Friday, December 26, 2014

Howard the Nice Man

Howard was a nice man with a wonderful wife, family, and career. He was a fine embodiment of the American Dream. One morning he kissed his wife goodbye for the day and patted his son's head.

"Have a great day, sweetheart." said Howard.

Howard sat in bad traffic on the drive to work. The traffic was so bad that he got very frustrated and decided he was going to skip work. He took the nearest exit off the highway. He called an old college friend of his to get a number for a serious drug dealer.

"Hi give me your heaviest stuff." Howard said to Crud the drug dealer.
"Here try this." said Crud as he handed Howard his heaviest stuff.

Howard went to Crud's bathroom to enjoy the high from the hard heroin in privacy. He heard a gunshot from outside the bathroom. "Now you're a real dead fuck, Crud!" shouted someone. It sounded like Crud was dead.

"Damn." Howard whispered. Then quickly he took some serious uppers that Crud also gave him.
Howard crawled out the bathroom window and ran as fast as he could.

Howard ran real far and didn't know where he was. Luckily he had his wallet and car keys because he was no forgetful dummy. A guy named Todd walked up with a sharp knife and asked for Howard to hand over his wallet though. Howard beat Todd's face in with the car keys. Howard's hand was all bloody. He wiped it off on some grass. Howard didn't notice whether he'd been stabbed or not.

"Hi handsome, want a date?" said Trainstation, a prostitute on the street. That was her name.
"Yes." said Howard. Then they went and had sex. When they were done Howard paid her her fee.

As he walked down the hall, of the dirty dingy hotel they had sex in, he heard her boss barge in on her.
"Hey Bitch, that money is mine, give it here!" said her boss. Then he slapped her.
Howard went back to the room.
"Hey this is a nice woman, don't be mean to her!" said Howard.
"Mind your business." said the boss.
"Fuck you!" said Howard, then he hit the boss on the head with the nearest lamp. It was on and electrical so the hooker boss's hair caught on fire.
"Put it out, put it out!" screamed the boss.

Howard took out his penis and started pissing on the hooker boss's head.
"This is the only fire extinguisher I could find." said Howard.
"I'll kill you! I'll kill you!" said the boss.

Then Howard grabbed an actual fire extinguisher off the wall and hit the boss on the head with it. The fire spread to the bedsheets. Howard's penis was still out.

"Let's go, Trainstation."
"You're crazy!" said Trainstation.
"I hate traffic." said Howard.

Howard walked with Trainstation back to his car and it was swarmed with police and crime scene tape. Because it was outside of Crud the dead drug dealer's house.

"You can't come through here." said a cop.
"But my car's over there and I have to get to work." said Howard.
"Okay, make it quick." said the cop. Howard's penis was still out. The cop didn't notice because he was looking around.

Howard drove Trainstation to a women's home for rehabilitation of prostitutes that was run by a member of his church community.

Then he rolled his shirt sleeves down, put his penis away, drove to work and ate two and a half pints of ice cream for lunch.

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