Tony the Schmuck...

Tony the Schmuck kicked a bucket half full of paint and the bucket went flying into the air and doused him and a doggie w/ yellow paint. Don’t worry the doggie didn’t get it on his eyes or anything, Tony the Schmuck was covered and the bucket bonked him on the head. Then he slipped on the remaining paint that didn’t land on him, one of those classic slips where all four of his limbs are flailing in the air and he lands on his back. Just as he landed a really strong elderly man walked by and tripped on Tony the Schmuck’s leg. The strong elderly man picked up Tony by the collar and said “you dumb son of a bitch, I tripped on you, can’t you see I’m an elder? Watch where you’re going!” then the muscle bound geriatric friend slammed him into the wall two times. When he slammed him in the first time, he said “And THAT’S for getting paint on my nice old man sweater!” the second time he slammed him, he completely threw him through the wall, which turned out to be a tool shed barn type thing. “And THAT’S for—“ But we didn’t get to hear what the second thing was for because the strong old man threw him through the wall. Tony fell into the a pile of hay, but there was a needle in it that poked his butt and he stood up real fast and said “Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop!” until he stepped on a spot that he thought was more barn hay, but it turned out to be a booby trap to an underground tunnel w/ rocks, cans of fire, a couple of animal bones, and a broken trampoline so he couldn’t spring out. His yellow painted shirt got caught on a splintered wood board in the barn floor when he fell so he ripped his shirt off. He did not have a very sexy body. The pit was filled w/ an axe-wielding crazy grunting maniac w/ arm-shackles, a plaid flannel shirt, and raw beef on his face. As well as a lot of friendly sexy bikini ladies so he was both frightened and turned on at the same time. Then Tony escaped by accidentally bumping into a can of flames, because he’s a clumsy Schmuck, and setting the scary screaming beefman on fire. Tony remembered this whole being turned on and scared at the same time thing and wrote a hit screenplay using those conceits. He made so much money that he now has a very nice car. He’s still a schmuck but people give him respect because he was able to buckle down and turn his experiences into cha-ching. Also they are schmucks too. Everyone’s a Schmuck! Ha ha ha ha! Schmuckocalypse! Except the dog with yellow paint on him.