The Tale of Travelin' Grime.

Grime was on the ground and he was stuck to it. He basically relied on people to step on him so he could get around. But boy did he get around when he got around. Also when he got around he’d have little pieces of him left behind, often w/ a slimy grimy stringy separation. But what he’d lose he’d pick up somewhere else, off the bottom of some shoe or from wind blowing some piece of krap onto him that would then be classified as part of Grime.

Smile was a phony. Total phone balone. He showed up and was debonair and smooth talky.

“Hey Grime, lemme make you a deal. I’ll sell you this krap that will clean ya up and everyone will see ya as clean!” Said Smile.

“What? Don’t you understand that basically all I am is ‘not clean’. So if I clean my ‘not clean’ then I am literally nothing. Plus I'm already mostly krap so why do I need more krap? What? Am I gonna rub krap on krap and make krap disappear?” Grime said all that in kind of grizzled sort of grimy voice, by the way. In case you heard it differently.

Smile was devious because sometimes he was genuine and sometimes he was a she. That’s right Smile was a woman too. Nevermind that though. I’ll keep calling him a he. Sometimes he was genuine and sometimes you couldn’t tell if he was trying to get something from you.

Grime was miserable a lot, but he had nothing to hide. He was well traveled so even though you wouldn’t wanna give him a hug all the time, he might be important to have around because he can tell some tales. He’s experienced some hardcore stuff. One time he was scraped off something living and flung through the air, kicked around, then sat miserably for like 8 months, then scraped off, scrubbed off and then stepped on again and sat in a closet. Somewhere in there was a breast. Not sure how he got to wherever he is not, but I know he’s not in a closet. 

One time Grime had to challenge Smile to a duel and he got to show his true colors. Yellow teeth. A grimace. Grime realized and so did Smile, that Grime and Smile weren’t so different. Behind Smile was actually some of Grime. And they realized they must be from the same place because their names kind of sound the same. And now the lesson that you just learned is that you should rub grime on your face. 

Muscle-Bound Ira!

Muscle-Bound Ira didn’t have glasses and wasn’t a body builder. Oh shit, you ask, what the hell was he? He was just a regular guy. But he kicked some serious butt, right? Nope. Nope. Well he must have been a real bookish dork though, huh? I mean “Ira”? Cmon. Nah, huh-uh, he was well read but not like devoid of communication skills or anything. Well he probably was a real nebbish. Nah he seemed pretty level headed and that’s because he was. Well he probably got picked on a lot when he was young, that’s what forced him to become muscle-bound. No, no, he had a regimented eating and exercise and sleep schedule so he was always in pretty good shape. He also avoided drugs and only drank on special occasions. Well did he clean house in the babe department? He wasn’t a womanizer or anything if that’s what you’re wondering, no. Did he feel the urge to prove his masculinity to himself? Like I said… He saw some people, had some relationships. Some didn’t work out. Parted on good terms. Still friends, all nice people. Was he ever worried about his future? Making ends meet? Muscle-Bound Ira just stayed focused on his goals, but not to the point of exertion and exhaustion. He supplemented his free time w/ plenty of hobbies. You know, Chess, Checkers, Stencil, Drawing. Shit. Well surely he’s bound for a nervous breakdown. I mean look at this guy! No, he’s not nervous breakdown-bound, he’s muscle bound. Goddamnit. I’ll bet he had strict parents and they beat him into this mold of society’s idea of like that perfect behaving man. He’s bound to burst any second. His parents were loving people and he’s not burst-bound, he’s Muscle-Bound. Well did he ever use those muscles for anything awesome? Like beating up a bully? No he studied Tai-Chi and has always been a good talker, why do you want Muscle-Bound Ira to have such a dark side. Tai-Chi? Ha! So he’s some New Age weirdo. Can’t stand those people. He’s not a character in a story that needs to have some sort of conflict. But everyone has some sort of conflict! Not Muscle-Bound Ira, he’s balanced very well. Perfectly? No, no one’s perfect. Ira has to have some sort of conflict, HE HAS TO! Otherwise no one is interested in hearing about him! Well maybe that’s what’s interesting about him? I hate Muscle-Bound Ira… I hate him. His life seems so goddamned perfect. I owe a lone shark two thousand dollars, my mother doesn’t speak to me, and I’m noticing this thing that is an odd-shaped mole on my shoulder. But can’t afford doctor bills. Why isn’t anyone making a story about me? One day I hope to meet this Muscle-Bound Ira. I will make his life a living dying hell! Just, like mine! Oh that’s very nasty. Shut up. You have a poor attitude- I’m going to leave you to yourself.

