Saturday, October 18, 2014

The Know-It-All

Sally Peckerhead wouldn't shut up! She raised her hand in class and was like, "Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, pick me! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, I'm so smart!"

Then she'd get the answer wrong. Then the teacher would say,
"You're wrong Sally."
Then she'd protest, "No, I'm right. My Dad says!!"

Everyone in the class would hate her because she thought she was smarter than everyone, but would still get the answers wrong. The teacher called Mr. and Mrs. Peckerhead to tell them their kid was dumb and pretended to be smart.
"How dare you not encourage our child Sally! What kind of teaching is this?"

Word got around to the class kids that this happened, and the kids continued to think Sally was obnoxious and rotten.

One day Sally hadn't come out of the bathroom for a long time so the teacher sent Judy Bottomhopper to go get her. Judy opened the bathroom door.
"Sally, teacher says you gotta come back to cla-"
Then Judy said "Gasp!"
Because she saw Sally standing straight up, back to Judy, facing the wall, swaying slightly, and spooky-singing:

Little Miss Muffin / ate a muffin. Gimme a muffin / I love muffins...

There was also writing, scrawled in red, on the white bathroom tiles, "I will win! I will win!"
It looked real scary. It wasn't blood, though. It was red kid paint. Which decreased the amount of scariness significantly, but then she turned around and had an evil screaming demon face, which made it scary again.

The teacher called Sally's parents to inform them.
"But don't you see? Sally's been dead for over fifty years," said Sally's father.
The teacher gasped.
"And so have we." he continued.
The teacher gasped again.
Then a hideous laugh came from the telephone receiver,
"Ahhh ha ha ha ha ha ha,"
The teacher was terrified.
"Ha ha ha ha ha- ehem, sorry. Was just watching something funny on this new 'television' thing. You have one yet? Funny guy named Ernie Kovacs, you gotta see him." said the parent.

But Ernie Kovacs had been dead for over fifty years. And televisions have been around for over fifty years.

This explained why Sally would often raise her hand and give the wrong answer. Because she'd be giving a correct answer from over fifty years ago, that had since been proven false. Like about evolution, electricity, or Jews or something.

The teacher also looked up microfiche records to read up on Sally and the Peckerhead family. Apparently her family was very strict and abusive in an emotional way that made her feel like she had to over achieve and make a lot of money in the future. It was like a baby boomer thing. That's why she wrote the thing about "winning" on the wall. By the way, if you, or someone you know is a victim of abuse call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).

Oddly, Sally kept coming to school, because everyone knew she and her family were dead they just allowed her to answer questions and get them wrong. She passed every test. She made it to college even. She is now the head of a major corporation, very driven, but still thinks she's a little girl, in class and it's over fifty years ago.

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