Monday, November 8, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Chunky Judy was a man. But she, I mean HE was pissed because his name was Judy then to make matters worse he went and got all chunky. Not like fat, I mean he was big, like naturally, but I mean chunky like chunks in the body, you know? I hope you know what I mean. It’s like when someone just has a real specific body type. Gosh, it sure is hard not calling someone named Judy “she”. Even when you know he is a he. This is where our story begins...
Chunky Judy would get so sensitive if people would call him a her or a she that he would threaten them. Tiny Lester one day at the grown-up playground was like "Haha Chunky Judy you make me wanna call you a she despite your natural masculinity." Chunky Judy got so mad that he told Tiny Lester that that was it! He said “that’s it!” He told Tiny Lester that he was going to give him a hard hug. A hard hug from Chunky Judy is not an affectionate hug. It’s like if Chunky Judy said “I’m gonna sit on you I’m heavy.” Like I said Chunky Judy’s not heavy per se. Just Chunky. So now Tiny Lester got hard hugged, he was in bad shape. The authorities and the principal of the grown-up world said “You better get into my office, Chunky Judy!” Chunky Judy took off, ran. Principal Dincipal turned to the authorities and said “Get her in my office.” They corrected him and said “Uh, remember Chunky Judy is a he, Principal Dincipal.” Then Principal Dincipal said oh yeah.
Chunky Judy’s now on the lamb, She-fuck-HE is now driving in a convertible listening to country music and picking up hitchhikers. But none try to get fresh, for fear of the famous, well NOW famous Chunky Judy Trademark Hard Hug of Legend. That’s right, 2 things. One is that once a hitchhiker tried to get fresh with Chunky Judy, do some stuff that Judy wasn’t into, he tried to get sexy w/ Chunky Judy. You know some of those road drifters are out looking for that sort of thing, maybe they didn’t feel like they could pursue that sort of lifestyle in their hometowns so they had to go on the road for it, maybe they read about it in some freeform poetry book or something. And two, remember how I mentioned that Chunky Judy’s Trademark Hard Hug is now famous and something of legend? Well that’s because when Chunky Judy hit the road after hardhugging Tiny Lester, Tiny Lester took that painful experience and capitalized on it. He wrote a whole story about his overcoming the repercussions of the Hard Hug and made a lot of money. Now Chunky Judy is very pissed because he wants a piece of his own action. He’s broke and on the road and getting felt up by drifters and not liking it at all, but secretly he does like it because he’s very repressed in the homosexual nature. Don’t you think he’d just change his name, otherwise? It can’t be that hard. He likes the struggle of saying he hates it and not wanting to change it. Work out your issues Chunky Judy, it’s okay. Chunky Judy heard me say that and he took “work out your issues” completely the wrong way. He showed up at Tiny Lester’s high security plus fancy marble mansion, which was guarded by Dobermans, or should I say Dobermen? Tiny Lester is very powerful now. Chunky Judy thought killing Tiny Lester would solve his problems but Lester people made Chunky Judy die. Such a tragic end for Chunky Judy. So misunderstood and so prone to misunderstanding.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Bobby was a kid at school who was cute but he was trying to be cool so that means he’s in the not cool group and people don’t notice he’s cute. Except the smart ones, because the cool ones are always the dumb ones who grow up to get wrinkled before everyone else. Bobby would walk down the halls and people would throw wads of paper at him, hoot and holler and he would yell back like “Aw shut up! I’m tough too! I’m tough too!” Along the way to class as he’d walk past the shitheads that he yelled with, he’d quiet up when he’d pass Isabelle at her locker. She’s a messy frazzled little thing. But sweet. And they’d stop and stare at each other and do that thing where people look up and down and shift from foot to foot. Then Bobby would remember he was cool, even though he wasn’t, and walk off hoping no one saw him talking to dusty ol’ Isabelle (who was very cute in like a European messy sort of way, but when you’re young like that you don’t really understand what’s pretty if it’s not the tough guy’s bimbo babe or Kathy Ireland or whoever is the famous babe of the day).
