Saturday, January 31, 2015

College is Tough

Dopey Joe went to college and and made a collage and put it on his wall. It had all his favorite male and female heartthrobs.

"He's handsome and she's pretty!" said Dopey Joe to his college roommate Jared.
"Yeah what a hunk and what a babe." said Jared.
"Hey you should respect my heartthrobs a little more, please." said Dopey Joe.
"I'm sorry."
"Wanna get some pizza now?" asked Dopey Joe.
"Yes we can cruise the pizza place for pretty girls, that's where I hear they hang out."
"And at least if there are no pretty girls we have pizza to eat!" said Dopey Joe.
"That's true!"
"And if there is no pizza to eat we have the pretty girls and handsome guys on my wall to look at it!"
"That's true too! Let's go."

Dopey Joe and Jared went to the pizza place and ordered slices. They sat at ate the pizza and looked at pretty girls and handsome guys. Then a bad guy walked in with a gun.

"Everybody freeze!" said the bad guy.
"Even the pizza?" said the pizza parlor guy!
"Yes even the pizza!" said the bad guy.
"But this is a real pizza place, not frozen pizza!" said the pizza parlor guy.
"Uh oh I'm scared." said Dopey Joe.
"I agree." said Jared.

Dopey Joe and Jared's teeth chattered.
"I'm taking all the pizza!" said the bad guy.

Then the bad guy stole the pizza and there was no more pizza there.
"At least we got pretty girls and studly guys to look at." said Dopey Joe.

Then another bad guy came in with a gun.
"Freeze! I want all the pretty girls and studly guys in here! You're comin' with me!" said bad guy #2.

Bad guy #2 rounded up all the pretties and handsomes.

"This is scary." said Dopey Joe.
"At least we still got your collage on the wall." said Jared.

They went back to the dorm room and the collage was gone too. It had been stolen by more bad guys.

"The crime rate is so bad at this college." said Jared.

This was the worst college in the country in terms of crime rate. And it wasn't a very good school either. But Dopey Joe was dumb and couldn't get into a better one. Jared was less dumb but couldn't afford a better one.

"What do we do we can't look at my collage of studs and babes!?" said Dopey Joe, who was now calling them studs and babes because his values had shifted, clearly because of the trauma and violation he'd experienced. Then he had an existential crisis and dropped out of college and got smarter.

Friday, January 30, 2015

The Scandalous Story

Scuzzy Hector turned on the news to the big story. It was a real bad story about a guy doing bad things. Scandalous.

"Oh that's terrible. How could he?" said Scuzzy Hector.

Then Scuzzy Hector ate some food with his hands and wiped his hands on his shirt and went to work. At work Scuzzy Hector's coworkers were talking about the news story.

"Did you you hear?" said Dirty Doc.
"Yeah what a creep!" said Scuzzy Hector.
"Yeah, at least we got a good thing to talk about." said Messy Dale.

Messy Dale had a point. Then their conversation came to a halt. They went back to workin'.

The next week in the news there was an update on the scandal. It was worse! Scuzzy Hector watched the story in disbelief as he picked at his underwear. The following day at work he discussed it with his coworkers.

"It's even worse!" said Scuzzy Hector.
"This whole time we thought he was better than us, turns out we're better than him!" said Dirty Doc.
"It kind of makes me feel good, a bad story like this coming out." said Messy Dale.
"I don't know about that. I feel bad that a bad guy was doing a bad thing." said Scuzzy Hector.

The next week more lighter fluid was squirted on the flaming scandal story. Scuzzy Hector watched and read all about it as he dug his pinky finger into his ear and scratched.

"Wow this is getting so crazy that this guy who we thought wasn't bad was so bad." said Dirty Doc.
"I'm embarrassed I thought he was good prior to finding out he was bad." said Scuzzy Hector.
"At least we've got something to unite us in conversation." said Messy Dale.

The dirtbag worker guys kept talking and sharing their opinions about the scandal until they started repeating themselves. Then they were sad they'd run out material to speculate on.

The following week there were no new updates about the scandal story and they had nothing exciting to talk about at work. They went home sad. Two weeks went by. No scandal updates. At best it was a rehash of the same stuff that had already happened. Scuzzy Hector stayed glued to the news in anticipation of a real update. But nothing. He passed out on the couch with his finger in his nose.

The next morning he woke up sad. He flipped on the morning news and scratched the dandruff off his head. But of course, it was a miracle. Good things come to those who wait. The scandal had escalated to even greater heights than before.

"Wow that guy is REAL bad." said Scuzzy Hector.
"And more updates expected to come in the next few weeks." said the news.

Scuzzy Hector went to work and had one of the best conversations with his coworkers ever. The future was hopeful.

Susie's Grave Error

Rocker Jim sang his rockin' song from the stage.

"Hey Babe, I like to rock arou-hound!"

Susie Sandwichhead sang along. She was a huge Rocker Jim fan. She was with her friends Martha Teeshirt and Judy Stool. They were best friends, but were also competitive with each other over who was the biggest fan of Rocker Jim. Susie Sandwichhead was sure it was her. While Martha and Judy danced to the music, Susie sang along.

"Hey Babe, I like to rock arou-hound!" she sang.
"Rockin's great for when you're feelin' dow-hown!"
"Rockin's great for when you're feelin' down!" she sang at the same time as Rocker Jim.

Susie Sandwichhead sang extra loud so that Martha and Judy would be impressed by her knowing the lyrics.

"I like a cute girl with the cool, cool shoes!" sang Rocker Jim. And at the same time Susie sang,
"I like a cute girl with the cool, cool hair!"

This was a mistake. The lyric wasn't hair. It was shoes. How could Susie get that wrong? As soon as she sang it she realized she'd made a mistake. Susie had been certain she knew most of Rocker Jim's lyrics. She flaunted her knowledge of it frequently. But she'd made a momentary error. She must have just remembered the lyric as hair and not shoes.

Susie stopped singing and froze for a moment as the concert rocked on. She glanced over at Martha and Judy who were looking at her and quickly went back to dancing away.

"Oh god." thought Susie, "Did they hear me?" she wondered. "I had been bragging about knowing every word on the ride to the concert. If they did hear, this could be bad. But they probably didn't hear. This concert is pretty loud. But then again they were glancing at me. Oh god. What do I do?" said her brain, running wild.

Martha Teeshirt and Judy Stool danced away. Rocker Jim got close to the foot of the stage, where the trio had gathered. Martha and Judy were swooning and grabbing. Susie stood there, no longer dancing or singing, but forcing a smile. Rocker Jim leaned in to give his trademark wink to one of them. The wink went to Judy. Judy screamed. Martha patted Judy on the back in a congratulatory manner. Susie was really hoping to get the wink before the concert.

In the car ride home Martha and Judy recapped how great the show. Susie sat in the backseat. She had been demoted to a much lower status amongst them. It caused a tense passive aggressive rift in their friendship. Susie carried the shame of her mistake for years. For a long time, she was very careful to not oversell herself to people she was competitive with.

She also quickly outgrew the music of Rocker Jim, due to the association of shame that it brought up from deep inside her. Her tastes and personality would go on to veer more in the direction of the music of Sobby Larry. He wrote emotional and sad songs.

"Oooh ooh I miss you." was one of Sobby Larry's most profound lyrics. Susie Sandwichhead would sing it a lot.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

The Smooch Awakening

Ray Buggs was a light sleeper and he also had crumbs in his bed, which didn't help. One morning he was awoken at 4am by the sound of his pervert neighbors kissing too hard.

"Ooh baby mwah." said the man neighbor.
"Ooh kiss me harder." said the lady neighbor.
"Yeah baby mwah mwah." said the man.
"You're so cute!" said the lady.
"You're cute too mwah." said the man.

Ray Buggs tried to put a pillow over his head, but the smooching just seemed to get louder.

"Mwah mwah mwah." they slobbered to each other.
"Will you perverts keep it down please?!" shouted Ray Buggs.
"Mwah mwah mwah." they continued.

Ray tried plugging his ears. He tried burying his head in more pillows. He tried playing a peaceful song really loud to sooth him to sleep. It only woke him up more. And nothing drowned out the loud slobbery smooches.

"That's it!" he said.

And he got out of bed, changed in nightgown and panties into slippers and sweatpants, and marched over to his neighbors door.

"Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!" said his fist, pounding on the door.

Craggy Peppers, an old feller who was asleep opened the door.
"What in the heck is going on in the world here?!" he said, rubbing the crud crust out of his old eyes.
"You perverts are smooching too loud I can't sleep!" said Ray Buggs!
"What?! Not me. My wife sleeps with her mouth open so it's dry as a desert in there. You won't get no slobbery smooch noise outta her! Plus she's sleep!" said Craggy Peppers.
"Oh... Sorry." said Ray.

Then he headed over to the other neighbors whom the smooch noises surely belonged to, along the way he realized he needed to push his garbage cans to the curb for trash day. So he did that. He also noticed the grass was getting pretty long so he cut it. He started thinking of all kinds of things he needed to do. He did them all and was very productive that morning, all before 7am. He realized the neighbor's smooching noises were a gift. He patented an alarm clock that wakes you up with the sounds of people kissing hard. It was sold at a gadgety chain store you can find in a mall. And also in those stupid catalogs you read on airplanes. Ray Buggs made a total of twenty two dollars off this invention.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Great Job Interview

Howard had an interview for a job. He walked into the room to interview for it with Jerry.

