Saturday, February 28, 2015

The Butt Cut

Jasper Hickums looked at his mop head in the mirror.
"Uh oh this ain't no good." said Jasper.

He walked over to his mom and pointed at his head.

"Mom what do I do bout this here?" he shouted to her.
"Go get your head cut." said mom.

Jasper went to the cutter. He really wanted to go for a handsome look. Instead of the crud look which was a mainstay on his face and head.

Fuffy the barber chopped his hair up real nice. Jasper got a haircut, and the haircutter parted his hair down the middle. In fact, Jasper could not even change the hair by combing and brushing it, no matter how hard he tried. Fuffy had permanently given him a new look (until it grew out).

Jasper went to a little get together at his friend Ian's house. Jimmy the Juiceman was there. Not much got passed Jimmy.

"Hi Jimmy the Juiceman." said Jasper.
"Who looked like you got a butt cut!!!!" said Jimmy the Juiceman

Jimmy the Juiceman was referring to the part down the middle of Jasper's hair. It was parted down the middle. So my parents stopped me from making jokes about that. I don't know why I said that last sentence. I must have started to fall asleep.

"Dang dood you got a butt cut!!!" said Arnold the party animal.

Jasper tried to mess his hair up and un butt cut it. Then he got the idea to own it, baby.  So he tried that.
"I think it's fresh!" said Jasper, confidently.

Jimmy the Juiceman got flustered. Because he didn't own anything.
Jasper walked away like he thought he was Mr. Cool.

He was Mr. Cool, but he still had a butt cut.

Friday, February 27, 2015

The Trippiest Experience

Harry got his hand caught in the drawer because he was reaching for a candy bar in there. It was Rimaldi's candy bar. Rimaldi didn't want Harry to have it that's why he stopped him by slamming the drawer shut.

"I was saving that for me, can't have it." said Rimaldi.
"Ouch my hand though!" said Harry.

Then his hand got purple and blue from the painful slam and bruise. Then he thought it was colorful and pretty so he went around showing it girls to impress them. Most didn't think it was pretty.

"I'm confused lady, I thought girls were supposed to like pretty stuff." said Harry.
"No it's ugly and ew." said the stuck up girls he asked.

Harry hung around a group people that were not good representations of their genders and creeds. These girls were all judgmental and did not think the bruisy hand was pretty, even though it was colorful and girls like colorful things.

But then Harry ran into Blissful Beaver, who was a stonery guy who liked trippy stuff. Harry showed Blissful Beaver his hand.

"Wow sheeesh so colorful!" said Blissful Beaver.

Stoners love colorful things too. Like girls.

"How did you get it so trippy man?" asked Blissful Beaver.
"Slammed it in a door."
"A door?"
"I mean a drawer! My mistake." said Harry.
"Mind if I drop some mind altering stuff in my mouth and stare at your hand?" asked Blissful Beaver.
"No." said Harry.

Then Blissful Beaver took some drugs and looked at Harry's bruised hand for a few hours. Blissful Beaver would say "Whoa" every now and then. Then...

"Oh no, I'm so rude I completely forgot to offer you some mind alterers!" said Blissful Beaver.
"Don't worry, my sensation enhancer of choice is candy bars. That's why I have a fat belly." said Harry.
"You're in luck." said Blissful Beaver, as he reached into a bag and pulled out a candy bar, "I've got a candy bar right here and it's yours now and by the way you hide the stomach well with dark clothes the look slimming."
"Thanks and yum!" said Harry.

Then Rimaldi walked up.

"Hey is that mine?" said Rimaldi.
"No it's mine, Blissful Beaver gave it to me." said Harry.

Then Harry ate the candy bar and was happy, though he had to use his not bruised hand because the bruised one hurt to grip with. What a wild and different experience that was.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

The Local Pregnant Fellow

Waakaka was one of those weird and ultra rare fellows who was born with a human inside of him because he was supposed to be a twin but his didn't separate correctly inside his mother's womb so his twin brother got stuck in his abdomen and he looked like he was pregnant. You know those guys? It happens, look it up.

Anyway Waakaka had his twin brother in his gut for 40 years. His stomach was huge and stuck out very far.

"Ouch my stomach hurt every day!" he said.

Then one day he complained very hard and heavy. The doctor finally came over and examined him.

"Looks like you have a growing dead guy inside of you. We have to do surgery to get rid of it." said the doctor.

So the doctor and his crew did emergency surgery to remove this pus filled dead twin human freak that was gestating inside of Waakaka.

"Waakaka aren't you relieved to get rid of that gut of gross gunk?" asked Purpy the friend.
"The doctor told me it was my twin brother. Now I miss my twin brother."
"But you never knew him and he didn't have a functional brain."
"I'll bet we woulda got along." said Waakaka.

One day Waakaka was walking down the street and a nice person was getting mugged.

"Better leave that nice person alone!" said Waakaka to the mugger.
"Beat it you nerdy guy!" said the mugger.

Then Waakaka did a roundhouse kick and knocked the mugger out.
"You are my hero thank you." said the victim.

The news caught wind of what happened and did a story on Waakaka.

"Wow Waakaka you sure are a hero. And also we hear you had a dead twin body stuck pregnant inside of you for over 40 years. What are the odds that you'd have that happen AND save a person from a mugging." said the news.
"I know it's sure something."
"Quite a life you've had so far."
"Yes. Thank you."
"Those odds are just remarkable."

Then a movie prodcuer watching TV got an idea. He called Waakaka.

"Hey Waakaka wanna sell your life story for a lot of money?"
"Neat!" said Waakaka.

Then Waaakaka made a bunch of money and the life story was a hit movie.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Edgy Dan on the Go

Edgy Dan saw the world through a pair of eyes that didn't put up with no bullshit, man.

"Hey Edgy Dan, want to go get something fun to eat?" said Rubirt.
"Sure. As long as it ain't some sort of sushi! Or vegan food!"
"Ha ha, don't worry Edgy Dan, I know if I want your company it's got to be hot dogs and sodas."
"Yeah! Just keep that quinoa stuff away from me! Not interested in eating mushy sand, sorry." said Edgy Dan.
"You got it Edgy Dan!"

On the walk to the eat place Rubirt and Edgy Dan saw a tree.

"Ah isn't that tree lovely? I love nature." said Rubirt.
"You know what that tree reminds me of? Poo! Cuz we're all goin' down the toilet anyway. Sorry if you can't handle my opinions." said Edgy Dan.
"I never thought about it that way."
"Maybe I'm crazy, I just see the world differently. You can get on board or walk the plank for all I care!" said Edgy Dan.

Further down the walk Rubert and Edgy Dan saw a pretty lady with nice jeans walk by.

"Hey that one sure was a pretty one, eh?" said Rubirt.
"Look but don't touch if ya ask me." said Edgy Dan.
"Oh? Why do you say that?" asked Rubirt.
"Marriage and relationships are great, if you like havin' an ucler!"

Another pretty lady walked by. This one looked extra pretty in her blouse.

