Sunday, September 28, 2014

John Dump Takes a Race

John Dump was a fatso schlubbo dumpo lazy schmo, he didn't do nothin' but sit on his fat ass and watch cable TV. He loved watching his reruns channel and his cooking show channel.
"Hey John Dump you big fat loser, why don't you do something?!" said a guy who saw him.
"Hey you shut up!" said John Dump.
"It's true!" said the guy.

John Dump was mad that that guy said that. John went back to his place and sulked about it. What did he have to prove to that a-hole? He went around for a few days thinking of ways to change his ways. He didn't know of any and couldn't think of any.

One day Leo at the shop said "Hey John Dump, ya hear the big race is coming to town?"
"Huh what's a race?" said John Dump.
"Yah know when they run and try to win," said Leo, "you gonna run it?"
"Hmmm...." said John Dump. "Yes!"

John Dump figured he'd show that guy who was boss and run that race. The day of the race came and John Dump had entered but hadn't done any training or work to ready himself. He was still a schlubbo dumpo.

"Bang!" said the race gun.

All the racers took off running. John Dump did too. He was exhausted a couple of minutes into it. The racers ran fast, John Dump ran slow. He was a sweaty troubled mess.

When the racers were half way through, John Dump was taking a sit break. He pulled a cheese sandwich in a plastic bag from his pocket and ate it. Someone splashed some refreshing water on him. This gave him energy to give it a go again.

"Yay we are winning!" said the other racers.
"I just want to finish!" said John Dump. That was his big goal. If he could do that he could prove to the world in his mind that he wasn't the biggest piece of human krap alive.

Racers passed the finish line one by one. John Dump had to take breaks. He took another cheese sandwich break. This time there was jelly in the sandwich instead of cheese. It was smart of him to put the sandwiches in his pocket for the race, but his sweaty thighs really flattened the sandwiches out. He ate them anyway.

All the racers except him had finished the race. He kept moving slowly.
"Wait for me!" he shouted from a far.

The race coordinators packed up the race equipment. They didn't know he was still trying to finish. He still kept at it. Spectators went home, racers celebrated, John Dump continued his race.

He finally made it to the end and cheered for himself!
"I won!" he shouted, once he made it to the end.
"Actually you came in last place. You lost the most of any of them." said the obsessive compulsive spectator who remained until the final racer completed the race.
"No you're wrong, guy. I was racing with a different set of goals than the other racers." said John Dump.
"Oh," said the spectator, "well then congratulations."
"Thanks." said John Dump.

John Dump went and celebrated his victory by eating a large chain pizza, a soda, a bag of flamin' hot flavored crunchers, and piece of cake. He watched a good rerun show too.

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