Movies that Josh Fadem watches.

The Tale of Travelin' Grime.

2010-11-08T14:56:00.000-08:00

Grime was on the ground and he was stuck to it. He basically relied on people to step on him so he could get around. But boy did he get around when he got around. Also when he got around he’d have little pieces of him left behind, often w/ a slimy grimy stringy separation. But what he’d lose he’d pick up somewhere else, off the bottom of some shoe or from wind blowing some piece of krap onto him that would then be classified as part of Grime.

Smile was a phony. Total phone balone. He showed up and was debonair and smooth talky.

“Hey Grime, lemme make you a deal. I’ll sell you this krap that will clean ya up and everyone will see ya as clean!” Said Smile.

“What? Don’t you understand that basically all I am is ‘not clean’. So if I clean my ‘not clean’ then I am literally nothing. Plus I'm already mostly krap so why do I need more krap? What? Am I gonna rub krap on krap and make krap disappear?” Grime said all that in kind of grizzled sort of grimy voice, by the way. In case you heard it differently.

Smile was devious because sometimes he was genuine and sometimes he was a she. That’s right Smile was a woman too. Nevermind that though. I’ll keep calling him a he. Sometimes he was genuine and sometimes you couldn’t tell if he was trying to get something from you.

Grime was miserable a lot, but he had nothing to hide. He was well traveled so even though you wouldn’t wanna give him a hug all the time, he might be important to have around because he can tell some tales. He’s experienced some hardcore stuff. One time he was scraped off something living and flung through the air, kicked around, then sat miserably for like 8 months, then scraped off, scrubbed off and then stepped on again and sat in a closet. Somewhere in there was a breast. Not sure how he got to wherever he is not, but I know he’s not in a closet.

One time Grime had to challenge Smile to a duel and he got to show his true colors. Yellow teeth. A grimace. Grime realized and so did Smile, that Grime and Smile weren’t so different. Behind Smile was actually some of Grime. And they realized they must be from the same place because their names kind of sound the same. And now the lesson that you just learned is that you should rub grime on your face.

Muscle-Bound Ira!

2010-11-07T21:25:00.001-08:00

Muscle-Bound Ira didn’t have glasses and wasn’t a body builder. Oh shit, you ask, what the hell was he? He was just a regular guy. But he kicked some serious butt, right? Nope. Nope. Well he must have been a real bookish dork though, huh? I mean “Ira”? Cmon. Nah, huh-uh, he was well read but not like devoid of communication skills or anything. Well he probably was a real nebbish. Nah he seemed pretty level headed and that’s because he was. Well he probably got picked on a lot when he was young, that’s what forced him to become muscle-bound. No, no, he had a regimented eating and exercise and sleep schedule so he was always in pretty good shape. He also avoided drugs and only drank on special occasions. Well did he clean house in the babe department? He wasn’t a womanizer or anything if that’s what you’re wondering, no. Did he feel the urge to prove his masculinity to himself? Like I said… He saw some people, had some relationships. Some didn’t work out. Parted on good terms. Still friends, all nice people. Was he ever worried about his future? Making ends meet? Muscle-Bound Ira just stayed focused on his goals, but not to the point of exertion and exhaustion. He supplemented his free time w/ plenty of hobbies. You know, Chess, Checkers, Stencil, Drawing. Shit. Well surely he’s bound for a nervous breakdown. I mean look at this guy! No, he’s not nervous breakdown-bound, he’s muscle bound. Goddamnit. I’ll bet he had strict parents and they beat him into this mold of society’s idea of like that perfect behaving man. He’s bound to burst any second. His parents were loving people and he’s not burst-bound, he’s Muscle-Bound. Well did he ever use those muscles for anything awesome? Like beating up a bully? No he studied Tai-Chi and has always been a good talker, why do you want Muscle-Bound Ira to have such a dark side. Tai-Chi? Ha! So he’s some New Age weirdo. Can’t stand those people. He’s not a character in a story that needs to have some sort of conflict. But everyone has some sort of conflict! Not Muscle-Bound Ira, he’s balanced very well. Perfectly? No, no one’s perfect. Ira has to have some sort of conflict, HE HAS TO! Otherwise no one is interested in hearing about him! Well maybe that’s what’s interesting about him? I hate Muscle-Bound Ira… I hate him. His life seems so goddamned perfect. I owe a lone shark two thousand dollars, my mother doesn’t speak to me, and I’m noticing this thing that is an odd-shaped mole on my shoulder. But can’t afford doctor bills. Why isn’t anyone making a story about me? One day I hope to meet this Muscle-Bound Ira. I will make his life a living dying hell! Just, like mine! Oh that’s very nasty. Shut up. You have a poor attitude- I’m going to leave you to yourself.

Tony the Schmuck...

2010-10-23T15:33:00.001-07:00

Tony the Schmuck kicked a bucket half full of paint and the bucket went flying into the air and doused him and a doggie w/ yellow paint. Don’t worry the doggie didn’t get it on his eyes or anything, Tony the Schmuck was covered and the bucket bonked him on the head. Then he slipped on the remaining paint that didn’t land on him, one of those classic slips where all four of his limbs are flailing in the air and he lands on his back. Just as he landed a really strong elderly man walked by and tripped on Tony the Schmuck’s leg. The strong elderly man picked up Tony by the collar and said “you dumb son of a bitch, I tripped on you, can’t you see I’m an elder? Watch where you’re going!” then the muscle bound geriatric friend slammed him into the wall two times. When he slammed him in the first time, he said “And THAT’S for getting paint on my nice old man sweater!” the second time he slammed him, he completely threw him through the wall, which turned out to be a tool shed barn type thing. “And THAT’S for—“ But we didn’t get to hear what the second thing was for because the strong old man threw him through the wall. Tony fell into the a pile of hay, but there was a needle in it that poked his butt and he stood up real fast and said “Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop!” until he stepped on a spot that he thought was more barn hay, but it turned out to be a booby trap to an underground tunnel w/ rocks, cans of fire, a couple of animal bones, and a broken trampoline so he couldn’t spring out. His yellow painted shirt got caught on a splintered wood board in the barn floor when he fell so he ripped his shirt off. He did not have a very sexy body. The pit was filled w/ an axe-wielding crazy grunting maniac w/ arm-shackles, a plaid flannel shirt, and raw beef on his face. As well as a lot of friendly sexy bikini ladies so he was both frightened and turned on at the same time. Then Tony escaped by accidentally bumping into a can of flames, because he’s a clumsy Schmuck, and setting the scary screaming beefman on fire. Tony remembered this whole being turned on and scared at the same time thing and wrote a hit screenplay using those conceits. He made so much money that he now has a very nice car. He’s still a schmuck but people give him respect because he was able to buckle down and turn his experiences into cha-ching. Also they are schmucks too. Everyone’s a Schmuck! Ha ha ha ha! Schmuckocalypse! Except the dog with yellow paint on him.