"Hey Howard, I'm the boss around here. How are you today?" said Jerry.
"I ate too much because I don't love myself and was hoping that would make me feel loved!"
"Ha ha that's funny!" said Howard.
"No I mean it, I'm telling the truth, I'm no liar."
"Oh. Well listen, I love your resume, it's really impressive."
"Thanks, it's all lies. Nothing on it is true."
"Oh. Well it was a great read."
"Thanks I wrote it myself."
"You're very talented. I like that."
"Thanks, I think I'd make a terrible employee, you shouldn't hire me."
"I'm the boss, I'll be the judge of that."
"Is this job a lot of pressure?"
"Only when I sit on you."
"Get it? Pressure!"
"How often do you sit on me?" asked Howard.
"Only when you sit in my seat." said Jerry.
"What if I stand in your seat?"
"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it."
"Sorry I get overwhelmed with all the possibilities."
"There's a lot of opportunities to move up in this job."
"I lack motivation."
"I like your go get em attitude though."
"My attitude is a bad attitude."
"It seems okay. How bad could it be?"
"Ooh that's bad. We'll have to work on that."
"I don't work well with others."
"I'd love to have you on our team."
"I don't have any experience."
"Do you want the job?"
"Great, you're hired!"

They sat there for a second.

"Okay." said Howard.
"Let's walk out of my office shaking hands so everyone can see." said Jerry.

Howard and Jerry walked out through the waiting room. Irwin the applicant had been waiting. He stood up.

"Mr. Jerry I have lots of experience and a great portfolio. I went to grad school and my requirements for the position are through the roof, I can problem solve any problem you put in front of me, have many award winning theories on how to increase revenue, and this packet I designed has the details and examples to prove it. Give me a shot and ask me the challenging questions, I guarantee my answers will impress and satisfy." said Irwin.
"What's up, nerd. We hired this guy instead." said Jerry.
"Hi I'm a failure." said Howard.
"Oh congratulations. I guess I'll go home and give up on my dreams." said Irwin.
"Bye Irwin." said Howard and Jerry.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Bob Goes Crazy

Bob Napkin sat on his chair at home and slowly went insane. His wife Nancy Napkin walked in and found him having gone insane. He wasn't making any sense.

"Treehouse, magic markers, lettuce, disposable cameras, crackers, banjo nudity." he said.
"Oh no you've gone crazy!" said Nancy.

Nancy had Bob committed to a mental institution. He went there and they gave him treatment and he still stayed crazy. They locked him up and he was crazy. He ate some pills then he stayed crazy but was quiet and crazy. He was crazy.

Nancy moved on with her life and met Henry Texas, a real gentleman.

"I swear I ain't crazy, and if I were I'd tell ya!" said Henry Texas.
"What a relief. I loved Bob, but he just seemed to go crazy, ya know?" said Nancy.
"I hear ya, gorgeous. But listen, my mama raised me not to go crazy."
"Wow, what a fabulous woman." said Nancy.

Nancy and Bob Napkin also had a kid, Josephy Napkin.

"Josephy, I'm your new dad now. You can celebrate." said Henry Texas.
"This sounds like a great deal. I didn't want a crazy dad." said Josephy.

Then they hugged. Then Nancy Napkin walked in.

"Uh-oh, are my two new favorite men having a moment?!" said Nancy Napkin.
"Yes, baby. We bonded. And by the way, you're new name's gonna be Nancy Texas." said Henry Texas.
"What about me?" said Josephy.
"You can decide what your name is when you turn 18, ya got it?" said Henry.

Meanwhile, over at the loon house, Bob Napkin, sat there thinkin' about toy trains made of cheese and fantasizing about eating spaghetti and garbage balls, instead of meatballs. Boy, was he certified!

Across town, Bob Napkin's old friend, Michael Gummies, who wore glasses and was bald, sat at work thinking.

"Gee I miss my friend Bob Napkin." he thought to himself.

Michael Gummies called up the loony institution.

"Hi." said the institution.
"Hey, I got a question about my friend Bob who is there."
"Is he there at all?"
"No, he's totally crazy, nothing of him left."
"Oh, man that's sad."
"Yep, sorry about that."
"Is there anything else I can help you with today?"
"No." said Michael Gummies.
"Would you like to take an anonymous survey about your experience on the phone with me today?"
"No thank you."
"Okay have a great day goodbye." said the institution.

Then everyone just went about their lives, and the vessel with which Bob Napkin once resided remained corrupted with a rotten processor until the day it expired.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

I Love Church

Big Greasy Larry couldn't find his remote control for his shows. It was almost 4 o'clock. The time his favorite show I Love Church came on. I Love Church was hosted by Reverend Juicy John, Sr.

"Juicy John says to love church." said Big Greasy Larry to anyone who ever complained about the problems they had. That was Big Greasy Larry's solution, because it was Reverend Juicy John, Sr.'s. 

Reverend Juicy John, Sr. was a great and charismatic motivator to Big Greasy Larry.

So anyway, back to this remote situation. Big Greasy Larry sat on the couch and panicked. He looked to his left then to his right but the remote control was on neither side.

"Where is the remote control?!" Big Greasy Larry shouted. His shout echoed through his home. He wasn't shouting to anyone in particular, he was shouting it to himself and to the world.

This really stressed him out. He thought about what Reverend Juicy John, Sr. might suggest. 

"Hmm Juicy John says to love the church. And I do love the church. So I better get to the church to figure out how to solve this stress situation." said Big Greasy Larry to himself. 

Big Greasy Larry got his ass to church and knelt before the Church Lord and sang some prayers.

"Dear Church Lord, please help me find the remote control."
"Do you know where it was when you last saw it?" boomed the voice of the Church Lord.
"I was using it on the couch." 
"Did you lift up the cushions?"
"No I didn't think to do that."
"Try that."
"Can't you just tell me exactly where it is, all-knowing Church Lord?"
"No. The Church Lord works in mysterious ways." 
"So true. So true." said Big Greasy Larry.
"Have you caught any recent episodes of I Love Church?" asked Church Lord.
"Yes, that's why I am stressing about finding my remote, I don't want to miss today's episode."
"Okay I'll let you get back home to watch it. Thanks for stopping by, it gets kind of lonely."
"I'm sorry about the loneliness. Did you try loving the church? That's what Reverend Juicy John, Sr. says."
"Yes I tried it. I'll try that a little more."
"Okay feel better." said Big Greasy Larry.
"Bye." said Church Lord.

Big Greasy Larry went home and the remote wasn't under the cushions it was where he had been sitting. He just didn't think to look there. 

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Shakeup in Dinktown

Duckery-doo was way too dinky. He went down to Dinktown and dinked around. The irony of Dinktown is that they didn't appreciate that kind of dinkiness.

"Hi I'm Duckery-doo." said Duckery-doo.
"Duckery-doo, you're being too dinky around here. We don't like that dinkiness here in Dinktown." said Deezo Duckins.
"But Deezo, don't you see that you're dinky too?" said Duckery-doo.
"Uh oh." said Deezo Duckins.
"Yeah. So now you see my point." said Duckery-doo.

Duckery-doo and Deezo teamed up to raise money with lobbyists, Dinky and Buttons, to pass legislation, from the House of Representatives in Dinktown, so that dinkiness would be a bit more welcomed. It worked.

"I hearby declare it's okay to be a little dinky or even very dinky in Dinktown. I looked at the Dinktown rulebooks and I'm not really sure where the language came from that forbade dinkiness, but it's been removed, nonetheless." said King Beezo.
"Hooray!" said Duckery-doo, Deezo Duckins, Dinky, and Buttons. And King Beezo.

No one else was at the town meeting where he declared it. This was not a very hot button issue for Dinktown so few paid attention. It only got a small little corner piece coverage in The Dinktown Press. But over the years we would start to see dinkiness really let up and become a normal thing to be in Dinktown. 

"Well guess I'll be on my way." said Duckery-doo.
"What?! But we've done so much work." said Deezo Duckins.
"It's true. And there's more work to be done elsewhere." said Duckery-doo.
"I'll miss you too." said Buttons, the lobbyist.
"Hey nice to meet you." said Dinky, the lobbyist.

Dinky the lobbyist wasn't that enthusiastic about saying goodbye, he was not so sweet or even dinky, he was kind of a wormy weasel type who couldn't be trusted. But he was good at his job and that's what was important for this situation. Duckery, and Deezo needed a guy like Dinky on the team to do some shady things, like dig up dirt on King Beezo's wife, Queen Beezy, who was having an affair with Funny Doopy. 

"I'm gonna leak that you and Funny Doopy have been doing more than meeting for exercise class, if you don't have a talk with King Beezo about this dink situation." said Dinky. Then he showed her pictures with proof.
"Okay I'll talk to him." said Queen Beezy.

Then she told King Beezo he should really listen to those lobbyists and dinky types, because they had a point.

See that part gets left of the story out, because it's kind of scandalous and private to be spreading around, but it happened nonetheless.

"Anyway, I've got to go, this has been a productive day, bye!" said Duckery-doo.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Roscoe's Practice Space

Roscoe didn't feel like he was very good at a few things.

"I have all these paintings but I don't know how to hang them." he said.

He called his mom. "Mom what do I do?"
"Just hang the damn things!" said Mom.