Tony the Schmuck...

Tony the Schmuck kicked a bucket half full of paint and the bucket went flying into the air and doused him and a doggie w/ yellow paint. Don’t worry the doggie didn’t get it on his eyes or anything, Tony the Schmuck was covered and the bucket bonked him on the head. Then he slipped on the remaining paint that didn’t land on him, one of those classic slips where all four of his limbs are flailing in the air and he lands on his back. Just as he landed a really strong elderly man walked by and tripped on Tony the Schmuck’s leg. The strong elderly man picked up Tony by the collar and said “you dumb son of a bitch, I tripped on you, can’t you see I’m an elder? Watch where you’re going!” then the muscle bound geriatric friend slammed him into the wall two times. When he slammed him in the first time, he said “And THAT’S for getting paint on my nice old man sweater!” the second time he slammed him, he completely threw him through the wall, which turned out to be a tool shed barn type thing. “And THAT’S for—“ But we didn’t get to hear what the second thing was for because the strong old man threw him through the wall. Tony fell into the a pile of hay, but there was a needle in it that poked his butt and he stood up real fast and said “Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop!” until he stepped on a spot that he thought was more barn hay, but it turned out to be a booby trap to an underground tunnel w/ rocks, cans of fire, a couple of animal bones, and a broken trampoline so he couldn’t spring out. His yellow painted shirt got caught on a splintered wood board in the barn floor when he fell so he ripped his shirt off. He did not have a very sexy body. The pit was filled w/ an axe-wielding crazy grunting maniac w/ arm-shackles, a plaid flannel shirt, and raw beef on his face. As well as a lot of friendly sexy bikini ladies so he was both frightened and turned on at the same time. Then Tony escaped by accidentally bumping into a can of flames, because he’s a clumsy Schmuck, and setting the scary screaming beefman on fire. Tony remembered this whole being turned on and scared at the same time thing and wrote a hit screenplay using those conceits. He made so much money that he now has a very nice car. He’s still a schmuck but people give him respect because he was able to buckle down and turn his experiences into cha-ching. Also they are schmucks too. Everyone’s a Schmuck! Ha ha ha ha! Schmuckocalypse! Except the dog with yellow paint on him.

Chunky Judy You Should Know Better...

Chunky Judy was a man. But she, I mean HE was pissed because his name was Judy then to make matters worse he went and got all chunky. Not like fat, I mean he was big, like naturally, but I mean chunky like chunks in the body, you know? I hope you know what I mean. It’s like when someone just has a real specific body type. Gosh, it sure is hard not calling someone named Judy “she”. Even when you know he is a he. This is where our story begins...

Chunky Judy would get so sensitive if people would call him a her or a she that he would threaten them. Tiny Lester one day at the grown-up playground was like "Haha Chunky Judy you make me wanna call you a she despite your natural masculinity." Chunky Judy got so mad that he told Tiny Lester that that was it! He said “that’s it!” He told Tiny Lester that he was going to give him a hard hug. A hard hug from Chunky Judy is not an affectionate hug. It’s like if Chunky Judy said “I’m gonna sit on you I’m heavy.” Like I said Chunky Judy’s not heavy per se. Just Chunky. So now Tiny Lester got hard hugged, he was in bad shape. The authorities and the principal of the grown-up world said “You better get into my office, Chunky Judy!” Chunky Judy took off, ran. Principal Dincipal turned to the authorities and said “Get her in my office.” They corrected him and said “Uh, remember Chunky Judy is a he, Principal Dincipal.” Then Principal Dincipal said oh yeah.

Chunky Judy’s now on the lamb, She-fuck-HE is now driving in a convertible listening to country music and picking up hitchhikers. But none try to get fresh, for fear of the famous, well NOW famous Chunky Judy Trademark Hard Hug of Legend. That’s right, 2 things. One is that once a hitchhiker tried to get fresh with Chunky Judy, do some stuff that Judy wasn’t into, he tried to get sexy w/ Chunky Judy. You know some of those road drifters are out looking for that sort of thing, maybe they didn’t feel like they could pursue that sort of lifestyle in their hometowns so they had to go on the road for it, maybe they read about it in some freeform poetry book or something. And two, remember how I mentioned that Chunky Judy’s Trademark Hard Hug is now famous and something of legend? Well that’s because when Chunky Judy hit the road after hardhugging Tiny Lester, Tiny Lester took that painful experience and capitalized on it. He wrote a whole story about his overcoming the repercussions of the Hard Hug and made a lot of money. Now Chunky Judy is very pissed because he wants a piece of his own action. He’s broke and on the road and getting felt up by drifters and not liking it at all, but secretly he does like it because he’s very repressed in the homosexual nature. Don’t you think he’d just change his name, otherwise? It can’t be that hard. He likes the struggle of saying he hates it and not wanting to change it. Work out your issues Chunky Judy, it’s okay. Chunky Judy heard me say that and he took “work out your issues” completely the wrong way. He showed up at Tiny Lester’s high security plus fancy marble mansion, which was guarded by Dobermans, or should I say Dobermen? Tiny Lester is very powerful now. Chunky Judy thought killing Tiny Lester would solve his problems but Lester people made Chunky Judy die. Such a tragic end for Chunky Judy. So misunderstood and so prone to misunderstanding.

Bobby at School

Bobby was a kid at school who was cute but he was trying to be cool so that means he’s in the not cool group and people don’t notice he’s cute. Except the smart ones, because the cool ones are always the dumb ones who grow up to get wrinkled before everyone else. Bobby would walk down the halls and people would throw wads of paper at him, hoot and holler and he would yell back like “Aw shut up! I’m tough too! I’m tough too!” Along the way to class as he’d walk past the shitheads that he yelled with, he’d quiet up when he’d pass Isabelle at her locker. She’s a messy frazzled little thing. But sweet. And they’d stop and stare at each other and do that thing where people look up and down and shift from foot to foot. Then Bobby would remember he was cool, even though he wasn’t, and walk off hoping no one saw him talking to dusty ol’ Isabelle (who was very cute in like a European messy sort of way, but when you’re young like that you don’t really understand what’s pretty if it’s not the tough guy’s bimbo babe or Kathy Ireland or whoever is the famous babe of the day).

One day Bobby got in a car accident and had to walk down the hall on crutches. He still got a good amount of hootin’ and hollerin from the will-be-ugly-someday shitheads. So on down the hall he passes by Isabelle at her locker, and even though Bobby is all mangled and mussed, it’s still the same thing. Bobby snubs her! Bobby what a schmuck you are. He’s got some more mistakes to make I guess. You probably thought I was going to say that he learned his lesson from that car accident and now he and Isabelle are gonna get to know each other and explore the youthful chemistry that Bobby seems to deny. But you forget these folks are just kids, kids don’t know anything about learning from experience. Actually they’re not kids, they’re dogs! Bobby’s my dog and he didn’t get in a car accident he got neutered so now he’s miserable w/ a cone on his head because he wants to lick his penis. And Isabelle is a name I made up for a little dog that is nice to him when he walks down the street, but you get what I’m saying. The End.

Rrrghgrrhr.