Chunky Judy You Should Know Better...

2010-09-09T00:57:00.000-07:00

Chunky Judy was a man. But she, I mean HE was pissed because his name was Judy then to make matters worse he went and got all chunky. Not like fat, I mean he was big, like naturally, but I mean chunky like chunks in the body, you know? I hope you know what I mean. It’s like when someone just has a real specific body type. Gosh, it sure is hard not calling someone named Judy “she”. Even when you know he is a he. This is where our story begins...

Chunky Judy would get so sensitive if people would call him a her or a she that he would threaten them. Tiny Lester one day at the grown-up playground was like "Haha Chunky Judy you make me wanna call you a she despite your natural masculinity." Chunky Judy got so mad that he told Tiny Lester that that was it! He said “that’s it!” He told Tiny Lester that he was going to give him a hard hug. A hard hug from Chunky Judy is not an affectionate hug. It’s like if Chunky Judy said “I’m gonna sit on you I’m heavy.” Like I said Chunky Judy’s not heavy per se. Just Chunky. So now Tiny Lester got hard hugged, he was in bad shape. The authorities and the principal of the grown-up world said “You better get into my office, Chunky Judy!” Chunky Judy took off, ran. Principal Dincipal turned to the authorities and said “Get her in my office.” They corrected him and said “Uh, remember Chunky Judy is a he, Principal Dincipal.” Then Principal Dincipal said oh yeah.

Chunky Judy’s now on the lamb, She-fuck-HE is now driving in a convertible listening to country music and picking up hitchhikers. But none try to get fresh, for fear of the famous, well NOW famous Chunky Judy Trademark Hard Hug of Legend. That’s right, 2 things. One is that once a hitchhiker tried to get fresh with Chunky Judy, do some stuff that Judy wasn’t into, he tried to get sexy w/ Chunky Judy. You know some of those road drifters are out looking for that sort of thing, maybe they didn’t feel like they could pursue that sort of lifestyle in their hometowns so they had to go on the road for it, maybe they read about it in some freeform poetry book or something. And two, remember how I mentioned that Chunky Judy’s Trademark Hard Hug is now famous and something of legend? Well that’s because when Chunky Judy hit the road after hardhugging Tiny Lester, Tiny Lester took that painful experience and capitalized on it. He wrote a whole story about his overcoming the repercussions of the Hard Hug and made a lot of money. Now Chunky Judy is very pissed because he wants a piece of his own action. He’s broke and on the road and getting felt up by drifters and not liking it at all, but secretly he does like it because he’s very repressed in the homosexual nature. Don’t you think he’d just change his name, otherwise? It can’t be that hard. He likes the struggle of saying he hates it and not wanting to change it. Work out your issues Chunky Judy, it’s okay. Chunky Judy heard me say that and he took “work out your issues” completely the wrong way. He showed up at Tiny Lester’s high security plus fancy marble mansion, which was guarded by Dobermans, or should I say Dobermen? Tiny Lester is very powerful now. Chunky Judy thought killing Tiny Lester would solve his problems but Lester people made Chunky Judy die. Such a tragic end for Chunky Judy. So misunderstood and so prone to misunderstanding.

Bobby at School

2010-04-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

Bobby was a kid at school who was cute but he was trying to be cool so that means he’s in the not cool group and people don’t notice he’s cute. Except the smart ones, because the cool ones are always the dumb ones who grow up to get wrinkled before everyone else. Bobby would walk down the halls and people would throw wads of paper at him, hoot and holler and he would yell back like “Aw shut up! I’m tough too! I’m tough too!” Along the way to class as he’d walk past the shitheads that he yelled with, he’d quiet up when he’d pass Isabelle at her locker. She’s a messy frazzled little thing. But sweet. And they’d stop and stare at each other and do that thing where people look up and down and shift from foot to foot. Then Bobby would remember he was cool, even though he wasn’t, and walk off hoping no one saw him talking to dusty ol’ Isabelle (who was very cute in like a European messy sort of way, but when you’re young like that you don’t really understand what’s pretty if it’s not the tough guy’s bimbo babe or Kathy Ireland or whoever is the famous babe of the day).

One day Bobby got in a car accident and had to walk down the hall on crutches. He still got a good amount of hootin’ and hollerin from the will-be-ugly-someday shitheads. So on down the hall he passes by Isabelle at her locker, and even though Bobby is all mangled and mussed, it’s still the same thing. Bobby snubs her! Bobby what a schmuck you are. He’s got some more mistakes to make I guess. You probably thought I was going to say that he learned his lesson from that car accident and now he and Isabelle are gonna get to know each other and explore the youthful chemistry that Bobby seems to deny. But you forget these folks are just kids, kids don’t know anything about learning from experience. Actually they’re not kids, they’re dogs! Bobby’s my dog and he didn’t get in a car accident he got neutered so now he’s miserable w/ a cone on his head because he wants to lick his penis. And Isabelle is a name I made up for a little dog that is nice to him when he walks down the street, but you get what I’m saying. The End.

Rrrghgrrhr.

2010-02-04T13:44:00.000-08:00

Rrrghgrrhr was the first caveman to think about why he got bored. If you were a person in caveman time you would get so bored of all the cavemen because they are all acting the same and no one thinks to say in caveman language “Hey this cave sucks let’s decorate it!” or “Hey that waterfall is pretty, do you mind if I admit that I think it is pretty?”