Roscoe went and got a bunch of stuff for hanging. Hammers, nails, screws, wires, a level, the hanging works! He was overstocked if you ask me. Roscoe got to work hanging them pictures. The first one looked like krap. He hung another. It looked like krap too. He hung more. Then more. Then more again. You get it.

Hours and days later he'd hung every picture on the wall and a lot of them looked like shitjobs but the last few were really nicely placed.

"Hey this room looks good!" he said.

He also wasn't very good at making love to his woman. So he called her into the room.

"Hey you put a lot of pictures in this room."
"Yep I practiced, now I'm great at picture hanging."
"Let's make love on this sofa here."
"Okay I've never made love on this sofa." said Roscoe's woman.

Roscoe and his woman made way too much love on the sofa. They made love for what seemed like weeks. Roscoe's skin felt like he was gonna peel off. He was ill.

"Hey you're getting pretty good at that lovemaking." said Roscoe's woman.
"Wow really?"
"That makes it all worth it." said Roscoe.

Then Roscoe thought of what else he wasn't great at. Drawing noses. He was good at drawing eye balls but not noses. So he whipped out a piece of paper and got to work. He still was bad then he got bored of trying and made more love to his woman.

Then George Fancini walked into the room.
"Hey what the heck are you people doing in my vacation home!?!" said George Fancini.
"I'm getting good at stuff." said Roscoe.

Roscoe and his woman didn't think anyone would be coming into the room for a long time because no one had come in the room for a long time.

Big Mouth Blatherhouse

Big Mouth Blatherhouse wouldn't shut up.
"Hey Everyone it's all about me!!!" he said.

He ran his trap all the time.
"Let me tell ya another thing! Cuz I know about it!" he went on.

He always had a big opinion about everything.
"The Star Guy in the movie Space Station could never win in a dual against Lizard Jerry from the movie Reptile Planet! It's a fact!"

 People didn't want to hear it.

"Shut up Blatherhouse." said people.
"...and so I said ...but he told me... so I went up to him ...and that's how I got to be the boss of him!" he blathered.
"Oy vay, make him stop!" said everyone else around him.

But Big Mouth Blatherhouse would just keep talking and not listen to the people around him.  He also couldn't be trusted if he did listen to them.

"Big Mouth, can I tell you a secret?" said Jenny Sweetstuff.
"Sure, Jenny Sweetstuff. I think you're so special and such a babe and you can always trust me because I'm like a down to earth honest stud, obviously." shouted Big Mouth Blatherhouse. He fancied himself a smooth talking ladies man with a sensitive perspective. And a sensitive touch.
"Okay. I have two secrets." said Jenny.
"I'm also a great lover!! Let me hear both your secrets!" said Big Mouth.
"The first one is that I have an eating disorder. The second one is that one time I had my heart broken." said Jenny Sweetstuff.
"Sweetstuff, don't worry. Your sweet secret is safe with me." he said.

Then he went and told everyone. What a big mouth!
"Yeah Jenny Sweetstuff is in love with me, she confessed all this personal stuff to me and I have her wrapped around my finger. You know she has an eating disorder? Go easy on her she's real fragile! I might take her out, still thinking about it..." said Big Mouth in front of a lot of people, to Ted Dweebo, who had a big crush on her.
"I'm so sad he told everyone my secrets." said Jenny Sweetstuff, when she found out.

Jenny Sweetstuff also had poor judgement for even thinking she could trust a guy like Big Mouth Blatherhouse. It was probably her upbringing.

Big Mouth Blatherhouse also had such a big mouth that he ate children and didn't even realize it.

"Where's my baby?" said Judith the Mom, about a baby that Big Mouth Blatherhouse ate.

One day the town was terrified, because it was a harbor town, and this big mean whale Jehoshaphat was headed toward the land and this whale always liked to eat a person then go back to sea. The town thought they could be sneaky and push Big Mouth Blatherhouse to the harbor and Jehoshaphat the Whale would eat him. So they drugged and kidnapped Big Mouth one night then left him on the harbor for Jehoshaphat to swallow. But when Blatherhouse woke up he started blathering at the approaching Jehoshaphat and Jehoshaphat got real worn out and tired of Blatherhouse's blathering, and Jehoshaphat the Whale had a heart attack. PETA was pissed off, and Big Mouth Blatherhouse declared himself the king whale of the town. And the town never heard the last of it.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Ronnie with the Loud Jacket

Ronnie with the Loud Jacket put on his loudest jacket for his big party that he'd invited all his friends too. It was his party so he wanted to be the life of it. The colors on his jacket clashed and were bright, and really caught your eye. The loud jacket was a sure way to be the life of the party. It could be a nice extension of his personality. And in those moments when his personality lacked, the loud jacket would take over. Ronnie was set. He had this puppy under control. He was gonna steal home base for sure!

There was no way Ronnie was going to let this party be anything but awesome. He kicked his maximum preparedness into overdrive. In order to be ready for anything Ronnie practiced fun things to say in front of the mirror for the party. Great things like,

"Hey Babe! Talk to the jacket, it's got a personality of it's own!"
"I'm in mid conversation, maybe my jacket can keep you enthralled for a few!"
"Sorry, did you just say something to me, or was that my jacket?"
"Uh, my eyes are up here!"
"No, you can't try it on!"

His confidence was as loud as his jacket. "Yessss!" he said, "this is gonna be great!"

Ronnie with the Loud Jacket also rented a banana colored convertible, which gave his jacket a real run for the loud money. He pulled up to the party ballroom, confidence in hand. He walked up to the doors ready to be cheered on. He opened the doors. The party room was empty. There was no one in there.

Ronnie with the Loud Jacket walked around the empty room.

"Clok... clok... clok... clok..." said his shiny shoes.

He stood there for a second... "Hello?" he said, looking around. There was no one there. Anywhere. Maybe it was a surprise party? This would be some good fun. He catalogued in his head all the best surprised expressions he could make when and if they jumped out for him. But no one jumped out. He became perplexed.

Ronnie walked to the corner of the room, so he could see every entrance and exit. The closed doors sat motionless. Ronnie with the Loud Jacket sat in a chair in the corner, in the big empty party room, looking at the empty party room, wearing a very loud jacket, that no one could see.

He sat there for two hours. No one showed up. He stood up, wearing his loud jacket. He walked across the long empty, echoey room, wearing his loud jacket, which was very loud through the entire walk toward the exit. Ronnie with the Loud jacket got into his loud yellow car and drove home.

He fell asleep on his couch wearing his Loud Jacket. The next morning Ronnie put the loud jacket in the incinerator and returned the yellow rental car. It was expensive.

"Looking forward to your party on Tuesday, Ronnie." said Beth the rental car lady.
"Huh?" said Ronnie.
"Your party. Tuesday! I'm excited for it." Beth pulled out Ronnie's invitation.

Ronnie looked at it. The party was on Tuesday. Ronnie had forgotten his party was on Tuesday.
"Oh..." he said.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Blondie and Red

Blondie got in a fight with Red at the local saloon.

Dirt Ed liked it.

"My hair is better than yours." said Red.
"You ain't got what I got." said Blondie.
"Thank the Lord, Amen!" said Red.

Dirt Ed smiled.

"What kinda product you use in your hair? Lactic acid?" said Red.
"I'll bet you ain't a natural." said Blondie.

Dirt Ed took a swig of some beer with crud flakes around the rim of the glass.
"This is gettin' good." said Dirt Ed.

Blondie poured a Pina Colada drink on Red's sweater. Red was mad about that, so she punched Blondie in the boob. Blondie leaned over nauseated.

"Ooh we might have a victor." said Dirt Ed.

Blondie came back up with an uppercut to Red's nose. Red's nose bled and the blood dribbled down to her red lipstick. Red grabbed a vodka shot and shot it into Blondie's face then took a cigarette lighter and lighted her hair on fire.

"Uh oh I don't like this anymore." said Dirt Ed.

Blondie screamed and start batting her head. Burly Juffy came running with a pitcher of water and dumped it on Blondie's head. Blondie'd had a lot of product on her hair. the left side of her head was charred and the right side was still blonde.

"I'm gonna kill you!" screamed a crazed Blondie.

Red screamed too as Blondie tackled her and ripped her to the ground. They scuffled and screamed as they ripped each other to shreds. Red had red scratch marks on her face. Blondie bled all over Red. Red tried to grab Blondie's scalp. When she pulled her hand back there were stringy lines of gooey charred flesh that stuck to Red's fingers, like rubber cement.

They punched and fought and screamed for what seemed like hours until the police showed up. The both of these feisty women had done major damage that would not be repaired without the serious aid of reconstructive surgery.

When interviewed by the police Dirt Ed sobbed, "It started out kind of fun and playful, but it quickly turned into one of the most horrible things I've ever witnessed. And there was nothing I could do to stop it."

See, Dirt Ed was confined to a broken wheelchair. It couldn't even roll. He spent most of his time in the saloon and had to be carted around. He would have broken up the fight when it got really nasty, if he could have walked or rolled.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Marty Doodles' One Man Show

Mom and Dad aka Mike and Linda had the weekend free. Mike knew this weekend was coming up. He had purchased tickets in advanced to a nice event. The papers had advertised that Marty Doodles was going to be in town, at the local nice theater, performing his one man show.

"Oh, honey that should be very fun." said Linda.

