Thursday, April 30, 2015

Martha's Tight Pants

Martha had on tight pants and Ploodo was driving by in his car.

"Oh dang that looks like Martha, wow! Look at those tight pants it's like she don't got no pants on." said Ploodo.

Then Ploodo wasn't looking and crashed his car into Fernando's car. Fernando got out of his car. He was mad.

"Damnit! Ploodo what were you thinking? You hit my car and could have killed something." said Fernando.
"I couldn't help it. Look Martha has tight pants." said Ploodo.
"Oh no, wow!" said Fernando.

Then Fernando became transfixed by Martha's tight pants. Then Fernando's car rolled away. Then it hit a hot dog stand and hot dogs went flying everywhere high into the sky. It looked like it was raining hot dogs.

The hot dogs went so high that one of them landed in Soggy Susie's taco that she'd purchased from the adjacent taco stand. She was about to take a bite of it then a hot dog landed in it.

"Hey! I ordered taco not hot dog taco! I'm not gonna pay now." said Soggy Susie.
"You gotta pay cuz I gave you what you asked for!" said taco stand guy.
"No!" said Susie.

Then the hot dog stand rolled and hit the taco stand. Then the taco stand guy was like hey I don't want this hot dog stand! But the taco stand was rolling away too and he chased it.

"Come back!" he said.

It was a small town so everyone knew each other and had slept with each other when they were younger. Then the Mayor Boss showed up.

"Hey this is cuckoo, who is gonna stop this madness stuff and do that right thing?"
"It's not my fault!" said everyone, but Martha, as stuff was rolling away and crashing into stuff.

Then everyone turned and looked at Martha with her tight pants.

"Martha it's all your fault!" said everyone.
"Sorry I like my butt guys!" said Martha, as she winked.
"Awww too bad, but she's right." said the Mayor Boss.

And Martha winked and walked away in her tight pants.

The Unseen British Spy

Secret Agent Spy Byron Spat stood on his toes, anxious to find a way to rescue beautiful Chinese Swede seductress Ingrid Ching from Dutch Albino evil mastermind French Princess's diamond thief Guppo.

"Guppo, give it up, old chap, you'll never win. Let the girl go and give up the French Princess diamond." said Agent Byron Spat in his very British accent.
"You vill die und she vill die und dah di-mund vill be mein!" said Guppo, as he held a knife to Ingrid Ching's neck.
"Ooh plee dohn hur me, ja!" said Ingrid Ching.

Byron Spat had to think fast. He was sure in a pinch. He was standing by a bright lamp though. And Albinos have sensitive eyes. 

"Okay Guppo, you win this time with the diamond and the girl. I'll give up and go back to the British government and tell them that I couldn't help them or their friends the French." said Agent Spat.
"Perfect. I knew you would see it my w--"

Just then Byron grabbed that lamp he was standing by and SHINED it in Guppo's face.

"--Ouch my eyes! Too bright!" Guppo screamed. 

Then Guppo put his hands to his eyes, dropping the blade. Agent Spat was able to punch him out, save the girl, and get the code from his pocket to the safe where the diamonds were.

Agent Spat had done it again.
"Wow you save me." said Ingrid Ching.

Spat and Ching had a fling. And then Ching went on her way. They stayed in touch a little but Agent Byron Spat was a spy. He kept a low profile. He was rarely able to maintain personal friendships, much less a romantic long distance international relationship. Being a spy was a lonely profession.

Boy did Agent Spat know that more than anyone else. 
"Good show, Agent Spat. Try not to kill anyone!" said his headquarters guy. Then he realized the mission was over.
"Oh, I meant good job minimizing casualties..." he continued.
"Thanks." said Byron.

Byron stood there and cleared his throat.
"Do you... maybe want to go to the pub, grab a drink?" said Byron.
"Oh no, sorry. I have to be home for dinner." said the headquarters guy.
"Right, right. Of course."

Byron Spat strolled the streets of London, alone with no assignment. Occasionally rehearsing clever things he'd hope to get to say, maybe to a bad guy. It was a rough lonely job. He questioned why he did it.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Wackhouse Clackhouse

The Clown entertained.

"Boo! Hehehe!" said the Clown.
"Oh no I'm scared of clowns." said Sassy Sherry.
"You scare of clown, babe? How bou I protec you?" says Yislack, with the hairy chest.
"You're too brown!" said Sassy Sherry.
"Baby you don't like the brown, man?" said Yislack.
"Goo-hoo-hoo, you don't like the brown man and you don't like the Blue, and Yellow, and Red, and White man either!" said the Clown, pointing to his face.
"Ha ha ha, I think Clown is funny, baby!" said Yislack.
"You guys can all shut up, I'm gonna go eat some dark chocolate!" said Sassy Sherry.

Then she walked away and hit a wall and fell down. Because she had her eyes closed because she was daydreaming about how great she thought she looked walking away.

"Ha ha ha you are a better clown that me!" said the Clown.
"Oh no, now I'm a clown?" said Sassy Sherry.
"Yes baby, you make a me laugh baby!" said Yislack.
"Oh no, now I'm scared of myself!" said Sassy Sherry.
"Baby want me to protec you still?" said Yislack.
"But my chest real hairy!" said Yislack.

Then Yislack ripped open his shirt. His chest was covered in very black hair and lots of it.
"Uht oh I need to call a guy who do yardwork!" said Yislack.

Then he called up his buddy Hedro who does yardwork and Hedro came over with a tiny lawn mower and mowed Yislack's chest. Sassy Sherry turned out to be a lizard woman because she hissed at the lawnmower and that's what lizards do. Then she slithered under the door.

"Who need that type of women, am is right?" ask Yislack.
"We are buddies!" said Hedro the yardguy.
"Honk!" said the Clown.

Then they all got real drunk and cuddled in bed together.

June the Toothgrinder

June grinded her teeth too much. She did it when she was nervous and she did it when she slept. She slept nervous. She went to the dentist, she prescribed a mouthguard. But she was one of those shyster dentists, (Did you notice how I said she was a shyster dentist? That's right, ladies can be shyster dentists too, though you'd be right in thinking that shyster dentists are more often men), anyway so the mouthguard Dr. Kylie Sherbluda prescribed was way too much money for June. So June didn't get her mouthguard.

"Isn't there a cheaper mouthguard?" asked June.
"Oh no no no no, you're gonna want the good mouthguard, or your mouth won't be guarded as well." said Dr. Sherbluda.

Dr. Sherbluda was taking payola from the mouthguard company to shill these expensive mouthguards on the poor nervous patients. Who was there to stick up for nervous patients rights? No one. Sad bleak world. Very bleak.

So bleak that June went and grinded her teeth more. She grinded them down to grits. Then June went back to the bad lady dentist.

"My teeth are grits because I'm still nervous."
"I can build you new teeth." said Dr. Sherbluda.
"Okay please do."
"It'll cost ya." said Dr. Sherbluda.
"Eh... I guess it's worth it." she June.

Dr. Sherbluda gave June a new big set of big big teeth. They were very horselike. June was still nervous even though those big teeth made her look confident. June was a car salesperson and she sold more cars at work.

"Thish babee will drahve all day and chruise zh'all neeight." she said, trying hard to wrap her mouth around the words she spoke.

But she kept staying nervous and grinding her teeth, eventually she grinded those big fake horseteeth back down to normal size. Then she bought the expensive mouthguard. Dr. Sherbluda won that round. Such is life.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Bald Billy Tale

Bald Billy walked around being bald.

"Hey you're BALD heheheh!" said Hairhead Eddie.
"I know I'm bald leave me alone about it, I don't wanna be bald I just am!" said Bald Billy
"Ha ha yeah like your name should be Baldy!" said Hairhead Eddie.
"Hey I just told you don't say stuff like that because I don't like it and wish I weren't bald."
"Well I'm lucky I got hair!" said Hairhead Eddie.

Then a robber with a hood and mask came up with a gun and a knife.

"Hi I'm a bad guy freeze and gimme your hair!" said robber.
"Uh oh!" said Bald Billy and Hairhead Eddie.
"You know who I'm talkin' to! I'm talkin the one with the HAIR! Now give it!" said the robber.
"Uh oh I'm scared. But at least he isn't trying to rob me, I got no head hair." said Bald Billy.
"Uh oh I'm scared too." said Hairhead Eddie.

The robber put the knife forward and said "Start cuttin'!"

"Oh no again, I'm even scareder than a second ago." said Hairhead Eddie.

Then Hairhead Eddie stopped and thought for a second. He remembered that all his hair on his head made him confident. So he got real confident.

"Hey wait a sec." said Eddie.
"Huh?" said robber, surprised.
"You want my hair cuz you're a baldo aren't ya?" said Eddie.
"!" said robber.
"If you're so not bald, then take your hood mask off and prove it!"
"No!" said robber.
"You're a bald scaredo baldo! I know it!" said Eddie.
"No no I'm not, fine I'll prove it." said robber.
"I'm still scared." said Bald Billy.

Then robber took his hood off and he had hair but he also had the same face as the local bad guy cop Jerry Copguy, because it was Jerry Copguy!

"Jerry Copguy!" said Billy and Eddie!
"Oh no I showed my face." said Jerry Copguy.
"You're in bad cop trouble now!" they said.

Jerry Copguy went to jail and became no more a cop.

"Wow Eddie, I thought you were a jerk but your jerkness actually saved the day." said Bald Billy.
"You're still a bald baldy, hehehah!" said Hairhead Eddie.

Bald Billy was sad about it and how Eddie was a jerk. He just had to learn to deal with it.

Grace the Troublemaker

Grace impulse bought a dress. She got it home and it was too baggy for her.

"Hey who wants this dress it's real baggy, who here likes baggy?" she said to all her lady friends who wore dresses.
"I want baggy!" said Marcie.
"I want baggy more!" said Harriet.
"Guess you two gotta fight to the death." said Grace.

Marcie and Harriet duked it out for the baggy dress. It was bloody and gross. Spatter spattered all over staining the dresses they were wearing. They were required to wear dresses. Just as Harriet was about to make the fatal blow to Marcie's face, the FBI showed up.

"You're coming with us ladies." said the FBI.

But they weren't coming with the FBI because they were in trouble. They were coming with the FBI for safety. See, Grace was a cult leader who was very influential on these ladies and she had tremendous power and sway. When she said fight to the death they felt they had to. She also had a cult rule that they had to wear dresses, that's why they were fighting over who wore the baggy dress.

FBI had been monitoring the cult for a while. Then some documentarians came and started filming for a big documentary that would air years later and cause everyone to talk about their opinions of the cult.

Grace was gonna go to juvenile hall. Grace's dad showed up.

"Grace you been bad girl!" said Grace's dad. He didn't speak English very well because he only spoke Japanese, even though he was born in Nebraska, but he was part of a Nebraska public schools Japanese immersion program as a child, and his parents died so he got stuck in the immersion program and forgot English. So his English never really grew in.

Grace was only 17 when all this crazy cult stuff was happening. Dad was disappointed. He grounded her. He was also a lawyer for Japanese businessmen in Japan. He had to fly to Japan a lot for cases. But he was so good he was able to convince Japan to try his daughter's case there. He was that good. She didn't get in any trouble because of him.

She outgrew her cult leader phase and got real into playing clarinet and dating. Then she also took up sculpture as a hobby.

"Look I sculpted a bird." she said.
"I see a spiked boot." said her friend.
"It's not abstract. It's a bird." she said.
"Ha ha ha." said her sculpture buddies.

Then the documentary about Grace's cult came out people became mad at her and she was mad people were mad then she started a new cult, which I am a member of and it's really great and not bad at all and I've never been happier I finally have a place where I belong and a place to believe in please read the literature and understand how your connection to your finances is controlling you and everything you love please come to me and us join us now.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Spaceman Babe Hunt

The Spaceman came to Earth and was sniffing around for babes.
"Must find hot babes." said the Spaceman.

A babe in a skirt walked by. A babe in overalls walked by. A babe workin' construction walked by. A babe with a big face walked by. A babe with big feet walked by. A babe with tiny hands and long elbows walked by. A babe with long long armpit hair walked by.

This was Spaceman's favorite, the armpit hair one.

"He found one." said his Spaceman coworkers in the ship the Spaceman came from. They could see everything the Spaceman could, out of his helmet.
"I found you, babe." he said to a babe.
"Yo, who me?" said the armpit hair babe.
"Yep." he said.

All the Spacemen in the ship cheered because they would be able to eat her long armpit hair. The Spaceman transported the two of them to his ship. The Spacemen explained they wanted to eat her armpit hair.

"No, you can't have it." said the armpit hair babe.
"Awww man, now what?" said the Spacemen.
"Now you gotta take me home."
"Didn't you think we had some good chemistry though?" said the main Spaceman who found her.
"I'm out of your league, I'll be honest. I get all kinds of folks chasing me and I'm naturally someone who has a magnetic chemistry with lots of people." said armpit hair babe.
"Hey, you can't fault me for being excited by you then."
"It's true."

Armpit babe got dropped off on Earth. A meathead dude walked by.
"Ew cut your pit hair, babe!" said the meathead dude.

Then the Spaceman zapped him and he turned into cream.
"Aw no you didn't have to do that." said armpit hair babe.
"I did it so you'd remember me." said Spaceman.
"Aw that's sweet." said armpit hair.
"Yeah, I'll miss you." said Spaceman.

Then armpit hair went and shoplifted some scarves and gloves. She was an Aquarius, so...

Friday, April 24, 2015

The Big Gun Outreach

Young Rico had the gun. He pointed it in Vince's direction.

"You see this?" he said. "Now I have the power."
"Oh, you think you're a big man, eh?" said Vince.
"Yeah I'm tha one with the power!"

Then Vince made a big powerful speech about how a gun doesn't make the man but the man makes the man. And how Rico should see how powerful he can be without the gun, because the human spirit is really a wonderful thing.

Then Rico said "Shut up! This gun is why people respect me."

Then Vince made another big speech about how that's not respect, that's fear. Then Rico was like "I want to be feared, because when I walk in the room everyone fears me and that's a good thing!"

Then Vince made another passionate speech about how being feared is not actually a good thing because you are actually the one having to look over your shoulder most if you're feared. And he talked about how Rico was going to have to go everywhere wondering whether he was safe, just because he wanted to be feared. This speech was slightly long winded, but once it came around to the big major point it was pretty powerful.

Vince took a step closer to Rico.
"Don't come any closer!" said Rico.

Then Vince made yet another big powerful speech about how when you tell people to not come closer it's because you are running away from what you're scared of and you don't want your problems to chase you. This speech was kind of true but also came off like a bit of a stretch. Vince's speeches were running thin and he was trying hard to think of things to make speeches about at this point. Luckily Rico was ready to crack and the speech was just powerful enough to make Rico cry. Then Rico called his mom and said he wanted to be rehabilitated and get rid of his guns.

