Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Military Hero Terry Schwartz

Military war hero Terry Schwartz had a hairy back and tight shorts. He was grizzled and gruff and tough and stuff and his shorts rode up his buttocks, and tugged at his shirt tucks, which was tucked deeply into his under. Underneath his gruff exterior was fear, but from ear to ear he wore a cocky smile especially when fighting and killing at war. It was an act. "The horror." he mumbled through his smile amidst a pile of bodies he'd maimed.

"Terry Schwartz you're too tough here's a medal of honor. Put it on. Or don't. Wanna donut?" said the Superior military guy who gave him a medal in front of a lot of people. He liked sweets.

"Terry we need you to do one more mission." said the President.
"I can't do it you scumslurper!" said Terry, who talked to everyone like that.
"Hey I'm the President." said Pres.
"Don't care." said Terr.
"Well this sets a new precedent." said President.
"Didn't you have other people to ask?" asked Terry.
"How bout money?" asked Pres.
"Lemme ask my wifesworth." said Terry.

Terry called his wife Mrs. Kissy Sissy. Who accidenty was kissy withy the neighbor Don Pimples. If Terry found out he would pop Don Pimples in his face. But you can't blame Kissy Sissy for needing some acutainement while Hairy Terry was off being a violent hero.

"So we need you to jump out this plane and storm a village." said Pres.
"Don't want to but will do it for a money, honey." said Terry.
"Okay sweetie you better Bee good." said Pred.
"This pressure sure stings." said Terry.
"Duhn-duhn-duhn!" said an orchestra.

So Terry got into his secret mission plane wishin' he was not, his military suit was hot. His nervous legs rattled and tried to relax and told jokes to each other, like
"What'd the thigh say to the calf?"
"Don't cross me!"
"Ha ha ha, I get it, cuz people always cross their legs." they said to each other. They were muscularious.

It was jump time. Terry said some Hebrew gibberish and jumped. He disappeared in mid-air. Where did he go? Did he die? The Presididn't know and the wife didn't care where. She was just happy to get the money and she fake cried at a memorial service but was so happy she was able to run away with Don Pimples and cheat on him with the pool table boy.

"Looks like you need another need cue." he'd say everyday.

Pres didn't take any responsibility for Terr's disappearance because it was embarrassing for all. But he named a military base after Terry and called The Militerry Base Place. And there was a statue of him disappearing in mid-air that they paid an amateur artist to make, whose career took off afterward. Everyone seemed happy about what Terry's disappearance brought about, except Terry who was disappeared and maybe evaporated or exploded or imploded or abducted by femaliens.


kb+jr said...

Hahah I really like your writing. Hope you come to the Bay Area!

jfSebastion said...

Poor Terry the violent hero. smh

chris said...

Terry Schwartz Fan Art http://santabreath.blogspot.com/2016/03/themiliterrybaseplacejpg.html

Al Vicha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Al Vicha said...

Wow so i just found out your blog and I love ur writing. So you are not just a good actor and comedian but also you are a good writer! What a cracker jack! I'm starting to like you! :D

joshfadem said...

Hey thank you for the nice comments guys and I think i am coming to the bay in march!

KB said...

Please bless up and come to the bay. I'm in LA right now and what a Christmas miracle it would be catch one or your shows while I'm here. Regardless, love those ink drawings on your fliers. So much rage in them!