Rrrghgrrhr.

Rrrghgrrhr was the first caveman to think about why he got bored. If you were a person in caveman time you would get so bored of all the cavemen because they are all acting the same and no one thinks to say in caveman language “Hey this cave sucks let’s decorate it!” or “Hey that waterfall is pretty, do you mind if I admit that I think it is pretty?”

Well Rrrghgrrhr thought about these things. While all the other cavemen humped, killed, and screamed at things with careless glee, Rrrghgrrhr did it with a hint of indifference.

Also in caveman time cavepeople covered themselves in feces and jumped around a lot making “Woop! Woop!” noises. Of course you know the story that has been passed down from caveperson to caveperson to stupid person to stupid person to person to you and me about how cavesters hit their women on the head to do it with ‘em. I think that was not the only way cavepeople did it with each other. The men also threw rocks at their cave dingdongs before they figured out to put 'em in the cave ladies. And before that they tried putting their cave dingalings in the cave ladies’ knees. That didn’t work.

Anyway, Rrrghgrrhr was a bored caveperson. He invented boredom. He also thought about inventing the “kiss” because before people just went “Unnghrghhh” instead of kissing. But he could never figure out the proper equation. It was a Bible guy and King Arthur that would later use Rrrghgrrhr’s theories on mouth touching to invent the kiss.

One day Rrrghgrrhr got impaled by an extinct animal’s tusk and rode off a mountain to his death. There is no way of knowing if it was suicide out of boredom or just stupidity because he was still very stupid.

Gustav the Juicer

Gustav new to this country. He very excited to meet friends that are not animal with horns. He come here know no one want to get a job at juice house. So many things that are great about juice. Here are the great things: Make you strong. Make you virile. Have many natural colors of the prism. Smell good make you smell good. Taste good.

Gustav find a nice place to make juice and come up with new combination of juice to drink. No one think to combining this juices! So original! True artist! Gustav is not boss, he have a boss, the boss have long hair for a man, Gustav not used to this, but he accepting of all people, so happy to be here! Opportunity.

Gustav love the juicer.
“Buzz buzz buzz” says the machine!

Be careful though, this juicer is old and does no have the protective guard for you hands that newer version have. But everyone know if you want to taste the love in the juice you have to use old machine. Love is danger! Just like childhood woman with large arm breast. Cannot breathe.

Gustav still no meet lot people in city. That okay because he just meet someone! He meet three people! Costas, Alexander, and Big Harry. These guys into such great business love to make money for people. Always good friend to rely on. So great! Gustav treat like family. He give them juice combine you never even think of. Taste so good compliment the chef. In fact this guys now best friend to Gustav.

One night for business that is very honest and good, Big Harry come to juice shop late at night where Gustav sleep. They are dealings in completely honest business transaction very good for whole family. But Big Harry’s have new friend Tony Rizzo. Rizzo nice man I can tell. He friend of Big Harry. Big Harry say he need private alone time for honest business talk with Rizzo. Gustav no mind he go in other room. Gustav sit eat some wheat and tap toe. Sudden he hear big crash bang. He go in blending room. Why is nice Rizzo trying to hurt Big Harry? “This is my friend!” he think. Big Harry being strangle by Rizzo. Big Harry point at gun on table.

“Gustav! Help me! Shoot this greasy motherfucker!” cry Harry.

Gustav force to shoot Rizzo because he is less new good friend. This no stop him only stun. Rizzo very strong, probably drink juice. Now Big Harry have upper hand. Gustav help Big Harry. Big Harry turn on old blender and put Rizzo face right into the juice while Gustav hold Rizzo hands not know this what will happen. Now Rizzo have been juiced. This not what Gustav want. He only want juice fruit. Not friend. So upset. Big Harry run away take sleeping Rizzo with him. Gustav clean up mess he no see this friend again.