"You got to admit that she was pretty good looking!"
"Alright alright, fine. I wouldn't kick her out of the hospital bed... Cuz my legs would be broken and I couldn't kick! And I'd need her to be the nurse who takes care a me!" said Edgy Dan.
"Wow Edgy Dan, you know a man can be a nurse too. Not all women have to be nurses. Women can be doctors too." said Rubirt.
"Hey listen, if you think you're gonna get some sort of P.C. crappola outta me then you are mistaken as a blind man in the ladies room!"

Just then a pretty lady walked up and say hi to Edgy Dan.

"I like your leather coat that has elastic cuffs and waistband." she said.
"Oh. Thanks." said Edgy Dan. He was taken aback because she was pretty.

Edgy Dan went on to marry this pretty lady and she controlled him thoroughly. He always combed his hair, wore a clean sweater, and never spouted an edgy opinion again.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

The Compliments

Deb and Juanita ran into each other and gave compliments.

"I love your hair!" said Deb.
"I love your shirt!" said Juanita.
"Did you just get your hair done?" asked Deb.
"No it's been like this a long time." said Juanita.
"You have that natural look, I love it." said Deb, about Juanita's hair.
"Is that a new shirt?" asked Juanita.
"Yes I just got it." said Deb.
"I knew it! That why it's great. Such a fresh new look." said Juanita, about Deb's shirt.
"It's an exact replacement of an old shirt." said Deb.
"I mean it's just a classic." said Juanita.
"Isn't it funny how classic seems like a nicer word for old and ratty?" asked Deb.
"Isn't it funny how natural sometimes has that connotation of filthy? said Juanita.
"Natural can mean like effortless too." said Deb.
"Oh, effortless can mean you look great without trying. So thank you." said Juanita.
"True. And you're welcome, but effortless can also mean you look like you don't try and have just given up." smiled Deb.
"I guess that's better than try and still look awful." smiled Juanita.

Deb smiled. Juanita smiled back. They smiled at each other. It was a smile off.

"You look awful." said Juanita.
"You're a filthy woman, do you wash?" said Deb.
"Your shirt should be a diaper wiper!" said Juanita.
"I hate you!" said Deb.
"I hate you more for your fashion sense, and everything about you!" said Juanita.
"I think your hair is greasy and disgusting, I've held it in for years." said Deb.
"I knew you didn't like my hair when you said you did!" said Juanita.
"You were lying about my shirt!" said Deb.

Then they came to blows and got in a hair pulling and shirt ripping fight.

They were both big phonies who were unhappy with themselves. Once they cooled off from their fight they went back to acting like everything was normal and made polite small talk every time they saw each other.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Best Older Guys at the Firm

Dougie and Travis were the coolest older fellas at the office. They'd both been there for years. Both had positive attributes. Dougie was just a cool guy. Everybody liked how he acted in meetings over the years. He'd always have clever cool things to say. He'd also make direct eye contact with you and let you know that thought you were a good guy.

"Hey pal, you and me, we get each other!" he'd say.

Then you'd feel good.

"Thank you." you'd say.

The only thing about Dougie was he had this real strange looking facelift. Everyone wanted him to move up in the company and take off to great heights. But that facelift. Some just couldn't look at it. It was unfortunate, because he such a down to earth fella. But why would he get that facelift? That noticeable, tight, strange facelift that light reflected off of in a strange way. Yet he had such a personable and confident demeanor. He didn't seem like the type.

Then there Travis. Beloved Travis. Travis had been at the company even longer. He was hard to not love. Travis was a great dancer. He had distinct features, like beautiful eyes, a button chin and a flashy good-time smile. And did I mention those dance moves? How could anyone forget?

But the deal with Travis no one could wrap their brain around, he wore this strange, awful hairpiece. It stood on his head in the most unnatural way. It didn't even seem to match his original hairline. His real hair from years earlier didn't look like this fake hair. Why not just show the bald? Or find a hairpiece that looks like it's part of your head?

Oh another thing about Travis. Because the guy was a great trained dancer, as a hobby, he knew where to place his hand on a woman to make it look like he loved the women in a dancey and sensual way. But he was as gay as the sun was bright. He had a fake wife.

Why wouldn't he just let everyone know he was gay? No one would mind or be surprised. They just liked him how he was.

Oh another thing about Travis, he was a part of this strange cult that he would tell people about.

"I'm proud to be in my cult!" he'd say.
"Oh." others would say.
"It helps a lot of people."

But despite all these strange things, no one seemed to have a problem with these people. They were very loved.

One day Travis cornered Dougie in a bathroom stall. He laid a big kiss on Dougie.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." said Dougie.
"What's the problem?" asked Travis.
"Travis, babe. Buddy. I'm not... into you that way. But I love ya, buddy. You're a great guy." said Dougie.
"Okay, sorry, I must've misread something."
"Hey pal, no problem. I gotta say I'm flattered as all hell." said Dougie.
"Thanks. You're looking so young and fresh lately." said Travis.

Dougie's flesh looked especially tugged and tight.

"I gotta say your hair looks gorgeous. I love what you've done with it, babe." said Dougie.

And no one else was there to hear the exchange and determine if they were both being phony or sincerely honest and delusional about their compliments. It remained a mystery till the end of time.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Balp's Disability

Balp had a harmless mental disorder that didn't make him dumb or dysfunctional but it made him annoying. He didn't realize it.

"You're annoying!" said everyone.
"Aw man." said Balp.

Balp walked up to Ginger and Patt.

"Hey I like pickin' my nose!!!" he said.
"Ew!" said Ginger.
"Gross!" said Patt.

Balp walked up to a health expert and lifted up his shirt and wiggled his excess belly fat.

"Hey wanna turn this into muscles!?!? Ha ha ha!" said Balp.
"Please sir. Serious inquiries only!" said the health expert.

Balp walked up to his mom.

"Mom I gotta go to bathroom wanna wipe me?! Ha ha ha!" said Balp.
"Ew Balp you're a grown up! I can't even tell if you're joking or not." said mom.
"Ha ha yeah jokes are good." said Balp.

Balp got a job at a sandwich shop.

"Gimme the pastrami." said Fran.
"For no extra cost I'll spit in it!" said Balp.
"Ew. Nevermind I'm outta here." said Fran.

Balp's boss was pissed.

"Balp! Nobody likes you. You're strange and make people uncomfortable and say things that are real head scratchers." said boss.
"When I scratch my head I have dandruff flying everywhere. Should I offer that to customers as a salt substitute? Ha ha ha."
"No, Balp."

Balp went to the doctor because he was kind of uneasy feeling after the boss said no one liked him. He didn't understand. The doc did some tests and asked some questions and came up with the diagnosis.

"The reason you act strange is because you have a mental disorder. It's not a disability. You're not crazy. It doesn't make you evil or a murderer or a bad guy. There are several mental disorders where people act strange." said the smart educated doc.
"Okay thanks, glad to know, ps want some free dirty underwear? Ha ha."
"No thank you." said the doc, with complete objectivity.

Then Balp went around acting the same way and didn't ever feel bad because he knew he had a mental disorder and that would be his excuse forever, rather than changing his behavior.

