Gertie in the Wrong Place

Gertie was walking around in the dark room. It was a room filled with dark. She couldn't see.

She had been looking for a snack in the kitchen after she was looking for a stapler to staple some papers and a drawing she thought would go well together because the drawing was a drawing of a fellow she dreamed about a couple of times who she wasn't sure if was from her past but it was an incomplete drawing because she felt she needed a special deep black charcoal pencil though she wasn't a trained artist but the paper featured instructions on how to draw the figure properly should she meet some sort of brain damaging accident or straight on demise which is why the instructions in the papers were important to her even though in the larger scale the figure in her dream and legacy of what she was doing by putting instructions together was excessive and didn't really mean anything and she probably was not actually important enough to warrant someone finishing this minuscule side project but the pencil type she was after was not where she thought she had left it she was always leaving things in places where they shouldn't have been and she herself found herself in places she shouldn't have been like the time she was in a man's home who would go on to be accused of murdering a woman who looked like her and his whole defense team in the legal system wound up dead before he could be convicted so it was a deferred trial but he had a family connection to Russian drug traffickers though he himself was not Russian and she herself was not a drug addict it was just a place Gertie found herself in much like the dark room because the kitchen didn't have the snacks she was after and the stapler didn't have any staples but she kept the staples in the fridge sometimes but the fridge only had snacks she wasn't looking for like bell peppers and gummie chews which reminded her that gummie chews didn't go in the fridge they went in the pantry which was in the garage which didn't have a car in it because she didn't drive but the garage came with the home and she did live and she needed the home but it had storage in it and a pantry which should have been in the kitchen instead of the garage because her home layout matched her propensity to not keep things in the proper places like the pantry where the gummies should have been placed which reminded her to check for a more desirable drier snack in the pantry in the garage which was used for storage which was filled with dark which was the color of the charcoal pencil she needed for the drawing of the man in her memory which may have been concocted by an amalgam of multiple childhood experiences like the time she was trapped in a dark closet and heard stomping and fell asleep and woke up safe in the traveling circus day care which kept her completely safe but her parents were so panicked that harm may have come to her when they arrived that they implanted the feelings of a trauma with their fear so trauma in her life became associated with the feeling of safety which is why when she was in the frightful dark room and she bumped into the plants she kept there and the wilted leaves tickled her arm she screamed.

"Ahhhh!"

Though no harm had actually come to her. She had forgotten why she was in the dark.

Leo the Lawyer Gives His All

Leo the Lawyer tried to be a lawyer all the time, all the day, all his life, he worked so hard at being a lawyer. He even went to law school. He even read the books. He even wrote down fine print real well. He couldn't do it though. He couldn't get the cases. He kept telling himself "I should quit." But then he would still keep trying to be a lawyer and not being one.

"I should quit." he thought.

He consulted friends, "I think I should quit."

"I don't know maybe you shouldn't." they'd say. 

"I want to quit. I should quit." he'd say.

Then he'd keep trying to be a lawyer. Hard. He made a commercial to try to get cases.

"Do you want someone who will fight for you? I will represent you and I will fight for you!" Leo the Lawyer said in the commercial to try to get some cases. Then he didn't get much cases and when he got them he didn't win them. Then he thought to himself "I should quit I should quit I should quit I should quit." and he kept thinking to himself he should quit.

Leo saw a case one day that he really wanted. "I want that case." he said. Then he didn't get it. "I should quit." he said next. Then he spent the next 30 years trying to get more cases and win them but losing them and saying things like "I should quit." and "This is shit, I should quit."

Then one day his heart gave out and he died but he never quit. Even though he said he should. He lived a full length life. He never quit. Then he went up to Dead Heaven and the Oh Heavenly Father of Dead said

"Hey you spent your life saying you should quit and you never did."

"Father of Heavenly Death of Heaven, have I made a mistake? Have I wasted my life? Should I have quit? Or was I a fool for spending so much time thinking I should quit? Or was I noble in my perseverance despite my desire to quit? Or was I a fool to not indulge my desire to quit? Did I do it wrong, Oh Heavenly Father of Wisdom?"

