Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The Book of Judith (and Susan)

Blustery Judith was a real bonehead of a lady. She would whimper and whine all the way to the library. She was like
"I want attention what about me??!!?"
"Shh!" everyone would say to her. And they were right.

One day she was on her usual library route, walking and whining, as expected and "Whap!" she hit her head on a sidewalk sign.
"Oooh! That hurt!" she said.
Everyone laughed. Because it was justice for the all the agony she had put everyone through with her whiny, whiny ways.

Then she stepped on a thumb tack that penetrated her shoe sole.
"Oooh a tumb tack touch my toe! It hurt!"
"Ha! Ha! Ha!" said Planet Earth, because she deserved it.

Next a doggie that didn't like her nipped at her pants and ripped a hole in the bottom.
"Youch!" she said.
Next she hopped around on one foot until she got to someone's car so she could sit on it to remove her shoe and the thumb tack. But the car had been toasting in the sun so the hood was hot and it burned her bottom.
"Yikes!!!" she said as she popped up. It was too hot and it burned.

Next, Blustery Judith took her shoe off and taped it on the hole of her pants covering her burned butt. She walked up to a very sweet, kind and hard working child making sidewalk art. He was giving the art his all.
"No one's going to like that art you are making." She told the kid.
"Hey that is mean. You're not just whiny, you're mean too." said the kid.

Then Snoozy Susan walked up and took to Blustery Judith's defense. Snoozy Susan was pretty whiny too as a matter of fact. Yeah. The poor sidewalk kid was upset.

Then God showed up and said to Snoozy Susan and Blustery Judith that he was writing a new chapter of the latest Bible and he was going to write books about them. They were excited.

"Yeah, it's going to be about how you are both pretty terrible. People from churches will use you as example of God's word of how not to be."
"Awww maaaan. Maybe I can make a suggestion or two." said Judith.
"No! It's my book." said God.
"Well I've read a lot of books and I was actually going to the library just now."
"Me too." said Susan.
"Well maybe this book will end with you two getting locked in the broom closet of the library for weeks?" said God, smugly.
"Is that a threat?" asked Judith.
"Maybe." said God.
"Well perhaps you'd like to hear from my lawyer." said Judith.
"Whoa whoa, wait, let's not get litigious, here. I've got a lot riding on these new books and don't need the bad publicity." said a cautious God, as he backed away and ran into the clouds.

"We should humiliate God!" said Judith to Susan.
"Okay I'm in!" said Susan.

Judith and Susan went on a journey into the desert and God was so embarrassed by the rotten stuff they did. But he didn't publish the book about them. They had God under their thumbtacks. These goddamned women beat God!

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