Cocky in the Post-Apocalypse

Buzzer and Lamar lived in the desert. Along with the desert bad boys.

"Buzzer, we loved that bag of dirt you made for us to eat last week!" said the desert bad boys.
"I loved it too." said Lamar.
"Thanks." said Buzzer, bashfully.
"No we are serious. We couldn't stop talking about it." said the desert bad boys.

Then Buzzer let those accolades go to his head. He walked to from sand hut to sand hut to dunghouse to dunghouse bragging.

"The desert bad boys say I made the best bag of dirt to eat they'd ever had!" Buzzer bragged.
"I got the best bag of dirt to eat making skills in the whole damned desert!" boasted Buzzer.

This went on for days. Though the sun never went down so it was hard to measure the days. But it was days. One could say it was one very very long day. But anyway Buzzer's ego was bloating.

Lamar was starting to get tired of Buzzer's ego.
"Buzzer you are not as much fun to be around." said Lamar.
"You think you can make a bag of dirt to eat like I did?" said Buzzer.
"Buzzer, don't you see you're more than a bag of dirt to eat?" said Lamar.
"Any one of those losers in those sand huts on Sand Hut Row would die to be the bag of dirt to eat that I am!!" said Buzzer.
"You're going bag of dirt to eat mad!" said Lamar.

Then Lamar went and prepared a bag of dirt to eat. He shared it with the desert bad boys.

"Hey Lamar, we love this bag of dirt to eat!" said the desert bad boys.
"Thanks." said Lamar.

And Lamar kept a cool head because he saw through experience how Buzzer reacted to the high praise for his bag of dirt prep.

"You guys think his bag of dirt to eat is so great?? I'm the bagmaster! Watch me!" said Buzzer.
"Okay." said the desert bad boys.

Then Buzzer went to work on what he believed would be another grand slam bag of dirt to eat. He presented it. It was consumed by the bad boys.

"This is shit!" said the desert bad boys.
"Worst fucking bag of dirt in the desert!"

Word got out quick to the sandhut community. Buzzer was mortified. He was shamed. Then he was crucified and eaten by vultures. But if he hadn't been crucified and eaten by vultures he would have spent the rest of his life in a long shameful state of disgrace for which he would have never allow himself redemption from. He got the easy route.

Friday, February 20, 2015

People and Problems

Frankie had a combover. Judith had a saggy boob. Alberti had a club foot. Jethro had a broken necklace. Pauline ate an expensive lobster for lunch. Kooky Pookie ate rocks.

Gibby had to wear a bib his whole life. Yolonda had a birthmark. Ed had a problem digesting cheese. Horace had a big Adam's apple. Cunk had an enlarged hair growing out of his thigh. Dobble D. Doo was a spitter.

Moffit drooled. Corky knew too much trivia that no one wanted to hear. Bernice was a snob. Hoover Dutson had a nose blowing fetish. Bill the Mayor killed a man and had it covered up. Danny Kellogg was a successful comedian who came from a rich family and stole all his jokes from this poor loser named Hector Smoot.

Mr. Peppersmith kept poison in his basement. Lisa had a big hearing aid. Gavin used his friend's girlfriend's suicide as an excuse to get out of noble humanitarian work he'd signed up for so people would think he was a good person, so he could party. Bippy ran his car into a telephone pole and caused a blackout. Happy Cathy was miserable.

Benjamin Barfbag had a condition that made his weiner blue. Bert had a cough. Jan stubbed her toe. Alma had fangs. Corrina limped. Jeff was a redhead. Sparky had a funny lookin' butt. The Elephant Man had food in his teeth. Terry wore a t-shirt to a wedding. Max had a surgery scar. Janet had a divorce. Trent the weed guy smoked too much weed.

Deborah wore too much denim. Linda married Grant even though she loved Miles. Josh wrote dense rambling stories that no one read. Felicia was dumb. Lamaria used too much cayenne pepper and burned her vocal cords. John Donkey had earlobes for nipples.

Mustard boy ran out of bread. Jim the Mechanic broke a transmission. Hank wore an eyepatch. Beth used her sexy body to get peoples' approval. Forkman couldn't figure out how to play the spoons. Daniel and Darnell didn't like being twins. Judy was sad.

Everybody had some sort of problem. Some of them tried harder to deal with them. None of them ever got rid of all of them.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Glenn Ages

Glenn thought he was quite a stud. He looked at ladies, popped his eyebrows a couple of times and said "Yeah, I know!"

But time went by and Glenn got older. Time took it's natural toll on Glenn. Glenn got to that age where he started to lose some hair.
"Sheesh, maybe I'm not as sexy to ladies." he said to himself in the mirror.

More time passed. Glenn got to the age where he lost more hair. And his teeth fell out.
"Aww too bad." he said.

Glenn aged a little more and he got to the natural age where his fingernails fell off.
"Guess it's that age." he said.

Glenn kept on truckin' through the years, and of course came the time that comes in all men's lives where your toes fall off.
"Gosh, I ain't the stud I used to be." Glenn said with a frown.

Then more years passed and the natural course of the human timeline came when Glenn's penis fell off.
"I guess I really am just getting older." said Glenn, as he looked in the mirror.

One morning Glenn woke up and looked in the mirror and his nipples were gone.
"Oh, they must've fallen off in my sleep or in the shower one day. Well, I really am aging."

Glenn had a great birthday celebration one year, with many good friends. The next morning he woke up to give himself a confident affirmation about still being a stud, but that time in a man's life came where the arms fall off. And Glenn's arms fell off.
"Some people get cosmetic work done, and some people age naturally. I'm in the latter." he said to himself.

Glenn had a go with the flow attitude on the outside, but he secretly longed for his super-stud days. One day old Glenn strolled down the street, feeling, ya know, old.

That's when Danielle Dubious popped out from nowhere. She was a big black lady who knew about fashion and what looked good. Her main ingredient: confidence!
"Stop right there!" she said, "what's wrong, baby!?!?" she said baby because it was very in her character.
"Oh me? I guess I just wish I was still more of a stud." said Glenn with his toeless feet, bald head, toothless mouth, penisless crotch, and armless torso.
"Baby, you sexy!" said Danielle.
"Who me?"
"Yeah! You don't even know you got the goods! Some men age like fine wine, and you are a Cabernet, baby!"
"Cabernet is the best wine!" said Glenn.
"It sure is! Now go strut your stuff!" said Danielle Dubious.

Glenn then hit the sidewalk strut with a dazzle in his eye, and a sparkle in his step. He was back. Back, baby.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

The Unethical Country Singer

Big Willie Hogshaw busted out of the slammer. Well he was let out, because he served his time. But he liked to think he was bustin' out. Because he went out all bustin' and in a bust of glory.

He wasn't set on no straight line though. Big Willie Hogshaw had a score to settle.

"Which way to Nashville?" said Big Willie to the guard. The guard pointed. Wille set sail.