Vince was relieved and he felt confident in his community outreach abilities.

Then Rico start rappin'

You think you got it made, well try my lemonade,
I'm gonna refresh you, if I sneeze say god bless you.
Gimme a tissue, then you will wish you,
Were wipin' my nose, and wearin' my clothes.

He wasn't great, but he was trying hard.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Big Guido the Ball Player

Big Guido the Ball Player went up to bat at the game and he was all psyched because he was cocky. Then he struck out.

"Eh this pitcher sucks." he said.
"The pitcher was good he struck you out." said Chahhley.
"No he wasn't no good." said Guido.
"Maybe you just no good at swingin'!" said Chahhhley.
"Ahh shattap." said Big Guido.

Big Guido was beat. He went home and looked in the mirror with his typical cocky expression. Then the expression morphed into disappointment.

"You're a los-ah!" said Guido.

Guido could only think in broad strokes, in black and white. He couldn't see the grey area, so he was very troubled. His dad was a black and white no grey area type of dad.

"Did you win or lose today?" dad would say when Guido came home.
"I lost."
"Then you're a los-ah!" said dad.
"Aw man." said Little Guido.

Another day Guido would come home as a kid.

"Did you win or lose?"
"I won." said Guido.
"My boy's a winna!" said dad.

Dad walked around telling everyone in the hood Guido's a winner. So that put a lot of pressure on Guido to keep winning. Dad was just trying to be proud though and he had that black and white type thinking, as I was mentioning before. But all the pumping up and bragging Guido's dad did made it difficult for Guido to grow. If he was always a winner he had no where to go but down.

"Boy, dat Guido's a loser." said the neighborhood when Guido would do grey area decent.

So Guido sat in bathroom looking in the mirror telling himself he's a loser. He started crying. Sobbing. He was comparing himself to people he saw as winners, cursing himself for not being winners like them.

Then his Fairy-God-Liberal-Self-Help-Mother appeared.
"What troubles you Guido?" she said.
"I'm a los-ahhh." said Guido.
"Have you tried therapy?" she said.
"What's 'at?" said Guido.
"Here, take this pamphlet I think it could help you." she said, handing him a pamphlet about cheap and easy places to get help with problems like Guido had.

Guido took it and gave it a read, he thought about trying it out.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Joey Vs. Tommy

Joey punched Tommy. Tommy punched Joey. Joey's nose bled. Joey punched Tommy. Tommy's eye hurt. Tommy punched Joey. Joey's lip split. Tommy punched Joey. Joey's tooth broke. Joey punched Tommy. Joey missed. Tommy stepped back. Joey took a swing. Joey missed Tommy. Tommy punched Joey. Joey drooled blood. Tommy stepped back.

"Hey watch the shoes." said Tommy.

Joey swung at Tommy. Joey missed Tommy. Tommy circled Joey. Tommy kicked Joey.

"Ooph." said Joey. Joey fell down. Tommy kicked Joey.
"Oh!" said Joey.

Now you may be thinking "Oh, poor Joey, Tommy beating the krap out of him." But what I didn't tell you is that Joey is a real jerk. He put his finger in a lady's burger one time at an out door restaurant. And he didn't ever know the lady. And he didn't even apologize. He just did it because he thought he could get away with it. He walked away. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Joey also pulled girls' hair as a kid, but so does everyone so don't factor that into your opinion of Joey, maybe he was having a hard time at home with his parents or something. But Joey also stole. So you know he wasn't a great guy. He was getting a beating.

Tommy bent over and pulled Joey's hair. I wonder if it reminded Joey of the hair pulling that occurred when Joey was a youth. Joey flattened his hand to balance his body so he couldn't. Tommy stamped on Joey's hand. You're probably starting to think this is getting excessive. But Joey also put his poor grandmother through stressful times toward the end of her life.

"Grandma gimme some money, you ain't gonna use it, you're runnin' outta time!" he'd say. That isn't a nice thing to say to your grandmother, right? Right? Yeah I thought so. We hate Joey. Good.

So Tommy kept kicking him and pulling on his hair. Finally Joey managed to pull himself up and get a second wind. Uh oh. Not bad boy Joey. He did though. He mustered all the strength he had and wound up a punch and whap! He socked Tommy in the face.

"Ouch!" said Joey, though. Joey hurt his fist on Tommy.

Tommy smiled. He had wires inside his mouth. Not like braces wires. Like electrical wires. You know why? Because Tommy was inhuman. He was an android. A manbot. He wasn't real. That explains why he was beating up Joey, an otherwise tough guy. Now I wish Joey had been the winner. Joey was an imperfect human, like all humans. Computers beat humanity that day.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Broken Plans

Rick and Connie had plans tonight. Rick walked into Connie's house, excited and all done up. Connie didn't seem ready yet.

"Hey Babe." said Rick to his girlfriend Connie.
"Hi hun." said Connie.

Connie was tidying up her place.

"I'm super excited for tonight." said Rick.
"Oh, about that..." said Connie.
"About what?"
"The plans."
"Yeah?" said Rick, concerned.
"I'm just feeling kind of tired." said Connie.

A look of confusion came over Rick.

"But I thought we were gonna go throw up on everything we saw." he said.
"I just have had a long week." said Connie.
"You always have long weeks."
"Well, you can still go throw up on everything you see, I'm just feeling a bit tired is all." said Connie.

Rick was at a loss for words.

"...I was really looking forward to throwing up on everything together." said Rick.
"I'll throw up with you another time."
"I can't remember the last time we went and threw up on everything." said Rick.
"We still do." said Connie.
"No we don't. Not like we used to." said Rick.
"Fine. Fine, we can go throw up on everything." said Connie.
"No. I don't want to like drag you along to throw up on stuff. I want you to want to throw up on stuff."
"I do, just not tonight." said Connie.
"You always say that and it just makes me feel like when?" said Rick.

Rick walked to the other side of the room and put his hands on his hips.

"I don't think you even like throwing up on everything you see. Or is it me? You just don't want to throw up with me." said Rick, looking to the ground.
"No, it's not you, but you don't respect how busy my schedule has been. All you seem to like to do is throw up on things."
"We don't even throw up on each other anymore." said Rick.

This one cut deep to Connie. 

"I'm sorry," she said, "maybe we ought to have a serious talk."

Monday, April 20, 2015

An Underdog Story for Daniel

Hey Daniel. Remember that time you were passive aggressive toward me, and I confronted you and asked you if you had a problem with me and you said you didn't? Then you were even nice to me and I confided all that personal information about my bad experience with a doctor, and an embarrassing sexual encounter I had at a young age, that then happened again in my late 30s, when I should have outgrown such things? Then a bunch of friends told me you told them, and were making fun of me, and saying you didn't like me, and telling them they shouldn't like me either?

Well let me tell you a true underdog story about a little cockroach that got eaten by a cannibalistic cockroach, one of those ones with wings. And the winged cockroach flew all the way across the street from where it was hanging out and picked at a sludge puddle, that a bunch of truck driver boots had stepped in, in a fast food burger joint parking lot, then it crawled down a drain hole that lead up into a white tile bathroom covered in more boot grime and piss tinkles, then it got scooped up in a dustpan and was dumped into a water-free urinal instead of a trashcan. While stuck in the urinal, this cockroach got urinated on many times by many truck drivers and tourists who had been eating MSG Cheeto puffs. Then Larry the Truck Driver, with the thick callous contagious legions on his numb penis, hopped up in front of the urinal and decided to unleash a nice long smelly pee that went all over the cockroach's face and broke one of it's legs. Some how, and for some inexplicable reason, the cockroach managed to flutter it's wings and attach itself to Larry's numb penis. It was numb so he couldn't feel it and didn't know. Larry zipped up and hopped back into his truck.

