Little Precious Needs a Friend

Little Precious was oh so lonely and she looked at her backyard.
"Why are there no trees!?" she shouted and pouted at her yard.

She did the same thing for many days and months and weeks in a row.
"No plants to keep me company?! Boo and Hoo!" she said.

"I'm so alone. I need a friend." she lamented loudly. Little Precious was also 32 years old.

One day she ran outside and shouted again, "Still nothing?! Who will keep me company!?" Then she threw a handful of seeds at the ground. Then she forgot that she did that.

"I'm so alone!" she shouted as she ran around in her house. Then she picked up her telephone receiver, "Ring ring ring!" she shouted, "Yes it's me, who is there?" she said, "It's me!" she said back to herself, "Oh hi!" she said, enthusiastically. "Hi!" she said back, "Are you my friend?" she asked, "No!" she said back to herself. "Why not?" she said, "Because I'm nobody! Goodbye!", then she slammed the phone down and said "Dammit! That wadn't no friend calling for me, it was just me!" Then she spat on the floor. "Doesn't count!"

Then she ran around and stamped on the wood floors making clunk noises. Then she picked up a crucifix that she kept in her drawer that she kept pencils and scissors.

"Oh dear Lord almighty God in heaven who is our saint and fatherly spirit of the guiding light..."
Then she coughed real loud because she had a tickle in her throat left over from a cold that she'd had months ago, "won't you bless me with a loving friend, in whatever form that you see fit?"

The crucifix didn't respond. Little Precious got mad and threw it back in the drawer.
"I wasted my time praying just now!" she shouted. Then she went and made more clomping pouting stamping sounds that echoed through the house.
"I was gonna respond, I was just thinking." said the crucifix muffled through the drawer. She couldn't hear it over her stamping.

One day she walked outside. And saw a beautiful tree. Our Lord's earthly nature had granted her a friend, it seemed.

"A friend? For me? A tree? Hi tree!"
"Hi Little Precious." said the tree.
"You're my friend, tree. Finally. You came for me."
"Actually, you brought me here." the tree said with a loving smile.
"What?" said Little Precious.
"You threw seeds at the ground. You planted them. And now I'm here. Your loyal friend."
"You mean you're only here because I planted the seeds?!"
"Yes, but I'm still your friend." said the tree.
"You didn't come here specifically to see me??! Doesn't count!"

Then she slammed the backyard door shut, and said "Dammit!" and went back inside and stamped around until a mailman finally came and visited her, then left. Then she stamped around some more and a baby fell out of her legs. Then she was mad that the baby only was there because there was an egg in her uterus at the right time, so it didn't count as a friend.

Alligator Eat Adventures

The Alligator wanted to go eat some stuff. He was hungry.

"Anybody else hungry?" said Alligator.
"I'm always hungry." said Anothergator.
"Let's go find some food." said Alligator.

They went waddling around. Alligator and Anothergator were buddies. They had lots of good talks about food. They both loved to eat.

"Hey, I think there are some snails over there, let's eat those." said Anothergator.
"Hi." said a slow snail.
"Hey, we are going to eat you." said Alligator.
"Oh no, don't eat me." said the snail.
"We are definitely going to. Do you have any friends we can eat too?" said Anothergator.
"Yes, I have lots of friends. Eat them not me." pled the snail.
"Okay," said Anothergator.
"Where are you friends?" asked Alligator.
"Up the river!" pointed snail.
"Can't believe you sold your friends up the river, what a jerk." said Alligator
"Yeah. And we are real hungry, just so you know." said Anothergator, with contempt.

Alli and Other, the gators on the go, went up the river as the snail suggested. They didn't find any other snails. They'd been had. That little snail was a lying manipulative snake of a snail. The gators had been tricked and they were pissed. Then they happened upon a worm.

"Hey worm, we're gonna eat you!" they said.

The worm was dumb and had no brains or anything to say. They ate the worm. The worm didn't mind.

"I'm still hungry!" said Alligator.

"Me too." said Anothergator.

Then they found a bunch of flies and beetles hanging out. They ate all of those and were stuffed. What a meal! Then they found some families and schools of fish to eat.

"I'm hungry again." said Anothergator, right after.

"I am too." said Alligator. 

These guys were mostly just into eating and would forget when they were full.

"Hey, did you hear Frank the Alligator once ate a person?" said Alligator.

"No way, is that true?" said Anothergator.

"That's what I heard." said Alligator.

"That's crazy. I kind of want to eat a person." said Anothergator.

"Let's find him and ask him if it's true." said Alli.

Frank the Alligator was a reclusive gator. They went and found Frank. He was quiet, mysterious, and kept to himself.

"Hey Frank, is it true you once ate a person?!" asked Anothergator.

Frank took a puff of a cigarette, exhaled the smoke and muttered under his breath, "Yeah, and I'll eat you too, if you don't get outta my face." Then he looked away.

Alli and Other were scared.

"Do we even do that?" whispered Alli to Other.

"Do what?" whispered Other.

"Eat each other?" asked Alli, nervously.

"I don't know, but I don't wanna stay to find out. Let's go!"

They beat it fast. Next they went to the Louisiana bayou and got captured and eaten by people, their feet were chopped off and thrown in a special spicy stew. Their flavor was fueled by all the snails, worms, fish, and crustaceans they'd eaten. Locals and open minded tourists alike enjoyed the stew.

Jenny, Alfonse and Mangela

Jenny was like "I love your shirt!" to Alfonse.
Alfonse was like "Oh thank you so much!"

But Jenny was lying, she secretly hated the shirt but couldn't keep her mouth shut and had to say something. Alfonse also hated the shirt, but had been working hard at being a good sport, and just taking a compliment instead of contradicting anything positive in his life. They should have just both been honest with each other in that moment.

Except right after that moment Mangela came up and she was like "Alfonse, I think that shirt is ugly."
"Oh, hehe, well looks like you two have a difference of opinion!" said Alfonse, while pointing over to Jenny. He was doing a good job restraining the urge to agree with Mangela's insult.

"Oh, I think it's great." said Jenny, through her teeth. Jenny was now extra pissed, because she actually agreed with Mangela's opinion, but now had to pretend that she didn't. She also really wanted Mangela to like her, so she would have normally agreed with anything Mangela said. What Jenny didn't know was that Mangela always had people kissing her ass and agreeing with her.

"You really think it's great?!" asked Mangela, incredulously, with a faux-judgemental tone. She wasn't actually judging Jenny. She was just testing Jenny to see if Jenny would hold her ground. The secret way to Mangela's heart was to disagree with her and tell her her opinion sucked. Most people didn't know that.

"Yes, I love everything about it." said Jenny. Jenny's scalp was getting hot, for fear she would have to come up with some bullshit about why it was so good. Alfonse and Mangela would be hanging on her every word for different reasons. Alfonse, to hear a compliment, which he didn't actually want to hear because they were hard to take, and Mangela, to be told her opinion was garbage, which she secretly loved to hear.

"You love everything about it?" questioned Mangela, once more.
"...uh" said Jenny, as her eyes shifted from left to right.
"Please. Tell me why?" said Mangela. This was Jenny's worst nightmare, what Jenny was fearing most.

Then, just as Mangela took a breath to prepare to open her mouth to say the words: I'm just kidding! I totally respect your opinion, you're an original. Jenny beat her to the punch by blurting out, "I actually completely agree with you and think the shirt is awful!"

Mangela was taken by surprise, and her eyes made a slight bug-out expression. Alfonse was taken by surprise too, and made a slight brow-furrow expression.

"Oh," said Mangela.
"What a phony bitch." thought Alfonse, in his head.
"That's lame and rude," said Mangela, then she immediately lost interest in Jenny and said "Gotta go, see ya." and walked away.

