun around toward the people he had just passed by and did a cool finger pointing gesture as he landed. It was real cool.

"Holy sugar cubes!" said Betty the Scragglehead.
"Oh my meat feet!!" said Gertrude the Prude.
"Gimme gimme some of that shimmy!" said Judith the Brutith.
"Honk honk honey money!" said Pugger fanatic #2.

Pugger kept walkin'. He passed a mysterious bush and got a bad feeling from it.

"Psst. Pugger." said a somethin'.
"Huh?" said Pugger. Man he looked handsome and cool.
"Psst... Pugger. Here. Guess what?"
"Huh? What?" said Pugger out into the open. The voice was coming from behind the mysterious bush.

"Pugger... Guess what... already!" said the whisper voice.
"What?!" said Pugger.
"You know how you have that cool bald shaved head?"
"Yeah. So, what about it? Why you bring it up?"
"Everyone loves it don't they?"
"They do."
"And you like how everyone loves it, right?"
"Yah. I do."
"People find it effortless on your end. Makes you out to be kind of a hero."
"What's your point buddy?"
"Be a shame if someone somehow thought maybe that wasn't totally who you are."
"Who are you?" said Pugger, getting a little nervous.
"If you must know, I'm a person from you past... who happens to remember something."
"What?!" said Pugger, "Quit playing games!"
"...A fella who happens to remember... when you had a haircut... And the haircut... was dorky!"
"Who are you?" I'm through playing games!" shouted Pugger.

Jim the Goof walked by, "Hey Pugger, everything okay here?"
"Sure yeah of course of course just thinking of candy and shouting a thing." said Pugger.

Jim walked off. Pugger didn't want anyone to know that he once had a dork lookin' haircut. This was a desperate moment. Pugger walked into the bush and found the guy who was threatening him. Then he murdered him and no one knew about it and "Phew" everything was okay and he stayed the guy they thought of as Mr. Cool.

Friday, June 12, 2015

The Con Boys Get Gake

The Con Boys were trouble. They knew how to pull a good trick on someone to get what they wanted.

Judy and Ted were getting married they were nice suckers. The Con Boys saw what a fancy gake they had being carted into their wedding reception ballroom. They wanted it. They hatched a plan. Giff the Con Boy would play a groom. Smed the other Con Boy would play a bride. They stood in a spot where Judy and Ted were sure to walk by, dressed as alternate bride and groom, and so the con began.

"Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo." said Smed the Bride-a-like.
"Oh please honey no." said Giff.
"Oh boo hoo hoo!" sobbed Smed loudly.

Judy and Ted were concerned.

"Lord, it seems the night will be ruined, I guess that's how we'll begin our journey of life together. With a ruined night. Thanks Lord, hope our marriage isn't always this way." said Giff.

Ted decided to say something. 

"You seem awfully upset. Is there something wrong?" said Ted.
"Oh it's nothing. Boo hoo hoo," said Smed, "just that our wedding gake got rained on and thrown away and a raccoon took it."
"Now we have no wedding gake." said Giff
"But we'll deal with what life has dealt us boo hoo hoo." said Smed.

Judy and Ted looked at each other. They knew they had to do the right thing.
"You know what? You can have half of our wedding gake."

Giff and Smed played the "oh no, we can't" routine for a few then "graciously" accepted the offer. Con achieved. They got some of that wedding gake.

They ate gake and partied at the wedding. In the end it wasn't a very good con though. The effort put into obtaining a wedding dress, tux, and making Smed appear like a bride, was more expensive than dressing like a wedding guest and just taking some wedding gake.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

The Jimpart

Jim grew an extra body part. It was on his body and sticking out funny. It made his clothes not look right. It threw off his balance when he walked. It had a joint in it and he was able to make it bend slightly. But it had no practical purpose. It was 98% an inconvenience.

"Ew." said people quietly to themselves, if they'd get a glimpse at it.
"Did I catch this from doing something I shouldn't have done?" said Jim to himself.
"Does anyone else have this body part?" he'd think to himself.

No one did. It was an entirely new body part and it didn't even have a name. Jim went to the library to do some research.

"Where are the medical books?" said Jim.
"Over there." said the librarian's assistant, pointing toward a section of books.
"Before you go, what are you looking for there? Out of curiosity. I know it's none of my business I just like to ask questions sometimes, you know? This library gets very lonely. God, I am so lonely. I feel like talking really loudly sometimes too. I-I-I-I... can't think of anything else to say, please start talking before I keep going--"
"I'm looking for the body part books."
"Like anatomy?" said the librarian's assistant.
"Like a body part book." said Jim.
"Oh, you actually want to go that way." said the librarian's assistant, point in the opposite direction.

