Friday, July 31, 2015

The Sparkling Light Face Lord

The sparking light hit the beautiful face so well that everyone fell in love.

"Ooooooh." said they.
"Ahhhhhh." they ahh'd.
"So beautiful." they said.
"Let's worship the beautiful face and then go talk to it." said they.

They walked up to the well lit beautiful face. But the sun and moon moved and the sparkling light lit it differently.

"Gasp, uh oh." they said.
Then the beautiful face moved over a little and it was beautiful again.
"Oh phew, wow beautiful again. Great light. True beauty." they said to themselves.

They decided to speak to it.
"Hey beautiful face. Give us the answers. We project it all onto you. Because of you. Speak and speak now!" they said.
A dumb doe-eyed look came into the beautiful face's eyes. It spoke.
"Uhh...." said the beautiful face.

This landed in a sour spot for them, as it was not what they were expecting. The dumb unconfident look in the eyes didn't help.

"Uhh??" they repeated incredulously.
"It said Uhhh???" more of them repeated.
"We hate that!! This beautiful face is nothing! There's nothing there!!!!!" said all of them.

Then they started getting restive and rowdy. It was tense. The beautiful face tried to save face and say something interesting.

"I went to college." it said.
"Booo." they grr'd.
"My book club is also a meditation club." it tried again.
"Grrr..." they howled.
"Arrghghgh..." they chattered.
"Want to know my favorite DJ?!"
"Get busted!" they rahh'd.
"I had a gay phase once!" it pleaded.

They were gone. The beautiful face had lost them. They all went and smoked, drank, pissed, shit, cussed, fucked, cut themselves, vomited, licked armpits, sniffed dirty clothes, put hair in their food and ate it, punched each other, bled on each other, shot chemicals into their veins pushed motor bikes off cliffs, screamed til their cords were raw, and their acid reflux from over eating spicy food, caused erosive esophagitis. Then they continued with the bad stuff. They chopped down trees, pantsed strangers, wore eyepatches, yanked on their hair follicles, crank called people, and climbed fences to jump on a neighbor's trampoline until.... they saw a new face of beauty that was lit with the beautiful sparkling light.


Bookhead lived in Bookland where there were a bunch of bookheads. All they knew mostly were books and the books they read. Books were everywhere. It was book overload.

Bookhead was like "Book-book-book-book-book I like my life book-book-book words-words-words you know what I'm saying?" And Bookhead 2 was like "Yes, yes, yes I book you all around words-words-sentences things-that-someone-wrote!"

"I am hungry let's go book-book-words-read-read!" Bookhead said.
"Sounds like a great book idea! Book-book-book?" said Bookhead 2.
"Certainly." said Bookhead.

Then Bookhead and Bookhead 2 walked around in circles bumping into each other. They knocked over a stack of books.

"Books!" said Bookhead 2.
"Word so sorry!" said Bookhead.
"Read where you're going!" said Old Grumpy Bookface.

Then they went to a bookstand and booked some books into their bookheaded faces.
"This reads down nice and easy." said Bookhead.
"Mine's kinda wordy." said Bookhead 2.

Then Bookhead and Bookhead 2 stumbled into a movie theater.

"Cannot wait to see what this book-book-book will book-book."
"Book too!"
"I don't read-read a single book in here..." said Bookhead with curious caution.

Then the lights went dim, the film projector lit up, the sound of flickering filled the room, and the movie began. Bookhead and Bookhead 2 furrowed their pages and scratched their spines.

"What is this?" Book said.
"What in the book is going on?!" said Book 2.
"What in the word is happening?!?"
"These aren't book!"
"Word are the words??!"
"Read am very scared!"

Bookhead and Bookhead 2 screamed and flapped their pages through the entire duration of the picture and never comprehended why the movie wasn't a book.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Sarcastic Sally and Rhetorical Rick

Sarcastic Sally sipped her salt flavored tea. Rhetorical Rick ripped into a ripe apple sandwich. Rhetorical Rick didn't want the apple sandwich, but he was so hungry and was trying to eat more apples because he heard they were healthy. Sally could tell Rick wasn't enjoying the sandwich.

"I'll bet you just love that sandwich." said Sarcastic Sally.
"Do we only do things we love?" replied Rhetorical Rick.

Sarcastic Sally sat and pondered that for a while. As she did any time Rhetorical Rick spoke. It was hot outside. They were sweating profusely.

"Gee I sure could use a winter coat because I am so cold." said Sarcastic Sally.
"Do we only talk about the weather when there is nothing real to talk about? And is there ever really anything real to talk about?" said Rhetorical Rick.

Sarcastic Sally sat and pondered that for a while too. She sipped her salty tea. Rhetorical Rick chewed. Sally kept pondering. Rhetorical Rick had a way of making Sally ponder things. It was probably the deep thoughtful questions he'd ask.

Condescending Colin came over.

"Aw you guys are sitting all together with each other at this table." said Condescending Colin.
"Too bad there are only two chairs and not a third one for you to join us!" said Sarcastic Sally.

Then Passive Aggressive Patsy passed by.

"Colin, you were supposed to join me at the ice cream shop and you didn't but it was okay because I got to eat more ice cream by myself."
"Aw you love ice cream, don't you?" said Condescending Colin.
"How could someone pass up the opportunity to meet you for ice cream?" said Sarcastic Sally.
"How do we all exist peacefully together?" asked Rhetorical Rick.

Sarcastic Sally, Condescending Colin, Passive Aggressive Patsy and Rhetorical Rick all sat there and pondered that for a while.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

The Magic Toilet-Seat Ride

Zitmouth and Armpithead went on the famous secret often talked about but rarely experienced notorious magic toilet-seat ride through the big mountain of pee and then over the throw up rainbow.

"Wow the throwup rainbow is everything I ever dreamed it'd be." said Zitmouth.
"I'm underwhelmed by it." said Armpithead.

Then the Majestic Detergent Dragon Blew hot bubbles at them, knocking them off their toilet seat.

"Ahhhh!" they yelled as they fell. But then they were caught by the Puffy Gruffy Smog Cloud Cuddlepuff. Which made them covered in gray dust.

"Cough cough." said Zitmouth.
"You saved us!" said Armpithead.
"All I was doin' was just sitting around and you landed on me! You saved yourselves." said Puffy Gruffy Smog Cloud Cuddlepuff.
"I guess that is true." said Armpithead.
"I saw we all played a part in this scenario and we made a good team." said Zitmouth.
"Hey you're wise." said Puffy Gruffy Smog Cloud Cuddlepuff.
"Thanks." said Zitmouth.
"Say how'd you get so lucky as to get a coveted two seat ride on the magic toilet-seat ride. That's only stuff of lore. Like me!" said Puffy Gruffy Smog Cloud Cuddlepuff.
"I won it off a Scratch and Snort contest!" said Zitmouth.
"Hey wait a second. Lore? Are you the Puffy Gruffy Smog Cloud Cuddlepuff?!" asked Armpithead.
"In the flesh!" said Puffy Gruffy Smog Cloud Cuddlepuff.

Armpithead and Zitmouth were flabberdusted.

"You hold the secret to the Canker Sore Fortune. Is it real?!" said Zitmouth.
"Yeah of course. It's in weaser's wet cavehole. I'll drift you to it."

Then Puffy Gruffy Smog Cloud Cuddlepuff driffted Zitmouth and Armpithead to weaser's wet cavehole were they got all the scabby coins from hundreds of years in hiding.

"We are rich! We did it! We can save the day now!" they cheered.
"Hey congrats guys." said Puffy Gruffy Smog Cloud Cuddlepuff.

And they were able to go home and save the rat den they lived in!

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Buster's Home Appreciate Level

Buster Bissler had a mantle in his house with a vase on the mantle. And a stack of books on the mantle.

"Ah I love just walking around my house looking at the things I've got." he said in his house as he walked around in his underwear.

He walked into the room with the mantle. "I think I should touch one of the books on the mantle. It's been so long since I've read those books. Oh there's the vase there too. I should fetch a flower from my garden to place in the vase." he said out loud.

"I quite enjoy talking out loud to the house, as though the house is alive and going to respond." said Buster out loud. Then he stopped for a moment to listen and wait as if the house was going to speak up.

"Droooooooooooone..." said the house, which is what it always and only said. No response, basically.  Buster kept walking.

He walked toward the outdoors to fetch a flower from his garden. Though he hadn't tended his garden in years. "No flower? I suppose I'll have to fetch a weed." he said.

So Buster fetched a weed from the grass and brought it into the house. He poured himself a glass of water, had a little sip, "Aaahh..." he said loudly, "Some for me," he said out loud, "Some for you." he said to the weed. Then he poured the water into the vase on the mantle and slipped the weed into the vase.

"Now it's time for that book. I love the written word!" he said as he reached for the book. Then he stopped. "Gasp!" he said out loud. There was a thick film of dust over the pile of books. In fact the film of dust extended to the entire mantle and even all over the vase. He retracted his hand, careful not to penetrate the dust layer.

"Have I neglected you for that long?!" said Buster, incredulously. "I'm so sorry, my children!"

Buster went and put on his prized white gloves that belonged to his grandmother. He did not want the dust to touch his flesh. He picked up the book and carried it to the coffee table. He was pleased with himself that he did not get dust on his precious finger. He sat down, stretched his face, wiggled his knees, and prepared to sink into the dusty book he'd placed before him. He felt a little tickle of eye crumb in his eye so he quickly scooped it out of his eye corner with his finger. Too enraptured with his plan to enjoy the book, Buster forgot that he had placed the glove on his hand and not removed it, along with the glove on his hand, the dust, absorbed into the finger tips of the white glove, but carelessly transferred into his eyeball.

"No!!!! The itch!! No! The dust!!" screamed Buster, as he stood up and ran about his home in his undies.

"Droooooooooooooooone.... hmmhmhmm... oooooooooone...." giggled the big house, under it's dronebreath.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Jonny Jabbadabba Gets Forgetful

Jonny Jabbadabba was walkin' down the car roof and the car ran out of roof so he fell off. Luckily the car wasn't in motion and he fell on the ground but it wasn't in motion so no cars were whizzing behind for him to fall under.

"Phew that was close, dangalang-a-dingdong close!" said Jonny Jabbadabba.
"Man I saw that whole suckin' thing!" said Goiks!
"I got lucky ducky." said Jonny Jabbadabba.

Then Jonnny Jabbadabba wanted to go get a chili-dog. So he went to Ditch's Dog's

"Come on in to Ditch's Dogs where you dig in a ditch and get rich off yumdogs!" said Cackle Splackle, the owner of Ditch's Dogs.
"I want the Original Ditch Dog, my razzmatazz compadre!" said Jonny Jabbadabba.
"That'll be 20 minutes. I'm gonna make it real good for you so it takes time." said Cackle Splackle.

So Jonny Jabbadabba stood around tappin' his toes and shakin' his rumpus to the background music and he got so into the music that he got forgetful and that's when tragedy struck and Jonny Jabbadabba's mouth fell off.

"Oh no!" it said from the ground.
"What happened?" said Quirky Earl.

Jonny Jabbadabba pointed to the ground.
"Eww ya mouth fell off!" said Quirky Earl.
"Yeah and I was about to eat a Ditch Dog. Then sing a song!" said Jonny's mouth from the ground.
"Tell ya what pal, I don't normally do this, but you're a real daddy cat so I'm gonna lend you my mouth." and Quirky Earl gave his mouth to Jonny Jabbadabba.
"But listen if I don't get this back I'm gonna be pissed." said Quirky Earl's mouth from Quirky Earl's hand.

Jonny Jabbadabba put Quirky Earl's mouth on his face.
"Ditch Dog ready!" said Cackle Splackle.
Jonnny Jabbadabba ate the Ditch Dog with Quirky Earl's mouth.

"Mmmm mmmm, this is primo demon, baby! Yumma dum dum, you know what I'm sayin'?" said Quirky Earl's mouth on Jonnny Jabbadabba's face.
Quirky Earl nodded, because he knew how good those Ditch Dogs were.

Yeckity Heckity Winkle Time

Blolita wore silver super magnet finger nail polish and she kept getting paperclips stuck to her fingertips.

"Get these damn things offa me!" she said shaking her hands and flinging clips everywhere. One of the clips flew across the room and put out Dernald's eye. But his eye was a plastic eye anyway because he'd lost his eye to a poison telescope once, and he couldn't afford a glass eye, which was high class. So he had a low class plastic eye.
"Hey you poked my eye I couldn't see out of out!" said Dernald.
"Oh I'm so sorry!" said Blolita.
"No I'm saying thank you! Finally I can go get that high class glass ball I've had my good eye on."

Dernald would go to the eyeball shop every week just to window shop. He was a windowshopaholic. He needed that good push. But then he got the good push and it wasn't enough. So he needed that good poke. He finally got the poke and it was enough.

"I'm going to get that new ball!" he said.

Dernald stepped out side but his car in the driveway had just been painted with peanut butter by the car paint guy and it wasn't dry yet.

"Aw shit I forgot I just got my paint job done." said Dernald.
"Ooh I'll bet it has that new peanut butter smell." said Blolita.
"But it's not drivable." said Dernald.
"So walk!"

So Dernald was gonna do that but right before he opened the door and stepped outside the front porch exploded. 

"Aw shit not again." said Dernald. 

Then it started raining Coca-Cola. And the cola put out the burning porch. But it kept raining.
"Can I borrow your galoshes?" asked Dernald.
"But these galoshes were given to me by a person I've never met and meant nothing to me, I can't let you wear them out. And they're for water, not cola."
"Can I wear them to bed?" 
"They are very comfortable to go to sleep in, you have to promise not to fall in love with them."

So Dernald put the galoshes on and went to bed and had dreams of buying the glass eye and he fell in love with the galoshes and was worried Blolita would be mad but she woke up panicked because the refrigerator was stuck to her fingernails in the morning so she was distracted with that and he was like "Yesssss lucky me!"

Friday, July 24, 2015

Richie Shitty Has a Dark Side

Richie Shitty screwed dirty hooker Magingerina and it was because he liked dirty hookers.

"Gimme what you got you dirty stinky dirty lady!" said Richie Shitty.

She worked the dirty screwing hard and he was like
"I want all the dirty stuff you got. Give it to me!"
"Yeah you like that dirty stuff. I'm gonna give you all the warts and bumps and drips and things you'll have to get treatment for!" said Magingerina.
And he said "Yahhhh that's what I want! I deserve it!" because he had a double life where he was a clean cut guy but people with great intuition knew he had a shady greasy side.

Like Mike and Vince.
"Hi Richie." said Mike.
"Hey Mike. Hey Vince." said Richie.
"Hi." said Vince.
"Say I gotta run you guys. See ya soon." said Richie.
"I got a feeling something is off about that guy, even though he seems like a regular guy."
"Me too."

See? They could just sense it. And they were right. Anyway, back to this screwing of the hooker.

"I want all the dirty stuff!" then Richie Shitty finished.
"Here ya go babe." he said as he gave her some bills.
"So long." said Magingerina.

A couple of weeks went by and he went to the doc to get checked out because nothing seemed to be off except some itching.
"You got world class crabs!" said the doc.
"Aw shit what else?" said Richie, feigning being upset.
"Just crabs." said doc.
"That it? Did you check for anything else?"
"Checked twice. Just crabs." said doc.
"Okay thanks doc." said Richie.

Then he left the office pissed.
"Shit! I been ripped off!" said Richie. He thought he was getting a ton of messed up bumpy oozey stuff and he just got itchy crabs! He called the madam of Magingerina, who apologized and said she'd personally give him some messed up stuff. He was skeptical.

Then the crabs did a vaudeville musical dance number.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Spitty and Dumper Thaw Out

Spitty the gross bumpy bubble skinned mucus mouthed mumbler said to Dumper the grumpy crow footed ankle swelled sagmaster "You're a real sack."
"You're no warm toast, yourself!" said Dumper.

They had been set up on a date by their mutual friend the Crankster.
"I think you could maybe get along." he said to Spitty.
"I think you might like each other." he said to Dumper, at a separate time.
"Plegh..." said Spitty.
"Gerghh..." said Dumper.

And but so off they went to go meet each other. They didn't like each other. They said their first initial unfriendly comments to each other. But both of them had made the trip out so they decided to just sit there and scowl for a while.

"I can't believe I dragged myself outta the coop for this." said Spitty.
"It was no cruise for me either." said Dumper.
"I hate cruises so consider yourself the lucky one." said Spitty.

Then they sat in silence and scowlence for more of a long time. Spitty sniffled. Dumper shifted in her seat and her body creaked and cracked. Then more silence.

Spitty decided he was gonna say something. He cleared his throat. But his throat didn't clear so he kept tugging the phlegm ticklers up and down inside his esophagus. He spent about twelve minutes clearing it then it finally cleared. He still spoke in a scratched out voice.

"Mmehmmm...Uh do you have any pictures of yourself from when you were young?" asked Spitty.
"Yeah." said Dumper.
"May I see it?" he asked.
"Do you have one of you?" said Dumper.
"I do also happen to carry one." said Spitty.
"Let's swap. " said Dumper.

They pulled out their wrinkled crinkled photograph and swapped. Both Spitty and Dumper thought the other looked really great and nice in their younger years. Spitty found himself quite taken by the young Dumper and Dumper was quite smitten by the young Spitty. They instantly warmed up to one another and then struck up a conversation about their worst experiences with food poisoning.

When Bro Lied

Bro lied to Baby and Baby found out.

"I can't believe you would lie to me!" said Baby.
"I didn't lie to you." said Bro.
"You're lying now I know you are!" said Baby.
"It ain't true!" said Bro.
"You know what's not true? What you said before!" said Baby.
"No, Baby." said Bro.
"Admit it!" said Baby.
"Okay I lied to you! I shouldn'ta lied to you, but listen to me!" said Bro, as Baby was walking away.

Then My Boy showed up, he was ready to go.
"Bro, c'mon let's go." said My Boy.
"What's he doing here?" said Baby.
"That's My Boy!" said Bro.
"Bet you lie to him too!" said Baby.
"No way I wouldn't lie to My Boy!" said Bro.
"Oh but you'd lie to me!" said Baby.
"Baby I wouldn't lie to you!" said Bro.
"But you did!" said Baby.
"Hey Bro! Let's go!" said My Boy, again.
Then Baby walked away again.
"Let me explain." said Bro.

Then Baby walked away to the other side of the room and pointed her eyes up to the ceiling with her arms crossed.

"Baby, look at me."
She didn't look.
"Baby, cmon."
She wouldn't.

"Baby, you're my everything." said Bro.
This meant a lot to Baby. She turned around.
"You mean it?" said Baby.
"Yeah Baby," said Bro. "I know I lied to you, Baby. But you know what?"
Baby hung on Bro's next words...
"It was wrong."

"Hey Bro, let's go." said My Boy again again.
"Baby, I gotta go." said Bro, "But I'll be back later, Baby."

Then Bro kissed Baby on the lips and left and she felt like he was her man.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Gertie in the Wrong Place

Gertie was walking around in the dark room. It was a room filled with dark. She couldn't see.

She had been looking for a snack in the kitchen after she was looking for a stapler to staple some papers and a drawing she thought would go well together because the drawing was a drawing of a fellow she dreamed about a couple of times who she wasn't sure if was from her past but it was an incomplete drawing because she felt she needed a special deep black charcoal pencil though she wasn't a trained artist but the paper featured instructions on how to draw the figure properly should she meet some sort of brain damaging accident or straight on demise which is why the instructions in the papers were important to her even though in the larger scale the figure in her dream and legacy of what she was doing by putting instructions together was excessive and didn't really mean anything and she probably was not actually important enough to warrant someone finishing this minuscule side project but the pencil type she was after was not where she thought she had left it she was always leaving things in places where they shouldn't have been and she herself found herself in places she shouldn't have been like the time she was in a man's home who would go on to be accused of murdering a woman who looked like her and his whole defense team in the legal system wound up dead before he could be convicted so it was a deferred trial but he had a family connection to Russian drug traffickers though he himself was not Russian and she herself was not a drug addict it was just a place Gertie found herself in much like the dark room because the kitchen didn't have the snacks she was after and the stapler didn't have any staples but she kept the staples in the fridge sometimes but the fridge only had snacks she wasn't looking for like bell peppers and gummie chews which reminded her that gummie chews didn't go in the fridge they went in the pantry which was in the garage which didn't have a car in it because she didn't drive but the garage came with the home and she did live and she needed the home but it had storage in it and a pantry which should have been in the kitchen instead of the garage because her home layout matched her propensity to not keep things in the proper places like the pantry where the gummies should have been placed which reminded her to check for a more desirable drier snack in the pantry in the garage which was used for storage which was filled with dark which was the color of the charcoal pencil she needed for the drawing of the man in her memory which may have been concocted by an amalgam of multiple childhood experiences like the time she was trapped in a dark closet and heard stomping and fell asleep and woke up safe in the traveling circus day care which kept her completely safe but her parents were so panicked that harm may have come to her when they arrived that they implanted the feelings of a trauma with their fear so trauma in her life became associated with the feeling of safety which is why when she was in the frightful dark room and she bumped into the plants she kept there and the wilted leaves tickled her arm she screamed.


Though no harm had actually come to her. She had forgotten why she was in the dark.

Leo the Lawyer Gives His All

Leo the Lawyer tried to be a lawyer all the time, all the day, all his life, he worked so hard at being a lawyer. He even went to law school. He even read the books. He even wrote down fine print real well. He couldn't do it though. He couldn't get the cases. He kept telling himself "I should quit." But then he would still keep trying to be a lawyer and not being one.

"I should quit." he thought.
He consulted friends, "I think I should quit."
"I don't know maybe you shouldn't." they'd say. 
"I want to quit. I should quit." he'd say.

Then he'd keep trying to be a lawyer. Hard. He made a commercial to try to get cases.

"Do you want someone who will fight for you? I will represent you and I will fight for you!" Leo the Lawyer said in the commercial to try to get some cases. Then he didn't get much cases and when he got them he didn't win them. Then he thought to himself "I should quit I should quit I should quit I should quit." and he kept thinking to himself he should quit.

Leo saw a case one day that he really wanted. "I want that case." he said. Then he didn't get it. "I should quit." he said next. Then he spent the next 30 years trying to get more cases and win them but losing them and saying things like "I should quit." and "This is shit, I should quit."

Then one day his heart gave out and he died but he never quit. Even though he said he should. He lived a full length life. He never quit. Then he went up to Dead Heaven and the Oh Heavenly Father of Dead said

"Hey you spent your life saying you should quit and you never did."
"Father of Heavenly Death of Heaven, have I made a mistake? Have I wasted my life? Should I have quit? Or was I a fool for spending so much time thinking I should quit? Or was I noble in my perseverance despite my desire to quit? Or was I a fool to not indulge my desire to quit? Did I do it wrong, Oh Heavenly Father of Wisdom?"
"I don't know." said Heavenly Father.
"You don't know?" said Leo the Lawyer.
"No, what are you askin' me for? Do I look like an expert or something?"
"Well I thought maybe..."
"You know, people are always asking me stuff like that, but what do I know? How do I know the answer, they must expect a lotta me, it's too much pressure. I should have an answer for 'em but I don't. I don't know what to tell 'em. I should just quit."
"Maybe I shoulda quit." said Leo the Lawyer.

Then Leo the Lawyer and Father of Heavenly Heavens both had panic attacks.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Melvin's Party Antics

"Hey I'm a great masseuse and it's a competitive field the masseuse field. Some people branch out and try to get into chiropracting as well as masseusing then they get into acupuncture and it becomes very complicated. Me I just stick with masseuseness. I don't want to be spread too thing. When people start dilly dallying in multiple fields like that they lose focus of their one true passion. I understand the pressures of wanting to succeed and expand your market, but I truly believe passion for what you're doing comes first and if you put your passion first then you lead the way of where your passion is taking you." said Melvin.
"Neat. Thanks for telling me that stuff." said Prune.
"Anyway enough about me and my passion. What's your name?" said Melvin.
"It's Prune." said Prune.
"Ooh that's such a pretty name." said Melvin.
"Did it used to be Plum?" said Melvin, jokingly.
"Hehe." said Prune.
"What, didn't you think that joke was funny?" asked Melvin.
"Well I've heard it a lot."
"Oh." suddenly Melvin got embarrassed because he thought he was being so clever and interesting but he was just saying the same stuff everyone said to Prune.
"This is a pretty nice party and neat old house, huh?" said Melvin.
"I have to go to the bathroom." said Prune.

Prune didn't really have to go to the bathroom. She just wanted to get away from Melvin because of the dumb plum joke he made. Melvin stood there sipping his drink. A ghost haunted up to him.

"Hey I was sitting and listening to you, you sounded like a real blowhard." said the ghost.
"Who said that?" said Melvin.
"Me that ghost. This house is old. Ghosts, a lot of us." said the ghost.
"Oh. Scary."
"Not really. But anyway you loved talking about yourself and that bad joke... heh..." said the ghost.
"Hey! Lot of pressure I don't know what to say. I'm just trying to make a living as a masseuse." said Melvin.
"I understand, I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I just stand around and listen to conversations, I've gotten pretty good judgement at this point." said the ghost.
"I had high expectations about coming here I'll admit." said Melvin.
"I can tell cuz your hair looks like you put a lot of work into it." said the ghost.
"Agh I'm suddenly embarrassed. I'm going to leave. Hey would you mind telling some people about my masseuse business?" said Melvin.
"Yeah I'll haunt a few people about it. Good luck." said the ghost.

Melvin went home and looked in the mirror. "I'm so stupid. And kind of a failure. Damnit." he said.

Melvin went to work the next week and gave a lonely massage to a paranormal specialist who wasn't sure how he found out about the place.

"Hey... that party wasn't so bad after all." thought Melvin.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Detective Douf

Detective Douf was on the case.

"Hey is this a clue?" he said.
"Hey are you a crook?" he'd ask.
"Hey who did the crime?!" he'd say.
"Hey what's the evidence?" he'd go.
"Aw Detective Douf you stink!" said Jim Rogers.

Jim Rogers was a Detective judger. He'd walk in the room first, then say it. He had a puffed out chest too, so you know that was intimidating.

"Aw no I stink?" said Detective Douf.
"That's right, get off the case." said Jim Rogers.
"You have case offing power?" asked Detective Douf.
"Yes I do!" said Jim Rogers.

So Detective Douf went home and cried and cried.
"Aww I'm off the case! I stink! This is no good. I guess I'll drink."

Then he hit the drink.
"Now I'm drunk! I stink and I'm drunk! I was on the case and I stunk!"

Before you going feeling too bad for Detective Douf. First of all try to remember that he lucked into the job and someone who would have been better at it got the job. But his grandfather Captain Schmubs put a call in. So that's not super fair. Second of all try to remember that Detective Douf was mean to people sometimes. One time he told Sniffy Rogers she had big hands and two left feet for ears. Sniffy was sad sad sad about it. See? Not so likable now.

"Awww I'm a bad guy. I done bad things. I am surprised I didn't do the crime!" said Detective Douf.

He started thinking about the bad things he's done. "Aw that was bad, and that was bad, and that was bad, and that was too. Hey wait a second!" That's when it dawned on him. He grabbed his detective coat and and headed for the door.

Detective Douf went over to Jim Rogers house.
"Hey Jim Rogers! Guess what?! I figured a thing out. I know when you were mean to me cuz I was mean to Sniffy Rogers. And guess who Sniffy Rogers is? Your sister! Rogers/Rogers?! Make sense?"
"Looks like you cracked the case of why I wanted you off the case. You're pretty good."
"Can I be back on the case?" asked Detective Douf.
"The case was already solved, sorry." said Jim Rogers
"Damn? You're supposed to want the case to be solved, you're a Detective."
"Oh. Guess I've got a lot to learn. Damn." said Detective Douf.

Kibble Bibber the Cheese Dancer

Kibble Bibber was a Cheese Dancer. He thought he was real good too. He was a cocky Cheese Dancer. He judged other Cheese Dancers.

"These guys don't know the first rule of cheese dancing. Or the last!" he scoffed.

It was true that most people were laughable cheese dancers. Sometimes in his brain ball, despite his experience and knowledge Kibble would question whether he was really any good at Cheese Dancing. But for the rest of the world the evidence was in the eclair. Kibble Bibber chipped away at his craft, carving out a David of reputation. But Kibble Bibber did it for the love. Everyone knew there was no more money in Cheese Dancing. You either had to be Crust Kisser or a Sprinkle Tinkler, which to Kibble Bibber were all lame water perversions of Cheese Dancing.

One day Kibble Bibber stepped off the cheese platform. Moisture forming on his brow.
"Phew. Another Cheese Dance for the books." he said to himself.
"Mark that one on my memory wall." said Kibble to his Little Coach, which was the name for assistant in Cheese Dancing.
"Hey are you Kibble Bibber?" said a man.
"Don't be sewage, of course I am!" said Kibble.
"I'm Bongo Man."
"And? Say something of substance or I have to walk."
"Hey hey you wanna cheese dance at this cheese dancehall spreadhouse?" said the Bongo Man.

At first this sounded like a sudsy proposition.
"Uh, uh..." said Kibble Bibber
"We think you could do it real good."

But then it sounded like maybe something that could flow oranges.
"Uh, uh..." said Kibble.
"You want to let us know?" said Bongo Man.

Kibble was scared. Kibble didn't think the dancehall was that great. But then he thought maybe he just thought it wasn't that great because he was scared. And any dancehall was as good as the next as long as Kibble was Cheese Dancing to the best of his ability. So he said yes anyway. Bongo Man didn't really seem to know much about cheese dancing. It could be a place that Kibble Bibber could try some stuff out.

"This is going to be a walk on the cake." said Kibble Bibber to himself.

But then in the nights leading up to the dancehall spreadhouse cheese dance Kibble started to sweat. He started to soften. His glands began to get warm. He started to swim in thoughts. He got soggy eyed.

"Am I even any good at cheese dancing? Maybe I never was..." he thought. "Am I just cocky bravado and no cheese dance ability?" he thought some more. "Maybe though, that's all the cheese dancing is is cocky bravado." he reckoned. Then he thought "No no this is too difficult to bear, I ought to slop myself in the brain and say goodnight to life." And he was ounces away from doing it. Until he was saved by a thought. "Maybe I'll bravado my way through and if they catch me and freeze me then I'll slop myself in the brain and say good night to life."

So he didn't slop himself in the brain goodnight and they didn't catch and that was the secret to Cheese Dancing, which Kibble Bibber didn't share until he was a cemented legend, at 87 years old, in an interview about the craft of Cheese Dancing.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

The Evil Overlord Goes to the Mall

The Evil Overlord had a pointy little goatee!

"Mmm, ooh, hehehe I will rule the kingdom!!!" said The Evil Overlord, as he stroked his tiny little pointy goatee. His eye brows were pointy too. They pointed up so he looked very wizardy. They were extra black.

"Mmmehh heh heh! Soon all the goodies will be miiine!" he said.
"Yes master!" said his deformed assistant, who secretly rolled his eyes at the Evil Overlord.

The Evil Overlord and his assistant went to the shopping mall because The Evil Overlord wanted to go check out the spring line of shorts at the department store. The assistant hated it. It was so boring. The Evil Overlord had to touch every damn article of clothing. Why?

"Hmm... this could be good. This seems like it might fit me too." said The Evil Overlord. The deformed assistant waited patiently but wanted to kill himself.
"Excuse me, hun." said the Evil Overlord to the lady who worked at the department store.
"Yes?" she said.
"Do you have these in a size 34?" he said lifting up a pair of khaki shorts.
"Let me check." She said.

The deformed assistant was very annoyed because The Evil Overlord had like four pair of khaki shorts just like the ones he'd asked the girl to go check on. The Evil Overlord wound up buying more stuff. Afterwards they strolled the mall and a sassy stoner told The Evil Overlord that his pointy goatee looked stupid.

