Bloartina and Fern Keep a Secret

Bloartina and Fern were a loving married couple. Bloartina had freckles, short shaggy hair, and wore denim button up shirts even though she was a lady. It's how she expressed herself. Fern had really frizzy and fluffy hair. Fern was kind of meek and quiet as well. As if she had a secret.

They would hold hands and give each other tiny little single kisses on the lips.

"This is the woman I love!" Bloartina would shout to the world, as she squeezed her arms around Fern.

"He he." Fern would say.

They had a nice big dog named Duffo. Duffo was a funny doufus. His color was black and white and brown and merl, which is like grey. He would run around chasing his ball or his squeak toy. They kept a collar on him because they were responsible.

"Honey!" said Bloartina.

"Yes dear." said Fern.

"I love running my fingers through your pretty hair." 

"Thank you sweetie."

"And I love putting my hands on your hips." said Bloartina as she put her hands on Fern's hips.

"Thank you baby." said Fern.

"And I'm gonna give you anything you need if you need, you just let me know."

"I will, sweet stuff."

"And ain't this the best big doggie you ever seen?" said Bloartina about Duffo.

"Roof!" said Duffo, then he ran away and shook his doufus doggy butt.

They had such a nice happy relationship. They would have conversations like this all the time.

One time Bloartina and Fern went to pick up some snacks at a convenience store. They walked there with Duffo on a leash, because they were responsible. Bloartina went inside for the snacks and Fern waited outside with Duffo.

Bloartina grabbed a big bag of chips. A creep showed up and tried to rob the place. He pointed a gun and knife at the store clerk.

"Gimme the money, everyone be cool. No one gets hurt!" but he had a crazed look in his eye like he might hurt someone. Fern watched from outside.

"Hey don't do that, young man!" said Bloartina.

The creep turned around.

"Shut up lady!" he said. Then he put his knife in his gun hand and punched Bloartina. Bloartina's arms flew up and she fell backward into a chips stand. 

Suddenly the creep dropped his weapon, the gun went off when it dropped but luckily it only hit the slushee machine, which sprouted a fountain-like slushee stream. His arms stiffened and his eyes rolled back into his head. The creep's forehead started to sweat, swell, and bubble. His cheeks started to make a slappy jiggle noise. Duffo barked from outside, his ears were hurting, the poor doggett!

The creep rattled and shook and made a constipated face. The racks in the store moved backward and screeched against the floor. Then the creep's head exploded and his body collapsed. The red blood and brains mixed in with the slushee colors and it was pretty.

Bloartina looked outside to see Fern go from an intense stare to an overwhelmed sigh and relief. Fern had used her rare extra sensory technique to disarm the creep and make his head explode. No one else knew about it except for Bloartina. Bloartina seemed like the tough one of the two but it was secretly Fern. This was their little secret. Duffo the dog was safe too.

Dinnertime

Scary Jerry woke up one morning, turned to his Big Wifey and said
"I want dinner!"

"It's breakfast time!" she said.

"But I want dinner." 

"You just had it a few hours ago."

"I want it again."

"Well I ain't makin' it for you."

"Please!" said Scary Jerry.

"Okay," said Big Wifey, "but first I got to go to work."

"Oh boy!" said Scary Jerry.

Then Big Wifey left the house for work. She would not return until later in the day. Scary Jerry realized that Big Wifey had tricked him. She wasn't going to make him dinner this morning. She was going to go to work, go about her day, then come home and make him dinner at dinner time.

"Damnit!" said Scary Jerry. 

He walked around his house.

"Someone should make me some corn, and roasted chicken, and potatoes!" he said. "That's dinner food!" he continued.

He went around town to scare some people.

A kid came walking up the street. 

"Hi Mister." said the kid.

"Rahhh!" said Scary Jerry.

"Ahhh!" said the kid, and he ran away.

Scary Jerry went to the car shop where Big Wifey worked.

"This car's real good. The motor is tough like a horse with lots of power." said Big Wifey to a man listening.

"Okay, okay, I like the sound of that. Tell me more."

"Rahh!" said Scary Jerry as he jumped out to frighten the man.

"Ahh!" and the man ran away.

"Hey." said Big Wifey.

"Hi!" said Scary Jerry.

"I was workin' that guy good." said Big Wifey.

"Well where's my dinner?!"

"Go home and figure out how to make some dinner! In fact, if you don't go home and have some dinner ready for me by the time I get back home I'm gonna pulverize you." said Big Wifey.

"Uh oh." said Scary Jerry.

Big Wifey was the only one who was tougher than Scary Jerry. He immediately transformed into Wimpy Jerry.

