The Self-Helper

Rufus the Dufus was so frustrated that he kicked a rock.

"Ow now my toe hurt!" he yelled.
"Hey you look mad." said Dumb Pam.
"Yeah, I was mad then I hurt my toe, now I'm mad two times." said Rufus.
"Well why don't you talk to my friend Eddie Popper who is a self-help guru and he's good for when you're mad." said Dumb Pam.
"Will he help me?" said Rufus.
"I just told you he will, idiot!" said Dumb Pam.
"I'm not idiot, I'm smart!" said Rufus the Dufus.
"Okay let's go."

Then they both turned around and fell into the chimney hole because they were on the roof of Eddie Popper's house, conveniently.

"Ouch!" they both said.

Eddie Popper ran into the room. He was crying.
"What are you two doing here?" he sobbed.
"We were looking for you to self-help us." they said.
"Why were you on the roof?" sobbed Eddie.
"We thought it was the ground." said Rufus the Dufus.
"You guys sure are dumb." said Eddie Popper.
"No we're smart!" said Dumb Pam.
"I'm so sad and unconfident." said Eddie Popper.
"Oh, well why don't you cheer up?" asked Rufus.
"Okay I'll try."
"I brought Rufus here because he's mad and needs self-help. Can you self-help him?" said Pam.
"Yes. Okay here's the trick. You got to stay positive and believe in yourself." said Eddie Popper.
"Okay thanks, I think it's working." said Rufus.

Rufus and Pam left happy.

"I'm still sad." Eddie said to himself.
"Why don't I help myself?" Eddie asked himself.
"Okay I will." he said.
"You should be more positive. And believe in yourself." he told himself.

Then he called his friend Pepper, gossiped for a while, felt much better, made himself a hot toddy and went to sleep in the nude. His body was hairy. His sheets were made of silk.