Larry drove for hours, sweating in his musty jeans. Once his energy drink wore down he decided to pull over at a familiar farm and make love to a dirty boar. It was lonely on the road. The cockroach attached itself to the boar's anus, where it stayed for an afternoon, then it fell in a puddle by a trough. Then an iguana ran and snatched up the cockroach to digest, but not concluding the cockroach's journey. The roach was to pass through the iguana's digestive system, but not before the randy and eager to procreate iguana, found a reliable mate to unite his cloacal region with, which subsequently would be the same space the iguana would pass his cockroach excrement into.

A few weeks later the bloated other iguana would give birth, in captivity, under heavy experimentation, in an underground science cave lab, to a pack of rapidly growing super reptiles keen on world domination. Fueled by experimentation and our resilient cockroach, one of the reptiles, Claudia, would go on to head a large corporation, that owned a string of mental hospitals, who privately released thousands of mental patients, in need of serious treatment, onto the streets of skid row to rot. In Claudia's spare time, she enjoys shaving her pubic hairs, picking other ones off random toilets, collecting them in a plastic baggy and sucking them out of the baggie, she also enjoys sipping on a glass of her own diarrhea. She made a lot of money and was very financially accomplished.

She was a reptile through and through, but her given human name was Claudia. And Daniel, that woman, Claudia, is your mom.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Guy One and Guy Two

"Hi." said one guy
"Yo." said the other.
"I'm worthless!!!" said the first guy.
"Kill yourself." said the other.
"Okay." said guy one.

He pulled out a noose and hung himself. It didn't kill him though. It only started to. Guy two was like "No! Stop. Don't." Then he saved guy one from dying.

"You saved me." said guy one.
"I know, I'm a hero." said guy two.

Guy two went around telling everyone of how he nobly saved guy one's life. It gave guy two lots of meaning. People found inspiration in guy two. Guy two rode the wave. He became a hot shot big time biggie big.

People started saying things to and about guy two.
"Hey guy two you're such a great guy."
"Guy two you are a dream come true."
"Guy two I wanna be like you."

Guy two became so popular people started to spread bad rumors about guy two.
"Guy two is what they say true?"
"I'm still the guy you always knew." said guy two.
"Phew." they said.
"Before you knew it, away those rumors blew."

More time went on and time really flew. More grey hairs grew. Guy two, known for being such a good guy bought a few houses or two.

Guy one sat back as guy two skyrocketed off the heat of guy one's rescue. Guy two didn't talk to guy one. Guy one never got proper help and care because he kept looking for people similar to guy two to help him through. Guys like guy two would or could never help guy one. Guy one blamed guy two a little, but he never learned to start with number one. So he jumped off a bridge.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

The Sad Mob Whack

Mob Tommy said "Hey whack Joey." to Tino.
Tino said "I hate to do it cuz I love Joey, but you da boss, Mob Tommy."
"I hate t'ask you to do it cuz I love Joey too, Tino." said Tommy.
"Then why we gotta do it?"
"Cuz it gotta be done!"
"Ah, so if we don't do it t'im, he's gonna do it t'us, s'at what ya sayin?"
"Yeah dat s'what'um'sayin'!" said Mob Tommy.
"Okay I'm gonna go whack Joey, but I'm tellin' ya it's gonna be hard to fuhgedabout." said Tino.
"Oh, trust me and believe me. I'm gonna fuhgedabout this any time soon." said Mob Tommy.

Tino called Joey up on the phone.
"Hey Joey wanna go to the zoo?" said Tino.
"Yeah hey I love da zoo you never wanna go to da zoo." said Joey
"Let's go da zoo." said Tino.

Then Tino went to the zoo with Joey and whacked him the zoo bathroom. Tino went back and told Mob Tommy the job was done.

Mob Tommy was sad. Tino was sad too.
"This stinks." said Tino.
"Tell me 'abatit!" said Mob Tommy.
"I wish this was something I could fuhgetabout." said Tino.
"Man I really liked Joey. He was like family."
"Too bad it had to be done." said Tino.

They were both real sad about whacking Joey. They decided to make a big pot of sad spaghetti with their mom's special family sauce recipe. They sat and ate so so much spaghetti to try to drown away the sad feeling they had about whacking Joey. It was some real emotional eating. It kind of worked for a minute but they were still sad.

"I feel so full." said Mob Tommy.
"Cannoli." said Tino.
"I guess I got room for cannoli." said Mob Tommy.

Tino gave Mob Tommy a sad cannoli. Just as Mob Tommy was about to bite into it he stopped.
"You put a knife in'is cannoli?"
"No." said Tino.
"Oh. Sorry, I suddenly felt like I didn't 'ave no one'a trust!" said Mob Tommy.
"I know how you feel." said Tino, "You want me take a bite of it first?" he offered.
"...Nah, screwit." said Mob Tommy, and he took a bite of the cannoli.

Nothing bad happened. He just ate the cannoli with Tino. They were still sad about their dead friend they whacked and paranoid that someone was gonna whack them.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Day the Circus was Saved

Kevin the kid walked into the kitchen.
"Bye mom, I'm going to the circus."
"You're going to join the circus?" said mom.
"No I'm going to go watch it." said Kevin.
"Oh well that's okay."
"Okay bye."

Then Kevin walked to the circus but he got lost because he thought the circus was always in town, he was a little uninformed being a kid and all, the circus only came to town a couple of times a year. So he walked to the fairgrounds, which is where the circus was when he went before. It was near by so he knew how to get there. A lot of kids have a poor sense of direction, but luckily this was close.  Also mom was kinda dumb because she should have known the circus wasn't in town.

Anyway Kevin the kid walked to the fairgrounds to find an empty lot. He was disappointed. He walked around in circles in the lot. He was disappointed. Then he saw a van off in the distance. Four guys hopped out. Seemed to start walking toward him.

"Uh oh..." said Kevin.
The four guys approached him and seemed nice and not kidnappy.

"Hey Brother," said one of them, "we noticed you walkin' around here all by yourself." said one of them.
"Yeah?" said Kevin.
"Well it looked like you were kinda walkin', thinkin', wonderin' what it's all about..." said another.
"We just wanted to know... do you know Jesus?" said another.

They weren't kidnappers or molesters, they were just four guys trying to find people to recruit into Christianity. Kevin's lone body language in the parking lot make him appear as though he needed saving.

The Christians didn't let on, but they were a little desperate to save people. They hadn't met their saving quota.

"I was hoping to see a circus is all." said Kevin.
"Ahh well the Lord is the only circus you need." said the four guys.
"Can you guys act out a circus for me? If you do, I'll let you save me." said Kevin.

Kevin was clever. So the four guys acted out a circus. One guy pretended to be a clown and walked funny, another guy pretended to be an elephant on all fours. Another guy did a summersault. And the other guy said "Get your peanuts!"

Kevin had a great time and became a Born Again Christian.

The Chalk-Eating Sinners of Love

Jim was clean and had a nice shirt. Dale was a dirty and had stains all over him. Jim was dumb. Dale was smart. Pretty unexpected given their appearances. They were best friends. They were lovers even. How did they make it work!?

"Jim and Dale, don't you guys fight?" asked Uretha.
"Nope we just love love love each other." said Jim and Dale, then they kissed.
"Whoa you guys just kissed!" said an onlooker named Fizz-man.
"Yep." said Jim and Dale.
"Only reason it's remarkable to me, an open minded guy, is that one of you has a really schmutzy face!" said Fizz-man.

It was Dale who had the schmutzy face.

"Yep that's me." said Dale.
"Yeah. I'm dumb." said Jim.
"I guess I don't seem to mind having schmutz on my face. No need to clean it off when I've got the love of my life here." said Dale.
"Aw that sweet." said Jim.

Then Anup walked up. He had a thick accent for no reason.

"How as colme thees man as shuch a cleem shirt on heem, but he as velly velly stoopeeed?" asked Anup.
"I only learned how to be a shirt cleaner." said Jim.
"Well thant you as for tekking time to tell me." said Anup.

Then the cops showed up started to arrest Dale.

"Hey dirty buddy, you're coming with us, you look just like a bad guy." said Cop.
"No, he's not a bad guy." said everyone.
"What? He's clearly so bad." said Cop.
"I'm actually smart guy." said Dale.
"Oh. Hmm well now what do we do?" said Cop.
"I'm dumb." said Jim.

Then the cop's elbow fell off.
"Oh no, of all the times to happen, my elbow picked this time to fall off me." said Cop.
Then the cop was embarrassed.
"Well smart guy, I guess it's your lucky day. I gotta go find some people to help me get a new elbow." said Cop. And he set Dale free.
"I love that cop." said dumb Jim.
"I know you aren't very smart, that's why you're saying that, and I'm a thoughtful guy, so I am able to distinguish whether your love for the cop is something to be jealous of, and it's not." said Dale.
"Oooh. Ahhh. Wowww! So smart!" said everyone, with starry eyes for Dale.

And they all burned in hell some time later.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Milt's Watch

Milt chewed on juicy candy outside one night by the tree. He was the type of guy who accidentally had his zipper down. He also ate chips with his juicy candy, so he could mix and match sweet and salty. The chip greases got on his fingers so he wiped them on his pants. He smack smack smacked away on that juicy candy.

Milt also reached into his underwear to flick an itch. In the process he got some chip grease on his genitals. He did not do anything about the grease on his genitals, nor did he notice he'd gotten grease on them.

Milt was a creep. The reason he stood outside was to peep in on Donald and Irma's home. He did it on his spare time. Donald and Irma were of retirement age. Milt liked to peep. He peeped on Donald and Irma because he saw them at the grocery store once and they were buying a lot of fragrant toiletries. He wanted to see what they were gonna do with them. Turned out nothing unusual. But Milt kept watching

"Irma, where's the remote control?"
"Irma, where's the orange juice?"
"Irma, where's the new soap we bought?"
"Irma, where's the car keys?"
"Irma, I guess we won't go anywhere right now, I can't find the car keys."
"Irma, are we out of my diapers?" are all things Donald would say.

Irma wasn't much help. Donald and Irma weren't that interesting. Nothing eventful ever happened. In addition, they never realized Milt was surveilling them and they lived happy normal lives without any interference.

Milt just kept watching and watching. He watched and watched, waiting for who knows what. Maybe getting off on watching. Like a TV show where nothing ever happens.

Little did Milt know that for the past five months, he's been being watched! That's right. Donald and Irma's neighbor was Dick Dutty. Son of Donald and Irma... Dutty. Dick Dutty was a bad dude who loved to sell drugs to people. He lived next door to his parents. The cops found out that he was selling all the drugs, so they scoped out Dick and Donald and Irma's neighborhood. While watching Dick, they spent a large amount of time watching Milt watch Donald and Irma.

"What the hell is this guy watching for?" said Cop #1.
"He doesn't see like a pervert but he definitely seems like a creep." said Cop #2.
"I'm suspicious of him. We ought to keep an eye out." said Cop #1.

The cops saw that Dick Dutty was making a big move and they moved in on him. They never wound up doing anything to Milt the creep, even though he initially seemed suspicious to them.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Get a Room

Kert and Jan sat in the corner of the bar and necked. Man they were smoochin' hard. Their bodies curled together in two s's.

"Ooh baby."
"Yeah, baby."
"I know, baby." they said.

Then they sucked each other's mouths harder.
"Hey get a room you two!" shouted Larry from the pool table.

They kept kissing. Everyone else got uncomfortable by it and turned away. They were positioned in such a way it seemed like they were putting on a show. Everyone was grossed out. They tried to ignore it. Except Barry. Barry didn't mind it and he stared and watched them.

"Hey Barry quit staring." said Barry's friend Pudzo.
But Barry kept staring. He was really enjoying the show.

"Psst, Barry, maybe don't stare, that ain't too good to look at too long." said Vinny the Pal.
But Barry was a captive audience. Just getting lost in the gaze of their slobbery smooches.

Kert and Jan began to feel Barry's eyes examining their moves. Finally they broke to address him.

"Hey Bro cut it out." said Kert.
But Barry kept staring.

"Hey Bro, you sick sicko! You can't tell Barry to quit. Ya'll are the perverts puttin' it on display!" said Frank, the bar wise man. Kert came and shoved Barry. Barry fell down.

"Ouch." said Barry.

Then security rushed to Kert. They'd had this type of trouble before. They escorted Kert out of the bar.
"Don't touch my girl!" shouted Kert to Barry.

Barry walked up to Jan.
"Your boyfriend hurt me." said Barry.
"Aww that's so sad, what a jerk." she said, quickly selling him under the bus.
"He should take better care of you." said Barry.

Then he started kissing Jan, who was very drunk and didn't seem to discriminate. Kert later found out and beat up Barry and then got beat up for beating up Barry, because Barry has a lot of defenders.

Monday, April 13, 2015

The Grawggle

Henry Smudge was a stiff man who wore spectacles. He walked with tiny steps. He had a firmly squeezed bottom. It was a nervous walk. He was nervous because he was a control freak.
"Please don't touch that." he'd say when people touched his things he didn't want touched.

He didn't like chaos in any situation. He was a focused listener.
"Are you listening?" someone chatting would say.
"Yes keep going." he'd say curtly.

He walked into a daycare center. The children were running wild.
"This is madness." he said. Then left.
I don't know why he was in there anyway. He didn't have any kids.

Henry's focus was such that he could not speak with anyone whose attention was darting in many directions. He was chatting with Katherine, who was all over the place.
"So anyway, my mom, she was a great mom, she cooked when I was kid, um, she's coming to town, I'm excited, but nervous to show her around, she's overbearing, so overbearing that I would do anything for her growing up, like help her cook, what was I talking about? Oh yeah that she's coming to town and I'm gonna show her around, but where should I show her? Any suggestions? I'm thinking this seafood place--"
"Focus!" said Henry.

Henry kept a dark secret no one knew about. A secret that would be the explanation for his particular and sometimes abrasive behavior. Henry had this tiny little monster. He kept it in his pocket. It was pocket-sized. The monster's name was Grawggle.

Grawggle was terrifying. Upon initial glance you would think Grawggle was cute and looked friendly. But Grawggle was a mean monster that just looked cute. Grawggle was fuzzy, pastel, had big eyes, smiled and spoke in a high pitched giggle.
"Hehe everyone is going to find out you're worthless." said Grawggle.
"Hehe when you break eye contact everyone can see the pathetic insides of your soul, hehe." said Grawggle.

