Monday, April 20, 2015

An Underdog Story for Daniel

Hey Daniel. Remember that time you were passive aggressive toward me, and I confronted you and asked you if you had a problem with me and you said you didn't? Then you were even nice to me and I confided all that personal information about my bad experience with a doctor, and an embarrassing sexual encounter I had at a young age, that then happened again in my late 30s, when I should have outgrown such things? Then a bunch of friends told me you told them, and were making fun of me, and saying you didn't like me, and telling them they shouldn't like me either?

Well let me tell you a true underdog story about a little cockroach that got eaten by a cannibalistic cockroach, one of those ones with wings. And the winged cockroach flew all the way across the street from where it was hanging out and picked at a sludge puddle, that a bunch of truck driver boots had stepped in, in a fast food burger joint parking lot, then it crawled down a drain hole that lead up into a white tile bathroom covered in more boot grime and piss tinkles, then it got scooped up in a dustpan and was dumped into a water-free urinal instead of a trashcan. While stuck in the urinal, this cockroach got urinated on many times by many truck drivers and tourists who had been eating MSG Cheeto puffs. Then Larry the Truck Driver, with the thick callous contagious legions on his numb penis, hopped up in front of the urinal and decided to unleash a nice long smelly pee that went all over the cockroach's face and broke one of it's legs. Some how, and for some inexplicable reason, the cockroach managed to flutter it's wings and attach itself to Larry's numb penis. It was numb so he couldn't feel it and didn't know. Larry zipped up and hopped back into his truck.

Larry drove for hours, sweating in his musty jeans. Once his energy drink wore down he decided to pull over at a familiar farm and make love to a dirty boar. It was lonely on the road. The cockroach attached itself to the boar's anus, where it stayed for an afternoon, then it fell in a puddle by a trough. Then an iguana ran and snatched up the cockroach to digest, but not concluding the cockroach's journey. The roach was to pass through the iguana's digestive system, but not before the randy and eager to procreate iguana, found a reliable mate to unite his cloacal region with, which subsequently would be the same space the iguana would pass his cockroach excrement into.

A few weeks later the bloated other iguana would give birth, in captivity, under heavy experimentation, in an underground science cave lab, to a pack of rapidly growing super reptiles keen on world domination. Fueled by experimentation and our resilient cockroach, one of the reptiles, Claudia, would go on to head a large corporation, that owned a string of mental hospitals, who privately released thousands of mental patients, in need of serious treatment, onto the streets of skid row to rot. In Claudia's spare time, she enjoys shaving her pubic hairs, picking other ones off random toilets, collecting them in a plastic baggy and sucking them out of the baggie, she also enjoys sipping on a glass of her own diarrhea. She made a lot of money and was very financially accomplished.

She was a reptile through and through, but her given human name was Claudia. And Daniel, that woman, Claudia, is your mom.

No comments: