Sunday, November 30, 2014

The Sneaky Monster

The Sneaky Monster came and scared the kid at night.
"Wahhhh" cried the kid.

The Sneaky Monster scared many kids.
"Haw haw haw haw!" he laughed.

The Sneaky Monster kept scaring kids until the kids, parents, and everyone just decided it would be best to ignore the Sneaky Monster.

Kids and folks went about their business. They'd play and eat and run around and be polite to people like nice kids do. One time the kids were playing at a playhouse. Sneaky Monster came around.

"Rahhh!" he said.

The kids kept playing. They didn't really pay him much mind. One kid, who was pretending to be a Notary, when the kids were playing Notary Public, had to walk to his table to get his imaginary stamp ink pad. The Sneaky Monster was standing in the way going "Rahhhh!" and the kid just walked around him, grabbed his imaginary ink pad, and went back to notarizing imaginary documents with the other kids.

Sneaky Monster didn't know what to do. He started coming around and just hanging out, but he would still get ignored. One time the kids were playing Customer Service and the Sneaky Monster tried to return an imaginary product but the kid pretending to be the main customer service representative just said "Next in line please." and the other kids passed Sneaky Monster by.

"Anybody wanna play DMV?" asked Sneaky Monster, "I'll be the DMV Lady!" he said.
None of the kids responded to him.

The Sneaky Monster was feeling left out that no one was including him in their fun time.
"Hey why's everyone seem to not like me? That don't seem fair." said the Sneaky Monster.
Everyone ignored The Sneaky Monster.
"Hey you guys! You guys act like you don't even care about me!"
Everyone ignored Sneaky Monster more.
"Hey! I really mean it this time! Why you all give me the cold shoulder!?"
"Because you scared us all, you jerk!" said kids.
"What, no I didn't!" said Sneaky.
"Fine. I'm not going to argue with you about whether you scared us or not. I've got newspapers to deliver!" said one kid, then he went back to playing Newspaper Carrier.

The Sneaky Monster got all huffy and puffy. Sneaky Monster thought because people stopped acknowledging that he was being sneaky and scary that maybe they forgot and he wouldn't have to deal with his behavior or apologize. He was real indignant about it.

The Sneaky Monster went and found some more kids to scare and the other kids went about their lives having learned a valuable lesson to avoid Sneaky Monster types.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

The Ultimate Teamwork

One day a many big rocks fell from the sky and landed in front of the secret building out in the middle of nowhere. People would go to the secret building to get certain projects done.

Smartypants was working in the secret building that day. So was Muscleman. So the rocks fell just as Muscleman and Smartypants were reaching for the door handle to open and go inside.

"After you." said Muscleman.
"Oh you're very nice." said Smartypants.
"This door is heavy." said Muscleman
"Oh I'm sorry." said Smartypants.
"I'm just kidding, I could hold it all day."
"Oh hehe, that's funny." said Smartypants.

The two of them shared a moment as Muscleman held the door. They smiled at each other. That's when the rocks fell.

One rock fell and bopped Smartypants in the head. He fell down and held his head in pain. Another rock fell and knocked Muscleman to the ground. Then more rocks fell and blocked the doorway. Then even more rocks fell and covered Muscleman's body. It all happened so fast and his reflexes were slow because of the first initial fall he took.

Smartypants came to and stood up, his head still in pain.
"Oh no!" he said, as he looked to the ground. There was a giant pile of rocks completely pinning Muscleman to the ground. And blocking the door.
"I'm stuck." said Muscleman.
"My head hurts." said Smartypants.
"We've got to figure out a way out of this pickle." said Muscleman.
"Normally I'd have lots of smart ideas, but my head hurts." said Smartypants.
"Normally I'd muscle these rocks out of the way, but I'm stuck and don't know much beyond muscles!" said Muscleman.

Muscleman and Smartypants were in a situation where they had to work together. Only Muscleman was hurt so he had to use his brain and Smartypants had a headache so he had to use his limited muscles!

Muscleman would have to think of a plan while Smartypants would have to execute the heavy lifting.
Smartypants starting taking one rock off at a time because he was weak muscled. It was taking a long time.

"Hey Smartypants! I think there's a back entrance." said Muscleman.
"Oh yeah I forgot! Good thinkin', but how will I get in?" asked Smartypants.
"Think you can open the door?"
"I'll try."
"Hey wait I got another idea!"
"What is it, Muscleman?"
"When you get inside immediately to the right is my locker room. The locker has no combination because I'm bad at memorizing so just open the locker with my name on it and grab the big bottle of muscle oil!"
"Okay!" said Smartypants.

Muscleman didn't know about much, but he knew about muscle oil and all things muscle. So his expertise in this area was paying off, given Smartypants' temporary head handicap. Smartypants lumbered his way into the back and got the muscle oil. Muscleman told him to pour it into the rocks so it would oil everything up and he'd be able to slip and slide right out from under those rocks.

"Great idea!" said Smartypants.

Smartypants poured all the oil on the rocks and oiled up Muscleman's neck. The plan seemed like a great idea but it didn't work. They were stuck there for a while.

Blank Canvases Discuss Art

The Blank Canvas sat at the art supplies store in a pile of other blank canvases, just waiting to be purchased.

"I hope someone buys me and paints a masterpiece on me!" said the Blank Canvas.
"Slow down there, little fella!" said Old Blanky, a blank canvas who had been unpurchased for years.

Old Blanky was the canvas in the back collecting dust. He was turning slightly yellow because he'd been sitting there a while.

"Why?" said the Blank Canvas.
"Well, why ya in such a rush to get bought?" said Old Blanky.
"Because I want an artist to make a wonderful piece of art on me!!" said the idealistic Blank Canvas.
"Your prospects aren't great, kid." said the Cynical Canvas.
"Why?" said Blank Canvas.

Cynical Canvas and Old Blanky were real discouraging.

"No one who comes through this shop makes it very far." said Old Blanky.
"Don't expect more than a miserable high schooler making a brooding amateur piece of a dead flower, or a white hair retiree practicing a hobby." said Cynical Canvas.
"Well I'll bet I'm gonna be painted on by a master!" said Blank Canvas.
"Hey kid, if you're here then you probably ain't gonna be painted on by a master. This is a chain art supplies store. A master's gonna go somewhere expensive. Or build his own canvas." said Cynical Canvas.
"Except to maybe break our wood and slash us down the middle for a conceptual piece about wastefulness, where that's the whole point. Nooo thank you!" said Old Blanky.

Blank Canvas thought. He realized he needed to adapt to the real world but didn't want to his upright attitude to be completely sucked into the darkness.

"Hmm, well is it really our job to critique artists? We're just supplies who have no place passing judgement!" said Blank Canvas.
"Any way you cut it, there's no way out of here with your dignity intact. Either you're gonna be a part of some no-talent's lousy process, where they eventually give up, or you're gonna sit here and never touch any shade of color." chimed in Existential Pessimist Canvas, who had been sitting quietly.

"Existential Pessimist Canvas! You haven't spoken in ages!" said Old Blanky.
"You're basically just echoing the sentiments of what we've been saying." said Cynical Canvas.
"Well, maybe I wanted to be heard too." said Existential Pessimist.
"Well, so do some of the amateur artists that might buy us!" said Blank Canvas.
"Sounds like vomit!" said Cynical Canvas.
"Suppose you get your way, no one ever buys us, and we stay here til the world ends. We'll be here, totally blank, white, unused and wasted. You want that?" said Blank Canvas.
"Now you're speaking my language." said the Existential Pessimist.
"It's not going to make a difference whether we hang on someone's krap wall with gaudy strokes wiped on us for years then get sold, stored, or trashed, or if someone burns this store to the ground. We're still just krap takin' up space." said Cynical Canvas.
"You're right, there is no point to anything. What a waste." said Blank Canvas.

Blank Canvas's spirit had been broken. He sat and sulked with the rest of them.

Suddenly he got grabbed and bought by a performance artist who took a shit on him that night at a live show. The performance received rave reviews that compared and likened art supplies to human waste.

Blank Canvas was no longer blank and had cool indie cred.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Thanksgiving Hard

The family was having a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone was there. Dad was having a blast.

"Can't wait to carve up that gobble gobble gizzard!" said Dad.
"Ew not the gizzard!" said Daughter.
"Honey, stop! That's a silly joke." said Mom
"Hey Dad, can I help carve?" asked Son.
"No way! That's my job, ha ha." said Dad.

Dad started carving the turkey slices. Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle, Aunt, and Cousins began to set the table and bring out all the warm dishes.

"Yum!" said Cousins.
"Everything looks so good I'm gonna gobble it up!" said Uncle.
"Ha ha ha, you're too much." said Aunt.
"Get it?! Gobble it up?" said Uncle to Son and Daughter.
"Yes we get it." They said.
"I used to be the one who did the turkey carving!" said Grandpa.
"Let's say a nice prayer." said Grandma.
"I'm definitely gonna eat too much." said Uncle.
"Ooh, excuse me a moment." said Dad.

Uncle's comment about eating too much reminded him that he had to go use the bathroom before eating, and also to unbutton his top pant button in advance, so he would not feel too much discomfort when he over ate all the food they had purchased and cooked. Dad walked upstairs and into the bathroom. He looked in the mirror.

"You're a handsome Dad and Thanksgiving is going great, this year." he said to his reflection. Then he sat on the toilet.

A few moments later, he was still on the toilet. From downstairs he heard a slight commotion. He pulled up his pants, and buttoned the top button, which was not his plan. He ran out to the foot of the stairs and peeked down. It was terrorists! They'd invaded the wholesome family home on Thanksgiving.

"We want zeh gravy." said the Foreign Terrorist Leader. The other terrorists surrounded the house, except for upstairs were Dad was secretly watching.
"Where ees zeh head of zeh house?" asked the Leader.

"Everybody relax I'll handle this." whispered Uncle, to the rest of the family.

"Babe, Listen." schmoozed Uncle, "the head of the house was a deadbeat Dad, took off, hit the road. But, uh, I can give ya what ya want. You want stuffing? Dark meat? White, very popular right now. Cran-babies? I can even give ya some of the pie. But listen, that's my favorite part, so uh, what do ya say we split the pie, you and me? Fifty-fifty? Sixty-forty? Eh??"

The Foreign Terrorist Leader shot Uncle in the head and blew his brains out.
"We ah here for gravy! Lots ahf gravy." said the Leader, again.
"We only have one gravy boat full! Two tops!" said Mom.
"Please! Leave us alone." said Grandma.