One day Bobby got in a car accident and had to walk down the hall on crutches. He still got a good amount of hootin’ and hollerin from the will-be-ugly-someday shitheads. So on down the hall he passes by Isabelle at her locker, and even though Bobby is all mangled and mussed, it’s still the same thing. Bobby snubs her! Bobby what a schmuck you are. He’s got some more mistakes to make I guess. You probably thought I was going to say that he learned his lesson from that car accident and now he and Isabelle are gonna get to know each other and explore the youthful chemistry that Bobby seems to deny. But you forget these folks are just kids, kids don’t know anything about learning from experience. Actually they’re not kids, they’re dogs! Bobby’s my dog and he didn’t get in a car accident he got neutered so now he’s miserable w/ a cone on his head because he wants to lick his penis. And Isabelle is a name I made up for a little dog that is nice to him when he walks down the street, but you get what I’m saying. The End.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Rrrghgrrhr was the first caveman to think about why he got bored. If you were a person in caveman time you would get so bored of all the cavemen because they are all acting the same and no one thinks to say in caveman language “Hey this cave sucks let’s decorate it!” or “Hey that waterfall is pretty, do you mind if I admit that I think it is pretty?”
Well Rrrghgrrhr thought about these things. While all the other cavemen humped, killed, and screamed at things with careless glee, Rrrghgrrhr did it with a hint of indifference.
Also in caveman time cavepeople covered themselves in feces and jumped around a lot making “Woop! Woop!” noises. Of course you know the story that has been passed down from caveperson to caveperson to stupid person to stupid person to person to you and me about how cavesters hit their women on the head to do it with ‘em. I think that was not the only way cavepeople did it with each other. The men also threw rocks at their cave dingdongs before they figured out to put 'em in the cave ladies. And before that they tried putting their cave dingalings in the cave ladies’ knees. That didn’t work.
Anyway, Rrrghgrrhr was a bored caveperson. He invented boredom. He also thought about inventing the “kiss” because before people just went “Unnghrghhh” instead of kissing. But he could never figure out the proper equation. It was a Bible guy and King Arthur that would later use Rrrghgrrhr’s theories on mouth touching to invent the kiss.
One day Rrrghgrrhr got impaled by an extinct animal’s tusk and rode off a mountain to his death. There is no way of knowing if it was suicide out of boredom or just stupidity because he was still very stupid.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Gustav new to this country. He very excited to meet friends that are not animal with horns. He come here know no one want to get a job at juice house. So many things that are great about juice. Here are the great things: Make you strong. Make you virile. Have many natural colors of the prism. Smell good make you smell good. Taste good.
Gustav find a nice place to make juice and come up with new combination of juice to drink. No one think to combining this juices! So original! True artist! Gustav is not boss, he have a boss, the boss have long hair for a man, Gustav not used to this, but he accepting of all people, so happy to be here! Opportunity.
Gustav love the juicer.
“Buzz buzz buzz” says the machine!
Be careful though, this juicer is old and does no have the protective guard for you hands that newer version have. But everyone know if you want to taste the love in the juice you have to use old machine. Love is danger! Just like childhood woman with large arm breast. Cannot breathe.
Gustav still no meet lot people in city. That okay because he just meet someone! He meet three people! Costas, Alexander, and Big Harry. These guys into such great business love to make money for people. Always good friend to rely on. So great! Gustav treat like family. He give them juice combine you never even think of. Taste so good compliment the chef. In fact this guys now best friend to Gustav.
One night for business that is very honest and good, Big Harry come to juice shop late at night where Gustav sleep. They are dealings in completely honest business transaction very good for whole family. But Big Harry’s have new friend Tony Rizzo. Rizzo nice man I can tell. He friend of Big Harry. Big Harry say he need private alone time for honest business talk with Rizzo. Gustav no mind he go in other room. Gustav sit eat some wheat and tap toe. Sudden he hear big crash bang. He go in blending room. Why is nice Rizzo trying to hurt Big Harry? “This is my friend!” he think. Big Harry being strangle by Rizzo. Big Harry point at gun on table.
