The Self-Helper

Rufus the Dufus was so frustrated that he kicked a rock.

"Ow now my toe hurt!" he yelled.
"Hey you look mad." said Dumb Pam.
"Yeah, I was mad then I hurt my toe, now I'm mad two times." said Rufus.
"Well why don't you talk to my friend Eddie Popper who is a self-help guru and he's good for when you're mad." said Dumb Pam.
"Will he help me?" said Rufus.
"I just told you he will, idiot!" said Dumb Pam.
"I'm not idiot, I'm smart!" said Rufus the Dufus.
"Okay let's go."

Then they both turned around and fell into the chimney hole because they were on the roof of Eddie Popper's house, conveniently.

"Ouch!" they both said.

Eddie Popper ran into the room. He was crying.
"What are you two doing here?" he sobbed.
"We were looking for you to self-help us." they said.
"Why were you on the roof?" sobbed Eddie.
"We thought it was the ground." said Rufus the Dufus.
"You guys sure are dumb." said Eddie Popper.
"No we're smart!" said Dumb Pam.
"I'm so sad and unconfident." said Eddie Popper.
"Oh, well why don't you cheer up?" asked Rufus.
"Okay I'll try."
"I brought Rufus here because he's mad and needs self-help. Can you self-help him?" said Pam.
"Yes. Okay here's the trick. You got to stay positive and believe in yourself." said Eddie Popper.
"Okay thanks, I think it's working." said Rufus.

Rufus and Pam left happy.

"I'm still sad." Eddie said to himself.
"Why don't I help myself?" Eddie asked himself.
"Okay I will." he said.
"You should be more positive. And believe in yourself." he told himself.

Then he called his friend Pepper, gossiped for a while, felt much better, made himself a hot toddy and went to sleep in the nude. His body was hairy. His sheets were made of silk.

Harvey Sea Songs

Harvey Jackson was a man of the sea. He sang on boats.

Yodel dodel dodel 
Yodel dodel dee
I smell a little flower
And then I take a shower!

That was a song Harvey Jackson would sing. He'd sing it on his empty boat, then a whale that would follow him around and spurt a gust of water through it's blowhole to let him know it was good.

"Thanks Whale!" said Harvey.
"Shhhplshhhh... dribble dribble splatter sprinkle!" said the blowhole water.

Harvey started to feel pretty confident in his sea song ability so he decided to go to Los Angeles, California to make it big.

He sailed far to the city of dreams, all the while singing his sea sings!

Yeedel deedel do
Yeedel deedel doodle
I sit on a chair 
And I grow some hair!

Then the whale blew another hole full of water.

"I'm on a roll!" said Harvey Jackson.

He was so excited because he had so much material that he could share with the big city. The whale was so encouraging. Harvey arrived at the shore and found himself a venue to sing some songs. He whipped out his wooden axe (that's sailor slang for a guitar). And he strummed away.

A yebby debby dooby
And a ruby duby booby
Gimme a teeny tickle 
I like to eat a pickle.

The audience didn't respond.

"Hmm..." said Harvey.
He knew that wasn't his best one, so he tried another. It didn't do well either. Harvey was heartbroken and confused. His confidence had been built up too high by the whale. He ran back to the sea got on his boat sailed out and found the whale.

"Hey Whale!" said Harvey.
"Splasasahhhshh sprinkle sprinkle." said the blowhole water.
"You lied to me!"
"Sssspushhh splatter." said the blowhole water.
"I humiliated myself. I thought I had talent but you were just tricking me into thinking I did." said Harvey.
"Spppshhh rainrainrain."
"Can you come to all my shows in Los Angeles?" Harvey asked.
"Shhhhhhhff sprinkle..."

Harvey knew his confidence depended on the whale's attendance.

"If you can't attend those shows then they'll have to all be at sea."
"Sppliiishhhhh...." said the blowhole water.
"Whale, I love you. You make me feel whole inside. Will you marry me?"
"Sppiiiiiishhh..."
"You've just made me the happiest sea singing sea sailor in any sea!" said Harvey.

Harvey married the whale and lived at sea. He didn't have very much talent but he had that whale who liked his songs and that whale was the only one who ever liked those songs.

Digi-Finger

Klaus walked into the coffee shop for a cup of tea to go.

"I vould like ze hot tea please." said Klaus.

"Please pay ze tea fee." said the coffeemaker.

Klaus paid the fee by handing a handful of bills and change to the coffeemaker. Klaus also had a robot finger.

"Aht-oh." said the coffeemaker.

"Vaht?" said Klaus.

"You haff a digi-digit." said the coffeemaker.

Klaus looked at his mechanical pointer. And shrugged like it was not a big deal.

"Oh zis?" said Klaus.

"He has a digital fingie!" shouted the coffeemaker.

Everyone ran out from the back, the other customers in the shop stood up and screamed in fear.

"You ah trying to read ah brains!" shouted one customer.

"You vill not uploat your little digi into me!" screamed another customer.

"We yoose pencils here!" shouted the coffeemaker.

"Und we determine ze strength und potency aff our coffee vis our minds und our noses." shouted the manager.

"Not vis a coffee potency machine!" continued the coffeemaker.

"You ah not willkommen." said the coffee shop manager.

All the people of the country were terrified of technology since the digital war ended thirty years earlier. Robos and Computerians had attempted to undermine the hand-crafted working man's way of life. Eventually the Robos legion was defeated. Parliament had, in recent years, decided to loosen the ban on electronic assistance. Hence, the fear of Klaus, whose finger was a robot finger. There was fear among the humans that Robos would control their minds, bodies, automobiles, and coffee making once again.

"It just meks things moof a little quickah is all." said Klaus quietly.

Little Peter came out from the back to reason with his grandpa, the shop owner.

"Grandpa, perhaps it vould be good fah business to allow him. It's only a little digi-fingie."

Grandpa, the shop owner reluctantly and begrudgingly agreed.
"Okay. Just zis time." said the shop owner.

Klaus quickly took his coffee, left, and marked the coffee shop on his digital list of establishments that were willing to serve Computerian clientele. He then uploaded the list to Robos headquarters for their private information log.

Spinach Mouth

Benjamin had spinach in his teeth. No one sitting at the table with him told him. Not Charlie, not Maggie, not Isaac, not Peggy. Benjamin went on and on about Elizabeth. Saying bad things about her and such.

"...And the way Elizabeth wears her hair! Oh man..." said Benjamin.

Maggie nodded. She did not speak up to inform Benjamin of his spinach teeth, nor to defend Elizabeth, whom she considered a friend. The spinach piece seemed to get bigger.

"...And those bright colored shirts? Peeeeyeeew they are ugly!" continued Benjamin.

Isaac did not agree with Benjamin, but he certainly didn't speak up to defend Elizabeth. He wondered if the spinach piece in Benjamin's teeth was actually spinach. Benjamin was a weaselly out of shape fellow. He did not seem like the health conscious type. And spinach is healthy.

"Hey! Hey! Who am I?" Benjamin asked, then spoke in a silly voice. "Is my hair frizzy enough?..." 

Charlie, Maggic, Isaac and Peggy all sat smiling politely. Peggy cleared her throat.

"I'm Elizabeth! Ha ha ha ha!" said Benjamin.
"Ahh, I see." mumbled Charlie.
"Because I think her frizzy hair is so ugly!" said Benjamin, pleased with his rant.
"Hmhmm." politely giggled Isaac.

By now the spinach piece had grown. It was hanging from Benjamin's mouth. He still did not notice. Charlie, Maggie, Isaac and Peggy all noticed. They also did not share the same sentiments about Elizabeth. But no one spoke up about either.

"I also think Elizabeth has a big butt! You ever notice she has a big butt? Like maybe too big? Charlie! You've noticed she has a big butt, right?" said Benjamin.

Charlie just smiled and Benjamin continued talking. The spinach piece was covering his whole head and shoulders by now. But not his mouth. No one spoke up. Benjamin continued talking. The spinach piece grew. It grew onto Charlie. No one spoke up. Benjamin kept talking. It grew onto Maggie. No one said anything. It completely covered Maggie and absorbed her. No one said a word. They all smiled politely. Benjamin continued talking about Elizabeth. Even though his words became inaudible. Spinach absorbed Isaac and Peggy. Benjamin's lungs became clogged with spinach. He suffocated and could no longer speak or breathe or live. None of them could. Elizabeth wasn't so bad.

Seth the Wacky Brick

Seth the Wacky Brick was a brick sitting in a pile of bricks!

"Hey Bricklayer, put me in the wall I wants ta be in the wall hurry!" said Seth the Brick.
"You wait your turn!" said Bricklayer.
"Hey there's lots of others been waiting in line longer than you." said some other bricks.
"You guys are heavy and all look the same. I'm not sifting through you just to determine which one of you is begging to be put in the wall." said Bricklayer.
"I'm just three rows below and two bricks over, easy-peasy!" said Seth.
"Quiet I'm in the in the zone." said Bricklayer.

Seth was quiet for a minute. So were all the other good bricks.

"What's da zone?" asked Seth.
"It's like when you're laying a bunch of bricks and you get to this very concentrated, therapeutic, zen-type place, where your brain is focusing on some sort of activity, but also not really thinking about anything at the same time." said Bricklayer.
"Oh that sounds nice, active, and relaxin'." said Seth the Wacky Brick.
"It's also nice because I'm being active and working hard. Which is what I am programmed to do, as a human." said Bricklayer.
"Oh. Well I'm programmed to be put in da wall." said Seth.
"You're really breaking my meditative state." said Bricklayer.
"Well I ain't gonna stop!" said Seth.
"You're a tough negotiator." said Bricklayer.
"How bout it?" said Seth.
"Get this guy out of here." said the rest of the pile of bricks.
"Oy vay, alright fine." said Seth.

Bricklayer dug through the stack of bricks and found Seth. He smeared some cement down and planted Seth right there.

"Yesss!" said Seth, "I've hit the big time."

A few months later the building was finished.
"Uh oh. I got an itch." said Seth. No one responded to him.
"Hey!! I got a bad itch!!!" he shouted. No one heard him.

Years went by, like fifty, and Seth the Wacky Brick was still in the building wall.
"I'm anxious." he said.

Thirty more years went by and the building was demolished, all the remaining parts were separated into garbage for a landfill, recycled bricks, and more cement. Some of the cement was used to lay more bricks.

Howard the Nice Man

Howard was a nice man with a wonderful wife, family, and career. He was a fine embodiment of the American Dream. One morning he kissed his wife goodbye for the day and patted his son's head.

"Have a great day, sweetheart." said Howard.

Howard sat in bad traffic on the drive to work. The traffic was so bad that he got very frustrated and decided he was going to skip work. He took the nearest exit off the highway. He called an old college friend of his to get a number for a serious drug dealer.

"Hi give me your heaviest stuff." Howard said to Crud the drug dealer.
"Here try this." said Crud as he handed Howard his heaviest stuff.

Howard went to Crud's bathroom to enjoy the high from the hard heroin in privacy. He heard a gunshot from outside the bathroom. "Now you're a real dead fuck, Crud!" shouted someone. It sounded like Crud was dead.

"Damn." Howard whispered. Then quickly he took some serious uppers that Crud also gave him.
Howard crawled out the bathroom window and ran as fast as he could.

Howard ran real far and didn't know where he was. Luckily he had his wallet and car keys because he was no forgetful dummy. A guy named Todd walked up with a sharp knife and asked for Howard to hand over his wallet though. Howard beat Todd's face in with the car keys. Howard's hand was all bloody. He wiped it off on some grass. Howard didn't notice whether he'd been stabbed or not.

"Hi handsome, want a date?" said Trainstation, a prostitute on the street. That was her name.
"Yes." said Howard. Then they went and had sex. When they were done Howard paid her her fee.

As he walked down the hall, of the dirty dingy hotel they had sex in, he heard her boss barge in on her.
"Hey Bitch, that money is mine, give it here!" said her boss. Then he slapped her.
Howard went back to the room.
"Hey this is a nice woman, don't be mean to her!" said Howard.
"Mind your business." said the boss.
"Fuck you!" said Howard, then he hit the boss on the head with the nearest lamp. It was on and electrical so the hooker boss's hair caught on fire.
"Put it out, put it out!" screamed the boss.

Howard took out his penis and started pissing on the hooker boss's head.
"This is the only fire extinguisher I could find." said Howard.
"I'll kill you! I'll kill you!" said the boss.

Then Howard grabbed an actual fire extinguisher off the wall and hit the boss on the head with it. The fire spread to the bedsheets. Howard's penis was still out.

"Let's go, Trainstation."
"You're crazy!" said Trainstation.
"I hate traffic." said Howard.

Howard walked with Trainstation back to his car and it was swarmed with police and crime scene tape. Because it was outside of Crud the dead drug dealer's house.

"You can't come through here." said a cop.
"But my car's over there and I have to get to work." said Howard.
"Okay, make it quick." said the cop. Howard's penis was still out. The cop didn't notice because he was looking around.

Howard drove Trainstation to a women's home for rehabilitation of prostitutes that was run by a member of his church community.

Then he rolled his shirt sleeves down, put his penis away, drove to work and ate two and a half pints of ice cream for lunch.

Ultimate Rhoda: Super Manipulator

Ultimate Rhoda was a super manipulator. She got everything she wanted.

"Big meeting today, eh, Ultimate Rhoda?" said Ted.
"Ted I'm not nervous, because I've got you by my side. Great jacket!" said Ultimate Rhoda.

Ted looked down at his jacket. "Oh. Thank you! Yeah we're gonna kick some butt." Bam! Ted, manipulated. Now Ted was gonna be ready to back up Ultimate Rhoda. Though she wasn't gonna need it.

"We can take my car. Oh shoot I forgot my park pass." said Ted. Ted didn't even wanna drive. Bam! Manipulated.
"Sir that will be extra 15 dollars to re-park the car if you come back today without park pass." said Sirf, the parking attendant.
"Sirf, we have a big meeting. He's just giving me a ride. If I don't get to the meeting, it could be trouble. You and I are okay with each other, right?" said Ultimate Rhoda.
"Uh yeah okay I guess so. Joo can bring the car back no charge if you like." said Sirf. Bang! Sirf Manipulated.
"He's my bud." said Ultimate Rhoda.

Ted and Ultimate Rhoda walked into the big meeting.

"Don't be nervous, I got your back." said Ted.
"Thanks that's a big help." said Rhoda. Boom! Ted Manipulated. Rhoda wasn't nervous but made Ted think he was the reason she wasn't nervous.

"Come in!" said the big meeting room. Sam Hannigan was in there heading the big meeting. He was a slick suit slick stud muffin. His hairstyle left much to be desired though.

"Sam, great hair!!!" said Ultimate Rhoda.
Sam, surprised, placed his hand on his shameful hairstyle.
"Oh. Well, thank you Ultimate Rhoda." said Sam. Then he smiled bashfully. Pang! Sam Hannigan, manipulated. Watch what happens next.

"Sam we love your company so much. We think it's brilliant how you've constructed it so that it works so well," Bing! Manipulation, "and we've determined that the only thing that could make it work better is if it were run using our advanced elite organization technology that we've innovated and personally run ourselves. Plus, side note, we love your company, hehe!" schmoozed Rhoda.
"Okay Ultimate Rhoda, sign here, it's yours, here's the keys to the kingdom." said Sam Hannigan. Bam! Hannigan Manipulated.

Ted and Rhoda drove in the car excitedly. Ted couldn't believe how good Rhoda was.  She was almost too good at getting what she wanted.

"You kicked some butt in there, Ultimate Rhoda." said Ted.
"Aw couldn't have done it without you guiding me." said Ultimate Rhoda (Fing! Manipulation).
"Now you have it all!" said Ted.

Then Ted noticed his friend Swenson was out on the street.

"Oh hey! Can we pick up Swenson?" asked Ted.
"Oh but we can't because I got to go somewhere and it's urgent." said Rhoda. Flop! Manipulation failure.

Rhoda's denial gave Ted a glimpse into her soul. Ted knew she didn't have anywhere to be.
"You are lying and manipulating. You've made it to the top and you still want to manipulate? Where is your heart and soul, babe? We're picking up my friend Swenson and that's it!" Then Ted turned the car around and picked up Swenson.

"Wow thank you for picking me up!" said Swenson, who was nice and needed rides.

Ted picked up Swenson and they had a great talk and a great time. Swenson did smell very bad though. They went on a long drive and detour. Swenson smelled bad for the whole time.