Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Rough Morning at Work

Brad walked into work and he gripped his briefcase. He held his briefcase a little further out than usual because he wanted to air out his armpit because he was sick and fucking tired of going home with a musty stinky armpit.

On his way into his office he got stuck in his narrow doorway because he held out the briefcase further than usual.
"Fuck, shit, cunt!" he said.

Then he took a spill and crashed into his desk and it collapsed. When he stood back up he was still gripping his briefcase. Then he threw it.
"Fuck this shit." he said.

He glanced at his arm. He had a pencil sticking out of it. He also had a pencil sticking out of his forehead side. He was pissed and annoyed so he spit real hard.

He kicked a tray full of papers.
"I'm sick of this goddamned door!" he shouted.

Then he walked through the wall. It was a cheap shit office so it wasn't that hard. But he had asbestos crumbles all over his suit. He crashed through the wall into Barbara's office. She started screaming because he looked like a dusty white crumbles monsters. He got asbestos in her coffee.

Then he dumped the coffee on Barbara's head because she was stupid anyway. Fuck Barbara, she has a stick up her ass. He bent her over to pull it out.
"Where's that stick?! I'm trying to help you!" he screamed.

Barbara screamed.
"The doctor musta pulled it out!" shouted Brad.

Then Brad punched through a window and took a bite of a piece of broken glass. Everyone else in the office was mad at Brad and thought he was real out of line. He was expected to get fired, but after that  he lit his sleeve on fire and then ran to the bathroom to put it out. Then he wouldn't come out of the bathroom because he said he was passing a kidney stone, which helped illicit sympathy from everyone, so he kept his job.

The Quit Quitter

Harold walked up the big hill mountain mound thing. It was a stretch. It was strenuous. He was tired. He didn't like it. But he decided he wanted to do it. So he could point to it and say "Guess what I made it to the top of that mountain hill thing" to people during social interactions and they would be like "Oooh wow you sure are better than me at that because I didn't do it." And if he happened to meet someone who had also done it they could compare notes and be pals and equals. Win win.

So Harold walked and panted. Harold also had a weakness. His weakness was quitting. He loved to quit. He couldn't quit quitting. He was always quitting stuff because it was so easy. That was another reason he wanted to make it to the top, so he could quit quitting. Or at least wane off quitting. He wanted to wane. But he was scared he'd just quit.

"Ehh... This is rough. I been doing it a while now." he said at the half way point, "Ahh I'll keep going."

There was a stick sticking out of the ground. He was looking forward and had his eyes on the prize, the top. Because he wasn't looking the stick scratched him.

"Ouch!" he said. "Ahh, I'll keep going." he then said.

He passed a lady name Yelgart.
"Yallo." said Yelgart.
"Hi I'm trying not to quit." said Harold.
"Okay yai won't distrag you!" said Yelgart.
"Okay, it was nice seeing you, I'll miss you." said Harold.

He kept on, it was too bad he didn't allow himself to get distracted with Yelgart, he thought to himself.

He walked more. His knees and butt hurt.
"Now I'm hungry!" he said. He thought he should quit cuz of the knee hurt and hungry. Then he remembered there'd be food at the top.

"But I'm still hungry!" he said.
So he stopped and ate some apples from a tree. This wasn't a quit. It was a break. A break was a little like a quit but not a full on quit. He got a little of the quit relief from the break. But then he carried on.

He kept walking high. Then he got a boner.
"Oh great, a boner!" he said. This boner was a big distraction. But he figured he'd just ignore and keep going. He hoped no one would be around to notice it. He was wearing sweatpants.

He walked some more then he forgot about the boner and it went away.

"I'm all sweaty and stinky now!" he said.
He was very close to the top. Then he got sick of going up the hill top mountain thing. It really didn't seem like much of a good idea. What was the point? Just do it cuz he said he wanted to? He didn't even remember. He quit.

A little while later he tried again. Then he quit again. Then he tried again and quit again and kept doing it. It was a nice way to pass the time in his life.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Cop Case Heat

Cop Joe blew the lid off the big case.

"You're getting too close to the case!" said Chief Tucky.
"Don't tell me I'm too close I'm the right amount of close I just blew the lid of the damn thing."

Chief Tucky had something up his sleeve. He pulled out a turkey leg.

"Hey I knew I had some lunch that I didn't eat yet." said Chief Tucky.
"Hey can I have a bite?" said Cop Joe.

Cope Joe had a bite.

"Mmm that's yummy, did your wife make it?" asked Cop Joe.
"No I just got it in the Cop Cafeteria."
"Oh I have to try that sometime, I usually get fast food."
"Don't do it, it'll put you in your grave." said Chief Tucky.
"You're right, it's a bad habit."
"Speaking of putting you in graves, you gotta steer clear of this case."
"But I'm so close to it hitting it big with this case." said Cop Joe.
"The mayor is breathing down my neck."
"Okay okay fine." said Cop Joe.
"Cool I gotta go pee, talk soon." said Chief Tucky.

Cop Joe walked toward the door to leave then thought for a second and turned around.

"Chief Tucky, I gotta ask, are you on someone else's pay roll too?" asked Cop Joe.
"Hey what you trying to say? You can't say that, get out of my office, and while you're at it gimme your badge and gun too!" said Chief Tucky.

Cop Joe hadn't just blown the lid off the case, he'd blown the bottom out too. See, the Chief was on the bad guy's payroll and Cop Joe had been scopin' the bad guys but the cops had been cleanin' up the bad guys' messes, but still leaving loose ends for Cop Joe to pick the ends up. And Chief Tucky was at the helm of it. And he was picking up little pieces of payola on the side.

"Everyone is crooked here!" said Cop Joe.

Then the Cop Chiropractor came up.
"Someone say someone's crooked? Here lemme give it a try."

Then he adjusted Cop Joe.
"I'm not crooked, it's this goon who's crooked." said Cop Joe.

Then the Cop Chiropractor went and adjusted Chief Tucky.
"Ooh I feel much better. You're right. You can have your badge and gun, and I'm sorry I was doing all that bad stuff. I'll be a good guy cop now, again. Go get those law breaking cops and bad guys and let's bust 'em. Good work." said Chief Tucky.
"And good work to you Chiropractor Cop, you saved the day!" said Cop Joe.
"You bet!" said Chiropractor Cop, enthusiastically.

Then Chiropractor Cop walked away and muttered to himself "Good thing they didn't find out I'm a shyster."

Saturday, March 28, 2015

The Inappropriate Talk

It was a nice day in the park. Dino was sitting on the bench. Half of the bench had a beam of sunlight hitting it. The other half had a shade over it. Dino sat on the shady side.

Bonzo walked up to the bench and took a seat.

"Ooh this seat is waaarm! said Bonzo.
"Hey I don't need to know about the sensations of your butt, pal!" said Dino.
"I was just commenting that the seat was warm." said Bonzo.
"Yeah, well you didn't come over here and put your face on it, or your hand on it. You came over here and put your butt on it! And I don't need to know about what kinds of things you're feeling with your butt!" said Dino.
"Is your seat warm?" asked Bonzo.
"No." said Dino.
"Well, hey you just told me about what your butt is feeling!"
"You asked!" said Dino.
"You still told. You're a butt-talker too." said Bonzo.
"Am not."
"Yes are."

Then Madra walked by. She was a big bad snoot woman who didn't like filth.

"I just walked by!" said Madra.
"Yeah so?" said Dino.
"I walked by and overheard you two PERVERTS talking about your butts!"
"Hey you're a pervert too because you said the word butt, that's sick, you butt-sayer!" said Bonzo.
"Oh goodness I won't stand for this smut chat. I'm going to get the priest and he will tell you you're all unholy and bad." said Madra.

Then the priest walked up.

"No need to get me. I'm here. I heard all you sinners talking about your sinful butts." said Priest.
"Yeah well first off I didn't wanna hear about no butt sensations in the first place. And second, the bible says we are all sinners, so who cares what sin we sin, when we're all gonna sin anyway!" said Dino.
"Whoa. That's deep man." said the Priest.
"Thanks Bro." said Dino.
"Wow that was so deep I felt a little tingle in my dick." said Bonzo.

