Saturday, September 13, 2014

Baby on Board

Glenn had one of those signs on his car that said "Baby On Board", hanging in the corner of his back windshield of his car. You know those signs? Except he didn't have a baby. No one thought too much of it though. He could have just had it for fun, in the way that people have ironic or cutesy bumper stickers, or collect buttons that say "I like Ike!" But no. That's not why he had it.

The real reason was because he was one of those adult baby people who liked to dress up in a diaper and act like a baby in the privacy of his home. That's a thing, if you don't already know about it you're probably sheltered or ignorant. Glenn wanted his sign to be a secret signal to the world that he was the baby on board. Not some goddamn baby given birth to by a mate or something.

"I need that file by tomorrow, Ted." said Glenn at work in his office.
"Yes sir, right away sir, tomorrow." said Ted.
"Actually I need it even sooner, damnit! Hurry."
"Yes sir." said Ted.
"Thank you. And Carol, make sure my three o'clock tomorrow knows to be on time."
"You got it Glenn." said Carol.
"I'm going to go home now." said Glenn.

"Wahhh! Wahhh!" said Glenn as soon as he got home and changed into his diaper, "Where my ma-mah!?" he asked his empty house. He wattled around his house with his hairy adult belly hanging out over his diaper asking the corners of his house baby questions.
"I want my rattle! Where baby rattle?" he said to the crevice between the fridge and the wall.
"Where my pacifier!" he said to the fireplace.
"Change my di-dee!" he told the closet doorknob in his hallway.

Nothing responded.

He crawled to the telephone, picked up the receiver and started dialing on his landline.
"I want my ma-mah! I sucking my tumb!" he said to the other end of the telephone, while sucking his thumb.

"Chay my di-dee!" he said to the hooker, from the special service, he had just called.
"Okaay. But if you don't stop poopying your die-die you're going to get a spanking." she said in a motherly tone, devoid of judgement.
"Nooo me no want spankyy!"

The hooker checked his diaper, and saw there was a little adult baby poopy in there.
"Gasp! Baby Glenn! You're a bad baby. Now you're gonna get a spanking!"

The hooker began to spank Glenn and Glenn cried like a man pretending to be a baby. Big Lyle, the parcel delivery man, caught a glimpse of this display through the window, as he delivered a parcel to the porch.

"I pride myself in thinking I'm an open minded feller," said Big Lyle to himself, the world, and you, "yet I just can't help but think to myself that that guy is a real weirdo." Big Lyle stepped off the porch, disappointed with himself.

Glenn never grew up.

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