Robby's Friends - Part I

Robby was so in love with this girl. She was fat, but so was he so you know they’re both good-hearted people. Anyway, she wasn’t in love with Robby so much. She was secretly in love with this more good looking fat guy. He was more slick and stuff. It wasn’t like she did anything wrong. She just fell harder for this other guy. Robby just didn’t have everything she needed. No one’s a bad guy here. And by the way, when I say “fat” I don’t mean like super fat. Just like regular sized people who look like they’re from the Midwest.

So fast forward to a few years later. Robby is much thinner, but he’s still not more good looking than the slick fat guy. He’s also still alone and hung up on the girl. One day he’s walking in a not so great neighborhood and he witnesses a drive-by on a taco stand. He was just thinking about eating a taco too! In a second I will reveal that it was just an initiation drive-by shooting w/ blanks and there was no one at the taco stand. So a bunch of doods roll back around and get out their ride surveying the taco stand congratulating each other. “Nice Job” “We really shot it up good!” “I feel very good about our work tonight.”

“Hey you guys that was scary! What were you thinking!?” said Robby.

“Hi there, we’re the Crips we’re a tough gang!”

“Well I’m Robby and I was just walking around here and feeling sad.”

“Hey man, why you got to feel sad? Is it about a bitch?”

“Yeah I guess so.”

So Robby and the Crips became very good unlikely friends.

Then Robby was walking down a street one time and he met some Bloods on accident and they started talking about Basketball Cards and became friends. The Crips found out and were like “Hey we don’t like those guys, that’s not so nice that you are becoming friends with them, you know we’re enemies right?” Robby felt like he was really stuck in between a rock and another rock like place because it didn’t seem fair that one group of friends would tell him that he couldn’t be friends w/ another group of friends. Not to mention he was still lonely, although the Crips did have some very good girl advice for him.

To Be Continued…

Edgar.

Edgar rolled out of bed and scratched his balls, but didn’t wash his hands for the rest of the day. He had a dog but forgot to feed it. The dog was still nice though.

“Ruff” it said to the mailman.

So more about Edgar. He was in a shitty mood, because he had a wife 7 years ago and she treated him badly. She cheated on him. Lied. Gave him Herpes. And divorced him and because he’s lazy and disorganized she managed to get a lot of his money. Also after he was divorced he dated one person and slept with her during a Herpes outbreak and didn’t tell her. Then she got herpes. She was pissed. He probably felt bad, but didn’t really react because what’s he going to do, he already hates himself. Anyway so he’s alone.

Somedays he calls his mom to leave her a message and whine about how he has no money. She has lots of money. He hopes she’ll die. Today specifically was a not too unusual day for Edgar. He went to a restaurant and ordered a sandwich in a nonspecific way. A Rueben at a Gutterman’s Diner. Gutterman’s is known for making the best Corned Beef Ruebens. Signs all over. "Try our corned beef Reuben!" "Best Reuben in town!" "Zagat’s loves our Reuben w/ Corned Beef specifically". So fuckin’ Edgar comes here and says “Gimme the Reuben.” They bring him their famous Reuben. And what does this shitbrain do? He sends it back because he wanted Pastrami. “I wanted Pastrami!” Even though he didn’t specify. On the way back to his car he keyed someone else’s because he hates himself and is lonely.

The End.

I resurface in the blogworld for the hell of it

Well it's been 2 and a half years since I've touched this thing. I was digging in my drawers past all the panties that I wear and aspirin bottles I've gone through and wouldn't you know, laying underneath some old high school yearbooks, I found this blog!

So as I mentioned in my subject heading, I resurface to find all the people that never read it 3 years ago! But maybe people will gradually find it and skim through it. Like YOU, person reading this, months after I posted it! Rather than reviewing movies and trying to be all David Bordwelling of tears, or Leonard Maltshake, or Rex Reed a book ya dope, or Elvis Mitchell out and smoke a j bro, and try to be all movie critic and websitey. I'll write little stories and the title of the blog can still be justified because they are like wonderful little movies that I watch IN MY IMAGINATION!!! Isn't that IMAAAGINATION WONDERFUL?

