Monday, August 31, 2015

Baby Captain Diaperman Sails the Sea

Baby Captain Diaperman was the brave leader of the ship that sailed the sea. He started sailing the sea one day and the sea was his to take.

"I'll just sail a little of the sea." said Baby Captain Diaperman.
"I'm not so hard." said the sea.
"Good job sailing." said the crew.
"Gee this wasn't so hard." said Baby Captain Diaperman.

Captain Diaperman thought he'd sail a little bit more.

"It's kind of fun." said the crew.
"I'm getting good at this." said Captain Diaperman.

So he sailed more and more. For a while. Then the sea got deep. The waves got rough. The rain rained hard. Pee-Wee Tinkletips drowned. He was the eager swabber, who you'll never get to know about.

"I miss Pee-Wee." said Stoogey Dooter, the fourth mate.
"It's your fault he's gone Captain." said Juggso, the ship drunk.
"I'm doing the best I can!" said Baby Captain Diaperman.

Then he shoved Juggso overboard and Juggso got kissed by a mythical sex water creature then eaten by a mythical whale. What a whale to go. But he's another fella you won't get to know better.

All Baby Diaperman had to do was get to the end of the sea. His crew was turning on him. One by one he stabbed the crew, or pushed them overboard or they kissed his butt to save themselves, he also defended himself from mutiny. He was actually a pretty good captain, but he thought he sucked because some days the sea was hard and no one on his crew seemed to be interested in the work he'd put in to become captain.

"I heard his dad and mom were captains so that's why." said Noodles, who liked to gossip. It wasn't true, though, just to let you know.

One day Baby Captain Diaperman woke up and his whole crew was gone. Were they eaten? Did they take a getaway boat? Had he killed them all? Were they ever there to begin with? They were, don't worry. But that was certainly a thought that went through Diaperman's head. You think of crazy things while at sea and the loneliness was getting to him.

"I should give up." said he said.
"No you're so close to the end of the sea." said the sea.
"But so what?" whined Baby Captain Diaperman.
"No wonder they call you Baby." said the sea.

That's right, the future dictated his nickname.

"Anyway I'm gonna quit." he said.
"Don't you wanna find out what's at the end?"
"No."
"It's just a little bit more."
"Ahhh okay..." moped the big Baby Captain.

Baby Captain Diaperman got his hopes up about what was at the end. And at the end was a reflection of himself. And at the end of that were expectations. And at the end them was a new beginning. And at the end of that was a journey. And at the end of that was an anticlimax.

Your Mom

Hey what's up? I was talking to your mom and she was like "Oh please let me come over and put my finger up your butt!" and I was like "No way, get out of my face lady."

Then I went and met my friend Carl and Carl was having some trouble showing some emotion, that's why his wife Kkukyudilya left him. Because Kkukyudilya stayed married to the fool for five years and he wouldn't show any emotion and was too busy trying to look cool.

"Are you sad?" I asked him.
"Naw." said Carl with a stiff face and dead eyes. But he was clearly concealing his pain from being unable to show emotion.
"Why can't you show emotion, Carl?" I shouted at him. Because I care.

Then Carl's brother Hershel walked in.
"I'll tell you why he can't show emotion. It's because of our mother. Our MOTHER damnit!" said Hershel. Then Hershel started crying.
"What!? Well why are you so emotional right now?" I asked.
"Because I went to therapy and talked about my mother."
Carl just held still and stayed tough. "Mom's cool." he said.

Now this a very funny coincidence because, remember how I was talking about your mom? Well it's funny because Carl and Hershel's mom is good friends with your mom. And I went home after I was at Carl's and your mom had broken into my house and stripped down to her underwear, thrown about 4 sticks of butter in her panties because she said "butter makes things better" and she stomped on the kitchen floor demanding I let her put her finger in my butt. She said it was the only way she could get any satisfaction.

So what choice did I have? You're my friend and I didn't wanna be disrespectful to your mom. So I said "Okay fine." So I stood there and your mom got on all fours and crawled over toward me, simultaneously greasing my floor with butter, which I was going to have to pay a Ukrainian hitman with a very reasonably priced cleaning service to come over and wipe up. Side note, he give you discounts if you give referrals. So your mom is crawling toward me with her butter knees and she pulls down my pants and puts butter all over my butt then put her finger in it. It was a little annoying because I had to watch my favorite show called The News. But Chet Fussburg my favorite anchor was on leave and Tip Lochendale was filling in for him. So my first thought was that it wasn't going to be a good episode, but before it started your mom took her finger out of my butt, stood up and said "Thank you." then walked out the door.

So she was gone and I forgot to pull my pants up until the mailman came over and was like "Hey is that the new style?" and I was like "Huh, what? Oh. No, my friend's mom came over and pulled them down and put her finger in my butt." and he was like "Oh cool, here's your mail."

Then I turned on The News and before my very eyes was Tip Lochendale doing a news story about your mom putting her finger in my butt, except they didn't even say my name even though I'm half the story. And I was like "Hey! I didn't know she was gonna go tell the news about this!"

She was just using me to find a reason to have something interesting to talk to the news about. What an attention whore. I never confronted her about it, but I did feel kind of used. Then I got over it.

Anyway, tell your mom I said hi.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Dumb Chicken Humor

The dumb chicken was like "I'm fuckin' stupid."

Then it walked around some and laid like 30 eggs and was like "I don't give a fuck about these eggs. Guess I'll just sit on 'em for a while though." Then a second chicken clucked up and was like "Hey I'm fuckin' dumb."

"I'm fuckin' dumb too." said the first chicken.
"I'm fuckin' stupid." said the second chicken.
"Me too too." said the first chicken.
"Me too too too." said the second chicken.
"I don't know shit." said the first chicken.
"I eat sometimes." said the second chicken.
"Sometimes I sit on these fuckin' eggs." said the first chicken.
"What if you lose them or someone takes them?" asked the second chicken.
"I don't give a shit." said the first chicken.
"Me neither." said the second.
"I guess more will come out my chicken hole." said the first chicken.

Then the chickens did some stuff like eat some seeds and pecked at stuff. The third chicken walked up, he was real dumb and cross-eyed too.

"Hi I'm dumb as shit." said cross-eyed chicken.
"Do you know what 1 + 1 is?" asked first chicken.
"No." said cross-eyed chicken.
"Me neither." said first chicken.
"I don't even know what 1 + 1 means." asked the cross-eyed chicken.
"I've never even heard of it." said the first chicken.
"Do you know how to cluck?" asked second chicken.
"No." clucked cross-eyed chicken.
"Me neither." clucked the first chicken.

Then the scared chicken walked up but kept a safe distance.

"Hey I'm dumb." said first chicken.
"Hi I'm stupid." said second chicken.
"Hey I'm stupid, why don't you come over here?" asked cross-eyed chicken.
"I'm chicken." said scared chicken.

Jim Trainer Blows It

Computer Wimpo lifted the weights and his muscles got big. He walked into the cool gym and Jim Trainer said "Hey what happened, did you drink milk?"
"No dummy I pumped iron, you of all people should know that." said Computer Wimpo.
"I knew it I knew it." said Jim Trainer.

Then word got out that Jim Trainer didn't know it and everyone said "Don't train with Jim Trainer, train with Wimpo!" 

And Jim Trainer was mad and sad and bad about it. But look, here's the deal, all the loser follower people went and followed Wimpo to having him be their trainer and guess what already! They didn't get very well trainered and wound up being a bunch of putzes. And the whole place was crawling with wimpy weaklings.

Jim Trainer was sad still but didn't realize that he coulda kept up and started like a new trainer biz or job or help assistance thing. 

"Jim you been training everyone lately?" said Horpus.
"No." said Jim Trainer, moping.
"Why not?"
"Cuz I'm not a wimp."

Then Jim Trainer went and ate a bowl of ice cream and got fat and depressed and didn't train anyone except for people who needed help eating ice cream.

"Like that. Like that. Like that. There. That's good. Lick the ice cream." said Jim Trainer as he trained and demonstrated how to eat ice cream better and more often, to other lazy depressies who didn't train.

Now Jim Trainer just eats ice cream and he's fat all the time and everyone in the world is a wimp. And it's all because Computer Wimpo made him be embarrassed.