"What? No it looks cool." said The Evil Overlord.
"Nah it's like dumb and cheesy." said the sassy stoner.
"You don't know what you're talking about, I look menacing!" said The Evil Overlord.
"Your pointy eyebrows look dumb too."
"No. No they don't."
"Do you dye them?" said the sassy stoner.
"Uh..." said the Evil Overlord.
"There's just no way they are that black for how wrinkled your face is." said the sassy stoner.

The Evil Overlord went home and shaved his pointy goatee.
"You don't look very evil or menacing anymore." said the deformed assistant.

Janice and Flower Almost Become Friends

Janice and Flower were talking and having a great bond and becoming friends. They moved on the the subject of organization. Flower was color coordinated and had her top tucked into her skirt. Janice was a rag doll lady with a mop head of hair.

"I'm messy." said Janice.
"I'm clean." said Flower.
"Oh well that's great to know."
"I'm great at being clean."
"Fantastic." said Janice.

Flower looked very smug and proud.
"Did you think it was great to know because you think I am very interesting?"

That wasn't why Janice said it was great to know.
"Well sure. But I also thought it was great to know because maybe you could help me be clean some time."

Flower furrowed her clean brow and looked incredulous.
"What? Ew! No! I don't want to get near your messiness." said Flower.

Janice looked embarrassed. She realized she had only admitted to being messy because they had been having a vulnerable talk and Janice felt comfortable sharing personal information with Flower.

"I just think messy is so gross and that is really the main reason why I am so clean." said Flower.
"Ah. Well... yes. Makes sense." said Janice, clamming up.
"If I get near mess it just messes me up. It's why I am always clean and never messy."
"I just wanted some maybe tips or something."
"My tip is keep your messy away from me." said Janice.

Janice thought Flower was over reacting and being harshly judgmental after Janice had opened up to Flower. But Flower wanted Janice to close that open spot up. She just couldn't handle it.

"Let me tell you a secret." said Janice.
"Okay." said Flower.

Then Janice looked at the sun and got an intense beam of light into her face. She took a quick deep breath, squeezed her eyes shut, put her face in the secret whisper position and then expelled a harcore sneeze into Flower's ear.

Flower did not like it and their blooming friendship was over. But the revenge was sweet.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Luke Goes Fishin' in the Dating Pool

Luke was a slightly desperate happening guy who was playin' the dating field and he wanted to meet a sweet. He called up Peg.

"Peg! Babe, help me out, I'm lookin' for a babe!" said Luke.
"Hmmm let me think." said Peg.

Peg was Luke's friend, not a lady that Luke was after to go on a date with.

"Cmon you gotta think of someone!" said Luke.
"Luke what the heck, do I look like a dating service?!" said Peg.
"I just I just I just I just I'm so lonely!"
"Okay okay okay okay okay I can't stand to hear a guy be so pathetic give me a second to think."
"Okay think fast." said Luke.
"Say Luke, are you still into mermaids?" asked Peg.
"Oy say oh brother am I ever, pal." said Luke.

Luke had the hots for mermaids cuz he liked those fins and those shells and those flapper flippers. Luke thought it was sexy stuff. And could anyone refute him?! Anyway moving on...

"Okay so I think I know a gal who is part mermaid, you bring that dunce pal of yours Buzzo and we'll all go have a nice time this weekend." said Peg.
"Peg, you're a life saver."

Luke and Buzzo stood by the Corn Bar, a bar that served booze and corn, and waited outside for Peg and her part mermaid friend. On down the sidewalk came a strollin' Peg and the friend. They arrived.

"Heya Peg ya dress look priddy!" said Buzzo the dope.
"Hey Peg." said Luke.
"Hi guys," said Peg, "This is Pearl."
"Hi I'm Pearl." said Pearl.

Luke was silent for a moment. Pearl didn't look like a standard mermaid. She had legs. He should have been suspicious, mermaids can't walk to the Corn Bar. Pearl had legs because she was a reverse mermaid, with lady legs and a fish head. She was still pretty though and Luke was into her. Pearl was a reverse mermaid but she drank like a fish. They both got drunk and French kissed. Buzzo had a bowl haircut and ate a lot of bar nuts.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Library Barry Lives a Nightmare

Library Barry got to go to the library to take the time to read. Everything was perfect. The drone of the quiet was clouding the room. The occasional page turn and shuffle. The squishes of the sneakers pushing on the tight carpeting. It all worked and created great book reading harmony for Library Barry.

He took a deep approving sniff inhale through his nose. "Yes. Satisfactory environment." he thought to himself. He twinkled his fingers in the air. He shifted left and right in his chair to cozy his bunchy underwear into his seat until he found the perfect position. He chose a book among his pile. It was a period romance drama written in the 1970s but set in the 1770s, titled The Gentle Dandy of the Lady by Deeker Bunsingdom. Deeker Bunsingdom was an author Library Barry's competitive rival, Gertrude Rude, had casually mentioned in book club, and Library Barry nodded as if he knew Deeker Bunsingdom's work, even though he didn't, but he didn't want Gertrude Rude to have the upper hand on any of Library Barry's literary knowledge weak spots. Library Barry could not be topped, especially by the smugness of Gertrude Rude.

So Library Barry was all set, surroundings to perfection, to play catch up on Gertrude Rude, when then entering the picture was... The Smacker.

"Smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack..." said The Smacker.

Library Barry turned back toward the table to process what was unfolding behind him. It was The Smacker. The Smacker seemed to appear from nowhere. We could not hear The Smacker enter. There was no chair scoot or squeak when The Smacker sat, despite The Smacker's stringent girth. The Smacker had pit stains. The Smacker had sweat. The Smacker had fuzzy little hairs, many on his face. The Smacker took inconsistent breaths. The Smacker had somehow arrived with a stack of big paged old magazines. Many pages to thumb through. Much juice in his smack to keep the smacks from drying. They were not dry snickity smacks. They were wet clockity smacks for sure. Fresh. And loaded with more juicy smacks to come. And the pages. The magazine pages. They turned. They crinkled smooth, and slapped down hard, harmonizing with each smack to create a melody which screamed at Library Barry to not concentrate on the erotically dull prose of Deeker Bunsingdom.

Library Barry had no choice but to relocate to quarters deeper in the library. As he walked away The Smacker's smacks slowly muted, until Library Barry took what seemed to be the perfect seat, even more perfect than before. He claimed his throne and before his posterior could finish stretching the fibers of his oversized-underwear-holding denim, to press against the child safe plastic of the study seat, the smacking has resumed. Louder and closer than ever. It startled Library Barry. A boisterous "Gughh!" escaped his chest. Prompting a shameful barrage of a whole two shushes. "Shhh!" "Shh." Humiliation spread through Library Barry's head and neck like heat. Yet, why did The Smacker receive not a shush? Could the surrounding shushers not hear him?!

The smacking proceeded. Library Barry, being well read, was also resourceful. He wrapped his head in his dense wool scarf and buried his face in The Gentle Dandy of the Lady to block out what he could of the The Smacker's smacking. The smacking persisted. Was it only in Barry's head? Was this smack to taunt him? Was it even there? Among the many things Library Barry disliked were confrontation. But he appeared to have no other choice. It was time to request The Smacker smack less, or at a lower volume. Barry squeezed his eyes closed. He took a breath. The sounds of The Smacker seemed to double. He angled his face toward the sound of The Smacker. He lowered the book. He opened his eyes. And seated before him was The smacking Smacker. And next to The Smacker was a smiling and smacking Gertrude Rude.

Monday, July 13, 2015

The Disagreement Duo Day

Jogwood had a big bottom lip and people thought he had a bad attitude.

"You got bad tude, dude!" said Taco Jake.
"Taco you're cheesy!" said Jogwood who had affected crazy eyes look.
"Hey I don't buy your eyes!" said Taco Jake.

Jogwood dropped the act. 

Then Wipey the Janitor came out. "Hey, you dropped the act! Who gonna clean up all this phoniness not me!" said Wipey the Janitor.
"I knew it wasn't real, you piece of baloney phone!" said Taco Jake.

This made Jogwood go nutso like circus peanuts, which aren't real nuts, but his eyes got crazy-eyed again anyway, is what I'm saying. He picked up the act. "Thank you." said Wipey, but then he saw Jogwood's crazy eyes and thought they looked real. 