"I don't know." said Heavenly Father.

"You don't know?" said Leo the Lawyer.

"No, what are you askin' me for? Do I look like an expert or something?"

"Well I thought maybe..."

"You know, people are always asking me stuff like that, but what do I know? How do I know the answer, they must expect a lotta me, it's too much pressure. I should have an answer for 'em but I don't. I don't know what to tell 'em. I should just quit."

"Maybe I shoulda quit." said Leo the Lawyer.

Then Leo the Lawyer and Father of Heavenly Heavens both had panic attacks.

Melvin's Party Antics

"Hey I'm a great masseuse and it's a competitive field the masseuse field. Some people branch out and try to get into chiropracting as well as masseusing then they get into acupuncture and it becomes very complicated. Me I just stick with masseuseness. I don't want to be spread too thing. When people start dilly dallying in multiple fields like that they lose focus of their one true passion. I understand the pressures of wanting to succeed and expand your market, but I truly believe passion for what you're doing comes first and if you put your passion first then you lead the way of where your passion is taking you." said Melvin.
"Neat. Thanks for telling me that stuff." said Prune.
"Anyway enough about me and my passion. What's your name?" said Melvin.
"It's Prune." said Prune.
"Ooh that's such a pretty name." said Melvin.
"Did it used to be Plum?" said Melvin, jokingly.
"Hehe." said Prune.
"What, didn't you think that joke was funny?" asked Melvin.
"Well I've heard it a lot."
"Oh." suddenly Melvin got embarrassed because he thought he was being so clever and interesting but he was just saying the same stuff everyone said to Prune.
"This is a pretty nice party and neat old house, huh?" said Melvin.
"I have to go to the bathroom." said Prune.

Prune didn't really have to go to the bathroom. She just wanted to get away from Melvin because of the dumb plum joke he made. Melvin stood there sipping his drink. A ghost haunted up to him.

"Hey I was sitting and listening to you, you sounded like a real blowhard." said the ghost.
"Who said that?" said Melvin.
"Me that ghost. This house is old. Ghosts, a lot of us." said the ghost.
"Oh. Scary."
"Not really. But anyway you loved talking about yourself and that bad joke... heh..." said the ghost.
"Hey! Lot of pressure I don't know what to say. I'm just trying to make a living as a masseuse." said Melvin.
"I understand, I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I just stand around and listen to conversations, I've gotten pretty good judgement at this point." said the ghost.
"I had high expectations about coming here I'll admit." said Melvin.
"I can tell cuz your hair looks like you put a lot of work into it." said the ghost.
"Agh I'm suddenly embarrassed. I'm going to leave. Hey would you mind telling some people about my masseuse business?" said Melvin.
"Yeah I'll haunt a few people about it. Good luck." said the ghost.

Melvin went home and looked in the mirror. "I'm so stupid. And kind of a failure. Damnit." he said.

Melvin went to work the next week and gave a lonely massage to a paranormal specialist who wasn't sure how he found out about the place.

"Hey... that party wasn't so bad after all." thought Melvin.

Detective Douf

Detective Douf was on the case.

"Hey is this a clue?" he said.
"Hey are you a crook?" he'd ask.
"Hey who did the crime?!" he'd say.
"Hey what's the evidence?" he'd go.
"Aw Detective Douf you stink!" said Jim Rogers.

Jim Rogers was a Detective judger. He'd walk in the room first, then say it. He had a puffed out chest too, so you know that was intimidating.

"Aw no I stink?" said Detective Douf.
"That's right, get off the case." said Jim Rogers.
"You have case offing power?" asked Detective Douf.
"Yes I do!" said Jim Rogers.

So Detective Douf went home and cried and cried.
"Aww I'm off the case! I stink! This is no good. I guess I'll drink."

