Monday, August 31, 2015

Your Mom

Hey what's up? I was talking to your mom and she was like "Oh please let me come over and put my finger up your butt!" and I was like "No way, get out of my face lady."

Then I went and met my friend Carl and Carl was having some trouble showing some emotion, that's why his wife Kkukyudilya left him. Because Kkukyudilya stayed married to the fool for five years and he wouldn't show any emotion and was too busy trying to look cool.

"Are you sad?" I asked him.
"Naw." said Carl with a stiff face and dead eyes. But he was clearly concealing his pain from being unable to show emotion.
"Why can't you show emotion, Carl?" I shouted at him. Because I care.

Then Carl's brother Hershel walked in.
"I'll tell you why he can't show emotion. It's because of our mother. Our MOTHER damnit!" said Hershel. Then Hershel started crying.
"What!? Well why are you so emotional right now?" I asked.
"Because I went to therapy and talked about my mother."
Carl just held still and stayed tough. "Mom's cool." he said.

Now this a very funny coincidence because, remember how I was talking about your mom? Well it's funny because Carl and Hershel's mom is good friends with your mom. And I went home after I was at Carl's and your mom had broken into my house and stripped down to her underwear, thrown about 4 sticks of butter in her panties because she said "butter makes things better" and she stomped on the kitchen floor demanding I let her put her finger in my butt. She said it was the only way she could get any satisfaction.

So what choice did I have? You're my friend and I didn't wanna be disrespectful to your mom. So I said "Okay fine." So I stood there and your mom got on all fours and crawled over toward me, simultaneously greasing my floor with butter, which I was going to have to pay a Ukrainian hitman with a very reasonably priced cleaning service to come over and wipe up. Side note, he give you discounts if you give referrals. So your mom is crawling toward me with her butter knees and she pulls down my pants and puts butter all over my butt then put her finger in it. It was a little annoying because I had to watch my favorite show called The News. But Chet Fussburg my favorite anchor was on leave and Tip Lochendale was filling in for him. So my first thought was that it wasn't going to be a good episode, but before it started your mom took her finger out of my butt, stood up and said "Thank you." then walked out the door.

So she was gone and I forgot to pull my pants up until the mailman came over and was like "Hey is that the new style?" and I was like "Huh, what? Oh. No, my friend's mom came over and pulled them down and put her finger in my butt." and he was like "Oh cool, here's your mail."

Then I turned on The News and before my very eyes was Tip Lochendale doing a news story about your mom putting her finger in my butt, except they didn't even say my name even though I'm half the story. And I was like "Hey! I didn't know she was gonna go tell the news about this!"

She was just using me to find a reason to have something interesting to talk to the news about. What an attention whore. I never confronted her about it, but I did feel kind of used. Then I got over it.

Anyway, tell your mom I said hi.

1 comment:

chris said...