Thursday, December 4, 2014

Why Jimmy Hates Turtlenecks

Hey what's up my name is Jimmy Schmutz and I'm a happening guy who don't mess around. I like girls and being slick, but sometimes I see some crazy stuff, because I'm a bad boy who gets into trouble, and I stick my nose where it don't belong. I also talk too much, I guess it's my Pop's fault, god rest his soul. He talked a lot. That's what got him killed.

"And lemme tell ya another thing." said Pop Schmutz. And,
"Bang!" said a death noise. He was dead. Case unsolved.

So one time I got mad at my mom because she tried to make me wear a turtleneck. Because turtlenecks were real fashionable at the time and my mom loved fashion magazines.

"It's the latest look!" she said.

But she was wrong. Turtlenecks had been around for a while. But slowing growing and getting more popular. And I hate turtlenecks. I hate em because they remind of this son of a prick Raoul who always wore a turtleneck. He thought he was so smart. But one time I followed him home to his house. He lived in this complex house with fancy architecture.

He was rude to me a bunch, that's why I didn't like him. Okay anyway, so I follow him home to his cold weird house. I sneak inside the house from this tunnel dug out at the side of the house. I didn't know how I knew it was there. I just knew it. Like I'd been there, but I hadn't.

I hid inside the house to watch Raoul. He went inside his house and shouted in his pretentious voice "Darling I'm home." Then he froze and didn't say another word. Then his wife came out of the room. And she had eyes like a demon and she was breathing smoke and holding a meat clever. And she was like,

"Did you bring me a child?" in this hellish demonic deep scratchy voice. You might think she was saying she wanted a baby with Raoul but if ya ask me she wanted to sacrifice a kid or something.

Then Raoul's Pa walked in and said "Raoul is charging."
Then the demon wife was like "Where's my child?"
"A child will come. Patience!" said Raoul's Pa.
"I shall not wait! Bring. Children. Now!!" then she growled, and her evil eyes turned evil bright red, swear to Christ.

Then Raoul's Pop's eyes turned bright red too, but his looked all mechanical. Like a car cigarette lighter, then he shot lasers out of em at Raoul's wife but she dodged em and they ricocheted off the shiny titanium walls and hit Raoul in the head and his head cracked open and it was full of wires and stuff. He wasn't even fuckin' human!

"Damnit now we must bring a new Raoul!" said the Pa in this robotty voice. Then a new Raoul entered the room and he was nude you could see his penis and butt and everything. He was in pretty good shape.

"Here I am, Father." said the nude Raoul. "But I am human." then he grabbed an exacto-knife and cut himself and bled, so you know he was for real human. But then he opened a closet because he was cold and as soon as he opened it he was like "No! No! Not the shirt!" and he got swallowed by this giant pus sack lookin' placenta pod thing and it sucked him in and spat him back out, and then he was wearing a turtleneck. Like the first Raoul.
"I'm back, father and wife." he said.
"Bring me a child!" said the demon wife.

Something about that turtleneck.

Right about then I realized I probably shouldn't be there so I turned around to find the hole again. I crawls back out and pulls myself up into the dirt. From across the way I see another turtlenecked Raoul walking in to the house. This was freaky to me, ya know? So I ran the other direction. Then I saw another me tagging behind the other Roaul. Then the me that I saw stumbled his way to the hole, confused as to why he knew where the hole was too. But he still jumped inside of it.

I gotta tell ya, after that incident I was certain there were some things going on in the world that I wouldn't be able to understand even if someone explained them to me. Like, how did I know that hole would lead me into the house? And how did the other me know the hole would lead me into the house? And how did there become another me? I could have hung out all day and watched other mees go in and out of that hole. But something tells me it would have clogged up the natural pattern of where my life is supposed to go and there'd be a long line of Jimmy Schmutzes today waiting to tell you this story. So I just figured keep moving and don't worry about those other mees. Hopefully they won't die by getting hit by lasers. Hopefully if that happens that won't like make the me right now not exist or something. I don't know, I'm not going to over think it.

One thing's for certain. If you see me with a turtleneck. Know that that ain't me. It's probably some pus pod robot that's replaced one of the Jimmies occupying my path. And not me. So kill that guy if ya see him.

No comments: