Muscle-Bound Ira!

Muscle-Bound Ira didn’t have glasses and wasn’t a body builder. Oh shit, you ask, what the hell was he? He was just a regular guy. But he kicked some serious butt, right? Nope. Nope. Well he must have been a real bookish dork though, huh? I mean “Ira”? Cmon. Nah, huh-uh, he was well read but not like devoid of communication skills or anything. Well he probably was a real nebbish. Nah he seemed pretty level headed and that’s because he was. Well he probably got picked on a lot when he was young, that’s what forced him to become muscle-bound. No, no, he had a regimented eating and exercise and sleep schedule so he was always in pretty good shape. He also avoided drugs and only drank on special occasions. Well did he clean house in the babe department? He wasn’t a womanizer or anything if that’s what you’re wondering, no. Did he feel the urge to prove his masculinity to himself? Like I said… He saw some people, had some relationships. Some didn’t work out. Parted on good terms. Still friends, all nice people. Was he ever worried about his future? Making ends meet? Muscle-Bound Ira just stayed focused on his goals, but not to the point of exertion and exhaustion. He supplemented his free time w/ plenty of hobbies. You know, Chess, Checkers, Stencil, Drawing. Shit. Well surely he’s bound for a nervous breakdown. I mean look at this guy! No, he’s not nervous breakdown-bound, he’s muscle bound. Goddamnit. I’ll bet he had strict parents and they beat him into this mold of society’s idea of like that perfect behaving man. He’s bound to burst any second. His parents were loving people and he’s not burst-bound, he’s Muscle-Bound. Well did he ever use those muscles for anything awesome? Like beating up a bully? No he studied Tai-Chi and has always been a good talker, why do you want Muscle-Bound Ira to have such a dark side. Tai-Chi? Ha! So he’s some New Age weirdo. Can’t stand those people. He’s not a character in a story that needs to have some sort of conflict. But everyone has some sort of conflict! Not Muscle-Bound Ira, he’s balanced very well. Perfectly? No, no one’s perfect. Ira has to have some sort of conflict, HE HAS TO! Otherwise no one is interested in hearing about him! Well maybe that’s what’s interesting about him? I hate Muscle-Bound Ira… I hate him. His life seems so goddamned perfect. I owe a lone shark two thousand dollars, my mother doesn’t speak to me, and I’m noticing this thing that is an odd-shaped mole on my shoulder. But can’t afford doctor bills. Why isn’t anyone making a story about me? One day I hope to meet this Muscle-Bound Ira. I will make his life a living dying hell! Just, like mine! Oh that’s very nasty. Shut up. You have a poor attitude- I’m going to leave you to yourself.