"Ha ha ha. Now beat it, wimp!" said Big Wifey.

"Okay, what ever you say don't hurt me." said Wimpy Jerry.

Wimpy Jerry kept his head down, his shoulders slumped, and his bottom tightened. He took tiny fast steps on his way home. He had no idea how to make dinner for Big Wifey but he knew he had to get home to figure it out.

On his way home the little kid walked up to him and said "Rahh!"

Wimpy Jerry got scared and responded with an "Ahh!", then he scampered all the way home. Like a little wimp.

Wimpy Jerry got home and made himself a crappy dinner. It tasted bad. He wasn't good at making dinner. Then Big Wifey came home and made dinner for the both of them. Wimpy Jerry wasn't that hungry because he'd already eaten crappy dinner. But he was too wimpy and scared to tell Big Wifey he wasn't hungry. So he ate it anyway. He should have just eaten breakfast in the morning that way he would have enjoyed the better dinner.

A few days later Wimpy Jerry forgot he was a wimp and went back to being Scary Jerry until Big Wifey turned him into Wimpy Jerry again.

Marriage, am I right?!

Daniel's Yogurt Journey

Daniel the Fellow didn't know anything about physics. He went walking to find a person who did.

He found Sheryl.
"Do you know anything about physics?"
"No." said Sheryl.

He found Max.
"Do you know anything about physics?"
"No." said Max

He found Barbie.
"Do you know anything about physics?"
"No." said Barbie.

He found Pang Lao
"Do you know anything about physics, Pang?"
"No." said Pang Lao.

He found Gutso the Wobbler.
"Do you know anything about physics?"
"No." said Gutso.

Across the street from Gutso was a man with a mailman uniform on.
"Excuse me, do you know anything about physics?" asked Daniel.
"No." said the person with the mailman uniform.

Daniel went and asked his grandmother.
"Grandma, do you know anything about physics?"
She didn't respond, she was ill.

Daniel went home and sat in his house. There was a knock at his door. He answered it. It was a man. The man spoke.
"Hello I am a sex offender and I am required to tell you I moved into the neighborhood."
"Do you know anything about physics?" asked Daniel.
"No." said the sex offender.
"I thought the door to door thing wasn't true about sex offenders, you just have to register." said Daniel.
"Well that's not what my parole officer told me." said the sex offender.
"Oh. Well thanks for stopping by."
"I think there was a school teacher a few blocks down. Maybe he knows something about physics."
"Oh, thanks for letting me know." said Daniel.

Daniel went and knocked on everyone's door in the neighborhood in hopes of finding the school teacher.
"Hi I'm not a sex offender. I just wonder if you know anything about physics." said Daniel.
"No." said some people.
"Get out of here, pervert!" said others.
"Hi Daniel!" said those who knew him.

He didn't find a physics teacher, only a speech and debate teacher who didn't know anything about physics.

Daniel went walking around the town. Passing stores all over. He passed a frozen yogurt shop. He passed a book store. He passed a goofy guy with a Slushee. Daniel stopped the Slushee guy.
"Excuse me. Do you know anything about physics?"
"Hmm." said the Slushee guy. Then the Slushee guy threw his Slushee and it splattered against a tree, "I think it's got something to do with that," he said, "but I'm not sure."
"Oh. Why did you waste your Slushee, just for that question?" asked Daniel.
"It was a suicide gone wrong. I should have just stuck to red flavors." said the Slushee guy.

Then Daniel lost interest in physics and got some yogurt.

The Big Detective Murder Case

Detective Fakes and Detective Bender were investigating a murder. Someone had died and they had to figure out who did it. The looked for clues around the crime scene. Upon looking all around the crime scene it seemed they had some clues.

The murderer had left the clues behind. Detective Bender was a real good trained detective.
"We should check out this clue and follow it." he said.
"That sounds like a good plan." said Fakes.
"We should check out the other clues and follow them too." said Bender.
"I would do the same thing." said Fakes.

The detectives had forensics specialists analyze the data. When the data came back, all the clues pointed in the direction of a bad guy.

Detectives Fakes and Bender knew they had to find the bad guy, so they looked up addresses that were listed under his name. There was only one. They went there.

The detectives approached the suspect's address cautiously. They were prepared for anything. The premises were surrounded by other cops in case the bad guy tried to flee.

The Detectives knocked on the door. The suspect answered. He was the guy they were looking for. Fakes and Bender arrested him. He didn't put up a fight.

They took him to the station and told him all the evidence they had that he did the murder.