They went to the show and Marty Doodles really dazzled them. The show was about Jazz and Baseball. You could tell Marty Doodles, the performer, really loved those subjects. Marty played multiple characters. Sometimes his characters argued about the game of baseball.

"He's out! 
He's safe! 
He's out! 
He's safe! 
I say he's out!
I say you're out... out ta lunch!"

Then the audience would laugh. Then Marty Doodles did a black guy Jazz character. Even though he was a white guy. The audience smiled throughout it and found it very pleasant. Then Marty Doodles did a medley of Jazz standard parodies. This made the audience roar with feelings of being entertained.

Mike and Linda filed out of the theater smiling, alongside other couples doing the same. Mike went on at length about the show,

"...and wow he sure could do it all, what a fabulous entertainer." he said. Then Mike noticed Linda seemed uncomfortable. "Linda? You alright dear?" he asked.
"Yes, yes I think I'm suddenly tired, we should probably get home."
"Okay sure. We can keep talking about Marty Doodles on the way home." said Mike.

Then next Monday at work Marty told his coworkers about the show, "...and he did this great black jazz guy character. It was a hoot."
"Yes, yes I loved it too." said Dale.
"You were there?" said Mike.
"Yes, me and Alice both." said Dale.
"Oh I wish I'd seen you!"
"Yes well tell Linda I said hi!" said Dale.

Mike went home and told Linda that Dale and Alice were there and Dale said hi.
"I have to go out and grab some medicine to ease my nervous stomach, I'll be back."
"Okay bye honey. Gosh can't get over that Marty Doodles."

Linda drove to a payphone and called Dale.
"What are you thinking telling Mike to tell me you said hi?!" said Linda.
"I'm sorry baby, it's just, when I saw you exiting in the lobby at Marty Doodles' one man show all I wanted to do was come up to you and ask you if you if you liked the show! But instead you looked away and left with your husband!" said Dale.
"I understand, but this is crazy! And yes, the show was great. It's amazing how he can do so many characters. I loved the Jazz guy." said Linda.

Linda and Dale had been having an affair for many months. They agreed to meet at a motel the next week. Mike became suspicious. Linda and Dale were in the motel room making love and Mike burst in.

"Linda you slut! Dale you son of a bitch!"
"Gasp!" said Linda.
"Take it easy, Mike!" said Dale.
"How could you?!" said Mike.

Mike figured out that Linda had seen Dale at the Marty Doodles show and that was why she acted weird. Mike was never able to enjoy Marty Doodles' entertainment again.

I don't know what happened to Dale's wife Alice.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Case of the Missing Murder

Detectives Mueller and Skoakes were on the case. The case of the missing murder. The murder happened around dark time on a Saturday. It was reported to the cops. The detectives arrived on the scene. Then they had to go to the bathroom. The next thing they knew the murder was missing.

"Shoot! I shouldn't have had to take that pee!" said Mueller.
"Me too." said Skoakes.

Mueller and Skoakes asked around. They got some good clues. One of them was a lead to where that murder had disappeared too. It was in a dark alley.

"I hope this alley doesn't wind up being a red herring!" said Mueller.
"Me too." said Skoakes.

They arrived at the alley and shined their car lights down it. At the end of the alley they saw Dobson the Dirtbag, holding a gun.

"Don't mess with me coppers!" shouted Dobson, then he fired a shot.
Our hunky detectives dodged the bullet and took off on a hot foot pursuit after Dobson.

"I'm goin' up these stairs you jerks!" shouted Dobson, as he pointed to a staircase.
"We're following you!" shouted Mueller and Skoakes. The detectives ran all the way up the stairs and didn't find him.

"Darn it! I was sure he'd be up here." said Mueller.
"Me too!" said Skoakes.
"He's missing." said Mueller.
"Listen, I think I've got to run home. I've been meaning to have a talk with my wife about our relationship. Would you mind looking for the bad guy and the missing murder without me for a bit?" asked Skoakes.
"Sure, buddy I hope I find it."
"Me too!" said Skoakes.

Skoakes drove home and had a long chat with his wife Cindy. Cindy was going to group therapy and working on talking about her feelings. Skoakes was a detective so he could tell something was off about her behavior, she just wasn't good at expressing it. They talked about their feelings and it was real helpful for the both of them.
"I knew most of that stuff. I could tell what you were feeling because of my detective training."
"You're a good detective." said Cindy.
"Thanks honey."
"There's one thing you didn't know that I've been meaning to tell you."
"I'm pregnant."
"Wow I had no idea, I guess I need to work on my detective work." said Skoakes.
"I love you and am excited to have a baby!" said Cindy.
"Me too!" said Skoakes.

Then the phone rang. It was Mueller.
"Hey Skoakes, while you were away, we found the murder! It had been moved!"
"Great news!" said Skoakes.
"Yep, looks like a septuple homicide, gangland execution style. One crime boss, one hooker, one henchman, one torture victim, one regular bystander, and the local billionaire's son." said Mueller.
"Sounds like a big one." said Skoakes.
"Hey guess what? We're having a baby!"
"Hey!! Congratulations!" said Mueller.
"Okay I'm headed to the scene now can't wait to congratulate you in person." said Mueller.
"I'll be there soon."
"Oh and Skoakes be sure to pee before you get here!" said Mueller.
"You too!" said Skoakes.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

How to Figure it Out

Junior tried to figure it out real hard. He didn't know if he could. He kept working at it.
"Maybe this is it!" he'd say. Then that wouldn't be it.
"Damnit!" he'd say when it wasn't it.

He asked around. He chatted some people up.
"Hey do you know? Because I'm trying to figure it out."
"Don't bug me!" They'd say. He didn't mean to bug people. Then he tried more caution than usual, in case he was bugging people.
"Hey sorry to bug you," he'd open with, "but I'm just trying to figure it out."
"You know it's not really any of my business." They'd say sometimes.

He asked his dad, Senior.
"Son, some things you just have to figure out yourself." said Senior.

He started to think maybe if he couldn't understand it it just wasn't for him, this thing.

Then he saw other people and this one person did a thing that put him in a stressed out situation.
"I got to get out of here." said Junior.
"Too bad, tough break, now beat it." said the stressful person.

Then Junior went and told his dad Senior about the thing.
"Son you can't come complaining to me every time there's a thing like that." said Senior.
"Oh shoot." said son, I mean Junior.

Then Junior practiced real hard at getting in stressful situations and not going and complaining. Instead of figuring it out he just made himself miserable.

"I stink, I didn't figure anything out." said Junior.

But what he didn't realize was that those stressful situations were giving him reference points for figuring it out when someone asked him.

Then he got older, his skin got thick and cracky looking. He wasn't like as old as Senior, but he was older, you know. Senior died though, it was sad. Junior was sad.

"I should have asked you more." said Junior, as he sobbed at Senior's funeral.
"It wasn't what he wanted." said old wise friend of Senior.
"What do you know? Why are you so wise?" asked Junior.

One day a young someone came up to Junior and asked him some things about what the deal was. Junior found that he had a lot of answers.
"Wow how do you have so many answers?" said the someone.
"Hmm because I've been there and I've done that, so I know from what." said Junior.
"Wow, I bet you're lying and someone must have told you." said the someone.
"Nope I lived it, kid." said Junior, "Also my dad didn't talk as much as I do, so you're lucky I'm telling you. You better listen."

The young someone didn't listen and he went and made a bunch of mistakes then learned about the things from the mistakes.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Popular Pam

Popular Pam was the hottest babe in town. I mean this bitch was so hot. Oh my god you shoulda seen her body damn, damn damn. Ooh ooh. Damn what I wouldn't give!! Man and like when it's hot outside and she sweated a bunch ooh damn bro I wish I had got to the look at her wearing a bikini. And she walked around and got everything she wanted cuz she was so hot oh my god wow!

One day as well as a different day she treated a bunch of people real krappy because she was so damn hot, even guys! And guys were like,

"Oh damn I can't believe how hot she is she has boobs."
"Sorry suckers." Pam would say.
"Baby, gimme some." said Eddie Dinkins
"How bout I give ya none!" said Popular Pam.
"Oooooh" said the rest of the fellas.
"I think you're cute." said Marvin Yumster.
"Cute is all? Take a fall!" said Popular Pam.
"Daaaaaaaamn." said the fellas.
"Baby, is you going to letting me gives you a kiss?" asked Jose Trujillo.
"No way, Jose." said Popular Pam.
"Ohhhhh." said the fellas.

Then there was Myron the Stooge, who also wanted to kiss Pam.

"I think your a hot babe and wanna kiss ya, baby." said Myron the Stooge.
"Ew, never with you!" said Popular Pam.

One day Popular Pam got old and fat and, even though I still thought she was hot because I'm into that sort of thing, people didn't notice as much.

"Hey suckers it's me Pam. Ready to have your socks knocked off by me?" she'd say when she walked by, but then all the bros would be like, "Ah get over yourself Pam."

Popular Pam didn't know what the hell to do. All she'd ever known was being the damned hottest smokinest babe in town. She couldn't turn them heads no more. She walked down the street in her dumb bikini that no one noticed, sad and defeated by life. She wasn't Popular Pam any more. She was just Pam. Plain Pam.

"I'm still starin' at ya, baby." said Myron the Stooge.
"Huh?" said Pam.
"Dat's right. How bout ya marry me?" said Myron.
"I always thought I'd do better. Like get a hunk with money."
"I got a lotta money!"

