Friday, January 9, 2015

Morality Man

Morality Man was the man who came and saved the day and did the right thing! Everyone loved Morality Man. He dressed in a funny costume and showed up at the right time to help people who were in trouble.

"It's the right thing to do!" he'd say.
"Hooray for Morality Man!" said everyone else.

Morality Man didn't tell people what to do, but helped people in need because of his moral conscience. You understand, right? He wasn't a preacher, or a leader. Just a guy admired for his moral ethics. This gained him quite a following.

One day Morality Man got a phone call from a representative of Edgard Mussbinder, a multi-billions heir conglomeration chief operator of CorCo, which was a great corporation, founded by Mussbinder's great-grandfather. A pretty powerful man, if you know what I mean.

"Hello I'm looking for Morality Man."
"This is he." said Morality Man.

The man on the phone was very engaging and complimentary.

"Morality Man, we've noticed that you've garnered a really enthusiastic fan base, which we couldn't be more happy about, because we've loved you for a long time."
"That is so nice of you to say." said Morality Man.
"How'd you like to reach an even bigger audience to spread your moral message?"
"I don't really have a message. I just like to help people." said Morality Man.
"Then maybe you could help people by getting our good message out. It's a great message."
"Oh really?"
"You bet!"
"Well I'm pretty busy helping people."
"We'd pay you handsomely." said the man, "Then you'd have the financial freedom to help whoever you please, whenever you please, or whatever you like."
"Hmm..." said Morality Man.
"Maybe help yourself a little? Eh?"

Morality Man was a man of strong morals, and this sounded like a great deal, so he said yes. CorCo used Morality Man's likeness to send lots and lots of messages to people. He became the smiling trustable face of whatever CorCo had to say.

He went on TV and told people what soaps and soups to buy. The soup he told them to buy was not as good as the soup he preferred to eat. The soup that he ate was high priced, but Morality Man was so rich from endorsing the shitty soup he was able to afford the better soup all the time. Life was nice.

Morality Man's picture was everywhere, all over town, billboards, subways, buses, t-shirts, media screens, and he spent all his time making messages for CorCo. They showered him with compensation so that he'd be able to still help a few unfortunate people at some point.

After a few years Morality Man got word from his lawyer that his contract with CorCo was going to expire. He was nervous because he wanted to keep making these great messages to help people, but CorCo hadn't contacted him about it. He rang them up and shared his concern. They invited him to a secret private meeting with Edgard Mussbinder himself, to discuss his future with CorCo.

They met in a candlelit room, deep underground, in the tallest building of the city. Many of the very high ranking old men from CorCo stood before Morality Man. Then from the shadows Edgard Mussbinder and his assistant appeared.

"We understand that you would like to continue spreading the message for us. And we are prepared to offer you a position that will see you never having to walk amongst the filth again." said the assistant.
"Oh please, yes this sounds wonderful."
"Great. In addition, Mr. Mussbinder would like to urinate on you."
"Sure, if that's what it takes to maintain our great relationship." said Morality Man.

So Edgard Mussbinder removed his tired member and proceeded to urinate all over Morality Man's face and costume. And Morality Man was handed the keys to the kingdom and far more fans than ever imagined.

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