So here's a short story I wrote yesterday. I'll post it in a separate post. For POSTerity.

I barely remember a giallo I saw.

Cold Eyes of Fear - directed by Enzo G. Castellari




Usually I love pictures directed by the underrated & under-the-radar Enzo Castellari. His films are stylish & sleazy & often kick some serious ass. I think he's extremely creative. This one is considered his only entry in the giallo genre, & while stylish it is also quite dull.... frowny frown. It's just that I can't remember what the hell it's about. I watched it then once it was over I was like oh...did I watch that? I think it's about a couple or something (the lady's the guy's mistress?) that don't like each other & then this guy comes over & he's a dirt bag & then a cop comes over & the couple's thinkin' "oh thank god" but the dirtbag's like "don't try nothin!". Then the man's like "okay I won't." but he tries somethin anyway & the cop knocks him out & dirtbag's like "ha ha!" & the cop's like "i'm a bad guy, dumbass!" somethin' like that. I think they all want money.

I can't complain TOO hard, it's nice looking, & it's got a great Morricone score, which is always an exciting plus for me, personally. I'd recommend it as a crime heavy giallo drama, (as opposed to suspenseful murderer one) specifically to fans of the genre, because most giallos are rather boring, in my opinion. You really have to dig for the awesome ones. (also, that's NOT to say that if you hear of a giallo marathon to not invite me, asshole! just kidding you're not an asshole.) The opening sequence is so cool & a great example of how fun Castellari is to watch. I'LL SPOIL IT IF YOU KEEP READING...it's not really a bad spoiler because it's at the beginning, but what happens is, this girl is being naked & sexy & then a dood comes up w/ a knife & is planning on stabbing her...or maybe she stabs him...i actually forgot, then they take off their clothes. But the big reveal is the camera zooms out to reveal an applauding crowd, we've been watching a stage show. awesome! Then we're suddenly in some swinging club w/ the Ennio Morricone music.

I watched a bunch of stuff again.

Charlie Chaplin Mutuals



We showed 6 Chaplin films that he made w/ Mutual @ the Silent Movie Theatre. I'm not going to recap them but they're all great. This period is considered one of Chaplin's strongest because he was really coming into his own as a filmmaker, his Tramp character had developed quite a bit & he knew it quite well, & he was granted total creative freedom w/o fat ol' Mack Sennett breathin' down his ass. These films were made between 1916 & 1917. If you watch them pay special attention to Eric Campbell. He's Chaplin's heavy & plays the villian in almost all of them. He died in 1917--car crash. He & Chaplin had great chemistry & Chaplin preferred Campbell as the heavy because they played well together. There is a really fantastic documentary on Eric Campbell called Chaplin's Goliath. Check it out. Also check out the other 6 Mutuals at the Silent Movie Theatre this month on August 19th.

-The Floor Walker
-The Vagabond
-Easy Street
-The Cure
-The Immigrant
-The Adventurer


Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks - directed by Robert Oliver



I saw this at the monthly Grindhouse Festival at the New Beverly. (ps please support the New Beverly it's always fun, even when the movies aren't so good) As for this movie... sucked. it's about uhhh like a boring castle & maybe someone wants to touch some boobs or something... & there's a caveman & a pissed off dwarf & they do bad shit...i already forgot, this one was boring, don't bother watching it....unless you're into bad Harry Novak produced 70s horror w/ frilly period costumes along w/ 70s sideburns. Oh I do remember one scene I liked. Dr. Frankenstein has this sexy stupid scared woman & he's got one of his monsters on the table & he's testing the monster's reactions to things so he's like "Suzy"---I don't remember if the character's name is Suzy or not but I'll call her that-- "Suzy, I'm going to kiss you in front the monster to test his jealousy instincts" or something like that. So he kisses the babe & the monster's like "rrawroooh!" & then Dr. F's like "Suzy I'm gonna rough you up & slap you to test his protective angry instincts." or something. Then he starts slappin' Suzy & the monster gets pissed. But the monster's tied to the table so he can't do anything about it. That was the only scene where I looked up & was like "orrwoohh!" Maybe there's a parallel w/ the the monster & the audience about that scene. That scene in the movie was like "Hey Movie, I'm going to test Josh's interest by putting a slightly interesting scene in & seeing if he reacts." so they put that good scene, then they were like "Now I'm gonna test to see how he reacts to boring shit." & I got bored. It's also the only movie this director directed.



Timerider - directed by William Dear



This movie has Fred Ward....the dreamy Fred Ward... as a guy whose name they keep repeating over & over in the beginning of the movie. Swann!!! Swann is a buttkickin' bikerider & he rides his bike to a spot where they're doing experiments & boring exposition I wasn't really listening to. Anyway their little science project has a quick hiccup & Swann is standing in the wrong spot & gets shot back to the old west where the bad guys love his bike! The title implies that he's going to ride through time...at least I imagined lots of time, but he really only rides to one time. Oh yeah this movie was cowritten & produced by Mike Nesmith of The Monkees! He also did a kickass synthy rock score. SPOILERS THAT YOU SHOULD READ ANYWAY: Swann has sex w/ this major babe who we later find out is his great great granny. Also, they set up a monkey early in the movie like it's gonna be important & then they never show it again!!! what the krap!



The Sleuth - directed by Joe Rock (but really Stan Laurel I bet!)



This is a Stan Laurel solo silent short film. I'd like to just say that I think Stan Laurel is genius. Sure everyone loves him, but I think he's AS GOOD AS Chaplin & Keaton. Better than Harold Lloyd. I've watched a lot of his solo stuff, there's a DVD set of them, check it out. Before he teamed up w/ Oliver Hardy, he did lots of shorts on his own & had a very specific brand of "crazy humor" which, if viewed now, come off quite modern & silly. But physically he's amazing too & I think he didn't always showcase himself in Laurel & Hardy as he did on his own. Anyway, The Sleuth is wacky & ridiculous & has a lot of silly gags that are fun to watch. & Stanley's physical comedy is brilliant. There's also some funny "dummy humor". This short was shown because he poses as a woman & we showed it before a Harry Langdon feature film where Langdon dresses as a woman.


That's My Wife - a Laurel & Hardy silent



This is a Laurel & Hardy silent short. In this one Ollie keeps ignoring his wife & she leaves him but that means he won't get the money that his uncle was going to give to him. He has to be married. So he makes Stan dress up like a woman (again) so he'll get the money. I love this shit, it's funny--what more do you want!? (also shown before the Langdon feature).



The Chaser - directed by Harry Langdon



Even Harry Langdon's son, Harry Langdon Jr., who introduced this film said that it wasn't one of his best. Langdon directed it himself, presumably because he'd burned a few bridges w/ the folks who made his career. I have seen a few of his films, his schtick seems to primarily be that he's cute. Baby faced. Awww! Perhaps the silent movie equivalent of Jimmy Fallon. The film is about how Harry is given a court order to wear a dress & act like a woman. There's some silly stuff in it, but it really goes on a little & it's unfortunately slightly forgettable. It's interesting of note that he spends most of the movie in a dress. So the visual absurdity of it is pretty interesting...other than that not a lot. A fellow wrote kind of a mean but good review of it here on IMDB.


Rambo: First Blood Part II - directed by George P. Cosmatos



In this movie shit blows up. A lot. Like a lotta shit. Blowing up. What happens in this movie is Rambo's cheerleader, Richard Crenna, comes to visit Rambo at his prison place & tells him he's got a get outta jail free mission. All he's gotta do is go do this hard shit where he takes pictures. Rambo's like hmm okay. Then Charles Napier tells him the details because he's the main guy in charge. Rambo goes to do the mission & he finds a POW--which wasn't expected. & they're about to pick him up & then Charles Napier turns into a big meanie & is like "mimimimi abort the mission!" & the copter leaves Ramby clear in the dust! Boy does Rambo get pissed. & because Richard Crenna keeps telling us that Rambo is an unstoppable badass, we get to see Rambo kickass & blow stuff up real hard in order for him to free the POWs & get back to base...or the place..or wherever. Gosh, I had some other things about this movie I really wanted to touch on...but I watched it a like week ago & I guess it just didn't stick w/ me hard enough.