Dad went crawling through the house's ventilation shaft and into the attic. The terrorists didn't know he was there so he was able to surprise them one by one and kill them all. Dad got one of the terrorist's machine guns. Dad's shirt got real dirty, but he kicked some major Thanksgiving Day terrorist butt. The Leader figured out that Dad hadn't hit the road and was killing all his terrorist henchmen. So he said he was going to kill Mom if Dad didn't show up and give him more gravy.

Dad ran into the Terrorist Leader in the bedroom and the Terrorist Leader pretended to be a family member with an American accent to trick Dad.
"Oh god, you are one of them aren't you! Don't kill me!" faked the Terrorist Leader.
"Relax I'm not gonna kill you." said Dad.
"Oh good, you must be the Dad. I'm your cousin Jerry. I just want some yummy gravy. " faked the Terrorist Leader. But Dad knew that he didn't have a cousin Jerry.
"You don't fool me!" said Dad. Then he punched the Terrorist Leader in the neck and threw him out the bedroom window where he fell to his death, by impalement.

Dad had saved the day and killed the terrorists. What a great dad!

"Alright everybody let's eat!" said Dad.
"What about all these dead bodies?" asked Son.
"First we're gonna have us a nice Thanksgiving dinner, we earned it and we deserve it!" said Dad. Then they ate way too much and unbuttoned all their top buttons.

One of the terrorists on the floor was still alive but he bled out and was dead by the time they served pie.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Bloartina and Fern Keep a Secret

Bloartina and Fern were a loving married couple. Bloartina had freckles, short shaggy hair, and wore denim button up shirts even though she was a lady. It's how she expressed herself. Fern had really frizzy and fluffy hair. Fern was kind of meek and quiet as well. As if she had a secret.

They would hold hands and give each other tiny little single kisses on the lips.
"This is the woman I love!" Bloartina would shout to the world, as she squeezed her arms around Fern.
"He he." Fern would say.

They had a nice big dog named Duffo. Duffo was a funny doufus. His color was black and white and brown and merl, which is like grey. He would run around chasing his ball or his squeak toy. They kept a collar on him because they were responsible.

"Honey!" said Bloartina.
"Yes dear." said Fern.
"I love running my fingers through your pretty hair." 
"Thank you sweetie."
"And I love putting my hands on your hips." said Bloartina as she put her hands on Fern's hips.
"Thank you baby." said Fern.
"And I'm gonna give you anything you need if you need, you just let me know."
"I will, sweet stuff."
"And ain't this the best big doggie you ever seen?" said Bloartina about Duffo.
"Roof!" said Duffo, then he ran away and shook his doufus doggy butt.

They had such a nice happy relationship. They would have conversations like this all the time.

One time Bloartina and Fern went to pick up some snacks at a convenience store. They walked there with Duffo on a leash, because they were responsible. Bloartina went inside for the snacks and Fern waited outside with Duffo.

Bloartina grabbed a big bag of chips. A creep showed up and tried to rob the place. He pointed a gun and knife at the store clerk.
"Gimme the money, everyone be cool. No one gets hurt!" but he had a crazed look in his eye like he might hurt someone. Fern watched from outside.

"Hey don't do that, young man!" said Bloartina.
The creep turned around.
"Shut up lady!" he said. Then he put his knife in his gun hand and punched Bloartina. Bloartina's arms flew up and she fell backward into a chips stand. 

Suddenly the creep dropped his weapon, the gun went off when it dropped but luckily it only hit the slushee machine, which sprouted a fountain-like slushee stream. His arms stiffened and his eyes rolled back into his head. The creep's forehead started to sweat, swell, and bubble. His cheeks started to make a slappy jiggle noise. Duffo barked from outside, his ears were hurting, the poor doggett!

The creep rattled and shook and made a constipated face. The racks in the store moved backward and screeched against the floor. Then the creep's head exploded and his body collapsed. The red blood and brains mixed in with the slushee colors and it was pretty.

Bloartina looked outside to see Fern go from an intense stare to an overwhelmed sigh and relief. Fern had used her rare extra sensory technique to disarm the creep and make his head explode. No one else knew about it except for Bloartina. Bloartina seemed like the tough one of the two but it was secretly Fern. This was their little secret. Duffo the dog was safe too.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014


Scary Jerry woke up one morning, turned to his Big Wifey and said
"I want dinner!"
"It's breakfast time!" she said.
"But I want dinner." 
"You just had it a few hours ago."
"I want it again."
"Well I ain't makin' it for you."
"Please!" said Scary Jerry.
"Okay," said Big Wifey, "but first I got to go to work."
"Oh boy!" said Scary Jerry.

Then Big Wifey left the house for work. She would not return until later in the day. Scary Jerry realized that Big Wifey had tricked him. She wasn't going to make him dinner this morning. She was going to go to work, go about her day, then come home and make him dinner at dinner time.

"Damnit!" said Scary Jerry. 

He walked around his house.
"Someone should make me some corn, and roasted chicken, and potatoes!" he said. "That's dinner food!" he continued.

He went around town to scare some people.

A kid came walking up the street. 
"Hi Mister." said the kid.
"Rahhh!" said Scary Jerry.
"Ahhh!" said the kid, and he ran away.

Scary Jerry went to the car shop where Big Wifey worked.

"This car's real good. The motor is tough like a horse with lots of power." said Big Wifey to a man listening.
"Okay, okay, I like the sound of that. Tell me more."
"Rahh!" said Scary Jerry as he jumped out to frighten the man.
"Ahh!" and the man ran away.
"Hey." said Big Wifey.
"Hi!" said Scary Jerry.
"I was workin' that guy good." said Big Wifey.
"Well where's my dinner?!"
"Go home and figure out how to make some dinner! In fact, if you don't go home and have some dinner ready for me by the time I get back home I'm gonna pulverize you." said Big Wifey.
"Uh oh." said Scary Jerry.

Big Wifey was the only one who was tougher than Scary Jerry. He immediately transformed into Wimpy Jerry.

"Ha ha ha. Now beat it, wimp!" said Big Wifey.
"Okay, what ever you say don't hurt me." said Wimpy Jerry.

Wimpy Jerry kept his head down, his shoulders slumped, and his bottom tightened. He took tiny fast steps on his way home. He had no idea how to make dinner for Big Wifey but he knew he had to get home to figure it out.

On his way home the little kid walked up to him and said "Rahh!"
Wimpy Jerry got scared and responded with an "Ahh!", then he scampered all the way home. Like a little wimp.

Wimpy Jerry got home and made himself a crappy dinner. It tasted bad. He wasn't good at making dinner. Then Big Wifey came home and made dinner for the both of them. Wimpy Jerry wasn't that hungry because he'd already eaten crappy dinner. But he was too wimpy and scared to tell Big Wifey he wasn't hungry. So he ate it anyway. He should have just eaten breakfast in the morning that way he would have enjoyed the better dinner.

A few days later Wimpy Jerry forgot he was a wimp and went back to being Scary Jerry until Big Wifey turned him into Wimpy Jerry again.

Marriage, am I right?!

Monday, November 24, 2014

Daniel's Yogurt Journey

Daniel the Fellow didn't know anything about physics. He went walking to find a person who did.

He found Sheryl.
"Do you know anything about physics?"
"No." said Sheryl.

He found Max.
"Do you know anything about physics?"
"No." said Max

He found Barbie.
"Do you know anything about physics?"
"No." said Barbie.

He found Pang Lao
"Do you know anything about physics, Pang?"
"No." said Pang Lao.

He found Gutso the Wobbler.
"Do you know anything about physics?"
"No." said Gutso.

Across the street from Gutso was a man with a mailman uniform on.
"Excuse me, do you know anything about physics?" asked Daniel.
"No." said the person with the mailman uniform.

Daniel went and asked his grandmother.
"Grandma, do you know anything about physics?"
She didn't respond, she was ill.

Daniel went home and sat in his house. There was a knock at his door. He answered it. It was a man. The man spoke.
"Hello I am a sex offender and I am required to tell you I moved into the neighborhood."
"Do you know anything about physics?" asked Daniel.
"No." said the sex offender.
"I thought the door to door thing wasn't true about sex offenders, you just have to register." said Daniel.
"Well that's not what my parole officer told me." said the sex offender.
"Oh. Well thanks for stopping by."
"I think there was a school teacher a few blocks down. Maybe he knows something about physics."
"Oh, thanks for letting me know." said Daniel.

Daniel went and knocked on everyone's door in the neighborhood in hopes of finding the school teacher.
"Hi I'm not a sex offender. I just wonder if you know anything about physics." said Daniel.
"No." said some people.
"Get out of here, pervert!" said others.
"Hi Daniel!" said those who knew him.

He didn't find a physics teacher, only a speech and debate teacher who didn't know anything about physics.

Daniel went walking around the town. Passing stores all over. He passed a frozen yogurt shop. He passed a book store. He passed a goofy guy with a Slushee. Daniel stopped the Slushee guy.
"Excuse me. Do you know anything about physics?"
"Hmm." said the Slushee guy. Then the Slushee guy threw his Slushee and it splattered against a tree, "I think it's got something to do with that," he said, "but I'm not sure."
"Oh. Why did you waste your Slushee, just for that question?" asked Daniel.
"It was a suicide gone wrong. I should have just stuck to red flavors." said the Slushee guy.

Then Daniel lost interest in physics and got some yogurt.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

The Big Detective Murder Case

Detective Fakes and Detective Bender were investigating a murder. Someone had died and they had to figure out who did it. The looked for clues around the crime scene. Upon looking all around the crime scene it seemed they had some clues.

The murderer had left the clues behind. Detective Bender was a real good trained detective.
"We should check out this clue and follow it." he said.
"That sounds like a good plan." said Fakes.
"We should check out the other clues and follow them too." said Bender.
"I would do the same thing." said Fakes.

The detectives had forensics specialists analyze the data. When the data came back, all the clues pointed in the direction of a bad guy.

Detectives Fakes and Bender knew they had to find the bad guy, so they looked up addresses that were listed under his name. There was only one. They went there.

The detectives approached the suspect's address cautiously. They were prepared for anything. The premises were surrounded by other cops in case the bad guy tried to flee.

The Detectives knocked on the door. The suspect answered. He was the guy they were looking for. Fakes and Bender arrested him. He didn't put up a fight.

They took him to the station and told him all the evidence they had that he did the murder.

"That's a lot of strong evidence. I guess I was pretty sloppy this time." said the suspect.
"This time?" said Fakes.
"I mean..." said the suspect.
"You mean to say you did other murders?" said Bender.
"You got me. Man I really slipped up twice." said the suspect.
"Definitely." said Fakes.
"I shouldn't have said 'this time'." said the suspect.

The bad guy confessed to the murder and some other murders. He went to prison for murder. Justice was swift and everything was nice and tidy. It was sad those people got murdered but the detectives were happy they caught the bad guy. There wasn't much action after that.

The next day at work Detective Fakes brought in a couple of sandwiches for Detective Bender and he. They had a great dressing on them that gave them a unique flavor. They ate the sandwiches and waited for another murder to happen.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

The Catchy Tune

"Hey I got this song stuck in my head." said Buzz.
"What's the song?" asked Mandy.
"I won't tell you."
"Why not?'
"Because then it'll be stuck in your head."
"What if I like the song?" asked Mandy.
"Okay, it goes doot-doot-dee-dee-dee." sang Buzz.
"Doot-doot-dee-dee-dee." sang back Mandy.
"Yep that's that one."
"Oh no, now it's stuck in my head too."
"Oy vey, well at least we're together in this! Right?" said Buzz.
"But I don't like you like that." said Mandy.
"Oh that's not what I meant. I only like you as a friend."
"Oh oops." said Mandy
"But now my feelings are hurt because of your assumption."
"Oh, I didn't mean to assume that you wanted to be with me like that. I was just protecting myself. But I'm also a little embarrassed for jumping to conclusions." confessed Mandy.

In budged Zachard.
"Hey you two lovebirds, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. And I've got to say that, first of all, that song is now stuck in my head, doot-doot-dee-dee-dee!" he sang. "Secondly, I think you two have great chemistry. Give each other a try."
"Well I told her it was an infectious song." said Buzz.
"It definitely is." said Zachard, "Doot-doot-dee-dee-dee!" he sang.
"Hey, I don't like how you called us 'lovebirds', you should mind your own business." said Mandy.
"Yeah that makes me uncomfortable too, Zachard." said Buzz.
"Why were you listening in on our conversation, you creepo?" said Mandy.
"I wasn't listening in, you're actually a loud talker. And you're actually a loud singer." Zachard said to them, "So it was hard to ignore."
"I do talk too loud!" said Mandy.
"And I can't help but belt it out." said Buzz.
"You two really belong together." said Zachard.
"Mind your own business!" said Buzz and Mandy.

Then Zachard started singing,


In walked Gludge. "Hey are you singing that doot-doot-dee-dee-dee song? I heard it from another guy walking down the street. Then I turned around and the guy's head exploded. Then I switched on the radio and it intercepted the report. And every channel started playing it, or having someone sing it." said Gludge, "I think that song might be dangerous." Then Gludge stopped what he saying and started singing "Doot-doot-dee-dee-dee." Then his head imploded like a rotting pumpkin and juices squirted out his ears.

Buzz and Mandy got scared for their lives and started kissing and having sex, consensually. But more like sensually. Zachard turned and watched like a creepo.

Then the song spread across the whole state, and people traveled and it went to other states, and spread more, because it was actually a clever mind control and population control device. Then news stories were flooded with news of this stupid song and not news of other stuff. But it also spread so far that it created peace, unison and human control. Man and womankind gave up their freewill in order to obey the catchy doot-doot-dee-dee-dee! song brain massage.

Except for Buzz and Mandy, and those who made love so much and forgot the song. Zachard also forgot the song because he stood in the corner watching. And the news people who reported on the dangers of the song had to have sex and make love on TV so they could focus on delivering the news and not sing the Doot-doot-dee-dee-dee song.

The only people who survived the great Doot-doot-dee-dee-dee mind control epidemic were perverts and pervert watchers. That's right. They had to make or watch their sick pervert sexlove right out there in public, in order to block out the catchy Doot-doot-dee-dee-dee tune.

Friday, November 21, 2014

A Comb for Two

Grandy loved his comb. He walked down the street holding his comb in front of him with pride. It made him feel good having something he liked. He really wanted everyone to like him.
"What a great comb." said Grandy.
Smidge walked up.
"Hey can I borrow your comb?" said Smidge.
"Please I got a tangle."
Grandy looked up at Smidge's hair and it was full of tangles, crust, and little dots. Grandy didn't know what to do. He didn't want his prideful comb to touch all that crud and crust. But he didn't want to give Smidge a reason to dislike him. He stood there for a second with worried eyes.

"Cmon, give with the comb!"
"But I..."
"Comb hog!" said Smidge.

Grandy started nervously licking his lips.
"You got somethin' against me clearing out one little tangle?" said Smidge.
Grandy's eyes zoomed and focused into Smidge's scalp. Smidge had more than just one little tangle. It was a scalp jungle in there. Filled with utter madness and chaos. Grandy had to think quickly.

"My comb has sick germs on it. From me using it too much!" said Grandy. Phew that was close. No one wants germs.
"Hey brother, your germs are my germs! We are all dying and going to hell anyway, right pal?!" shouted Smidge. Grandy's eyeballs frowned.
"I ain't askin' for us to rub urethras together... yet! Ha ha ha ha. Just want to use that fine lookin' comb." Smidge continued.

Grandy's shoulders dropped and he extended his comb hand one inch, in defeat.

"Thanks Partner!" said Smidge, as he snagged the comb and started ripping it into his grimy scalp. Crud flakes flew left and right. Elastic stringies tugged at the comb, trying to absorb it into Smidge's head. The sounds of a carpet being torn in half rang around the street.

"I think I got it!" said Smidge, "say while I've got this sucker, might as use it on my ARMPIT!" he continued. Smidge reached the comb under his big loose t-shirt and started shredding his armpit with the comb. "Ahh, what a relief!" he shouted. "Say while I'm knockin' these pesky tangles out, might as well get at one that's been buggin' me IN MY UNDERWEAR!" Smidge crammed the comb into his pants and wiggled it around. "Ahhh, feels great!" Smidge yanked the comb out of his pants and extended it right back into Grandy's face. "Here ya go, buddy! See that wasn't so bad."

Grandy was catatonically sad. Smidge picked up Grandy's hand and placed the comb in.
"Hey you're a real good buddy, buddy. I like you. Gotta go, bye!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Cheese Goes Away

Blandorf had a big pile of cheese. He was so proud of it.
"Hey." said Vulvo.
"What?" said Blandorf.
"Can have a cheese?"
"This cheese is in a pretty good place. I don't know if I want to mess with it."
"Ahh I don't know. You're really pressuring me to mess with this cheese, and I really like how it is right now." said Blandorf.

All the sudden The Weather Channel came on.
"It's expected to get really hot in a couple of minutes." said the weather man.

"Hey, did you hear that?" said Vulvo.
"Yeah what about it?" said Blandorf.
"Well it's gonna get hot."
"Yeah so?"
"So your cheese is gonna melt. Because it will be hot."
"Oh shoot well let's turn on the AC. Quick."
"We should just eat it."

The Weather Channel came on again.
"It's going to be really hot, turning on your AC will only help a little bit." said the weather man.

"AC won't help! C'mon let's let the cheeses melt. It'll be fun!" said Vulvo.
"But the cheese is perfect now!" said Blandorf, with maniacal eyes.
"It wasn't meant to stay that way! said Vulvo.
"It can be preserved!" blurted Blandorf.
"The cheese was meant to evolve."
"The cheese must stay how it is!"
"There's more cheese!" said Vulvo.
"Help me save my cheese!" said Blandorf.
"Cheese is fleeting, man." said Vulvo.

Blandorf shoved Vulvo and stood in front of his cheese, guarding it. Vulvo fell to the ground.

"What happens when you die? You think someone's gonna take care of your cheese? It's gonna melt, rot or get eaten!" said Vulvo.

Blandorf had real control issues.
"I guess that's just some real precious cheese." said Vulvo.

All the sudden it got real hot.

The cheese melted and it made a cheesy stringy blanket of thick white and yellow cheese. It looked like it was alive and going to engulf Vulvo and Blandorf.

Vulvo took a bite and pretended the cheese was a monster swallowing him.
"Oh no save me, he he." said Vulvo, jokingly.
Blandorf was so upset.
"That wasn't your cheese to take a bite of." said Blandorf.

Then a bunch of cows showed up.
"The cheese isn't actually yours to claim, Blandorf. You should have eaten it when you had a chance. Now your chance is over."
"Who are you?"
"We're Jesus Cows, from heaven!"
"What do you guys do?" asked Vulvo.
"We teach people good lessons. From heaven!"
"Not me ya don't!" said Blandorf.

Blandorf was wearing a red sweater because it was almost Christmas time. A bull was standing across the street and he was looking at Blandorf through the window. The bull got real mad because of Blandorf's red sweater, so he charged Blandorf and bull dozed through the house and window, stamping all over Blandorf and the melted cheese blob.

"Whoa that was scary." said Vulvo.

Then the bull saw the leader of the Jesus Cows from heaven and fell in love. He made love to the cow and they had a bunch of little cows. One of them went on to be very successful and attended cow college and invented College Cheese.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

It Was All a Dream

Paul Crabdale opened his eyes and looked around. He couldn't believe what he saw. It was his home!
"It was aaaaaall a dream!" he said.

He sat there in his bed wearing his pajamas. Next to his wife.
"Honey! It was all a dream." he said.
His wife was still asleep, "I'm still sleeping dear." she said.

Paul had just had a real effective, long drawn out dream. The dream was very thorough like a fun television show series, or a wild trippy movie, with very specific and developed quirky characters. Paul couldn't believe so many elaborate and scripted-seeming twists and turns could go into one dream. The dream seemed to go on forever. Like seasons. He was sure he was living inside a beloved sitcom or something. But no, it was just a single night's sleep.

Paul went to work that morning.
"...And then he said a joke about a stick of butter!" said Marcie at work.
"Ha ha ha ha! So funny." said Byron.
"What are you talking about?" said Paul.
"We're talking about a funny joke on my favorite sitcom." said Marcie.
"Oh! Well I just had a dream, and I was certain was real. It was like a sitcom, or show, or movie! Can you believe that?"
"Neat." said Byron.

Byron and Marcie were bored by Paul's dream story.

Paul tried telling five more people that day about his dream. They'd get bored too, because most of the time when someone tries to tell you about their dream you get bored and can't follow, unless you're a therapist.

As hard as he tried he could not get someone to give a shit about his dream that turned out to be all a dream. Paul eventually forgot the dream. Because dreams are hard to remember.

Thirty years went by. Paul would go on to develop a heroin addiction, abuse his wife, isolate his son, and accidentally set fire to a government building. 

Paul woke up and he was a beloved beer drinking character with a potbelly on a delightful little sitcom.
"What!? It was aaaaall a dream!!"

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Robots In Charge

The Robots came and started helping people do everything and then they got really smart. They got so smart they outsmarted all the people and started running everything. Only a few people had a problem with it.

The Robots outsmarting people was such a slow and smooth transition that most people actually enjoyed it. It made things easier for them, they claimed. First Robots were like "I can help make this process easier." People thought it was nice and cool and actually paid the Robots money to let them run their lives.

Some people donated their human flesh and tissue to Robots, so Robots could look more like people and make it easier on people who didn't like people, but wanted a Robot who looked like a person. They would also have sex with that person-looking Robot. The Robots didn't complain. Hard to tell who was more in control.

Eventually people didn't have to donate their flesh to attach onto Robots. They could donate their stem cells, and flesh and organs could be grown and taped on. People had to donate their stem cells in order for this. Even more eventually the stem cells were just taken, not donated.

Robots were able to access lots of information about most anything, and quickly, without learning it. It was already documented on a vast database they could share between them. People were jealous because they had to learn.

Robots offered an information stick were people could trade the information Robots had access to. Some people wanted to become Robots. Robots eventually offered implanting these devices in human baby brains at baby birth. This made it easier for humans to see the information Robots saw without having to learn it. Eventually these baby implants were mandatory.

One guy named Jerry plotted to go back in time to kill the inventor of Robots and save humanity.

The inventor of Robots was Squirty, who got shoved around by Beefboy and Mutthead. Beefboy and Mutthead were good at throwing a ball to each other. Everyone thought they were the coolest because of their ball throwing skills.

Squirty always isolated himself in his room. He plotted to invent Robots as revenge. He knew it was a lot to take on and he'd have to spend a lot of time on it.

It took a couple of hundred years but Beefboy and Mutthead turned into the biggest laughing stock losers around. And Squirty was a hero because he invented Robots.

Anyway back to Jerry, who is plotting to go back and kill Squirty with a time machine. He had a time machine building plan, but because you couldn't do anything today mechanically, without using Robots, and without Robots knowing about it, Robots easily found out about the time travel, and the plot to kill the inventor of Robots. Robots were everywhere. These Robots had sophisticated algorithms programmed in them that simulated worry and fear. So they got worried and took action against Jerry.

Robots went back in time to kill Jerry. They weren't concerned about the course of their actions because they have no real feelings, so those Robots really messed everything up.

Jerry died, the time machine went to all these places that shouldn't have been messed with, Robots got dropped off everywhere, the wrong people got born, somehow another Jerry showed up, the Robots were like "We thought you were dead!" Jerry explained it but it was confusing, people started mutating, Robots went back in time earlier and because they had those stem cell grown organs they could impregnate people and the people would grow into Robots.

The Robots went and gave birth to babies and bread them make more Robots. They even gave birth to Squirty. Squirty was actually a Robot all along. It was just a big time loop and the Robots kept going back and giving birth to Squirty so they could be invented again, insuring their survival.

Maybe they were from another planet. Maybe Jerry was even a Robot and the whole thing was like a fun dance. Hard to say.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Herb Needs

Herb ate a big healthy meal.
"Wow I'm so satisfied." he said, "And I feel great because now I am so healthy."

Herb sat there pleased. Nice and full from his good healthy meal. He was filthy also.
"I could use something else though." he said.
"Oh no!" he thought.
"I thought I was satisfied and now I'm not, was I lying to myself?"

Herb really had thought he was satisfied, but then quickly decided he wasn't and wanted something more.

"I want a woman!" he said.
"No I don't want that." he said again.
"I want to watch a sports game!" he said.
"Nah no teams I like are playing." he said after that.
"Oh I will go gambling!" he said.
"No that is a bad a habit." he realized.
"I want to take up a hobby." he said.
"They all sound boring. I'm so impatient!" he said.
"I need to work on being patient and taking things in. Maybe I'll do that." he said.
"Bah who has the time for that!?" he thought.

Herb sat there tapping his foot on the ground. He tapped a finger on his chair's arm rest. He started to grit, grind and chatter his teeth. Herb stood up and paced around. He started stamping on the ground and pulling on his hair. Then he stopped and took a deep breath.

"Maybe I'll murder someone." he said.
"No that will get me in trouble." he said after that.
"Knock, knock, knock!" said a sound from the door.
"Hi, it's the mailman." said the mailman behind the door.
"Oh thank god, a person to talk to!" said Herb.

Herb ran to the door and opened it and started hugging the mailman real hard.
"I'm so glad you're here, thank you, thank you!" said Herb
"You're welcome." said the mailman.
"Did someone write me a letter?" Herb asked. "Does someone want to talk to me?" he continued.
"No you have coupons." said the mailman.
Herb looked down at the mailman's hand and he was holding a bunch of coupons.

Herb went to the grocery store and waited in line with a big bar of soap.
"Hi will this be all?" said the checkout lady.
"Yes! And look! I have a coupon for a discount on this soap! That's why I'm buying it and I'm happy now." said Herb.
"Wow that's great, what a deal." said the checkout lady.
Herb left with his discounted soap.

"Now I have to go get dirty so I can use up all the soap on cleaning myself." said Herb.
"That's what soap is for." he responded to himself.
"No use getting a soap bargain if I can't take advantage of it."

Herb went and got dirty so he could wash. While he was getting extra dirty he saw a magazine on the ground with a very fit man with muscles on the cover, there was a side caption on the cover that said "Be Healthy, Eat Healthy!"

"Eat healthy! That's what I need to do." he said.
Herb went and ate a big healthy meal.
"Wow I'm so satisfied." he said, "And I feel great because now I am so healthy."

Herb sat there pleased. Nice and full from his good healthy meal. He was filthy also.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

The Babe

Bippy had the major hots for The Babe. He was always trying to get The Babe's attention and impress her. He'd show her his cool shirt that looked shiny in certain light. He went out and bought it in hopes of getting her attention. He had saved up money because he thought he had heard The Babe had gone on a date with a guy who had a shiny looking shirt. Bippy's shiny shirt was met with polite patronization from The Babe.

Bippy tried all kind of things to get The Babe's attention, jumping around in her presence, talking extra loud when he knew she was walking by, putting on sunglasses and playing it cool in the background. The Babe was only mildly interested in him. She'd give him a "hello" or even an "oh, hi Bippy," but she had so much attention from Heroes, Hunks, and Studs, that Bippy was just no match. Bippy was discouraged.

It's possible that Bippy was just too transfixed by The Babe's appearance, because if you got beyond a small talk conversation you'd see it was pretty desolate.

Bippy realized he needed to be bold so one day he marched right up to her and said, "Hey Babe, I'm super friendly, wanna go on a date?"
"Oh I'm so busy, but thank you for asking." The Babe responded.

Bippy was no dope, he could read between the lines. He heard loud and clear that The Babe had no interest in a guy like him. He gave up all hope.

He sank into a major sadness. Why wouldn't The Babe like him? Garbage started to accumulate in his apartment, it made a big mess, gunk built up, little pieces of paper collected on the linoleum and carpet, fuzzballs grew into apartment tumbleweeds, scruff grew out on his face, unevenly. Even a single strand of grey pepper grew, which caught the light from certain angles and made him look especially haggard and sad.

Earl Friend came over.
"Bippy you gotta clean this place." said Earl.
"What's the point? No one's comin' over here."
"I'm here." said Earl.
"No The Babe."
"Bippy, you gotta risk it all or go for broke, buddy, ya hear me?" said Earl.

Bippy didn't understand, but he pretended he did and it motivated him enough that evening to take a big risk, he was going to send The Babe a message. He rang her up, whilst atop his homestead heap of crud collection. He had zero expectations, but he wanted to do something gutsy, just for himself.
"Ring, ring." said phone.
"It's The Babe!" said The Babe.
"Babe, it's me Bippy. What do ya say you get over here and I'll show you a good time." said Bippy. Wow the brass on Bippy. The Babe was taken aback.
"Uh... Okay! Give me about an hour and a half and I'll be there." said The Babe.

Bippy hung up. What had he done? He couldn't believe it. It actually worked! He had nothing to lose. That's why.

But oh shit! His place. Bippy moved into overdrive. He had an hour and a half. He cleaned his place hard, did his dishes, washed his socks, scrubbed under his sink, filled trashbags with gunk and fuzzballs, shaved his scruff, including the single grey pepper.

It was a remarkable clean and scrub job. The Babe was going to be so impressed by what a nice organized place he had. It was time, ten minutes till The Babe arrived.
"Ring, Ring." said the phone. That was definitely The Babe calling to announce she had arrived and was parking.
"Hey Dippy,"
"Bippy," said Bippy.
"Bippy, right," said The Babe, "Listen I just realized I'm feeling busy right now and I cannot make it, hope that's okaaaaay."

Bippy's heart sunk.

But hey, his place looked really nice.

The Burn of the Blurter

Greasy Vinny had a big mouth and talk talk talked all the time. He was a blurter for sure. As soon as his thoughts and great ideas were into his brain he was opening his mouth to expel them everywhere. He couldn't keep em in. You'd think his thoughts were like hot thoughts. Hot and burning. And the only way to get those hot thoughts out would be to say them! And if for some reason he wasn't able to get his thoughts out, they'd get lost in the deep crevasses of his brain. And he'd have to search for them.

"Wait... wait... damnit... wah was I gonna say, fuh cryin' out loud?" Greasy Vinny would say, frustrated.
"I don't know Vinny, maybe it wasn't important." said Stewy Louie.
"No no ya gotta hear it!" said Greasy Vinny.
Then he remembered it and said it and it wasn't that great.

The biggest problem with Greasy Vinny's blurting thoughts were that they were always about him.

One time Stewy Louie was talking about mushroom stew. He was telling a bunch of people about it. Greasy Vinny was one of them. It was Stewy Louie's time to shine. Stewy Louie was holding court. The friends were all riveted with what Stewy Louie had to say about mushroom stew.
"...And then the stew will start to bubble cuz the water's so hot," said Stewy Louie.
"Wow keep goin!" said one friend.
"I'm captivated." said another friend.
Then all of the sudden Greasy Vinny chimed in, "Hey let me tell you about one time I made a mushroom risotto, for a beautiful woman, from my Gramma's recip--"
"Shhhh!" said the group of friends to Greasy Vinny, "Please continue, Stewy Louie." they said.

Stewy Louie continued his captivating talk of mushroom stew. The friends ate it up like yum chowder. Except Greasy Vinny. Greasy Vinny sat there, in his thinking and pondering, trying to understand why they didn't want to hear about what the mushroom stew talk had reminded him of. Vinny was baffled. He stood there holding his breath, standing on his toes, and staring at Stewy Louie's chattering mouth and lung-expanded chest, anticipating when the mouth would stop and the chest would exhale, so he could jump right in with his risotto story. To Vinny's chagrin, as soon as Louie took a talk break and Vinny prepared to blurt the blurt he'd been holding in, the crowd burst into laughter and emotion from the punchline and conclusion of Louie's story. The laughter and cheer drowned out Vinny voice. No one noticed he was trying to get his word in.

The worst part was Greasy Vinny was left out of the joy of the punchline, because he'd spent too much time listening to the thoughts in his head during the story, rather than Stewy Louie's story.

Then Tough Susan started talking right away about how great Louie's mushroom stew story was. Greasy Vinny was lost in the conversation. He'd also missed his chance to have the floor. Tough Susan was off and running with her opinion and she was a hard person to interrupt.

Greasy Vinny started getting stressed out. He didn't know what the group was talking about, they didn't want to hear what he was trying to talk about. He had no good ideas for how to usurp everyone's attention. His chest hurt. He was becoming short of breath. He couldn't figure out a way to hear his voice over everyone. He was really stressing out. Then he just stopped. Exhaled. Looked at Tough Susan talking, and thought, "Well, maybe I'll just listen and not say anything for a minute."

Friday, November 14, 2014

Mickey Bigtime's Big Score

Mickey Bigtime was out of jail. He was happy to be out of the slammer but he still had that itch.
"I gotta make a big score." he said to himself.

He called up Tony Titters, who always giggled.
"Hehe, what's happening Mickey Bigtime?" said Tony Titters.
"I'm lookin' to make a big score, you in?" asked Mickey Bigtime.
"Hehe, I don't know, I don't do that stuff no more." said Tony Titters.
"Are you sure? Gonna be a lotta money!" said Mickey Bigtime.
"Hehe, okay I'm in." said Tony Titters.
"Now we just need a team." said Mickey Bigtime.

Mickey Bigtime and Tony Titters started doing exercises to get ready. They did pushups to get strong and walked on their tiptoes to be dainty. The daintier they were the more quiet they could be when they were making their big score.

Next they called Clock Armstrong. He was the muscle of the group.
"I don't do that stuff no more." said Clock, on the telephone, as he lifted a free weight.
"It's gonna be some big money!" said Mickey Bigtime.
"Hehe." said Tony Titters, who was standing behind Mickey.
"Okay deal." said Clock. Then he hung up.

Next they went to Sheila Bottoms, the best safe cracker in the biz. Did I mention she was sexy too?!
"Sheila baby, we need ya for the team." said Mickey.
"No, Mickey, not after you broke my heart."
"You broke my heart, babe!"
"I'm out!" said Sheila.
"But no one cracks safes like you, you got the magic touch."
"I got a good business goin'."
"You stand to make a lotta money, off this." said Mickey Bigtime.
"Okay I'm in." said Sheila.

They had their team assembled. They planned to crack into the Nun School. There was a big safe with a lot of money there. That was their plan. They met a lot and fine tuned their plan. It seemed perfect. Then the day of the heist they all daintily tiptoed into the Nun School.

They were real quiet and dainty, like they'd rehearsed. They made it across the hall without a peep. Everyone was excited. Especially Tony Titters. Tony let out a little giggle, "Hehe." And before the whole group could shush him they were interrupted by an even louder "Shhhhhhhhhh!" coming from across the hall. It was Sister Mary Schusterman. The biggest shusher of them all. She was giving a big loud shush, sure to shake the school and all it's inhabitants. They'd been busted. What were they gonna do?

"Get her!" said Mickey Bigtime to Clock Armstrong.
Clock went in for the attack on Sister Mary Schusterman, and she pulled out a set of nunchucks because she was a Nun. She was good with 'em too. She beat up Clock Armstrong.
"You guys are in big trouble." said Sister Mary Schusterman.
"Whoa, whoa, Sister Mary, let's make a deal," said Mickey Bigtime, "Yeah, you caught us trying to break into the safe, but what if we let you in on this? It's gonna be a lotta money." he continued.
Sister Mary looked around, realizing this deal was too good to pass up, she tucked her nunchucks into her habit and said "Okay I'm in."

So Sheila and the team went to-a-drillin' on that Nun School safe. They rubbed their hands together with enthusiasm for all that money. Then the cops showed up.
"Hey cops, gonna be a lotta money, want a piece?" said Mickey.
"Okay!" said the cops.

Then Internal Affairs showed up.
"You're busted, you crooked cops!" they said.
"How bout a piece a the money?!" said Mickey.
"Ooh sounds good." said Internal Affairs.

Then the Mayor showed up and said, "Not in my city!"
"How bout a cut a some a this money!?" said Mickey.
"Make it a big cut and we got a deal." said Mayor.

Then the city showed up and said "Hey Mayor, you're corrupt!" Then Mickey Bigtime was like, "Gonna be a lotta money, city, you want in on this?"
"Okay" said the city.

Then the FBI showed up and said "Taking payments like that is against federal law." Then the Mayor was like "I'll do what I want it's my city, my voters. Back off, big government!" Then Mickey Bigtime was like "You want in? Gotta be a lotta money." And FBI was like "Yes."

Then they all went and hacked more into the Nun School safe, but the Vatican showed up and said "Hey, what are you doing that's Nun money!"
"You want a piece of this? Gonna be a lotta money!!" and the Vatican said "Okay sounds cool."

Then Jews showed up and said, "Hey listen, you need help managing that money? Someone's got to help you invest and keep it organized. We are only asking for a small percentage of each cut." The Jews stood to make a lot of money off each individual percentage, it was a wise investment of their time and work.
"That sounds reasonable." said Mickey Bigtime and everyone else, except this one white guy who said he didn't want no dirty Jew handling his money. This threatened to upend the whole heist situation.

"Listen white guy, you stand to make a lot of money off this thing, how bout it?" said Mickey.
"Okay sounds good." said the white guy.

The team was really big at this point. Everyone was working together. They cracked the safe and everyone got money and they shared all their tons of money and everyone was happy forever always, because of money.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

With Passing Days

Alice and Thomas were a beautiful white couple. They wore pastel colors. Their hair was trimmed and hedged perfectly. Alice's with swirling unnatural curls that could only be achieved by frequent attention from a hair curler. They were white. Such a glorious perfect white. They loved each other dearly. Romance was a high priority. They had a brick fireplace in their home. They ate nice meals, cooked from perfect recipes.

"You're my everything." said Thomas.
"I was made for you." said Alice.

One of Alice and Thomas's favorite activities was to cuddle up together on a tall couch with many pillows and watch their favorite television program titled With Passing Days. It was a romance show. The characters of Travis and Kit, on the show, were perfect. Alice and Thomas were obsessed. They modeled their whole lives after these TV characters, Travis and Kit. Same clothes, same sunglasses, same simple problems to overcome. Alice and Thomas would get very upset for the episodes where the characters would have relationship troubles, but they were always happy when the characters wound up together and happy again at the end.

Across the country, on one of the coasts, in a stuffy television production office, Irwin Blurmenstein schvitzed over the completion of the latest draft of his episode of With Passing Days. He was integral to the character development of Alice and Thomas's favorite characters, Travis and Kit. He thought what he wrote was garbage. Irwin also had wet stains on his armpits, sweat speckles on his balding forehead, a crumb in his beard, and digestive trouble. Irwin packed up his typewriter and went home for the day.

Irwin walked into his home and was greeted by his wife Fran.
"You're a creative failure! And nothing you've ever written has been worth while!" said Fran.
"You think I don't know that?!" shouted Irwin.
"You're a pawn! They just push you back and forth!" said Irwin's wife.
"It's a living!" shouted Irwin.
"I'd be happier with drug money!" shouted Fran
"I'm gonna show you, Fran! You'll swallow those words and need a glass of wine to choke them down!" shouted Irwin.
"You think you're so poetic when you say things like that, don't you?"
"Yes!" said Irwin.
"Well guess what? I've been having an affair with a real man. He's a writer too. Better than you!"

In from the back walked Ted Crown, a television staff writer and co-executive producer on the acclaimed television show Lawyer Up. He was very slick.

"Hello Irwin. I'm moving in, you're moving out." said Ted Crown.

Meanwhile, back at Alice and Thomas's house there was big trouble. Alice was working on a casserole recipe and realized it called for more butter than she had. They did what Travis and Kit would have done and went to the highest rated restaurant in town for a wonderful evening.

Irwin was furious and upset. He went back to his office, because he had nowhere else to go. He stayed up all night slaving over a new draft of the episode. He wrote a love triangle episode where Travis and Kit's marriage fell apart because Kit cheated on Travis with a mysterious new character name Manuel. Subsequently, Travis realized he was homosexual. Irwin was not homosexual, but he was in the zone and thought it was an inspired idea. Irwin was certain this idea was too good to make it on air. Somehow, by a miracle, it did!

When the episode aired it destroyed everything Alice and Thomas knew. They could not comprehend it. Their marriage suffered quickly and fell apart. Irwin was let go at the end of the season.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Sharktime Jimmy the Roaster

Sharktime Jimmy was the king of the roasters. A roasting legend. He burned 'em left and right. He had a roast for every person! And he made a meal out of every roast.

One time a fat guy walked by, "Uh-oh, hide ya pudding!" he shouted. He saw a Chinese guy walk by a burger joint, "Sorry no chopstick!" He saw a black guy walk by, "Uh-oh my wallet is nervous!"

He roasted anything that came in his way. Even objects. "I turn you on, what do you do for me!?" he said to his television, as he sat in front of it. He even roasted the programming, "Pro-gramming? More like Anti-gramming!"

Jimmy decided to had to get out for the night.

"Your wife's real skinny, but what a nice rack!" said Jimmy, to his coat as he took it from his coat rack. "I hear you're real promiscuous, everyone wants to take a turn on your knob!" said Jimmy, to the doorknob, as he turned it to open the door.

His cab driver had a turban on, "I thought I hailed a cab, not a suicide bomb!"

Sharktime Jimmy got out the cab at no particular location. He just walked the cold streets. Looking for something to roast. "It's so chilly out here, I ought to roast myself!" said Jimmy to himself, " warm myself up." he continued, under his breath.

On a whim, Sharktime Jimmy decided to go to The Statue of Liberty. "I know you like to swish, but I don't swing in your direction, so keep your hands to yourself, sweetheart!" he said to the Ferry, as he boarded it. Because "ferry" is pronounced the same as "fairy".

