"Ouch! Scratchy!" said his toilet seat.
"You shad up!" said Willie Scraggs.
Willie Scraggs' sandpapery cheeks were so rough that he could smooth out a fine hand crafted table with his face. All he had to do was not shave for a few days and drink a lot.
Willie Scraggs walked into the bar one day. Enthused as ever.
"Gimme a bottle a swill, baby!"
The bartender slapped him a shot.
"What you glowin' for like you is, Willie Scraggs?"
"I had me a good day is why!"
"What happened?" asked the bartender.
Willie took a breath, took a swig, smiled and said, "Well last night I passed out here on the rough bar counter, I had a bad dream, tossed and turned, woke up and the counter was nice and smooth!"
"Ha ha, that's a good one!"
"It''s the truth! But hold on I ain't finish."
"Do tell." said the bartender.
"Well you ever turn on the news?"
"Sure every now and then."
"Well I went and ran into one of them pretty blondes from the morning news."
"Ooh I like them blondes."
"Yep, that's right and we made love."
"I don't believe ya."
"Now we're getting married!" said Willie Scraggs.
"You're sure it's her?" asked the bartender.
"I'm ownna have purty babies with her purfect genes!" declared Willie.
Just then the blonde news lady Willie was talking about burst into the bar.
"Willie Scraggs!" she screamed.
"It's my baby." said Willie, as he turned around.
When he looked at the pretty news lady he saw that her face had been completely scratched off, like someone had rubbed sandpaper on it for hours and hours. It was a blank bloody wall of flesh and ooze with a screaming mouth.
"You kissed my face off you son of a bitch."
"Uh oh." said Willie.
"I just got fired for it! I needed my pretty face to read the news, and I got fired cuz it's gone."
Then she left and slammed the door.
"I don't believe that was really her," said the bartender, "Couldn't see her face."
"Well, better have another drink." said Willie.