Fart Stoop Head

Fart Stoop Head sat in his afartment dumping up a storm. He was a nerd with glasses. He liked all his books. They were piled high. Sometimes he'd forget how to read.

"Damnit!!!!" he'd yell.
"Who me?!" said his neighbor Rabbi Puke Horowitz, through the wall.
"No!!" said Fart Stoop Head.
"Oh okay!" yelled the Rabbi.
"Fuck shit krap goddamnit. Now I have to learn how to read again."

So then Fart would crank open his book of ABCs and learn all the ABCs and words like cat and tree. Then he'd eventually learn how to read real well again. Then he'd read the book he'd initially intended to read.

"Aw fuck, this book is bad, all that for this?!!" he'd yell.
"You yelling at me?" the Rabbi next door would yell again.
"No, goddamnit!" Fart would yell.

Fart would also get mail addressed to Dr. Fart Stoophead. But he wasn't a doctor because he was a credit shy of getting his PhD. And the mail mistake would be a painful reminder of his failure that he put so highly on a pedestal, even though it was an irrelevant failure. So he'd call the mail office.

"Hey stop sending me stuff that says doctor!" said Fart. Then the auto-mated system of the mail office would say "Take it up with the people who sent you the mail. We're just the messenger, don't shoot us!"

Fart would also get phone calls "Hello is this Fart Stoop Head!?" "Stop calling here! Damn telemarketers!" he'd yell.

Then one day his other neighbor knocked on his door. It was Rita, she was an elephant. "Can I borrow some honey? I have strained my vocal cords." said Rita. Fart was nice about it. "Sure come on in." Rita entered and destroyed the whole front of the door and the living room. Fart thought she was pretty. They sat and had a nice chat about wood used for making guitars, even though Rita had a strained voice. Then Rita excused herself to the bathroom and Fart Stoop Head called the police to deliver flowers, which is a public service they provide for all citizens in addition to law enforcement.

The flowers arrived by the time Rita got out of the bathroom and Rita thought they were very pretty.