Myron was good at investing. And banks and selling and stocks and shit. He also still thought Pam was beautiful. Even on the inside, even though he didn't know what that meant or how to see people's inner beauty. He was a stooge lookin' for a trophy. He just thought she was hot. Though I would say, as soon as Pam got ugly to everyone, some of that inner beauty started to shine because you could see the struggle in her, ya know? Maybe it's just me and I'm attuned to that sorta thing.

"Okay I'll marry you." said Pam.

And that is how it works.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

The Drowning

Mel walked alongside the river.
"Hey." said Bert.
"Oh hi." said Mel.
"Can you help me? I'm drowning." said Bert.

Bert was in the river and splashing around slapping the water.
"Oh no, be careful."
"Get me a branch." said Bert.

Mel handed him a branch.
"No you're supposed to hold on to the branch while I grab it."
"Oh sorry, I'm new to this." said Mel.
"That's okay. Try again but don't let go." said Bert.
"Here hold on to this." Mel held out a stick.

Bert grabbed it but it broke.
"That was more of a stick." said Bert.
"Oh sorry, I guess you're right."
"I'm sorry to bug, could you try again?" asked Bert.
"Sure it's no problem. I'm happy to help."

Mel went and looked for a branch nearby.
"I'm not running away, I'm just looking for a good branch."
"I can still see you, don't worry." said Bert.
"So, is this your first time drowning?" asked Mel as he searched.
"Nah, happens all the time."
"You can't swim?"
"I've just been so busy lately, hard to find time to fit in lessons."
"I totally get it, I've been swamped lately." said Mel.

Then Mel found a big heavy branch and dragged it to river.
"How's this branch?" asked Mel.
"Perfect, I think it will save my life. Let me give it a try."
Bert grabbed it and pulled himself out of the river.

"Hey thanks for saving my life." said Bert.
"Oh sure no problem."
"I'm Bert."
"I'm Mel."

They shook hands.
"You sure looked scared in there." said Mel.
"I was. Man it was scary."

All of the sudden, Bert slipped and fell back in the river.

"Oh no I am drowning again." said Bert.
"Oh no." said Mel.
"Can you save me?"
"Gosh, Bert. I am supposed to be meeting someone, do you mind if I take off?"
"Yeah that's cool, man. See ya!"
"Sorry about that." said Mel.
"No prob." said Bert.

Alien and Weed Guy Make Friends

An Alien came down to Earth and landed in a field. The Alien walked to a small grocery store. He walked inside it.

"Hi I'm from space." said the Alien.
"Well welcome, have a look around and I hope you mean no harm." said the friendly rural clerk.
"I mean no harm." said the Alien.

Then a weed guy walked into the grocery store.

"Whoa bro are you a alien?!" asked the weed guy.
"Yes." said the Alien.
"Do you think aliens are totally rad?" said the weed guy.
"I think so." said the Alien.
"Do you think, like, if you hung out with a Ninja and a Monkey it would be hilarious?"
"Hmm no not really." said the Alien.
"What about a Ninja, a Monkey and a Pirate, and you!?"
"Man I think that would be so hilarious." said the weed guy.
"I guess it's not my humor."
"Weird. Do you think it's funny when people say 'taint' and 'milf' or 'what's up bitches!' in like a loud voice?"
"Hmm no."
"What about when people say something 'smells like ass' or when they call their private parts 'junk'?"
"Maybe I thought 'smells like ass' was funny the first time I heard it socially, but not anymore." said the Alien.
"Damn bro, I think all those things are hilarious every time I hear them!" said the weed guy, "I guess that's why you're a alien. Hey! You're literally a alien!" said the weed guy.
"Didn't you think it was funny the way I just said 'literally'?" asked the weed guy, incredulously.
"I'm afraid I don't get it." said the Alien.
"Guess you got to be a human being to get it." said weed guy.
"I don't think any of those things are that funny either." said the clerk.
"Are you an alien?" asked the stoner.
"No." said the clerk.
"Do you have Flamin' Hot Cheetos?" asked the weed guy.
"Yes they are right in front of you." said the clerk.
"Oh shit, thanks bro. Just these."

Then the weed guy paid for his Cheetos. He opened them and started eating them.
"Hey alien do you want some?" asked weed guy.

The Alien tried them and coughed because he didn't expect them to be so flamin' hot. But he liked them. The clerk had some too. They all shared like nice friends.

"Those are pretty good." said the Alien.
"I love these things, man!" said weed guy.
"Thank you for sharing. I'd like to take some home with me, but I don't have any human money."
"Oh dude, I just got paid I'll get them for you." said weed guy.
"That's so nice of you." said Alien.
"Hey guys, wait... They're on the house." said the clerk.
"Sweet!" said weed guy.
"This was a fun trip." said Alien.
"Safe travels!" said the weed guy and the clerk.

Then the Alien took Flamin' Hot Cheetos to another planet and invented diarrhea there.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The Afterwork Loadoff

John Tits wanted a beer after work because he was tired. He went to the beer restaurant and sat at the table. The restaurant's doctor approached.

"Hi Doctor can I has a beer?" said John Tits.
"Hello Mr. Tits how ares you family?" asked Doctor.
"Oh don't get me start on them! Just beer please." said Mr. Tits.
"Okay I will prescribe you one beer let me know if that not enough." said Doctor.

The Doctor brought John Tits a beer.

"Glug glug glug glug. Aaahhhh." said John Tits, "Hey Doctor you served me an empty beer what gives?" he continued.
"Hey are you trying to trick me? I'm sure it had beer in the beer." said Doctor.
"Hehe." said John
"It's unlawful to trick a Doctor."
"Okay you got me. I drinked it. Gimme a new beer now so I can drink it too." said John Tips.

Doctor prescribed him another beer.
"Thanks for the subscription, Doc!" said John Tits.

John Tits wanted to hear some tunes so he sauntered over to the jukebox with his quarter. There were so many good songs to choose between.

"Play the audio from the Hindenburg Disaster!" shouted Bambi Potson.
"I can't play that one. Brings back too many bad memory." said John Tits.
"Oh I sorry." said Bambi.
"No it's okay. It's just, we played that at my wedding. Then my wife left me."
"Oh I so sorry." said Bambi.
"For what?" asked John
"That your wife left you."
"Yeah she left me at the grocery store to buy store-bought pizza while she went and ate at Pizza Teepee, which is my favorite pizza place. And she knows I prefer it to store-bought. Boy was I mad that day." said John Tits.
"Play 'Houston, we have a Problem'," said Bambi.
"Ooh that one really makes me shake my tushie." said John Tits.

John Tits and Bambi started boogie-woogie-ing on the dance floor to the Apollo 13 astronauts in distress audio. It was really riling the joint up. Then the school principal, Mr. Dukens walked in.

"Hey you two don't you know there's no dancing here!?" said the principal.
"Uhh.. Hi Mr. Dukens." said John Tits.
"Why don't you two keep a little distance between you and go back to drinking your beers?" said Principal Dukens.
"Yes sir." said John, as the principal walked away.
"Ugh, can't stand him he's such a lamewad." muttered John to Bambi.
"Hey wanna get outta here?" asked Bambi.
"Okay, whadaya say you come back to my place and you and my wife talk about sewing while I check on my baby boy who is sleeping and whisper that I love him." said John Tits.

John and Bambi paid their tab and headed for the door.
"Don't forget to tie your shoelace every day!" said the Doctor.
"I love that guy he so concern for my health." John.

Then they went to the wrong house with a different woman and baby who played wife and son with John.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Jerry Worry Goes to a Wedding

Jerry Worry got invited to a wedding that said to wear all black on the invitation. The day of the wedding came. Jerry pulled out his black suit.
"Uh oh." said Jerry.

There was a yellow stain on his black pants. He wet it down. It didn't come off. He went to pull out another pair of black pants from his drawer.
"Where are they?!" he said.

He couldn't find them. He checked his hamper. They were dirty.
"Oh no!" said Jerry.

Jerry didn't have time to wash either pair of black pants. Jerry scrambled. Jerry panicked. Jerry worried. Jerry had no choice but to wear brown pants. But what would everyone at the wedding think? Would they hate him? Would the friends of the bride and groom think he was ruining the affair? What would the bride and the groom think of Jerry? Surely they were going to regret inviting him.

Jerry went to the wedding with his brown pants.
"Everyone sees my pants, everyone sees my pants, everyone sees my pants." was racing through his brain.
"Jerry!" shouted Marv Happelman, as he approached Jerry.

Uh, oh. Marv's very observant. Was Marv going to say something about Jerry's pants? Jerry hoped he wouldn't.

"You look great, Jerry. It's gonna be a beautiful ceremony, isn't it?"
"Thank you. Yes." muttered Jerry.
"I'll see ya in a little, babe." said Marv as he walked away.

Well that was damn close. Jerry got off easy.

Now was time for the ceremony to start. Jerry had taken the corner seat of the back row. So no one would look at his pants. The ceremony went off without a hitch. Except for a slight snafu were the best man, Herman Waxler, almost fumbled the ring, jokingly. Everyone laughed. Jerry wanted to laugh but he was so darn nervous that he was going to get in trouble for having the wrong pants.

Now was time to eat. Everyone clamored for the nosh. It was quite a spread. Judy Cornhouse spilled shrimp sauce on Richie Dittelman's trousers. Everyone laughed. Then Jerry noticed that Richie was wearing all blue. Pants and jacket.
"Great wedding!" shouted Richie.