Then he hit the drink.
"Now I'm drunk! I stink and I'm drunk! I was on the case and I stunk!"

Before you going feeling too bad for Detective Douf. First of all try to remember that he lucked into the job and someone who would have been better at it got the job. But his grandfather Captain Schmubs put a call in. So that's not super fair. Second of all try to remember that Detective Douf was mean to people sometimes. One time he told Sniffy Rogers she had big hands and two left feet for ears. Sniffy was sad sad sad about it. See? Not so likable now.

"Awww I'm a bad guy. I done bad things. I am surprised I didn't do the crime!" said Detective Douf.

He started thinking about the bad things he's done. "Aw that was bad, and that was bad, and that was bad, and that was too. Hey wait a second!" That's when it dawned on him. He grabbed his detective coat and and headed for the door.

Detective Douf went over to Jim Rogers house.
"Hey Jim Rogers! Guess what?! I figured a thing out. I know when you were mean to me cuz I was mean to Sniffy Rogers. And guess who Sniffy Rogers is? Your sister! Rogers/Rogers?! Make sense?"
"Looks like you cracked the case of why I wanted you off the case. You're pretty good."
"Can I be back on the case?" asked Detective Douf.
"The case was already solved, sorry." said Jim Rogers
"Damn."
"Damn? You're supposed to want the case to be solved, you're a Detective."
"Oh. Guess I've got a lot to learn. Damn." said Detective Douf.

Kibble Bibber the Cheese Dancer

Kibble Bibber was a Cheese Dancer. He thought he was real good too. He was a cocky Cheese Dancer. He judged other Cheese Dancers.

"These guys don't know the first rule of cheese dancing. Or the last!" he scoffed.

It was true that most people were laughable cheese dancers. Sometimes in his brain ball, despite his experience and knowledge Kibble would question whether he was really any good at Cheese Dancing. But for the rest of the world the evidence was in the eclair. Kibble Bibber chipped away at his craft, carving out a David of reputation. But Kibble Bibber did it for the love. Everyone knew there was no more money in Cheese Dancing. You either had to be Crust Kisser or a Sprinkle Tinkler, which to Kibble Bibber were all lame water perversions of Cheese Dancing.

One day Kibble Bibber stepped off the cheese platform. Moisture forming on his brow.
"Phew. Another Cheese Dance for the books." he said to himself.
"Mark that one on my memory wall." said Kibble to his Little Coach, which was the name for assistant in Cheese Dancing.
"Hey are you Kibble Bibber?" said a man.
"Don't be sewage, of course I am!" said Kibble.
"I'm Bongo Man."
"And? Say something of substance or I have to walk."
"Hey hey you wanna cheese dance at this cheese dancehall spreadhouse?" said the Bongo Man.

At first this sounded like a sudsy proposition.
"Uh, uh..." said Kibble Bibber
"We think you could do it real good."

But then it sounded like maybe something that could flow oranges.
"Uh, uh..." said Kibble.
"You want to let us know?" said Bongo Man.

Kibble was scared. Kibble didn't think the dancehall was that great. But then he thought maybe he just thought it wasn't that great because he was scared. And any dancehall was as good as the next as long as Kibble was Cheese Dancing to the best of his ability. So he said yes anyway. Bongo Man didn't really seem to know much about cheese dancing. It could be a place that Kibble Bibber could try some stuff out.

"This is going to be a walk on the cake." said Kibble Bibber to himself.

But then in the nights leading up to the dancehall spreadhouse cheese dance Kibble started to sweat. He started to soften. His glands began to get warm. He started to swim in thoughts. He got soggy eyed.

"Am I even any good at cheese dancing? Maybe I never was..." he thought. "Am I just cocky bravado and no cheese dance ability?" he thought some more. "Maybe though, that's all the cheese dancing is is cocky bravado." he reckoned. Then he thought "No no this is too difficult to bear, I ought to slop myself in the brain and say goodnight to life." And he was ounces away from doing it. Until he was saved by a thought. "Maybe I'll bravado my way through and if they catch me and freeze me then I'll slop myself in the brain and say good night to life."