See, Willie had written a song years earlier about a lonesome night. It was a real personal song. One night he sang it to Earl Buckwinkle. Well after that, circumstances found Willie servin' time, cept his song about a lonesome night wasn't locked up with him. It was out there makin' a big livin' for one Earl Buckwinkle, country music star. And song thief.

Big Willie rambled his way over to Nashville. He went from recording studio to recording studio seekin' to collect a debt.

"I'm lookin' for Earl Buckwinkle." he'd say.
"We should be so lucky as to have a fantastic songwriter as Earl Buckwinkle in our studio." the studio people would say.

Then it'd get real tense like Big Willie was gonna trash the place, cuz you know, Earl didn't really write songs, he just stole Willie's. But Willie would just leave without trashing the place.

Finally he opened up the newspaper to the entertainment section. There his prayers were answered. Earl Buckwinkle was having a concert. Big Willie Hogshaw scraped some coins together and got hisself a ticket.

Earl Buckwinkle saddled the stage. He strapped on his little axe and strummed a few dull nothing tunes, a couple covers, then concluded the night with his big hit about a lonesome night. The crowd teared, cheered, hootened and hollarin'ed. The show ended. The crowd was satisfied and everyone went on with their evening. Earl took a gaggle of ladies to the back of the venue to pour some champagne and dip the ladies in his saloon themed hot tub.

"Ain't we livin' the life!?" laughed Earl.

Then Big Willie busted in. The ladies screamed and ran out of the hot tub covering their bare privates.

"Willie Hogshaw!" said Earl, "I thought you was locked up!"
Big Willie picked up Earl from the hot tub, by the neck.
"I'll bet you ain't never had a lonesome night." said Big Willie.
"Have you?"
"...No." said Earl.
"That's all I wanted to know." said Big Willie.

Then he dropped him back in the tub, went about his way to write many other songs about lonesome nights. But he didn't ever play 'em for anyone.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Evil Dave

Evil Dave was at a wedding and he was looking around snaking the place for a victim to sleaze it up with.

"Hmmmm." he said as he ate a deviled egg.

He saw Dumpy Patty. She was taken. Damn. He saw Stupid Lucy. She bumped into a wall.

"Ouch." she said.
"Too dumb." mumbled Evil Dave, then he ate another deviled egg.

Then he saw Smelly Gertrude.

"I could handle some of that stinkiness." Evil Dave said to himself, then he ate another deviled egg and walked up to Smelly Gertrude.

"Hey Smelly Gertrude."
"Hi Evil Dave, you look nice." she said.

Then Evil Dave caught a whiff of how stinky Smelly Gertrude was.

"Oh." he said, after inhaling her smells, then he made an quick and clever excuse, "I just remembered I have to eat another deviled egg and also my mouth is dry, I need water. See ya, you look nice." said Evil Dave.

Then he got the hell away from her. Too bad. He was really gonna sink his evil fangs into her and do some bad manipulating. He went back to the drawing board. Or in this case the deviled egg table. That's when he spotted her. Innocent Carol. She was perfect. No date. Unsuspecting. Like a lone bunny. Hopping along. She was prime pickin'.

He popped one more deviled egg for good measure, and sashayed on over toward her. She was in trouble now. Evil Dave would have his way. And the scraps left behind would tell a sordid tale.

He eyed her. He hit his mark. He posed in place. He spoke.

"Hello Innocent Carol."

Then he vomited all over his white suit. It was a chunky yolk color with black dots. Then he diarrhea'd his pants real bad. Too many deviled eggs.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Another Porch Day

Old Gramps Leatherneck sat on the porch and cackled up a storm. The wind blew hard.

"Aaaaahh haaa that's a good gust a wind!" said cacklin' Old Gramps.
"Hey Gramps, watch me dance like a chicken!" said Little Joey Swanson.
"Aaaaaahh dat's a good dance!" said Gramps.

Then the kid ran off. The newspaper man came by.

"You got da baper for me?" said Gramps Leatherneck.
"I thought you canceled the paper." said the Paper Man.
"I did but I wanted a trick ya aaaaaah ha haa!"
"Haaa that was a good trick." said the Paper Man.

The mailman came by.

"Got some bills for you." said the mailman.
"Thanks for da bills can ya do me a favor and pay for em, haaaaaa haa." said Gramps.
"Haaa that's a good one." said the mailman.

Later in the day the pizza delivery man drove by.
"Hey pizza, that's for me!" said Gramps.
The pizza car drove past and didn't hear Gramps.
"Shoot." said Gramps.

Then Gramps got up real slow, because he wanted to make a phone call to order pizza for himself. but as he walked toward the cordless phone inside his house he saw a pile of coupons and menus stacked up and saw the Chinese menu.

"Yuck I hate Chinese! Haaaaa haaa!" said Gramps.
Then he threw the Chinese menu and saw a menu for Thai food.
"Oooh dat looks good."

Then Gramps called the Thai place and ordered some food. He went back out and waited on the porch for the Thai delivery to come. The delivery guy showed up.

"Delivery?" he asked.
"Nope, not me!" said Gramps.
"But I sees here you order delivery."
"But there musts be some mistake." said delivery man.
"Aaaaah haaa haa I just makin' a joke." said Gramps.
"Oh hehe." said delivery man.

Then Gramps paid the delivery man and enjoyed the food on the porch.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

A Valentine's Story

The new sex movie was playing in the theaters and Nervous Judy and Big Dan had a date night planned.

"Dan, do you want to go see Sensual Undertaking?" asked Judy.
"What's Sensual Undertaking?"
"It's the new... uh movie." said Judy.

Judy was nervous to say to Dan, her husband, that it was a sexy movie.

"Oh... don't you want to see Action Packtime?" asked Dan.

Action Packtime was the new movie starring a bunch of old men who kick butt. It was supposed to be very violent.

"Oh... I do. I just... thought we could change it up and see Sensual Undertaking instead of Action Packtime. Maybe we can see Action Packtime tomorrow?" asked Judy.
"Okay. What's, um... Sensual Undertaking about?" asked Dan.
"It's about a couple of people who... like each other." said Judy.

Dan knew what that meant. But he was uncomfortable to say anything about, ya know, sex. And he didn't know how he'd handle himself in a public movie theater if he had to sit there and watch a scene with a, ya know, thrust, in it. But he also looked in his wife Judy's eyes and could tell Judy really wanted to see the movie. And she really wanted him to sit next to her and watch it too.

Dan took a deep breath.

"I would love to see Sensual Undertaking with you, honey." said Big Dan.
"Oh great." said Judy. Then she smiled.

They went and saw the movie. It was full of steam. There were at least three thrusts throughout the film. Everyone in the theater was tense about it. That made Dan feel better about being tense about it. Because he was not the only one.

"Good film." said Dan, as they walked out.
"I liked it too." said Judy.

Then they went home and made love very quickly and had a good night's sleep.

The End.

Friday, February 13, 2015

The Wipe

Snoobert was a man who put stuff off. One day he got a lot of it done. The only thing left was that damn smudge on the window.

"Aren't you gonna wipe me off?" said the smudge.
"Yes!" said Snoobert.... "of course I'm gonna wipe you off."