"Whoa this guy is out of control!" said Wipey. And Wipey ran off fast, leaving a stream of sledginess, like a snail. But from fast, instead of slow like a snail. Then he came back out and cleaned up his sledgy filmy mess with a mop. "Woops." said Wipey, then he saw Jogwood keeping up the act still and stayed scared more. "Thanks for picking up the phony mess." he said.

"You're welcome." said Jogwood, with his crazy eyes.
"I still don't buy it!" said Taco Jake.
"You're a cheeseball!" said Jogwood. Then Jogwood took out a cracker, a saltine, from his pocket, and put it on Taco Jake's head.
"This is for you it goes perfectly." said Jogwood.
"That's it I'm mad now." said Taco Jake.
"What you gonna do bout it, see a counsellor?" said Jogwood.
"No I'm gonna put on sunglasses." said Taco Jake.

Then Taco Jake did put on sunglasses and the moon came out. "Now I'm cool." said Taco Jake.
"I say you're cheese blend." said Jogwood.
"I guess one of us is actually oil and one is salad dressing, and we just don't go well together." said Taco Jake.
"Hey you guys those two things is hard to clean up maybe you two disagreers should split, eh? There ain't no lettuce round these parts." said Wipey.

Then they went their separate ways and didn't have to be friends and were cordial in future encounters because they were probably both in a bad mood or dealing with personal issues the day they had a disagreement.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Squeaky Clean Jerry's Dark Side

Squeaky Clean Jerry was polished and pretty and moralistic and handsome and you knew he had all this dark stuff going on underneath him. Everyone knew it. There was no proof but everyone knew. Squeaky Clean Jerry had money and spent on things that were nice for himself and nice for others.

"Hello and how are you today, my friend." said Squeaky Clean Jerry to the host at the nice restaurant.

Squeaky Clean Jerry had friends in high places and was nice to friends in low places. He was so nice. His hair was like a nice square box of regular white man haircut. When it was bright he wore his protective sunglasses. Squeaky Clean Jerry had a healthy work out regimen and a firm body.

Then one day Squeaky Clean Jerry was in the news! The news report was about how he was helping out with a construction of a veteran's hospital. Not about how he had a secret double life or anything. Nothing about anything wrong that he had done.

"That sure is nice of Squeaky Clean Jerry to help with that hospital and also donate money to building it." said people who read the paper and didn't know that he probably maybe had some dark stuff going on underneath in his life.

"Something is going to come out about Squeaky Clean Jerry any day now." said a Squeaky Clean Jerry naysayer.
"I bet he's a whipper, and a beater, and a sniffer. And he has rage eyes." said naysayer #2.

But a few years went by and nothing bad came out about Squeaky Clean Jerry. He had a few patches of grey settle into his head of box looking hair and stuff was going smoothly.

Then one day a crinkity prostitute walked up to Squeaky Clean Jerry's door and knocked on it. Squeaky Clean Jerry's pretty and handsome wife, who was wearing a nice dress, answered the door.

"Hellow Rhy yam mrooking fror Skreeky Kreen Zarry!!" said the crinkity prostitute.
"What are you looking for him for?" said the nice wife, who had previously been in the middle of filling out paperwork for some businessy thing she did, but now had a look of concern on her face.

Then the crinkity prostitute started coughing.
"Iye year eee yelppsh peeeble hoo neeed delp! Dat da whurd on da shreete." she said, when she finished coughing.
"That is true." said the nice wife.

Then Squeaky Clean Jerry put the crinkity prostitute in touch with a rehabilitation center that he worked with and she got cleaned up in many ways. Then more years went by and Squeaky Clean Jerry's dark depraved unsound side hadn't come out. Then Squeaky Clean Jerry died of natural causes. Maybe he never had a dark depraved side of any significance. It  was a pretty easy assertion to make though, because he was so squeaky clean. Guess he was just a nice guy though.

The Better Blue Gruesome Twosome

Renee was cold, icy and mysterious. Judith was cocky, but easily shaken in the confidence department.

"Hey." Judith.
"Hi." Renee.
"Your shirt is nice. I like the color blue." said Judith.
"Thanks, your eyes are blue." said Renee
"Thanks." said Judith.
"Why are you thanking me?" said Renee.
"Oh I guess I thought... nevermind." said Judith.

Judith darted her eyes away, embarrassed she tried to change the subject.

"This is a great sidewalk we are standing on." said Judith.
"You thought I was complimenting your eyes." said Renee.

Judith was busted. She did think that.

"Um, so what?! So what if I did?" said Judith.
"So nothing. It just means you are so into your eyes that you expected a compliment. You probably don't even like my blue shirt you just wanted me to talk about your eyes and saw the color blue as a great segue to talking about them." said Renee.

Renee was right again. Judith was busted again. Then Judith regained her composure and confidence.

"You know what bitch?! My beautiful blue eyes are the best! And yeah I wanna talk about them because they are a marvel. And your shirt pales in comparison to my beautiful oh so blue eyes." said Judith.

Then Renee who was a real tough bitch did the unexpected and ripped Judith's eyes out. Judith screamed and cried and also lost her confidence again.

Renee held Judith's eye balls and said "Now my shirt is prettier."
Then Renee crossed the state lines and started a new life. She was a loner and a rambler with nothing to lose anyway.

Friday, July 10, 2015

The Big Hollywood Tryout

Pete went to the big Hollywood tryout. He really wanted the role because if he got it that would mean he would be a star! He put some gel in his hair and wore cool button up leather jacket which had a nice collar that he could either flip up or put down. He brushed his teeth real good that morning so that his teeth would look white.

Pete walked up to the Hollywood tryout office. He had his acting role pages in his hands. He said the words to the part out loud to himself so he would know how to say them good.

"I love you, Maria. That's why I have to take your picture..." rehearsed Pete. Then Pete walked into the door of the tryout.

"Please write your name on the list of people trying out to be the star." said the fellow behind the desk at the tryout office.
"Okay I will. I am excited to try out, also a little nervous." said Pete.
"Don't be nervous I can tell you're going to do great. I heard you rehearse those words for the part outside." said the desk fellow.
"Thank you. I'm glad you liked my work." said Pete.

Then Pete sat. Then the tryout lady walked into the wait room. "Hi Pete let's come do your try out." she said. Then they walked in.

"Before we start the tryout I just want to say how nice it is to meet you. Please tell me where you are from." said the lady who ran the try outs.
"I am from up north and I came here because I love starring in things and I really wanted to do that. I think I could be a great star of Hollywood parts."
"Oh I like that." said the try out lady.
"And also I worked with a person you have heard of named Jimmy Hampton." said Pete.
"Oh I have heard of Jimmy Hampton, of course." said try out lady.
"Jimmy is a great guy. Such a kind giving soul. What a great heart he has, I was lucky to meet and work with him." said Pete.
"How tall are you and could I see you smile?" said the try out lady.
"I am five foot nine and here is my smile." said Pete, then Pete smiled.
"You have a great look." said the try out lady, "What else can you tell me about yourself that is interesting?"
"Well I love my dog who is such a sweetheart and my grandfather, who was in the navy and was just a great soul, died today. He was a tough man and a great character. I think of him when I am doing research for being interesting and a star of something." said Pete.
"You seem to have answered every question I asked great and you have said all of the right things. I am going to give you the Hollywood starring role."
"I won the try out?" said Pete.
"Yes you did. I really liked how you said Jimmy Hampton was a good guy. Jimmy Hampton is someone I know and you telling me that you also know Jimmy Hampton made me feel like we had common ground and it made you very relatable in a way that the Hollywood watching audience will also feel you are relatable." said try out lady.
"This is so cool and I am incredibly honored and humbled thank you for the part!" said Pete.
"You are welcome." said try out lady.

Then the try out lady gave Pete a convertible and Pete drove off in it and his hair blew in the wind even though it was gelled.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Puggo's Big Daily Challenge

Puggo worked a hard day at the factory and the office and the hot pizza oven. He had to alternate between them and they were short staffed too. That's right, it was a factory that made mechanical parts that were sold to mechanical companies, which Puggo had to research and delegate and negotiate and dispatch and dot tees and cross eyes for. They also sold very hot pizza which Puggo had to make dough for. He kneaded it! Needless to say it was an exhausting gig. Not exhausting enough though.