Well Rrrghgrrhr thought about these things. While all the other cavemen humped, killed, and screamed at things with careless glee, Rrrghgrrhr did it with a hint of indifference.

Also in caveman time cavepeople covered themselves in feces and jumped around a lot making “Woop! Woop!” noises. Of course you know the story that has been passed down from caveperson to caveperson to stupid person to stupid person to person to you and me about how cavesters hit their women on the head to do it with ‘em. I think that was not the only way cavepeople did it with each other. The men also threw rocks at their cave dingdongs before they figured out to put 'em in the cave ladies. And before that they tried putting their cave dingalings in the cave ladies’ knees. That didn’t work.

Anyway, Rrrghgrrhr was a bored caveperson. He invented boredom. He also thought about inventing the “kiss” because before people just went “Unnghrghhh” instead of kissing. But he could never figure out the proper equation. It was a Bible guy and King Arthur that would later use Rrrghgrrhr’s theories on mouth touching to invent the kiss.

One day Rrrghgrrhr got impaled by an extinct animal’s tusk and rode off a mountain to his death. There is no way of knowing if it was suicide out of boredom or just stupidity because he was still very stupid.

Gustav the Juicer

2010-02-03T17:58:00.000-08:00

Gustav new to this country. He very excited to meet friends that are not animal with horns. He come here know no one want to get a job at juice house. So many things that are great about juice. Here are the great things: Make you strong. Make you virile. Have many natural colors of the prism. Smell good make you smell good. Taste good.

Gustav find a nice place to make juice and come up with new combination of juice to drink. No one think to combining this juices! So original! True artist! Gustav is not boss, he have a boss, the boss have long hair for a man, Gustav not used to this, but he accepting of all people, so happy to be here! Opportunity.

Gustav love the juicer.
“Buzz buzz buzz” says the machine!

Be careful though, this juicer is old and does no have the protective guard for you hands that newer version have. But everyone know if you want to taste the love in the juice you have to use old machine. Love is danger! Just like childhood woman with large arm breast. Cannot breathe.

Gustav still no meet lot people in city. That okay because he just meet someone! He meet three people! Costas, Alexander, and Big Harry. These guys into such great business love to make money for people. Always good friend to rely on. So great! Gustav treat like family. He give them juice combine you never even think of. Taste so good compliment the chef. In fact this guys now best friend to Gustav.

One night for business that is very honest and good, Big Harry come to juice shop late at night where Gustav sleep. They are dealings in completely honest business transaction very good for whole family. But Big Harry’s have new friend Tony Rizzo. Rizzo nice man I can tell. He friend of Big Harry. Big Harry say he need private alone time for honest business talk with Rizzo. Gustav no mind he go in other room. Gustav sit eat some wheat and tap toe. Sudden he hear big crash bang. He go in blending room. Why is nice Rizzo trying to hurt Big Harry? “This is my friend!” he think. Big Harry being strangle by Rizzo. Big Harry point at gun on table.

“Gustav! Help me! Shoot this greasy motherfucker!” cry Harry.

Gustav force to shoot Rizzo because he is less new good friend. This no stop him only stun. Rizzo very strong, probably drink juice. Now Big Harry have upper hand. Gustav help Big Harry. Big Harry turn on old blender and put Rizzo face right into the juice while Gustav hold Rizzo hands not know this what will happen. Now Rizzo have been juiced. This not what Gustav want. He only want juice fruit. Not friend. So upset. Big Harry run away take sleeping Rizzo with him. Gustav clean up mess he no see this friend again.

Robby's Friends - Part I

2010-02-03T03:04:00.000-08:00

Robby was so in love with this girl. She was fat, but so was he so you know they’re both good-hearted people. Anyway, she wasn’t in love with Robby so much. She was secretly in love with this more good looking fat guy. He was more slick and stuff. It wasn’t like she did anything wrong. She just fell harder for this other guy. Robby just didn’t have everything she needed. No one’s a bad guy here. And by the way, when I say “fat” I don’t mean like super fat. Just like regular sized people who look like they’re from the Midwest.

So fast forward to a few years later. Robby is much thinner, but he’s still not more good looking than the slick fat guy. He’s also still alone and hung up on the girl. One day he’s walking in a not so great neighborhood and he witnesses a drive-by on a taco stand. He was just thinking about eating a taco too! In a second I will reveal that it was just an initiation drive-by shooting w/ blanks and there was no one at the taco stand. So a bunch of doods roll back around and get out their ride surveying the taco stand congratulating each other. “Nice Job” “We really shot it up good!” “I feel very good about our work tonight.”

“Hey you guys that was scary! What were you thinking!?” said Robby.

“Hi there, we’re the Crips we’re a tough gang!”

“Well I’m Robby and I was just walking around here and feeling sad.”

“Hey man, why you got to feel sad? Is it about a bitch?”

“Yeah I guess so.”

So Robby and the Crips became very good unlikely friends.

Then Robby was walking down a street one time and he met some Bloods on accident and they started talking about Basketball Cards and became friends. The Crips found out and were like “Hey we don’t like those guys, that’s not so nice that you are becoming friends with them, you know we’re enemies right?” Robby felt like he was really stuck in between a rock and another rock like place because it didn’t seem fair that one group of friends would tell him that he couldn’t be friends w/ another group of friends. Not to mention he was still lonely, although the Crips did have some very good girl advice for him.

To Be Continued…

Edgar.

2010-02-02T15:04:00.000-08:00

Edgar rolled out of bed and scratched his balls, but didn’t wash his hands for the rest of the day. He had a dog but forgot to feed it. The dog was still nice though.

“Ruff” it said to the mailman.

So more about Edgar. He was in a shitty mood, because he had a wife 7 years ago and she treated him badly. She cheated on him. Lied. Gave him Herpes. And divorced him and because he’s lazy and disorganized she managed to get a lot of his money. Also after he was divorced he dated one person and slept with her during a Herpes outbreak and didn’t tell her. Then she got herpes. She was pissed. He probably felt bad, but didn’t really react because what’s he going to do, he already hates himself. Anyway so he’s alone.