Then Snoobert took a seat in a chair and cleared his throat.

"I'm real smudgy lookin." said the smudge.
"I know that! You think I don't know that?" said Snoobert.
"Well do you like me being here?" said the smudge.
"Of course I don't. I wish you were wiped right off!"
"Well you hold the power to wipe me."
"I know."
"So... are you gonna?"
"Yes, I'm gonna."
"Wet napkins are in the cabinet under the sink."
"I know where they are. I put them there." said Snoobert.

Then Snoobert walked over to the cabinet. His palms got sweaty. He started to feel panicked.

"That's right. Wipe me down. Get those wet wipes, Snoobert. Do your human duty and wipe me!" said the smudge.
"Uhhh... I have to go eat something I just remembered I'm famished!" said Snoobert.

Then Snoobert made a sandwich and turned his back to the smudge.

"Mmm this sandwich is good. So glad I am eating lunch. Lunch is important to eat for many reasons." said Snoobert, as he sat at his table eating.

The sandwich fixings, cutting board, and bag of bread stared at him eating the sandwich.

"Snooobert... Are you going to put us away?" they said. Snoobert put the sandwich down.
"Uh... I have get the smudge wiped up." said Snoobert.
"Yesss!" said the smudge.

Snoobert grabbed the wet wipes and approached the window.

"That's it. Wipe me. Wipe me real good. Wipe me off, wipe me fast, and wipe me hard!! Then when you're done, don't forget to put away the sandwich fi--"

And the smudge was gone.

Snoobert was relieved. And no longer hungry.

"Snooobert aren't you going to put us away?!?" said the fixings.
"Snoobert, aren't you going to finish eating me?" said the rest of the sandwich.
"If you don't put us away we'll go baaaad!" said the fixings.
"Either finish me or put me in the fridge and save me for later! Don't you think I'd make a great late snack?!" said the sandwich part.
"Put us away, put us away, put us away!" they all said.

Snoobert gripped both sides of his scalp and had a panic attack.

The Mentally Ill Dynamite Guys

The Firecracker Boy was let out of his cage one day and he went on a firecracker rampage.

"I'm gonna blow someone up with these firecrackers." said The Firecracker Boy.

He zeroed in on Luke the Kook! The Firecracker Boy watched him him walk into the medical building. Luke the Kook had a screw loose in his head. He was going to the doctor.

"Hey doc, one of those screws you put in my head to hold it together from that time I got hit hard with a car bumper came loose. So now I got a screw loose." said Luke the Kook.
"Let me take an X-ray." said the doc.

Luke the Kook's ex-girlfriend, Rachel, ran the X-ray machine at the doc's office.

"Oh no, it's my ex-Ray-friend! Ha! X-Ray-chel! Ha! We sure had some X-Ray-ted times together, huh? Ha!" said Luke the Kook.
"Boy you sure have a screw loose don't you?" said Rachel, remembering the times they used to have with a mix of fondness, sadness, and guilt.
"Too bad you hit me with that car bumper that one time." said Luke the Kook.
"Turn to the right." said Rachel.

The doc looked at the X-rays.

"Looks like we'll have to do surgery to screw the screws back in. They're a little loose looking." said the doc.
"I knew it." said Luke.

On Luke's way out of the office The Firecracker Boy was waiting for him. Luke the Kook took two steps out the door and-

"Pop-pop-pop! Pa-pop! Pop-pa-pop!" said the firecrackers.
"Sheesh is someone making loud popcorn?!" asked Luke the Kook real loud.
"Die you Kook!" said The Firecracker Boy.

Luke the Kook started sniffing for popcorn.

"I don't smell the popcorn!" said Luke.
"That's dynamite!" even though it wasn't dynamite, it was just little Black Cat firecrackers.
"Who are you?" asked Luke.
"I'm The Firecracker Boy, and I've been in a cage on the 3rd floor of this medical building where they've been doing scary science experiments on me! But I've got dynamite." he said.

Then he threw some firecrackers. They made more Pop, pop, pop noises.

"Is someone saying Pop, pop, pop real loud?" asked Luke the Kook.
"No that's my dynamite!" said The Firecracker Boy.
"Those look too tiny to be dynamite."
"You know where I can get dynamite?"
"At the grocery store, of course."

They went to the grocery store together.
"Where's the dynamite section?" they asked.
"We don't have one." said the grocery store.
"Let's go back to where we were standing before we came here." they said to each other.

They went back.

"Hey you guys should be up on the 3rd floor having medical experiments done on you." said a doctor walking out of the medical building.
"Not me, I should be up on the bird floor, not the 3rd floor, hehe." said Luke the Kook.
"I like birds too." said The Firecracker Boy.

Then they were taken upstairs to have more medical experiments done on them.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Mario's Big Forgets

Mario got hit in the head with a frying pan and he forgot everything. He forgot who hit him, he forgot his favorite shirt, he forgot his friend Tony, he forgot his other friend Elvis, and he forgot his tax return.

"Where am I what do I do?" said Mario.
"What were you trying to do?" said a bystander.
"I forgot." said Mario.
"Oh well what's your name?"
"I forgot." said Mario.
"Oh well don't worry about it, just keep going." said the bystander.
"Okay, what's your name?" asked Mario.
"I'm Dick." said the bystander.
"Hi Dick, what's my name you think?" asked Mario.
"Hmm your name is Hoggohorny 3.999999 Repeating." said Dick.
"Ooh that's a good name, thanks." said Mario, now known as Hoggohorny 3.999999 Repeating.

Hoggohorny 3.999999 Repeating went to get a job. He walked into a barber shop.

"Hi I'm Hoggohorny 3.999999 Repeating. I forgot my job. Was it ever this? If it was, can you teach me how to do it again? If it wasn't, can I have a new job? If yes, can you teach me how to do that job?" said Hoggohorny 3.999999 Repeating
"Can you cut heads?" said the barber.
"If I can I don't remember." said Hoggohorny 3.999999 Repeating
"Oh well sorry then no job for you. I'm too busy to teach a guy to cut hair. Mainly cuz I'm old and don't have many years left." said the barber.
"Can I sweep a floor?" asked Hoggohorny 3.999999 Repeating

Hoggohorny 3.999999 Repeating somehow knew how to sweep a floor. He swept it daily for a while. One day the barber made an observation.

"Hey Hoggohorny 3.999999 Repeating, it sure is interesting to me how you knew how to sweep, but didn't know other stuff. Maybe you were a sweeper before you forgot stuff."
"Maybe!" said Hoggohorny 3.999999 Repeating

Then on the way home Hoggohorny 3.999999 Repeating got hit in the head again and forgot everything again and had to start all over again. But that sweeping stuff and new name stuff and barber stuff was what he did during that one portion of his life. He never remembered again it though.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

The Chasers

Rico looked in the mirror at a mole on his back and it was big.  He was worried.

"Ooh I wonder if that is something I should worry more about." said Rico to himself. Then he made an anxious facial expression.

"Pound pound pound!" said the door.
"Uh oh, they're here." said Rico.