The Line

Mipper was standing in line. He was nervous. Oooh he had to get to the spot where the line was headed. He fixed his nervous eyes on the thing he was waiting for.

The wait. The wait. Why was there such a wait? Why did he have to participate in this system? Couldn't he just... go get the thing he wanted? No. He had to wait. That's what we all decided. What was keeping him from getting the thing he was waiting for? More people. People in front of him.

What would happen if Mipper broke the rules and surpassed the system.
"Hey stop that man!" everyone would say.
"Where do you think you're going?" they ask.
"You can't do that!" they tell him.
"We are going to beat you up now!" they'd threaten.
All those seemed like very likely risks. And very risky likelihoods.

Mipper wanted to get these people out of his way. He took tiny mini tidbit steps closer. Even though the person in front of him wasn't taking his tidbit steps too. Mipper was no closer to his goal. He shifted from foot to foot.

"Grrgh.." he grunted and grumbled to himself.
"Huff. Puff." he heavily breathed.

Behind him were more people clustered together, wanting to get to the thing at the end of the line. What was happening? Something happened. Did Mipper just feel the woman behind him graze him with her shoulder? It was more than a graze it was a full on bump. And what now? Was that woman taking a step forward when there wasn't a step forward to take?

Mipper stared at the woman. But the woman didn't look at Mipper. Did she not notice Mipper was standing right there? Did she not notice that his place in line was in front of her? And she was stepping into his tacit box?

Mipper was getting very anxious. What if she stepped in front of him. What would he say? His brain thoughts boiled with intensity. He thought of the harsh and incredulous tones he'd use to question what she was doing. She still hadn't looked at Mipper or acknowledged him. Then she spoke. To her teenage daughter, who was standing next to her. She didn't seem to notice or consider Mipper's inner turmoil.

Mipper refocused his energy to in front of him. This woman behind him didn't seem to have an conscience for inching up against the rules. Mipper was gonna take a page from her book. He took a step forward.

"Uh, excuse me pal I'm standing here too." said the brassy man in front of him.
"Oh, oh, sorry, uh..." said Mipper, pretending he was oblivious, like the woman behind him.

Mipper suffered til he got to the end of the line. Years late he took up meditation and lines were no longer an issue for some reason.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Two Guys Be Themselves

Grumpy was in a bad mood and he was being a grouch.

"Hey cheer up!" said Cheery!
"No I'm in a bad mood." said Grumpy.
"Aw well what if you sang a song."
"I hate songs."
"Really? People love songs."
"Not me."
"Are you just saying that cuz you're in a bad mood?"
"Ah so what songs do you like?"
"None right now, quit trying to cheer me up."
"Let me just try to sing you this one song, okay?"
"Here goes..."

Cheery struck a pose and sang

"Hey, hey, hey! Cheer on up!
Hey, hey, hey! Cheer on down!"

"I hate this song." said Grumpy.
"Do you like to dance?" asked Cheery.
"What do you think?"
"Yes?" asked Cheery.
"No." said Grumpy.

Then Mean came over. Mean was known for being mean, not grumpy. There's a difference. Mean always said mean things to people. Both Grumpy and Cheery dreaded Mean's mean energy.

"Hey, excuse me guys. I'm just passing by, don't mind me, hope you're doing well." said Mean.
"Hmm something seems up with Mean." said Cheery.
"Yeah he didn't seem like himself." said Grumpy.
"What were we just talking about?" said Cheery.
"I forgot." said Grumpy.

Then they went and watched a Karate movie in silence.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015


Crabman sat around waiting for someone to say "pinch me I'm dreamin'" so he could pinch em. Cuz he had crab claws. No one ever said that.

"Hey you know that expression pinch me I'm dreamin!?" said Crabman to Lawrence.
"Yes I've heard it before." said Lawrence.
"Well I think that is a dated expression. Because I've been waiting for a long time to hear someone say that so that I can pinch 'em to be funny, because I think it'd be real clever to really pinch 'em with my real crab claws, but no one ever says it."
"Hmm that's too bad." said Lawrence.

Crabman also had hard flesh like a crab's shell. When people were hopeful about something and said the expression "knock on wood" Crabman would knock on himself. He wasn't made of wood, but he made a knocking noise when you knocked on him.

"Hey I'm not wood but you can still knock on me and maybe your hope will stay safe, eh?" Crabman would say to people. Like Lauren for example.
"Yeah, maybe." said Lauren.
"Heh heh. They should change the expression to knock on Crabman! Then people could just knock on me."
"Yeah that'd be neat." said Lauren.

Crabman felt dumb after having that conversation with Lauren.

"Hey we should cook a pie." said Crabman to Leon, who liked to cook with people.
"Sure, okay." said Leon.
"I'll be sure to follow the ingredients with you... and not sidestep any. Heheh." said Crabman.
"Okay sounds good." said Leon.
"Yeah, I won't sidestep any..."
"Hmm?" said Leon.
"You know... crabs walk side ways... heh." said Crabman.
"Oh right, okay hehe. Yeah don't to that with pie baking. Hmmhmm." said Leon.

Crabman had a hard time relating to people because he was a Crabman. He felt his best bet would be to latch on to expressions and colloquialisms that were loosely connected to his traits him hopes that people would relate with him more. He had a difficult time doing it.

One day he met Giraffany, a lady who was a giraffe lady. She was real tall and had spots. Because she was a giraffe. Crabman saw her and was a little in disbelief.

"Are you seeing spots?" said Giraffany. She was trying to make a joke. It took Crabman a second to catch on, then he enthusiastically responded.
"Oh! Hehe... oh yes! Um.. Pinch me I'm dreaming!" said Crabman.
"Maybe you ought to pinch yourself." said Giraffany.
"Good one!" said Crabman.

The two of them had really stale senses of humor but they got along great.

The Goal Oriented Fellow

Bitchy had them big ol' milk titties and Lil Bitty Fat Squeaks wanted some dat milk.

"Cain't no one get my milk!" said Bitchy
"Dang!" said Lil Bitty Fat Squeaks.

Lil Bitty Fat Squeaks walked around cursin' and saying "Dang!" a bunch.

"Dang!" he said.
"What wrong." said Ern Duggert.
"I want dat fat titty milk from Bitchy!"
"Go on get it din."
"She sars I cain't has none." said Lil Bitty Fat Squeaks.
"Dang what choo gon do?" said Ern.
"Hmm... what can I do?" said Lil Bitty Fat Squeaks.
"Hmm... tries ta trick her." said Ern.

Lil Bitty Fat Squeaks thought that was a swell ol' idar. Lil Bitty Fat Squeaks went over to the field by Bitchy and falled on the ground. Once he went and hit on the ground he started up the cryin' and hollerin'.

"Uh oh I'm dyin' I'm dyin' I'm dyin' I'm dyin! I needs help who will help. Maybe Bitchy?"

Bitchy waddled on over.
"What the fuck ass u whin' bout?" said Bitchy.
"I's dyin'."
"What gon' fix ya?"
Lil Bitty Fat Squeaks put a big ol' grin on his face.
"Only one thang gon' fix me from dyin'... some uh that fat titty milk." grinned Lil Bitty Fat Squeaks.
"I'll give you my piss but not my milk!" said Bitchy.
"Dang!" said Lil Bitty Fat Squeaks.

Lil Bitty Fat Squeaks didn't want Bitchy's piss. Lil Bitty Fat Squeaks decided to walk for miles and miles until he could find a town that had a learning annex with a seminar about both strategy and achieving your goals. He didn't have no money to take them courses but they was free.

Lil Bitty Fat Squeaks returned toward Bitchy with a strategy to get the titty milk. Soon it would be his. But on his walk he was panting heavy and collapsed from complications due to Hepatitis, which he didn't know he had.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Frownzo's Good Day

Frownzo was so happy. Frownzo always had a frown on his face. Today he felt great.

