Hi I'm a fly on the wall. I was initially really excited to be a fly on the wall. People are always saying "Boy I'd like to be a fly on the wall." Or so I thought. I guess the full expression goes "Boy I'd like to be a fly on the wall for that conversation." Meaning you get to be present for something exciting.
The part they don't talk about as much is that flies on the wall have a pretty short life expectancy. So if you don't get a real juicy conversation you're screwed.
I was on the wall this one time for this guy who walked into a room with this woman. It was loud outside the room.
"I have a confession." said the man.
"Tell me" she said.
"I had a nose job." he said.
Now I gotta pause here for a moment. I'm just a fly on the wall. I was probably born just a few hours ago. Now I'm stuck in this room. My frame of reference is flying, light, trees, fecal matter, fecal matter, fecal matter. You hear what I'm saying? I don't even know what a nose job is. Or if that's a thing that is bad or good. So anyway back to what I heard on that wall.
"Yes I had a nosejob. My nose was so big before. I was ashamed of it." He said.
Let me remind you, I don't know what ashamed means.
"Oh I see." She said.
"Yeah it was a big honking nose. People would call me 'noseface' growing up."
"Is that a problem?" he asked.
"It shouldn't be, but..."
"...I'm pregnant." she said.
"Gasp." he said.
"I know, I should have told you."
"Yours. It's yours, of course." she said.
"Are you happy?"
"But what?" she asked.
"I'm happy we're going to have a child but... but he'll have my big nose."
"Oh." she said.
"Should we abort it?"
"Hmm... we'll talk about it. Let's go back to the party for now."
Then I never found out if they kept the child or not. Or if that is something that is a good or bad thing, keeping a child. So that was about as juicy as it got. Seemed pretty juicy. But I didn't have any frame of reference. I'm guessing that couple was pretty vain, but maybe they were nice people I can't tell.
Then a girl from the party came in and vomited in a tiny garbage can.
Then it was quiet and dark for a while, a couple of days. Maybe a week. I think the house was big. I got lost in it, that's how I wound up in that room.
Then this other fellow came in and masturbated. He didn't see me. Then I died. Sure was something, being a fly on that wall.