Somedays he calls his mom to leave her a message and whine about how he has no money. She has lots of money. He hopes she’ll die. Today specifically was a not too unusual day for Edgar. He went to a restaurant and ordered a sandwich in a nonspecific way. A Rueben at a Gutterman’s Diner. Gutterman’s is known for making the best Corned Beef Ruebens. Signs all over. "Try our corned beef Reuben!" "Best Reuben in town!" "Zagat’s loves our Reuben w/ Corned Beef specifically". So fuckin’ Edgar comes here and says “Gimme the Reuben.” They bring him their famous Reuben. And what does this shitbrain do? He sends it back because he wanted Pastrami. “I wanted Pastrami!” Even though he didn’t specify. On the way back to his car he keyed someone else’s because he hates himself and is lonely.

The End.

I resurface in the blogworld for the hell of it

2010-02-02T14:54:00.000-08:00

Well it's been 2 and a half years since I've touched this thing. I was digging in my drawers past all the panties that I wear and aspirin bottles I've gone through and wouldn't you know, laying underneath some old high school yearbooks, I found this blog!

So as I mentioned in my subject heading, I resurface to find all the people that never read it 3 years ago! But maybe people will gradually find it and skim through it. Like YOU, person reading this, months after I posted it! Rather than reviewing movies and trying to be all David Bordwelling of tears, or Leonard Maltshake, or Rex Reed a book ya dope, or Elvis Mitchell out and smoke a j bro, and try to be all movie critic and websitey. I'll write little stories and the title of the blog can still be justified because they are like wonderful little movies that I watch IN MY IMAGINATION!!! Isn't that IMAAAGINATION WONDERFUL?

So here's a short story I wrote yesterday. I'll post it in a separate post. For POSTerity.

I barely remember a giallo I saw.

2007-08-23T03:47:00.000-07:00

Cold Eyes of Fear - directed by Enzo G. Castellari

Usually I love pictures directed by the underrated & under-the-radar Enzo Castellari. His films are stylish & sleazy & often kick some serious ass. I think he's extremely creative. This one is considered his only entry in the giallo genre, & while stylish it is also quite dull.... frowny frown. It's just that I can't remember what the hell it's about. I watched it then once it was over I was like oh...did I watch that? I think it's about a couple or something (the lady's the guy's mistress?) that don't like each other & then this guy comes over & he's a dirt bag & then a cop comes over & the couple's thinkin' "oh thank god" but the dirtbag's like "don't try nothin!". Then the man's like "okay I won't." but he tries somethin anyway & the cop knocks him out & dirtbag's like "ha ha!" & the cop's like "i'm a bad guy, dumbass!" somethin' like that. I think they all want money.

I can't complain TOO hard, it's nice looking, & it's got a great Morricone score, which is always an exciting plus for me, personally. I'd recommend it as a crime heavy giallo drama, (as opposed to suspenseful murderer one) specifically to fans of the genre, because most giallos are rather boring, in my opinion. You really have to dig for the awesome ones. (also, that's NOT to say that if you hear of a giallo marathon to not invite me, asshole! just kidding you're not an asshole.) The opening sequence is so cool & a great example of how fun Castellari is to watch. I'LL SPOIL IT IF YOU KEEP READING...it's not really a bad spoiler because it's at the beginning, but what happens is, this girl is being naked & sexy & then a dood comes up w/ a knife & is planning on stabbing her...or maybe she stabs him...i actually forgot, then they take off their clothes. But the big reveal is the camera zooms out to reveal an applauding crowd, we've been watching a stage show. awesome! Then we're suddenly in some swinging club w/ the Ennio Morricone music.

I watched a bunch of stuff again.

2007-08-03T12:44:00.000-07:00

Charlie Chaplin Mutuals

We showed 6 Chaplin films that he made w/ Mutual @ the Silent Movie Theatre. I'm not going to recap them but they're all great. This period is considered one of Chaplin's strongest because he was really coming into his own as a filmmaker, his Tramp character had developed quite a bit & he knew it quite well, & he was granted total creative freedom w/o fat ol' Mack Sennett breathin' down his ass. These films were made between 1916 & 1917. If you watch them pay special attention to Eric Campbell. He's Chaplin's heavy & plays the villian in almost all of them. He died in 1917--car crash. He & Chaplin had great chemistry & Chaplin preferred Campbell as the heavy because they played well together. There is a really fantastic documentary on Eric Campbell called Chaplin's Goliath. Check it out. Also check out the other 6 Mutuals at the Silent Movie Theatre this month on August 19th.

-The Floor Walker
-The Vagabond
-Easy Street
-The Cure
-The Immigrant
-The Adventurer

Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks - directed by Robert Oliver

I saw this at the monthly Grindhouse Festival at the New Beverly. (ps please support the New Beverly it's always fun, even when the movies aren't so good) As for this movie... sucked. it's about uhhh like a boring castle & maybe someone wants to touch some boobs or something... & there's a caveman & a pissed off dwarf & they do bad shit...i already forgot, this one was boring, don't bother watching it....unless you're into bad Harry Novak produced 70s horror w/ frilly period costumes along w/ 70s sideburns. Oh I do remember one scene I liked. Dr. Frankenstein has this sexy stupid scared woman & he's got one of his monsters on the table & he's testing the monster's reactions to things so he's like "Suzy"---I don't remember if the character's name is Suzy or not but I'll call her that-- "Suzy, I'm going to kiss you in front the monster to test his jealousy instincts" or something like that. So he kisses the babe & the monster's like "rrawroooh!" & then Dr. F's like "Suzy I'm gonna rough you up & slap you to test his protective angry instincts." or something. Then he starts slappin' Suzy & the monster gets pissed. But the monster's tied to the table so he can't do anything about it. That was the only scene where I looked up & was like "orrwoohh!" Maybe there's a parallel w/ the the monster & the audience about that scene. That scene in the movie was like "Hey Movie, I'm going to test Josh's interest by putting a slightly interesting scene in & seeing if he reacts." so they put that good scene, then they were like "Now I'm gonna test to see how he reacts to boring shit." & I got bored. It's also the only movie this director directed.

