Big Brassy Broad Barb

Big Brassy Broad Barb strolled into the bar for a nightcap.

"Play the one I like, Petey!" she shouted to the piano player Petey. He clanked away at the keys. She waddled across the room.

"You know what I like, Mitchy!" she hollered to the bartender Mitchy, as he slid her a double gin and fizz with salt on the rim, which was her preferred drink. She liked it because it was salty. Just like her.

Brassy Barb strode across the room and fixed her eyes on a young feller sitting at a corner booth by himself. He was a young innocent looking fellow with clean looking skin, probably about twenty-five years old. Big Brassy Broad Barb stomped on up to his table. Her worn out black sequined dress dazzled and reflected the light, but her big hips and big hair obscured it.

"Mind if I have a seat!?" she shouted.
"Um, no." he said, looking up from his drink.
"Good, b'cause I was gonna take it anyway." said Barb.

Then she sat on top of him and he smooshed like a wad of play-doh.
"Mmmoohy cwamp breeeeee!" he shouted, muffled, pleading for a gasp of air.

Barb shifted a little to give him air.
"Get used to it feller, obviously your mama didn't give ya what ya need, so ol' Big Bitch Barb's gotta finish the job!"

Then she belted a tune from her seat that went along with what Petey was playing. It was a real brassy broad tune that had a bunch of words in it like sunshine, and honey, and ooh, and phrases like I can't find my baby. Then Barb leaned down to her side and say, "I know where you are, baby, it's just a song."
"Helpppleease-metmego!!!" the guy exclaimed through muffled pleads.

Then two bruisers walked into the joint. They had a threatening swagger.
"We're lookin' for a young baby faced fella. We ain't too happy with em right now. Anybody seen em?" said the bruisers.
"Sorry, bub." said Mitchy.

Then they swaggered over to Barb.
"How bout you, you brassy bosomed ol' bag?"
"How bout me, Tinkerbell?!" shouted Barb.
"You seen a pretty faced little troublemaker round these parts?"
"Baby, I haven't seen 'em, but if you wanna send a search party on up to my womb and have a look, we'll see if I'm barren after all!"
"Ah let's beat it, there ain't nothin' here." said one bruiser to the other.
"If you two Cynthias wanna make a little side dough some time, come see me, I'll put ya on the street!"

The bruisers scoffed and blew the joint. Brassy Barb leaned to her left. The young fella popped his head out.

"Gasp! You saved my life Barb, you kept me safe!" he said.
"They said I swilled away my maternal instincts but the trumpet's still a blowin!" said Barb
"I feel so safe here now. I don't want you to get up." said the young man.

And Brassy Broad Barb stayed there for days and nights and months and years smothering this young man and singing brassy broad tunes to protect him. He had also had a poor relationship with his mother and that is what caused him to get into trouble with the bruisers. So Big Barb was just want he needed. And Big Barb needed someone to feel the vibrations of her singing.

What a happy ending!