Rrrghgrrhr was the first caveman to think about why he got bored. If you were a person in caveman time you would get so bored of all the cavemen because they are all acting the same and no one thinks to say in caveman language “Hey this cave sucks let’s decorate it!” or “Hey that waterfall is pretty, do you mind if I admit that I think it is pretty?”

Well Rrrghgrrhr thought about these things. While all the other cavemen humped, killed, and screamed at things with careless glee, Rrrghgrrhr did it with a hint of indifference.

Also in caveman time cavepeople covered themselves in feces and jumped around a lot making “Woop! Woop!” noises. Of course you know the story that has been passed down from caveperson to caveperson to stupid person to stupid person to person to you and me about how cavesters hit their women on the head to do it with ‘em. I think that was not the only way cavepeople did it with each other. The men also threw rocks at their cave dingdongs before they figured out to put 'em in the cave ladies. And before that they tried putting their cave dingalings in the cave ladies’ knees. That didn’t work.

Anyway, Rrrghgrrhr was a bored caveperson. He invented boredom. He also thought about inventing the “kiss” because before people just went “Unnghrghhh” instead of kissing. But he could never figure out the proper equation. It was a Bible guy and King Arthur that would later use Rrrghgrrhr’s theories on mouth touching to invent the kiss.

One day Rrrghgrrhr got impaled by an extinct animal’s tusk and rode off a mountain to his death. There is no way of knowing if it was suicide out of boredom or just stupidity because he was still very stupid.

Gustav the Juicer

Gustav new to this country. He very excited to meet friends that are not animal with horns. He come here know no one want to get a job at juice house. So many things that are great about juice. Here are the great things: Make you strong. Make you virile. Have many natural colors of the prism. Smell good make you smell good. Taste good.

Gustav find a nice place to make juice and come up with new combination of juice to drink. No one think to combining this juices! So original! True artist! Gustav is not boss, he have a boss, the boss have long hair for a man, Gustav not used to this, but he accepting of all people, so happy to be here! Opportunity.

Gustav love the juicer.
“Buzz buzz buzz” says the machine!

Be careful though, this juicer is old and does no have the protective guard for you hands that newer version have. But everyone know if you want to taste the love in the juice you have to use old machine. Love is danger! Just like childhood woman with large arm breast. Cannot breathe.

Gustav still no meet lot people in city. That okay because he just meet someone! He meet three people! Costas, Alexander, and Big Harry. These guys into such great business love to make money for people. Always good friend to rely on. So great! Gustav treat like family. He give them juice combine you never even think of. Taste so good compliment the chef. In fact this guys now best friend to Gustav.

One night for business that is very honest and good, Big Harry come to juice shop late at night where Gustav sleep. They are dealings in completely honest business transaction very good for whole family. But Big Harry’s have new friend Tony Rizzo. Rizzo nice man I can tell. He friend of Big Harry. Big Harry say he need private alone time for honest business talk with Rizzo. Gustav no mind he go in other room. Gustav sit eat some wheat and tap toe. Sudden he hear big crash bang. He go in blending room. Why is nice Rizzo trying to hurt Big Harry? “This is my friend!” he think. Big Harry being strangle by Rizzo. Big Harry point at gun on table.

“Gustav! Help me! Shoot this greasy motherfucker!” cry Harry.

Gustav force to shoot Rizzo because he is less new good friend. This no stop him only stun. Rizzo very strong, probably drink juice. Now Big Harry have upper hand. Gustav help Big Harry. Big Harry turn on old blender and put Rizzo face right into the juice while Gustav hold Rizzo hands not know this what will happen. Now Rizzo have been juiced. This not what Gustav want. He only want juice fruit. Not friend. So upset. Big Harry run away take sleeping Rizzo with him. Gustav clean up mess he no see this friend again.

Robby's Friends - Part I

Robby was so in love with this girl. She was fat, but so was he so you know they’re both good-hearted people. Anyway, she wasn’t in love with Robby so much. She was secretly in love with this more good looking fat guy. He was more slick and stuff. It wasn’t like she did anything wrong. She just fell harder for this other guy. Robby just didn’t have everything she needed. No one’s a bad guy here. And by the way, when I say “fat” I don’t mean like super fat. Just like regular sized people who look like they’re from the Midwest.