Timerider - directed by William Dear

This movie has Fred Ward....the dreamy Fred Ward... as a guy whose name they keep repeating over & over in the beginning of the movie. Swann!!! Swann is a buttkickin' bikerider & he rides his bike to a spot where they're doing experiments & boring exposition I wasn't really listening to. Anyway their little science project has a quick hiccup & Swann is standing in the wrong spot & gets shot back to the old west where the bad guys love his bike! The title implies that he's going to ride through time...at least I imagined lots of time, but he really only rides to one time. Oh yeah this movie was cowritten & produced by Mike Nesmith of The Monkees! He also did a kickass synthy rock score. SPOILERS THAT YOU SHOULD READ ANYWAY: Swann has sex w/ this major babe who we later find out is his great great granny. Also, they set up a monkey early in the movie like it's gonna be important & then they never show it again!!! what the krap!

The Sleuth - directed by Joe Rock (but really Stan Laurel I bet!)

This is a Stan Laurel solo silent short film. I'd like to just say that I think Stan Laurel is genius. Sure everyone loves him, but I think he's AS GOOD AS Chaplin & Keaton. Better than Harold Lloyd. I've watched a lot of his solo stuff, there's a DVD set of them, check it out. Before he teamed up w/ Oliver Hardy, he did lots of shorts on his own & had a very specific brand of "crazy humor" which, if viewed now, come off quite modern & silly. But physically he's amazing too & I think he didn't always showcase himself in Laurel & Hardy as he did on his own. Anyway, The Sleuth is wacky & ridiculous & has a lot of silly gags that are fun to watch. & Stanley's physical comedy is brilliant. There's also some funny "dummy humor". This short was shown because he poses as a woman & we showed it before a Harry Langdon feature film where Langdon dresses as a woman.

That's My Wife - a Laurel & Hardy silent

This is a Laurel & Hardy silent short. In this one Ollie keeps ignoring his wife & she leaves him but that means he won't get the money that his uncle was going to give to him. He has to be married. So he makes Stan dress up like a woman (again) so he'll get the money. I love this shit, it's funny--what more do you want!? (also shown before the Langdon feature).

The Chaser - directed by Harry Langdon

Even Harry Langdon's son, Harry Langdon Jr., who introduced this film said that it wasn't one of his best. Langdon directed it himself, presumably because he'd burned a few bridges w/ the folks who made his career. I have seen a few of his films, his schtick seems to primarily be that he's cute. Baby faced. Awww! Perhaps the silent movie equivalent of Jimmy Fallon. The film is about how Harry is given a court order to wear a dress & act like a woman. There's some silly stuff in it, but it really goes on a little & it's unfortunately slightly forgettable. It's interesting of note that he spends most of the movie in a dress. So the visual absurdity of it is pretty interesting...other than that not a lot. A fellow wrote kind of a mean but good review of it here on IMDB.

Rambo: First Blood Part II - directed by George P. Cosmatos

In this movie shit blows up. A lot. Like a lotta shit. Blowing up. What happens in this movie is Rambo's cheerleader, Richard Crenna, comes to visit Rambo at his prison place & tells him he's got a get outta jail free mission. All he's gotta do is go do this hard shit where he takes pictures. Rambo's like hmm okay. Then Charles Napier tells him the details because he's the main guy in charge. Rambo goes to do the mission & he finds a POW--which wasn't expected. & they're about to pick him up & then Charles Napier turns into a big meanie & is like "mimimimi abort the mission!" & the copter leaves Ramby clear in the dust! Boy does Rambo get pissed. & because Richard Crenna keeps telling us that Rambo is an unstoppable badass, we get to see Rambo kickass & blow stuff up real hard in order for him to free the POWs & get back to base...or the place..or wherever. Gosh, I had some other things about this movie I really wanted to touch on...but I watched it a like week ago & I guess it just didn't stick w/ me hard enough.

The main thing of note is the difference between the filmmakers' intention of how audience is supposed to feel during this movie & during the first movie, First Blood. First Blood is about what happens when a "trained killer", taught to not have feelings, is oddly placed back into society & forced into a situation where he can either express his feelings, (which he doesn't know how to do) or he can retaliate. The drama is similar to that of watching a helpless kid get picked on. The country made him the way he is & they are not dealing w/ the psychological & social ramifications war has on people's lives. As a result you get post-war Rambo fucking up rednecks who fucked w/ him. Who is responsible? Rambo, who doesn't know how to get reintegrated in a society that he feels doesn't want him? Or the government, who went to war & made him the way he is, made him feel he was being heroic, then shat him out--w/o ever training him for "social combat"? First Blood is a very smart movie that poses some very intelligent/important questions. In Rambo: First Blood Part II, the important questions asked are "Hey, remember that badass lead dood from First Blood? What would happen if you placed that dood in some serious combat & pissed him off?" The answer is: a popcorn blockbuster w/ lots of shit blowing up! It's a completely different movie w/ completely different intentions.

You can delineate the difference in the titles of the movies. The first movie is called "First Blood". "They drew first blood!" Rambo exclaims. That's the message. This one's called "Rambo" because it's about fuckin' Rambo! He's the star! Not that boring old message from the first one. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just completely different. & a lot dumber. But, boy does Rambo kick some ass!!

The Car - directed by Elliot Silverstein

Brolin is rollin...w/ THE CAR! I saw two really stupid stoner doods in the video store once, fighting over renting this movie. That's pretty much why I rented it. One wanted to buy it but he didn't have the money because it's way out of print. The other wouldn't lend him money because he was waitin' on a "thing" to go through in his account. They seriously went back & forth for a good ten minutes right in front of the counter while everyone stared. "Just get it, bro!" "I can't do it, though!" "Why don't you just get it!" "Cuz I gotta wait for this thing!" "Just get it though."

So this movie is about an evil car that comes out of nowhere & terrorizes a town. It's pretty entertaining. Some big funny characters. It starts out killing some bikeriders & a wacky hitchiker who plays a french horn & wants to get laid. Then it makes it's way to town & starts killing folks & a lady who doesn't speak English tells James Brolin that it doesn't have a driver & he's like kinda like whoa doc this is heavy. The Car kills everyone by stabbing! Just kidding but that would be awesome. Yeah the car's kind of a one trick pony. I mean geez, car..can't you get a little more creative? Lemme guess how this next guy's gonna die...gasp you ran him over!? Hmm, guess I don't have much to say about the movie other than it was pretty fun to watch. James Brolin's son is starring in the new Coen Bros. movie & he looks like his dad in this movie. Except Josh is becoming a little more grisled. Like he's taking over for Nick Nolte or something. Maybe Josh Brolin is the the illegimate son of James Brolin & Nick Nolte. I'd do a picture matchup but I can't find a pic of James Brolin in The Car. Have to take my word for it.