Ya see, Puggo was so tough and a hard ass worker. He had muscles out ta here. Buns firm as iron. Sweat like acid rain. Eyes like a 747. Knuckles like tree roots. Teeth that said "Grrr." But the job was the only time of the day where he felt he could be leisurely.

Once he got home was when the work really started. He was tough indeed but not tough enough. He enjoyed the work, he wasn't looking forward to going home. Because he knew when he went home had to go and fuck his goddamn wife.

Puggo walked down the street after work with Gulch. Gulch was yapping. Gulch was annoying.  Gulch talked and talked and talked. Puggo didn't mind. It was the easier part of his day.

"I found a piece of ham in my belly button once and I ate it and it tasted like any old ham just a little warmer is all, I think I'm clean so I wasn't worried about it and you know what I never got sick!" said Gulch.
"Mhm." said Puggo. Puggo just walked and let Gulch pump all that chatter into Puggo's head. This was still better than the part of the day where he had to go home and fuck his goddamn wife.

Then they stopped and heard a dark deathly cry. Puggo stood blocks from his house. He could hear it. It was his wife bellowing. He had to go and fuck her.

"Puggo you gotta get over here and fuck me!!!!!!" said Wifeo.
"Oh boy. This is by far the hardest part of my day." said Puggo to Gulch.
"Well feller, good luck." said Gulch.

Puggo caved. He turned to Gulch. This big Puggo of a guy started to whimper.

"Gulch. You gotta save me. I can't do it. I can't live my life like this no more. My wife, she's a grade A heggle-monster!"
"She's a heggle-monster?" said Gulch.
"Puuuggggooo!! I can smell you down the block!! Get over here and FUCK me!!!" said Wifeo.
"Please. Please hide me. Something... I... I... I can't!" cried Puggo.
"Buddy I got limited space and my own set of problems." said Gulch.

So Puggo went home and fucked his monster of a wife, just like the day before. Then he got up for work the next day and did the same thing.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

The Romantic Letter

Madolfo was writing a letter to his dear sweet sweet loved one Bajessica.

"Bajessica!" the letter read. "You are so neat. And remember the time we ate wax candy big funny lips together? I think we should do that more often. Like all the time. That was yesterday. I don't have much else to say. Hmm. What else can I say now?"

Madolfo stopped writing to think about what he could write to Bajessica. He closed his eyes and started moving his pencil on the paper.

"Bajessica did I mention I think you are pretty? I think girls like to hear they are pretty. I am writing now. Write, write, write, write, write! Here I am. Writing you this letter. I am wearing cool shorts. My grandmother gave them to me. Do you own shorts? They are great for hot weather. That's a silly question, of course you know about shorts."

Madolfo stopped because he had an itch on the back of his neck. He scratched it for a while. The scratch felt good.

"Hey Bajessica, ever scratch an itch so long that it feels real good but you wonder if you're doing damage? That just happened to me. Hmm I hope you aren't grossed out by that. Gosh I'm thinking too much for you instead of me. I need to try to focus on what I'm thinking and just be in the moment. That itch though, let me tell you more about it." 

Madolfo stopped again and thought maybe it was a bad idea to talk about his itches so much in his letter. Then he looked down at the paper, because he'd had his eyes closed, and saw that most of the letter hadn't been written because his pencil point broke.

"Oh shoot!" said Madolfo. Madolfo got up to walk across the room to sharpen his pencil at the pencil sharpener.

"There's that pencil sharpener!" he said, as he looked at it from across the room. Then he started to walk. He took a step forward. "Hey this step is fun!" he said. Then he took another step. "That step was just as fun!" Then he took more steps. "These are great steps!" Then he thought about how in the moment he was and he loved it "Ha! This is so fun I love now, now is a great time!" he said. "Hey I think I'll scrap that stuff I was going to write to Bajessica about itches and write about how interesting this walk across the room is!" he said.

Then Madolfo got to his pencil sharpener. He put the pencil in and started sharpening it. It was a manual one. Then he glanced over and saw that he had an electric sharpener. "Oh I've got to use that instead. It will be much more fun." Then he stuck his pencil in and sharpened it. It was so satisfying to him. "It's like sex! He he he." he joked to himself. Then he got self conscious. "That was a dirty joke. Maybe I shouldn't make such jokes. But they are fun sometimes, he he." Then his pencil was sharp and he finished his letter and got another hot date with Bajessica and she even paid for dinner.

The Pizza Pouch

"Now I need to put things in my mouth!" said Gerwin Crub.

Gerwin sat on his couch which had many piles of many clothes, clean and dirty. "I don't know how those got there." he said in his mind many times when he looked at the piles. But this time the thing on his mind was the things that needed to go in his mouth.

"I should put a Pizza Pouch in my mouth." said Gerwin.

Gerwin sat there more. He thought about the ways to get the Pizza Pouch in his mouth. He'd need a process. A plan. His t-shirt was tight. His belly bulged through it. The tight t-shirt rode up his belly exposing part of it. Gerwin had hairs on his belly. An ant crawled through the hairs and Gerwin didn't notice. He plotted his plan and planned his plot...

"First I will get up. Then I will walk to the freezer. Then I will open it and pull out the remaining Pizza Pouch. Then I will put it in the microwave oven. Then it will cook. Then I will eat it." said Gerwin.

Gerwin got up and enacted his plan. Though there was a hitch. The microwave wasn't plugged and so it wouldn't work. He had unplugged it when he was looking for the scissors, which had fallen behind the microwave, the day before because he had a toenail issue. Today the thought of bending over and plugging in the microwave was very difficult. So this posed a problem for Gerwin.

"Well I guess the microwave is ruined." he said.

Right next to the microwave was the oven. "Hey that gets hot!" said Gerwin. But then he thought about it and gritted his teeth and clenched his chunky fist. "This will take longer." he said. But what choice did he have? So he tossed his Pizza Pouch in the oven. Five minutes seemed like a reasonable cook time.

The outside of the Pizza Pouch got all brown and black and toasted. The inside stayed mostly frozen, except for some corners which had some melty cheese bubbles. Gerwin ate the Pizza Pouch anyway.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

The Team Saves the Hood

Yarbis the rich guy was so glad to have all his money!
"Phew I'm always relieved that's not something I have to worry about!"

Pockfaced Gunther had a great handshake and a greater punch in a fight.
"Watch me knock a guy out!" he said.

Filthy Wilma loved Pickles.
"I like them salty juices!" she declared.

Frank the Bank was the toughie who knew how fix car engines and he had a ton of money.
"I smell horsepower!" he cackled.

Junior Wizzy was a computer whiz.
"I'm great at backing people up and I make sure I'm always backed up!" he said.

They were the perfect team to heist the flower shop, which was owned by the bad guy, Owen Doogus, on the block, and Owen Doogus was a slumlord and he let his flowers die.

The gang was gonna heist him because they heard that's where he kept his business contracts and secret plans to get rid of all the people living in the neighborhood. They were gonna save the flowers too. They all convened and devised their plan.

It would go into effect Sunday night. Filthy Wilma would distract Owen Doogus as he was leaving. Pockfaced Gunther would pick the lock. Junior Wizzy would hack into the computer and download all his files and plans. Frank the Bank would drive the getaway car. And if all else failed Yarbis the rich guy would just buy all the property from Owen Doogus, and Frank the Bank would also contribute, as he had a bit of money himself.

Wilma waited for Owen to exit his place. He did.

"Hey Sugar I like to dance!" said Wilma.
"Eh?!" said Owen.

Then Wilma started going into dry heaves. The gang aborted the initial plan and Yarbis called the next day and negotiated to take over the properties in the neighborhood from Owen. Owen agreed. Then Yarbis still wound up turning over the neighborhood and kicking everyone out of their reasonably priced homes. He was an asshole I guess.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Dazzle Doo and Sneaky Tee

Dazzle Doo walked up to Sneaky Tee.

"Hey honey dunny don't you wanna see a show? I'll give ya a kiss and I'll give ya a shove and I'll do a little diddle and I'll spin around town! Whoo!" said Dazzle Doo then he shimmied and shook and spun around.

Then Sneaky Tee looked to the left and looked to the right and pointed in a direction to the side of them both directing Dazzle Doo's attention over to it. It was a feller on a little bicycle. It seemed like it was going to be interesting but it wasn't very interesting at all actually. When Dazzle Doo turned his head back to Sneaky Tee. Sneaky Tee was gone.

Sneaky Tee had tinker toodled over to the corner to hide and be sneaky.
"I ticklety tuckered and now you're dicklety duckered!" said Sneaky Tee.
"Ooh ooh ooh, you you you, I'll get a dazzle on you." said Dazzle Doo.
"Nee nee nee." said Sneaky Tee.
"You can't sneak on me. I'll get a dazzle on you."

Then Dazzle Doo whisked his hips over the Sneaky Tee's hiding corner. Dazzle Doo was wearing a sequin tight and star-shaped sunglasses. He flapped his wrists and shimmied his bottom.

"This is what I do to my friends and enemies!" said Dazzle Doo, "So shame on you, and you're welcome!" Dazzle continued.

Then Dazzle Doo did a dazzle dance to match all dazzle dances. it lit up the corner and he glowed. Everyone walked by and had an "aaaah" expression on there face. Dazzle did it up for the ages. When Dazzle was done he stuck his landing and there would be no deniability that Dazzle Doo was the number one dazzler.

But Dazzle Doo turned to Sneaky Tee and Sneaky Tee was gone. Sneaky Tee had gone to the Dizzlecorp where Dazzle Doo was a Dozzle Analyzer and convinced the CEO that the best person for that job would be Sneaky Tee. Sneaky Tee did it by describing the spectacular dazzle dance that Dazzle Doo had just done.

"Sounds like it'd perfect for us. You're great in the room." said the CEO. Sneaky Tee was good in the room.

Dazzle Doo was out of a job and Sneaky Tee was very sneaky. From that point forward in life Dazzle Doo had to then figure out what to do with his dazzles.

The Chippy and Jean Story

Chippy was a dude with creaky knees. Jean was a broad with noisy hair. When Chippy walked he creaked from down the street. As a teen he streaked into the creek. He screamed when he streaked and his knees creaked. The neighbors heard the screams and creaks and looked out the windows to get a peek. That was the point. Chippy needed oil for his joints. He got ticks in the creek. He was just a teen. As an adult his knees still creaked like they did when he was a teen. Anyway back to Jean.

Jean walked around and the wind blew in her hair. It ruffled and was loud. She liked it she was proud.  Jean also chewed on foil and sipped on oil. "I heard oil is good for your organs." she said. She also chewed on pencils with lead. "I hear lead is bad for your head." It was a bad habit. "I chew on pencils, no joke." at least she didn't smoke. Why was Jean's hair so noisy? Because it was coarse, of course.

Chippy met Jean at the produce section at the 7-Eleven.

"I'm just shopping for bananas."
"I'm just shopping for an orange."
"I heard you from over there." said Chippy.
"I heard you from over there." said Jean.
"You're noisy." said Chippy.
"You're noisy." said Jean.
"Why are you so noisy?" said Chippy.
"You're nosy." said Jean.
"Is it a sensitive subject?" asked Chippy.
"No I'm just tired of talking about it. It's always the thing people talk about right away."
"Hey my thing that people talk about is always the thing people talk about right away too."
"I guess people aren't that smart or interesting themselves and don't know how to talk about anything beyond what's there and obvious." said Jean.
"Hey! I was just about that say that exact thing!" said Chippy.

Then they had a real connection for a second. Then they kept talking and finding mutual connections. Then they figured out they both knew this person name Donna who they both agreed was a phony and acted like she was more interesting than she was.

Then they fell in love pretty hard and had this intense connection then they were too similar to each other and had to separate because they couldn't function well with one another, but at least they got to experience what acceptance of their strange squeaky and noisy traits felt like so they were sort of able to go forward in the world with limited self consciousness about them.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Squeakhead Joe

Squeakhead Joe walked. He kept walking and closed his eyes on accident then he ran into a street sign. His head made a squeak noise.

"Whoops!" he said. That was a goof on his part.

Then he walked and bumped his head on a tree branch because he was thinking about something silly. Like a time when a person made an insult at him and he didn't know what to say. He was fantasizing about good comebacks he could have made. While he was thinking up good comebacks he whacked his head on that tree branch. His head made a squeak noise again.

A fella named Howie was walking his dog Buffo and Buffo heard the squeak noise from Squeakhead hitting his head and Buffo was like "Roo?!" cuz he wanted that squeak, but Howie was like "Cmon, Buffo."

Next Squeakhead walked to his ex girlfriend Lula's house. They were fighting a lot lately, because they should have taken more space from each other when they split a year ago but they decided they could be mature and keep talking all the time. Subsequently that caused more tension and they fought a lot. So Squeakhead Joe went to Lula's house and knocked on her door.

"I was thinkin' we should talk about your feelings and mine some more!" said Squeakhead Joe.
"I think not now!" said Lula behind the door.
"Why not now??"
"Just cuz." said Lula.
"Is there someone in there?" said Squeakhead Joe.
"You should go!"
"Who else is in there?" said Squeakhead Joe.
"I'm my own woman and what I do is my business, beat it!" said Lula.

Then Squeakhead Joe started trying to push the door open. He pried it open a little and it was Lula's new fella Knuckleface. Knuckleface punched people with his face, so you better watch out for him. He was calm though.

"Squeakhead I think you oughtta go." said Knuckleface.
"Don't tell me what to do."
"You been drainkin?' asked Knuckleface.

He had.

"Let me in. Me and Lula are best friends." said Squeakhead making an embarrassment of himself. Knuckleface tried to close the door but Squeakhead put his head in the door to stop it and Knuckleface kept trying to close it and it kept making squeak noises. Dogs from the neighborhood came running toward the squeak noise.

Knuckleface never had to do any punching with his face, but just so you know, he could. So imagine that, it probably looked cool to see him do it.

Squeakhead got driven home and passed out on his depressed couch.
"Mope." said the couch.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Jake Eats at a Diner

Jake Pelfor was hungry. He drove to the diner where they served food to people. He parked in the parking lot of the diner. The parking was free. Not too shabby, so far.

Jake Pelfor opened the door and saw the sign that said Please seat yourself. So he did. He grabbed a menu. As he was walking toward the table of his choice he noticed the eyes of the person behind the counter. He played dumb as if he wasn't totally certain what to do.

"Can we just sit anywhere?" he asked. Even though Jake was able to read the sign perfectly.
"Yes, just sit anywhere." said the person behind the counter.
"Oh okay thanks." said Jake Pelfor. Then he sat.

The waiter walked up to the table. "Hello I'm the waiter." said the waiter.
"Hello I'm Jake Pelfor."
"What kind of thing can I do to help you?"
"Uhhhm." said Jake, as he looked down at the food options on the menu.

Alongside all the food options on the menu were prices of the food options. That was when it hit Jake. He had left his wallet in his car.

"Uh oh. I just realize I left my wallet in my car. Do you mind if I run to the car real quick to grab the wallet so that I'll be able to pay for the food I plan to order?" said Jake Pelfor.
"That sounds good." said the waiter.
"Can you make sure no one takes this good table?" said Jake.
"Yes." said the waiter.

Jake got up and put the menu down. He went outside to his car and then he realized he had left his keys inside the diner. "Oh no, this is all I need." said Jake. Jake ran back into the diner. Some of the more inconvenient scenarios of what would happen were playing out in his head. Like what if his keys were gone? Missing? Stolen? He'd have to make a big long inconvenient search. He devised a plan. To first ask if any keys had turned up.

He walked in and went straight to the front counter. There was a different person there than before.
"Hello I'm Jake Pelfor." said Jake, because it was a different person than before, "There was a different person here before, I was here just a second ago, but I left my wallet in my car and I went to go get it, but then I left my keys in here. Did any keys turn up?" said Jake. He over explained when he was nervous or hungry.
"Yes here they are." said the person behind the counter.

Jake was relieved. Then he went and ordered a salad off the menu. It seemed like a healthier choice, even though the tuna melt sounded good and reliable. He had the salad. It was sure a little adventure that happened in that diner.