Jerry had worried so much about his pants color. Richie didn't seem to care. This wasn't fair. Jerry Worry was relieved none the less. He spent the rest of the evening socializing and yucking it up. Every one of his conversations was about how he was nervous because he wore the wrong color of pants.

Life's Wild Ride

Dan, Todd, Jed, Harry and Sport were great friends. They did everything together in their youth including a little hell-raising. They even grew old together and stayed friends.

"I'm loving my life!" said Harry.
"I love to party and I'm doing it with you guys!" said an aging Sport.
"Hey I always loved to rock, and now I'm getting to, life's great. Cheers to us!" said Jed.

Todd was the doctor of the bunch. They were all proud that he went into the medical field and was a real success. They were almost as proud as Todd's parents. Almost. Ha ha.

"Hey Todd can you check my pulse?!" joked Sport, when Todd had just become a doctor.
"Hey Todd I think I need a prostate exam!" he joked again when they got a little older.

They all got married and had lovely wives, except Harry who had a lovely husband named Ricky. The guys loved to razz Harry about having a husband, but Harry enjoyed a good razzing. These guys were his friends and only friends like these could make those jokes and get away with it. Harry knew Todd, Jed, and Sport loved him. And he loved them too. And Ricky grew to love them all. Wives included.

Jed became a successful songwriter. He wrote a beautiful hit called These Days are Ours about his relationship with the buds he grew up with. It was used in a lot of wholesome American commercials. And even a couple of films. Jed bought a lake house with the money he made from the song and invited his pals to it.

When Harry's adopted son Devon had his Bar Mitzvah, Sport gave Devon a big check and a note that said:

I became a man with your father and now you are a man too. 
Congrats, kid. Let's party! 
Love, Sport

When they were in their sixties, Sport needed a liver transplant. He might have done a little too much partying.

"Life is for living!" he would say.

When he found out his liver was in trouble the first person he called was Todd, the doctor, to find out what he should do. Todd personally called the best professional he knew and Sport wound up getting a liver transplant. From them on he switched from beer to sparkling water! The guys were all relieved he recovered.

One day, in their golden late seventies, Sport, Harry, Jed, and Todd, all sat on the back patio of Jed's lake house reflecting on their lives together, as their grandkids played and swam in the lake.

"Hey what ever happened to Dan? You guys remember him?" said Todd.
"Good question." said Jed.
"Who?" said Harry.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

The Room's Allegiance

Jebby Jiggles was the underdog. Big Man Mooser was the toughy.

"Hey Loser!" said Jebby Jiggles.
"What!? Huh? How come you being mean to me? I'm the toughy." said Big Man Mooser.
"Not any more." said Jebby.
"Well I don't think I'm a loser I think I'm cool." said Big Man Mooser.
"No, you're a loser. Hey everyone! Isn't he a loser?!" shouted Jebby Jiggles to everyone around.

Everyone looked over at underdog Jebby standing up for himself and shifting the spotlight to Mooser's inadequacies.

"Hey we never noticed before, but yeah it looks like Big Man Mooser is the loser!" said the mob mentality of the whole room.
"Hey change your minds everyone, I'm not the loser! This underdog guy just started picking on me and I didn't do anything to him." said Big Man Mooser.
"Hmm." said the mob mentality room, unsure of what to opinion to have.
"Look, I'll even do a cool dance to show you I'm fun and got reasons to be liked." said Big Man.

Then he did a fun dance and half the room went "Aaaah" because they liked it. The other half were unsure what to think because they didn't know what was cool.

"That dance is actually so dumb!" said Jebby Jiggles, making fun of the dance, to try to sway some opinion away from Big Man Mooser's favor.
"Now I think the dance is dumb." said a fraction of the people in the room.
"You think you can do better?" said Mooser to Jebby.
"No! I don't do dancing I use my mind instead, dummy!" said Jebby Jiggles.

This comeback was pretty strong and Big Man Mooser had no quick response. He took too long to think of one and the window passed. The room crowned Jebby Jiggles the underdog king. Big Man Mooser then was the real underdog. Because Jebby was the hero underdog.

"Hey everyone! He played dirty underdog! It wasn't fair." said Mooser, "I'm not a mathman but I think that makes me the underdog."
"Hmm..." said the room, then they changed their minds and crowned Mooser underdog king.
"Wait though!" said Jebby, "Don't you see he's big and dumb and agile and I'm small and smart? Obviously I'm the underdog."
"Oh, you're right." said the dumb room.

Then Big Man Mooser started to leave. And the room saw his body language and felt bad because he seemed like a big underdog. Then Handsome Harry Bunstein stomped up.

"Wait a second! Both these losers are competing over whose the biggest loser?! Why not award me something I'm tall and handsome and I know I'm a winner." said Harry.
"Hooray!!" said the room, then everyone got pregnant.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Big Brassy Broad Barb

Big Brassy Broad Barb strolled into the bar for a nightcap.

"Play the one I like, Petey!" she shouted to the piano player Petey. He clanked away at the keys. She waddled across the room.

"You know what I like, Mitchy!" she hollered to the bartender Mitchy, as he slid her a double gin and fizz with salt on the rim, which was her preferred drink. She liked it because it was salty. Just like her.

Brassy Barb strode across the room and fixed her eyes on a young feller sitting at a corner booth by himself. He was a young innocent looking fellow with clean looking skin, probably about twenty-five years old. Big Brassy Broad Barb stomped on up to his table. Her worn out black sequined dress dazzled and reflected the light, but her big hips and big hair obscured it.

"Mind if I have a seat!?" she shouted.
"Um, no." he said, looking up from his drink.
"Good, b'cause I was gonna take it anyway." said Barb.

Then she sat on top of him and he smooshed like a wad of play-doh.
"Mmmoohy cwamp breeeeee!" he shouted, muffled, pleading for a gasp of air.

Barb shifted a little to give him air.
"Get used to it feller, obviously your mama didn't give ya what ya need, so ol' Big Bitch Barb's gotta finish the job!"

Then she belted a tune from her seat that went along with what Petey was playing. It was a real brassy broad tune that had a bunch of words in it like sunshine, and honey, and ooh, and phrases like I can't find my baby. Then Barb leaned down to her side and say, "I know where you are, baby, it's just a song."
"Helpppleease-metmego!!!" the guy exclaimed through muffled pleads.

Then two bruisers walked into the joint. They had a threatening swagger.
"We're lookin' for a young baby faced fella. We ain't too happy with em right now. Anybody seen em?" said the bruisers.
"Sorry, bub." said Mitchy.

Then they swaggered over to Barb.
"How bout you, you brassy bosomed ol' bag?"
"How bout me, Tinkerbell?!" shouted Barb.
"You seen a pretty faced little troublemaker round these parts?"
"Baby, I haven't seen 'em, but if you wanna send a search party on up to my womb and have a look, we'll see if I'm barren after all!"
"Ah let's beat it, there ain't nothin' here." said one bruiser to the other.
"If you two Cynthias wanna make a little side dough some time, come see me, I'll put ya on the street!"

The bruisers scoffed and blew the joint. Brassy Barb leaned to her left. The young fella popped his head out.

"Gasp! You saved my life Barb, you kept me safe!" he said.
"They said I swilled away my maternal instincts but the trumpet's still a blowin!" said Barb
"I feel so safe here now. I don't want you to get up." said the young man.

And Brassy Broad Barb stayed there for days and nights and months and years smothering this young man and singing brassy broad tunes to protect him. He had also had a poor relationship with his mother and that is what caused him to get into trouble with the bruisers. So Big Barb was just want he needed. And Big Barb needed someone to feel the vibrations of her singing.

What a happy ending!

Morality Man

Morality Man was the man who came and saved the day and did the right thing! Everyone loved Morality Man. He dressed in a funny costume and showed up at the right time to help people who were in trouble.

"It's the right thing to do!" he'd say.
"Hooray for Morality Man!" said everyone else.

Morality Man didn't tell people what to do, but helped people in need because of his moral conscience. You understand, right? He wasn't a preacher, or a leader. Just a guy admired for his moral ethics. This gained him quite a following.

One day Morality Man got a phone call from a representative of Edgard Mussbinder, a multi-billions heir conglomeration chief operator of CorCo, which was a great corporation, founded by Mussbinder's great-grandfather. A pretty powerful man, if you know what I mean.

"Hello I'm looking for Morality Man."
"This is he." said Morality Man.

The man on the phone was very engaging and complimentary.

"Morality Man, we've noticed that you've garnered a really enthusiastic fan base, which we couldn't be more happy about, because we've loved you for a long time."
"That is so nice of you to say." said Morality Man.
"How'd you like to reach an even bigger audience to spread your moral message?"
"I don't really have a message. I just like to help people." said Morality Man.
"Then maybe you could help people by getting our good message out. It's a great message."
"Oh really?"
"You bet!"
"Well I'm pretty busy helping people."
"We'd pay you handsomely." said the man, "Then you'd have the financial freedom to help whoever you please, whenever you please, or whatever you like."
"Hmm..." said Morality Man.
"Maybe help yourself a little? Eh?"

Morality Man was a man of strong morals, and this sounded like a great deal, so he said yes. CorCo used Morality Man's likeness to send lots and lots of messages to people. He became the smiling trustable face of whatever CorCo had to say.

