Saturday, December 24, 2016

Secret Secret Secret

Shrimpy leaned over to Bloke.

"Hey can I have a secret?" said Shrimpy.
"Um, okay here." said Bloke. "Hasasassa..." whispered Bloke.
"Oooh!" said Shrimpy.
"Now can I have one?" asked Bloke.
"Yeah, here." said Shrimpy. "Sasahassa..." whispered Shrimpy.
"Gasp-wow!" said Bloke.
"How about another?" said Shrimpy.
"Okay!" said Bloke.
"Pssp-sspss-pssp!" said Shrimpy.
"Eeee!" said Bloke.
"Here's another!" said Shrimpy, "Shashasha!" Shrimpy whispered.
"Oh my wow!" says Bloke.
"Okay I'll take another!" said Shrimpy.
"Faffa-faffa!" fiffered Bloke.
"Wow that's good." said Shrimpy.
"You think so?" said Bloke
"Yeah and here's mine too." whispered Shrimpy,
"Thank you for sharing." said Bloke.
"Got knee-more a yours?" said Shrimpy.

Bloke didn't think he did. Then he thought for a second and got a real zinger of one.

"Wow okay, here's another." spilled Bloke.
"Yum-yum wowzo that was so good!" said Shrimpy!
"Wow I'll give you another!" blorted Bloke.
"Thank you-thank you!" shammered Shrimpy!

They were giddy as gittle girls!

"Yee heehee this so fun. Want another?" asked Blokeboy.
"You know I do!" said Shrimp!
"How about another?" says Bloke.
"Sure!" said Shrimpy
Bloke saspispered another!
"Okay one more?" said Bloke.
"Yes please." said Shrimpy.
"What you think of this?"
"Ooh I like it's good thank you."
"How bout this here?"
"Ooh it's terrific love what you've done with the place."
"And this one?"
"Baby, baby, that's smokin!"
"Here how about this ol' dandy?" confided Bloke.
"Oh my gosh, you sly devil you." said Shrimpy.
"Yeah yeah and here." said Bloke.
"Thank you." said Shrimpy.
"and here..." said Bloke.
"Thank you."
"and here."
"Thank you."
"and here."
"Thank you."
"Hey you wanna gimme some more secrets now?" asked Bloke, panting.
"I'm actually out of secrets."
"But I have all yours."
"And all mine were made up anyway."

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Military Hero Terry Schwartz

Military war hero Terry Schwartz had a hairy back and tight shorts. He was grizzled and gruff and tough and stuff and his shorts rode up his buttocks, and tugged at his shirt tucks, which was tucked deeply into his under. Underneath his gruff exterior was fear, but from ear to ear he wore a cocky smile especially when fighting and killing at war. It was an act. "The horror." he mumbled through his smile amidst a pile of bodies he'd maimed.

"Terry Schwartz you're too tough here's a medal of honor. Put it on. Or don't. Wanna donut?" said the Superior military guy who gave him a medal in front of a lot of people. He liked sweets.

"Terry we need you to do one more mission." said the President.
"I can't do it you scumslurper!" said Terry, who talked to everyone like that.
"Hey I'm the President." said Pres.
"Don't care." said Terr.
"Well this sets a new precedent." said President.
"Didn't you have other people to ask?" asked Terry.
"How bout money?" asked Pres.
"Lemme ask my wifesworth." said Terry.

Terry called his wife Mrs. Kissy Sissy. Who accidenty was kissy withy the neighbor Don Pimples. If Terry found out he would pop Don Pimples in his face. But you can't blame Kissy Sissy for needing some acutainement while Hairy Terry was off being a violent hero.

"So we need you to jump out this plane and storm a village." said Pres.
"Don't want to but will do it for a money, honey." said Terry.
"Okay sweetie you better Bee good." said Pred.
"This pressure sure stings." said Terry.
"Duhn-duhn-duhn!" said an orchestra.