Love and Bullets - directed by Stuart Rosenberg

This movie kicked ass. Bronson at his naturalistic acting best. Steiger is so awesome as the the mob boss w/ a stutter. I wish this were on DVD. This movie starts out w/ a bang (awesome car chase) & stays entertaining all the way through. So much good stuff going for it. It's a geniunely good movie. I'm not just saying I like it for irony's sake. Rod Steiger plays a stuttering mob boss & delivers a couple of brilliant scenery chewing monologues. It's pretty funny the notion that a guy w/ a goofy stutter could rise to the status that his character is supposed to hold. I am guessing that was a creative choice made by Rod Steiger, & not in the script. But I could be wrong. It also features Henry Silva!! That's right. Bronson vs. Silva. ethnic looking badass vs. ethnic looking badass. We all know that Bronson would take Silva any day though & that's why we never actually see them face off in the movie. That might be my only complaint. Well there's also some abrupt dissolves that seem to move the plot along, but on the positive side of that, the movie never gets boring. It's about a mob boss, Steiger, who is advised by lawyers & goombas (one of them Val Avery) to have his wife/love/charactery blonde/whatever, Jill Ireland (Mrs. Bronson) offed because she's been around him long enough to implicate him. So the mob hires sexy Silva to get the job done. Bronson has to start protecting her, & guess who falls in love!!?

I really enjoyed this movie & hope someone sticks it widescreen on DVD or plays it on a big screen. Bronson kills some doods w/ a blow gun that he made. Also, John Huston started to direct this movie, but had to quit for some reason. Here's a great review of it that I read.

The Simpsons Movie - directed by David Silverman

Was pretty funny. I laughed. I haven't watched The Simpsons tv show in like 10 years. I don't hate it, I guess I just lost interest. This one's about The Simpsons (Homer) pissing everyone off & then clever satirical parallels are made to the country & current adminstration's big mistakes & liberals get a good hearty laugh! & righties learn a very special lesson & the world is saved! yay!

I Now Pronounce You Chuck an Larry - directed by Dennis Dugan

I didn't hate it. I didn't particularly love the Rob Schneider in yellowface.... (if i say that will he email me & tell me I'm a jerk?) I actually didn't expect to enjoy this movie. I read a review that wasn't favorable & i was like "oh yeah I'm gonna hate that too." then i saw it in Phoenix cuz it was hot. I gave myself a double feature of this & the Simpsons. One thing to note about this movie. It is nicely shot. Nothing amazing, but compared to the bright & krappy cinematography of most studio comedies, the look of this one tricks my brain into thinking it's going to be better quality.

So yeah, Chuck & Larry are best pal firefighters & whichever one Kevin James plays is sad cuz he misses his dead wife & a technicality makes it so he can't get money because he didn't respond to some mail about how his wife died...something like that. Anyway his loophole is that if he were married (to anyone) he'd get the big bux to keep him from dying. He also saved Adam Sandler's character's (chuck?larry?)'s life so Adam/chuck/larry/Sandler is like hey i'll do anything (for love but i won't do that) for you now that you saved me life. Sandler's character starts out a real homophobie womanizer & then guess what happens! He learns to love & appreciate gay people & women in a way he wouldn't have done otherwise. There's a lotta obvious lessons that seem to be touched on in this movie, but whatever, I liked it, it was entertaining. I don't think I really laughed so much in it, but I found it enjoyable.

I kept thinking as I watched the movie, "Oh there's still stupid people out there who need to learn about this stuff...maybe some of them are big Adam Sandler fans & he can teach them to love gay people too." There's a part (SPOILER MAYBE?) toward the end where they're put on the spot to prove their homosexuality & they're pressured to kiss eachother in front of lots of people. They play it up like "Oh no what are we gonna do!? Scary, gross we gotta kiss!!!?", but at this point in the movie we've been through all the ups & downs, watched them grow as best friends, sleep in the same bed, get more secure w/ their sexuality/"fauxmosexuality" (i just made that term up it means gay-fakers, like it?), & their characters have so much at stake, it just seems so stupid for them to not dive right in & kiss. They've spent the whole movie masquerading & "hilariously" alluding to so much more, just fuckin' kiss! I didn't buy that part, & I think it was pandering to those audience members who might still, at that point, be scared & infuriated by homosexuality. Boo! (SPOILER'S OVER!) Oh yeah one highlight that sticks out in my mind was Ving Rhames. Even when it was over the top, he brought a sincerity to his character that a few others in the movie didn't. He's awesome. More Ving Rhames in movies please, thanks!

Okay that's all for now. I should do this more often so it doesn't take up so much time writing 10 at once or whatever.

Hmmm maybe I was wrong.

2007-07-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

So I guess I don't have the energy or time to thoughtfully write "reviews" of every movie I watch, in the very articulate & professional way I did for Harry Potter. I guess I just watch too many movies to keep up. But here's the movies I've watched in the past couple days.

The Match Factory Girl - directed by Aki Kaurismäki

This movie's short & great & sad & he does seemingly so little & I so enjoy watching his films. This one is about a lonely girl who works in a factory of some sort... can't quite remember what kind-but anyway, she is looking for love or company & then she find someone for a second & he turns out to be a real jerk. I can see how that might be frustrating for a character looking for love in a Kaurismaki movie, because everyone is so reserved & not used to showing emotion, that upon first meeting you'd have no way of knowing if the person is a real jerk or a big sweetheart. Let me just say I love his movies. I just saw a new movie of his at the Nuart last week. "Lights in the Dusk". I've never met a Finnish person, except for the only other person in the theatre who went to see "Lights in the Dusk". If I were to size up Finnish people from watching his movies I would guess that they use a brevity of words & they'll continue to allow painful things to build up w/o much reaction until eventually they burst. But even when they eventually burst, they don't burst that big. The woman in the theatre didn't not-burst-big on me though. She seemed nice. She was "Finnish" & she looked it. Like the people in his movies. Like the lead actress in Match Factory Girl who makes appearances in many of his films.