He arrived at The Statue of Liberty and this was at the time when you could still go up to the very top late at night. So he did. Jimmy snuck even further beyond where he was allowed to go. He stuck his hand out from the crown of Lady Liberty. The wind was blowing hard and cold. He crawled out completely onto the head of Lady Liberty so that he could jump off and kill himself. He looked up at the dark sky. He looked at the lighted city. He looked at Lady Liberty's face.

"Looks like you could use a shave, honey!" he shouted to her, over the wind.

He looked down at the drop where he would take his final flight. He was not sure if this was the best thing to do. "You call that a drop? I seen more drastic leaps from undescended testicles!" he said. Then Sharktime Jimmy carefully crawled back inside The Statue of Liberty's head and went back home.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Hank Wasn't Perfect

Hank wasn't perfect. God damn him to hell. There were lots of things that Hank was supposed to be, but perfect goes without mentioning. Hank had a head full of hair and a pair of glasses. Glasses? Why? Because his vision needed assistance. Hank wasn't perfect.

Hank had a stain on his shirt. His shirttail seemed incapable of staying tucked. Hank's teeth got yellow. Hank gave in to superficial pressures of social acceptances and got his teeth professionally whitened. They were too white, he looked ridiculous. Hank wasn't perfect.

When Hank got older he got stressed. The stress accelerated his genetic hair loss, which made him look less masculine. Hank wasn't perfect.

Hank tried a drug that was against the law. No doctor's permission slip. No addiction excuse. He did it for fun. He wanted to have fun because he learned fun was great solace from things that were not fun. Most things in Hank's life were not fun. So when fun came around it was hard to turn down. As a result, heavy addiction would join up with Hank years later. Hank wasn't perfect.

Hank married his wife Marvey. He loved her for crying out loud. But one time early on in their marriage Hank slept with a woman with oily skin who was not Marvey. Hank had not arranged for this to be okay with Marvey. He had broken his vow of marriage. But the problem was Hank was under the influence of a drug and a drink. He allowed himself to not think about the self control he knew he was supposed to think about. This oily-skinned woman, with her oily Greek bosoms, was offering herself to Hank and Hank had urges he didn't contain. He felt bad and knew he could never do that again. Many years later he did it again with a different woman. Hank wasn't perfect.

One time Hank saw a man with a different color of skin than he and judged the man based off that alone. He had, implanted in his brain, a small town upbringing, selective advertising, fear-based media influence, and outdated ideals, that lingered from his parents's parenting skills, that caused a knee-jerk reaction and inability to empathize with every man. Hank wasn't perfect.

Hank had a son named Cheef that reminded of him of himself. Because of that upbringing of his, Hank held himself to a high standard he could never reach. The voice of Hank's father's judgement echoed in Hank's every move. As Hank got older, that father voice morphed into his own voice. Every time Hank's son Cheef would try to do something, the voice would come into Hank's head and tell him Cheef was not good enough. Because Cheef was too much like Hank. And we all know that Hank wasn't perfect.

Hank would go around acting like an asshole.
"Look at the way you behave, you're an asshole!"
"What did I do that was assholish?!" Hank would ask.
"You did this, this and this, and this." They would explain.
"Well, I'm not perfect!" Hank would say.
 The people talking to Hank were not smart enough to push the conversation beyond their confrontation to anything constructive. Hank's behavior and their condemnation continued. Hank would often use the phrase "I'm not perfect" to excuse his reprehensible behavior. It became a form of flippancy. But Hank wasn't perfect.

As soon as Hank set foot in this world he seemed to be an interceptor for influences of imperfection. For that he should be burned at the stake, but only after being crucified. Hank was so goddamned imperfect.

Now though, in the future, in the year 4320, man does not interact, absorb, influence or participate. It really is the best way. We have not had an incident of imperfection or worry since 4083. I am only recounting this story from a servo-mechanical relay of a surveillance log in the sky that records all activity, and has since the year 1963, when U.S. President John F. Kennedy was removed.

Hank did have a second son though. He was given no name. He sat still in a room, never spoke, experienced anything, or spoke to anyone. He was perfect.

Strong Bonded Couple

Mertle hated Bub because Bub was a sarcastic fellow, and sarcasm reminded Mertle of instability.

One, because sarcasm sounds like sincerity, but upon deeper inspection you can detect that it's actually satirizing the sincerity. Two, because her father was not stable and could never hold down a job, but would always make sarcastic jokes about it. Because he could never hold down a job, Mertle never knew if the next meal was going to come. So when she reached adulthood she ate all the time, and in large quantities, because she had constant dread that food would go away. She did not like her dad, and she did not like Bub. But she was married to Bub, because Bub reminded her of her dad. And her dad was the only example of a male she knew. Life had really created an unpleasant equation for her.

Bub loved Mertle because she was humorless and fluctuated weight a lot. He liked that she fluctuated weight because he was attracted to all different types of women, so if her body weight changed it would be like he had a big woman one night and a slim woman another. He liked that she was humorless because it reminded him of his humorless mother, who was very stern and that caused him to rebel by developing a keen sense of humor. Also Mertle's lack of humor made him the funny one, which he liked.

"I'm instinctually drawn to you, but can't stand being around you, yet I fulfill your every need. That's not fair!" said Mertle.
"You're complete anguish to be around, yet I absolutely love your company." said Bub, with complete sincerity.
"Are you being sarcastic?" asked Mertle.
"No." said Bub, sincerely again.
"It sounds like you're being sarcastic." said Mertle.
"I know, but I'm being sincere." said Bub, still sincere.
"It's hard to tell because you're so often sarcastic!" said Mertle.
"It's something one might say when being sarcastic, and I know I have a tendency to be sarcastic, but I'm breaking sarcastic-character to let you know that you're a rotten horrible woman, and I absolutely love you, you fat-skinny-fat-skinny-angry-tough-crowd-whiny-scowling ogress."
"I believe you. Thank you, darling, for not being sarcastic for once. I actually like what you're saying because it's not sarcasm, I hate sarcasm." said Mertle, lovingly.
"Really?! I thought you loved sarcasm." said Bub, sarcastically.
"Dammit, I hate your fucking sarcasm!" screamed Mertle.

Bub and Mertle had a baby. It was hard to determine what the baby would grow up to be like, personality-wise, and what combo of the two parents it would exhibit. They were so uncertain, they brought in a mathematician and explained their whole personal situation, so he could assess how the child would turn out, just for no reason.

The mathematician's answer was reasonable and believable, but he was real smug and pleased with himself. Gross. Bub and Mertle could tell he was going to go around bragging about his findings and using them to schmooze up the mathematician ladders. They kicked him out.

One time during the holiday season Bub's cold humorless mom came over to spend time with the family. She was just like Mertle. Mertle's sarcastic unstable dad came over too. He was just like Bub.
Each parent was widow and widower. Bub's mom and Mertle's dad had real strong sexual chemistry so they had sex with each other. The grandparents were too old to have new babies. But they tried to figure out what another baby by them might be like, personality-wise. They couldn't figure it out.

"Why don't we call the mathematician again?!" said Bub, sarcastically. Mertle's Dad laughed. The ladies scowled.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

The Best Criminal Jest

Bart Puffer had tall hair. It stuck up high. Everyone always made the joke "Looks like you stuck your finger in an electrical socket, ha ha!" Bart heard that joke a lot. But he liked his hair how it was because he got attention, and he wasn't very interesting so he needed something to give him attention.

"Looks like you stuck your finger in an electrical socket!" said another fellow with a great sense of humor to Bart, as he walked to get his morning muffin the next day.

"Looks like bla bla bla socket!" said the lady he had a business meeting with. Bart was walking on air from this attention.

One day Bart woke up and his hair was laying flat down. He couldn't get it to stand up tall like usual so he stuck his finger in an electrical socket and his flesh burnt to a bubbly crisp. His hair caught on fire and became a liquified fleshy ooze. When the paramedics and police investigators showed up they pronounced him dead and said "Looks like he stuck his finger in an electrical socket."

But don't worry about old Bart Puffer. The police started digging into Bart Puffer's backstory, with their investigation lead by Detective Frowntown, a detective who wore a tie and Blublocker sunglasses. The more Frowntown dug, the more unraveled. Bart Puffer's DNA implicated him as the murderer in a string of unsolved and already solved criminal cases.

As a result, Big Zacky Buckets, a convicted murderer, walked free and received a pardon.

"It's good to be free. I have lost a lot of time, but I am happy to have my freedom. It's a bittersweet and emotional day." said Big Zacky Buckets. Then Big Zacky Buckets went to an ice cream shop and stayed there for two days eating ice cream and crying.

"Ah still thank ee did it!" said Durkus Foldoon, the town skeptic. "Ee keeled them peepull an ah wawna see um burn fowr it!" Which is ironic, because Bart Puffer wound up burning.

Anyway, Durkus ran into Big Zacky Buckets one day walking down the street and they started to get into an argument. Big Zacky Buckets had learned patience in prison because he had lots of time to think about stuff as an innocent man. He calmly explained that he had been exonerated of the crimes because Bart Puffer was the murderer. Then Durkus understood and they became friends.

"Ah thank at's pretty funny that his hair stood up real tall lak an lectrical socket. Ha ha!" said Durkus.
"Yeah me too what a great joke." said Big Zacky.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Weezo Fatser Needs a Sandwich

Weezo Fatser wanted a sandwich and he couldn't find one anywhere. Grimpy Devo was a devious sneaky fellow with a black pointy goatee.

"Whurs a sandwich I keep try find one and I can't!" said Weezo.
"Psst, Weezo! Over here. I can tells ya where a sandwich is." said Grimpy Devo, from behind a bush across the street.

Weezo stumble dumbled across the street. Cars honked at him. He made it to the bush.

"Where da sandwich?!" said Weezo.
"Psst, Weezo! Right this way. It's in here!" whispered Grimpy Devo, over by the building with no AC.

Weezo followed Grimpy into the building with no AC. It was a hot day, and Weezo needed that AC. He also needed that sandwich.

"This way, this way, hehe." said Grimpy, as he walked on his toes, with quick pointy steps.
"Okay, I coming." panted Weezo as he lumbered through the stuffy building. Weezo was breaking a drippy sweat. "Hehhh, eeee, heh.." he wheezed, a little.

Weezo made it to the end of the building and wound up back outside in the day heat again, schvitzing with greasy squeaky schmutz from his body, no sandwich to nosh! And now he was wheezing hard. "Eeee, hehhh, eeee, hehhh."

"Just up over here!" shouted Grimpy from the top of the hill.
Weezo looked up. "Eeee, heeeehh, eeee, heehh. Can you bwing it to me?"
"Hurry hurry before it's gone, hehe!" shouted Grimpy, as he trotted up the hill.
"Eeeee, hehhh, eeeee. Okay." he wheezed, then made for his wheezy journey uphill.

Weezo was almost to the top of the hill. "Eeeeeeeee, hhhhhheh. E-e-e-e-eeee, hhhehhhh." And then he toppled over and rolled to a big rock that stopped him from rolling all the way downhill. Grimpy danced back down, and over to him.

"Weezo! Don't you want that yummy sandwich?" he said, with a motive of what seemed like some devious plan. What was he going to do? Really give him a sandwich? Bop Weezo on the head? Tease Weezo for being so wheezy and not give him a sandwich? But then, Weezo opened his eyes, lifted his head, and spoke.

"Oh no, heeeee, hehhhh. I don't need to look further for a sandwich." he said, widening his eyes.
"Oh no?" said Grimpy, curiously. This was an unexpected hiccup in Grimpy's questionable plan.
"That's right. I've got my eyes on all the sandwich I need." said Weezo, "I know you've been working for the devil, Grimpy Devo." he continued.
"What!? How?! I kept it secret real good." said Grimpy.
"Because I'm a gumshoe for God, hired to snuff you out.
"You mean this whole thing was a setup?" said Grimpy.
"Yes." said Weezo.
"You mean, I was trying to set you up, but the whole time, you were setting me up?"
"Yes." said Weezo.
"I thought it was too good to be true that you were standing there when you were, and that you were so easily persuaded to follow me to eat a sandwich." said Grimpy.
"Grimpy, now I'm going to eat you, per God's instruction. Ha ha ha, hehhh, eeeeee." he said, laughed and wheezed.
"No, don't eat me, I was just trying to do a job for the Devil, I have a family, noooo." said Grimpy.

Weezo's eyes turned black and his teeth grew sharp. His jaw unhinged and stretched real big. His head and lips wrapped about Grimpy's neck and shoulders, and swallowed him, like how snakes eat stuff, and you can see the outline of it in their snake body.

Weezo chased it with two pieces of bread.
"Good sandwich," said Weezo, "thanks God." Then he said a little prayer and went back to acting like the Weezo Fatser we all thought he was.

Little Precious Needs a Friend

Little Precious was oh so lonely and she looked at her backyard.
"Why are there no trees!?" she shouted and pouted at her yard.

She did the same thing for many days and months and weeks in a row.
"No plants to keep me company?! Boo and Hoo!" she said.

"I'm so alone. I need a friend." she lamented loudly. Little Precious was also 32 years old.

One day she ran outside and shouted again, "Still nothing?! Who will keep me company!?" Then she threw a handful of seeds at the ground. Then she forgot that she did that.

"I'm so alone!" she shouted as she ran around in her house. Then she picked up her telephone receiver, "Ring ring ring!" she shouted, "Yes it's me, who is there?" she said, "It's me!" she said back to herself, "Oh hi!" she said, enthusiastically. "Hi!" she said back, "Are you my friend?" she asked, "No!" she said back to herself. "Why not?" she said, "Because I'm nobody! Goodbye!", then she slammed the phone down and said "Dammit! That wadn't no friend calling for me, it was just me!" Then she spat on the floor. "Doesn't count!"

Then she ran around and stamped on the wood floors making clunk noises. Then she picked up a crucifix that she kept in her drawer that she kept pencils and scissors.

"Oh dear Lord almighty God in heaven who is our saint and fatherly spirit of the guiding light..."
Then she coughed real loud because she had a tickle in her throat left over from a cold that she'd had months ago, "won't you bless me with a loving friend, in whatever form that you see fit?"

The crucifix didn't respond. Little Precious got mad and threw it back in the drawer.
"I wasted my time praying just now!" she shouted. Then she went and made more clomping pouting stamping sounds that echoed through the house.
"I was gonna respond, I was just thinking." said the crucifix muffled through the drawer. She couldn't hear it over her stamping.

One day she walked outside. And saw a beautiful tree. Our Lord's earthly nature had granted her a friend, it seemed.

"A friend? For me? A tree? Hi tree!"
"Hi Little Precious." said the tree.
"You're my friend, tree. Finally. You came for me."
"Actually, you brought me here." the tree said with a loving smile.
"What?" said Little Precious.
"You threw seeds at the ground. You planted them. And now I'm here. Your loyal friend."
"You mean you're only here because I planted the seeds?!"
"Yes, but I'm still your friend." said the tree.
"You didn't come here specifically to see me??! Doesn't count!"

Then she slammed the backyard door shut, and said "Dammit!" and went back inside and stamped around until a mailman finally came and visited her, then left. Then she stamped around some more and a baby fell out of her legs. Then she was mad that the baby only was there because there was an egg in her uterus at the right time, so it didn't count as a friend.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Alligator Eat Adventures

The Alligator wanted to go eat some stuff. He was hungry.

"Anybody else hungry?" said Alligator.
"I'm always hungry." said Anothergator.
"Let's go find some food." said Alligator.

They went waddling around. Alligator and Anothergator were buddies. They had lots of good talks about food. They both loved to eat.

"Hey, I think there are some snails over there, let's eat those." said Anothergator.
"Hi." said a slow snail.
"Hey, we are going to eat you." said Alligator.
"Oh no, don't eat me." said the snail.
"We are definitely going to. Do you have any friends we can eat too?" said Anothergator.
"Yes, I have lots of friends. Eat them not me." pled the snail.
"Okay," said Anothergator.
"Where are you friends?" asked Alligator.
"Up the river!" pointed snail.
"Can't believe you sold your friends up the river, what a jerk." said Alligator
"Yeah. And we are real hungry, just so you know." said Anothergator, with contempt.

Alli and Other, the gators on the go, went up the river as the snail suggested. They didn't find any other snails. They'd been had. That little snail was a lying manipulative snake of a snail. The gators had been tricked and they were pissed. Then they happened upon a worm.

"Hey worm, we're gonna eat you!" they said.
The worm was dumb and had no brains or anything to say. They ate the worm. The worm didn't mind.

"I'm still hungry!" said Alligator.
"Me too." said Anothergator.

Then they found a bunch of flies and beetles hanging out. They ate all of those and were stuffed. What a meal! Then they found some families and schools of fish to eat.

"I'm hungry again." said Anothergator, right after.
"I am too." said Alligator. 

These guys were mostly just into eating and would forget when they were full.

"Hey, did you hear Frank the Alligator once ate a person?" said Alligator.
"No way, is that true?" said Anothergator.
"That's what I heard." said Alligator.
"That's crazy. I kind of want to eat a person." said Anothergator.
"Let's find him and ask him if it's true." said Alli.

Frank the Alligator was a reclusive gator. They went and found Frank. He was quiet, mysterious, and kept to himself.

"Hey Frank, is it true you once ate a person?!" asked Anothergator.
Frank took a puff of a cigarette, exhaled the smoke and muttered under his breath, "Yeah, and I'll eat you too, if you don't get outta my face." Then he looked away.
Alli and Other were scared.
"Do we even do that?" whispered Alli to Other.
"Do what?" whispered Other.
"Eat each other?" asked Alli, nervously.
"I don't know, but I don't wanna stay to find out. Let's go!"

They beat it fast. Next they went to the Louisiana bayou and got captured and eaten by people, their feet were chopped off and thrown in a special spicy stew. Their flavor was fueled by all the snails, worms, fish, and crustaceans they'd eaten. Locals and open minded tourists alike enjoyed the stew.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Jenny, Alfonse and Mangela

Jenny was like "I love your shirt!" to Alfonse.
Alfonse was like "Oh thank you so much!"

But Jenny was lying, she secretly hated the shirt but couldn't keep her mouth shut and had to say something. Alfonse also hated the shirt, but had been working hard at being a good sport, and just taking a compliment instead of contradicting anything positive in his life. They should have just both been honest with each other in that moment.

Except right after that moment Mangela came up and she was like "Alfonse, I think that shirt is ugly."
"Oh, hehe, well looks like you two have a difference of opinion!" said Alfonse, while pointing over to Jenny. He was doing a good job restraining the urge to agree with Mangela's insult.

"Oh, I think it's great." said Jenny, through her teeth. Jenny was now extra pissed, because she actually agreed with Mangela's opinion, but now had to pretend that she didn't. She also really wanted Mangela to like her, so she would have normally agreed with anything Mangela said. What Jenny didn't know was that Mangela always had people kissing her ass and agreeing with her.

"You really think it's great?!" asked Mangela, incredulously, with a faux-judgemental tone. She wasn't actually judging Jenny. She was just testing Jenny to see if Jenny would hold her ground. The secret way to Mangela's heart was to disagree with her and tell her her opinion sucked. Most people didn't know that.

"Yes, I love everything about it." said Jenny. Jenny's scalp was getting hot, for fear she would have to come up with some bullshit about why it was so good. Alfonse and Mangela would be hanging on her every word for different reasons. Alfonse, to hear a compliment, which he didn't actually want to hear because they were hard to take, and Mangela, to be told her opinion was garbage, which she secretly loved to hear.

"You love everything about it?" questioned Mangela, once more.
"...uh" said Jenny, as her eyes shifted from left to right.
"Please. Tell me why?" said Mangela. This was Jenny's worst nightmare, what Jenny was fearing most.

Then, just as Mangela took a breath to prepare to open her mouth to say the words: I'm just kidding! I totally respect your opinion, you're an original. Jenny beat her to the punch by blurting out, "I actually completely agree with you and think the shirt is awful!"

Mangela was taken by surprise, and her eyes made a slight bug-out expression. Alfonse was taken by surprise too, and made a slight brow-furrow expression.

"Oh," said Mangela.
"What a phony bitch." thought Alfonse, in his head.
"That's lame and rude," said Mangela, then she immediately lost interest in Jenny and said "Gotta go, see ya." and walked away.

Alfonse and Jenny stood there uncomfortably for a moment.

Jenny didn't get what she wanted, which was Mangela's approval, and to be phony-polite to Alfonse. Mangela didn't get what she wanted, which was to have someone be rude to her, or at least disagree with her highly regarded opinions. But Alfonse got what he wanted, which was to refrain from insulting himself.

The whole situation turned out to be pretty good for Alfonse, actually. You could say rather than expending negative energy toward himself he was able to funnel those negative feelings toward Jenny, who had embarrassed herself and thrown him under the bus. She was the clear cut bad guy in his eyes. Not him. And that made him feel a little more positive.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

One of Those Nights

Kippy was all set to meet his friends at the place. Everyone knew where to go and the time to be there. Kippy was invited as well.