Doopy walked up to Frownzo
"Aw poor Frownzo!" said Doopy.
"No I'm happy!"
"Aww you look so sad."
"I'm happy can't you tell?" said Frownzo.
"Feel better Frownzo."
"But I feel great!"
"Aw so sad." said Doopy.

Frownzo shook off the misunderstanding because he was so happy and walked down the street. Goomba the tough street guy walked up to Frownzo.

"Hey a pretty girl like you should smile more often!"
"I am happy and I'm smiling, what the hell!"' said Frownzo.
"Hey a pretty girl like you should smile more often!" said Goomba again.
"First of all I'm smiling, and second of all I'm not a girl!" said Frownzo.
"Hey a pretty girl like you should smile more often!"
"Stop saying that!" said Frownzo.

Then a bunch of internet bloggers swarmed Goomba.

"Hey you creep you can't say that to people cuz it's bad and none of your business to say that to people!"
"Hey a pretty girl like you should smile more often!" said Goomba.
"You're going on my blog your creep!" said the bloggers.
"Hey a pretty girl like you should smile more often!" said Goomba.
"Pig!" they said.

Then a bunch of Goomba defenders showed up.

"Hey you fuckin' bloggers, Goomba is a veteran who experienced PTSD and now he can only say, Hey a pretty girl like you should smile more often! so stop shaming him!"

Then they got in a big fight and argument. Frownzo tried to walk away from it all. A person in the swarm of the mess shouted, "Hey don't be so sad!" to Frownzo.

"I feel fucking great goddamnit!" said Frownzo.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

The Most Dangerous Tuna Sandwich

Smucky went to the catered party and they had a tuna sandwich, he was looking all around and the food options. The free food was calling him.

"Hey eat me and eat lots of me!" said the loose marinated beef.
"Hey scarf me down I'm filling, and good for you, lots of roughage." said the leafy greens.
"Hey babe, do what you want with me, I don't even care." said this Tuna Sandwich that was just sitting there.
"Oh hmmm." said Smucky.

The Tuna Sandwich had piqued his interest for sure. It wasn't coming on too strong. It was a mix of not terribly unhealthy, not too greasy, but not so boring like leafy greens.

"You know you want to eat this. But also I don't care if you want to eat it or not." said the Tuna Sandwich.
"I think we have great chemistry." said Smucky.

Smucky ate the Tuna Sandwich. It was the best damned tuna sandwich he'd ever had. He thought it was real special. But then it didn't settle with with his stomach. He'd made a mistake and his was feeling ill. He got food poisoning real bad. He stayed ill for weeks and couldn't seem to shake the illness that came from the tricky Tuna Sandwich. He tried to blame the tuna sandwich, but really it was his body's fault. Not the sensual exciting Tuna Sandwich that seemed to casually call to something deep within his soul.

For years he couldn't look at any Tuna Sandwich of this style. When he'd go somewhere that had Tuna Sandwiches he have to look away and act like they weren't there so he wouldn't feel ill.

"Smucky get over those Tuna Sandwiches, I don't see what the big deal is with them anyway, they aren't that great." said a buddy of Smucky
"They must just appeal to something deep within my palette that I cannot resist. But the bad feeling I felt from before makes me know that I can eat Tuna Sandwiches no more." said Smucky in his intellectual wire framed glasses while holding a glass of wine.

Then one time he was at another nicely catered dinner event and guess what was there? Tuna Sandwiches.

"Smucky, eat one of me. Hi I always liked you Smucky and I won't hurt your stomach." said the Tuna Sandwich.
"Sorry I... I don't eat Tuna anymore."
"It's okay, I'm dolphin safe..." said the Tuna Sandwich.
"Ahhh... I better go." said Smucky.

Smucky left but he still wanted the Tuna Sandwich. Maybe he'd eat one later.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

The Bold Man's Beat

Here we are in the future, which is modern day to us, but old time to anyone reading this a long time from now. But anyway, I wanted to tell you the tale of a fellow from a long, long, long, long time ago in the bustling metropolitan days of a long time ago time.

Jerry Harry. Jerry Harry was a man who had things that everyone would think was important to do. One day he showed up to a meeting to talk turkey.

"Hey, I want to make the deal and seal the deal. You understand me?" said Jerry Harry.
"Uh.. uh.. um..." nodded Griffin.
"Are you listening?" said Jerry Harry.
"Yes yes."
"So we can seal the deal?"
"Yes." said Griffin.

The deal was sealed and Jerry made his exit. The reason Griffin was so taken off guard was that Jerry seemed so confident, but he also had lots of crumbs on his mouth. Crumbs everywhere, and he didn't seem to care. Griffin was scared to say something about it.

Next Jerry Harry had a big date with Tonya Beauty.

"This is my car I'm picking you up in."
"Thanks for driving." said Tonya.

Jerry Harry still had crumbs on his face. Tons. Tonya was nervous at first about saying something. She tried to signal, but it was too uncomfortable for her to bring up directly. Then she kept having fun even though he had a big crumb face. She went to bed with him that night and smooched him on the face. She got all those crumbs in her mouth and still didn't say anything.

Then Jerry seemed to have more crumbs on his face the next day. Tonya didn't say anything and eventually wound up marrying Jerry Harry. She was a real catch.

Jerry Harry did a bunch of other stuff and the crumbs were there with him the whole way. No one seemed to say anything. Until one big day Jerry Harry had to make a big speech on TV. The makeup lady, whose job it is to bring it up, was bold enough to bring it up.

"Honey, you got crumbs all over your face."
"I know I do. I put them there! They look cool!" Jerry said incredulously.
"You want me to take them off?" said makeup lady.
"No way, I oughta fire you for suggesting that, but I won't cuz I'm nice." said Jerry Harry.

Then Jerry went on TV and made a big important speech with crumbs on his face. The crumbs caught on and that's how crumbs on the face came to be the coolest thing in fashion here today, in the future of right now.

Friday, March 20, 2015

The Tushie Shake

Aaron and Marcie were toast of the school and going steady. They had plans to go to the big Tushie Shake on Friday. Tushie Shake mania was taking over the school in anticipation.

"I gotta get a date to the Tushie Shake." said one kid.
"My mom grounded me, now I can't go to the Tushie Shake." said another kid.
"Kids, we won't tolerate any inappropriate behavior at the Tushie Shake." said the school's disciplinary Dean.

Barbara was Marcie's friend. Barbara had a crush on Ruben.

"Are you gonna ask Ruben if he'll take you to the Tushie Shake?" asked Marcie, who had fluffy red hair.
"I'm nervous. What if he doesn't want to take me to the Tushie Shake?" said Barbara, who wore thick glasses.
"Why wouldn't he? You're gorgeous. Any guy would kill to take you to the Tushie Shake." said Marcie.
"Okay I'm gonna ask him." said Marcie.

Marcie walked up to Ruben. Ruben was always nervous. He stuffed extra underwear in his underwear to make it look like he was filling out his underwear.

"Hi Ruben." said Marcie, nervously.
"Marcie, oh hi, didn't see you there!" said Ruben pushing out his fake pants bulge to look cool. He was nervous too.
"Um.. Um.. Umm.." said Marcie.
"Um yes? Yes?" said Ruben.
"Um... Tushie..." said Marcie.
"Tushie Shake?" said Ruben.
"Yeah- I... uh... uh-oh." said Marcie.
"Oh no."
"I peed my pants." said Marcie, "I'm so humiliated. I don't even know why I told you."
"Uh... uh... that's okay."
"Now my underwear has pee in it." said Marcie.

Ruben wanted to help. He knew he was the only one who could in that moment.
"Hey. Keep it under wraps, but I have a spare pair of underwear." said Ruben, discreetly.

He then pulled his bulge undies out and gave them to Marcie. She went and changed. She felt relieved. But then she realized she forgot to ask Ruben to the Tushie Shake.