The Salvation Hunters - directed by Josef von Sternberg

This was Von Sternberg's first feature film. Silent. I've never seen another one. I better get to work. I don't know a lot about his films except for what I read prior to watching this one. He's a hot shot. He probably had a bit of an ego--believes the director is the main main cheese & don't fuck w/ the director & the director gonna make this movie so get out the director's way! The shots in this movie were very well composed & it was interesting watching this back to back w/ the Kaurismaki movies because Kaurismaki's films are a lot like silent films (he actually made a totally silent film--I haven't watched it yet). Anyway, yah. I noticed a lot of similarities. There was this amazingly staged scene in the beginning of Salvation Hunters that takes place on top of this mud dock thing & this crane keeps swinging by & dumping mud on the people. Anyway, there's a part where this kid's getting his ass kicked by this mean dood & then this main character is watching it happen w/ this hot babe (Georgia Hale, who would go on to star in Chaplin's "The Gold Rush") & they're just standing there watching coldly in this handsomely composed still shot. And addressing the main dood, Georgia Hale's character goes "Coward." It was so simple & a little absurd & it felt like something out of a Kaurismaki film. Also, both this picture & "Match Factory Girl" are only a little over one hour in length. Oh yeah & the movie is about being poor. Chaplin supposedly championed the film then withdrew his championing of because he was scared...or something. I don't know.

Suspiria - directed by Dario Argento

I went to see this last night at the Cemetery Screening. I met Julie & Leone there. I haven't seen Julie in like so long, we went to Carver Middle School & Booker T. Washington High School! Anyway it was a lotta fun. Suspiria is one of those awesome horror movies that I've probably see like seriously 15 times & I'm still not really sure exactly what it's about completely & I probably tune out a little bit each time I watch it, but I'd always be down to watch it. It's got so much good stuff going for it. & it was particularly awesome to see it on the big screen...I mean mausoleum...projected.

Death Wish 4: The Crackdown - directed by J. Lee Thompson

Bronson's back again. In the first three movies, his vigilante character Paul Kersey takes on punks & scummy bad guys, in this one, he's got a new itch to scratch: DRUGS! That's right, Kersey gets hired as a hitman by a rich guy to set up the 2 different mob bosses & get them dueling w/ eachother because those mob bosses run the drug rings that circulated from the factories to the dealers & made their way to the nose of the daughter of the woman that Bronson's dating...BIG mistake! This movie is totally krappy but I didn't get bored watching it. The first Death Wish movie I'd describe as "fucking good!". Death Wish II is "solid for what it is". Death Wish 3 is "a masterpiece". This one is "krappy & sloppy but has some awesome stuff." Bronson's getting older & feels more like a grandpa at this point, but still seems like he'd be fun to hang around. He's got some good catchphrases/one-liners. In one scene he gets caught snooping around a bad guy's apartment & he's hiding in the kitchen & the bad guy's like "come out!" & Bronson comes out w/ his hands up & the bad guy's like "what the hell are you doing here?" & Bronson goes "I'm makin' a sandwich." then he smashes the guy in the face or knocks something over or something awesome like that. The absolutel highlight of the movie for me was the climactic scene which takes place in a rollerskating rink. This was of particular excitement for me because I recognized this rollerskating rink as one that I went to, "World on Wheels", like seriously a couple weeks ago! I flipped out, it was definitely the same one. Then they go outside & (MAYBE A SPOILER--BUT SERIOUSLY WHO CARES!) the main bad guy, who was the rich guy that initially hired Bronson but was actually just a really mean bad guy who happened to do a great impression of a rich guy, has Bronson's girlfriend hostage & he's all like "i'll kill her!" then he does kill her & this pisses Bronson off so hard that Bronson shots a rocket at bad guy & makes bad guy explode real big & awesome. It ruled. But to be real for a second, it was sad because Paul Kersey walks off w/o any visible emotion & you know after all these years of killing, & having his wife raped & murdered, his retarded daughter raped & murdered as well, being pushed to the limit, trying to protect what you care about because no one else will, & now being betrayed by someone he quasi-trusted, it is clear that Kersey has no one. A sad life.

New Theme...maybe. (Harry Potter)

2007-07-19T04:15:00.000-07:00

From now on I am blogging about movies I watch. I watch them like everyday, if I can. & Hey! I'm not Leonard Maltin so don't expect me to write reviews all fancy & thought out. You hear me Maltin!? I'm comin' for you! You fuckin' swine! You sick sick pervert. You may have seen more "Goofy" cartoons than me, but I've got more fury in my fist than you!

So tonight, I went to go see the new Harry Potter picture.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Yes, this one is called Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, & I only know that because I just checked the title on IMDB. I generally find all the Harry Potter films entertaining when I watch them, & then relatively disposable. No offense, Potter enthusiasts, they just don't sink in so hard. This one was no different for me. It was pretty good, though. I liked it.

This one's about how the Hoghouse school is getting shitty because this old fancy Christian Republican bitch keeps trying take over the school & she's like in the Wizard Illuminati. Even Dumbledaggle hates her. Dumbledorf is a fuckin' badass in this movie, I wish there had been more of him. Yeah I wish there'd been more fighting & action packed stuff. I liked it though. I never got bored. Sometimes I get confused because I don't know what they're talking about w/ all the "Valdaball! Expeliarmus! Dumbledingledoo!" Also, I saw this IMAX & we were sitting in the front so I had to move my head around to try to take in everything onscreen. Oh yeah, the climactic final 20 minutes are in 3-D when you see it IMAX! That was cool. ...Probably coulda been more wands pointing my face though... & I think my colorblindness affects the way I see 3-D. Maybe I can go to the eye-doctor & ask him to give me prescription 3-D glasses to correct my colorblindness when I see all the 3-D movies that get released.

