Monday, October 13, 2014

Scumboys Make it Big

Bart Schrim was a big dreamer. He had pimples for sideburns, a sweaty brow, and a few wiry-chest-hair-revealing top buttons open on his dirty shirt.

Muck Bledsoe was big spitter. He had brown teeth, a mouth that seemed to always be open, a fat bottom lip, and an upper lip that naturally exposed his front teeth without him trying. He'd chuckle and you'd see those teeth and just imagine 'em doing and chewin' on dirty things.

These guys were the scum of the earth.
"I'm onna be a star." said Bart.
"I'm hungry!" said Muck.
"Let's go to Taco Barn!" they said.
Taco Barn was a fast food joint where they served shitty food. Lots of people ate there.

They started walking to Taco Barn.
"Hey I smell bad!" said Muck, as he sucked in sniffs from his exposed armpit.
"Lemme see!" said Bart.
Bart put his face in Muck's pit and sniffed up all the air around it, "It kinda reminds me of a pretty lady's dirty crotch. Ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Hey, you're right!" said Muck.
They both walked down the street sniffing at Muck's armpit and bumping into people from not watching where they were going.
"Watch it, pisshead!" they'd say to the scared bumpers.

By the time they got to Taco Barn they both had dirty rotten boners from fantasizing about the armpit smell. Muck wore sweatpants, so his boner was visible. Bart had denim shorts, so his was less visible. Bart saw the line at the counter and lost his dirty boner, because he hated a fucking line. Muck's sweatpants boner stayed for a bit.
"Psst!" said Bart to Muck.
"What!?" said Muck.
"I hate lines, let's rob this place." said Bart.
"I forgot my gun, but I still got my boner!" said Muck.
"Okay use that." said Bart.

Bart shot a bloody snot rocket into his left hand, and raised it in the air. It was bloody because the air had been dry lately. Muck put his hands around his sweatpants boner and pretended it was a gun.

"Aright you hairy piglets, we're robbin' your Taco Barn! I got a bloody booger hand, and my partner here has a gun!" shouted Bart, "W'ain't afraid to use 'em."
"We want all the money, and two tacos!" said Muck, as he pointed his sweatpants boner gun at frightened families and taco eaters.

The employees readied fresh tacos and a wad of cash for the boys, when all the sudden Muck had a bowel movement.
"Hold up! Stop. I just doo'd'eed my goddamn undies so I don't want the money." Shouted Muck.
"Ya hear that folks?" said Bart, "He already got his satisfaction, who here wants to see the result?!"

Muck went around shakin' his filthy bottom to all the appalled patrons and giggling about it.
"How bout you, lady? You wanna see?" Jeered Bart. "And YOU, Mister!" He said to another guy.
No one wanted to.

Muck continued to wiggle gracefully.
"Damnit Muck, you are so fucking talented! I'm talented too. Anyone here want to see my talent?!" Bart shouted to the restaurant, "Here goes. Ladies, pay extra special attention..."

Then Bart grabbed a random taco off a seated customer's plate and held it up for all to see.
"This is a girl's crotch!" said Bart, pointing to the taco. Then he stuck his tongue out, through his closed lips, and wiggled it up and down, knocking out the taco meat. "Ha ha ha ha! Tastes pretty good," laughed Bart.

"Anyone gonna put me an' Bart on TV for our talent?!" asked Muck.

Shirtless Shirley, who never took her shirt off, was pretty shy. She was sitting right there at Taco Barn. She had speckles and freckles, and was a red pepper redhead. Shirley had tits like pancake flaps, which is why she'd hide 'em. She thought she had to have TV tits, like the TV girls. Instead, to her shameful chagrin, she had flappy town tits.

"Ow bout you, sweet pee-pee? You gonna put us on TV?" said Muck.
"I ain't got a station... but I could help." said Shirtless Shirley.
"You gon' join'ar gang?" said Bart, real scummy like.
"Um, I'd like to." said Shirtless Shirley.
"How bout you thrash the irony of why they call you Shirtless Shirley, then?" said Bart.

Shirtless Shirley removed her shirt and exposed her freckly flappy pancake shaped tit flaps, for the first time without shame. She was exhilarated to be part of the filth.
"Those fucking tits look just like pancakes, don't they?" said Muck.
"Hey cashier, how bout some maple syrup for these pancakes over here!? Ha ha ha." shouted Bart.
"We don't serve breakfast after 10am." said the cashier.
Muck threateningly pointed his slightly more flaccid boner gun at the cashier and screamed "How bout now, piss eater?!"
"Okay, okay, whatever you say." said the cashier.

He returned with many plastic packets of breakfast syrup. They poured 'em all over Shirtless Shirley's flap tits, slapping the sticky syrup everywhere, continuing to make the pancake comparison.
"Who's got bacon!" shouted confident Shirley.
"We do!" said Bart and Muck.

Then they heard a siren coming. The three of them left at once. A news crew chased them for a few minutes. They had forgotten to eat, which was the original plan.

They ran into the filthy orange setting sun, and had a disgusting, perverted, piggish, masturbation with coughed-up stomach-bile, causing painful burns of the urethra, jealousy-fueled love triangle. Which resulted in multiple robberies, the death of Muck, the death-row incarceration of Bart, and the rehabilitation of Shirley, where she received stiff-looking, gravity-defying breast implants, and an appearance on a high-quality day-time talk show.

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