Alfonse and Jenny stood there uncomfortably for a moment.

Jenny didn't get what she wanted, which was Mangela's approval, and to be phony-polite to Alfonse. Mangela didn't get what she wanted, which was to have someone be rude to her, or at least disagree with her highly regarded opinions. But Alfonse got what he wanted, which was to refrain from insulting himself.

The whole situation turned out to be pretty good for Alfonse, actually. You could say rather than expending negative energy toward himself he was able to funnel those negative feelings toward Jenny, who had embarrassed herself and thrown him under the bus. She was the clear cut bad guy in his eyes. Not him. And that made him feel a little more positive.

One of Those Nights

Kippy was all set to meet his friends at the place. Everyone knew where to go and the time to be there. Kippy was invited as well.

Kippy took a shower and the water was real thick so the water came out of the shower head in slow motion. It was also very hard to scrub the day-dirt and natural human stink off of himself. The water was hard to wipe off too because it was so thick.

Next, he had to brush his teeth but every time he'd bring his toothbrush to his mouth it would bend backwards. Like if you had to brush your teeth with a noodle. Not a very sturdy toothbrush.

Other things gave Kippy difficulty too. His blow dryer coughed and wheezed like an old man in the middle of the night. His shirt played tug of war with him when he tried to pull it from the drawer.

You could say Kippy was having a difficult time getting ready. By this time, he was running late. He assumed he was missing all the gathering action. He hadn't heard from his friends, so he was about to give up.

"They probably won't notice I'm not there." he said.
Then his phone rang.
"Kippy, it's your friends!"
"Hi friends."
"We noticed you're missing, you coming?"
"I was going to, but I probably missed the fun."
"No, it's barely started, you should come out!"
"Okay I will!" said Kippy.

Kippy had a new lease on the night. His difficult ready time was not a deterrent from the fun he was sure to have with his friends. He was about to have fun socializing.

Kippy reached for the door knob. His palm was very sweaty, so he wiped it on his pant leg. This made his pant leg damp, he tried to blow dry it, but the blowdryer just coughed again. He reached back for the door and his hand was sweaty again, so he couldn't turn the knob. He wiped it again, on his butt, now his butt was wet. He used his other hand, but it was sweaty too. He wiped that hand on his other leg. His pants were getting pretty damp at this point. He used his shirt tail to turn the knob so his grip wouldn't slip, but the knob was stuck. He pulled at the door. He tugged at the door. It wouldn't open.

"Quit pulling on me." said the door.
"I'm trying to get out." said Kippy.
"Don't go." said the door.
"I want to." said Kippy.
"Why?" asked the door.
"My friends are expecting me." said Kippy.
"The door is open, then." said the door.

But the door was lying. Kippy banged and pounded and kicked and yanked at the door. It wouldn't budge.

"You should just stay in." said the door.
"I want to go out!" shouted Kippy.
"The door was just open, you had every opportunity." said the door.
"Liar!" said Kippy.
"Might as well sit down and do nothing. Those guys were just being nice when they invited you out." said the door.
"Okay." said Kippy. Then he sat down in his wet pants and did nothing.

Kippy saw a friend the next week.
"Hey Kippy where were you that one night?" said the friend.
"Oh, I just couldn't get out of the house." said Kippy.

Then a robber showed up and said "Gimme your money!" and a girl ran over and lifted up her shirt to try to get a reaction, on a dare from her friend hiding fifty feet away. Then Kippy, Kippy's friend, and the robber were like, "Whoa, didn't see that comin'!" Then an earthquake happened that sent a vibration to where the four of them stood, cracking the ground, and springing them in all different directions. They all survived with minimal injuries and walked away with good stories to tell.