Kippy took a shower and the water was real thick so the water came out of the shower head in slow motion. It was also very hard to scrub the day-dirt and natural human stink off of himself. The water was hard to wipe off too because it was so thick.

Next, he had to brush his teeth but every time he'd bring his toothbrush to his mouth it would bend backwards. Like if you had to brush your teeth with a noodle. Not a very sturdy toothbrush.

Other things gave Kippy difficulty too. His blow dryer coughed and wheezed like an old man in the middle of the night. His shirt played tug of war with him when he tried to pull it from the drawer.

You could say Kippy was having a difficult time getting ready. By this time, he was running late. He assumed he was missing all the gathering action. He hadn't heard from his friends, so he was about to give up.

"They probably won't notice I'm not there." he said.
Then his phone rang.
"Kippy, it's your friends!"
"Hi friends."
"We noticed you're missing, you coming?"
"I was going to, but I probably missed the fun."
"No, it's barely started, you should come out!"
"Okay I will!" said Kippy.

Kippy had a new lease on the night. His difficult ready time was not a deterrent from the fun he was sure to have with his friends. He was about to have fun socializing.

Kippy reached for the door knob. His palm was very sweaty, so he wiped it on his pant leg. This made his pant leg damp, he tried to blow dry it, but the blowdryer just coughed again. He reached back for the door and his hand was sweaty again, so he couldn't turn the knob. He wiped it again, on his butt, now his butt was wet. He used his other hand, but it was sweaty too. He wiped that hand on his other leg. His pants were getting pretty damp at this point. He used his shirt tail to turn the knob so his grip wouldn't slip, but the knob was stuck. He pulled at the door. He tugged at the door. It wouldn't open.

"Quit pulling on me." said the door.
"I'm trying to get out." said Kippy.
"Don't go." said the door.
"I want to." said Kippy.
"Why?" asked the door.
"My friends are expecting me." said Kippy.
"The door is open, then." said the door.

But the door was lying. Kippy banged and pounded and kicked and yanked at the door. It wouldn't budge.

"You should just stay in." said the door.
"I want to go out!" shouted Kippy.
"The door was just open, you had every opportunity." said the door.
"Liar!" said Kippy.
"Might as well sit down and do nothing. Those guys were just being nice when they invited you out." said the door.
"Okay." said Kippy. Then he sat down in his wet pants and did nothing.

Kippy saw a friend the next week.
"Hey Kippy where were you that one night?" said the friend.
"Oh, I just couldn't get out of the house." said Kippy.

Then a robber showed up and said "Gimme your money!" and a girl ran over and lifted up her shirt to try to get a reaction, on a dare from her friend hiding fifty feet away. Then Kippy, Kippy's friend, and the robber were like, "Whoa, didn't see that comin'!" Then an earthquake happened that sent a vibration to where the four of them stood, cracking the ground, and springing them in all different directions. They all survived with minimal injuries and walked away with good stories to tell.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Janice Treats Herself

Janice was empty so she needed to get some eats to fill herself up. She walked to the store. On the way to the store she looked at her foot. Every time she put it in front of the other foot, the other foot would step forward again. She couldn't seem to keep it as the leading foot. She kept trying all the way into the street.

"Errrrr!" said a screeching car that screeched to keep from hitting her.
"Watch out you dummy!" shouted the car screeching guy.
Janice looked up and her mouth drooped open a little.

She walked into the store and sniffed around to see what would be right for her. She made her way to the stuff bag aisle. She looked at the bags of things to eat. She picked a bag of pieces. She liked pieces, because she could eat one at a time and they would make a crunch noise. Crunch noises were fun to make because when she made them with her teeth it felt like she was crushing little tiny people who had laid in the sun for a long time and gotten crispy. Or maybe tiny people made of little burnt sticks.

Janice walked toward the register to give the pay paper that made it okay to eat the bagged pieces. On the way to the register she spotted a jar of yellow. Yellow was perfect for dipping pieces in.

"Mmm that yellow would go good with these pieces." said Janice.

Yellow was her favorite flavor. Janice paid for the jar of yellow and bag of pieces. She could not wait to dip each eat piece into the yellow and eat. On the way home she saw a big sign with a pretty lady picture on it. 

"Be beautiful." said the sign.
"Oh I want to be beautiful." said Janice.

Janice went home and ate all her yellow. She woke up the next morning and felt terrible, but didn't know why. She walked outside and saw the sign again telling her to be beautiful, so she walked to Judy's Beauty Salon.

"Hi I'm Judy." said Judy.
"Hi Judy, I'm Janice, I want to be beautiful." said Janice.
"It is my duty to make you a beauty." said Judy.

Judy put a ton of paint on Janice's face and made her hair look real big. 
"What ever you do don't mess with this paint and hair."
"Okay." said Janice.
"When the tall hair falls down and you become ugly, come back and I will make you beautiful again for money." said Judy.
"Thank you." said Janice.

Janice walked down the street with her big tall hair and lots of paint on her face. A fly was flying when she was walking and got stuck in her wet paint face.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

The Best Booty in Miami 1998

It was Miami, 1998. The booty bass was really booming in a great way. Shay-Shay had the best booty and shaked it better than anyone else. Muffy-Poo had the second best booty and she shaked it great, but not as good at Shay-Shay.

"You have great technique at moving your booty around." said Muffy-Poo.
"Thank you. You are pretty good but still have much to learn, my friend." said Shay-Shay.

Muffy-Poo had a real big crush on a cool guy who walked nice, named ill-Virus. ill-Virus was a cool guy who had a big crush on Shay-Shay. Muffy-Poo vied for ill-Virus's attention. But it didn't work.
"Hey Shay-Shay, I love your booty, would you like to go on a date with me?" said ill-Virus.
"ill-Virus, I think you are wack, ha ha. Sorry." said Shay-Shay.

ill-Virus was so sad. Muffy-Poo walked up to him, while he was looking off in the distance with heartbreak in his eyes.
"Hey ill-Virus, I think you are a great and handsome fellow. Want to take me on date?" said Muffy-Poo.

ill-Virus decided to take Muffy-Poo on a date, they listened to loud booty bass in ill-Virus's convertible. Muffy-Poo tried her best to show ill-Virus that she could groove. They went to a nice restaurant and ate crab legs. ill-Virus wore his coolest hat backwards.

Afterwards Muffy-Poo and ill-Virus went home and made nice love. Muffy-Poo was happy about it. She went and told everyone she made love with ill-Virus.

Next week Shay-Shay caught wind of their great date and lovemaking. Shay-Shay rang up ill-Virus.
"Hey baby, I always thought you were cute. Want to feed me some crab legs? Don't forget about my booty."
"That sounds great, how could I forget that booty? It's the best booty in Miami."

Shay-Shay went and made love to ill-Virus. The next day Muffy-Poo called up ill-Virus.
"Hey sweetheart, it's me Muffy-Poo. When's our next date?"
"Sorry there will be no more dates. I have the sweetheart that I wanted all along." said ill-Virus. Then he got off the phone.

Naturally, Muffy-Poo was devastated and heartbroken. ill-Virus excitedly rang up Shay-Shay to ask her if she'd be interested in going out and shaking her booty in his face that night.
"Ha ha ha, sorry sucker. But I like to leave 'em and deceive 'em. Click!" said Shay-Shay, then she hung up the phone. After she had said the word "Click".

ill-Virus then rang up Muffy-Poo. 
"Hey pretty thing, are we gonna go out and watch your booty shake tonight?" asked ill-Virus with faux-confidence.
"What?!" said Muffy-Poo incredulously, "You and everyone else in this town may think I'm second best, but I know in my heart I'm the primest piece of meat in the street. So you better check yourself. See ya, wouldn't want to be you. And I respect myself because I'm worth more than that! Click!"

Then Muffy-Poo hung up and dialed Shay-Shay.
"Hi there." answered Shay-Shay.
"Shay-Shay, it's Muffy-Poo. I just want to say thank you for pointing out to me that ill-Virus is a piece of trash. Secondly, I want to say that you are a piece of trash and I wouldn't do to you what you did to me simply because you could. You are a tramp and you don't respect yourself." Muffy-Poo hung up and smiled to herself, proud of her discovery.

Then Muffy-Poo went to the big booty-shaking club parking lot and shaked her butt so hard that it sweated all over all the fawning men like a bunch of hungry dogs being spritzed with water on a hot day.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Opinionated John Buggy

John Buggy hated everything. He couldn't stand the stuff. Everything sucked, he thought. He also had gross rotten teeth.
"Pleugh, that's terrible!" he said.
"Guh, that's awful!" he complained.
"Oh, I can't stand that guy." he whined.
"Every time I see that thing I want to gouge my eyes out." he told people.

John Buggy definitely would get real worked up about it.
"Geez John you sure are a tough critic. Have a little more fun." said Bland Jill.
"Hey, John are you sure you aren't being too harsh, because I like the stuff." said Dull Gertrude.
"Awww c'mon you're being mean!" said Gentle Frank.

People started to steer clear of John Buggy. John's contempt of so many things began to wear on him as well. He felt awful. He started to wonder if his fury over his dislike for stuff was very bad and affecting his place in the world. He figured he'd better work hard to change. And he did. Instead of saying stuff was terrible he started saying it was great.

John Buggy went around everywhere and started to declare everything as wonderful. Even when it was legitimately terrible. Even when his instinct was to piss on it. Even when he wanted to fry it in the garbage disposal.

"Wow did I love it!" said John Buggy, about one thing.
"Hey that was pretty cool." announced John Buggy, he told everyone, about another thing.
"It might be a first of it's kind in the history of stuff! I think it's great." said John Buggy, even though he was wrong about it being the first of it's kind.

People started to warm up to John Buggy. People started to like John Buggy. People started to invite John Buggy to things. People started to tell others what a wonderful guy John Buggy was.

"Hey, I wonder what John Buggy thinks about this, I trust his opinion!" said people.

Buggy was the toast of the town. He started dressing real fancy and nice. His hairstyle looked like a gelled shiny looking slicked back cube shaped box. His skin got tanner.
"Babe, I love your stuff!" he told amateurs and big-time rollers alike.

He even got new clean white teeth that he showed off to everyone.
"These look great!" he told the dentist.

From the outside view of a telescope one might say that John Buggy seemed like a phony. No one up close noticed that his loving everything was strange. John Buggy worked his way into getting a big bimbo wife with boobs and no personality. They had a bunch of dumb phony kids who lived in a bubble. John loved them and told them everything they did was great.

But buried underneath all that love for stuff, there was a deep, dark, burning, rotting, volcano of critical hatred ready to erupt.