Monday, October 20, 2014

A Crackless Life Cycle

Duke Shitstein cracked his head on a sharp corner and his brains leaked out on the ground.
"Oh shhharrrr..." said Duke in a slurry voice.
"Duke! You spilled your brains! It sounds like you're trying to say 'oh shit' but you're slurring!" said Ronnie Garbage, Duke's buddy, "Here lemme help you out."

Ronnie Garbage picked up Duke's slippery slimy brains off the ground. They jiggled, and he had trouble keeping them in his hands.

"Woops!" said Ronnie, as the slippy brains jumped and bounced, from hand to hand, back on the ground.

"Got em!" said Ronnie again, after he picked them back up, and was certain they wouldn't slide out. But then they did!

"Oh no, I was wrong, I dropped them again!" Ronnie bent over to scrape them up with his fingertips once more, they were breaking into little pieces.

"Uh oh, this ain't good." said Ronnie.

Finally Ronnie got all the brains into a little chunk puddle he cradled in his hands. He made Duke bend over carefully so he could dribble them back into Duke's skull crack. Then Ronnie took a mini-pocket keychain flashlight and clicked the light into his buddy, Mr. Shitstein's, skull crack, so he could get a peak inside his head. Ronnie decided to make a little joke to lighten the mood.

"Hey Duke, looks like there wudn't much in there to begin with! Heh heh heh heh heh!" Ronnie was implying that Duke wasn't very smart. It was just a joke though.

"Well now we can get on with our double date tonight." said Ronnie.

Duke and Ronnie went ahead with their plans for the night and picked up their double dates, Darla and Pepper. Darla had tall pink hair and stiff gel flakes in it. They went to a restaurant that only served cereal.

"I'll have the Frosted Flakes, with 2% milk," said Ronnie. He also ordered for his lady, Pepper, because he's a gentleman, "And for the lady, a bowl of Chex, served soggy."
"Wow you're classy." said Pepper.
"Do you have Alpha-Bits?" asked Darla.
"No Ma'am, just Cheerios." said the waiter.
"I'll just have Crispix." said Darla.
"Duke'll have generic Oat Bran." said Ronnie.
"You guys are picking up the bill right?" said Darla, who was very stingy.
"Yeeee." said Duke, who hadn't spoken in a while.
"Wow what a gentleman." said Pepper.
"We are studly." said Ronnie, who was really vibing heavy with Pepper.

Duke sat with his skull crack side facing away from his date and everyone, in both the car ride and restaurant. No one noticed until Darla came out of the Ladies Room and Duke was walking into the Ladies Room, because he was confused. Darla had been throwing up because she was bulimic. Duke went in to let some blood and brain fluid leak out of his brain, in private.

"Wow I had no idea you were leaking brain," said Darla, "I'm bulimic. Those are kind of the similar, right?"

They weren't really similar at all, but the leaky-pukey connection was enough for Darla to feel safe and open with Duke. Darla sought help for her bulimia and gained a whole lot of weight, but kept her hair pink and crusty. Duke had permanent brain damage, but maintained enough brain function to get a high paying job operating a fancy rollercoaster.

Duke and Darla got married, Ronnie Garbage was the best man. It was a secular wedding, but Duke's bubby, Ethel Shitstein, insisted on them doing the part where they step on the glass because she liked that part.

"Mazel Tov" yelled the secular people watching the wedding.

Duke and Darla had an ambitious child who became The President of the United Plates of America, an organization that collected rare TIME/LIFE plates that used to be advertised on informercials in the late 80s through late 90s. Does anyone remember those? Well they were very popular and came with magazine subscriptions. This organization also doubled as a secret society, with talking reptiles and amphibians that looked like cute puppets, but the cute reptile puppets were very old, like 132 years old, and they were racist. So that part was not good, unfortunately.

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