Janice Treats Herself

Janice was empty so she needed to get some eats to fill herself up. She walked to the store. On the way to the store she looked at her foot. Every time she put it in front of the other foot, the other foot would step forward again. She couldn't seem to keep it as the leading foot. She kept trying all the way into the street.

"Errrrr!" said a screeching car that screeched to keep from hitting her.

"Watch out you dummy!" shouted the car screeching guy.

Janice looked up and her mouth drooped open a little.

She walked into the store and sniffed around to see what would be right for her. She made her way to the stuff bag aisle. She looked at the bags of things to eat. She picked a bag of pieces. She liked pieces, because she could eat one at a time and they would make a crunch noise. Crunch noises were fun to make because when she made them with her teeth it felt like she was crushing little tiny people who had laid in the sun for a long time and gotten crispy. Or maybe tiny people made of little burnt sticks.

Janice walked toward the register to give the pay paper that made it okay to eat the bagged pieces. On the way to the register she spotted a jar of yellow. Yellow was perfect for dipping pieces in.

"Mmm that yellow would go good with these pieces." said Janice.

Yellow was her favorite flavor. Janice paid for the jar of yellow and bag of pieces. She could not wait to dip each eat piece into the yellow and eat. On the way home she saw a big sign with a pretty lady picture on it. 

"Be beautiful." said the sign.

"Oh I want to be beautiful." said Janice.

Janice went home and ate all her yellow. She woke up the next morning and felt terrible, but didn't know why. She walked outside and saw the sign again telling her to be beautiful, so she walked to Judy's Beauty Salon.

"Hi I'm Judy." said Judy.

"Hi Judy, I'm Janice, I want to be beautiful." said Janice.

"It is my duty to make you a beauty." said Judy.

Judy put a ton of paint on Janice's face and made her hair look real big. 

"What ever you do don't mess with this paint and hair."

"Okay." said Janice.

"When the tall hair falls down and you become ugly, come back and I will make you beautiful again for money." said Judy.

"Thank you." said Janice.

Janice walked down the street with her big tall hair and lots of paint on her face. A fly was flying when she was walking and got stuck in her wet paint face.

The Best Booty in Miami 1998

It was Miami, 1998. The booty bass was really booming in a great way. Shay-Shay had the best booty and shaked it better than anyone else. Muffy-Poo had the second best booty and she shaked it great, but not as good at Shay-Shay.

"You have great technique at moving your booty around." said Muffy-Poo.

"Thank you. You are pretty good but still have much to learn, my friend." said Shay-Shay.

Muffy-Poo had a real big crush on a cool guy who walked nice, named ill-Virus. ill-Virus was a cool guy who had a big crush on Shay-Shay. Muffy-Poo vied for ill-Virus's attention. But it didn't work.

"Hey Shay-Shay, I love your booty, would you like to go on a date with me?" said ill-Virus.

"ill-Virus, I think you are wack, ha ha. Sorry." said Shay-Shay.

ill-Virus was so sad. Muffy-Poo walked up to him, while he was looking off in the distance with heartbreak in his eyes.

"Hey ill-Virus, I think you are a great and handsome fellow. Want to take me on date?" said Muffy-Poo.

ill-Virus decided to take Muffy-Poo on a date, they listened to loud booty bass in ill-Virus's convertible. Muffy-Poo tried her best to show ill-Virus that she could groove. They went to a nice restaurant and ate crab legs. ill-Virus wore his coolest hat backwards.

Afterwards Muffy-Poo and ill-Virus went home and made nice love. Muffy-Poo was happy about it. She went and told everyone she made love with ill-Virus.

Next week Shay-Shay caught wind of their great date and lovemaking. Shay-Shay rang up ill-Virus.

"Hey baby, I always thought you were cute. Want to feed me some crab legs? Don't forget about my booty."

"That sounds great, how could I forget that booty? It's the best booty in Miami."

Shay-Shay went and made love to ill-Virus. The next day Muffy-Poo called up ill-Virus.

"Hey sweetheart, it's me Muffy-Poo. When's our next date?"

"Sorry there will be no more dates. I have the sweetheart that I wanted all along." said ill-Virus. Then he got off the phone.

Naturally, Muffy-Poo was devastated and heartbroken. ill-Virus excitedly rang up Shay-Shay to ask her if she'd be interested in going out and shaking her booty in his face that night.

"Ha ha ha, sorry sucker. But I like to leave 'em and deceive 'em. Click!" said Shay-Shay, then she hung up the phone. After she had said the word "Click".

ill-Virus then rang up Muffy-Poo. 

"Hey pretty thing, are we gonna go out and watch your booty shake tonight?" asked ill-Virus with faux-confidence.

"What?!" said Muffy-Poo incredulously, "You and everyone else in this town may think I'm second best, but I know in my heart I'm the primest piece of meat in the street. So you better check yourself. See ya, wouldn't want to be you. And I respect myself because I'm worth more than that! Click!"

Then Muffy-Poo hung up and dialed Shay-Shay.

"Hi there." answered Shay-Shay.

"Shay-Shay, it's Muffy-Poo. I just want to say thank you for pointing out to me that ill-Virus is a piece of trash. Secondly, I want to say that you are a piece of trash and I wouldn't do to you what you did to me simply because you could. You are a tramp and you don't respect yourself." Muffy-Poo hung up and smiled to herself, proud of her discovery.

Then Muffy-Poo went to the big booty-shaking club parking lot and shaked her butt so hard that it sweated all over all the fawning men like a bunch of hungry dogs being spritzed with water on a hot day.

Opinionated John Buggy

John Buggy hated everything. He couldn't stand the stuff. Everything sucked, he thought. He also had gross rotten teeth.
"Pleugh, that's terrible!" he said.
"Guh, that's awful!" he complained.
"Oh, I can't stand that guy." he whined.
"Every time I see that thing I want to gouge my eyes out." he told people.

John Buggy definitely would get real worked up about it.
"Geez John you sure are a tough critic. Have a little more fun." said Bland Jill.
"Hey, John are you sure you aren't being too harsh, because I like the stuff." said Dull Gertrude.
"Awww c'mon you're being mean!" said Gentle Frank.

People started to steer clear of John Buggy. John's contempt of so many things began to wear on him as well. He felt awful. He started to wonder if his fury over his dislike for stuff was very bad and affecting his place in the world. He figured he'd better work hard to change. And he did. Instead of saying stuff was terrible he started saying it was great.

John Buggy went around everywhere and started to declare everything as wonderful. Even when it was legitimately terrible. Even when his instinct was to piss on it. Even when he wanted to fry it in the garbage disposal.

"Wow did I love it!" said John Buggy, about one thing.
"Hey that was pretty cool." announced John Buggy, he told everyone, about another thing.
"It might be a first of it's kind in the history of stuff! I think it's great." said John Buggy, even though he was wrong about it being the first of it's kind.

People started to warm up to John Buggy. People started to like John Buggy. People started to invite John Buggy to things. People started to tell others what a wonderful guy John Buggy was.

"Hey, I wonder what John Buggy thinks about this, I trust his opinion!" said people.

Buggy was the toast of the town. He started dressing real fancy and nice. His hairstyle looked like a gelled shiny looking slicked back cube shaped box. His skin got tanner.
"Babe, I love your stuff!" he told amateurs and big-time rollers alike.

He even got new clean white teeth that he showed off to everyone.
"These look great!" he told the dentist.

From the outside view of a telescope one might say that John Buggy seemed like a phony. No one up close noticed that his loving everything was strange. John Buggy worked his way into getting a big bimbo wife with boobs and no personality. They had a bunch of dumb phony kids who lived in a bubble. John loved them and told them everything they did was great.

But buried underneath all that love for stuff, there was a deep, dark, burning, rotting, volcano of critical hatred ready to erupt.