The Butt Cut

Jasper Hickums looked at his mop head in the mirror.
"Uh oh this ain't no good." said Jasper.

He walked over to his mom and pointed at his head.

"Mom what do I do bout this here?" he shouted to her.
"Go get your head cut." said mom.

Jasper went to the cutter. He really wanted to go for a handsome look. Instead of the crud look which was a mainstay on his face and head.

Fuffy the barber chopped his hair up real nice. Jasper got a haircut, and the haircutter parted his hair down the middle. In fact, Jasper could not even change the hair by combing and brushing it, no matter how hard he tried. Fuffy had permanently given him a new look (until it grew out).

Jasper went to a little get together at his friend Ian's house. Jimmy the Juiceman was there. Not much got passed Jimmy.

"Hi Jimmy the Juiceman." said Jasper.
"Who looked like you got a butt cut!!!!" said Jimmy the Juiceman

Jimmy the Juiceman was referring to the part down the middle of Jasper's hair. It was parted down the middle. So my parents stopped me from making jokes about that. I don't know why I said that last sentence. I must have started to fall asleep.

"Dang dood you got a butt cut!!!" said Arnold the party animal.

Jasper tried to mess his hair up and un butt cut it. Then he got the idea to own it, baby.  So he tried that.

"I think it's fresh!" said Jasper, confidently.

Jimmy the Juiceman got flustered. Because he didn't own anything.
Jasper walked away like he thought he was Mr. Cool.

He was Mr. Cool, but he still had a butt cut.

The Trippiest Experience

Harry got his hand caught in the drawer because he was reaching for a candy bar in there. It was Rimaldi's candy bar. Rimaldi didn't want Harry to have it that's why he stopped him by slamming the drawer shut.

"I was saving that for me, can't have it." said Rimaldi.
"Ouch my hand though!" said Harry.

Then his hand got purple and blue from the painful slam and bruise. Then he thought it was colorful and pretty so he went around showing it girls to impress them. Most didn't think it was pretty.

"I'm confused lady, I thought girls were supposed to like pretty stuff." said Harry.
"No it's ugly and ew." said the stuck up girls he asked.

Harry hung around a group people that were not good representations of their genders and creeds. These girls were all judgmental and did not think the bruisy hand was pretty, even though it was colorful and girls like colorful things.

But then Harry ran into Blissful Beaver, who was a stonery guy who liked trippy stuff. Harry showed Blissful Beaver his hand.

"Wow sheeesh so colorful!" said Blissful Beaver.

Stoners love colorful things too. Like girls.

"How did you get it so trippy man?" asked Blissful Beaver.
"Slammed it in a door."
"A door?"
"I mean a drawer! My mistake." said Harry.
"Mind if I drop some mind altering stuff in my mouth and stare at your hand?" asked Blissful Beaver.
"No." said Harry.

Then Blissful Beaver took some drugs and looked at Harry's bruised hand for a few hours. Blissful Beaver would say "Whoa" every now and then. Then...

"Oh no, I'm so rude I completely forgot to offer you some mind alterers!" said Blissful Beaver.
"Don't worry, my sensation enhancer of choice is candy bars. That's why I have a fat belly." said Harry.
"You're in luck." said Blissful Beaver, as he reached into a bag and pulled out a candy bar, "I've got a candy bar right here and it's yours now and by the way you hide the stomach well with dark clothes the look slimming."
"Thanks and yum!" said Harry.

Then Rimaldi walked up.

"Hey is that mine?" said Rimaldi.
"No it's mine, Blissful Beaver gave it to me." said Harry.

Then Harry ate the candy bar and was happy, though he had to use his not bruised hand because the bruised one hurt to grip with. What a wild and different experience that was.

The Local Pregnant Fellow

Waakaka was one of those weird and ultra rare fellows who was born with a human inside of him because he was supposed to be a twin but his didn't separate correctly inside his mother's womb so his twin brother got stuck in his abdomen and he looked like he was pregnant. You know those guys? It happens, look it up.

Anyway Waakaka had his twin brother in his gut for 40 years. His stomach was huge and stuck out very far.

"Ouch my stomach hurt every day!" he said.

Then one day he complained very hard and heavy. The doctor finally came over and examined him.

"Looks like you have a growing dead guy inside of you. We have to do surgery to get rid of it." said the doctor.

So the doctor and his crew did emergency surgery to remove this pus filled dead twin human freak that was gestating inside of Waakaka.

"Waakaka aren't you relieved to get rid of that gut of gross gunk?" asked Purpy the friend.
"The doctor told me it was my twin brother. Now I miss my twin brother."
"But you never knew him and he didn't have a functional brain."
"I'll bet we woulda got along." said Waakaka.

One day Waakaka was walking down the street and a nice person was getting mugged.