So he didn't slop himself in the brain goodnight and they didn't catch and that was the secret to Cheese Dancing, which Kibble Bibber didn't share until he was a cemented legend, at 87 years old, in an interview about the craft of Cheese Dancing.

The Evil Overlord Goes to the Mall

The Evil Overlord had a pointy little goatee!

"Mmm, ooh, hehehe I will rule the kingdom!!!" said The Evil Overlord, as he stroked his tiny little pointy goatee. His eye brows were pointy too. They pointed up so he looked very wizardy. They were extra black.

"Mmmehh heh heh! Soon all the goodies will be miiine!" he said.
"Yes master!" said his deformed assistant, who secretly rolled his eyes at the Evil Overlord.

The Evil Overlord and his assistant went to the shopping mall because The Evil Overlord wanted to go check out the spring line of shorts at the department store. The assistant hated it. It was so boring. The Evil Overlord had to touch every damn article of clothing. Why?

"Hmm... this could be good. This seems like it might fit me too." said The Evil Overlord. The deformed assistant waited patiently but wanted to kill himself.
"Excuse me, hun." said the Evil Overlord to the lady who worked at the department store.
"Yes?" she said.
"Do you have these in a size 34?" he said lifting up a pair of khaki shorts.
"Let me check." She said.

The deformed assistant was very annoyed because The Evil Overlord had like four pair of khaki shorts just like the ones he'd asked the girl to go check on. The Evil Overlord wound up buying more stuff. Afterwards they strolled the mall and a sassy stoner told The Evil Overlord that his pointy goatee looked stupid.

"What? No it looks cool." said The Evil Overlord.
"Nah it's like dumb and cheesy." said the sassy stoner.
"You don't know what you're talking about, I look menacing!" said The Evil Overlord.
"Your pointy eyebrows look dumb too."
"No. No they don't."
"Do you dye them?" said the sassy stoner.
"Uh..." said the Evil Overlord.
"There's just no way they are that black for how wrinkled your face is." said the sassy stoner.

The Evil Overlord went home and shaved his pointy goatee.
"You don't look very evil or menacing anymore." said the deformed assistant.

Janice and Flower Almost Become Friends

Janice and Flower were talking and having a great bond and becoming friends. They moved on the the subject of organization. Flower was color coordinated and had her top tucked into her skirt. Janice was a rag doll lady with a mop head of hair.

"I'm messy." said Janice.
"I'm clean." said Flower.
"Oh well that's great to know."
"I'm great at being clean."
"Fantastic." said Janice.

Flower looked very smug and proud.
"Did you think it was great to know because you think I am very interesting?"

That wasn't why Janice said it was great to know.
"Well sure. But I also thought it was great to know because maybe you could help me be clean some time."

Flower furrowed her clean brow and looked incredulous.
"What? Ew! No! I don't want to get near your messiness." said Flower.

Janice looked embarrassed. She realized she had only admitted to being messy because they had been having a vulnerable talk and Janice felt comfortable sharing personal information with Flower.

"I just think messy is so gross and that is really the main reason why I am so clean." said Flower.
"Ah. Well... yes. Makes sense." said Janice, clamming up.
"If I get near mess it just messes me up. It's why I am always clean and never messy."
"I just wanted some maybe tips or something."
"My tip is keep your messy away from me." said Janice.

Janice thought Flower was over reacting and being harshly judgmental after Janice had opened up to Flower. But Flower wanted Janice to close that open spot up. She just couldn't handle it.

"Let me tell you a secret." said Janice.
"Okay." said Flower.

Then Janice looked at the sun and got an intense beam of light into her face. She took a quick deep breath, squeezed her eyes shut, put her face in the secret whisper position and then expelled a harcore sneeze into Flower's ear.

Flower did not like it and their blooming friendship was over. But the revenge was sweet.