"That's a lot of strong evidence. I guess I was pretty sloppy this time." said the suspect.
"This time?" said Fakes.
"I mean..." said the suspect.
"You mean to say you did other murders?" said Bender.
"You got me. Man I really slipped up twice." said the suspect.
"Definitely." said Fakes.
"I shouldn't have said 'this time'." said the suspect.

The bad guy confessed to the murder and some other murders. He went to prison for murder. Justice was swift and everything was nice and tidy. It was sad those people got murdered but the detectives were happy they caught the bad guy. There wasn't much action after that.

The next day at work Detective Fakes brought in a couple of sandwiches for Detective Bender and he. They had a great dressing on them that gave them a unique flavor. They ate the sandwiches and waited for another murder to happen.

The Catchy Tune

"Hey I got this song stuck in my head." said Buzz.
"What's the song?" asked Mandy.
"I won't tell you."
"Why not?'
"Because then it'll be stuck in your head."
"What if I like the song?" asked Mandy.
"Okay, it goes doot-doot-dee-dee-dee." sang Buzz.
"Doot-doot-dee-dee-dee." sang back Mandy.
"Yep that's that one."
"Oh no, now it's stuck in my head too."
"Oy vey, well at least we're together in this! Right?" said Buzz.
"But I don't like you like that." said Mandy.
"Oh that's not what I meant. I only like you as a friend."
"Oh oops." said Mandy
"But now my feelings are hurt because of your assumption."
"Oh, I didn't mean to assume that you wanted to be with me like that. I was just protecting myself. But I'm also a little embarrassed for jumping to conclusions." confessed Mandy.

In budged Zachard.
"Hey you two lovebirds, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. And I've got to say that, first of all, that song is now stuck in my head, doot-doot-dee-dee-dee!" he sang. "Secondly, I think you two have great chemistry. Give each other a try."
"Well I told her it was an infectious song." said Buzz.
"It definitely is." said Zachard, "Doot-doot-dee-dee-dee!" he sang.
"Hey, I don't like how you called us 'lovebirds', you should mind your own business." said Mandy.
"Yeah that makes me uncomfortable too, Zachard." said Buzz.
"Why were you listening in on our conversation, you creepo?" said Mandy.
"I wasn't listening in, you're actually a loud talker. And you're actually a loud singer." Zachard said to them, "So it was hard to ignore."
"I do talk too loud!" said Mandy.
"And I can't help but belt it out." said Buzz.
"You two really belong together." said Zachard.
"Mind your own business!" said Buzz and Mandy.

Then Zachard started singing,

"Doot-doot-dee-dee-dee!"

In walked Gludge. "Hey are you singing that doot-doot-dee-dee-dee song? I heard it from another guy walking down the street. Then I turned around and the guy's head exploded. Then I switched on the radio and it intercepted the report. And every channel started playing it, or having someone sing it." said Gludge, "I think that song might be dangerous." Then Gludge stopped what he saying and started singing "Doot-doot-dee-dee-dee." Then his head imploded like a rotting pumpkin and juices squirted out his ears.

Buzz and Mandy got scared for their lives and started kissing and having sex, consensually. But more like sensually. Zachard turned and watched like a creepo.

Then the song spread across the whole state, and people traveled and it went to other states, and spread more, because it was actually a clever mind control and population control device. Then news stories were flooded with news of this stupid song and not news of other stuff. But it also spread so far that it created peace, unison and human control. Man and womankind gave up their freewill in order to obey the catchy doot-doot-dee-dee-dee! song brain massage.

Except for Buzz and Mandy, and those who made love so much and forgot the song. Zachard also forgot the song because he stood in the corner watching. And the news people who reported on the dangers of the song had to have sex and make love on TV so they could focus on delivering the news and not sing the Doot-doot-dee-dee-dee song.

The only people who survived the great Doot-doot-dee-dee-dee mind control epidemic were perverts and pervert watchers. That's right. They had to make or watch their sick pervert sexlove right out there in public, in order to block out the catchy Doot-doot-dee-dee-dee tune.

A Comb for Two

Grandy loved his comb. He walked down the street holding his comb in front of him with pride. It made him feel good having something he liked. He really wanted everyone to like him.
"What a great comb." said Grandy.
Smidge walked up.
"Hey can I borrow your comb?" said Smidge.
"Uh..."
"Please I got a tangle."
Grandy looked up at Smidge's hair and it was full of tangles, crust, and little dots. Grandy didn't know what to do. He didn't want his prideful comb to touch all that crud and crust. But he didn't want to give Smidge a reason to dislike him. He stood there for a second with worried eyes.

"Cmon, give with the comb!"
"But I..."
"Comb hog!" said Smidge.