So Terry got into his secret mission plane wishin' he was not, his military suit was hot. His nervous legs rattled and tried to relax and told jokes to each other, like
"What'd the thigh say to the calf?"
"Don't cross me!"
"Ha ha ha, I get it, cuz people always cross their legs." they said to each other. They were muscularious.

It was jump time. Terry said some Hebrew gibberish and jumped. He disappeared in mid-air. Where did he go? Did he die? The Presididn't know and the wife didn't care where. She was just happy to get the money and she fake cried at a memorial service but was so happy she was able to run away with Don Pimples and cheat on him with the pool table boy.

"Looks like you need another need cue." he'd say everyday.

Pres didn't take any responsibility for Terr's disappearance because it was embarrassing for all. But he named a military base after Terry and called The Militerry Base Place. And there was a statue of him disappearing in mid-air that they paid an amateur artist to make, whose career took off afterward. Everyone seemed happy about what Terry's disappearance brought about, except Terry who was disappeared and maybe evaporated or exploded or imploded or abducted by femaliens.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Baby Captain Diaperman Sails the Sea

Baby Captain Diaperman was the brave leader of the ship that sailed the sea. He started sailing the sea one day and the sea was his to take.

"I'll just sail a little of the sea." said Baby Captain Diaperman.
"I'm not so hard." said the sea.
"Good job sailing." said the crew.
"Gee this wasn't so hard." said Baby Captain Diaperman.

Captain Diaperman thought he'd sail a little bit more.

"It's kind of fun." said the crew.
"I'm getting good at this." said Captain Diaperman.

So he sailed more and more. For a while. Then the sea got deep. The waves got rough. The rain rained hard. Pee-Wee Tinkletips drowned. He was the eager swabber, who you'll never get to know about.

"I miss Pee-Wee." said Stoogey Dooter, the fourth mate.
"It's your fault he's gone Captain." said Juggso, the ship drunk.
"I'm doing the best I can!" said Baby Captain Diaperman.

Then he shoved Juggso overboard and Juggso got kissed by a mythical sex water creature then eaten by a mythical whale. What a whale to go. But he's another fella you won't get to know better.

All Baby Diaperman had to do was get to the end of the sea. His crew was turning on him. One by one he stabbed the crew, or pushed them overboard or they kissed his butt to save themselves, he also defended himself from mutiny. He was actually a pretty good captain, but he thought he sucked because some days the sea was hard and no one on his crew seemed to be interested in the work he'd put in to become captain.

"I heard his dad and mom were captains so that's why." said Noodles, who liked to gossip. It wasn't true, though, just to let you know.

One day Baby Captain Diaperman woke up and his whole crew was gone. Were they eaten? Did they take a getaway boat? Had he killed them all? Were they ever there to begin with? They were, don't worry. But that was certainly a thought that went through Diaperman's head. You think of crazy things while at sea and the loneliness was getting to him.

"I should give up." said he said.
"No you're so close to the end of the sea." said the sea.
"But so what?" whined Baby Captain Diaperman.
"No wonder they call you Baby." said the sea.

That's right, the future dictated his nickname.

"Anyway I'm gonna quit." he said.
"Don't you wanna find out what's at the end?"
"It's just a little bit more."
"Ahhh okay..." moped the big Baby Captain.

Baby Captain Diaperman got his hopes up about what was at the end. And at the end was a reflection of himself. And at the end of that were expectations. And at the end them was a new beginning. And at the end of that was a journey. And at the end of that was an anticlimax.

Your Mom

Hey what's up? I was talking to your mom and she was like "Oh please let me come over and put my finger up your butt!" and I was like "No way, get out of my face lady."

Then I went and met my friend Carl and Carl was having some trouble showing some emotion, that's why his wife Kkukyudilya left him. Because Kkukyudilya stayed married to the fool for five years and he wouldn't show any emotion and was too busy trying to look cool.

"Are you sad?" I asked him.
"Naw." said Carl with a stiff face and dead eyes. But he was clearly concealing his pain from being unable to show emotion.
"Why can't you show emotion, Carl?" I shouted at him. Because I care.

Then Carl's brother Hershel walked in.
"I'll tell you why he can't show emotion. It's because of our mother. Our MOTHER damnit!" said Hershel. Then Hershel started crying.
"What!? Well why are you so emotional right now?" I asked.
"Because I went to therapy and talked about my mother."
Carl just held still and stayed tough. "Mom's cool." he said.

Now this a very funny coincidence because, remember how I was talking about your mom? Well it's funny because Carl and Hershel's mom is good friends with your mom. And I went home after I was at Carl's and your mom had broken into my house and stripped down to her underwear, thrown about 4 sticks of butter in her panties because she said "butter makes things better" and she stomped on the kitchen floor demanding I let her put her finger in my butt. She said it was the only way she could get any satisfaction.

So what choice did I have? You're my friend and I didn't wanna be disrespectful to your mom. So I said "Okay fine." So I stood there and your mom got on all fours and crawled over toward me, simultaneously greasing my floor with butter, which I was going to have to pay a Ukrainian hitman with a very reasonably priced cleaning service to come over and wipe up. Side note, he give you discounts if you give referrals. So your mom is crawling toward me with her butter knees and she pulls down my pants and puts butter all over my butt then put her finger in it. It was a little annoying because I had to watch my favorite show called The News. But Chet Fussburg my favorite anchor was on leave and Tip Lochendale was filling in for him. So my first thought was that it wasn't going to be a good episode, but before it started your mom took her finger out of my butt, stood up and said "Thank you." then walked out the door.

So she was gone and I forgot to pull my pants up until the mailman came over and was like "Hey is that the new style?" and I was like "Huh, what? Oh. No, my friend's mom came over and pulled them down and put her finger in my butt." and he was like "Oh cool, here's your mail."

Then I turned on The News and before my very eyes was Tip Lochendale doing a news story about your mom putting her finger in my butt, except they didn't even say my name even though I'm half the story. And I was like "Hey! I didn't know she was gonna go tell the news about this!"

She was just using me to find a reason to have something interesting to talk to the news about. What an attention whore. I never confronted her about it, but I did feel kind of used. Then I got over it.

Anyway, tell your mom I said hi.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Dumb Chicken Humor

The dumb chicken was like "I'm fuckin' stupid."

Then it walked around some and laid like 30 eggs and was like "I don't give a fuck about these eggs. Guess I'll just sit on 'em for a while though." Then a second chicken clucked up and was like "Hey I'm fuckin' dumb."

"I'm fuckin' dumb too." said the first chicken.
"I'm fuckin' stupid." said the second chicken.
"Me too too." said the first chicken.
"Me too too too." said the second chicken.
"I don't know shit." said the first chicken.
"I eat sometimes." said the second chicken.
"Sometimes I sit on these fuckin' eggs." said the first chicken.
"What if you lose them or someone takes them?" asked the second chicken.
"I don't give a shit." said the first chicken.
"Me neither." said the second.
"I guess more will come out my chicken hole." said the first chicken.

Then the chickens did some stuff like eat some seeds and pecked at stuff. The third chicken walked up, he was real dumb and cross-eyed too.

"Hi I'm dumb as shit." said cross-eyed chicken.
"Do you know what 1 + 1 is?" asked first chicken.
"No." said cross-eyed chicken.
"Me neither." said first chicken.
"I don't even know what 1 + 1 means." asked the cross-eyed chicken.
"I've never even heard of it." said the first chicken.
"Do you know how to cluck?" asked second chicken.
"No." clucked cross-eyed chicken.
"Me neither." clucked the first chicken.

Then the scared chicken walked up but kept a safe distance.