It was the chasers. The chasers had been chasing Rico for a long time. He should have known they'd find him at his home. The chasers were comprised of bosses, bills collectors, an ex-girlfriend, a school teacher, a meter maid, a buddy he'd see around who chatted too close and had hot breath, a handful of liberals, and one monster. They were frightening.

"There's stuuff we neeeed from youuu." said the chasers.
"No! Leave me alone!" Rico shouted through the window.
"We have expectaaationsss!"
"They aren't legitimate expectations, I'm only projecting them onto you!" shouted Rico, believing he was making up his concerns about the chasers.
"Noo, they are legitimate and you're not going craazzyyy..."
"Oh no, I've gotta get away." said Rico.

Rico tried to jump out of the bathroom window but they had the place surrounded. He managed to penetrate their ring around the house. He ran and ran and ran and got winded, because he'd recently put on weight.

"Damn I need to get in better shape." said Rico.
"We have just added a personal trainerrr naamed Brittanyyy!" moaned the chasers.
"Let me teach youuu to worrrk ouutt!" said Brittany the chaser.
"I woulddd love it if you looked fit on the jobb..." said a chaser boss of Rico's.
"Get away from me you chasers!" shouted Rico as he ran more.

The chasers chased.

Rico got cornered to where he could run no more. It was the end of the line. He would have to give all the chasers everything they wanted. They surrounded him tightly. Then just as he was almost in their grasp, he melted to slop and turned to sludge on the ground. It was his only escape. Their filthy soles stamped on him and absorbed his goo.

The chasers loosely scattered slowly in different directions, disappointed. Then they went and found other things to chase.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Scary Ralph

Scary Ralph was scary. One of the scariest things about him was that he ate people. It would be really scary the way he'd eat them. Because he'd lure them all nice like into his house, like he was a nice guy. Then he trick them and kill them and eat them. That would be the part that was scary.

Goobie was a fellow who was smart. He was able to tell when stuff was scary.

"Hey I'm having a pot roast at my house and you are invited, won't you come now?" said Scary Ralph.
"Hmm. I don't know if I can." said Goobie.
"But my house is right here and you're standing on the porch." said Scary Ralph.
"Yes but I have to deliver more mail." said Goobie.

Goobie was the mailman of the block. That's why he was on the porch. It was his job. He knew the house was scary so he didn't want to be there but he had to or else he could lose the job. And he needed the money.

"But I know my house is the last house on your route because it's at the end of the street." said Scary Ralph.

His house being on the end of the street also made it a scary house. Scary Ralph also smiled and had scary teeth, if I didn't mention.

"I don't want to come inside." said Goobie, directly.
"You sure are direct." said Scary Ralph.
"I say what I want and do what I mean." said Goobie. He meant something like that. He was nervous.
"Well I have a weapon in my pocket and if you don't come inside I will kill you by eating you."
"Ah ha! I knew it. You're a eater. If I come inside you'll eat me anyway."
"That's true. I'm going to eat you no matter what. So come inside now."

This was a scary thing for Scary Ralph to say. Scary Ralph grabbed Goobie and took him inside. Goobie was strong and smart and he was smart enough to know to punch Scary Ralph in his open scary mouth when Scary Ralph lunged for Goobie with his mouth open. Scary Ralph got 9 teeth knocked out. Then Goobie beat him with a coat rack by the door until Scary Ralph was dead.

"Hello Police? I just killed Scary Ralph. He was very scary and I was and am still scared." Goobie said into the phone.
"How do we know it was self defense?"
"Because I'm not a liar."
"That's not good enough for the police, pal."
"Okay I bet if you come over here you'll find a bunch of people parts that have been eaten and don't have my DNA on em. Like feet and hands and heads and genitals, of course." said Goobie.

The cops came over and checked it out and Goobie was right. Goobie was a hero. He stopped Scary Ralph from eating more people. Goobie still had to deliver mail for money though.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

The Hard Boiled Snafu

Becky had a hard boiled egg. She was so happy about it. You would never see another person so excited about a hard boiled egg, can you believe it? But this was gonna be a good tasting hard boiled egg, so you understand, right? Anyway she held it before herself.

"I shall eat this to yum heaven!" said Becky.

She put it on a plate. 

"But first I have to go brush my hair!" she said.

Brush her hair was code for go to the bathroom and use the toilet. She didn't want to be impolite. She was a lady. She was also going to wash her hands though. So even if she didn't use the bathroom toilet bowl she could have said she was going to wash her hands and no one would have been offended or thought she was someone who was using the toilet. Anyway she placed her prized hard boiled egg plate on the table.

"I'll get back to you shortly!" she said rubbing her hands together. Then she went to the bathroom leaving her hard boiled egg unattended. That was dumb of her.

Marcus walked up and saw the hard boiled egg. He had a name tag that had his name on it.

"Hmm that looks good." he said.

Then he ate the thing. Like a song of a bitch. Right as his last gulp went down Becky came back.

"Oh no, you ate my hard boiled egg! You song of a birch! You cockersocker! You swindlebag! You sick sack of sap! Marcus more like mucus! You snotman!" yelled Becky.
"Whoa easy on the language!" said Clean Herbert, who was walking by.
"Oh my gobs. I'm so sorry." said Marcus.

The sorry landed on Becky hard, who was expecting maybe a shut up or a eat this, babe. Or something antagonistic.

"Grumble..." said Becky.
"Gee I feel just awful. I have to find a way to make it up to you. This was my mistake completely. I should have thought before I ate the hard boiled eggy." said Marcus.
"Grumble mumble..." said Becky.

This hard boiled egg really meant a lot to Becky. It was going to be hard to have the day be better after not getting to eat it.

"I really am so so so sorry." said Marcus.
"...ermh.... It's okay. You didn't know." said Becky.

Then Marcus put his hand out and she shook it. Becky still had feelings of unrest within her, but what could she do? How could she experience the catharsis necessary to quell her rage. Marcus had already said he was so so so sorry. There was nothing more to be done about it.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Traffic in Memory Lane

Karate Kevin and Donut Roy met up for a drink at the bar. They were old friends and hadn't seen each other in a while.

"Ahhh this is a good beer." said Karate Kevin, sipping his Lager.
"Slurrrrp." said Donut Roy as he sucked the foam off his Pilsner.
"I've got to say you're looking great Donut Roy."
"Thanks Kevin, I've been trying." said Roy.

Donut Roy ate tons of Donuts but was in pretty fit shape considering. He used to be big and fat.

"Let's have a bunch of beers for the heck of it!" said Karate Kevin.
"Let's have 'em for the fun of it!" said Donut Roy.

They got drunk on beers together and had laughs. They talked about all the old friends and how Karate Kevin was so good at Karate and defending everyone.

"But I never got the chance to defend you, Donut Roy." said Karate Kevin.
"That is okay, maybe I'll get in trouble again some day!" said Donut Roy

Then they chugged more beer.

"Hey, remember Duke Dirtbully?" asked Karate Kevin.
"You kicked his butt when he tried to bully Tanya Pickles."
"Ha ha yah!" said Kevin.