"Ruben wait!" said Marcie.
"Yes?" said Ruben, embarrassed about his lack of cool bulge.
"Will you take me to the big Tushie Shake?" asked Marcie.
"I have another date." said Ruben.
"Oh." said Marcie.
"But I think I'll ditch her for you." said Ruben.

Then they went and everyone shook their tushies and looked real cool.

Don't worry about the other date, she was someone who said she only liked people who appeared to have big big big bulges in their pants. That's why Ruben was trying to make it look like he had a big bulge. So it wouldn't have worked out well for the two of them anyway.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

The Big Bimbo

Junie Bimbo was such a bimbo that she was a big slut. All the other girls were like "Ew look at her she's such a slut!" and the dudes were like "Hell yeah she's such a slut!"

Junie slutted it up all over town and slutted her way to the top!

"This is fun!" she said.
"Hey want some money for being a slut?" said money people.
"Yeah!" said Junie.
"Can you dance?" said money people.
"No!" said Junie.
"Can you sing?"
"No!" said Junie.
"Can you do anything besides being slutty?"
"No!" said Junie
"Well here's a bunch of money anyway because we love how slutty you are with us and all our friends and obviously everyone likes it!"

"Hey we like it now too!" said everyone.
"Hey she's my role model!" said girls.
"I knew her when and she was my best friend!" said the girls who called her slut a long time ago.

One day Slutty Junie Bimbo got her private parts waxed.
"Good job!" she said to the waxist.
"Thanks for paying me all that money to do that." said the waxist.
"Money ain't not thang! I got tons!" she said.

She was excited to show off her wax job to people who wanted to see it.
"This is fun!" she said.
"Hey can we have your money?" said everyone who was around her.
"Yes!" she said.

Everyone took her money.
"This is so fun giving this money!" she said.

And she was beloved by all.

The Tooth Fairy Story

Little Pipper had a loose tooth and was exciting for it fall out so he could get a visit from the tooth fairy. But one day he woke up and didn't know where the tooth was. He didn't pull it out. It didn't get knocked out. Maybe it fell out and was on the floor or in the bed sheets. Maybe he swallowed it and it was soon to pass through his stool. Anyway the tooth was long gone.

Pipper was disappointed but he knew he had more chances with more little teeth to get loose. One day another tooth got loose. He was excited. He wiggled it all day. The next day it was looser. He yanked it out.

That night he stuck it under the pillow for the tooth fairy to come get. That's what always sends a bell to tooth fairy dispatch. There are lots of tooth fairies. p

Leo the Tooth Fairy took the call. He was worn out but needed the gig. He was rusty.

"Aw shit." he said.

Leo showed up at the house and he had to pee real bad. Usually he went beforehand but he was in a rush. And once he was rusty.

"Tooth fairyin' is a young man's game." said Leo, bemoaning his age.

He thought maybe he could grab the kid little mouth hook and get outta there, but his bladder was killing him. He was about to piss all over his tutu. So he tinkered his way over toward the bathroom at Pipper's house.

Leo took a real long pee in the kid's bathroom. He tried to pee as quietly as he could, but that prolonged the pee, because he peed so slow. Dad tiptoed from around the dark corner to listen to the pee. Not because he was into tooth fairy pee, or because he even knew it was the tooth fairy peeing, but because Pipper wasn't such a good peeboy and he'd pee his bed a lot. They were working hard to try to teach him to pee on his own.

Pipper pissed his bed again that night and Dad was confused.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Hangtime with the Boys

Spiky Haired Dan walked up to Dumpy Carl who was hanging with Whiny Voiced Moffitt. Melting Andrew walked up, melting. He wanted to hang out with these guys for a little bit before he melted.

"Hey guys I was thinking it'd be cool if we went and broke something!" said Spiky Haired Dan.
"Ooh that sounds like a lot of energy to expend." said Dumpy Carl.
"Yeah breaking stuff could make you cut yourself and I don't wanna get hurrrrrrt." said Whiny Voiced Moffitt.
"Hey guys, I'd like to do whatever you guys would like to do before I melt completely." said Melting Andrew.

A cool rock song played on the radio outside. They were hanging at a burger joint, by the way. It was a cool hang spot. Babes walked by sometimes eating burgers. The guys all shook their tushes to the tune.

"I think we should break a window or something to say screw society!!" shouted Spiky Haired Dan.

Just then, Authority Bruce walked up.
"I think if you do that I might have something to say about it." said Authority Bruce.
"Oh no it's Authority Bruce! Now we're all gonna get in trouuuuble." said Whiny Voiced Moffitt.
"No you, you whiny wimp!" said Bruce, "Just the freak!"
"Who me?" said Melting Andrew, who was melting.
"No, little Spiky Haired Dan here." said Bruce.
"Oh phew." said Melting Andrew.

Melting Andrew was insecure because he was kind of more of a freak than Spiky Dan. But Authority Bruce was more into presiding over Dan.

"I'm gonna pummel you, Spiky boy!" said Bruce.
"Oh yeah like I'm so scared!" said Spiky Dan, in a tone that let Bruce know he wasn't scared.

Bruce readied himself to pummel Dan. Then suddenly he got a look of discomfort on his face. He reached into the back of his pants. His underwear and ridden up him behind. He had to pull it out. It was very much causing of discomfort. Bruce moved his hand around in the back of his pants all over his butt to try to flatten out his wadded undies. It worked. Then he charged toward Spiky Dan, but he slipped and fell on Melting Andrew, who had pretty much completely melted. Melting Andrew was all over Bruce's pants and butt.

"Oh no I'm so embarrassed." said Authority Bruce. Then he ran off.

Melting Andrew saved the day, but everyone missed him when he was gone.
"We should have hung out with him harder." said everyone.

And that was one of many fabulous youthful memories that those boys shared together.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Bryce the Futuretime Bartender

Bryce Witherstone was a guy who had a thing in his ear and it made him not hear so well. He went and bartended on the side, but was bad at it because of his hearing.

"Could I have a drink!?" said a customer.
"Could you have dream?!? Well I hope so, R.E.M. sleep is the most important sleep!" said Bryce.
"No I want a drink!"
"Oh you want a drink! Ha. I should have known that, I'm a bartender. This happens all the time. My hearing is bad." explained Bryce.
"No problem." said the customer.

Sometimes customers weren't so friendly.

Bryce had tiny fingers. One day Bryce stuck his tiny fingers in his ear and got a hold of something. It was a thick coating of hardened fluid. He used to live in the desert and would go to the snow continent every other month for work. He had weird jobs for the ice mob that made him have to travel a lot. He was a dry town hitman and an icetown hitman. This was prior to his bartending days. But also in the future. Because in the future the only towns besides the ones Bryce bartended in were icetowns and drytowns. Glad to catch you up real quick. Anyway so he used to travel a lot to these towns and that would cause skull and skin fluid to harden. That's why his hearing was bad. Also his fingers were small because evolution.

So Bryce stuck his little fingers in his ears and gripped a hard piece of hard thing. He pulled.

"Ah! Ouch! Ah! Ooh." he said, because it hurt real bad, but also kind of felt good. He didn't know if he was doing damage or doing good. It felt like he was pulling a little bit of brain out of his head, but maybe it was like dried unused brain. That's what he thought. He wanted to keep pulling. He did. It felt good.

He kept pulling.
"Eeee, ooh. Yess!" he said.
Then Judgey Virginia walked in.
"Ew what are you doing?" said Judgey Virginia.
"Um, nothing." said Bryce, putting his hands down.
"No, I saw you yanking something from your ear and acting like it felt all orgasmic. You're gross."
"No I'm not. And no I wasn't." said Bryce.
"Yeah, you are, and I'm gonna tell people." she said.
Then she walked away.

Bryce was embarrassed and mad. He thought he'd kill her. He didn't want her telling people. Also killing was legal, this was the future and when too many people started to be on the planet with not enough resources, killing became allowed. But he still felt like killing was wrong, even though he used to do it for a living. So he fought the urge to kill her. He was a bartender now. Not a killer.