Jim walked toward the section of books. On his way there his new body part grazed and whacked multiple people he was passing by on accident. He knocked over a guy's stack of papers.

"Hey watch it pal!" said the guy.

Jim went and browsed all the body part books he could find. He definitely didn't find any info about this new body part. He was scared for all the reasons he would be. He figured it wasn't cancer because you can't wiggle cancer, but then maybe you can wiggle cancer and he didn't know about it, he thought. So he went to the doctor and said "Doc take this new body part off!"
"Okie doke." said the doc.
"But first, tell me what it's called."
"Hmm... never seen it before. It must be a new part. I'm a descendant of a lotta doctors and my grand x 200-grandfather was the first guy to see the elbow." said the doctor, whose name was Dr. Schmelbow.
"Oh." said Jim.
"We could name it." said the doc.
"How bout The Belbow." said Dr. Belbow.
"Ehh.." said Jim.
"Okay, okay, no prob. How abouuut... Jimpart?"
"That's kinda cool." said Jim.
"Okay let's take this sucker off." said Dr. Belbow.

Then Dr. Belbow did surgery and removed the Jimpart.

"Now I kind of miss it." said Jim.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Rob Dob Date

Rob Dob had a hook for a hand because he had no hand on one hand, but the cheapest hook he could find, cuz he was a penny pincher, though he couldn't pinch pennies with his handless hand, was a coat hook so his hand was on the wall. When he wasn't at home standing by the door raising his hook hand to the wall, he was walking around holding coats.

One time he went on date and ate a date on the date.

"Mmm this is a sweet date." said Rob.
"I think it's a sweet too." said the date.
"Holy cow the date just talked!" said Rob's Date.
"Wait, I'm confused." said Rob.
"Okay dummy, you're eatin' dates on this date and I'm a date and I taste sweet and I'm something to eat, and also the date is a sweet date, meaning you're having a good time." said the date.
"Holy cow the date just explained what was confusing!" said Rob's Date.
"Now sweet eat me!" said the date.

Rob and Rob's Date ate the sweet talking date. They talked a lot on the date. They had a lot to talk about. They really connected, Rob and Rob's Date.

"...and another thing. I really like eating these dates. You could say I'm hooked." said Rob's Date.
"I'm hooked too!" said Rob, lifting his hook and making a hook joke.

Rob's Date didn't get it, because he had a coat on his hook hand so it looked like he was holding up a coat. Rob took the coat off the hook and said,
"Look I got a hook!"
"That's a coat rack." said Rob's Date.
"No it's a coat hook." said Rob, "Hey nice rack." said Rob about Rob's Date's boobs.
"Hey that's rude, my eyes are up here." said Rob's Date.
"Hey sorry, I'm drunk." said Rob looking away.
"Look me in the eyes and say sorry."

Rob's Date had a glass eye so Rob couldn't look at both of the eyes and say sorry. She also couldn't afford a real glass eye, so she had to have a glass eye made out of window and her eyelids were shutters, and they were squeaky so every time she blinked her face creaked.

Rob's Date lost her left eye because someone punched her in the eye. Rob lost his hand because someone shot lasers out their left eye at it. So they were both very comfortable feeling with each other. The End.

Ralph Balf

Ralph Balf slipped on his rubber pants and took a seat on his marshmallow couch. He was ready to watch his teleshow programs, so he grabbed his demote control and slapped on his cat fur sleeping mask, because he felt it healthy to deprive himself of what he desired, and he liked the feeling of being allergic. In fact, he paid high price Hanukah dollar to a shady rug dealer for some sweet street stash of pollen dander baggies to dangle before heavyset socialite daughters at pie society events. "I'll give you some of this if you give me some of that."

"I got an itch for an itch!" said Ralph Balf to the discreet dealer, who was standing on the street corner suckin' on a rolled up cold cut between two fingers and blowin' out puffs of cracked black peppercorn dust. "I'm lookin' to score!" Ralph continued. The negotiations began.

"What score?" said our baloney bad boy.
"A high score." said Ralph Balf
"What game?"
"Golf." said Ralph.
"Hey man, that's a low score."
"Fine, soccer."
"Alright, now we're talkin'."
"Could you gimme the goods, pretty sneeze?!"
"Okay pay the sniper."
"These coins are made of choco." said Ralph Balf,
"Sweet!" said the dander dealer, as he stuck out his hand transplant.