The downed more beer and nuts.

"Remember Susie Bushies?!" asked Karate Kevin.
"Ooh yeah I loved her. Remember Goofy Carol?!" said Donut Roy.
"She was somethin' else!"
"Remember Donna Plantfeeder?"
"Which one was she?" asked Kevin.
"The one with brown hair." said Roy.
"Ohh, how could I forget!?"
"How bout that one time, it was wacky!"
"And also our great great friend Jamal was standing there and he was like 'this stuff is crazy!'" said Kevin.
"Yes, he was our great friend." said Roy.

Then they had more beer.

"Boy, we seemed to have walked so far down memory lane that I am lost! How do we find our way back!?" said Donut Roy.
"Ha ha I am lost too!" said Karate Kevin.
"But wait! Remember Ronald Hamsandwich?" said Donut Roy.
"Yes!" said Kevin.
"I was so in love with him, and he broke my heart, and I was sad for years." said Roy.
"But then Tits Rhonda showed up, what a wild wacky woman she was." said Kevin.
"Yes, she made everything better." said Roy.
"I must admit. Tits Rhonda made everything better for me too!"
"Why you old dog, you!"
"Hey, I got to pee." said Karate Kevin.
"Hey, can you still kick peoples butts real good?" asked Donut Roy
"Sure can!"
"So cool!"
"Okay let me go pee."

Karate Kevin went to pee and Angry Gene walked up.

"Hey, I'm Angry Gene, and I overheard you guys talking about Tits Rhonda! I used to go with Tits Rhonda a few years ago, and it didn't work out but we stayed really close friends, and I don't like the way you were talkin' about her, so I'm gonna hit you!!"
"Don't do it, my friend will be back any second, and also we didn't mean nothin' by it."

Angry Gene then slugged Donut Roy real hard, knocking him off the barstool. Then Gene left. Karate Kevin came back.

"What happened?"
"I got beat up because of the old times with Tits Rhonda!" said Roy.
"Awww shoot I wish I was there to defend you. I'm sad I missed my chance."
"I'm hurt real bad."
"Should we get you to a doctor?" asked Karate Kevin.
"No, get me to a donut!!" said Donut Roy.
"Ha ha okay!"

Then they ate Donuts.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Risk Taker's Paradise

Harry Kaka was a real snooze. He went to the store to buy a soda. The cashier gave him back the wrong amount of change. He was walking out sipping his soda and feeling refreshed, even though it was bad for him, and he realized he'd gotten the wrong amount of change.

"Uh oh." said Harry Kaka.

He thought long and hard, and stressed about what he should do. It was only 27 cents he got stiffed on. That didn't seem like a big enough deal to go back and talk to a person. Then he decided he would change things up and go mention it.

"Excuse me, sir. I think you gave me the wrong amount of change." said Harry, showing the change in his hand.
"Oh I'm sorry, you're right." said the cashier.

The cashier gave him the 27 cents. This was the most exciting exchange of Harry's week. Harry went and told his friend Brianna about it.

Brianna had recently been in a bad accident and couldn't walk and half her face was paralyzed. She did not seem to react much. So Harry tried telling a different friend. 

Harry went over to his friend Muhari. Muhari's daughter had dropped out of online welding school to sell drugs and found herself in a juvenile detention center, she was a fast learner and was being too ambitious for her young age. Possibly in part to the pressure Muhari was putting on her to excel in life. Nonetheless Muhari had a lot of big things on his mind.

"I got shortchanged 27 cents and I went--" said Harry.
"I cannot hear this story right now, Harry Kaka, I am sorry." interrupted Muhari.

This was unfortunate for Harry. Harry had to tell a few people about this story while it was still current and fresh. Otherwise it would be something that happened to him a long time ago. And that seemed like it would make it more difficult to be relatable.

Harry went over to his friend Andrew Grubert's house. Andrew was a real bore.

"Andrew the craziest thing happened to me recently. I got shortchanged 27 cents at the store and so I went back and told the guy. I let him know. Then I got my 27 cents in change back. Isn't that something? People today, am I right?" said Harry, beaming with pride.
"That is really something. You know today I went to eat breakfast and it was very warm out. Even though it is normally chilly. Did you notice? Anyway I always get coffee, so often that the lady doesn't really need to ask me if I want it, but the lady asked me if I wanted hot coffee. I let her know it was a little hot outside for hot coffee today. She didn't have a problem with that." said Andrew Grubert.

Then the two of them sat there nodding with pride for their big accomplishments.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Men by the Bush

George walked up to Buster who was standing by the bush.

"Hi Buster."
"Oh hello George."

George had had enough of Buster.

"George can you do my a favor?" asked Buster.
"Sigh, what?" said George.
"Can you give me a tickle?"
"A tickle?"
"Yes I love to be tickled and I'd just love it if you would tickle me."

George pointed to the bush.

"Why don't you use this branch off this bush to tickle yourself?" asked George.
"Okay well it's not the same." said Buster, pouting.

Buster took the branch and started dusting himself with it and feigning tickle reactions.

"Hehe... oh, gee. Stop it, me." Then he stopped. "Aw heck this stinks, it ain't the same!" said Buster.
"Sorry I don't want to tickle you." said George.

Then George sneezed.

"Uh oh." said George.
"What's wrong?" said Buster.
"I'm allergic to this bush." said George.
"I'm sorry to hear that." said Buster.
"Oh no. Now the itching is starting." said George.

George started to scratch himself. But he couldn't reach his back.

"Oh no there's a itch on my back I cannot reach." said George.
"Aw too bad." said Buster.
"Can you...?"
"Maybe we could negotiate something..." said Buster.

George spent the next two hours tickling Buster while he scratched George's back.

"Oooh hehehe hehehe it tickles! Hehehehe!" said Buster.
"Oooh ahhhh ahhhh thank you! Oh yeah that's the spot!" said George.

Then they became really good friends.

Stretching is Healthy

Pepe wanted to get ready for his big presentation at the office.

"I as very nervous." said Pepe.
"You have to find something to calm your nerves." said Doris.
"Do you having suggestions for me?"
"Stretch." said Doris.

Saphire walked by and overheard, then approached.

"Are you guys talking about stretching?" asked Saphire.
"Yes." said Doris.
"And you're advising him to stretch?" asked Saphire.
"Yes." said Doris.
"Oh good. Sweet stuff, it's true. You have to stretch and stretch hard. Those sassy little nerves will just go away!!!" said Saphire to Pepe.
"Okay I will do."

Pepe went and stretched real hard. He got rid of all the nervous.

"Wow I feel great." said Pepe.

Doris and Saphire cheered and applauded. Then Pepe thought about his presentation. Then he got nervous again.

"Uh oh I nervous again what do I do?" he said.
"Stretch again and stretch harder! Do it!" said Saphire.
"Yeah stretch more, Pepe." said Doris.
"Yeah stretch, Pepe, you little cutie!"

