Monday, October 13, 2014

The Boozey Man's Gift

Drunk Man Milton drank every night when he got home. He chugged it all down. One day he got home and he opened his cabinet and saw his booze bottles were empty. He must have been so drunk the previous night that he put the bottles back in the cabinet.

He looked in another cabinet where he kept booze.
"Shit!" he said.
More empty bottles from other nights he was too drunk to throw them away. 

He opened his wallet to see how much cash he had. 
"Shoot!" he had none. He must have spent it all on other booze that he drank other nights.

He went out to the ATM for more cash. 
"Your account is basically empty." said the ATM machine. 
"Shoot." He must have done something with all that money in his accessible at night bank accounts.

He went asking homeless guys for boozes. 
"I could sure use a little drink, pal." said Drunk Man Milton.
"I could sure use some change, buddy." said the homeless guys, in response.
"I don't have any change, I spent it on booze." said Milton.
"Get out of here ya bum." said the homeless guy, "Go get a job! Then gimme change."
"I'm retired! I worked for my money." said Milton.
"I'm homeless, I drank myself out of a job!" said homeless guy.
"Oh yeah, you think you're better than me, I drank myself out of a liver!" said Milton.

Then it dawned on Milton, he wasn't supposed to drink because he'd had liver surgery and he didn't have money because he'd spent all his money on the liver surgery.  And he didn't remember that he'd done all that because he was having a going away party at work that night, due to his liver operation forcing him into retirement, and at the retirement party he drank too much.

"Oh yeah..." he said. "I'm not supposed to drink anything at all!" said Milton.
"Uh oh. I'm almost there too." said the homeless guy.
"Shoot! I must have spent it on that liver operation." he remembered out loud.

Then the homeless guy gave him a swig of booze to be nice and then Milton went home and died. It wasn't super sad for him though because he was so drunk he forgot to have regrets.

His son Carlton looked for money in his will.
"Oh shoot! He must have spent all his money on his booze, then on a liver operation. And invitations to his big retirement party." Carlton, the son, was rather estranged.
"It's not sad that he died, and didn't leave me anything, it's sad that we lost touch. I could have gotten to know the man." 

Then he looked at the dated wallpaper and remembered his youth. That was all Carlton had. He thought it was very poetic. He wrote a song about it and sang it at a coffee shop.

"Hey man that was a real tender song, brother." said a guy with one of those lower lip dot goatees. This was the 90s.

The song had sensitive and poignant lyrics like Dad, I didn't know you well... and Dad, I know you liked to drink. Carlton sang it a lot with the style that was very popular for that time period. It was just a simple song about his dad, but people mistook it for Christian Rock. And Carlton made a little money in the Christian Rock circuit as a result. 

Milton looked down from our warm heaven and smiled. "That's my final gift to you, son." he said, from heaven.

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