Thanksgiving Hard

The family was having a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone was there. Dad was having a blast.

"Can't wait to carve up that gobble gobble gizzard!" said Dad.
"Ew not the gizzard!" said Daughter.
"Honey, stop! That's a silly joke." said Mom
"Hey Dad, can I help carve?" asked Son.
"No way! That's my job, ha ha." said Dad.

Dad started carving the turkey slices. Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle, Aunt, and Cousins began to set the table and bring out all the warm dishes.

"Yum!" said Cousins.
"Everything looks so good I'm gonna gobble it up!" said Uncle.
"Ha ha ha, you're too much." said Aunt.
"Get it?! Gobble it up?" said Uncle to Son and Daughter.
"Yes we get it." They said.
"I used to be the one who did the turkey carving!" said Grandpa.
"Let's say a nice prayer." said Grandma.
"I'm definitely gonna eat too much." said Uncle.
"Ooh, excuse me a moment." said Dad.

Uncle's comment about eating too much reminded him that he had to go use the bathroom before eating, and also to unbutton his top pant button in advance, so he would not feel too much discomfort when he over ate all the food they had purchased and cooked. Dad walked upstairs and into the bathroom. He looked in the mirror.

"You're a handsome Dad and Thanksgiving is going great, this year." he said to his reflection. Then he sat on the toilet.

A few moments later, he was still on the toilet. From downstairs he heard a slight commotion. He pulled up his pants, and buttoned the top button, which was not his plan. He ran out to the foot of the stairs and peeked down. It was terrorists! They'd invaded the wholesome family home on Thanksgiving.

"We want zeh gravy." said the Foreign Terrorist Leader. The other terrorists surrounded the house, except for upstairs were Dad was secretly watching.
"Where ees zeh head of zeh house?" asked the Leader.

"Everybody relax I'll handle this." whispered Uncle, to the rest of the family.

"Babe, Listen." schmoozed Uncle, "the head of the house was a deadbeat Dad, took off, hit the road. But, uh, I can give ya what ya want. You want stuffing? Dark meat? White, very popular right now. Cran-babies? I can even give ya some of the pie. But listen, that's my favorite part, so uh, what do ya say we split the pie, you and me? Fifty-fifty? Sixty-forty? Eh??"

The Foreign Terrorist Leader shot Uncle in the head and blew his brains out.
"We ah here for gravy! Lots ahf gravy." said the Leader, again.
"We only have one gravy boat full! Two tops!" said Mom.
"Please! Leave us alone." said Grandma.

Dad went crawling through the house's ventilation shaft and into the attic. The terrorists didn't know he was there so he was able to surprise them one by one and kill them all. Dad got one of the terrorist's machine guns. Dad's shirt got real dirty, but he kicked some major Thanksgiving Day terrorist butt. The Leader figured out that Dad hadn't hit the road and was killing all his terrorist henchmen. So he said he was going to kill Mom if Dad didn't show up and give him more gravy.

Dad ran into the Terrorist Leader in the bedroom and the Terrorist Leader pretended to be a family member with an American accent to trick Dad.
"Oh god, you are one of them aren't you! Don't kill me!" faked the Terrorist Leader.
"Relax I'm not gonna kill you." said Dad.
"Oh good, you must be the Dad. I'm your cousin Jerry. I just want some yummy gravy. " faked the Terrorist Leader. But Dad knew that he didn't have a cousin Jerry.
"You don't fool me!" said Dad. Then he punched the Terrorist Leader in the neck and threw him out the bedroom window where he fell to his death, by impalement.

Dad had saved the day and killed the terrorists. What a great dad!

"Alright everybody let's eat!" said Dad.
"What about all these dead bodies?" asked Son.
"First we're gonna have us a nice Thanksgiving dinner, we earned it and we deserve it!" said Dad. Then they ate way too much and unbuttoned all their top buttons.

One of the terrorists on the floor was still alive but he bled out and was dead by the time they served pie.