Pepe stretched real hard. Saphire and Doris liked watching Pepe stretch because of his cute little buns. He was in great shape, he just had a bit of stiffness. After this stretch they knew they had to get back to work.

"Have fun with your presentation!" they said. And they left him in the throes of a super hard stretch.
"I feel better now agains." said Pepe.

But something was off. Pepe stretched too hard, his arm was real long looking. And it wasn't before. He didn't notice. He went into the office and gave a fantastic presentation.

But the two bosses kept mumbling quietly to each other, "Geez, why's that one arm so long?" "Good question." said the other. And they couldn't really focus on the presentation.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

The Neat Idea!

Durgus went to the Doc because he had a couple of problems. He was hopeful the Doc would have some cures.

"Doc, when I look up I can't see nothin'." said Durgus.
"When you look at the sky or when you roll your eyes up in your head?"
"When I roll my eyes back in my head."
"What else is wrong?" asked the Doc.
"I don't have any idea!"
"Well both those things is cuz you don't have a lightbulb in your head."
"Why would I want that?"
"You know how when people gets a neat idea a lightbulb appears in their head?" explained Doc.
"Yeah of course!" said Durgus.
"Well you need a lightbulb in your head."
"How do I get a light bulb in my head?" asked Durgus.
"I can put one in your head! Surgically." said the Doc.
"I thought you only have lightbulbs in your head when you have a neat idea."
"Well if we put the lightbulb in your head, and you turn it on, and look up in your head, you can see all the neat ideas you have, and then you can have them!"
"Are you just trying to sell me hard on the lightbulb so I'll pay you a lot for surgery?"
"No way, man!"
"What if I get the lightbulb in my head and I turn on the light and I roll my eyes back in my head and I still don't see any idea?"
"We can give you a bunch of books to read and that will put some ideas in your head to see."
"Books are pretty expensive." 
"They've been sitting on my shelves untouched for years, I'll give them to you free." said the Doc.
"What if I look at the lightbulb up there and it's so bright I go blind?" asked Durgus.
"I can put some little sunglasses in there." said the Doc.
"Are they cool sunglasses?"
"Yes, they will look very cool in your head."
"Okay I like to be cool. I don't wanna look like a fool up there." said Durgus.
"You won't!"
"Okay let's do it!" said Durgus!
"Good idea!" said Doc.
"Idea? Maybe it's working already, ha!" said Durgus.
"I haven't done the surgery yet, but maybe!" said Doc.

Then they laughed for a few minutes. 

"Don't eat anything 12 hours before surgery." said the Doc.

Then the next morning Doc performed the surgery of implanting the lightbulb and sunglasses in Durgus's head. It was a total success until the doc turned on the lightbulb and it fried Durgus's brain. Smoke came out of his ears.

The Juicer

Hannah went to eat a hamburger at Hamburger Hounddog's. They had the juiciest burger in town.

"Gimme the Juicer!" said Hannah.
"Uh... one Juicer, coming up." said the burger server.

Hannah thought it was strange that the burger server acted kind of weird. You know, how he said "Uh..."? It was like he didn't know what The Juicer was. But The Juicer was Hamburger Hounddog's signature burger. She proceeded, business as usual, anyway.

"Can't wait to eat that big fat juicy burger." said Hannah.
"Yes it's coming up." said the burger server.

Hannah sat at the table tapping her foot. She prepared condiments. She knew she was gonna pig out on that Juicer. Then she realized it might not be a pretty sight. So she decided she should eat it alone.

"Um, could I get that to go actually?" asked Hannah.
"Yes definitely." said the server.

She said and waited. Then paradise awaited. It was ready.

"One Juicer!" said the burger guy.
"That me." said Hannah.

She ran to her car and headed home. She decided she didn't want to wait to eat The Juicer so she pulled over a few blocks away from Hamburger Hounddog to eat The Juicer in her car. She opened the bag, she pulled out The Juicer, it didn't smell as fragrant as she expected. The bun was warm. She put it up to her face and took a bite. And clang! The meat patty was made of cold black metal rock. It rattled her teeth. Hannah was pissed. She turned her car around and drove back to Hamburger Hounddog's to complain.

She arrived at the Hamburger Hounddog location. But it was a church. What? With the same architecture.

Hannah walked up to the church door and knocked. A priest answered.

"Yes my child?"
"My burger is a rock." said Hannah.
"My dear you need the Lord."
"Where is Hamburger Hounddog?" asked Hannah.
"Hamburger Hounddog has been closed down for 25 years.
"But I was just there." said Hannah.
"It's gone now. Would you like to come in and pray?" said the priest.
"No, I want The Juicer."
"There is no Juicer." said the priest.

Hannah left furious. She was sure there was something suspicious going on. She became very paranoid and confused. Two weeks later she turned up dead.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Jerry Hair Mouth

Jerry had no hope. There was no hope anywhere. He was hopeless. He couldn't find any hope, no matter how much he hoped he could. He went through life without hope. One day he thought "Hey maybe there's some hope." And he asked Rudy Patootie.

"Is there hope?"
"Nope, no hope." said Rudy.

Jerry also had hair growing out his mouth. When he was a kid he ran his trap too much. When he went through puberty he started growing hair out his mouth and it made him talk less. He trimmed it often so it wouldn't get in the way of stuff like talking and eating.

But when Jerry found out there was no hope he quit trimming it and let the hair grow real long out of his mouth. Long and strandy. It was like a horse tail hanging out of his face. Sarah Dolphinhead walked up to Jerry.

"Jerry you need a haircut. All that hair coming out of your mouth is kind of scary." she said.
"Who cares?" said Jerry.
"Well, I hope for your sake you get a haircut in your mouth." said Sarah Dolphinhead.
"There is no hope." said Jerry.

Jerry sat on his couch eating chips and the chip crumbs would get caught in his mouth hair. He only got a few little pieces of chip down his throat. He choked a lot too.

One day out of boredom Jerry decided to brush his mouth hair tail. He got a lot of crud out of it. Then he washed and shampooed it. He got a little bit of shampoo in his mouth. It didn't taste great, but it was baby shampoo so he didn't get chemical burns on his tongue, which is something that happens with other soaps if you put it in your mouth for too long.

When he dried it all off it looked pretty. Like a brushed horsetail. Jerry decided to braid it. Because why the fuck not? Beats dying. He braided it real good and it looked very pretty and made him look handsome. He put a rubber band at the end and decided to walk to the store for more chips to eat. Because fuck it, right?

On the way to the store he was stopped by Jessie Dooberdoppin. Jessie loved Jerry's braid.
"It's gorgeous Jerry. Great hair! Stay cool!" said Jessie.

This was a surprise to Jerry. He felt confident. He felt... hope.

"Wow." he thought. Then he had a new lease on life and walked around confidently. He decided to even take a trip to Sushi Juicy, the hair stylist.

"Ooh baby I'm gonna do you right!" said Sushi Juicy. Then Sushi Juicy gave Jerry's hair mouth a perm. Then Jerry parted his mouth hair perm down the middle so he could have a good snack.

Jerry eventually lost hope again. But then he got it back from some other place.