Maybe one or two of these wouldn't be so bad, all day everyday started to wear on Henry. Henry had also had Grawggle for so long it wasn't just as simple as getting rid of him. Or throwing Grawggle in the garbage. It was kind of like a serious relationship that is hard to get out of, or being in a cult, or have an abusive parent. You can't just walk away.

Also, turns out Grawggle wanted to eat kids, that's why he commanded Henry to walk into a daycare. Grawggle threatened to eat Henry's cute little niece. Henry felt he had to do what Grawggle said because of this threat. Grawggle was small, but he was also a monster and could move quickly, so maybe he could have eaten the niece. Better to play it safe.

One day they went to the Library, because Henry was a fast reader so he planned to read a couple of books in silence. There were also kids there that Grawggle was threatening to eat. Henry didn't want Grawggle to eat them.

"Hehe get closer to those kids so I can go trick em and make em think I'm fun to play with, then eat at some of them. Hehe." said Grawggle.
"No. I must read." said Henry.

Then Henry sat down in a chair and accidentally squished Grawggle in his pocket. It created a big wet stain on Henry's pants. Henry was horrified but after years of therapy realized it was the best thing that could have happened to him.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

The Bitter Narrator

Hey what's up? I'm Todd the Narrator. I'm the narrator of this story. Listen, I don't want to tell it, I'll be honest.

"Why?" said the reader.
Ugh. Well for one I'm really exhausted, I was up late last night, and I've just been narrating so much lately.
"Oh geez. I'm sorry. Do you need to take a break? Or like do you need me to come back?" said the reader.

No, no. It's fine, I can power through it, I guess, it's just that like this story isn't that great of a story so it's hard to get excited about telling it, on top of me just being so tired, you know?
"Hmm well what's it about?" you ask.

Ugh, well it's about this girl, Meagan, and she like mails a letter to a slightly mystical celebrity person, like Santa, and doesn't expect to hear back and she gets a response. It's not that great a story. Just being honest.

"Is that all it's about? I'm kind of intrigued. You sure you don't want to go on?" you said, just now.
"What's wrong, you're being difficult." said the reader, annoyingly.
I'm not being difficult, it's just... Okay, there's some challenging material in the story and I don't feel like telling it.
"Challenging? Like what?" you pried.

Like there's a bunch of stuff in the story about a child molester.
"Oh, yikes." said the reader.
Yeah, a child molester. There. Happy?
"No." said the reader.
Yeah pretty unpleasant stuff, you sure you wanna hear about it? It's real descriptive.
"No, no that would make feel awful."

...I lied. There's nothing in the story about a child molester. I was trying to get you to stop reading.
"What's your problem, man? I didn't do anything to you." said the reader, "Just tell me about Meagan."

Ahh, that's the problem. I'm supposed to like really gloat about Meagan and make her out like she's great. But let me tell you, I met her once and she was like kind of a jerk. Sorry I made it too personalized. I'll get out of here now.

"Well wait! What happens to her in the end?" you wanted to know.

Ahh nothing she mailed her stupid letter and the celebrity Santa character responded, she became a hero, and now she's like doing great. Good for her. Whatever. I'm sure she's really happy.
"Maybe if you were in her position you'd have a whole new set of problems." thought the reader.

Hmm... that's a good point. And then I, Todd the Bitter Narrator pondered the point.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Game Ball

Spike and Joey's team The Toughies were down by two points in an intense game of Game Ball. Everyone knows Game Ball. It's the country's most popular and often played sport!

Joey and Spike were determined, but the other team, The Bagels, were the toughest and meanest team in the league.

"We're the Game Ball bad boys, that's for sure." said The Bagels.
"C'mon let's cream those Bagels!" said Joey.
"We're never gonna beat these Bagels." said Spike.
"What, are you kidding? It's like you forgot the rules to Game Ball. Let's do this!" said Joey.
"Okay, you're right." said Spike

Then they ran out on the field and did their pre-half-time dance.

"Now the game will begin!" said the Rule Boss, who honked his whistle, and wore striped underwear.

Spike and Joey patted each other's buns and ran to the center of the field. Then they summersaulted to the corner of the court.
"Pass me the hike!" said Spike.
"Not until you hoop it." said Joey
"I can't hoop it until we reach the third first down." said Spike.
"We can't get first first down until the inning reaches half point." said Joey.
"Shoot!" said Spike.
"Don't get mad about it!" said Joey.
"No, I'm saying shoot the point!!" said Spike.
"Oh yes, of course, hehe, it's like I forgot the rules of Game Ball." said Joey, giggling.
"Maybe we should try a single play." said Spike.
"Maybe we can try a triple play?!" said Joey.
"Ahh, it's too risky at this point in the game." said Spike.
"If only we had the other team's rule book." lamented Joey.

Just then one of the team members of The Bagels ran up.

"Hey you two, I'm Horace and I don't wanna be on The Bagels anymore. I like your team The Toughies, I'm wanting to do a Team Switch." said the player.
"You wanna pull a Team Switch here and now?" said Spike.
"Sure do. It's my right, as a player of Game Ball." said Horace.
"Spike, if we let Horace on the team, then he can tell us the other team's rule book!" said Joey.
"Don't tell me till after the game, I wanna be surprised!" said Spike.

Just then the team captain of The Bagels fell into the sand ditch and their human pyramid huddle collapsed so they all got disqualified!

It was still time for the talent portion of the game though. Spike tap-danced, Joey did a magic trick with cards, and Horace made his hair stand up with a staticky balloon while lip synching a popular song. They all won a ribbon and the Game Ball industry flourished with advertiser money.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Jim the Firefighter

Jim the Firefighter was a booze guzzler and big man who had big pectoral muscles and wore a tight blue fireman shirt. He punched the fires out. Big fires and little fires, he knew what to do! Call Jim the Firefighter's department for all your fire needs.

"Hi I'm Big Jim the Firefighter. Are you scared of fire? Does it burn you? Well I'm not scared of it and burns don't hurt me! If you have a fire call me, I'll come put it out. Well actually call 911, then they'll call me and I'll come put it out." said Jim during his commercial for firefighters.

Jim took a pause, "...And um..."

Then Jim realized his commercial idea was dumb, because why do a commercial for the fire department when it's basically a commercial for 911? And 911 has it's own PR. They don't need Jim. Jim felt embarrassed and discouraged.

He just thought it'd be kind of a good idea to make a commercial. Because he knew that commercials got people more work, because it got the word out about their product. But he technically didn't want more work, because fires were bad for people to have. So the less work for him the better people were doing. Jim also lived in a small town and the people rarely had any fire problems.

Jim also felt dumb because he had gotten a whole local camera crew together. He knew he was gonna either be embarrassed for having them shoot this thing that was pointless or he was gonna piss them off for wasting their time if he canceled.

"Um.. this was a dumb idea." said Jim.
"What why?" said Skippy the camera operator.
"Well, cuz obviously people know to call the fire department when there's a fire." said Jim.
"Yeah?" said Skippy.
"I just didn't think this through." said Jim.
"That's okay, I thought you were makin' like a good little skit!" said Donny.
"Yeah!" said Debbie.
"Yeah like a skit!" said Duck Daryl. Duck Daryl was a nickname that guy went by.
"I don't know, I think I should quit." said Jim.
"Don't quit, make it a skit!" said the crew.
"Your pectoral muscles look great in this lighting!" said the lighting guy.