So Virginia went and told everyone he was gross. But he was okay with it because it was a ice and dry dystopian future world and everyone was gonna die and everyone's skin was bad and so what who cares what that bitch said about him, she was dumb anyway, and if she was a pain in the ass to Bryce she was probably a pain in the ass to someone else and anyone important would probably agree. The end.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Dad the Drunk

"Son." said Dad.
"Yeah, Dad."
"It me. Your drunk dad." said Dad. He'd been drinking.
"Dad I can smell the drunk on your breath."
"Don't you judge me, boy!" said Dad.
"Dad, I won't talk to you when you're drunk!" said son.
"I'm not drunk!"
"You say things when you're drunk." said son.
"I never loved you!"
"You're just saying that cuz you're drunk." said Son.

He knew his dad too well. But Dad thought he knew himself better.

"Nuh-uh, I mean it!" said Dad.
"You wouldn't say that if you were sober!"
"Well wait til I sober up and I'll prove it!" said Dad.
"So you admit you're drunk."
"Shut up and wait, you'll see I don't love you!" said Dad.

Dad and Son sat for several hours waiting for Dad to sober up. They had to wait extra long because while they were waiting Dad drank more so that added to the wait time. But then he finally ran out of stuff to drink and sobered up.

"I love you son. I'm sorry I drank." said Dad.
"I knew it." said son.
"I gotta get another drink." said Dad.

Then he found a hidden drink he'd hidden from himself and drank it.

"You think you're bette than me boy? I take back my apology, I hope you know I didn't mean it!" said Dad the drunk.
"You're saying that because you're drunk again." said son.
"Drink with your dad." said Dad, offering son a drink.
"I don't drink because you're a drunk." said son.

Then both Dad and Son stood up and walked to the foot of the stage and took a bow. The audience applauded at the dramatic play. Both actors who played Dad and Son won theatre awards for their harrowing portrayals.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Diagnosis

Johnny Burp took steps with his feet.
"Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh." he said between every step. Something was wrong.

He walked into the Doctor's office. The Doctor sat there bored, waiting for some patients to show up. He noticed Johnny Burp and was excited.

"Hi!" said the Doc.
"Hi Doc, I'm sick!" said Johnny Burp.
"Uh oh, what's wrong?" said Doc.
"That's why I came to you!"
"Okay good point!" said Doc.
"Yeah so are you gonna fix me or what?" said Johnny Burp.
"What's broken?" asked Doc.
"That's why I came to you, you bozo!"
"Hey I'm not a bozo, I went to medical school and doctors is a respected profession." said the Doc.
"Okay, okay, okay. Well let's get down to brass taxes."

The Doctor shuffled through some papers and things, pulled out some doctor equipment, and then pointed to the biohazard box.

"Don't touch that, by the way." he said.
"Oh okay." said Johnny Burp.
"It's dirty." said the Doc.

Johnny made a grossed out face.
"Eww, thanks for the warning."
"See? Doctors have your back. So trust me, will ya?"
"Now tell me what hurts so I can doctor on you real good."
"My butt hurts." said Johnny Burp.
"Let me see it." said Doc.

Johnny Burp showed Doc his butt.
"Looks like your butt is rotten and it's gonna go bad." said Doc.
"Uh oh, what do I do?"
"You ever eat chicken?"
"What do you do to keep it from going bad?"
"Wrap it in foil and put it in the fridge."
"So do that." said Doc.
"Thanks Doc, you're a good doc."

Johnny Burp went home and put his butt in the fridge and saved it for later.

Friday, March 13, 2015

The Funnies

Clem was reading the funnies.
"Pffff..." he snorted when he read a joke in one.

Durk looked up. Clem kept reading. Durk looked back down.
"P'hahahaha!" said Clem.

Durk didn't know what Clem was laughing at.
"Hm-hmmph." giggled Durk. Then he looked down and went back to his business.
"Haaaa!" laughed Clem.

The funnies were getting really good.
"What is it?" asked Durk softly.

But Clem was too entranced by the funnies to answer.
"Uh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa!" said Clem
"Ha! Hahahaha." said Durk.
"Hahahahahah this is good!" said Clem.
"Haha, tell me." said Durk.
"Hahahahahaha, man..." said Clem
"What? What? Hahahah." said Durk anxiously.

Clem took a breath.
"Ohhhhh. That's funny." and he shook his head.
"Hmmph. Sure sounds funny." said Durk.

Clem wiped his forehead. He took a sigh of relief from the hard laughing he'd done. He decided to read a little more. He thought he'd gotten through the best of the funnies. But then a big one hit him.

"HAAA! HAAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Clem.
"Hahahahahah." laughed Durk.
"Hahahahahaha!" said Durk.

Then Hessica walked in.

"HAHAHAHA." laughed Clem.
"Heh heh heh hehehhh heeeee!" said Durk.
"What's going on?! What is it tell me!" said Hessica.

Durk wiped a tear from his face.
"He's reading the funnies, I think, hehehe." said Durk.
"Oh what's funny?" said Hessica.
Clem kept laughing.

Then Hessica started laughing and more people kept walking in and asking what was funny and not finding out but laughing, until the room was full of people laughing hard. Their foreheads got sweaty and their brains relaxed. They had a tingly strange feeling from their chests up to the top of their brows. Their eyes felt better, they breathed better, they thought clearer, they slept better, and they worried less that day.

Then Andrew the analytical part-time detective and part-time blogger decided to investigate whether
the true source of the laughter was the infectious laughing energy from the laughing, or the cartoons in the funnies. He wrote a boring, humorless, pretentious article about it that made people unhappy when they read it.

Steam Street Showdown

In the dangerous city the streets were a sight. There was a turf war between rival gangs.

Johnny Earrings was the leader of his gang.
"I own this neighborhood. These are my streets." said Johnny Earrings.
"You got it, Johnny. No argument here." said the people.

Johnny Earrings was tough because he had big earrings. They were the biggest. You couldn't miss em. He wore like big hula hoops for earrings, and he was so tough with these earrings that he had to have a team of people surround him at all time, so no one would yank them. It was a very tricky scary and delicate situation. Luckily his homies were loyal. It helped that he looked very cool with these big hula hoop earrings. No one wanted to mess with a nice aesthetic.

"Yo Johnny, your earrings are looking extra cool today, bro." his street homies would say.
"Thanky. I feel it when I stroll the streets." said Johnny.
"You should feel real good and cool about yourself."
"With cool comes power, and with power comes responsibility." said Johnny.

His homies nodded their heads, but none of them were interested in growing beyond loyal protective homies. Johnny Earrings had too great of an aesthetic.

Speaking of aesthetic one of Johnny Earrings' rivals was Steamy Glistens. He wasn't threatening or dangerous at all, but he wore pink jackets with big shoulder pads, neon orange lipstick, yellow hair, and could shoot harmless blue lasers out of his fingers. He was colorful and neat looking. Unfortunately he didn't have much of a personality. But people would keep him around because of the lasers and stuff.

"Whew wunts ta meet!?" said Steamy Glistens to everyone.
"Are yew go-ang tew the gather-ang?" he'd say to others.

Soon so many people knew him, from always being around, that he was kind of made leader of the other gang.

Word got around one night that there was gonna be a showdown between the gangs. Johnny Earrings and Steamy Glistens were to dual in the streets.

Both gang leaders met in the street at the set location of Rod Blvd. and Steam Street. They both looked cool as ever. At the stroke of midnight they were to dual.

"Tick... tick.. tick..." said the clock. And click. Midnight.

But nothing happened they both stood there.

"You look pretty cool." said Johnny Earrings.
"Sew duh yew." said Steamy Glistens.
"Thank you."
"Well cool."

Then no one fought and the gang scene kinda morphed into a really progressive art scene that lasted like two years, fizzled out, and was forgotten, until someone made a documentary about it 10 years later.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Live to Sue

Koopy Greensteen was a lawyer.

"I'll sue your ass!" he said. 

It wasn't wise to mess with Koopy Greensteen. He was a tough as brass guy. He had lizard lips. He had motor mouth. He had a your ass is grass and he's a lawn mower attitude. Koopy Greensteen on the scene was danger to any stranger. He was as sue happy as it got. And he'd sue your ass. You bet your ass he'd sue it.

He didn't like a thing one time, 
"I'll sue your ass!" he said.

There was another thing he didn't like.
"I'll sue your ass!" he said

He thought a movie was bad.
"I'll sue your ass!" to the movie theater.

He was stuck in traffic!
"I'll sue your ass!" to the traffic jam.

Food didn't come out right at the diner.
"I'll sue your ass!"

He had a bad taste in his mouth.
"I'll sue your ass!" he said to his mouth.

Toothpaste was at fault for the bad taste.
"I'll sue your ass!" he said to the paste company.

"I got a pain in my ass!" he said one time.
"I'll sue my ass!" he said to himself.

Then he went to the doc.
"Fix my ass or I'll sue your ass!"

Sue sue sue sue sue. Koopy loved to sue. One time he got a client who wanted to sue someone, he sued 'em then he sued the client too! Too much sue!

One day Koopy realized the suing wasn't making him happy anymore. He didn't know what his purpose on earth was. And he died.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

How Carol and William Are

William walked and ran into Carol.

"Hi." said William.
"Hi." said Carol.
"How are you?" asked William.
"Good." said Carol.
"Now we are standing here." said William.
"Yes we are." said Carol.

They exchanged closed mouth looks with each other.

"And that's all there is." said Carol.
"Well I'll try asking how you are again." said William.
"Okay." she said.
"How are you?"

Carol started to get a feeling of feeling stumped by the question.
"I am here." said Carol.

William decided to get more specific.
"How have you been?" he asked.
"I cannot reveal all the ups and downs that I've been going through, as it will have me appear too vulnerable. And any vulnerability might be perceived as instability." said Carol.
"You're right. That answer, though an attempt to be a non-answer, was very revealing, summed up a lot, and made it appear as though you've been having a difficult time lately."
"But, see I don't know that that would be accurate." said Carol.
"Too bad there isn't enough time to hear all about it. Now I have to go!" said William.
"Well before you go, I should let you know that I haven't been having too difficult of a time lately. Just ups and downs. That's not so interesting, but hey it's my life." said Carol.
"Ah, even though this has been a short exchange, I now feel like I have a very clear idea of how you have been lately."
"Oh good, but hey you didn't reveal much about yourself to me in this exchange." said Carol.
"I know, I asked most of the questions, didn't I?" said William.
"That's sneaky. I'll have to ask you the questions next time I see you." said Carol.

Then they parted ways. Carol ate a crumbly cookie then went and made love to a man she knew. William drank some alcohol and talked on the phone with his son, who lived with his ex-wife.

The Served Customer

Howard Howard had to call the customer service people on the phone. They weren't very helpful.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, sir." said the customer service lady.
Then Howard said a bunch of frustration talk.
"I understand your frustration, but sorry." said the customer service lady.
"I don't think you do!" said Howard.

Then they talked in circles for a long time and Howard wasn't helped. Then he started screaming about supervisors and how it was unfair and he screamed and screamed. Then the customer service lady hung up on him or they got disconnected or something.

Howard pulled out some hair and held a bunch of anger inside of his body. It ruined his next twenty three minutes.

Then Howard's telephone rang again.

"May I speak to Mr. Howard please?"
"Speaking." said Howard.
"It's the customer service lady, I checked out a thing and I'm sorry about the disagreement and we are gonna take care of the thing."
"Oh wow thank you I'm sorry for yelling earlier."
"It's no problem Mr. Howard Howard."

Howard wasn't really sorry for yelling. It got him what he wanted, which is what he felt was fair. He had gotten his way from yelling and throwing a fit. What a successful performance. Though he had gotten his way he still felt jittery and shaky all day. Because he had unleashed so much rage. What a strange conflict this was. 

Howard tried yelling and throwing fits to get his way for other things in life but instead it just alienated people. He once also tried yelling at a crooked picture he was trying to hang to get it to straighten out. It didn't work either. Then Howard learned to reserve the yelling fit for times where it was called for.

Monday, March 9, 2015

New Friends Meet

Lionel met Gooser to have a good chat. Gooser wanted Lionel to like him. Lionel didn't really want to meet Gooser but put on a friendly face. Gooser was nervous but doing his best impression of a cool relaxed guy.

They started out with simple small talk before ramping into anything of substance.

"Lionel has the word lion in it." said Gooser.
"Yep and Gooser has the word goose in it." said Lionel.
"Don't maul me. He he..." said Gooser.
"He he..." said Lionel.

They tried chatting about mutual interests. Gooser thought he'd sway the conversation in a direction to show his expertise and taste. He spouted out a controversial opinion to make an ally of Lionel.

"Don't you think that Smippers are overrated? I feel like I was never into Smippers and Smippers are like so big and always talked about..." said Gooser.
"I think you're not giving Smippers enough credit. I quite enjoy Smippers." said Lionel, casually.

It seemed to backfire. Lionel was not about to bond with Gooser over a dislike of Smippers. Gooser started to wonder if Lionel knew or was somehow involved in Smippers. Gooser felt he should have thought out his proclamation more before saying it. The foundation of Gooser's Smippers opinion felt rocked as well. Why did he even care about Smippers? Gooser conceded a subtle backpedal.

"Oh, I mean more the early Smippers was the stuff I wasn't into. Recent Smippers, yeah, it's pretty good."
"Mmm..." said Lionel.

Gooser quickly changed the subject. He thought he'd try to win Lionel over a bit more by making him laugh. They both liked laughing. That was something they had in common.

"Could you imagine a guy wearing a flea collar? Ha!" said Gooser.
"Ha yeah that would be something." said Lionel.

It seemed to work. Lionel continued to hold a friendly and pleasant expression on his face. They chatted some more. Then Lionel nonchalantly, or perhaps purposefully nonchalantly, to make a show of it, glanced at his watch.

"Oh do you have to leave?" asked Gooser.
"Oh I do actually in a few." said Lionel.

They wrapped up their conversation and walked along. Gooser continued to chat with Lionel. Lionel nodded and was friendly. But he was secretly trying to contain a rage inside, from the need to shake Gooser. But Gooser kept walking with him. Lionel could take it no more. He darted his hand out and made an anxious overly grinny expression,

"Well bye!!" said Lionel.

Gooser got the picture.

"Oh yeah, bye." said Gooser, as he shook the hand. Then Lionel turned the other way and got the hell out of there. Gooser worked real hard to never act like he wanted anything again. Everyone after that thought Gooser was real cool. Then once he had all the people thinking he was cool he started confessing that he wanted a bunch of stuff. Some of the people found it overwhelming some of them were like "Whatever Gooser, you're cool anyway and I want things too."

Sunday, March 8, 2015

The Seeds of True Success

One day a lot of a long time time time ago, Gurbler was walking in the woods around all the woodiness.

"All these trees! A lot of wood!" said Gurbler.
Then a ding ding ding hit his head.
"Wait a second! No one has thought of wood!" said Gurbler real loud.
"I'm a genius!" he said to himself.

In case you're lost, this was so long long ago that wood hadn't been invented yet. And Gurbler was the first to think of it.

"And all this wood is free!" he said. That part was a plus.

Gurbler started making stuff out of wood. He made a lot of profit and his family raked in the benefits. He got old and died. His family inherited the wood business. His son Jammy took it over.

By this time many people started making wood. So Jammy revolutionized the wood business by turning the wood into specific wood things. Like wood dressers. And wood tables. And wood wooden things. Jammy was already rich, but he made more more more money for his rich family. Others made money by making wood tables too.

Jammy and fam were pissed because people had ripped off the wood, now they were ripping off wood tables and things. Jammy eventually died and was very rich anyway. Jammy's son Danner took over. Danner was rich too because of inheritance.

Danner noticed that the wood tables were always splintery or rough.
"Hey Dad, how bouts we put like a nice sheen shine finish on these tables so they don't feel woody and rough?" said Danner.

Dad was dead so didn't respond but Danner felt in his heart it was the thing to do. He made a lot of money off the sheen shine finish. Then people started ripping him off. Then he had a kid, and the kid was a deadbeat who didn't do shit, so he lived off the tons of family money.

Then families and friends across the world started putting their mugs on their fine sheen finishes and ruining them.
"Don't put things on my table!" said people with tables
"Oh sorry." said mug havers.
"Don't you know if you set something on the table it makes a ring?"
"I'm just now starting to learn." they'd say.

Then one day Fanny invented the placemat and coaster. Fanny made tons of money and people started to rip her off. But she was a smart business person. She set in place a serious patent and the coaster and placemat business began to run the country and maybe even the world. They could not be touched.

By this time Danner's deadbeat kid's kid had patented the fine sheen finish, and it also became a very powerful company that could not be threatened. They worked closely with Fanny's company to find ways to stay in power. And it all meant lots of money for Fanny Corp and Danner Jammy Gurbler and Son Co.

It was a powerful partnership. The bigger the table, the more wood used. The more wood used, the more finish needed. The more finish needed, the more coaster and placemats necessary to prevent mug rings.

"Why are rings on tables still an issue in this modern age?" said some Jeff Tuckington, a scientific solution maker with no relation to those corporate biggies, in the year 2015.
"Hmm I never thought about it." said everyone.
"It seems we should be able to eliminate rings." said Jeff.
"I haven't thought about it." said frivolous spender Jim.
"I'm gonna figure this out." said Jeff.

Jeff went and researched and experimented. He found a natural non-toxic element that could be applied easily to wood to give it a nice finish and most importantly would be completely resistant to mugs being placed on it and leaving a ring. It was a mug ring-free finish! Jeff was a genius. This would render the finish, coasters, and placemats nearly obsolete!

"...And that's my pitch!" said Jeff to the patent office, after pitching the idea and practicalities to the patent office.
"Sounds great!" said the clerk, smiling, "just get me back that paper work by Tuesday and write your address on this piece of paper." said the clerk, slipping Jeff a piece of paper.
Jeff walked out of the room. The clerk picked up a telephone and spoke into it,
"Code Magenta." he said.

Jeff walked home elated.
"Honey I made a great pitch and have the paper work in my hand! Let's fill it out together." he told his wife on the phone. And then pop! In an instant Jeff was sniped dead by a big burly war hero programmed to snipe by a mysterious unnamed corporation, or two.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Jimmy the Chew

Jimmy the Chew chewed a slice of gum and yum it was good gum and he chew chew chewed it up. It got so chewed up that Jimmy the Chew chewed all the flavor out this slice of gum.

"Hey Jimmy the Chew I see you chew chew chew on the gum gum yum gum. How bout ya spread the wealth?" said Tony the Taker.
"You got it, Tony the Taker." said Jimmy the Chew.

Then Jimmy the Chew patted his pockets all over, his breasts, his hips, his butt bottom, his sides. And uh oh, if you ever seen one, but Jimmy the Chew was out of gum chews! Not a slice to his name.

"Uh..." said Jimmy.
"Well where's my slice?!" said Tony the Taker.

Tony the Taker just liked to take. He never provided. He just took took took. Well naturally Jimmy the Chew was getting anxious about this. Not only did he not have an extra chew for Tony the Taker, who was more like Tony the Entitled, for how he acted, Jimmy himself was running out of flavor in his chewed up gum chew.

"I, uh... I'm outta gum chews."
"What the hell!?? No more gum? What a bum!" and Tony the Taker took off.

Jimmy didn't know he was better off without Tony the Taker. No one liked Tony the Taker, everyone had a bad experience with him. But everyone was also too insecure to talk about it with one another. Had they piped up they'd have learned that Tony the Taker was nothin' but a grubby taker who didn't bring nuttin' to the table but taking. And who needs that?! So Tony rose in the ranks of people, preying on peoples resources and social fears.

Tony was temporarily out of Jimmy's hair... but the next big problem for Jimmy was he had no flavor left in his gum chew. And no new gum chew left in sight.

And on top of that. He was a polite guy and respected establishments, so he wasn't about to plug his flavorless gum onto the bottom of a seat. And even more on top of that, there wasn't a trashcan near by, he thought about swallowing the gum, but you know the notorious superstition. He knew better, but still wasn't gonna swallow it cuz... superstition.

Then Judy the Lifesaver walked up, smackin'!
"Hey Jimmy!" said Judy.
"Judy, I see ya smackin' can ya life save me, with an extra slice??"
"Uh course!" said Judy.

Judy whipped out a cinnamon flavored stick. It wasn't Jimmy's preference but it would have to do. He got a new stick and a mini-paper to plug his flavorless stick into. He was safe and saved. Though he still had work to do on himself about not feeling pressure from people like Tony.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

The Milkshake Chat

Frank walked into Don's Diner.
"Gimme a shake!" said Frank.

Don shook Frank's hand.
"No I want a milkshake!" said Frank.

Don sprinkled powdered milk from a salt shaker on Frank.

"What's that?!" asked Frank.
"Shaked milk!" said Don.
"It looks like salt." said Frank.
"It's not. You want salt?"
"No I want a milkshake!"
"We're out of milkshake."
"Damn." said Frank.

Don pointed back to the kitchen.
"But we have ice cream, and milk, and big metal cups and a milkshake maker." said Don.
"Then give me a milkshake!"
"Buddy you deaf, I just said we're out of milkshake!"
"Make a new one!"

Don held up the salt shaker with milk flakes in it.
"You want salt?" he asked.
"I thought that was shaked milk flakes."
"It looks like salt though, don't it?" asked Don.
"No, don't it!"
"Don't what? How do I don't something?"
"I don't know, but doesn't this look like salt?" said Don, holding the salt shaker full of powdered milk.

Frank looked at the shaker.
"Yes, I guess."
"Take it. I heard salt in a milkshake gives it an interesting taste." said Don.
"That's not even salt!" said Frank.
"What's it matter to you? We don't have milkshakes anyway!" said Don.
"Well I guess I'll leave then cuz that's what I wanted." said Frank.
"Okay try again tomorrow!" said Don.
"Okay I will."

This was the nine hundred and sixty seventh time they'd had that conversation. Frank came back the next day and had it again with Don.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Bub's Ride

Bub was drivin' in his car. He didn't like the thoughts swimming in his head. Then he remembered he had a good radio. So he turned it on. But this radio actually wasn't that good.

"What the krap!" said Bub.

It was just bad stuff. The first station was some music station in a language he didn't understand.

"Buoy yoba puoy yabba de yob yo de yob yo de yeeeeey bah!" said the station.
"Ah what the hell is this?" said Bub.

Then he changed it.

"Hey baby, let's dance all night!" said the next station.
"This song stinks!" said Bub.

Then he changed it again.

"Oooh oooh I feel you, oooh!" said a sensitive slow song.
"Sissy wimp stuff." said Bub, as he changed it once more.
"The best deals on Hondas!" said the next station.
"Change!" said Bub.
"The best deals on furniture!" said the next station.
"Change!" said Bub again.

A loud guitar solo came in on the next station.

"Ah not in the mood." said Bub.

He normally liked a good rockin' solo, but it wasn't the right time for it. So he changed it. The next station was an old hit song that everyone loved. He was relieved to hear a classic hit. The hits are always fun to listen to.

"I don't wanna be lonely, baby! I don't wanna be lonely, girl!" said the hit song.

Bub sat there for a few seconds with the hit song playing. He got restive.

"Ah, ya know what I'm sick a this song." said Bub, as he changed it again.

The song was just so familiar that it didn't challenge him. Too familiar. Bub changed the station, and changed the station, and changed it some more. He couldn't find something that he wanted to hear. Then he started thinking about how mustard tasted funny but good and how it was so strange to him that people put it on so many sandwiches. Whose idea was it to start putting mustard on stuff? Then he realized a station that didn't speak English had been playing for about five minutes and he didn't realize it.

"Tay yobba de yobbo de yobwa de yehhh buoh!" said the other language station.

Then Bub shut off the radio and sat with his mustard thoughts in silence. His thoughts drifted to subjects like ski resorts, goat rodeo, why do we need belt buckles?, and were Stegosauruses mean...


The movie theater was full of people.

Colleen sat next to Henry, who sat by Jyrampha, who sat by Bompor, who didn't know any of the those people. Bompor sat by Futzy, who was friends with Yoloda, who sat two rows back. Yoloda was one of those people who seemed nice but really wasn't. And Moco knew it more than anyone.

"Aren't you offended that you went to the movies with Yoloda and Yoloda didn't even sit by you?" said Moco to Futzy, two weeks later.
"No, I've come to expect that sort of thing from Yoloda." said Futzy.
"Well I don't think that Yoloda is very nice." said Moco.
"Yoloda seems nice to me." said Futzy.
"Hmm..." said Moco.
"Besides I got to meet Bompor whom I'd never met before. Meeting people can be nice." said Futzy.
"That's true." said Moco.
"Did Bompor know Jyrampha or Henry?" asked Moco.
"No. Bompor didn't know any of those people or me. Yet Bompor sat by all of us."
"This is all so fascinating." said Moco.
"Yes I am really enjoying this conversation." said Futzy.

Then Yoloda walked in the room.

"I know you guys are talking about me." said Yoloda.
"No we weren't." said Futzy, trying to deny it.
"It's okay. I seem nice. Maybe I'm not nice. Either way, I'm confident and that's a quality that people like. I also just like sitting alone at the movies if I have the option. Even if I go with a friend. And my good friends know not to take it personally." said Yoloda.

Moco felt a wad of metaphorical egg on his face. Guilt spread through his core for being so judgmental. Yet, here's the catch. Moco's gut was right. Yoloda was really mean, but pulled one over on Moco, who had originally had an inclination that Yoloda was mean, then felt like he'd judged Yoloda prematurely without enough information.

"Did you like the movie the other week?" asked Moco, trying to make conversation.
"I was getting a lot of text messages that I had to reply to, so I had a hard time following it." said Yoloda.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Belligerent Drawing

Georgey Poo made a drawing of a face of a man. It was a pretty just okay drawing. He looked at the drawing.

"I'm not that great!" said the drawing.

It's true. It wasn't that great of a drawing. It was kind of lazy and wasn't aesthetically interesting in an amateur way or an advanced expert sort of way. It was just bla mediocre blank blah bad.

"Aw man, I tried." said Georgey Poo.
"Well you coulda done better." said the drawing.
"Coulda? The word is could've or could have. Don't be so lazy with your speech."
"I'm lazy because I was drawn lazy." said the drawing.
"Aw man you got me where it hurts." said Georgey Poo.
"Yeah I went for the jugular, don't mess with me." said the drawing.
"Are you dangerous and a must be stopped kinda guy?"
"No I'm not like power hungry or anything, your drawing skills don't have enough depth to draw that." said the drawing.
"Aw man it hurts again."
"Well you better get better at drawing." said the drawing.

Georgey Poo went and took some drawing lessons. He worked hard and had a stern teacher who taught him skill.

"Find the darks!"
"Draw what you see!"
"Don't draw from memory!"
"Take risks!"
"Love yourself!"
"Give me a quick tickle!" were all some of the things the drawing teacher said.

He was a controversial teacher with strange methods. But Georgey Poo got better.

One day Georgey Poo drew another drawing.
"Hey I'm pretty good." said the drawing.
"Cool, thanks." said Georgey Poo.
"Much better than that bad one from way back before." said the drawing.
"Hey!" said the older meaner drawing.
"You should throw that drawing away, it wasn't very good." said the new drawing.
"Okay I will." said Georgey Poo.

The old drawing chimed in, "Wait wait I know I'm bad but but but but---"
"Riiiip!" said the the paper of the drawing being ripped in half by Georgey Poo.

Then he threw the mean mediocre old drawing in the garbage and erased the measurement of his progress.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

The Plan to Get the Thing

Graham Crackerhead wanted to get a thing and he wanted it real bad. Oooh it was a good thing. His life would be so fulfilled once he got the thing. But was he gonna get the thing? That was the big question.

"I got the urge to have the thing someone help me ooh." said Graham Crackerhead.
"I'm not gonna help you get the thing." said Doozus.
"Aw what a meanie." said Graham Crackerhead.
"Better make another plan." said Doozus.

So Graham Crackerhead hatched a big plan to do it. He had a piece of paper that was rolled up and he unrolled it onto a table. The paper listed all the plans. It was a good way of laying it out. He asked his friend Bobo to help.

"No I don't wanna." said Bobo.

This was a major setback for Graham Crackerhead. Now he would have to do it without Bobo's help. Graham Crackerhead got tired and took a nap, while he napped the housekeeper and janitor of the office he was living in came and put the big plan in the paper shredder.

"Oh now I'm so discouraged I want the thing so bad and I keep not getting it." said Graham Crackerhead.

Graham Crackerhead walked down the street trying to organize new ways to get the thing he wanted. While he was walking he bumped into a love interest. She sure was pretty to him. But not to others in the world, but Graham Crackerhead was also strange looking and his standards of beauty and chemistry were different than the rest of the world's. He and his love interest had chemistry sparks.

"Cmon, love interest, let me take you home and introduce you to Grandma Crackerhead."
"Okay." said the love interest.

She was definitely love interested. Graham Crackerhead told love interest about the thing he had to have.

"I don't like that thing." she said.
"This ruins everything, oh no." he said.
"Boo hoo." she said.

Graham Crackerhead was heart broken. He was further away from the thing than ever and now he didn't have a love interest. All his plans and support systems for getting the big thing had failed. He was sad.

He stayed sad for a long time. Then someone told him a funny joke and he laughed at it.

Planet Disgusto

Gravel Mouth walked up to Scabman.

"Hey Scabman." said Gravel Mouth as gravel fell out of his mouth.
"Hi Gravel Mouth." said Scabman whose body, head, hands, fingers, butt, teeth, and eyelids were covered in one big thick giant scab.

"I've got this oozy pus filled sore I wonder if you know anything about it." said Gravel Mouth, as he dribbled more gravel on the ground.
"Hey be careful. I might slip on that gravel!" said Scabman.
"Hey you be careful, I'm sensitive about comments about the gravel that falls out my mouth." said Gravel Mouth.
"Oh great, suddenly everything is all PC now." said Scabman.
"Quit pickin' on me!" said Gravel Mouth.
"Pickin'?!" said Scabman.
"How dare you say pick to me!?" said Scabman.
"You pick!" said Gravel Mouth.
"I don't pick!"
"Oh I bet you're a big picker!"
"That's why you don't heal, and you're all scab!"
"No I am all scab, there's nothing to heal!" said Scabman.
"You're way too defensive." said Gravel Mouth, as more gravel fell out his mouth.
"You're too sensitive!"
"Anyway, back to this oozy pus filled sore." said Gravel Mouth.
"What about it? I didn't do it." said Scabman.
"I need advice."
"Just let it scab up and see what happens." said Scabman.

Then a pint of pus shot out of Gravel Mouth's oozy sore and hit Scabman in his scabby arm.

"Ouch!" said Scabman.
"Ew sorry." said Gravel Mouth.
"The force of your pus cracked my scabby arm, now I have to wait for it to scab over!" said Scabman.

Then the both of them started slipping on gravel, like two sneaky criminals foiled by marbles on the floor in the dark.

"Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop!" they said as they tried to keep their balance. Then they fell on the ground, getting gravel and pus in their sores and scab cracks.

"Guess we better learn to be friends if we're gonna survive life on this crazy planet." said Scabman.
"I hope we learn to celebrate our differences." said Gravel Mouth.

More gravel fell out of his mouth.

"I have a lot of regret in life."
"Me too, I hope we learn from our poor choices." said either of them.