Sunday, March 8, 2015

The Seeds of True Success

One day a lot of a long time time time ago, Gurbler was walking in the woods around all the woodiness.

"All these trees! A lot of wood!" said Gurbler.
Then a ding ding ding hit his head.
"Wait a second! No one has thought of wood!" said Gurbler real loud.
"I'm a genius!" he said to himself.

In case you're lost, this was so long long ago that wood hadn't been invented yet. And Gurbler was the first to think of it.

"And all this wood is free!" he said. That part was a plus.

Gurbler started making stuff out of wood. He made a lot of profit and his family raked in the benefits. He got old and died. His family inherited the wood business. His son Jammy took it over.

By this time many people started making wood. So Jammy revolutionized the wood business by turning the wood into specific wood things. Like wood dressers. And wood tables. And wood wooden things. Jammy was already rich, but he made more more more money for his rich family. Others made money by making wood tables too.

Jammy and fam were pissed because people had ripped off the wood, now they were ripping off wood tables and things. Jammy eventually died and was very rich anyway. Jammy's son Danner took over. Danner was rich too because of inheritance.

Danner noticed that the wood tables were always splintery or rough.
"Hey Dad, how bouts we put like a nice sheen shine finish on these tables so they don't feel woody and rough?" said Danner.

Dad was dead so didn't respond but Danner felt in his heart it was the thing to do. He made a lot of money off the sheen shine finish. Then people started ripping him off. Then he had a kid, and the kid was a deadbeat who didn't do shit, so he lived off the tons of family money.

Then families and friends across the world started putting their mugs on their fine sheen finishes and ruining them.
"Don't put things on my table!" said people with tables
"Oh sorry." said mug havers.
"Don't you know if you set something on the table it makes a ring?"
"I'm just now starting to learn." they'd say.

Then one day Fanny invented the placemat and coaster. Fanny made tons of money and people started to rip her off. But she was a smart business person. She set in place a serious patent and the coaster and placemat business began to run the country and maybe even the world. They could not be touched.

By this time Danner's deadbeat kid's kid had patented the fine sheen finish, and it also became a very powerful company that could not be threatened. They worked closely with Fanny's company to find ways to stay in power. And it all meant lots of money for Fanny Corp and Danner Jammy Gurbler and Son Co.

It was a powerful partnership. The bigger the table, the more wood used. The more wood used, the more finish needed. The more finish needed, the more coaster and placemats necessary to prevent mug rings.

"Why are rings on tables still an issue in this modern age?" said some Jeff Tuckington, a scientific solution maker with no relation to those corporate biggies, in the year 2015.
"Hmm I never thought about it." said everyone.
"It seems we should be able to eliminate rings." said Jeff.
"I haven't thought about it." said frivolous spender Jim.
"I'm gonna figure this out." said Jeff.

Jeff went and researched and experimented. He found a natural non-toxic element that could be applied easily to wood to give it a nice finish and most importantly would be completely resistant to mugs being placed on it and leaving a ring. It was a mug ring-free finish! Jeff was a genius. This would render the finish, coasters, and placemats nearly obsolete!

"...And that's my pitch!" said Jeff to the patent office, after pitching the idea and practicalities to the patent office.
"Sounds great!" said the clerk, smiling, "just get me back that paper work by Tuesday and write your address on this piece of paper." said the clerk, slipping Jeff a piece of paper.
Jeff walked out of the room. The clerk picked up a telephone and spoke into it,
"Code Magenta." he said.

Jeff walked home elated.
"Honey I made a great pitch and have the paper work in my hand! Let's fill it out together." he told his wife on the phone. And then pop! In an instant Jeff was sniped dead by a big burly war hero programmed to snipe by a mysterious unnamed corporation, or two.

1 comment:

Ronnie Peace said...

Was James Woods invented before or after Girbler discovered wood?