The main thing of note is the difference between the filmmakers' intention of how audience is supposed to feel during this movie & during the first movie, First Blood. First Blood is about what happens when a "trained killer", taught to not have feelings, is oddly placed back into society & forced into a situation where he can either express his feelings, (which he doesn't know how to do) or he can retaliate. The drama is similar to that of watching a helpless kid get picked on. The country made him the way he is & they are not dealing w/ the psychological & social ramifications war has on people's lives. As a result you get post-war Rambo fucking up rednecks who fucked w/ him. Who is responsible? Rambo, who doesn't know how to get reintegrated in a society that he feels doesn't want him? Or the government, who went to war & made him the way he is, made him feel he was being heroic, then shat him out--w/o ever training him for "social combat"? First Blood is a very smart movie that poses some very intelligent/important questions. In Rambo: First Blood Part II, the important questions asked are "Hey, remember that badass lead dood from First Blood? What would happen if you placed that dood in some serious combat & pissed him off?" The answer is: a popcorn blockbuster w/ lots of shit blowing up! It's a completely different movie w/ completely different intentions.

You can delineate the difference in the titles of the movies. The first movie is called "First Blood". "They drew first blood!" Rambo exclaims. That's the message. This one's called "Rambo" because it's about fuckin' Rambo! He's the star! Not that boring old message from the first one. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just completely different. & a lot dumber. But, boy does Rambo kick some ass!!


The Car - directed by Elliot Silverstein



Brolin is rollin...w/ THE CAR! I saw two really stupid stoner doods in the video store once, fighting over renting this movie. That's pretty much why I rented it. One wanted to buy it but he didn't have the money because it's way out of print. The other wouldn't lend him money because he was waitin' on a "thing" to go through in his account. They seriously went back & forth for a good ten minutes right in front of the counter while everyone stared. "Just get it, bro!" "I can't do it, though!" "Why don't you just get it!" "Cuz I gotta wait for this thing!" "Just get it though."

So this movie is about an evil car that comes out of nowhere & terrorizes a town. It's pretty entertaining. Some big funny characters. It starts out killing some bikeriders & a wacky hitchiker who plays a french horn & wants to get laid. Then it makes it's way to town & starts killing folks & a lady who doesn't speak English tells James Brolin that it doesn't have a driver & he's like kinda like whoa doc this is heavy. The Car kills everyone by stabbing! Just kidding but that would be awesome. Yeah the car's kind of a one trick pony. I mean geez, car..can't you get a little more creative? Lemme guess how this next guy's gonna die...gasp you ran him over!? Hmm, guess I don't have much to say about the movie other than it was pretty fun to watch. James Brolin's son is starring in the new Coen Bros. movie & he looks like his dad in this movie. Except Josh is becoming a little more grisled. Like he's taking over for Nick Nolte or something. Maybe Josh Brolin is the the illegimate son of James Brolin & Nick Nolte. I'd do a picture matchup but I can't find a pic of James Brolin in The Car. Have to take my word for it.