"Hey I'm dumb." said first chicken.
"Hi I'm stupid." said second chicken.
"Hey I'm stupid, why don't you come over here?" asked cross-eyed chicken.
"I'm chicken." said scared chicken.

Jim Trainer Blows It

Computer Wimpo lifted the weights and his muscles got big. He walked into the cool gym and Jim Trainer said "Hey what happened, did you drink milk?"
"No dummy I pumped iron, you of all people should know that." said Computer Wimpo.
"I knew it I knew it." said Jim Trainer.

Then word got out that Jim Trainer didn't know it and everyone said "Don't train with Jim Trainer, train with Wimpo!" 

And Jim Trainer was mad and sad and bad about it. But look, here's the deal, all the loser follower people went and followed Wimpo to having him be their trainer and guess what already! They didn't get very well trainered and wound up being a bunch of putzes. And the whole place was crawling with wimpy weaklings.

Jim Trainer was sad still but didn't realize that he coulda kept up and started like a new trainer biz or job or help assistance thing. 

"Jim you been training everyone lately?" said Horpus.
"No." said Jim Trainer, moping.
"Why not?"
"Cuz I'm not a wimp."

Then Jim Trainer went and ate a bowl of ice cream and got fat and depressed and didn't train anyone except for people who needed help eating ice cream.

"Like that. Like that. Like that. There. That's good. Lick the ice cream." said Jim Trainer as he trained and demonstrated how to eat ice cream better and more often, to other lazy depressies who didn't train.

Now Jim Trainer just eats ice cream and he's fat all the time and everyone in the world is a wimp. And it's all because Computer Wimpo made him be embarrassed.

Jim Trainer planned to make a big comeback and get some revenge but then instead he just ate a bowl of ice cream. Then he finished the bowl but decided it wasn't enough so he went back to the fridge and scooped some more of the ice cream into the bowl he had. He felt like it was a good idea. 

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Steer Clear of Exhaust Man

Exhaust man was exhausting and it was cuz he coughed and coughed in everyone's face and they got blown with gusts of cough exhaust and it made them cough and drop to the ground from chokeness.

"Cough cough cough! I need a cough drop!" said Grant Pant as he dropped to the ground.
"Now you got dirt on your pant, Grant!" said Jammy, who coughed too from Exhaust Man.

Then the cough drop bomb got dropped by a big bomber plane and it and landed in the courtyard of the hangoutty place they all hang outted in.

"Crack!" said the cough drop hitting the ground. Then all the coughers ran and sucked on it.
"Hehe you suck." said Exhaust man.
"The cough drop cured our cough!" said the coughers.

Then Exhaust man got all maudlin "Hey guys hey hey.... I hope you guys aren't like mad at me. I mean I just want friends and see my mom always tried to make me have friends but I didn't get em because I tried too hard and listened to my mom instead of my heart and now I've separated myself from that toxic mom environment, cough cough, but now that I've done all this personal work on myself I really really really would like friends, so like would you think you could like like to be my friends?" said Exhaust man then he coughed clouds of exhaust everywhere.
"Sure. We got to run now though." said Grant Pant and Jammy.

Then they walked away far.

"Man Exhaust man is exhausting." said Jammy. 
"True." said Grant Pant.

Then Jammy whapped his head on a street sign "Ow!" he said, and it split his head open and jam leaked out of it and dribbled on Grant's pant. Then Peabert walked by and hit his head too and peanut butter leaked out of Peabert's head.

Grant Pant got some peanut butter and jelly on his pant.

Then Squishy Licky walked up and wanted to come lick it off the pants but Grant Pant was like "You're a pervert!" even though he was secretly into it, but there were too many people watching for Grant Pant to enjoy it publicly. 

Then he changed his mind and told himself that he should allow himself to enjoy the things he enjoys, but then Exhaust man came up and coughed all over the peanut butter and jelly dribble, ruined the taste, scared off Squishy Licky, and was like "Sorry I hope I didn't ruin anything or everything cough cough."