Jim felt better. He had lost his confidence for a second but his friendly camera crew helped him regain it and they made a nice little skit that even aired on TV in the small town. It worked as a good PSA to remind people to not set themselves on fire.

There was even an electrical problem during the shoot and Jim was able to stop it from turning into a bad fire. He was a real hero!

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

When Disasters Strike!

"Hey get a grip!" said Randy to Eugene. Eugene was both having a personal freakout and trying to jackhammer a hole into the ground.

"I need a break!" said Randy.

Then Randy broke his arm. He went to the doctor. There was a Junkie there too. They sat in the waiting room. A waiter walked up.

"Can I take your order?"
"Yes, one Doctor, please." said Randy.
"And for you?" said the Waiter.
"The same." said the junkie, shaking.

He was shaking because there was an earthquake.

"Ahhhh!" said people getting up and running out.
"Ahhhh..." said the rest of them, because they had all just taken a refreshing sip of Coca-Cola.
"That earthquake was scary, good thing we had the fizzy soda to distract us." said Randy to the Junkie.
"The Doctor will see you now." said the Waiter.

Then the doctor came and got a good look at both of them.

"I see these guys, but who is my next patient?"
"Doc, help me I got a break!" said Randy
"Doc help me, I need a fix." said the Junkie.
"Here's some drugs, I'm a doc, but I also sell drugs." said the Doctor, handing the Junkie drugs.
"So you live a double life?" said the Junkie.
"Yes it's exhausting." said the Doctor.
"Yes it's exhausting." said the Doctor again.
"Doc, my arm is still broken!" said Randy.
"Take one of mine, I've got four." said the Doctor, holding out one of his arms.
"Here." said the version of the Doctor who sells drugs.

Then Randy took the Doctor's extended hand and they shook hands. Then another earthquake happened and shook them even more, and then the roof collapsed.

"That wasn't an earthquake that was me jackhammering!" said Eugene, Randy's clumsy coworker.

Peter Efforts

Peter was dressed for success. He went into the meeting and blew it! He went back home and took his success dress off and set it off fire.

"This dress is horseshit! It was supposed to be me dressed for success!" said Peter.
Then he spit.
"More like suck-cess!"
Then he spit some more.

Then he set his dress on fire. 
"It was an ugly dress anyway."

Then he stood in the mirror and looked at his floppy wiener 
"Now I'm dressed for success."
He looked a little longer.
"Now we're talkin' turkey."
He looked some more.
"I'm ready to storm the castle!" he said.

Peter had no clothes on. He felt he was ready to seal the deal. He walked into the boardroom with his wiener flopping and he blew it again. He ran back to the mirror. 

"Maybe the clothes make the man and I have no clothes so I'm not the man for the job." he said.

Then he got sad and lowered his head in shame. Then he looked at his wiggling toes on the floor and blue carpet and got an idea. 
"Nice blue carpet!" he said.

Then he went and got some blue paint. He painted his belly blue and he painted his butt blue. He barged right back into the meeting. The previous times he blew it. This time he blue them away.

The meeting loved him. Peter was to be appointed the Senior Executive of PR for the Psycho Hairplugs Space-Dog-Eyeball Vision Restoration Program for Lonely Sister-in-Laws Church House-Music Dance Club. It was a very specific club that didn't exist because Peter was schizophrenic and made it up.

The other voices in Peter's head were extremely disappointed when they found out that it was not real and they made it up together, as they had been extremely invested in Peter's success. 

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Where's Bro's Weed?

Bro couldn't find his weed. He was normally really chill, but his weed was missing and he was getting really stressed and frustrated.

"Bro did someone take my weed?" said Bro.
"I didn't take it, Bro." said Bro's bro, who was high.
"Bro, did you smoke it?" asked Bro.
"Bro, I don't think so." said Bro's bro.

Bro was getting pissed. He lifted couch cushions and kicked pieces of garbage around that were on his floor. He was agitated. He started shaking. He was gritting his teeth and pulling his hair. His eyes simmered with rage.

"Bro, I feel like I could like murder someone!" said Bro.
He lifted a dirty t-shirt up off the floor.

"Oh, Bro, I found it!" said Bro.
"Sweet!" said Bro's bro.
"Oh damn wait that's not it." said Bro.
"Damn." said Bro's bro.

It was just a cat toy. Bro didn't have a cat. But Bro's neighbor had a cat. Bro figured he had better do some detective work. He went over to his neighbor Cynthia's house. He knocked on the door and she answered.

"Cynthia, like did you or your cat take my weed, bro?"
"Oh, hey Bro. No sorry, Bro. I don't think so." said Cynthia.
"Damn." said Bro.
"I'm high though. You wanna smoke a bowl?" said Cynthia.
"I'm pissed! I can't find my weed!"
"Come smoke a bowl!" said Cynthia.

Bro was so pissed he walked into Cynthia's and took a sweet rip off a bitchin' bong. He got high and thought it was sweet. He forgot to be pissed. Then Bro and Cynthia just sat and talked for two hours about what they were hoping to do. Bro was hoping to get his growing off the ground. And Cynthia was hoping to hit her dad up for some funding on a project. It turned out to be a sweet day.

Monday, April 6, 2015

The Sunny Snowpark Trio

The lonely forest ranger sat in the snow forest.

"I'm bored! Wish some friends showed up!" he shouted.
"Rawwwr!" said the Abominable Snowman.

The lonely ranger stood up.

"Uh oh, I should be more selective with my friends." he said.
Then he ran and hid in his cabin. He ate a crunchy cookie in there too.
"Aw man, now I'm bored and wants some friends!" said the Abominable Snowman.

Then the hot sun popped it's head out from behind the clouds.
"I'm here!" said the hot sun.
"Oh no, don't melt meee!" said the Abominable Snowman, as he ran and hid in a shady ice cave.

Then the forest ranger popped his head out of his cabin window.
"The sun's out? Oooh I can go frolic now." he said.
Then he went and ran around the forest wearing skimpy swim trunks.

Then the Abominable Snowman popped his head out the cave.
"Hehe you're cute!" said the Abominable Snowman about the ranger's little frolicking in the sun.
"Hehe thanks." said the ranger, then he turned and saw it was the Snowman.
"Aaahh!" he said, scared.
"Aaahh!" the Abominable Snowman said back.
Then the Snowman pulled his head back in the cave, and the ranger jumped back in his cabin.

Then the hot sun said "Ya'll ain't gonna use this sunlight?" and the Snowman popped his head out and said "I'm scared of the hot sun."
And the ranger popped his head out and said "I'm scared of the Snowman."

Then the hot sun said "But I want some friends."
Then the ranger said "I want some friends!"
Then the Abominable Snowman said "I want some friends!"

"Well it doesn't look like the three of us will reach a friend agreement despite all our desires toward the same final product. I guess I'm gonna go hide behind some clouds." said the hot sun.

"Shoot." said the Abominable Snowman.
"Darn." said the ranger.

The heat went away and more snow came down. The lonely ranger set up perch again on his lonely spot. The next day it was cold. The Abominable Snowman came out of his cave and ate the lonely ranger.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

The Glob of Goop

The Glob of Goop sat on the counter with the rest of the Gunk.

"Guhhh, we're Gunk." said the Gunk.
"I'm a Glob of Goop." said the Glob.
"Goop ain't as cool as Gunk!" said the Gunk.
"Well I ain't one to argue I'm just a Glob of Goop." said the Glob.

Then person whose counter it was came and haphazardly wiped the counter with a rotten rag. The Gunk was gone.