He went on TV and told people what soaps and soups to buy. The soup he told them to buy was not as good as the soup he preferred to eat. The soup that he ate was high priced, but Morality Man was so rich from endorsing the shitty soup he was able to afford the better soup all the time. Life was nice.

Morality Man's picture was everywhere, all over town, billboards, subways, buses, t-shirts, media screens, and he spent all his time making messages for CorCo. They showered him with compensation so that he'd be able to still help a few unfortunate people at some point.

After a few years Morality Man got word from his lawyer that his contract with CorCo was going to expire. He was nervous because he wanted to keep making these great messages to help people, but CorCo hadn't contacted him about it. He rang them up and shared his concern. They invited him to a secret private meeting with Edgard Mussbinder himself, to discuss his future with CorCo.

They met in a candlelit room, deep underground, in the tallest building of the city. Many of the very high ranking old men from CorCo stood before Morality Man. Then from the shadows Edgard Mussbinder and his assistant appeared.

"We understand that you would like to continue spreading the message for us. And we are prepared to offer you a position that will see you never having to walk amongst the filth again." said the assistant.
"Oh please, yes this sounds wonderful."
"Great. In addition, Mr. Mussbinder would like to urinate on you."
"Sure, if that's what it takes to maintain our great relationship." said Morality Man.

So Edgard Mussbinder removed his tired member and proceeded to urinate all over Morality Man's face and costume. And Morality Man was handed the keys to the kingdom and far more fans than ever imagined.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

All the Krap

Grampa Ted Scruggins was a busy man he had bigger things to worry about than all the krap.

"Grampa Ted I'm a wimp." said Bill the Pipsqueak 
"Outta my way, wimp. I got bigger things to worry about." said Ted.

Ted kept movin'.

"Grampa Ted I got a tummy ache." said a grown man named Brandon.
"That's your deal, I got bigger things to worry about." said Ted.

Someone's tummy ache wasn't more important than what Ted had to do.

"Grampa Ted I don't feel like taking out the garbage." said Jerry "Curtains" Haberdasher.
"I got bigger things to worry about than your garbage!" said Ted.

There was a reason they called Jerry "Curtains", but Ted didn't have time to hear about it.

"Grampa Ted I mourn the loss of the VHS format for entertainment purposes." said Pim Dunsley.
"I don't care, I got bigger things to worry about." said Ted.

Grampa Ted called 'em all "tapes" anyway.

"Grampa Ted I'm pregnant, I think it might belong to my boyfriend." said Kate Kakadarian.
"That's not for me to worry about, I got bigger things." said Ted.

What was Grampa Ted, a midwife? I don't think so!

"Grampa Ted here's some things for you to worry about, but they are all little." said Doctor Mustard.
"I got bigger things to worry about."
"I agree." said Doctor Mustard.

Grampa Ted went to a specialist. He told the specialist about the things he was worried about.
"Don't worry!" said the specialist.
"Okay thanks." said Ted. 

Then he went back and talked to all those people.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Magical Necklace

Hugh wanted to get Trina something nice. He walked into Mark's Jewelry, a jewelry store that had a nice variety. Mark was an older ethnic guy, he owned the place.

"Hi what's nice and pretty for my girlfriend?" asked Hugh.
"How about this?" said Mark, pointing to a pretty necklace with a charm on it.
"Ooh that's a little pricey for me." said Hugh, as he surveyed the price tag.
"I understand, I understand, no problem."
"Thank you."
"Hmm... what else? How about this one?" Mark said, pointing to another.
"I don't know that my Trina would like that one." said Hugh.
"Very understandable."
"I really want to find something nice for her though." said Hugh.
"Ah! I got it!"

 Mark went in the back and came back with a crusty dusty wooden box.

"I've never put this on the floor. It's origins are mystical." said Mark. He opened the box and it was a pretty necklace that he knew Trina would think was pretty.

"Wow! It's beautiful!" said Hugh.
"Tell ya what. I'll cut you a great deal. I have been sitting on this thing for a long time and would like a nice person to try out this necklace. If you don't like it you can return it." said Mark.
"Wow thanks!" said Hugh.
"Hey did you ever expect you would get such a great deal on jewelry from a guy with my ethnicity? I don't know what's come over me." joked Mark.
"Ha okay here's the money. And thanks again." said Hugh.

Then Hugh gave Mark a little bit of money and started to leave.

"Wait there's one more thing!" said Mark.
"It's very important. This necklace, though very beautiful and reasonably priced, comes with great caution and responsibility."
"Yes. Make sure your beautiful girlfriend doesn't wear the necklace after 12:37am."
"Usually I would say midnight but there's actually a thirty-seven minute grace period."
"I see. Is that all?"
"Make sure your girlfriend is a woman of strong character or else she might not be able to handle the necklace."
"Oh Trina is the best, I'm a good judge." said Hugh.

Hugh took the necklace home and took Trina on a date. He surprised her with it.
"Wow it's pretty!" she said. Then she put it on.

They got home late. It was 12:35am. When the clock struck 12:37am she turned into a scary demon lady.

"You cheap son of a bitch I can't believe you made me pick up the check!!" she roared in a shredded guttural voice.

Then all the magnets on the fridge started flying off the fridge and sticking to her. So did the forks and knives and the iron filings from the drawer with the tools. Then her eyes lit up like evil. With all the knives and stuff, her shirt got ripped and one of her breasts was visible. It looked kind of sexy in a scary demonic way.

"Hey take that necklace off!" said Hugh and he ripped the necklace off. Trina went back to normal. The next day he returned the necklace.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Snack Sneak

Big Terry was a Truckman for a living. He pushed and drove and fixed a truck all day everyday. He was big and was trying to get a little less big. Big Terry lived with Big Aunt Sandra.

"You better not get any bigger, Big Terry!" said Aunt Sandra.
"I won't!"

One night Big Terry was hungry for a snack. He knew he wasn't supposed to get one though. But he was big and wanted one. He couldn't drive to a snack joint because he only had a big truck and it takes a long time to juice the truck up and put on truck gear. So he figured he ought to snack sneak from the fridge at home. He creaked open his door.

"Errrrrgh!" it said real loud.
"Damn!" whispered Terry.

It was so loud if he creaked it anymore Aunt Sandra was certain to hear him. Luckily, he was a Truckman and kept oil with him. Big Terry was clever. He imagined those door hinges were a part of the truck that needed oil, then he oiled the creaks away!

Next he had to go down the hallway, but he took a footstep on the floor and

"Clunk!" said his foot.
"Shoot!" whispered Big Terry.

But Terry had a great idea. He had these cute little slippers in his room that he only wore around winter time. They were real soft and squishy slippers and they absorbed all the clunks that were bound to happen between his foot and the ground!

Big Terry tiptoed his shushed clunky feet down the hallway into the kitchen, oiled the light switch so it wouldn't make too loud of a flick noise, turned on the light, and eyed the fridge where all the snacks were kept!

This was gonna be the hard part, opening the fridge. There was no way around the big fridge suction noise it was gonna make. He should have thought to give Aunt Sandra ear plugs before bed, but hopefully she wasn't too light a sleeper. If he could pull it open with a firm controlled grip, but quickly he might be able to reduce the jar clanks in the fridge.

"Oh shoot!" whispered Terry to himself, as he realized he should have just left the light off. The fridge light was going to illuminate the room. The kitchen light was bound to travel to wherever Big Aunt Sandra was sleeping. He'd better just open it, grab the snacks and make a run for it.

In one fell swoop he yanked it open as his mouth watered for a snack and the first thing he laid his eyes on, on the top shelf was a little container with a boiled egg and a chunk of cheese. Underneath that shelf and filling up the whole fridge was Big Aunt Sandra, staring back at him. Scowling.

"Go to bed Big Terry, no snack for you!" said Aunt Sandra.

Big Terry pouted all the way to the bedroom and tossed and turned with racing thoughts all night.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Sally the Salad Eating Ice Skater

Sally was skating in the Ice Capades in 1979. It was her dream and she'd finally made it. She was wowing the crowd with her Capades compadres. They were cutting that ice up. Then Jan showed up.

"Hey Sally, it's me Jan, I've been looking all over for you!" said Jan.
"Uh Jan, do you mind? I'm in the middle of skating in the Ice Capades." said Sally, out the side of her mouth.
"It won't take long I just need you to recommend a good dentist." said Jan.
"Hey that one lady's not ice dancing!" shouted someone from the crowd.
"Hey lady get off the ice!" said another crowd person.
"Be careful you don't slip!" shouted a concerned person in the crowd.
"What's that lady doing there? I'm confused." mumbled a man in the crowd to his wife.
"I think it's part of the show." responded the wife.
"I don't go to the dentist, my husband's a dentist, now beat it!" said Sally, as she held a smile.
"Gee you're in great shape," said Jan, "that sleek sequined icetard you're wearing really shows what a great body you've got."

Sally continued dancing with the rest of them. Dancing all around. Wherever she went, Jan would follow. It really distorted the symmetry of the choreography.

"Hey does anyone ever call you Salad? Like Sally? Like as a nickname? Cuz they kinda sound alike. And you have such a great body. As if all you eat is salad. Hey they could call you Iceberg Salad! Because you're on the ice!" said Jan, "Isn't that clever of me to come up with? It's cold here."
"Why doesn't someone get her off?" shouted an audience person.
"She's ruining the beautiful symmetry of the Ice Capades!" shouted someone.