“Gustav! Help me! Shoot this greasy motherfucker!” cry Harry.
Gustav force to shoot Rizzo because he is less new good friend. This no stop him only stun. Rizzo very strong, probably drink juice. Now Big Harry have upper hand. Gustav help Big Harry. Big Harry turn on old blender and put Rizzo face right into the juice while Gustav hold Rizzo hands not know this what will happen. Now Rizzo have been juiced. This not what Gustav want. He only want juice fruit. Not friend. So upset. Big Harry run away take sleeping Rizzo with him. Gustav clean up mess he no see this friend again.
Robby was so in love with this girl. She was fat, but so was he so you know they’re both good-hearted people. Anyway, she wasn’t in love with Robby so much. She was secretly in love with this more good looking fat guy. He was more slick and stuff. It wasn’t like she did anything wrong. She just fell harder for this other guy. Robby just didn’t have everything she needed. No one’s a bad guy here. And by the way, when I say “fat” I don’t mean like super fat. Just like regular sized people who look like they’re from the Midwest.
So fast forward to a few years later. Robby is much thinner, but he’s still not more good looking than the slick fat guy. He’s also still alone and hung up on the girl. One day he’s walking in a not so great neighborhood and he witnesses a drive-by on a taco stand. He was just thinking about eating a taco too! In a second I will reveal that it was just an initiation drive-by shooting w/ blanks and there was no one at the taco stand. So a bunch of doods roll back around and get out their ride surveying the taco stand congratulating each other. “Nice Job” “We really shot it up good!” “I feel very good about our work tonight.”
“Hey you guys that was scary! What were you thinking!?” said Robby.
“Hi there, we’re the Crips we’re a tough gang!”
“Well I’m Robby and I was just walking around here and feeling sad.”
“Hey man, why you got to feel sad? Is it about a bitch?”
“Yeah I guess so.”
So Robby and the Crips became very good unlikely friends.
Then Robby was walking down a street one time and he met some Bloods on accident and they started talking about Basketball Cards and became friends. The Crips found out and were like “Hey we don’t like those guys, that’s not so nice that you are becoming friends with them, you know we’re enemies right?” Robby felt like he was really stuck in between a rock and another rock like place because it didn’t seem fair that one group of friends would tell him that he couldn’t be friends w/ another group of friends. Not to mention he was still lonely, although the Crips did have some very good girl advice for him.
To Be Continued…
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Edgar rolled out of bed and scratched his balls, but didn’t wash his hands for the rest of the day. He had a dog but forgot to feed it. The dog was still nice though.
“Ruff” it said to the mailman.
So more about Edgar. He was in a shitty mood, because he had a wife 7 years ago and she treated him badly. She cheated on him. Lied. Gave him Herpes. And divorced him and because he’s lazy and disorganized she managed to get a lot of his money. Also after he was divorced he dated one person and slept with her during a Herpes outbreak and didn’t tell her. Then she got herpes. She was pissed. He probably felt bad, but didn’t really react because what’s he going to do, he already hates himself. Anyway so he’s alone.
Somedays he calls his mom to leave her a message and whine about how he has no money. She has lots of money. He hopes she’ll die. Today specifically was a not too unusual day for Edgar. He went to a restaurant and ordered a sandwich in a nonspecific way. A Rueben at a Gutterman’s Diner. Gutterman’s is known for making the best Corned Beef Ruebens. Signs all over. "Try our corned beef Reuben!" "Best Reuben in town!" "Zagat’s loves our Reuben w/ Corned Beef specifically". So fuckin’ Edgar comes here and says “Gimme the Reuben.” They bring him their famous Reuben. And what does this shitbrain do? He sends it back because he wanted Pastrami. “I wanted Pastrami!” Even though he didn’t specify. On the way back to his car he keyed someone else’s because he hates himself and is lonely.