Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Sharktime Jimmy the Roaster

Sharktime Jimmy was the king of the roasters. A roasting legend. He burned 'em left and right. He had a roast for every person! And he made a meal out of every roast.

One time a fat guy walked by, "Uh-oh, hide ya pudding!" he shouted. He saw a Chinese guy walk by a burger joint, "Sorry no chopstick!" He saw a black guy walk by, "Uh-oh my wallet is nervous!"

He roasted anything that came in his way. Even objects. "I turn you on, what do you do for me!?" he said to his television, as he sat in front of it. He even roasted the programming, "Pro-gramming? More like Anti-gramming!"

Jimmy decided to had to get out for the night.

"Your wife's real skinny, but what a nice rack!" said Jimmy, to his coat as he took it from his coat rack. "I hear you're real promiscuous, everyone wants to take a turn on your knob!" said Jimmy, to the doorknob, as he turned it to open the door.

His cab driver had a turban on, "I thought I hailed a cab, not a suicide bomb!"

Sharktime Jimmy got out the cab at no particular location. He just walked the cold streets. Looking for something to roast. "It's so chilly out here, I ought to roast myself!" said Jimmy to himself, " warm myself up." he continued, under his breath.

On a whim, Sharktime Jimmy decided to go to The Statue of Liberty. "I know you like to swish, but I don't swing in your direction, so keep your hands to yourself, sweetheart!" he said to the Ferry, as he boarded it. Because "ferry" is pronounced the same as "fairy".

He arrived at The Statue of Liberty and this was at the time when you could still go up to the very top late at night. So he did. Jimmy snuck even further beyond where he was allowed to go. He stuck his hand out from the crown of Lady Liberty. The wind was blowing hard and cold. He crawled out completely onto the head of Lady Liberty so that he could jump off and kill himself. He looked up at the dark sky. He looked at the lighted city. He looked at Lady Liberty's face.

"Looks like you could use a shave, honey!" he shouted to her, over the wind.

He looked down at the drop where he would take his final flight. He was not sure if this was the best thing to do. "You call that a drop? I seen more drastic leaps from undescended testicles!" he said. Then Sharktime Jimmy carefully crawled back inside The Statue of Liberty's head and went back home.

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