"Better leave that nice person alone!" said Waakaka to the mugger.
"Beat it you nerdy guy!" said the mugger.

Then Waakaka did a roundhouse kick and knocked the mugger out.
"You are my hero thank you." said the victim.

The news caught wind of what happened and did a story on Waakaka.

"Wow Waakaka you sure are a hero. And also we hear you had a dead twin body stuck pregnant inside of you for over 40 years. What are the odds that you'd have that happen AND save a person from a mugging." said the news.
"I know it's sure something."
"Quite a life you've had so far."
"Yes. Thank you."
"Those odds are just remarkable."

Then a movie prodcuer watching TV got an idea. He called Waakaka.

"Hey Waakaka wanna sell your life story for a lot of money?"
"Neat!" said Waakaka.

Then Waaakaka made a bunch of money and the life story was a hit movie.

Edgy Dan on the Go

Edgy Dan saw the world through a pair of eyes that didn't put up with no bullshit, man.

"Hey Edgy Dan, want to go get something fun to eat?" said Rubirt.
"Sure. As long as it ain't some sort of sushi! Or vegan food!"
"Ha ha, don't worry Edgy Dan, I know if I want your company it's got to be hot dogs and sodas."
"Yeah! Just keep that quinoa stuff away from me! Not interested in eating mushy sand, sorry." said Edgy Dan.
"You got it Edgy Dan!"

On the walk to the eat place Rubirt and Edgy Dan saw a tree.

"Ah isn't that tree lovely? I love nature." said Rubirt.
"You know what that tree reminds me of? Poo! Cuz we're all goin' down the toilet anyway. Sorry if you can't handle my opinions." said Edgy Dan.
"I never thought about it that way."
"Maybe I'm crazy, I just see the world differently. You can get on board or walk the plank for all I care!" said Edgy Dan.

Further down the walk Rubert and Edgy Dan saw a pretty lady with nice jeans walk by.

"Hey that one sure was a pretty one, eh?" said Rubirt.
"Look but don't touch if ya ask me." said Edgy Dan.
"Oh? Why do you say that?" asked Rubirt.
"Marriage and relationships are great, if you like havin' an ucler!"

Another pretty lady walked by. This one looked extra pretty in her blouse.

"You got to admit that she was pretty good looking!"
"Alright alright, fine. I wouldn't kick her out of the hospital bed... Cuz my legs would be broken and I couldn't kick! And I'd need her to be the nurse who takes care a me!" said Edgy Dan.
"Wow Edgy Dan, you know a man can be a nurse too. Not all women have to be nurses. Women can be doctors too." said Rubirt.
"Hey listen, if you think you're gonna get some sort of P.C. crappola outta me then you are mistaken as a blind man in the ladies room!"

Just then a pretty lady walked up and say hi to Edgy Dan.

"I like your leather coat that has elastic cuffs and waistband." she said.
"Oh. Thanks." said Edgy Dan. He was taken aback because she was pretty.

Edgy Dan went on to marry this pretty lady and she controlled him thoroughly. He always combed his hair, wore a clean sweater, and never spouted an edgy opinion again.

The Compliments

Deb and Juanita ran into each other and gave compliments.

"I love your hair!" said Deb.
"I love your shirt!" said Juanita.
"Did you just get your hair done?" asked Deb.
"No it's been like this a long time." said Juanita.
"You have that natural look, I love it." said Deb, about Juanita's hair.
"Is that a new shirt?" asked Juanita.
"Yes I just got it." said Deb.
"I knew it! That why it's great. Such a fresh new look." said Juanita, about Deb's shirt.
"It's an exact replacement of an old shirt." said Deb.
"I mean it's just a classic." said Juanita.
"Isn't it funny how classic seems like a nicer word for old and ratty?" asked Deb.
"Isn't it funny how natural sometimes has that connotation of filthy? said Juanita.
"Natural can mean like effortless too." said Deb.
"Oh, effortless can mean you look great without trying. So thank you." said Juanita.
"True. And you're welcome, but effortless can also mean you look like you don't try and have just given up." smiled Deb.
"I guess that's better than try and still look awful." smiled Juanita.

Deb smiled. Juanita smiled back. They smiled at each other. It was a smile off.

"You look awful." said Juanita.
"You're a filthy woman, do you wash?" said Deb.
"Your shirt should be a diaper wiper!" said Juanita.
"I hate you!" said Deb.
"I hate you more for your fashion sense, and everything about you!" said Juanita.
"I think your hair is greasy and disgusting, I've held it in for years." said Deb.
"I knew you didn't like my hair when you said you did!" said Juanita.
"You were lying about my shirt!" said Deb.

Then they came to blows and got in a hair pulling and shirt ripping fight.