Tommy Dorchester the ticket taker of the auditorium where the Ice Capades were being held ran out onto the ice to try to get Jan off. His slippy-running and shiny yellow and black jacket clashed even more with the beautiful symmetry.

"...Anyway so I got this little sticky pocket in my back molar I've been picking at with a fork, and I knew your husband was a dentist so I wanted to see if..." Boom! Tommy Dorchester tackled Jan.

The audience cheered. But it was the exact same time as Rico Mendes did a beautiful ice spin. So it was hard to tell what they were cheering at. Maybe it was both things.

Tommy dragged Jan off the ice. The following morning there was a meeting about how security needed to be tightened for events like these, because in 1979 there was little to no security for the Ice Capades.

And that's how security for the Ice Capades got heavier.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

The Mentally Stimulating Chat

Arnold was talking to Pinky, the local free spirit type, one night. She was a real thinker. She had so many thoughts she almost couldn't get to them. Arnold was a big burly nice man with a deep slow drawl. He did his best to keep up, but was not very articulate.

"I've got to get home soon." said Arnold.
"Oh, I've been thinking that sometimes homes are like possessions, but then they possess you, because you belong inside your home, and your belongings go in your home, and so do you, so like, are we like our belongings and stuff?"
"It's a good question, Pinky."
"...And does that also mean that like, if we belong in the homes, does that mean like, that it shouldn't be us walking around freely out here, it should just be a bunch of homes, and then we stay put where the homes were standing, waiting for the homes to return, while the homes go out and hustle and shuffle and bring home the bacon?"
"Gosh, Pinky, this is some real deep stuff."
"...I've been thinking about how people say that like, how it's like deep, but actually deep is what's underground, and here we are, here and now, and maybe it's actually lifting us to a higher plain, and it's not deep, but high up, did you think of that ever?"
"No, Pinky, gee. You should put this stuff in a book."
"...You know, I thought about books recently, and I thought about we read them, we read them, we read them, and we read them so much, but what if, actually books are reading us? Because you know, if you turn a book sideways, open it down the middle, open and close it, it's almost like it could be puppeteered to look like a talking mouth. So that's kind of life-like, man."
"Oh, that is clever."
"...Yeah and like if you take that into consideration, and that we as people just look at those words, and the meaning behind them all, it's like we think we are reading those words, but the time we're spending reading the words, those words are looking right back at us, and at our eyes, and reading what is behind our eyes, and the eyes are the window to the soul, and if you don't have the drapes open then how can anyone see your soul? Including those watching-words, and words are eventually brought to life with the aid of movie cameras."
"Well you've given me a lot to think about, Penny."
"It's Pinky."
"Oh right, of course. Sorry, Pinky." said Arnold.

Arnold walked home slowly. A creep popped out with a gun.
"Gimme ya money!" said the creep.

Arnold tried to do his best version of Pinky talk so he wouldn't panic.

"Okay you can have what money is in that wallet there. But you know money is just paper and, uh, uh. Paper it comes from trees. And trees, they're everywhere. So you should rob a tree." said Arnold.
"Huh?" said the creep.
"Ah forget it. Here's the wallet. Don't shoot me."

Then all the sudden the creep got real guilty and handed back the wallet.

"You know you seem like a nice guy. I been watching you and that gal Pinky talk for a while. She seems nice too. You both just seem like nice people from different places. And me? I'm nice on the inside but not on the outside. That's why I tried to rob you. When you're desperate you do desperate things." said the creep.
"Well it's lucky for me." said Arnold.
"Yeah I'm not one of those pathological criminals who has no respect for human life, I'm more the desperate type who means well." said the creep.
"Well maybe you should review all your options." said Arnold.
"Okay tomorrow I will do that." said the creep.
"Now I don't know whether to give you all the money as a gesture or let you review those options from a rock bottom perspective." said Arnold.
"I think the right thing to do would be to say it's your choice." said the creep.

Arnold gave him some money, but not all of it. He walked home thinking about how it was an anti-climactic night. He had some mental stimulation, and he had a bit of a scare, but neither amounted to much. Then he went to bed and had another day the next day.

Friday, January 2, 2015

The Catatonic School

Marty had the hots for Candy. Candy was hung up on Sancho. Sancho was in a self imposed catatonic state. 

Hoho, the teacher of the catatonia class that Sancho took, was a shyster, and he taught people to make themselves catatonic to achieve peace and ignore everything else. In the meantime, he swiped money from their wallets, in addition to the exorbitant fees he already charged.
"In Hoho we trust." his class would say, just before diving into complete disposition of their life.

"Candy wanna see how fast my car drives?" asked Marty.
"Okay sure." said Mandy, somberly.

Marty opened the door for Candy who moped into the car.
"Do ya like how red it it?" asked Marty he drove.
"Yes." said Candy.
"Hey want me to go faster?" asked Marty.
"Sure." said Candy, moping.

Marty zoomed fast down the street hoping to get a reaction out of Candy. She didn't respond.
"Hey what gives you're like in a catatonic state!" said Marty. This caused Candy to snap.
"Catatonic state!?" she screamed. "What do you know from catatonic state!!?"
"Hey, hey, easy!" said Marty, but Candy did not relent.
"Do you know what catatonic states have done to me?! They've ruined my life!" said Candy.

Marty wanted to understand Candy and why she was so upset. 
"Slow down," he said, "explain to me about this catatonic state."

Candy explained that Sancho was in a catatonic state and being swindled by Hoho. Marty wanted to help Candy, he felt that if he could solve her problems she'd think of him as a great man and like him more.

"I know! Why don't we just go down to that Hoho jokester's place and bust Sancho outta there?" said Marty. Candy thought it was worth a try. They zoomed across town and through the desert where Hoho's compound was. They stormed it and found a room full of students in catatonic states. Many of them were drooling.

"Which one's Sancho?!" said Marty.
They all had their heads shaved and looked the same.
"Sancho! Sancho! Wake up! Candy's here!" they shouted.

They found Sancho shook him up and woke up him.
"It's me, Sancho! Hoho's been tricking you and robbing you of your life."
"Oh no thank you for saving me." he said, "And you you too, sir." he said to Marty.

Then they decided to wake everyone else up and free them. Some of them didn't want to wake up. Others did.
"Hey stop, what are you doing? This is how I make a living!" said Hoho.
"You're done for Hoho!" said Marty. Then Marty pushed Hoho into a tall stack of pamphlets.

Sancho, Candy, Marty, and a bunch of bald students ran out. Marty was certainly the hero. 
"Thanks for getting me and Sancho back together!" said Candy smiling. Then she kissed Sancho.

Marty felt like a dumbass.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Tony's Troubles

Tony the Slick Sneak woke up from a bad sweaty dream. He was really stressed but the sunlight coming through the windows was a relief. Man that dream was bad. Every little thing was itching at him in it. There was the fear of getting caught for that one thing, and the worry about the guy who was bugging him, and then there was the dread about whether that bad thing was gonna happen. Oh it was the worst. Let's just say Tony was stressed.

"Sheesh." he said after he opened his eyes.

He looked around and his bed looked different. He had stripes on his sheets. He thought they'd been dotted.
"Hmm I don't remember having striped sheets. Maybe I stole em." he thought to himself. He was so sneaky.

He looked down at his legs and they were all skinny with not that much hair.
"Hmm I thought my legs were bigger, hairier, and more muscular." he said.

Tony walked down his hallway into the bathroom but instead it was a kitchen.
"Hey I thought this is where the bathroom was." he said.

He searched around for a bathroom. He found one. He switched on the light. It was a sexy red light.
"Hey I thought I had regular lights in my bathroom. And I thought my bathroom was over by where the kitchen appears to be."

Something sneaky was going on at Tony's. Was this not Tony's? He was pretty sure it was. He walked over to the mirror to look in the mirror to see that slick, sneaky and pretty face of his! But it wasn't his face! He had green eyes instead of baby blues. He had pock marks instead of smooth skin. He was balding instead of shiny black locks.

"Hey who is that guy!??!" Tony yelled.

Was he not him anymore? What happened? Then his phone rang. He picked it up.
"Hey Jerry, it's me Gene, I wanted to call and talk about baseball. So can you believe that pitch the other day, it was such a-"
"Gene, this ain't Jerry this is Tony,  I gotta go." Tony hung up.

Tony ran outside and shouted to his street.

"Hey Everyone! I'm supposed to be Tony but turns out I'm Jerry! Help! What do I do?!"
"Jerry, you're acting like a real wackjob." said Jerry's neighbors.
"I don't know you. I'm Tony!" said Tony to who were apparently Jerry's neighbors.
"Somebody help, I duno what's going on!" shouted Tony.

Doris the local clairvoyant from across the street whistled over to get Tony's attention.
"I know what's happenin'." she whispered.
"Huh?" shouted Tony.
"You were Tony and you got yourself into a heap of trouble. Now you're Jerry and you have a whole different set of problems. But you don't have worry about Tony's problems anymore. So let that be a relief to you. Yep this is a normal thing. I seen it hundred of times." whispered Doris.
"What?!?! I couldn't hear you from across the street!" shouted Jerry, panicked.

Jerry ran around to everyone in the neighborhood trying to figure out what was going on. No one else knew. Doris sat on her couch and ate macaroni.