Ralph Balf dropped his melted choco coins in it. Across town, No Hand Dan said "Hey that's sticky."
"They melted." said Ralph.
"Even better." said the sneeze dealer, as he smeared the choco change on his fat cheeks into porkchocolate sideburn configurations.
"I'm Fondue Elvis." he said.

Anyway, your digress is as good as mine, let me return to the top, can I get a receipt? As I was spraying, he dewatched his flavorite programs on cello vision, but thought they lacked violin.

Suddenly it was daily workout time. He leapt up, set his couch on fire, put on his grocery bag shoes, tied his spaghetti laces, they broke off he ate 'em, took a swig of marinara mouthwash, and put out the couch.

"I don't deserve these nice things." he mumbled quietly to himself.

Ralph hopped into his leaf blower engined automobile, rolled down the dough paved driveway, and submerged into the Nascar lane. He got violently fender bendered in a four car smile up. He walked away with a few scratch and sniffs and a couple of extra teeth, but he had bass and treble speaking when he exercised at the community cranberry juice swimming pool and went for a memory jog on the urinary race track inflection, so no one understood what he was saying. But they kind of did in an emotional sort of way, because the words weren't what mattered as much as the feeling, which was bumpy, lumpy, sandy, dandy, and peach, but Ralph didn't speak braille so he couldn't understand his feelings.

Monday, June 8, 2015

The Giving Rickians

Selfish Dave said to Giving Rick "Hey can I borrow your shoelaces, mine are kinda tight."
"Oh certainly." said Giving Rick.

Selfish Dave loosened up his shoelaces so he could take off his shoes and lace them with Giving Rick's shoelaces. Giving Rick gave Dave his laces. Dave laced his shoes with the new laces. He tugged 'em nice and snug.

"Oh great, now these are too tight too!" said Selfish Dave.
"Oh I'm so sorry. What next may I do to help?" said Giving Rick.
"Buy all this life insurance from me." said Selfish Dave.
"Okay I will do that." said Giving Rick.

Then Selfish Dave knew he was in the money so he said "Heh heh heh, good!"

So Giving Rick went and bought all the insurance and then he accidentally got run over by a tractor and died. It was an accident and because the world was Giving Rick's family that meant that Selfish Dave had to give everyone money and he was pissed.

"Oh no my life is ruined this ain't no fair." said Selfish Dave.
"Ha ha ha, now we get the money!" said everyone else.
"Yay! Ha ha I'm happy and laughing about my good fortune! Thanks to Giving Rick for dying for us!" said others.
"All hail Giving Rick!" said them again.
"Oh no this stinks!" said Selfish Dave.

Selfish Dave had to pay everyone ever the money forever. But then Selfish Dave went and found a tiny piece of language in his insurance papers that said he didn't have to because this technicality said giving stuff was cheating on Giving Rick's end.

"Hey everyone, I found a piece of thing that says it's all a mistake and I get the money back!" said Selfish Dave.

Then everyone was mad and said "You're a liar, you besmirch the name of Giving Rick!"
"Yeah you're a demon now!" said everyone else.
"Uh oh." said Selfish Dave.
"Yeah you're in big trouble now." said everyone.

Then they burned Selfish Dave and he became Giving Rick's devil guy in all the literature about what a good guy Giving Rick was. Selfish Dave was the bad guy for life. And then a war started because people wouldn't keep giving to everyone in the way that it said Giving Rick did in this book someone wrote about him.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

The Robot Store

Welcome curious reader. Come with me to a glimpse into the future. Close your eyes and then open them and you'll be taken to a future world with different systems than we have today.

I bring you to Peppy. Peppy is a man who has very big and puffy cheeks, beady eyes, a circle of hair on his head, his pants hiked up well above his hips, to show the lumpy bumpy area of his privates. And also each toe has it's own shoe. This is the most sought after form of handsome. That is the fashion of tomorrow.

Peppy wanted to buy some neat cool stuff for his good son to think was cool. He went to the robot store because sons liked robots.

"Hi I would like some neat robots please." said Peppy.
"What kind of neat robot are you thinking of in your mind?" said store clerk.
"Well I think I wanted the type that my son would look at and think is cool."
"Okay you want a cool robot." said store clerk.
"Okay that sounds great."
"We are out of those." said store clerk.
"When will you get more?"
"In one minute."
"Sigh, okay I will wait."

A whole minute later the cool robot showed up.

"Hello I am ready to go be looked at." said the cool robot.
"Great, I'm exhausted from the wait, I'm going to need a comforting nap when I get home." said Peppy.
"Are you ready to pay for me so I can be your property?" said the cool robot.
"I am." said Peppy.
"That will be four donuts." said store clerk.
"Do you take chocolate covered?" asked Peppy.
"Yes." said store clerk.