Grandy started nervously licking his lips.
"You got somethin' against me clearing out one little tangle?" said Smidge.
Grandy's eyes zoomed and focused into Smidge's scalp. Smidge had more than just one little tangle. It was a scalp jungle in there. Filled with utter madness and chaos. Grandy had to think quickly.

"My comb has sick germs on it. From me using it too much!" said Grandy. Phew that was close. No one wants germs.
"Hey brother, your germs are my germs! We are all dying and going to hell anyway, right pal?!" shouted Smidge. Grandy's eyeballs frowned.
"I ain't askin' for us to rub urethras together... yet! Ha ha ha ha. Just want to use that fine lookin' comb." Smidge continued.

Grandy's shoulders dropped and he extended his comb hand one inch, in defeat.

"Thanks Partner!" said Smidge, as he snagged the comb and started ripping it into his grimy scalp. Crud flakes flew left and right. Elastic stringies tugged at the comb, trying to absorb it into Smidge's head. The sounds of a carpet being torn in half rang around the street.

"I think I got it!" said Smidge, "say while I've got this sucker, might as use it on my ARMPIT!" he continued. Smidge reached the comb under his big loose t-shirt and started shredding his armpit with the comb. "Ahh, what a relief!" he shouted. "Say while I'm knockin' these pesky tangles out, might as well get at one that's been buggin' me IN MY UNDERWEAR!" Smidge crammed the comb into his pants and wiggled it around. "Ahhh, feels great!" Smidge yanked the comb out of his pants and extended it right back into Grandy's face. "Here ya go, buddy! See that wasn't so bad."

Grandy was catatonically sad. Smidge picked up Grandy's hand and placed the comb in.
"Hey you're a real good buddy, buddy. I like you. Gotta go, bye!

Cheese Goes Away

Blandorf had a big pile of cheese. He was so proud of it.
"Hey." said Vulvo.
"What?" said Blandorf.
"Can have a cheese?"
"This cheese is in a pretty good place. I don't know if I want to mess with it."
"Cmon!"
"Ahh I don't know. You're really pressuring me to mess with this cheese, and I really like how it is right now." said Blandorf.

All the sudden The Weather Channel came on.
"It's expected to get really hot in a couple of minutes." said the weather man.

"Hey, did you hear that?" said Vulvo.
"Yeah what about it?" said Blandorf.
"Well it's gonna get hot."
"Yeah so?"
"So your cheese is gonna melt. Because it will be hot."
"Oh shoot well let's turn on the AC. Quick."
"We should just eat it."

The Weather Channel came on again.
"It's going to be really hot, turning on your AC will only help a little bit." said the weather man.

"AC won't help! C'mon let's let the cheeses melt. It'll be fun!" said Vulvo.
"But the cheese is perfect now!" said Blandorf, with maniacal eyes.
"It wasn't meant to stay that way! said Vulvo.
"It can be preserved!" blurted Blandorf.

"The cheese was meant to evolve."

"The cheese must stay how it is!"

"There's more cheese!" said Vulvo.
"Help me save my cheese!" said Blandorf.
"Cheese is fleeting, man." said Vulvo.

Blandorf shoved Vulvo and stood in front of his cheese, guarding it. Vulvo fell to the ground.

"What happens when you die? You think someone's gonna take care of your cheese? It's gonna melt, rot or get eaten!" said Vulvo.

Blandorf had real control issues.
"I guess that's just some real precious cheese." said Vulvo.

All the sudden it got real hot.

The cheese melted and it made a cheesy stringy blanket of thick white and yellow cheese. It looked like it was alive and going to engulf Vulvo and Blandorf.

Vulvo took a bite and pretended the cheese was a monster swallowing him.
"Oh no save me, he he." said Vulvo, jokingly.
Blandorf was so upset.
"That wasn't your cheese to take a bite of." said Blandorf.

Then a bunch of cows showed up.
"The cheese isn't actually yours to claim, Blandorf. You should have eaten it when you had a chance. Now your chance is over."
"Who are you?"
"We're Jesus Cows, from heaven!"
"What do you guys do?" asked Vulvo.
"We teach people good lessons. From heaven!"
"Not me ya don't!" said Blandorf.

Blandorf was wearing a red sweater because it was almost Christmas time. A bull was standing across the street and he was looking at Blandorf through the window. The bull got real mad because of Blandorf's red sweater, so he charged Blandorf and bull dozed through the house and window, stamping all over Blandorf and the melted cheese blob.

"Whoa that was scary." said Vulvo.

Then the bull saw the leader of the Jesus Cows from heaven and fell in love. He made love to the cow and they had a bunch of little cows. One of them went on to be very successful and attended cow college and invented College Cheese.