On another note, from about 2001 to 2005 I pretty much couldn't escape accusations of being Harry Potter. I even changed my appearance to try to avoid it. New glasses, longer hair, gaining 200 lbs. I never thought I looked like him, but many ESL vendors & restaurant workers were convinced I was Daniel Radcliffe, or just "Harry Potter." It is nice to see that Mr. Radcliffe adolescent puberty face has blown up a little bit so that I can resume my identity.

I saw this w/ Louise & Daphne. We had fun!

Here's the shitty poster they could have tried harder on.

ps oh yeah today is my birthday & I'm working at the Silent Movie Theatre tonight. So I'll be watching Josef Von Sternberg's first film "The Salvation Hunters".

I GOT DANDRUFF!!

2007-03-27T02:07:00.000-07:00

OH NO I'M A LEPER!

"Me Bad at Work" "Clerk Chronicles" "Jerk Clerk" "Jerk Customers" "Jerk, Clerk, Work" "Moon Makes People Crazy"

2007-03-04T04:52:00.000-08:00

Oh brother, I must have something wrong w/ me because jerk customers at my job made me yell at them & tell them to not be jerks to the new guy. They MADE me! Understand? Because they were jerkwads, their jerkwaddedness rubbed off on me & had me appear as a jerk. I also accused one guy of specifically being "passive aggressive", which seemed to calm him down for a moment, but I later felt stupid when I realized he was mostly being outright "aggressive". Moron! I coulda really called him out & looked like a badass, but instead I dropped the ball by labelling him the wrong specific emotion. I don't think he noticed. Also I mocked this woman on the phone when she couldn't get what she wanted & kept looking for new ways to ask. Here's the tail end of the conversation:

ME (wanting to get off the phone):
No I'm sorry, we can't do that.

WOMAN (wanting to be annoying):
...but enhhh, ennh-er..--

ME (mocking her):
ENHH ENHH ENNHH!!!-That's how it is, yep!

WOMAN (outraged by my mockery):
Oh my gaw--WHAT is your name?

ME (don't care/little scared):
Josh.

WOMAN (stupid):
Josh? Are you wearing a hat!?

ME (not wearing a hat):
No.

WOMAN:
Ah, yeah, I know who you are... I know who you are... yeah... Bye.

Would you believe that that transaction left me w/ a sour feeling?

ZZZZZZZZZ not for me!

2007-01-26T23:39:00.000-08:00

Last night I didn't really sleep because I couldn't make myself do it. It was so hard to do. How could I sleep when there's a computer monitor in front of me? & also I have loud neighbors (they were sleeping though). & I was thinking about stuff.

Now I am so tired. Okay I must fight to sleep now. It's me vs. going to sleep! Who will win in the battle for the wear & tear of my internal organs, daily functionality & general mood? Stay tuned to...here!

Speaking of loud neighbors, my neighbors are a Christian halfway house. I hear them singing & praying all the time. They ring the food bell in the morning & at meal times. I don't mind. Yesterday I got a phone call & I was walking to my mailbox & through the gate I hear this little boombox start blasting this Black Speed Metal sounding music, so I said on the phone "Whoa awesome! My neighbors are a Christian halfway house & they just started blast--" then I saw the outline of a person on the other side of the fence & I went quiet. Discreetly, I tried to get closer to the Death Metal & before I could think to hope my voice hadn't carried, I heard a voice say "That ain't no Christian sounding music!" I was totally busted referring to the Christian halfway house as a Christian halfway house. Even if that's what it's called I still felt like I was going to get in trouble for calling it that. "Actually that's a Christian band, not my type of music though," he said. I quickly latched on to that topic & made it all about the music, "Hmmph! Wonder what they're singin' about!?" (interested-interested-interested so so interested!) The person on the phone was like "You got busted!"

"RALRRLR RORR ROOOH HRERUGHH RUGH RUGHHH!!!!" = "Praise his name, he died for our sins!"

EXTRA EXTRA: NEWS FLASH: MAN DOESN'T LIKE SHIT HE HAS TO DO TODAY

2007-01-12T16:08:00.000-08:00

A local man, who enjoys ice cream doesn't like the shit he has to do today. Officials say, "Well sometimes you just have to do that shit & quit complaining. Other people have worse shit to do." The local man was further enraged when he discovered that a large percentage of the shit he had to do wasn't necessary & he only thought he had to do the shit because someone else's stupid mistake.

In other news, February might be a good month.

In other news, Tim Allen, of Home Improvement fame, looks like he had a facelift.

In more other news, I brush my teeth, what did you ever do for Martin Luther King Day?

Holy Krap! Awesome trailer!

2007-01-08T19:31:00.000-08:00

Holy shit! I was just cynically complaining the other day about how Samuel L. Jackson sucks now & he just plays "Samuel L. actin' in a motherfuckin' movie wink wink Jackson" & how it would be cool if he actually played a character, or did some serious acting again, instead of just being a catchphrase king, pick up a paycheck type a guy. & I think often when it comes up in coversation, I've complained about how Christina Ricci sux big time & is really bad in many movies (Woody Allen's mess of a movie "Anything Else" is a great example of how bad she can get).

I just watched the trailer for that movie coming out called "Black Snake Moan". & Wowwo Dowwo! It looks to be the answer to all the things I was just complaining about. Sam's playin' a real specific character, & Christina Ricci seems like she's going to be pretty good in it. & I don't even know if I need to mention that she should win an award for looking as trashily hot as she does. Anyone vaguely familiar w/ her body of work (body? pardon the pun-HONK HONK) can tell that she clearly had to work really hard to get that hot. Kudos to you. Good job. Strut! If that's what you wanted, you got it, girlfriend! This movie just looks so weird & nutso & dark & sexy. Sign me up, cineplexes of America! I'll be there!

Also of note, I didn't much care for "Hustle & Flow", the other movie this guy directed. So that's three strikes against it & up against all that adversity, this trailer triumphed in ruling!

I don't know how to embed the trailer, but here's where to watch it.

Not there yet.

2007-01-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

It's going to take me a few postings to figure out my blogging existence & justify my even having this. Soon we'll all be bouncing off the walls together. I just ate an almond.

Oh & a special message for you.

2007-01-03T03:23:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

first!

2007-01-03T02:07:00.000-08:00

first!
I'm the first to post here!