Love and Bullets - directed by Stuart Rosenberg



This movie kicked ass. Bronson at his naturalistic acting best. Steiger is so awesome as the the mob boss w/ a stutter. I wish this were on DVD. This movie starts out w/ a bang (awesome car chase) & stays entertaining all the way through. So much good stuff going for it. It's a geniunely good movie. I'm not just saying I like it for irony's sake. Rod Steiger plays a stuttering mob boss & delivers a couple of brilliant scenery chewing monologues. It's pretty funny the notion that a guy w/ a goofy stutter could rise to the status that his character is supposed to hold. I am guessing that was a creative choice made by Rod Steiger, & not in the script. But I could be wrong. It also features Henry Silva!! That's right. Bronson vs. Silva. ethnic looking badass vs. ethnic looking badass. We all know that Bronson would take Silva any day though & that's why we never actually see them face off in the movie. That might be my only complaint. Well there's also some abrupt dissolves that seem to move the plot along, but on the positive side of that, the movie never gets boring. It's about a mob boss, Steiger, who is advised by lawyers & goombas (one of them Val Avery) to have his wife/love/charactery blonde/whatever, Jill Ireland (Mrs. Bronson) offed because she's been around him long enough to implicate him. So the mob hires sexy Silva to get the job done. Bronson has to start protecting her, & guess who falls in love!!?

I really enjoyed this movie & hope someone sticks it widescreen on DVD or plays it on a big screen. Bronson kills some doods w/ a blow gun that he made. Also, John Huston started to direct this movie, but had to quit for some reason. Here's a great review of it that I read.


The Simpsons Movie - directed by David Silverman



Was pretty funny. I laughed. I haven't watched The Simpsons tv show in like 10 years. I don't hate it, I guess I just lost interest. This one's about The Simpsons (Homer) pissing everyone off & then clever satirical parallels are made to the country & current adminstration's big mistakes & liberals get a good hearty laugh! & righties learn a very special lesson & the world is saved! yay!



I Now Pronounce You Chuck an Larry - directed by Dennis Dugan



I didn't hate it. I didn't particularly love the Rob Schneider in yellowface.... (if i say that will he email me & tell me I'm a jerk?) I actually didn't expect to enjoy this movie. I read a review that wasn't favorable & i was like "oh yeah I'm gonna hate that too." then i saw it in Phoenix cuz it was hot. I gave myself a double feature of this & the Simpsons. One thing to note about this movie. It is nicely shot. Nothing amazing, but compared to the bright & krappy cinematography of most studio comedies, the look of this one tricks my brain into thinking it's going to be better quality.

So yeah, Chuck & Larry are best pal firefighters & whichever one Kevin James plays is sad cuz he misses his dead wife & a technicality makes it so he can't get money because he didn't respond to some mail about how his wife died...something like that. Anyway his loophole is that if he were married (to anyone) he'd get the big bux to keep him from dying. He also saved Adam Sandler's character's (chuck?larry?)'s life so Adam/chuck/larry/Sandler is like hey i'll do anything (for love but i won't do that) for you now that you saved me life. Sandler's character starts out a real homophobie womanizer & then guess what happens! He learns to love & appreciate gay people & women in a way he wouldn't have done otherwise. There's a lotta obvious lessons that seem to be touched on in this movie, but whatever, I liked it, it was entertaining. I don't think I really laughed so much in it, but I found it enjoyable.

I kept thinking as I watched the movie, "Oh there's still stupid people out there who need to learn about this stuff...maybe some of them are big Adam Sandler fans & he can teach them to love gay people too." There's a part (SPOILER MAYBE?) toward the end where they're put on the spot to prove their homosexuality & they're pressured to kiss eachother in front of lots of people. They play it up like "Oh no what are we gonna do!? Scary, gross we gotta kiss!!!?", but at this point in the movie we've been through all the ups & downs, watched them grow as best friends, sleep in the same bed, get more secure w/ their sexuality/"fauxmosexuality" (i just made that term up it means gay-fakers, like it?), & their characters have so much at stake, it just seems so stupid for them to not dive right in & kiss. They've spent the whole movie masquerading & "hilariously" alluding to so much more, just fuckin' kiss! I didn't buy that part, & I think it was pandering to those audience members who might still, at that point, be scared & infuriated by homosexuality. Boo! (SPOILER'S OVER!) Oh yeah one highlight that sticks out in my mind was Ving Rhames. Even when it was over the top, he brought a sincerity to his character that a few others in the movie didn't. He's awesome. More Ving Rhames in movies please, thanks!



Okay that's all for now. I should do this more often so it doesn't take up so much time writing 10 at once or whatever.