They were both big phonies who were unhappy with themselves. Once they cooled off from their fight they went back to acting like everything was normal and made polite small talk every time they saw each other.

Best Older Guys at the Firm

Dougie and Travis were the coolest older fellas at the office. They'd both been there for years. Both had positive attributes. Dougie was just a cool guy. Everybody liked how he acted in meetings over the years. He'd always have clever cool things to say. He'd also make direct eye contact with you and let you know that thought you were a good guy.

"Hey pal, you and me, we get each other!" he'd say.

Then you'd feel good.

"Thank you." you'd say.

The only thing about Dougie was he had this real strange looking facelift. Everyone wanted him to move up in the company and take off to great heights. But that facelift. Some just couldn't look at it. It was unfortunate, because he such a down to earth fella. But why would he get that facelift? That noticeable, tight, strange facelift that light reflected off of in a strange way. Yet he had such a personable and confident demeanor. He didn't seem like the type.

Then there Travis. Beloved Travis. Travis had been at the company even longer. He was hard to not love. Travis was a great dancer. He had distinct features, like beautiful eyes, a button chin and a flashy good-time smile. And did I mention those dance moves? How could anyone forget?

But the deal with Travis no one could wrap their brain around, he wore this strange, awful hairpiece. It stood on his head in the most unnatural way. It didn't even seem to match his original hairline. His real hair from years earlier didn't look like this fake hair. Why not just show the bald? Or find a hairpiece that looks like it's part of your head?

Oh another thing about Travis. Because the guy was a great trained dancer, as a hobby, he knew where to place his hand on a woman to make it look like he loved the women in a dancey and sensual way. But he was as gay as the sun was bright. He had a fake wife.

Why wouldn't he just let everyone know he was gay? No one would mind or be surprised. They just liked him how he was.

Oh another thing about Travis, he was a part of this strange cult that he would tell people about.

"I'm proud to be in my cult!" he'd say.
"Oh." others would say.
"It helps a lot of people."

But despite all these strange things, no one seemed to have a problem with these people. They were very loved.

One day Travis cornered Dougie in a bathroom stall. He laid a big kiss on Dougie.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." said Dougie.
"What's the problem?" asked Travis.
"Travis, babe. Buddy. I'm not... into you that way. But I love ya, buddy. You're a great guy." said Dougie.
"Okay, sorry, I must've misread something."
"Hey pal, no problem. I gotta say I'm flattered as all hell." said Dougie.
"Thanks. You're looking so young and fresh lately." said Travis.

Dougie's flesh looked especially tugged and tight.

"I gotta say your hair looks gorgeous. I love what you've done with it, babe." said Dougie.

And no one else was there to hear the exchange and determine if they were both being phony or sincerely honest and delusional about their compliments. It remained a mystery till the end of time.

Balp's Disability

Balp had a harmless mental disorder that didn't make him dumb or dysfunctional but it made him annoying. He didn't realize it.

"You're annoying!" said everyone.

"Aw man." said Balp.

Balp walked up to Ginger and Patt.

"Hey I like pickin' my nose!!!" he said.

"Ew!" said Ginger.

"Gross!" said Patt.

Balp walked up to a health expert and lifted up his shirt and wiggled his excess belly fat.

"Hey wanna turn this into muscles!?!? Ha ha ha!" said Balp.

"Please sir. Serious inquiries only!" said the health expert.

Balp walked up to his mom.

"Mom I gotta go to bathroom wanna wipe me?! Ha ha ha!" said Balp.

"Ew Balp you're a grown up! I can't even tell if you're joking or not." said mom.

"Ha ha yeah jokes are good." said Balp.

Balp got a job at a sandwich shop.

"Gimme the pastrami." said Fran.

"For no extra cost I'll spit in it!" said Balp.

"Ew. Nevermind I'm outta here." said Fran.

Balp's boss was pissed.

"Balp! Nobody likes you. You're strange and make people uncomfortable and say things that are real head scratchers." said boss.

"When I scratch my head I have dandruff flying everywhere. Should I offer that to customers as a salt substitute? Ha ha ha."

"No, Balp."

Balp went to the doctor because he was kind of uneasy feeling after the boss said no one liked him. He didn't understand. The doc did some tests and asked some questions and came up with the diagnosis.

"The reason you act strange is because you have a mental disorder. It's not a disability. You're not crazy. It doesn't make you evil or a murderer or a bad guy. There are several mental disorders where people act strange." said the smart educated doc.

"Okay thanks, glad to know, ps want some free dirty underwear? Ha ha."

"No thank you." said the doc, with complete objectivity.

Then Balp went around acting the same way and didn't ever feel bad because he knew he had a mental disorder and that would be his excuse forever, rather than changing his behavior.