Jim Trainer planned to make a big comeback and get some revenge but then instead he just ate a bowl of ice cream. Then he finished the bowl but decided it wasn't enough so he went back to the fridge and scooped some more of the ice cream into the bowl he had. He felt like it was a good idea. 

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Steer Clear of Exhaust Man

Exhaust man was exhausting and it was cuz he coughed and coughed in everyone's face and they got blown with gusts of cough exhaust and it made them cough and drop to the ground from chokeness.

"Cough cough cough! I need a cough drop!" said Grant Pant as he dropped to the ground.
"Now you got dirt on your pant, Grant!" said Jammy, who coughed too from Exhaust Man.

Then the cough drop bomb got dropped by a big bomber plane and it and landed in the courtyard of the hangoutty place they all hang outted in.

"Crack!" said the cough drop hitting the ground. Then all the coughers ran and sucked on it.
"Hehe you suck." said Exhaust man.
"The cough drop cured our cough!" said the coughers.

Then Exhaust man got all maudlin "Hey guys hey hey.... I hope you guys aren't like mad at me. I mean I just want friends and see my mom always tried to make me have friends but I didn't get em because I tried too hard and listened to my mom instead of my heart and now I've separated myself from that toxic mom environment, cough cough, but now that I've done all this personal work on myself I really really really would like friends, so like would you think you could like like to be my friends?" said Exhaust man then he coughed clouds of exhaust everywhere.
"Sure. We got to run now though." said Grant Pant and Jammy.

Then they walked away far.

"Man Exhaust man is exhausting." said Jammy. 
"True." said Grant Pant.

Then Jammy whapped his head on a street sign "Ow!" he said, and it split his head open and jam leaked out of it and dribbled on Grant's pant. Then Peabert walked by and hit his head too and peanut butter leaked out of Peabert's head.

Grant Pant got some peanut butter and jelly on his pant.

Then Squishy Licky walked up and wanted to come lick it off the pants but Grant Pant was like "You're a pervert!" even though he was secretly into it, but there were too many people watching for Grant Pant to enjoy it publicly. 

Then he changed his mind and told himself that he should allow himself to enjoy the things he enjoys, but then Exhaust man came up and coughed all over the peanut butter and jelly dribble, ruined the taste, scared off Squishy Licky, and was like "Sorry I hope I didn't ruin anything or everything cough cough."

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

The Gang Gets Back Together

The gang was all back together. They always said they were gonna meet at this place at this time at this year. It was the big thing they said they were gonna do as kids and then adulthood came, they got a little older and wiser and now the time has come...

There was Rascal, he was the troublemaker of the bunch. He liked lightin' firecrackers and putting em in soda cans, hehe. Now he was all grown up and he got fat.

There was Ralphie, he wore his hat sideways and always chuckled when couldn't hit a baseball pitch, but he'd still always say things like "Aw man bad pitch!" He got fat.

There was Little Marty, he was the brains of the operation always making a plan. "Okay first we're gonna meet in my backyard then we're gonna split up and surround the parameter!" he's say about a plan. He even wanted to devise a heist so that all the fellas could get a look at Sally Bakerman's underwear! Little Marty got fat and bald. So did Sally Bakerman, who was not there, but she did get fat, just sayin'.

There was Eddie, we all knew Eddie as Mr. Cool. Now Mr. Cool was the bad boy of the bunch, he put baseball stickers on his bicycle and banana peels in his spokes. His pa wasn't around so he put hair grease in his hair and even smoke grapevines. "Relax I got this under control!" he'd say when anyone got stressed about a big kid adventure they'd be going on. He got real fat.

There was Sammy the Hammy, he was the fat kid of the bunch who could never keep up because the fast pace of everyone. "Aw cmon guys slow down can't we get a popsicle?" He stayed real fat and he had a fat son.

There was Herman, he was part of the group, but he had big glasses and was kind of a nerd who liked doing math! "Aw so what if I like fractions!" he'd say. Grew up to be fat.

Then there was Danny. Danny couldn't make it. They all loved Danny. Danny was the sensitive heart of the group. The voice of reason. "Hey guys think about what you're doin'..." he'd say if stuff was getting outta control.

"Geez, you're right Danny." they'd say.

Danny couldn't make it to the big reunion because he died from a coronary. He was extremely fat, unhealthy and had high cholesterol.

"Sure is sad that Danny died." said Eddie.
"I was looking forward to seeing you all." said Ralphie.
"Yeah." said Herman.
"I work for an investment firm." said Rascal.
"I'm in real estate." said Ralphie.
"I've been helping my parents out." said Marty.
"How's your son, Sammy?" asked Eddie.
"Oh he's doing good, he's in the 3rd grade. Want to see a picture?" said Sammy.
"Yes." said Eddie.

And that is pretty much what the big reunion was like.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Balloon Head

Balloon Head ran into Needle Face and Balloon Head popped his dumb fuckin' head.

"Aw krap." said Balloon Head, through his krappy deflated Balloony lips.
"Oops sorry." said that fucker Needle Face, who did shit like that all the time, and didn't watch where he was going, particularly for people who were Balloon Head persuasion.

Then Balloon Head had to lug his rubber ass to the Balloon Head Doctor, and his Balloon insurance wasn't great so he wasn't able to find a sympathetic doctor, he had to get one of those impatient doctors.

"So what's goin' on, Mr. Head?" said Balloony Doctor.
"I popped my head."
"Mhmm, we can get you a new one." said Balloony Doctor as he stood up to walk out the door.
"Yeah. Okay." said Balloon head "I'm just a little concerned that-"
"Mhmm." said the Doctor.
"-that if I don't get the right-"
"Mhmm."
"-type of Balloon for my-"
"Mhmm."
"-head that it might happ-"
"Mhmm."
"-en again and-"
"We'll make sure we get you the right one or one that works, sound good?" said Balloony Doctor.
"Ok." said Balloon Head.

The Balloony Doctor's Mhmms made Balloon Head nervous. Fuck that Doctor. The Balloony Doctor gave Balloon Head a new balloon head but this one was filled with water and some fuck popped it again and the water splattered everywhere. Then Balloony Doctor gave Balloon Head another head and it was filled with helium and it floated away and he went to the doctor and couldn't say anything because he had no head and the asshole doctor was like.

"Oh great looks like you lost your head." as if it was Balloon Head's fault. Then the Balloony Doctor gave him a new one and it was full of brains which, guess what, splattered all over this old lady's fat tits. The End.

The Fuck You Garbage Head

Garbage Breath Asshole Eater said "Fuck you!"

He said it because the people and the bitches was trying to mess with him. He thought it was ass-ass bullshit.

Then the people were like "Hey you can't do that here and say that here! Here in our fancy ass place. It's very fancy and you don't belong here." so Garbage Breath Asshole Eater was like "Motherfuck you and motherfuck that cuz I'm the best!" then the people were like "Gasp! Stop or we'll come get you." Because they were threatened and they were tryin' to keep Garage Berth Asseater down.

"Don't keep me down!" he said at a them while sticking his pinky fingers up in a derogatory nature.

Then he thought about it more and changed his mind. And would you believe Barbage Geath Asseat Holer was like "Actually I double dick dare you fuck bitches to come get me! I'm better than all you! Come try I would love it."

The people who didn't like Barage Breath were very threatened and scared they tapped their stupid weak ass feet on the floor to try to figure out how to solve the problem. The other big problem with him was that he was stinky. "We think you are too stinky."
"I don't give a fuck!!!!" said Garbage Breath Number One Asshole Eater.

Then people went back and convened about keeping Garbage Breath down.
"It's hard to mess with him. He doesn't give a fuck." said the people.
"I know." said the peoples.
"Don't mess with me I don't give a fuck." Garbage Breath reminded them.

Then he went and took a sip in one of their cups of tea and spit in it. "Fuck this tea!" he said then he started to leave but Garbit Breast Assbowl turned around and said "Do you weak pussies need me to remind you that you can't fuck with me and I'm the best?"

Then he went to the mountain top and told everything he saw to fuck off and that it couldn't fuck with him. It was a beautiful view. Garbage Breath Asshowl Eaper then exposed himself to the great view and pulled out a clean napkin that was wadded up in his pocket but still clean. He put it in his mouth and chewed it like it was lunch because he said "He didn't give a fuck that it looked gross." Then he said "Fuck yall!" to the city once more. It was a beautiful day.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Willy the Worm

Willy the worm wiggled through the dirt and the moisture. He wasn't a he because worms don't be hes or shes, but he wiggled all around and just seemed to go where the vibrations and temperatures sent him.

Willy passed by some dirt, then he passed by some more dirt, then he wiggled through some other dirt. It was all pretty moist. Willy couldn't see what was in front of him but he knew it was it was dark or light because he just was able to tell.

It didn't bother him that he couldn't see but because he couldn't he bumped past a pebble in the dirt and said " ". Which is nothing, because he couldn't say anything, because he didn't and couldn't talk, but even if he did, he didn't have much of an opinion about it, because he couldn't think either.

Willy also knew a couple of guys like Sally and Herman the worms who were used as bait for fishing and hooks pierced through them and they didn't mind because they couldn't feel pain and also Willy didn't mind because he had no connection or relationship to Sally nor Herman. Willy also didn't know his name was Willy. Willy was definitely alive though.

One day Jerry the guy at work started thinking about Willy, or some worm like Willy, and Jerry started to have an existential crisis.

"What if I'm the same as Willy!?!" said Jerry.
"Huh?" said Sheri the coworker.

Jerry looked to the ground shifting his eyes from spot to spot in rapid thought.

"Why is Willy here if he can't feel anything?! What's the point of Willy?!" said Jerry.
"Who is Willy, what?" said Sheri.
"I mean he can't see, he can't think! What the hell can he do and what the hell is he for?!"
"You're gonna have to calm down a little." said Sheri.
"And what if I'm just as useless!?" said Jerry as he started shaking.
"Should I call someone for help, you seem panicked."
 "And what if there's some sense or something that some other thing on a whole other plain has that I don't have, and that guy just thinks I'm like Willy!?"
"Who is Willy?! What wrong with Willy?"
"Willy doesn't feel pain or think about anything but he's still just there!!"
"Where!?" asked Sheri.
"I feel and see and think, and he doesn't but what if I'm no better?! And what a giant hooked pierced through my chest and I didn't feel it and it didn't matter!?"
"Are you having indigestion?" asked Sheri.
"Oh god! A worm! A worm! What if I'm a worm!"

Then Brad came in and asked what everyone wanted to order for lunch.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Where My Dinner

Hankie Beezo work real hard all day at work and then he even get sweat bead on his brow from doin' that hard work. Then he go home and want a steak that his wife make. The steak gonna be there because he want the steak dinner. So wife gonna make Hankie da big steak for eatin' and be readying when he come home. Capeeeesh?

Hankie walk open the door from work to home he walk it open and step in the house and what the hell?!

"What? Huh? Where my steak?!" say Hankie Beezo.
Hankie Beezo Wife sit on the couch and smack a gum and hold a cigarette.
"Hey you make my steak?!" say Hankie Beezo.
Hankie Wife sit there smackin'.
"Where my steak!?"
She sit there more.
"Why I don't got no steak!?"
She don't says nothing.
"You warmin' it up?"
She sniff the air but don't say talk.
"Hey you gonna cook my steak?"
She sit there and don't cook no steak.
"Hmm maybe my steak already on the table and I didn't see it."

Hankie Beezo walk over to the table where he thought the steak was gonna be. He looks at the table and no steak on that old woody table.

"Is you got steak?!" he says to the table.
Great. Now the table don't say nothin' neither. Wife no say nothin. Table no say nothin', what is this the silence treatment?!
"Hey!" say Hankie Beezo to table.
"Hey!!" say Hankie Beezo harder, to Wife.

Beezo wife turn her head from direction she was facing it at. She been lookin straight ahead at wall. She turn at Hankie.

"You gonna make me steak dinner?!" he say.
"No." say Hankie Beezo wife.

Hankie Beezo drop his tiny chandelier he was holding.

"Whaat!? I work all day and win da bread bring home da bread and you won't cook da bread!? I bring home da bacon you won't cook da bacon, where my steakon!?"
"Ain't makon it." said wife.

Hankie Beezo didn't know what to do. He ate a paper bag out of the garbage can and a rock.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Lindy the Witch

Lindy the Witch was gonna go fly to do some spells on some people and she jumped on her broom but the broom accidentally went up into her pussy!

"Ooh! Rats!" she said. And pulled it out but also accidentally gave birth to ten rats because that was a rat spell.
"Great! Now I have rats in my lab." she said.

Then she went to try again and jumped up on her floating broom but the broom accidentally went up her ass. She was clumsy. "Dammit!" she said. Then water flooded her layer, because that was another witch spell, to put a broom in your ass and say "Dammit!" and the rats floated around.

So she pulled the broom out her butt and properly sat on it then proceeded with her plan to cause spells on some enemies of hers, like Hoagie and Jerushaliam, some male heroes of the village. They were a witch hunting team, but currently on a different journey to fetch a missing horse for the King. Booring. Suddenly, Jerushaliam felt an itch on his face.

"Do I have something on my nose?" asked Jerushaliam to Hoagie.
"Flesh and pores and hairs and oh goodness, worms! Parasites!" screamed Hoagie.

Then the worm parasites fused together and grew into Lindy and Lindy wanted to make these guys feel spooked and spelled but she had a spell in mind where their sweethearts turned to mush when they tried to make love to them. But instead she made one where she came out of Jerushaliam's nose pores as multiple parasites.

"Ew Lindy you're gross." They said.

Lindy tried to save face.

"I'm trying to be gross! I'm a witch! It's what witches do." said Lindy.
"Yeah but you're a different type of gross." said Hoagie.

Jerushaliam's nose was fine too, by the way.

"Well I bet I really creeped you out though." said Lindy.
"We are over it pretty quickly." said Jerushaliam.
"Fine. I'm off to the swamp to cook up some more spells to creep you out more! Hehehe." shouted Lindy.

She meant to cackle but it came out more like a giggle. Then her broom appeared and she leapt to hop on it but it pointed up in the wrong direction and went up her butt again. It was real embarrassing. Then she looked away and didn't make eye contact with Hoagie or Jerushaliam, hoping they didn't see it. But they probably did. She flew off cursing herself saying "Idiot, idiot, idiot." but she cursed herself so hard that her hair turned into tadpoles.

"She's annoying." said Jerushaliam.
"I know." said Hoagie.

The Big Bald Bitch Gets Her Way

The Big Bald Bitch was so stressed because she liked to do what she liked to do but The Clean Little Creampuff had his way of doing it. One day their at odds methods came to a head.

The Big Bald Bitch bit into The Clean Little Creampuff's creamy white neck. The Clean Little Creampuff was the Big Bald Bitch's husband. She'd had enough of his fancy little ways. It was time to dig in. She squeezed her butt and gut, clenched her jaw, pushed out those superior fangs, and plunged them into that prissy little creampuff. The Big Bald Bitch deserved better in a man. Not some priss-a-miss.

"Ohhh! Ohh deeear." said The Clean Little Creampuff.
"Rahhhhhh!" said The Big Bald Bitch.
"No! My neck! It was so clean!" he whined, longing for his neck to be unpierced.

Blood sprayed in heavy geyser form from The Clean Little Creampuff's neck through the filter of the side of The Big Bald Bitch mouth corner.

"Pssssssssssss" and "Tsssssssssssss" it said. Squirting, speckling, spritzing and spackling the fine curtains that The Clean Little Creampuff had so painstakingly picked out from Llewellyn's Curtainry, the finest curtain store in town.

"Noo!! My curtains! The Curtaains!" squealed The Clean Little Creampuff.
"Glurrrrgh." said ravaging Big Bald Bitch.

Then with her talon-like thumbnail The Big Bald Bitch penetrated The Clean Little Creampuff's gut, and sliced it across like Harikiri, spilling the guts to their feet.

"Ohhhh! Noooo. My rug! Not my ruuugg! It was such a nice rug, the cleaning bill will be through the roof!" cried The Clean Little Creampuff.
"Mrrerrrghhh..." gurgled The Big Bald Bitch.

Then the Big Bald Bitch gripped a handful of The Clean Little Creampuff's hair and yanked, pulling out a visible patch from his scalp. Along with little pieces of scalp. Tiny ones. Then she released the handwad of hair to the opened bed.

"Owwwww! Noooo! My bedsheets! Not hair in the bedsheets! My bedsheets!!! They'll be itchy!
"Freeeeghhhhh.." said The Big Bald Bitch.

Then the Big Bald Bitch stamped on the ground with fury, squishing open one of The Clean Little Creampuff's disemboweled entrails. It was not nice smelling. He was not so clean at this point. The smell filled the room. Quite putrid. Very embarrassing for him.

"Noooo!!! My home's fine potpourri scent! It will never cover the smell!"
"Quigghghghhhllgh!" said The Big Bald Bitch.

Then The Clean Little Creampuff started to lose consciousness because of all the blood loss. Then he died.

"Noo!! My....life." he said.
"Yuggh-yughh yughhhh yugh..." said The Big Bald Bitch.

"Thank god" she thought and then she wasn't stressed anymore.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

The Emotional Event Gathering

There was a real drama going on with all the folks and their disagreements before the big show.

Michael the Jerk said "Hey you are a cry baby and an idiot," to Lenny.
"Hey you got a real chip on your shoulder, hehe I'm laughing. Oh no now I'm sad though." said Lenny and then Lenny started crying.

Barry started talking to Karen about how Lenny is so emotional.

"It's just too much emotion for anyone to deal with!" said Karen the Crank.
"But Michael is being a big Jerk though." said Barry.
Then Karen responded with "But I can't stand what a j--"

Then Karen got hit by a boat. Everyone was shocked and turned and looked and stopped and said "Whoa this is new nutty business." And then their mouths hung open.

Then the boat captain jumped out and said "Hey can you believe this boat runs on the street?!"
"That lady got hit by your boat." said Michael the Jerk.
"Hey I'm an arrester." said a copper.
"Get that captain!" said Barry.
"I got nothing to say." said Jim, who had been quiet the whole time.
"I'm okay don't arrest him." said Karen, got hit by a boat.
"Darn I was hoping to arrest someone." said the copper.
"Arrest that guy he's a rapper!" said Michael the Jerk.

"Yo yo yo I'm a white rapper!" said the white rapper from the stage.
"Woooo!" said the crowd.
"Do a rap!" said crowd #2.

All the people who had different emotions going on turned their attention toward the stage for the big show.

"Yo! Are yall ready for my big rap!" asked the white rapper.
"Yes." said the whole crowd.
"Good! Here goes."

Then the white rapper cleared his throat.

"Hey I got braces to fix my crooked teeth. 
When it comes Christmas time my door will have a wreath. 
I'm a wear a comfy diaper and I shoot you like a sniper. 
I smoke drugs with pipe and then complain and gripe!"

"This is a good rap." said a crowd part.
"I like it too." said Lenny who was crying.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

The Eat Place

The Eat Place was a great restaurant. Everyone's happy at The Eat Place.

Jilly and Angie and Brad went to The Eat Place, they were hung hung hung hungry! They went to The Eat Place because it was the only restaurant in the world. And it was their favorite.

"Oooh my stomach I need it to be full!" said Jilly, who had an eating disorder where she emptied her stomach out. Also Jilly bled paste when she cut herself.
"I wanna eat always and more!" said Angie who had an eat disorder where she wouldn't stop eating. Also Angie had a crayon tampon.
"I'm full." said Brad who didn't like to eat. Also Brad had a tit implant on his back, so he had two nicknames because his friends couldn't decide between Hunchback of Notre Tit and Titback of No Tit Brad.

Anyway they took their table and readied their orders, closed menus in hand.

"Gimme those orders you weirdos." said Orphus the Red Horned Waiter.
"Okay I'll have a teeth sandwich!" said Jilly.
"Okay we'll have it right out for you, how bout you?" said Orphus.
"I want someone's left overs, that sounds good." said Angie.
"Okay, help yourself." said Orphus.

Then Angie went up and started picking stuff off the tables.

"Hey that's mine!" said someone who was still eating their food.
"I ordered it." said Angie.
"Oh sorry." said the person.
"How about you, what do you want?" said Orphus to Brad.
"I want to cut myself, do you have that?" said Brad.
"Sorry only butter knives." said Waiter.

Brad chewed on his cloth napkin. After waiting for three hours the teeth sandwich came out and Jilly chomped into it. She broke her teeth biting on the teeth in the sandwich. It bleed all into the bread and she kept eating.

"I was going to complain that there weren't enough teeth, but now there's extra. This is a good teeth sandwich. Love the special sauce, wonder what it is!" said Jilly.
"It's the blood from your mouth!" said Orphus, with a wink.

They left stuffed and satisfied. Everyone leaves happy at The Eat Place.

Monday, August 17, 2015

The Jiminy Solutions

Jiminy Siegfred was a fine distinguished businessman who wore a slim fitting three piece suit and spoke with all flowery language and stuff.

"That'll do." he'd say. And other stuff he'd say too like "I'd rather not." and "Most definitely." You know, real fancy talk. One day he was in a meeting with some associates to discus you know finances and subsidies.

"Do you think this this is thing we might invest in?" said Millimer, his associate.
"I'm liable to think so." said Jiminy. More fancy talk, right?
"Hmmph." scoffed Millimer.

There was a moment where Jiminy was taken a back. Kind of awkward like.

"Why do you gesture in such a way?" asked Jiminy.
"I just wouldn't think you'd be so risk-taking." said Millimer.
"Me?" said Jiminy.
"Indeed." said Millimer. You know, fancy-like, too.
"Uh... Well that's silly."
"Impressive you're showing some spine." said Millimer.

Jiminy knew in his spine that his spine meant gut and he knew in his gut that his gut meant balls. But Jiminy wasn't going to say anything. He left business work that day and didn't go home. He thought. He thought hard. He thought he was risky. He overthought. He obsessed. He was obsessive in general. But this was a new can of obsession worms. Who at work didn't think of him that way? He wanted names. He wanted vindication. He wanted vengeance. Then he wanted to just calm down. He did his fancy erudite version of huffing and puffing.

Where was he? He had driven so far and long in his fancy Cadillacky-Rollsy-Adult-Success-car. That he had found himself int he middle of nowhere. Long down the road he saw a cruddy light glisten. It was a fill station. He was due to fill up so "Phew" he thought to himself. He perused around the aisles of gas station, lost in his insecurity. Then...

Balls.

He saw them. Those really cool "truck-balls" that cool trucks have. Suddenly his spine seemed to firm up. It was as if each vertebrae was scaled with two testicles, the size of these truck balls, which he attached to his Cadillacky-Rollsy-Adult-Success-car.

For the rest of his life he rode the road to risk and Millimer shoved those balls up his mouth. One day though someone made a comment about Jiminy aging and it made Jiminy feel bad again so he got a really cool face lift and new white teeth. He was invincible after that.

The Story of Puncher and Knifer

Puncher and Knifer were friends and lovers but they didn't get along at home sometimes and had domestic issues but their flame for each other burned so hard they could not resist continuing the love machine. One day they unplugged the love machine because it was vibrating and getting too rickety.

"I've had a bit of enough!" said Puncher.
This hit Knifer right in the gut. "Ooh. You can't mean it."
"I do!" said Puncher and Puncher started to walk away.
"Okay then. You're a bad cook." said Knifer.

This dug right into Puncher's back. Puncher loved to cook and Knifer was always polite about Puncher's cooking.

"You've been lying and faking all this time." said Puncher.
"I know!" said Knifer.

Then Knifer punched Puncher right in the nose real hard and Puncher pulled out a knife and knifed Knifer. Then it was a whole thing with the cops and the doctors and the police and the news and it got all this news attention even though it was kind of a stupid insignificant thing, but they got real rich off the rights to their big story and it was sold to be made as a movie of the week with a very low budget on a television program for a very cheap cable company.

It was a real crap production for and they hired a young director who wore a ball cap and was a film school grad. He wore glasses, had fuzz for facial hair, and loved shouting "ACTION!" and "CUT!"

One day the actor playing Puncher wasn't giving the perfect performance and the film school grad director walked up to the actor, bent down and whispered that for this next take he needed the actor to take a pause breathe then look up and "shake his head, as if cursing the gods." This was a great note the producer told the director "good job". To which the director replied "Hey to me, and the way that I work, story is king!"
"So true." said the producer.

The film school grad made a lot of money and bought a house and a convertible and an SUV, which he named Puncher and Knifer because "those are the babies that started it all for me!"

Years later an eager fan walked up to him on the street and said "That scene where Puncher is cursing the gods, how did you do it?" to which he replied "Kid, the way I work, story is king!"
"Wowww!" said the kid and the kid wound up being big famous director name Devin Spiegelbaum.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

The Introspective Human Men's Club

The fellas met for a hang and a drink at the bar. They were getting loose and having some honest talk and good time carousal.

"Hey guys we're all just regular folks, huh?" said Charlie.
"You said it!" said Gus.
"You know it!" said Bart.
"No doubt!" said Asif.
"True dat!" said Horace.
"Hey baby, I'm as flawed as they come! Slip me some skin!" said Jamal.

Then Benjamin slipped Jamal some skin.

"I'm tryin' my best to be my best and sometimes my best seems not good enough!" said Benjamin, with a shrug.
"Hey I've been there and I am there!" said Avi.
"Ditt........oh!" said Frankie-baby.
"The hard truth goes down pretty easy when you're eating it with good friends." said Lester.
"Definitely." nodded and mumbled Jay.
"I agree with you all." said the robot pretending to be a person.

Everyone took a nice long swig of their drink. Some of the drinks were non-alcoholic, for safety.

"Man, they other day I embarrassed myself in front of a woman I thought was attractive." said Abe.
"I tell ya, I thought I wouldn't mind losing my hair so I ignored Rogaine and Propecia ads, but now that it's too late, I'm regrettin' it." said Chico.
"I was talking to Lucy, whom I dislike's friend, and I said something along the lines of how can you deal with Lucy? and I realized I'd crossed the line." said Ralph.
"I worked out at the gym and when I was done and all sweaty I thought it would be safe to look at my butt and man-breasts in the mirror. I didn't notice a very fit couple was standing behind me watching me squeeze my breasts." said Otis.
"Hey I've been there, brother." said Kev.
"Sometimes it's hard to contain your urges and your social cues get crossed like tangled wires." said Jarpy.
"He's right." said Ed.
"Truth." Pete.
"As much as I hate to admit it. I'm not always cool." said Devin.
"Times are tough." said Hal.
"Live and learn." said Zal.
"Mistakes are gifts in the form of lessons." said Val.
"Yep." said Cal.
"This is what life's about." said Wharton.
"No free thought allowed." said the robot pretending to be a person.
"Say what?" said Jerry.
"Huh? Oh nothing." said the robot pretending to be a person.

The robot pretending to be a person made a mistake. It was eerily similar to human beings in that it even made human mistakes like letting true motives, that were meant to remain concealed, slip. He was just as human as the rest of them. He even felt shame and embarrassment for his learned imperfection.

"Hey pal, you're one of us lemme get you another drink." said Keith.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Balance in the Universe at a Pizza Place

Pip and Jeremiah were both standing in front of the same pizza joint. Pip walked up to Jeremiah. Jeremiah was the coolest dumb guy ever. Maybe he was even smart. He didn't say and he wouldn't tell you if he asked. He seemed like he had the answers. But maybe he didn't hear the questions. Pip spoke.

"Hey hey I'm wacky guy and I'm all high strung but I'm relaxed I'm an enigma I'm complicated everyone should hear about it do you wanna hear about it? I'll tell you and I mess around a bunch and I eat too much,"

Pip started jumpin' up and down.

"Ooh look at me I'm jumpin' up and down and stuff ain't I neat? I'm smart too I got a lotta to say you read that one book about the Roman Empire? You read that other book about a German philosopher by an English professor who someone smart wrote an article about in a rare magazine zine?!? I'm cool I'm hip I know about it all!" said Pip.

"Nah I'm simple." said Jeremiah.

"Oh. Well did you see this one movie where the camera moves real slow and the protagonist turns out to be the antagonist and it's also a Dutch film by a Japanese filmmaker who I read was great in this Hungarian journal that was published ten years ago but sat unpublished for twelve! I know it I read it I heard all about it and I'm the one telling you about it, what do you know?!"

"Didn't see it." said Jeremiah.
Pip took a big bite of pizza and talked with his mouth full.

"Oh. Well I'm smart and cool and I do a little dance do you like a dance? I love dance I trained in dance I read about training in dance I love trains oh I spilled my milkshake just now it's a gourmet milkshake. Do you like a food? Do you like spices? Cumin? Human desire I read the Karma Sutra I'm a giver hey can I borrow a dollar so I can tip the valet at the place I bought this milkshake it's a fancy milkshake I like the finer things. Do you like an interior design? Interactive design its the way the future's going my dad's a dentist."

"Ain't listenin'." said Jeremiah.

Pip polished off his crust. Then a spaceship came down from the sky and a little spaceman got out in front of Jeremiah and Pip and pointed to Jeremiah and said "You." Then he pointed to Pip and said "Not you." Jeremiah went with the spaceman and the spaceship flew off away and Pip kept talking about it forever and even though people thought Pip was a smart kind of guy they just thought he was crazy for the rest of his days but as Pip told them "Its aaaalll true!"

The Growth

One day Ron Ron had a growth grow out on his body. It really freaked Ron Ron out.

"Does this look bad to you?" he said to everyone.
"Yes." said everyone.

It was shaped like two turtles and it was grown out of his side. He didn't like it. He talked about it all the time.
"You better get that looked at." said everyone.

Ron Ron went to Dr. Tableman to get it looked at.
"Ooh that's a growth." said Dr. Tableman.
"Yeah?"
"Eventually it should get removed." said Dr. Tableman.

Ron Ron went around all over town and everywhere, parties, bar mitzvahs, work, elevators, anywhere where chatter was going to happen, and he would talk about his growth. It was his number one topic.
"Ugh this damn growth, ya know!" he'd say.
"So embarrassed about this growth!" he'd declare.
"It's the reason I'm always wearing big shirts." he'd explain.
"Yeah Dr. Tableman says I've got a growth. It's a growth." he would say.
"Wow. Good thing you got it checked out." said everyone.
"Yeah I'm gonna have to get it removed."
"When are you getting it removed?"
"Oh just eventually." he say.
"Why me?! Ya know!?" he'd also say.

Soon it seemed every time Ron Ron would meet someone, "So interesting thing about me... I've got this growth." He'd find fake-organic ways to bring it into conversation, "So... do you have any growths or anything like that?"
"No."
"Ah. Well I do."
"Oh. Geez."
"Yeah. Can't wait to get rid of it!" he'd say.

It was such a relief to not have to think of a new topic to talk about. Ron Ron's identity became defined by his growth. He began to rely on it for any social situation. One day while he was in the bathroom, Ron Ron's growth began to talk.
"Grub grub grub grub...." said the growth. Nothing distinguishable or eloquently formed. Just jumble jarble talk, "Grubba dub grub grub..."

This was a new trait for Ron Ron's growth. But also he thought he'd better get it checked out again. So he went back to Dr. Tableman.

"Oh it's talking." said Dr. Tableman.
"Yeah." said Ron Ron.
"That means we had better get it removed."
"Removed? Really? Uh... When?"
"Umm... next week." said Dr. Tableman.

Ron Ron went around town. He felt despondent. He couldn't believe his growth would be gone soon. Leaving him alone. To fend for himself. The thought of it being off of him became terrifying. What would life be with out it? He dreaded it's removal. He put his hands around it. He held it and wept.

Then came the big day. It was removed, the scar was stitched up and the growth dumped into biohazard. Ron Ron was depressed for weeks. Months. Then one day he finally dragged himself out to catch of glimpse of society.

"Oh hi Ron Ron, what's new?" said someone.

Ron Ron looked up frightened. What would he talk about now? Then a majestic thought popped into his head and he spoke. "Well... I had a growth removed."

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Sy Helps Joe a Little

"Yo." said Joe.
"Hi." said Sy.
"Do you have any cheese with you?" asked Joe.
"Yeah I got some in my pocket." said Sy.
"Oh." said Joe.
"Why?" said Sy.
"I was hoping you would give me some." said Joe.
"All you have to do is ask!" said Sy.

Then Sy reached into his pocket and pulled out some cheese. Sy held the cheese out in his open hand. Joe looked at the cheese.

"Looks like there's a hair in the cheese." said Joe.
Then Sy looked at the cheese. There was a hair. Sy pinched the hair out with his fingers.
"Oh you didn't have to do that." said Joe.
"I wanted to." said Sy.

Then Sy offered a piece of the cheese to Joe. Joe took the cheese and put it in his pocket.
"I'm going to save it for later." said Joe.