Peppy paid four donuts to the store clerk and the store clerk ate them all. Peppy's son enjoyed his look at the cool robot and was selfish so he would not invite his friends over to look at the cool robot too.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

The Slightly Alarmed Fellow

Gaylord barfed up blood and he was like "Uh oh is that bad?" Then he had to pee and he pissed up blood. "Wuh-oh is that okay?" he said. Then he sat down on the toilet and shit up blood. Then he breathed in his heavy pollen and sneezed blood speckles on his white wall.

He tried to clean up the bloody sneeze speckles but he had shitblood, pissblood, and pukeblood speckled all over himself so he got more on the wall. Then he was sad because he loved that white wall so he cried blood.

Then he was more worried about all the blood and stuff so he went to the doctor, Dr. Potso.

"I noticed there's a little blood in my stool, snot, sneeze, pee, emesis, and tears." said Gaylord.
"Been there done that." said the doctor, Dr. Potso.

Gaylord didn't feel like the doctor was very helpful. He seemed like a very busy doctor. So he went to a different doctor, Dr Blister.

"Doctor, I'm bleading in the places that are bad to bleed from."
"You spelled bleading wrong." said Dr. Blister.
"How can you tell I spelled it wrong, I said it, not wrote." said Gaylord.
"I could just tell by the way you said it that you were saying the misspelled version." said Dr. Blister.

Gaylord thought he'd get another opinion about his condition. He went to Dr. Bacon.

"Doctor Bacon, I'm bleeding from my snot and piss and shit and tears and hair and skin and gums and places."
"Hmm, sounds like indigestion. Want a lolly pop?" said Dr. Bacon.
"Yes." said Gaylord.

Gaylord was at peace with this diagnosis. Then another Doctor, Dr. Goo-Goo, ran up to Gaylord.
"Gaylord, wait, stop! I heard about those symptoms you described and I don't think it's indigestion!"
"Actually, Dr. Goo-Goo, you're wrong. See, it is indigestion. Because you're liking in an alternate dimension where those are the symptoms of indigestion. Pretty freaky riiiight?" said Gaylord.

Then Dr. Goo-Goo gasped, tugged at his hair, ran in circles and screamed "help!" and "noooo" and "someone get me out of here!"

Friday, June 5, 2015

Bad Breath Brad

Bad Breath Brad walked into the closet where Happy Harry was hanging out. Happy Harry was reading a book about cooking. Happy Harry was in a bad mood.

Bad Breath Brad took a deep breath and exhaled a salutary sentence toward the ceiling.
"Hiiiiii Happyy Haarry!" said Bad Breath Brad.

It was fortunate he said it toward the ceiling, that way Happy Harry did not have to have Bad Breath Brad's bad breath aimed at his face.

"Hi Bad Breath Brad." said Happy Harry, with his face in his book.
"How is that book?" said Brad, still untentionally aiming his h sounds at the ceiling.
"Good, it's about cooking."

Bad Breath Brad took his shirt off.

"It's getting hot so I figured I'd air my body out." said Bad Breath Brad. Then he wafted his armpits all over the place. Happy Harry kept reading. "Anyway, I love eating." Happy Harry nodded. He was holding his breath, scared to breath Bad Breath Brad's fumes in. It was so stinky!

"I like things with whole lots of flavor. Don't hyou?" said Bad Breath Brad.
"Mmhm." said Happy Harry, who sure was not Happy.
"Let me tell you some of my favorite tasting things, most of which I just hhhad." said Bad Breath Brad.

Happy Harry snuck a mouthful of air into his face and waited for Bad Bread Brad to burn through his food list. Bad Breath Brad took a deep breath and exhaled the names of his favorite foods.

"Hi like garlic, anchovies, sardines, limburger cheese, fritos, peanut butter, durian, ofal, gym socks, salt!" said Bad Breath Brad, "Can you make any foods with those foods in 'em for me to eat?!"

Happy Harry's face was getting blue from holding his breath. He finally took a new breath. He looked mad.

"Hey Bad Breath Brad?" said Happy Harry.
"Yeah?" said Bad Breath Brad.
"Has anyone ever told you you have very stinky breath?" said Happy Harry.
"Why no, do I?"
"Oh my gosh, how embarrassing!" said Bad Breath Brad.

Then Bad Breath Brad ate some deodorant.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Scary Beach

Lily and Pili were at the beach.

"Isn't it so lovely here?" said Lily.
"I'm scared we should go." said Pili
"What are you scared of?" asked Lily.
"Sharks!" said Pili.
"Sharks don't come get us here!" said Lily.

