Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Oatmeal Phantomess

Melissa the Sorceress loved oatmeal. She lived in a kingdom where she could get access to different kinds of oatmeal. She knew all about all the oatmeals.
"This oatmeal is my fav!" she said.
"This one's not as good, but I still love all oatmeal."
"Somedays it just doesn't matter to me and I will take any oatmeal available."
Those are all things she said.

She would introduce peasants and erudite princes to this thing oatmeal. Erudite princes would act dazzled. Peasants would be pleased to receive. As well, all the trolls, oafs, ogres and troglodytes gobbled up the oatmeal she'd make and curate.

It was a point of pride how much she knew about oatmeal, and loved it. It made her feel unique. She could make it and not have to wave a wand or get some sort of dragon blood or anything. One day she found out that everyone liked oatmeal and it was a thing that was eaten and enjoyed in many ways all over. She was crushed.

"Hey want some oatmeal today?" said an oatmeal server.
"Um... I guess." she'd say.

She thought oatmeal was what made her unique. She was an oatmeal expert. She felt cheated that she'd spent so much time getting all this oatmeal info down only to not be a one-stop answer shop for all things oatmeal.
"Hey I know everything about oatmeal!" said some schmuck.
"Me too, did you know it's also good if you put sweet stuff in it!?" said some dumbass.
She yawned and scowled at these novices who ignored her.

Melissa was pissed. She cursed oatmeal. She cursed all things similar to oatmeal. One day she met a Sorceress named Sandra. She and Sandra loved each other and they went on a first date to get to know one another. They seemed like they'd be a perfect match. They both had form fitting scalp gear and large cloaks.

Sandra started talking about the stuff she liked.
"Have you heard about oatmeal? I think it's so cool." said Sandra.
"Yeah yeah, I know about oatmeal, yeah." said Melissa.
"What? Did I strike a nerve?"
"It's just, I knew about oatmeal for a long time and now everyone is always talking about oatmeal without giving me any credit."
"It's great you know a lot about oatmeal, but I don't think you deserve credit for liking the stuff." said Sandra. This was not what Melissa the Sorceress wanted to hear.

She cursed Sandra with an intense oatmeal appetite, which Sandra didn't mind. Then did a rain dance that made it rain oatmeal.
"Looks like it's gonna oatmeal rain." said and old man who looked at the sky.

The kingdom loved oatmeal and didn't mind that it rained oatmeal. Melissa felt stupid. Neither curse worked. She wanted to upset everyone but instead delighted them. Then she was upset because she didn't get credit for doing the oatmeal rain dance. This time she really did deserve credit, but again felt snubbed.

She plotted her next plan: to cast a spell on the next criminal scheduled for public beheading. It was Glenfield the Fop. Glenfield had been a bad boy and lifted the dress of the daughter of a wealthy family one too many times.

"Weeeheehee, I cannot say I have not heartily indulged in what pleasures thou has offered me, Lord!" declared Glenfield to the gathered public. The family was hungry for blood. Not oatmeal. Too bad though.

Glenfield's live neck was placed in the guillotine slot.
"Sssslomp!" said the dropping guillotine blade. The crowd's eyes awaited the satisfying and savage spillage. Yet, per Melissa's spell, his vacant neck did not spritz blood. It oozed oatmeal.

A collective gasp. A silence. A confusion. Melissa waited in anticipation to experience the public's evening in ruin. She fantasized her future as the Oatmeal Phantomess of the Kingdom. Yet foil would wrap her plan once again.

"It's not blood, it's oatmeal!" shouted the common folk. A clatter of murmur spread.
"Yum!" shouted a gentlemen.
"Gimme!" shouted a craggy old woman. The whole town, poor and rich alike, rushed to the body of Glenfield to slurp his body's oatmeal. It was like a great twist in a well written play. They expected blood, they got oatmeal, which was far more satisfying.

Melissa hung her head in discouragement. She wanted outrage, instead she gave them a great show with a delicious treat at the end.

But... she did not take into account that her oatmeal expertise would pay off. For her spell, she had replaced Glenfield's insides with one of the more delicious styles of oatmeal.

The kingdom mindlessly devoured Glenfield. There was not enough to feed them all. They began to fight and tug at his remains. Then they trampled and ripped each other apart in hopes of finding more oatmeal inside of people. It was kingdom times, so people were not as smart. They did not know back then, for certain, that some people weren't just filled with good warm oatmeal, and they wound up massacring each other.

Melissa the Sorceress looked up to see the mayhem. She had inadvertently achieved revenge.

"I think it's pretty sexy how you pulled that off." said Sandra the Sorceress, who had looked better than ever because she'd been eating lots of oatmeal.
"Oh, thanks. People should listen to me more often, hehe." beamed Melissa with modest jest.
"I think they will, you're the expert lady with great plan execution, as far as I'm concerned."
Melissa became a legend. She never revealed that her masterpiece massacre was an accident.

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