Then Joe went walking down the street and thought "Gee that Sy sure is nice."

Then he ran into Cathleen, whom he used to go out with, and Cathleen was like
"Oh hey Joe, my fabulous painter husband, Roland,"
whom Cathleen had mentioned multiple times in the past to Joe that Roland didn't like him,
"who as you know paints in water color,"
which was a style of painting Joe didn't care for, due to associations with bad childhood experiences,
"is looking for a subject for a big piece sponsored by Bed Sore Juice,"
which was a big corporate juice chain that Joe thought was no good,
"and I suggested you! And Roland thought it was a great idea!"
"Oh. Neat..." said Joe, with uncertain feelings.
"Yes! It could be a great opportunity to be in a fabulous watercolor painting by Roland. As well a great opportunity in general!" said Cathleen.
"Ah. Thank you." said Joe with a hard smile.
"All you have to do is call Roland. Call him. Call him he's waiting for you to call." said Cathleen.
"Okay I will call him tomorrow. I have to go pray real quick." said Joe.

Then Joe left feeling unsure of what to do. What decision to make. He wasn't going to go pray though, that was just a thing to say to get out of the situation.

Joe went home, he thought about thinking hard about what decision to make regarding the Bed Sore Juice watercolor. But then he didn't want to think too hard about it. Instead Joe sat down, reached in his pocket and pulled out the piece of Sy's squishy wadded cheese, then he ate it.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Shockingly Sexy Sherry

Shockingly Sexy Sherry had a big fat jiggy glob of goop in her eye. It was eye goop. You know? That stuff that gets in your eye and where does it come from?

"Ew!! Eye goops!" said Shockingly Sexy Sherry, as she scraped out the handfuls of goop coming from her eye.
"Splat!" said the goop as it hit the concrete.
"Hey!" thought the concrete, "Now I'm conflicted. I was so into how shockingly sexy Shockingly Sexy Sherry was that I thought nothin' could make me think she wasn't a real shocker."
"Uh huh?" said the goop on the concrete.
"Ew you just responded!" said the concrete.
"Yeah I'm the only one listening!" said the goop.
"Oh. I guess that's true. Sure is lonely here." said the concrete.
"You were saying?" said the goop.
"Oh yeah. I was saying I thought she was a real sexy shocker but now that she flung you onto me I am not so sure. I was pretty into staring up her skirt." said the concrete.
"Ew you're a sick pervert!" said the globby glob of eye goop.
"Who me? Hey cut me some slack, I'm only human." said the concrete.
"No you're straight up hard sidewalk sicky stuff."
"Hey don't you have some hair to go style and hold?" said the concrete.
"Hey how dare you call me hair gel!" said the eye goop.

Meanwhile, Shockingly Sexy Sherry still had goop globs in her eyeball.

"Help! No one look at me! Help! What's wrong with my eyeball?!" said Shockingly Sexy Sherry.
"Well, what's it you want us to do?" said bystander who heard her, "sounds like you have conflicting cries."
"Why do I have this stuff in my eye?" said Sherry.
"Maybe you slept on it funny or have allergies." said bystander.
"That's it?"
"Could also be some sort of bacteria causing it. You been looking at some gross stuff?" asked bystander.
"Yeah I guess so."
"Like what? Be honest." said bystander.
"Well there was this rich guy who wanted me to do this one thing that I wasn't so sure about."
"Uh huh, keep goin'..." said bystander.

Shockingly Sexy Sherry kept talking and bystander started panting and stuff he came off like a real creep.

"Hey are you gettin' off on this information?!" asked Shockingly Sexy Sherry.
"You bet I am babe! Keep goin!" said bystander.
"I thought you were a doc or an expert or something."
"Nope I'm just a bystander!"
"You pervert!" said Sherry, then she threw a glob of eye goop at the bystander.
"What a pervert!" said the glob of eye goop that was on the concrete from before.

Then the bystander giggled because that really made his day. He was a real pervert.

Sippos Fruit Drink Big Announcement

Sippos Fruit Drink had a big announcement to make one day. The announcement was that they were going to be making a big announcement. It was all over the news. Everyone seemed to hear about it. It was almost inescapable.

"What's this Sippos Fruit Drink thing going on?" asked Durger.
"I think I heard about it." said Mugg.
"I know. They are going to make an announcement." said Hamstress.
"I heard they are going to unveil a new flavor." said Gack.
"Ooh!" said Durger.
"Ah. Hm..." said Mugg.

Hamstress was right. Sippos Fruit Drink was in the news again the next day and their big announcement was that they were going to unveil a new flavor. They encouraged all their fruit drinky fans to start guessing what it could be. But they assured everyone that a few days from then that all would be revealed.

Piggy and Jorzolla, two siblings, got in a fight over guessing what it would be.

"Mom!! I think it's gonna be Passion Apple and Piggy says it's gonna Red Melon!!" said Jorzolla.
"Kids stop fighting. No one knows what it's gonna be yet." said Mom.

More announcements in anticipation came out from Sippos Fruit Drink.

"Our flavor technicians have been hard at work testing flavors to make sure that this new flavor is one of the newest and exciting additions to our flavor family! Stay tuned to find out what it is!" said the announcement from Sippos Fruit Drink. This only made people more interested. People at work talked about it too. The fun guessing game had really penetrated the cultural zeitgeist.

"I can't wait to try whatever the flavor they announce is going to be." said Monkeyman.
"I hear they put weird chemicals in there to get their flavor." said Dubs.
"Eh I don't know. Still tastes good." said Yiggles.
"Glug." said the water cooler they stood by.

Finally the big day had come. The president and spokesman for Sippos Fruit Drink, Jarry Honks approached the Sippose Fruit Press Headquarters podium. Photo bulbed snapped. People were eager to hear his announcement. Jerry Honks read from his prepared statement.

"Thank you for your continued interest and enthusiasm in Sippos Fruit Drink. Today is finally here. The day we announce our new flavor. I am as excited to announce it as surely you all are to try it."

Jarry Honks pointed to a drape on a pedestal and he gripped the drape.
"Without further ado I gave you..."
Jarry yanked the drape off to reveal a Sippos Fruit Drink bottle of
"Lime-Cherry."

The crowd applauded.
"Thank you. Thank you. Please enjoy." said Jarry Honks.

And people flocked out to try to new the flavor and it was pretty good.

Monday, August 10, 2015

The Big Hit Flirt

Ed rang up Bonnie. Bonnie picked up.

"Who who who are you you you?" said a Bonnie.
"Oh hi little poopoo." said Ed.

Their chemistry sparkled like fireworks off a dixie boat. They couldn't resist a banter of charm.

"Ooh it was Ed who said what you just said." said Bonnie.
"Funny, I was just thinkin' you're as sweet as honey." said Ed.
"Aw I was thinkin' you're sour like a flower!" said Bonnie.
"Ooh you sting me! Like a honeybee!" said Ed.
"It's because you're full of pollen, honeycomb." said Bonnie.

Then Ed cleared his throat.

"Alright, enough with the cutesy shit. I need you to knock a guy off for me." said Ed.
"Where's he live? Does he live alone? Is he up late hours? What's his schedule like? Does he have a dog? Does he own a gun? Who wants him dead?" said Bonnie, all business.

These were important questions. Bonnie got the information she needed and prepared for the dangerous hit. She awaited final instructions in her surveillance van. Ed was to have the final instructions of when to execute the hit delivered to the van, but Ed got whacked by the mark's people before he could deliver the info to Bonnie in the van.

Bonnie sat there in her hit van for hours just waiting and waiting. It started to get lonely. She checked her watch. She kept her eyes on the mark for the final go. The mark did all kinds of business, but Bonnie never got the final word.

"Stood up again?" said Bonnie.

Bonnie felt very rejected. She had really done herself up in full hit woman mode. The sun was starting to come up and she felt used and embarrassed. She thought about taking out the mark just because, but realized it was against her organization's sworn code to do such a thing without the final word. She slapped on her sad face, turned on the van and drove home and slept all day depressed.

The following week she received a call that Ed had been whacked and she didn't feel as bad about being stood up.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Pisshead's Birthday Mistake

Pisshead shit in his mouth on his birthday and his hairy mom was like "You always do that you dumb dudiot!"

But then his Alopecia mom was like "You can't call him dumb!"
"I can call him whatever I want I'm his mom!" said hairy mom.
"I chose to protect my child because I'm his mom!" said Alopecia mom.

Then Marsupial Dad walked up and was like "Hey Pisshead get in my pouch I'm your dad."
But the cops then showed up and said "Hey we think that's maybe child molestation." said the cops.
"It's my son and my body and I can do what I want!" said Marsupial Dad.

And Marsupial Dad stuck Pisshead in his weird Marsupial body pouch. Then the cops scratched their head because they thought the whole thing was kind of gross and icky but also they didn't know if it was wrong necessarily or if it was something they could or should interfere with. Ultimately they decided maybe it was best to step away.

Meanwhile Alopecia mom and hairy mom had started to escalate in their argument and it turned into a full on physical fight with lots of hair pulling, except since Alopecia mom didn't have any hair, hairy mom was getting the brunt of the hair pulling. Speaking of brunts there were lots of grunts going on when they fought.

"Oough!"
"Yow!"
"Argh!
"I'll get you!"

Then the cops who almost stoped Marsupial dad from sticking Pisshead in the pouch turned around and saw this commotion. They started throwing dollar bills on the ground, making bets and rooting for a winner.

"Yes!"
"Get em!"
"I hope that one wins!"
"This is kind of sexy I like two women fighting!"
"That has to be painful!"

Then Sweaty Cop stopped and spoke up.
"Hey! This is wrong we should be breaking this up. These two moms shouldn't be fighting!"

Then a tractor ran over Sweaty Cop and he died.

The Hessy Sinkle Disdain Bond

Loogart and Junny stood with cups of liquid in their hand at the clean cut gravel yard. Many gravel yard standers stood around.

"Love your thing." said Loogart.
"Thanks. You been good?" said Junny.
"Yes yes definitely." said Loogart.

Then Loogart and Junny were out of things to say. They searched and searched their minds. Then finally.

"Oh." thought Loogart.
"Did you hear about the gum smack channel that Hessy Sinkle was putting together?" asked Loogart.
"Yeah and I just have to say I think it's stupid." said Junny.
"Thank you!" said Loogart.
"Everyone keeps slurping up to Hessy Sinkle." said Junny.
"To me everything Hessy Sinkle touches turns to carbon!" said Loogart.
"Tell that to everyone who loves Hessy Sinkle."

Then Marple appeared.
"You guys talking about gum smack channel?" said Marple.
"Yes." said them.
"I'm whatever about gum smack but what I really can't stand is how Hessy Sinkle does that tail stitching thing." said Marple.
"It's gawky."
"Snip it already!"

Then Hunchie dropped in.
"I hate Hessy Sinkle's caramel socks."
"Me too!"
"Always hated that."
"It's pretentious and makes me feel like it thinks it's better than us."

Then Orvus strode in.
"Ya'll talkin' bout Hessy Sinkle? I've had enough of those stretchy bags that we can blame Hessy Sinkle for.
"They don't even work."
"I won't go near em."
"You had to try them to find out you didn't like them?"
"Yawn!"

Then Cucker drifted on by.
"Sup?" said Cucker.
"Hey Cucker, we're talking about Hessy Sinkle."
"Oh I love Hessy." said Cucker.

There was a brief pause amongst the group. Then a throat clearing.
"Hessy's great."
"I like how Hessy does what Hessy wants."
"I respect it."
"Hessy Sinkle was super nice to me."
"I think Hessy has great taste in parrot hair."

Cucker nodded. Cucker was very weighted in the shoulders and had a lot of power so no one wanted to disagree with Cucker.

"Interesting. Gotta run." said Cucker. Then Cucker left.

Loogart, Junny, Marple, Hunchie and Orvus were then scared to badmouth Hessy Sinkle after finding Cucker was such a fan so they stood around without anything to talk about.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Mutton Chop Hoghouse Needs

Down inna da deep dirt ditch down street inns Nu Dorlines, Weesiana sats a couple fellas they has some tiny disagreement. Will is they gon' work it out? Let find out and see.

Mutton Chop Hoghouse look at Dodo and say "You gon' eat dat steamay bowl o' chili?"

Dodo sit a dere with him steamay bowl o' chili. It right fronna he. But Dodo stay up to da wee hours so Dodo tired and Dodo doze off. But den when Mutton Chop Hoghouse assa bout Dodo steamay chili you betta baleez Dodo perk up.

"Oh dat my chili, you can't has my chili." say Dodo.
"Oh mama tease so bad, I wan dat chili." say Mutton Chop Hoghouse.
"Dids you wans dat chili coss it steamay?" say Dodo.
"Yahhh day why ah wan as dat steamay chili!" say Mutton Chop Hoghouse.
"Aww... I simmer thetic to ya plight, ya got tow boleeze me. But dis my steamay chili." say Dodo.

Mutton Chop Hoghouse stand up and rub on him own big belly. Den he go on and point at it for Dodo.

"You as see dis he ah big belly?" say Mutton Chop Hoghouse.
"Yee ah." say Dodo.
"Caz you tay it gonna need some chili?" say Mutton Chop Hoghouse.
"Yee ah." say Dodo.
"But you still no don gimme dat chili?!" say Mutton Chop Hoghouse.
"No naw am naw am't gona giz you dap chili steamay!" say Dodo.

Mutton Chop Hoghouse gasped.

"May camp't nabaleeze you tak o'n dat tone to me." say Mutton Chop Hoghouse.
"Well desabit time tall for desabit meezah!" say Dodo.
"Led be anness wid each over. You no gon' gimma day steamay chili cos you tank I's as irrespona'sobo wit da tasks in life." say Mutton Chop Hoghouse.

Dodo gasp!

"D'admit it!" say Mutton Chophouse!
"O'gay I gonfess... You clean up ya ak, be a betta dadda, getta chuch on time, do yah laundro, don' lee no mo pappahs and receeps layin' roun' onna flaw, and feed ya pet buhd onna regalah basis and maybe I gizz ya da steamay chili!!!!!" say Dodo.

Dis gon' hit on home hahd to Mutton Chop Hoghouse. He gon' do somethin' bout it. But now it too late ya see? Cos dat chili wain't steamy no mo... Will Mutton Chop Hoghouse still gonna clean up his act? We gots ah wait ana see.

Rudito's Big Life Decision

Rudito Farmigliano the stubby guy went to the sandwich shop.

"Lots of sandwiches." said the sandwich vendor.
"I want em." said Rudito.
"Which one." said vendor.
"Can't decide."
"Well let me know." said vendor.
"Gosh. The chicken or the tuna...."
"There's the meatball too."
"Oh now this complicates things even more."

These decisions were the hardest for Rudito because they were the most important in his life. He wanted to get it right to enjoy this moment. But he couldn't figure it out. He was standing there holding his putz trying to figure out what the hell to order. Just shaking his confused head with his ball and chain. The ball and chain wasn't his wife. Rudito was on parole and the ball and chain was part of his parole deal. He was on parole for whacking a guy in the head real hard. The guy didn't mind too much but the law did. He was also there with his wife whom he didn't love that much.

"Ugh my wife!"
"If ya don't like me, then leave me... on any curb. Thank you." said Marira the Wifey. She was a wisecracker.

Meanwhile Marira the Wifey was having an affair, and the affair was with a dullard named Carlolo the Studmuff, who had a great body, and he made it real shiny and sheen-like when they met up.

"You like my shapes don't you?" said Carlolo the Studmuff, every time.
"Yes." said Marira.
"I'm pretty fit, right?" he said.
"Yes." she said.

But Carlolo got real used to meeting up, so he stopped making it shiny because the affair meet up started turning into like a routine like a marriage. Marira obviously was bored too.

"Ugh my affair..." he'd whisper to himself.
"If ya don't like it go back to your wife." said Marira.

But Carlolo's actual marriage was boring too because he married Ritita the Wifey when he was young and she was a lady he thought he was in love with, but Ritita couldn't really talk to him real, she could only put on a show to make sure people thought she was interesting which made her very hard to talk to and she liked to talk about just herself and herself for a long time and because Carlolo also wasn't interesting he would just tune out and let her. Plus he was very into his shiny body. Sometimes in the beginning he would try to talk about himself to compete then he gave up and she talked about herself the most.

Anyway it was Carlolo that got whacked in the head real hard by Rudito, and that's because Carlolo found out about the affair. Rudito didn't really care either though because he was bored with his wife, who was bored with Carlolo who was bored with his wife, who was boring but thought she was interesting. He just whacked Carlolo out of routine because that's what he thought he was supposed to do when he caught his wife having an affair. Everyone was stuck in a routine and everyone stayed that way and where they were and Rudito had to drag a literal ball and chain around to the sandwich shoppe.

Rudito eventually went with the tuna but changed to meatball and the very last second.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Mintmouth Says Goodbye

Mintmouth was was like "Someone kiss me pleeeeease!!!"

And the mint fanatics came running! It was chaos. It was madness. They wanted that minty kiss.

But first let me rewind a bit. Mintmouth was a huge star with all the potential and acclaim someone could dream of. But he was shrouded by protection always. This was a new thing for him. The mint leaves grew from his gums. And his mouth was always smacking on some gum. Fresh, fresh, fresh smells. Everyone wanted a sniff and a whiff and a kiss. Boy what a talent he was!

In recent months Mintmouthmania had taken off, making it difficult for Mintmouth to function properly. He couldn't go sit on the merry-go-round and read a newspaper clipping like he used to be able to. But, with all his success he was able to buy his own merry-go-round and sit on it with his newspaper clipping all in his home. He couldn't walk around sticking his pinky deep in his ear without someone taking a picture and criticizing it. But he could do it in his big fancy home.

"It'sth noth theh sthame..." he said. Mintmouth had a speech impediment.

Things started getting dark.
"Mintmouth I wanna be you!" said fan kid.
"No you don'th thkid." said Mintmouth.

So now let's go back forward. That's why Mintmouth was like "Someone kiss me pleeeease!!!" out in public. To all his adoring wild fans. It was ploy for self destruction. Mintmouth was kissed to death and trampled by all those Mintmaniacs wanting to get a little taste. What he was really saying was "Someone KILL me pleeeeeeease."

He had purposefully thrown in the towel. He couldn't take the heat. It was too hot.

"I can'th take the heath, Jerry." he told Jerry his confidante, shortly before he took his final plunge to trambledom. Jerry was a snake who wouldn't listen. Jerry just wanted the money!

"Minty, baby, you got the smooches, you got the kisses, you got the goods. Everyone wanna piece and you're gonna be legendary, ain't it worth bein' legendary. Hey you like dairy? How abouts I got gets us some cheese crunchers them's a good snacky and we'll chomp em up but it won't affect you cuz you got that golden minty mouth. I miss my mom." said Jerry.

Jerry mentioned missing his mom cuz he knew this would tug at Mintmouth's heartstrings and Mintmouth would keep Jerry around because of sentimental stuff. Mintmouth also killed himself because a more dirty image guy, Cheesenose, was starting to come up and be big time.

The boulevard that Mintmouth died was named after him. But then Cheesenose also took a nosedive from grace and the whole distract was named after Cheesenose.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Crummy's Spit Bucket

Crummy had a bucket of spit. He wanted someone to sip it.

"Hey wanna sip on this bucket of spit, hehe?" said Crummy.
"No ewww you gross grub toucher!" said Motano.
"Darn." said Crummy.

Crummy walked with his bucket of spin all over town. Up the hills and around the mountains and through the gates and past the true believers and onto the promised land and back to the trenches and behind the walls of glory and into the womb of humanity.

Nowhere could he find a person who would sip a bucket of spit. He tried reasoning with people.

"If you do it it would be neat, hehe!" said Crummy.
"No I think you're a scuzzy needlehead!" said Horace.
"Shoot." said Crummy.

Crummy splattered a little bit of the spit on the sidewalk by accident.

"Oh no, not that spit! I wanted it in my bucket." said Crummy. Then Crummy cried.
"Oh no, booo hooo. I lost some spit and I wanted the bucket to be full and also have someone take a sip of it."

Then the Fairy showed up.

"Why what's wrong Crummy?" said the Fairy.
"Boo hoo hiss piss I wanted someone to sip this bucket of spit and I lost some spit and it hurts my heart." said Crummy.
"Why don't you spit in it to add more spit?" said the Fairy.
"Hey you're a genius I never thought of that." said Crummy.

Then Crummy spent hours spitting in the bucket of spit to get more spit in it.

"Boo hoo I'm sad again because still no one will sip it." said Crummy. Then the Fairy came back.
"Why don't you sip it?" said the Fairy.
"Hey good idea... I never thought of doing that." said Crummy.

Then he took a sip of the spit. "Ew it tastes wet. And it's gross." said Crummy.
"That was gross." he said again. Then he pointed his mouth to the side of his face and thought.
"Well I guess it's on to the next thing." said Crummy.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

John Jiggler

John Jiggler walked into the dance house party and they were playin' the most boppin' tune and he bopped so hard to it.

"Hey don't bop here!" said the bouncing baby boy.
John Jiggler stopped. "Who do you think you are?" said John Jiggler.
"I'm the bouncing baby boy! I kick you out when you do wrong!"
"But boppin' ain't wrong." said John Jiggler.
"Too bad, I'm a baby! Now lemme see your ID." said the bouncing baby boy.

John Jiggler left and he was mad cuz he was in a boppin' mood. He sat around kicked and spit and shook his fists and he said damnit. Then he called his mommy.

"Mommy I'm so mad I can't bop. It's what I wanted to do."
"Well you have to do something else instead I guess, dear."
"Aw man, mom."
"Yep." said mom.

John Jiggler thought. Then he scratched his head too hard and his scalp kinda bled a little. Pretty gross. It wasn't too bad though, but it would sting when he shampooed later. Anyway so he thought and pouted, then his nice mommy's advice rang true.

"Yes it's time to do something else."

So he went to a jumpin' joint to dance up. He walked in and they were janglin' a tune. He started scootin' and a skittin'.

"Hey watch out for this feller he's a real bedlamite!" said the barkeep Honky Cutlass
"Yah!" said Pam the hard workin' backup dancer with a heart of silver.
"I kinda like it though. I won't stop him or nothin." said Honky.

This bar's bouncing baby boy came up and started crying. But it was cuz he needed a diaper change. Meanwhile John Jiggler was scootin' up a storm, the weather guy walked in with his news crew.

"Wow the forecast is that a storm's a comin' take cover!" said the meteorologist.

Then John Jiggler started cuttin' thru the rug and cuttin' thru the floor and thru the earth's crust toward it's core and it struck oil and everyone was like "We're rich!" then it struck lava and it burned up John Jiggler, but he didn't have to worry about the scratch on his scalp burning in the shower, then the lava came up and burned up most of the town. But historians named the town Jiggletown and maybe it was a coincidence.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Brone Droner Gives Down

Brone Droner was beat down by life and wife and son and gun and gum and chum.

"Don'tcha wanna get up and take me by the honches??" said life.
"Mo..." said Brone.
"Don't you wanna do the dishes and be a good husband?" said wife.
"Mo..." said Brone.
"Don't you wanna teach me my homework?" said son.
"Meh." said Brone.
"Don't you wanna protect your home and family from me?" said bad guy intruder.
"Mar..." said Brone.
"Aw man cmon." said gun.
"Do you wanna chew on me already?" said the stiff gum that sat in his mouth.
"Mrrr..." said Brone.

Then the stiff gum just rested in his teeth.

"Knock knock knock." said the door.
Nothing said Brone. He sat there.

"Do you wanna answer me?" said the door.
"Mo..." said Brone.
"Hey it's me Gecker!" said his friend Gecker from the other end of the door.
"Hey Gecker." said Brone.

Brone wasn't as beat down by Gecker so it wasn't as difficult to response.

"Say, wanna go fishin'? I got 2 rods and a bucket of chum!" said Gecker.
"Mmmoh mm..." said Brone.
"Aw man, ya let me down." said Gecker.
"M'm tired of all you." said Brone.

"Awwwww." said life and Mom and son and gun and gum and door and Gecker and chum. And the intruder who was watching TV before he planned on taking it.

"I like this show." said the intruder.
"Mot so much you, Gecker." said Brone.
"Oh. Well that's a relief." said Gecker from behind the door.

Then Brone kept doing not much and sitting around and the people and things around him made best the best they could and then some more time passed and it turned out that Brone was actually not the good guy in the story he was the bad guy the whole time.

"Mmy think mm the good guy..." he thought to himself.