So fast forward to a few years later. Robby is much thinner, but he’s still not more good looking than the slick fat guy. He’s also still alone and hung up on the girl. One day he’s walking in a not so great neighborhood and he witnesses a drive-by on a taco stand. He was just thinking about eating a taco too! In a second I will reveal that it was just an initiation drive-by shooting w/ blanks and there was no one at the taco stand. So a bunch of doods roll back around and get out their ride surveying the taco stand congratulating each other. “Nice Job” “We really shot it up good!” “I feel very good about our work tonight.”

“Hey you guys that was scary! What were you thinking!?” said Robby.

“Hi there, we’re the Crips we’re a tough gang!”

“Well I’m Robby and I was just walking around here and feeling sad.”

“Hey man, why you got to feel sad? Is it about a bitch?”

“Yeah I guess so.”

So Robby and the Crips became very good unlikely friends.

Then Robby was walking down a street one time and he met some Bloods on accident and they started talking about Basketball Cards and became friends. The Crips found out and were like “Hey we don’t like those guys, that’s not so nice that you are becoming friends with them, you know we’re enemies right?” Robby felt like he was really stuck in between a rock and another rock like place because it didn’t seem fair that one group of friends would tell him that he couldn’t be friends w/ another group of friends. Not to mention he was still lonely, although the Crips did have some very good girl advice for him.

To Be Continued…

Edgar.

Edgar rolled out of bed and scratched his balls, but didn’t wash his hands for the rest of the day. He had a dog but forgot to feed it. The dog was still nice though.

“Ruff” it said to the mailman.

So more about Edgar. He was in a shitty mood, because he had a wife 7 years ago and she treated him badly. She cheated on him. Lied. Gave him Herpes. And divorced him and because he’s lazy and disorganized she managed to get a lot of his money. Also after he was divorced he dated one person and slept with her during a Herpes outbreak and didn’t tell her. Then she got herpes. She was pissed. He probably felt bad, but didn’t really react because what’s he going to do, he already hates himself. Anyway so he’s alone.

Somedays he calls his mom to leave her a message and whine about how he has no money. She has lots of money. He hopes she’ll die. Today specifically was a not too unusual day for Edgar. He went to a restaurant and ordered a sandwich in a nonspecific way. A Rueben at a Gutterman’s Diner. Gutterman’s is known for making the best Corned Beef Ruebens. Signs all over. "Try our corned beef Reuben!" "Best Reuben in town!" "Zagat’s loves our Reuben w/ Corned Beef specifically". So fuckin’ Edgar comes here and says “Gimme the Reuben.” They bring him their famous Reuben. And what does this shitbrain do? He sends it back because he wanted Pastrami. “I wanted Pastrami!” Even though he didn’t specify. On the way back to his car he keyed someone else’s because he hates himself and is lonely.

The End.

I resurface in the blogworld for the hell of it

Well it's been 2 and a half years since I've touched this thing. I was digging in my drawers past all the panties that I wear and aspirin bottles I've gone through and wouldn't you know, laying underneath some old high school yearbooks, I found this blog!

So as I mentioned in my subject heading, I resurface to find all the people that never read it 3 years ago! But maybe people will gradually find it and skim through it. Like YOU, person reading this, months after I posted it! Rather than reviewing movies and trying to be all David Bordwelling of tears, or Leonard Maltshake, or Rex Reed a book ya dope, or Elvis Mitchell out and smoke a j bro, and try to be all movie critic and websitey. I'll write little stories and the title of the blog can still be justified because they are like wonderful little movies that I watch IN MY IMAGINATION!!! Isn't that IMAAAGINATION WONDERFUL?

So here's a short story I wrote yesterday. I'll post it in a separate post. For POSTerity.