Then a shark ran out of the water on two of it's four legs that sharks have. The shark stuck out it's two front arms in a grabbing motion.

"I'm gonna get you and eat you!" said the shark.
"Oh god look out Pili!" said Lily.

Lily shoved Pili out of the way and the shark went for Lily. Lily laid on the ground in the sand and started kicking her legs up like she used to do as a kid when her big brother would chase her. It worked and the shark ran away. But he spotted Hans the Belgian Surfer Dude. Hans was hangin' in the sun catching rays.

"Hans run!" said Lily.
"What you are-is to-saying to me? Why as I should run? Am is just hang-outing in der sand catching ray for my great-bod. Chick are love it!" said Hans the Belgian Surfer Dude.

The shark ran up to Hans, who was lying on the sand ground.

"I'm gonna get you instead!" said the shark.

Hans started kicking defensively like Lily did but his legs were thicker and heavier and couldn't move as fast as Lily's. The shark ate off one of Hans' legs.

"Ouch-to-me!!" screamed Hans.

The shark got Hans' big leg lodged in his throat, he yanked it out and charged the beach boardwalk hot dog stand and raided the buns to put the leg in the bun like a big leg hot dog. Then he took a bite out of a car and ate a bunch of plastic from the trashcan and died on the beach in the sand like his dad.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Rough Workout

Pumper pumped his muscles up real hard. They got real big. He was at the gym.

"Whoa you got big muscle." said Dumper.
"Kiss em!" said Pumper.

Then Pumper did more reps and his muscles got even bigger. Then Pumper ate 10 donuts and his belly blew out. Then Pumper tried to put on his pants and they didn't fit. Then he squeezed and tugged really hard to try to button the top button around his blown out belly.

"Ooh this is hard." said Pumper.
"Flex your big muscles to try to reach the button to the hole better!" said Dumper.

Pumper did and the back of his pants ripped showing his butt and his muscles ripped this sleeves. Fashionista Debbie walked up.

"I like what I see!" said Fashionista Debbie.
"Who me?" said Pumper.
"Who does you?" said Debbie.
"What do you mean?"
"Your style your look. Who put these tears in your clothes. I love it." said Fashionista Debbie.
"I guess I'm my own personal stylist... I did it by pumping up my muscles real good." said Pumper.
"Ah. Well I love it." said Fashionista Debbie.

Then Fashionista Debbie walked off. Pumper thought for a second she was gonna offer him something. Like a fashion deal or recording contract. But he only got the compliment. Which he was happy to take.

"Well.. I guess I just dress like this now." said Pumper.

Then he went to a burger stand and sat on a stool but his butt was hanging out and a guy was like "Hey pal put your butt away!"

Tuesday, June 2, 2015


Boner-occhio was a dood who lied all the time and when he lied he got a big boner.

"Hey I'm good at playing football everyone I'm the best!" said Brad.

Boner-occhio wanted Brad and all his cool friends to like him. Brad was the leader of the social scene in the small town they lived in. If you got in good with Brad you got in good with everyone. Brad knew some handsome guys and pretty girls, if that was your thing. Nevertheless he was a hot commodity.

"I'm great at football!" said Boner-occhio.

Boner-occhio was bad at football though. It was a lie to try to impress Brad. Boner-occhio got a big boner after saying that. He was wearing sweatpants too so his boner was real noticeable.

"Hey this guy Boner-occhio has a boner!" said Chase, Brad's bro.
"Uh oh." thought Boner-occhio. He was scared he'd get in trouble now.
"It's not a boner!" said Boner-occhio, to try to save face. But then his boner grew even bigger because he was lying.
"We don't like boners around here!" said Brad and his crew.

Secretly Pamela disagreed. She did like boners, but she was too embarrassed to say something. Same with Heinrich. Brad called the cops and they took Boner-occhio away to jail for having a noticeable big boner. Boner-occhio tried to give the cops a fake name so he might avoid having this incident on his record but that only caused his boner to grow more.

Boner-occhio explained to the cops that sometimes a boner happens and you either don't notice or can't help it. Michael the cop was understanding.

"Hey Boner-occhio, I agree with you. Listen I'm gonna let you off with a slap on the boner, but if it happens again and I see this is something you have a habit of having happen then you're gonna be in trouble. So keep an eye on your boner." said Michael the cop.

Boner-occhio one day found his way to a Big Boner Club where they were into that sort of a thing and he lied to all of them and they loved and appreciated it. He became president of the Big Boner Club and they sponsored some community events and their football team beat Brad's.