"I guess that guy was pretty cool. Now he's gone on the bigger better things. I'm still sitting here." said the Glob of Goop.

The Glob of Goop sat there for a while. He stayed gooey for a while too. The person whose counter it was didn't even notice.

"Like, hey man. I'm gonna eat a Dorito and scratch my undies for a while while I watch this DVD of my favorite cartoon. Sound groovy to you?" said the person whose counter it was.
"You drive me up the wall sometimes." said the lady who sometimes came over.

Then the lady walked out the door and slammed the door shut.
"Wonder what that was like, all about, man." said the person whose counter it was.

He sat on his couch for a while and watched his favorite cartoon.
"Hehehe. Hehehe! Eh, uh-heh heh heh!" he said while watching them.

The Glob of Goop sat there listening to the whole thing. No one wiped the Glob of Goop up. He felt very left out. He wondered if a roach would come visit him. He sat and waited for a while. He started to get less gooey. He started to dry. He became crusty and flakey. Dry little bubbles of air crusted underneath him. He became a piece of stuck crust flake on the counter. He sat there even longer.

One day the owner of the counter stood by the counter and vomited in the sink. Then he urinated in it. Then he ran the water for a little and stuff there. He ran the garbage disposal as well. As he stood there he glanced over to the flakey crust that was once the Glob of Goop. He scraped it off with his fingernail and flicked through the air.

The former Glob of Goop was on it's way.

Friday, April 3, 2015

The Waiter

There was an event of people once, and they were all doing stuff. A Waiter was hired to help it run smoothly and keep the people in the event moving in the direction they needed to be going.

The Waiter weaved in and out of the places.
"Paddon me, a scuse a me!"said the Waiter.
"Thank you. No problem." said the folks he brushed by.

Someone raised a hand.
"Ah, waiter? Over here."
"Yesa madam." said the Waiter.

Then he weaved over to another spot.
"I'm a da waiter! I weave all about a da room!" said the Waiter.

Jack, the thoughtful fellow, was standing there. The Waiter breezed on over to Jack.
"Do you needa somm tin?" asked the Waiter.
"No thanks, not now." said Jack as he stood there.

The Waiter walked away.

"Looks like everyone in this room is doing something." said Jack.
"Wish I could see it all, I'm blind." said Hannah.
"Oh, I didn't see you there." said Jack.
"That's funny. I'm the blind one, and you didn't see me!" said Hannah.
"That's true. I was too busy remarking on how everyone in the room seemed to be doing something."
"Well, what are they doing?"
"Well, too much to say I guess." said Jack.
"I'm more interested in you actually... tell more more about you." said Jack.

Hannah chatted to Jack. Over elsewhere in the room Angela got drunk. Paul watched her. Max was hairy. The indoor wind blew. Some of Max's hair blew into Chuck's salad. Chuck ate it anyway. Gertrude stared at Chuck's salad as he ate it. Then she ate a cookie.

"Can I get a you anodda cookie?" asked the Waiter.
"Yes." said Gertrude.

Gertrude loved the cookie. She knew she shouldn't have another, but she also knew the waiter was gonna bring her the cookie if she asked for it. So she did. What power she wielded.

Guess what though? The Waiter was a robot. And all those assholes at the event were too busy with their heads up their asses to even notice. Even that nice blind lady Hannah. The event was run by an evil corporation trying to build robot people to take our jobs, it all starts with the wait jobs. Then you'll see what jobs those robots take next. For god's sake don't attend those fucking stuffy events for robot makers!

Lice People

Haas had fleas and his fleas had lice and the lice had tiny lice and his house had mice that had lice. Haas's wife who did all the hard work bought mouse traps for the mice. They caught the mice but didn't catch the lice. Haas's wife had an affair with a guy who had crabs, which was crotch lice. She gave crotch lice to Haas.

"Did you give me crabs?" said Haas.
"No." said Haas's wife.
"Lies!" said Haas.
"Lice!" said Wife.
"What's the WiFi password?" said Haas.
"Hahahaha" said Wife.
"That's that password?"
"Word." said Wife.
"Any spaces in Hahahaha?" said Haas.
"One word." said Wife.
"I feel like we're distant." said Haas.
"I'm across the room."
"True." said Haas, "come closer."
"No, you have lice."
"Bitch you have lice!" said Haas, taking a stand.

Meanwhile down in flealand the fleas were talking about what was going on with Haas and Wife.

"I hope these guys keep arguing about whose fault the lice and crabs are."
"Me too that means we can stay longer."
"Yeah. Our trick is to find people who won't get rid of us because they're too busy arguing."
"Yeah. Great trick."
"I wish these people had a dog."
"Me too."
"They just have lice."
"Do you ever talk to the lice?"
"No they're nasty and stupid." said the fleas to each other.

Meanwhile the lice talked too.

"Hey I heard fleas call us dumb."
"What you say? I dumb."
"I said I heard the fleas call us dumb dumbs."
"What huh? I no understand I a dumb a dumb."
"Hmm... well then I guess I'm just a lone lonesome smart lice. Because I understand everything. Wish I could commit lice suicide because it sure is lonely being the only smart lice." said Smart Lice.
"Maybe you can shut your lice brain off and just be driven by pheromones, like me and the other lice."
"Okay good idea." said Smart Lice.

Then a lonesome flea walked up to a lice and had sex with it to try to make a lice flea hybrid. Then they were gonna try to have sex with Haas's wife and see if she'd made a lice flea person hybrid and then the plan after that was to ask the mices to get in on the action. But the whole plan got interrupted because then government drug agents came and bust in the house and arrested Haas and wife for drugs. Lice and fleas and mice jumped on some of the agents. The agents fumigated the house and killed everything inside it.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Mean Prank Day

Denny called Craig into the office. The door was open. Craig could see Denny sitting in his chair.

"This way, this way! Hurry come in quick!" said Denny.
"Coming." said Craig.

As Craig set foot in Denny's office his pant leg was met with a stream of urine coming from Harry's penis. Harry was standing there naked.

"Hahahah! We got you!" said Denny.
"I got you!" said Harry, who was still peeing.
"Oh man, is it Mean Prank Day?" asked Craig.
"Yes it is!" they said, including Harry, who was still peeing.
"I totally forgot, I've been so busy." said Craig.

Craig went and called his Mom.

"Mom I have cancer. Of the penis." said Craig.
"Oh my goodness." said Mom.
"Yep. My only choices are to die or become a man with no penis."
"Please don't die- wait a second. Is it Mean Prank Day?" asked Mom.
"It is!" said Craig.
"Oh you sure got me. Hold on your father wants to talk to you."
"Son, I have cancer of the penis." said Father.
"It's Mean Prank Day, Dad, I just tried that one on Mom."
"Damn. Well come over after work tonight, will you?" said Father.

Craig went over after.
"Come on in, Craig." said Mom.
"In here, Craig." said Father, from Craig's childhood room.

Craig walked into his room and found that all his favorite childhood possessions were sprawled out in a pentagram and burning on fire. In the center of the pentagram was a blood written letter that read I wish I could undo you and your life! - Dad, and next to it Craig's childhood cat's skeleton, that had been buried for years in the backyard, had been dug up, and sprawled out, with a stream of urine coming out of Craig's dad's penis. And Craig's dad was naked. And drunk.

"I never loved you, Craig." said Father.
"It's Mean Prank Day!" said Craig.
"Yep!" said Father.

Then they gave each other a hug and had a nice dinner.